Paulo’s Kitchen: Yolk’s On You

Previously on Paulo’s Kitchen, Chef Paulo heated up meatballs in a pot and spotted a watermelon sitting in the audience, which turned out to be a chubby baby in a green onesie. Tonight, the chaos continues as Chef Paulo and Cameraman Sam reach their breaking point with one another.

And now, here is the milk to your cookies…Chef Paulo!

Ciao! Bonjour! And hello! I am Chef Paulo, welcome to my kitchen!

We are back after a long hate us. Something to do with traumatizing a watermelon. I don’t know what the network executives were talking about.

Cameraman Sam: It was a baby in a onesie! And it’s not “hate us”, it’s “hiatus”!

Yeah, they hate us so they put us on hate us! Makes complete sense to me. And what is this onesie you speak of? Is that like a bathing suit? Chef Paulo uses a threesie, or as I like to call it, a three piece.

Cameraman Sam: You wear a three piece bathing suit, Paulo?

I do! They call me a three piece chicken because not only am I whole meal deal, but I’m scared of getting wet so I wear a t-shirt, a pair of shorts, and another pair of shorts. Layers, baby, layers!

Cameraman Sam: I’m gonna throw up.

That must mean it’s meal time! Let me tell this wonderful audience what I am making today!

It is a Chef Paulo Classic (CPC) and is a dish for everyone!

Today, I will be making an omelette!

*the crowd goes mild*

If you want to stay home, it’s a home-lette!

If you want to eat it really fast, it’s an omnomnom-lette!

If you want to do yoga, it’s an om-elette!

If you want to feed it to your garden gnome, it’s a gnome-lette!

If you want to read Shakespeare, it’s a Hamlet!

See, a dish for ev….

Cameraman Sam: And if you want to wear it as a toupee, it’s a dome-lette!

Hey, up shut it, Sam! Omelettes are no joke! And they’re not meant for your head!

Cameraman Sam: You mean, no yolk!

No, why would I mean that? We need the yolk!

Cameraman Sam: If you say so…

Here is a list of things you’ll need to make the perfect omelette:

Egg
Green Onions
Salt
Oil
Pan
Spatula
Fork
Mug

And away we cook!

Step 1: Take out a pan and pour some oil in the middle of it, no bigger than the size of two quarters. You don’t want to be swimming oil, water wings don’t work. Trust Chef Paulo on this one.

Step 2: Next, we’re going to throw some pre-chopped green onions into the pan. This is the magic of TV, it’s already prepared for us.

Cameraman Sam: BECAUSE THE NETWORK EXECS DON’T TRUST YOU WITH A KNIFE.

HEY! Don’t go giving away insider secrets!

Step 3: Place your pan on the stove and turn it up to around a Number 7. If Number 7 is unlucky for you, you can put it to a 6.5. Cooking is all about adjusting the recipe on the fly!

It’s like Nonna says, “If you don’t like making it, you’ll never make it again, and then you’ll starve and die alone!”

Cameraman Sam: A true Maya Angelou, that Nonna.

I don’t know what May-and a-June have to do with this, Samuary, but I’m getting the signal to go to commercial, so let’s do that. We have some new sponsors!

Commercial #1: Do you feel tired during the day? Ever wish you could just take a nap, but have nowhere soft to lay? Well, worry no more! Introducing the Air Shirt! By day, it’s a regular shirt, but my mid-afternoon when you’re feeling the post-lunch blues, all you have to do is pull on the collar and it inflates, providing you with an air mattress outfit, perfect for laying down on hard surfaces like your desk! With an Air Shirt, you never have to worry about uncomfortable naps. Your state-of-the-art Air Shirt will provide a soft cushion, so you can get cozy next to your keyboard and not feel weird about it! Air Shirt – changing the way you nap in public. Air not included.

Holy macaroni and cheese, I WANT ONE….HUNDRED of them for our live studio audience, I mean…

Chef Paulo already has one because he’s tight with the sponsors, so don’t worry about me!

*Chef Paulo doesn’t have one. He’s not tight with the sponsors*

Cameraman Sam: He’s also tight with the shirt!

Hey! This isn’t Fritter. No bully talk!

Cameraman Sam: Twitter?

Twit who? Never mind! Back to cooking.

Step 4: While your pan is heating up, crack an egg into a mug and whisk it with your fork until it becomes liquid.

Step 5: Add a little sprinkle of salt into the mug. Not too much, or it’ll become a mean mug!

Let’s check on the pan. When you hear it sizzle and frizzle, that’s when you know it’s ready.  I call it a Screaming Pan in Pain. SPP, for short.

Cameraman Sam: Why would anyone ever need to use that abbreviation?

Would you rather me teach them the SSA?

Cameraman Sam: What’s that?

The Screaming Sam in Amsterdam! Now stop distracting me or we send you away.

Step 6: Pour the egg onto the middle of the pan, so it absorbs the green onions.

Step 7: Now we wait, with our spatula in hand.

Anyone want to sing a song with Paulo, while we wait to flip the omelette? Okay!

And a one, and a four, and a…if you’re sappy and you know it, pour the syrup! If you’re sappy and you know it, pour the syrup! If you’re sappy and you know it but don’t want anyone else to know you’re burying your head in pancakes, if you’re sappy and you know it, pour the syrup! Yay!

Let’s go to a commercial, now.

Commercial #2: Do you like sidewalk chalk? Do you wish you could draw masterpieces on your driveway, but can’t because you suck at drawing? Well, have no fear…Chalk About is here! Chalk About Chucky is the first ever virtual assistant sidewalk chalk. Just lay it on the ground, tell it what you want to draw, and it’ll draw it for you! “Hey Chucky, draw a rainbow.” “Hey Chucky, draw the Eiffel Tower.” “Hey Chucky, draw a car at a McDonald’s drive thru window, with pigeons lingering nearby.” No command is too difficult for Chalk About Chucky. Impress your friends, annoy your neighbours, and get a masterpiece on your driveway today!

I need to get me a Chalk About Chucky! I don’t have a driveway, but it would just be nice to have someone to talk to…uhhh wait, are we already back from commercial?

Uhhh, let’s edit that part out. Back to the recipe!

Step 8: When you think your egg is ready, slide the spatula underneath it and flip it over. Do this gently. If you rush it, your omelette will be mangled and tangled and won’t look good on Aitch Dee’s TV.

Cameraman Sam: Hey Paulo, some day we should invite Mr. Aitch Dee in as a guest and ask him how he makes the images on TV so clear, almost as if they’re in high definition.

This might be your first good idea, Samuel! I’d love to meet the guy behind my Aitch Dee TV!

Oh no! Paulo’s flip is a flop. Ahh turn away, everyone. Samurai, you distracted me!

Sorry folks, the omelette looks like me after I change out of my three piece bathing suit.

Cameraman Sam: PAULO, WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW THAT.

Step 9: Let it cook on the other side. It won’t take long. By this point, the omelette is itching to come out of the pan, but can’t. It’s like a kid with chicken pox.

Cameraman Sam: Let me guess, the kid’s name is Omar Let.

Actually, it is! I call him Omar Let The Dogs Out and his parents are like, “Who who who…do you think you are?” It’s fun. Should be a song.

Step 10: Remove the omelette from the pan. And voila! Ready to serve!

And there it is, looking less like Chef Paulo and more like the shape of Italy! A perfect omelette.

Cameraman Sam: Why do you continue to make such generic recipes?

What do you mean? Who’s Jen and Eric? This is a Chef Paulo Classic! Have some respect.

Cameraman Sam: You’re right, Paulo. I’m sorry. Hey, what’s on your head?

What? Nothing’s on my head! What? Where is it? Is it a bug? Is it an onion? Get it off! Do I need my spatula? Tell me, Sam!

Cameraman Sam: Just stand still, I’ll come take it off. Don’t move.

*Sam, with his hands in his sweater pocket, approaches Chef Paulo. Sam goes to remove something from Paulo’s head, but it’s a trap! Sam has an egg in his hand!*

DID YOU JUST BREAK AN EGG ON MY HEAD, ON AITCH DEE TV, SAM!?

Cameraman Sam: YOLK’S ON YOU!

Great, now I have egg on my face.

Cameraman Sam: To be fair, you always do.

I don’t know what that means but Screaming Sam in Amsterdam is happening! Ah, how could you! My fans are watching this.

Ah, right. It’s time to go. I can’t believe I have to sign off with yolk on my head.

Thank you for joining me today for another edition of Paulo’s Kitchen. I’m Paulo, I’m in the kitchen, and I look like this because of Cameraman Egg Fool Young, over there.

Ciao for now, and ciao for later!

Paulo’s Kitchen is filmed in front of a live studio audience. The people are REAL. The food is REAL. The beef between Chef Paulo and Cameraman Sam is REAL. Portions of the episode not affecting the bickering between Paulo and Sam, may have been edited out for time constraints. 

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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16 Responses to Paulo’s Kitchen: Yolk’s On You

  1. Omg Paul, this was perfection! Giggled all through breakfast while reading it! And the students were looking at me a little weird haha but that’s nothing new….

    I’m so glad Chef Paulo is back! More Chef Paulo!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thank you! This post would go well with breakfast lol. Next time read it to the kids and you’ll get even weirder looks directed your way!

      Liked by 1 person

      • HAHA the students come out at random times, I wake up the guy at 7:30 and he doesn’t come up for breakfast until 9, the one girl is out at 7:45 on the dot every single day to have a sit down breakfast, today another girl stood and ate her pancake without using her hands – legit just stuck it in her mouth and chewed, pulling it into her mouth little by little. I didn’t even see the last girl. I don’t think they’d come and sit for “story time with Tryna” before high school HAHA I wish though!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Hmm maybe if they knew it was a Chef Paulo story they would! Haha I’m giving myself too much credit now

        Liked by 1 person

      • No! Just enough credit! But they are teenagers haha they might not appreciate Chef Paulo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha! Aw Paul you always manage to make me laugh (so early in the morning and almost always with coffee in my mouth). The omelet looks good, despite it’s no flip flip. I have a question (not being a Canadian) does everyone in Canada speak French as well as English? Just curious.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Happy to provide the laughs! It was a good omelette, but Paulo could’ve let it cook a little longer before flipping. Oh well! So, they teach us French up until Grade 9 and then if you want to keep taking it, it’s an elective. So everyone should have basic knowledge of the language, but no one really uses it. That being said, only people who live in Quebec speak French regularly. Every other province and territory doesn’t.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Little Rants says:

    I can’t help laughing like mad : the OM-Lette and the omnomlette had me dying. Also, how’s poor Samwich doing?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I was actually dying reading this..where do you come up with this stuff!? This is something for food network for sure!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Definitely food network material right here! I honestly don’t know how I come up with this stuff. I just start writing and surprise myself with what comes out haha I wish I could say I planned all this out ahead of time but nope

      Like

  5. Ely says:

    Oh my god! LMFAOOOOOOO this post just made my day my week and my month!!! So so so freaking clever!!!!! Have I mentioned to you that I always read this to myself with a full
    On Italian accent from start to finish in my head?! It’s just SO legit! And that Sam! 😂 I love me some Sam! Lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thank you Ely!! Haha I write these posts by transforming my brain into an Italian accent so I’m thrilled that you read it that way! Sam is great eh? Him and Paulo should go on tour…hmmmm

      Liked by 1 person

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