Paulo’s Kitchen: Mamma Meatball!

Previously on Paulo’s Kitchen, Paulo finally got the upper hand on Cameraman Sam when he turned him into a Peanut Butter Samwich. Tonight, the battle rages on in front of a live studio audience as Chef Paulo makes meatballs. Will Sam seek revenge? Will Paulo stop eating cupcakes during commercial breaks?

Chef Paulo: Hey! No one was supposed to know about that. Where is this Vinnie Voiceover guy? I need to talk to him.

Find out all this and more on today’s belt busting edition of Paulo’s Kitchen!

And now, here is your Host-ess Cupcake, Chef Paulo!

Ciao! Bonjour! And hello! I am Chef Paulo, welcome to my kitchen!

It’s nice to see such a big audience here today, full of Paulomaniacs! Wait, is that a watermelon I see out there?

Cameraman Sam: I believe that is a chubby baby in a green onesie.

Ohhh…that’s what I meant…

Anyway, welcome back to the show after a long lay down.

Cameraman Sam: You mean, “layoff”?

Lay down…layoff, what’s the difference? Paulo sees no difference! Either way, I’m at home on the couch, so might as well call it a lay down.

Cameraman Sam: You’re right. Besides, it’s clear you didn’t lay off the cupcakes.

Mah, what’s the matter with you! Why you look at Paulo’s tummy? You may have a 6-pack Samerino, but I have a snack pack, so take that.

But let’s not fight. That’s why we were on a long lay down in the first place. The bosses didn’t like us arguing during the show.

I had to tell them not to worry. We are friends – we just throw many fits. We are friends with many fits.

Cameraman Sam: Eww Paulo, stop. There are no benefits going on here. I don’t even think you can say that on TV.

What you hear? I say many fits! Not benefits! Do you still have peanut butter in your ears? Do you need me to get a cracker and scrape the rest out? I’ll do it! A nice pack of Ritz Bits should do the trick or treat.

No? You’re good. Sam is good, everybody.

Anyway, this isn’t story time at the A-Paulo…


As I was saying, we are back and better than ever! I’ve got a talent for making things taste better.

So let’s get this froggy in the pond and start hopping!

Today, we are making a Chef Paulo classic. We are making meatballs!

Cameraman Sam: Meatballs? Your return episode and you’re making meatballs? Will there be any pasta on the side? Maybe some Ravioli a la Paulo? Maybe a simple spaghetti? No, that’s right, you won’t make spaghetti on TV because you don’t twirl it on your fork and don’t want the viewers to judge. I remember now.

Mamma Meatball, Sambrella! Why are you raining on my parade?

Cameraman Sam: Mamma Meatball, there he goes again. My my, how can I resist you?

I don’t know what you just said, but we are strictly friends with many fits!

Anyway, to make this dish, you will need:

– Meatballs w/sauce
– Pot
– Spoon

Step 1: We go to my handy dandy refrigerator and take out the container that has meatballs and sauce.

Step 2: Pour some meatballs and sauce into a pot.

Cameraman Sam: Wait a minute, Paulo. You’re heating up pre-made meatballs and sauce? What kind of cooking show is this?

It’s the cooking show with budget cuts, but somehow has enough money to employ stupid Samurai to operate the camera. That’s what kind of cooking show it is!

I mean…uhh let’s go to commercial.

Commercial #1
Are you having trouble sleeping? Does your spouse steal all the bed sheets? Say no more! We have you covered! Introducing the “Oh Sheet”. It’s the bed sheet that stretches. All it takes is a passive aggressive tug in the middle of the night and all of a sudden – you’re covered! Never again will your twinkle toes feel a cool breeze. The Oh Sheet – saving lives, helping wives. Get yours today!

*Back in the studio*

*Paulo is wiping his eyes with his apron*

Cameraman Sam: Paulo, are you tearing up because the commercial mentioned a spouse and you don’t have one? Or is it because you thought they said Twinkie Toes and got emotional because we cleared out your Twinkie stash from your dressing room?

Up shut it, Samilton! Wait, what did you say about Twinkies?

Doesn’t matter.

Step 3: Your meatballs should be in your pot by now. Make sure there’s enough sauce in there, you don’t want to have too little and watch it burn like a disco inferno.

It should look like this:


What are you talking about?


It is not Elmo! You’re just Sam the Grouch!

Cameraman Sam: We can’t show this to children. Elmo can’t die, Paulo. Tickle Me Elmo has to live forever.

Well then they can call it, Tickle Me Meatballs!

Cameraman Sam: You can’t say that on TV! This is a PG show, Paulo! And don’t you dare say we’re friends with many fits again. Just cook Elmo already and get this over with.

We are friends with no fits! No fits for you! No Ritz Bits for your ears! Nothing!

I cook the meatballs now. Oh, the director wants to go to another break. Okay guys, but the meatballs aren’t going to cook themselves. That’s why I’m h—

Commercial #2
Do you like running….from your problems? Do you sometimes feel like a hamster….on a wheel? Do you like to nibble….on chips? Squeak no more! Introducing, HamsterDamn. It’s the first ever life size hamster cage…..for people! Run on the wheel all day and nibble on a bed of potato chips on the floor all night. But wait…..there’s more! Call now and you’ll receive the HamsterTandamn – fully equipped with two wheels and double the potato chips – at half price! HamsterDamn – why go anywhere else?

*Back in studio*

Man, I need to get me one of those HamsterTandamns. I get the pun. Tandamn…like tan dam…like a beaver that’s got too much sun.

Cameraman Sam: I think it’s more like, “Tandem”. You know – two? Like for couples? What’s your wife’s name again, Paulo?

I said shut your rabbit hole, Samsterdam!

Now then. Can we move on?

Step 4: Turn the stove on to around number 7, or so. You can decide. Put the lid on the pot, it keeps the heat in.

Step 5: After a few minutes, take your spoon and stir the meatballs with the sauce. You want to show them that you’re there and you care for them, just before you close the lid and suffocate them some more.

Cameraman Sam: Why do you have to make this fun, family-friendly show so morbid?

Why don’t you ask the makers of Toy Story 3 that question!

There’s a saying here in Paulo’s kitchen. It’s “Oven Lovin’.” Well, the stove is the opposite of that. Give Paulo a moment to think of a rhyming word.

I got it. Stove Cove Steve Austin! It’s bad, it’s mean, it’s gonna make you scream.

Cameraman Sam: Explain yourself.

Well, Stove comes from the stove.

Cove comes from Cabot Cove, which is the fictional town in Murder, She Wrote where all the murders seemingly take place around Jessica Fletcher. So it’s dangerous, you know? She should really move away from there.

And then Steve Austin is the wrestler who raises hell, which is a hot place, just like the stove.

Therefore, Stove Cove Steve Austin is the opposite of Oven Lovin’ because the stove is hot if you touch it, but the oven has a nice door protecting us from the heat. What a sweetheart ovens are.

Cameraman Sam: I…uhh…hmm…

What? What is it? Don’t eat around the bush. Say it!

Cameraman Sam: You can’t say that! It’s beat around the bush!

Yeah yeah, PG show, many fits, whatever. In my kitchen we say, eat around the bush. The “b” is silent because I don’t like bees – they’re too noisy and get in my food.

Cameraman Sam: So you’re silencing a letter of the alphabet because you don’t like bees?


Anyway, ‘ack to the stove. Okay, Paulo will bring back the letter B now.

Come back letter B. Letter B! Come back! Ahhh it’s back.

Cameraman Sam (turning to the audience): I think he’s going to need another really long lay down after this one.

Oh, you hear that!? My meatballs are sizzling on the stove. That means they’re hot!

Step 6: Most chefs like to fake it till they bake it and won’t check that it’s heated up properly, but not Paulo. I like to put a meatball on a spoon and put my tongue to it to see how hot it really is.

I call this, the Tongue Twister.

Cameraman Sam (talking to himself): Make the pain stop. Make the pain stop. Make the pain stop.

*Paulo checks the temperature of the meatballs with his tongue*

They’re ready!

Step 7: Put them on a plate and serve!

Who wants to try them? Where’s that little baby from earlier? He’s a growing watermelon, he needs his meatballs!

Cameraman Sam: No one wants your meatballs, Paulo! You just licked one of them and now it’s going to be like Russian roulette trying to avoid it.

I swear, Samortadella, I will get a slingshot and launch these meatballs at you so fast you won’t know what hit you!

Cameraman Sam: You’re right. Is it a meatball or is it Elmo? Can’t be sure these days.

That’s it! Imma get you!

And with that, Paulo chased Sam around the studio with a spoon in one hand and a cupcake in the other. There is still another 47 minutes left in the show but there are no more commercials – no one else wanted to be associated with Paulo’s Kitchen. So now we shall watch as two friends with many fits cause a scene in front of an audience of people and an adorable little watermelon. One has to wonder, will the network let this show continue?

Oh, up shut it Mr. Vinnie Voiceover! Paulo’s Kitchen…will…hold on, I’m out of breath…Paulo’s Kitchen will…never…die.

*Credits Roll*

*Screen fades to black*

Next time on Paulo’s Kitchen: It’s the most dramatic Rosee Ceremony ever.

Why are you still talking, Vinnie? The screen is black. And we don’t have rosee sauce.

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14 Responses to Paulo’s Kitchen: Mamma Meatball!

  1. Little Rants says:

    “Paulomaniacs” has me in fits! More comments on the way as I read further….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Little Rants says:

    “Oh sheet” sounds like one hell of an investment. 😹😹

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Little Rants says:

    “He is a growing watermelon, he needs his meatballs!” OH MY GOD. *SNORT* I don’t think I’ve ever run to the loo to read a post and laugh like crazy while hiding from people. Dead. Your brains, Paul, wow.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Squid says:

    “Mamma Meatball, there he goes again. My my, how can I resist you?” #bestlineever

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ely says:

    LMFAO THE WATERMELON BABY- I want it!!! Gimme gimme gimme lol!!!! I can’t with this post. I can NOT!!! The commercials never seize to amazing me, lmfao and the not-so-PG puns had me dying laughing at 6:30 in the morning ok my neighbors are asking themselves why they can hear me- again.
    My FAVORITE part is how I know NOTHING about being an Italian (even though I have some in my genes hahah) but I manage to read this entire thing word for word, in a super legit Italian accent and it makes it THAT much more real. Man, I felt like I was there in the audience ready to play Russian roulette to taste hopefully, the NOT licked meatball 😂😂😂😂😂😂 what a COME BACK!!! I am such a fan!!! ::::chanting::::::

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      LOL I like the idea of you laughing so loud that your neighbours would be checking their windows to make sure they’re closed lol. The watermelon baby might be the best thing I’ve ever come up with for this blog haha. And yes! I’m so glad you read it with the Italian accent! That’s how I wrote it! Even when I edited it, I didn’t read it in plain english….I kinda feel bad for the people who did. They’re probably hella (HELLA) confused. Russian roulette with meatballs is a new party game I feel…

      Thanks Ely! Happy Friday!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        🤦🏻‍♀️@ “never ceasing to Amazing me” I hope you read that with an Italian accent. Why can’t comments be edited?! So annoying lol 😂 happy Friday!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Dutch Lion says:

    Love you man. If I didn’t know any better, it looks like you have a bit of a creative side. Funny stuff. I love the commercials most of all. Thanks for the comedy.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. hdcannon says:

    Oh. my. goodness. The commercials are my favorite part of this amidst the wild action. Oh sheet was pretty funny but once I got to HamsterTandamn… that was the end hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Paulo’s Kitchen: Yolk’s On You | The Captain's Speech

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