21 Tips For First-Year Students

Initially, I had Americanized the title to read, “21 Tips for College Freshmen” but deep down in my maple syrup filled heart, I couldn’t let myself go through with it. So you all get, “First-Year Students”. Learn to love it.

I feel like everyone gives the same advice to students before they enter a post-secondary institution. Join a club, meet new people, don’t procrastinate, get enough sleep, sit in the front row, ask questions if you don’t understand, don’t eat chicken fingers and fries for every meal.

Honestly, all of that advice can be daunting, especially if you’re an introvert being thrown into the deep end of a new environment, who just so happens to enjoy chicken fingers and fries.

This is where I come in. Here are some real non-traditional tips to anyone beginning college/university this year. Heck, even returning students might find these useful.

I put “real” in bold and italics so you know that I mean serious business.

1. Don’t be the reason why the fire alarm goes off at 2AM and your entire residence building has to evacuate to the parking lot in the middle of a nippy November night, only to be allowed back in the building and find puke in the stairwell. Be smarter than that.

2. Go to class. I know, this one is cliché. You caught me. But I’d like to think you’d rather not spend thousands of dollars, just so you can sleep in and rely on scribbled notes from a friend, who doesn’t know which version of “there” to use. Hotels are cheaper, you can pay them if you want to sleep.

3. Become friends with the cafeteria staff. You’re going to see them multiple times a day. Thank them. Talk to them. Let your conversations be an escape from the assignments and essays waiting for you in your room.

4. Don’t wear a lanyard with your student card around your neck. I know, it’s handy and you feel cool being able to swipe into buildings. But everyone else is laughing at you. If you don’t take this advice, you’ll eventually come to this conclusion yourself after three weeks. I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

5. If you’re living in residence, bring a doorstop. This is especially important if you’re a bit shy and aren’t the type to “go to the crowd”. I get it. Let the crowd come to you, especially in the first week. Keep your door open, people will say “hi”, or see something on your wall, or notice your gaming system and invite themselves in and BAM YOU JUST BECAME BEST FRIENDS.

6. The Freshman Fifteen is just a fancy alliteration. I lost 22 pounds, so be like me, I guess. Take the stairs, walk across campus a million times a day, and go for two dinners on pasta night.

7. Don’t take the stairs in your first two weeks in residence. Take the elevator. You’ll slowly meet people from other floors, as well as people from your own. That small exchange of, “Oh, you also live on this floor?” when you both get off, could lead to a friendship…or you’ll never hear from them again.

8. Naps are your friend. It doesn’t matter when you sleep, as long as you do sleep. If you know an all-nighter is in your immediate future, find some time after lunch or dinner to take a snooze.

9. Time your trips to the cafeteria so you arrive before classes let out. At my school, the lunch items were put out at 11:30AM. Classes let out at 11:50AM. If I wasn’t in a class, that’s my 20-minute window to get my lunch and grab a table/take it back to my room. You do not want to arrive when everyone else does. Hungry people are your enemy.

10. Explore every inch of campus. It’s yours to discover. Find the places you like and go there often. At my school, people always complained that there were no microwaves. Well, if they had made their way over to the International Building, like I had, they would’ve realized there were six microwaves in there. SIX. It was like Hollywood Squares, minus a row.

11. You didn’t get stupid overnight. When your first essay mark comes back and it’s about 25% lower than what you got in high school, don’t panic. It’s the wake up call you need. See #12 for more.

12. Take an outline of your essay to your Professor/TA during office hours. I’m not saying you have to start writing your essay a week or two in advance. God knows I didn’t. Just bring a sheet of paper, with a few bullet points that outline your main arguments, to your Professor/TA and let them green light it. Then you can go play video games, knowing you’re on the right path.

13. Trust yourself. You’re going to be in a lot of group projects, which means you’re going to work with people who will make you wonder how they even got accepted into university. If you know you’re a good writer and editor, can put a finished product together, and make it look nice, DO IT. Take that responsibility. Don’t trust “Johnny What’s a Comma?” to do it.

14. Make memories. Yeah, you’re there for school, but not really. Your diploma is the smallest thing you’ll take home with you on graduation day. The biggest thing is the years of memories and stories you’ll be able to laugh about forever.

15. Don’t be homesick. Suck it up; bring a photograph. There’s plenty of time to live back at home. You’ve already done it your whole life. Stay the weekend in residence. Build those friendships with your floor-mates. Your family isn’t going anywhere. Your school family, however, will disperse at the end of the year.

16. Avoid the passive-aggressive post-it notes in the bathroom, telling your roommate it’s their turn to clean. They’re just going to show their friends your notes, turn people against you, and vote you off the island. Just talk to them! Better yet, clean it yourself if it bothers you that much!

17. Embrace the challenge. Got a wall calendar next to your desk, telling you that you have two midterms, four assignments – one of them with a group, a seminar presentation, and a few other minor things to do in a week? Embrace it! No matter what, it’ll all be over by Friday night. Plan a pizza and video game night with your roommate as something you can look forward to.

18. You’re an adult, Harry. (I’m a what?). Act like one. As much as everyone wanted to call you an adult while you were in high school, you weren’t. That’ll become crystal clear when you go back to “visit” and pick up your yearbook. Don’t bring your childish antics, like congregating in the middle of the hallway, to university.

19. The only acceptable TV options in the cafeteria at 11AM are: The Price is Right, and sports highlights. Unless there is impending doom, don’t you dare get up and change the channel to the news without asking permission. Can you tell this one happened to me? I’m still livid about it. LIVID.

20. If you’re writing a final exam in the gym, at an individual desk, check the desk to see if it wobbles, before sitting down. If it does, choose another desk. Also, check the chair and be prepared to discreetly switch it out for one that doesn’t wobble. Then, don’t make eye contact with the person who sits down in your former wobbly chair. You don’t want them to know what you’ve done.

21. It’s never too late for McDonald’s. Eating a Big Mac meal at 2AM is like Winnie The Pooh hugging his pot of honey. It just feels good.

And those are my tips! Results may vary, but probably not. If you follow everything I said, your success is guaranteed.

Do you have any non-traditional tips to add to my list? Let me know in the comments below.

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Football Fever in August

Three years ago, I was sitting in a hotel room in Cleveland wondering why ESPN was only talking about the NFL. It was August. The season hadn’t started yet. Where are my baseball highlights?

I didn’t understand. When a new season begins, for any sport, there’s excitement. Trust me, I know. But this love for football that was coming through my TV screen was on another level.

Is this how Canadians come across when hockey season is about to begin? Perhaps the football fever I saw was just me looking in a mirror, failing to accept that what I was seeing was the same song, just a different chorus.

Three years later, I get it. I understand the football fever in August. Why? Because I currently have it.

Last year, I played fantasy football for the first time. Up until the moment I created the league, I was doubting my interest in it. I had lost touch with the NFL. I didn’t know most of the players. I didn’t know how to draft a team.

I’d say I was a fish out of water, but even a fish out of water is aware of its surroundings.

I remember doing my first mock draft and not recognizing any of the names after the second round. Two weeks later, I knew all of them, their position, which team they played for, and whether they liked their water cold, or at room temperature.

I have a good sports memory. Don’t ask me to remember names of characters in TV shows. Don’t ask me about plots in books. Don’t ask me what I ate for lunch yesterday. Can’t tell you.

Ask me about pretty much any athlete and I can tell you their sport, team, position, and maybe their number, as well as my own personal assessment of how good they are.

That stuff comes easy to me.

Being in a fantasy football league drew me back in to the NFL. All of a sudden, I had a new favourite team, I had players to watch every Thursday, Sunday, and Monday, and I had a reason to watch games in their entirety.

Sunday afternoons on the couch were stressful, exciting, and fun. I was a full-fledged football fan again.

Ever since I lost in the finals of fantasy football last year, I’ve been waiting for this season to start. And now, it’s less than four weeks away.

I reactivated my fantasy league on August 1st because if people can start listening to Christmas music as soon as Halloween ends, then I can start thinking about fantasy football as soon as July ends.

It’s a rule, look it up.

This is the part where I tell you that I’ve already done too much research on NFL players and who to pick in my fantasy draft, which isn’t until September.

This is also the part where I tell you that I’ve blown through about a dozen draft strategies in my head already, convincing myself that each one is correct, only to think of a different one the next day.

The obsession is real right now.

If I didn’t have maple syrup still flowing out of my finger tip, you could probably convince me that I had turned into an American citizen, who has an unhealthy addiction to football, chairs with cup holders, and condiments.

Some of the people in my fantasy league will read this blog post and probably comment, “I haven’t even thought about our draft yet.”

That’s fine, I’m just a weirdo who is elbow deep in football information, struggling to find a way back to a life that doesn’t involve figuring out how I’m going to build a winning team with the 10th pick.

I loved the NFL when I was growing up and knew most of the players, thanks to video games.

But when you move away for school and spend your Sundays on intramural fields and/or your bed napping, you tend to skip out on watching the Buffalo Bills play at 1PM.

It’s 2019, someone needs to tell whoever is in charge that people living in Southern Ontario don’t care about the Buffalo Bills. Give us anyone else at the 1PM game on CBS.

Should I mention my school was ten minutes away from Buffalo, or no?

We would get the Buffalo nightly news – so many Bingo Hall cancellations at the bottom of the screen whenever there was a snowstorm. I think I’ve only ever seen (the outside) of one Bingo Hall in Canada. Buffalo seems to have about 467 of them.

I’m getting off track.

Football has taken over my life. Three years ago, I never would’ve imagined this to be true about me, but then again, this seems to be a pattern in my life. I reject things, or don’t fully understand the hype, and then a few years later I’m obsessed.

Still waiting on my Pokemon obsession, though. I’ve been rejecting it since I was in Grade 4. I don’t think it’s coming.

So, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. With velcro.

Now, if you don’t mind, I need to go look at player rankings again. Why? I have no clue. I have them memorized.

This is my cry for help.

Are you excited for the football season to start? Do you play fantasy football? What are you looking forward to this season? Do I need help? Have you ever found yourself obsessed with something you didn’t think you’d obsess over?

While you’re here, one of my long-time blog friends has started a new blog. Her name is Jess – you may remember her. Her new blog is called, Loch Jess Monster. Click on that link and go follow her! She writes entertaining things! Do it!

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 13

This is it. Get a ticket, grab a seat, and say you were here because this is the final episode of this season of The Bachelorette. I’d say this recap is a rollercoaster, but it’s more like a raindrop making it’s way down a window – you don’t know which way it’s gonna go, but you’re pretty sure.

Before we start, I just want to thank Cass for helping me out with these viewing notes every Monday. This show is tough to get through, but knowing someone else was in the boat with me made it easier. Plus, when you combine our thoughts, it’s pretty entertaining and in my mind is 1) better than the show, itself; and 2) the best recap on the internet.

“I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was.” – Muhammed Ali

So, thank you Cass for your dedication and for always making me type things on my blog that I can only shake my head at.

Cass’ thoughts will be in BOLD. Enjoy!

NO NO NO NO.

I didn’t realize I wasn’t taping tonight’s finale & I just turned it on 20 minutes in & Tyler was crying…..

SOMEONE FILL ME IN QUICK

~ Chris Harrison welcomes us inside a studio, where he prepares us for doomsday by saying there will be: love, a proposal, betrayal, and LIES.

~ Batten down the hatches.

~ Back in Greece, Hannah is waking up and reading her Bible.

~ Tyler is off picking out a ring with Neil Lane. He picks one that is, “loud and proud”.

~ Jed picks out an oval-shaped ring because they can always come back to where they started. Oh, really?

~ “I feel like Jed is as honest with me as I am with him – that’s what you want in a life partner.” – Hannah

~ On the drive over to the final rose ceremony, Hannah starts crying and asks to get out of the car.

~ She’s walking down the road and trips over a pothole. HANNAH DOWN. HANNAH DOWN.

~ She says she can’t do this, while sitting on the road in her dress.

~ We’re back from commercial and she’s magically recovered and is now waiting for the first guy to show up. Someone probably read her the LARGE print in her contract.

~ It’s Tyler, which means she’s about to break his heart.

~ SOMEBODY CHECK ON CASS.

~ Tyler goes into his speech about how she’s the best and he wants to marry her. Is this necessary? She’s not picking him anyway.

~ OH, she listened. She just cut him off.

~ “I am so lucky to be loved by you…my life with you would be amazing…I love someone else.” – Hannah

~ “I wish you a perfect success with Jed.” – Tyler

And away he goes, crying in the car. It almost feels like he should float away in a hot air balloon instead.

~ So, she didn’t pick Tyler…..

~ I’m not crying, you’re crying (kidding, I’m crying).

~ YOU MESSED UP GIRL.

~ Back in the studio: “Can Jed give Hannah the love and trust she needs in a husband? We’ll find out next. (Insert huge glare of disdain)” – So that’s a no

~ Jed shows up to meet Hannah WITH HIS GUITAR.

~ So here comes Jed with his guitar….

~ We need a wrestler to show up so he can smash that thing.

~ Are we sure Hannah doesn’t like his guitar more than she likes him? Let’s go around the class and discuss.

~ Jed starts talking and she’s only holding one of his hands BECAUSE HE’S HOLDING HIS GUITAR IN THE OTHER.

~ Oh, now he’s going to sing a song. Fantastic.

~ After all that, Hannah finally tells him she’s picking him.

~ Honestly can’t believe she picked him over Tyler…

~ And here comes the proposal.

~ “Hannah….will you marry me?”

~ He didn’t even say her full name? Does he even know it?

~ She said yes.

~ I can’t even be happy for her right now.

~ Jed’s excitement level is about a 6.5/10 right now.

~ Hannah is about to regret all that “Mr. Right” stuff in a few minutes.

~ In the studio: “Hannah thinks she has found her soulmate.”

~ DUN DUN DUN…

~ “Jed is about to face the music.” – THAT’S WHY THEY PAY CHRIS THE BIG BUCKS

~ Time for the post-engagement stuff, we’re ready. 

~ Now it’s time to pull the thread and watch this unravel.

~ We’re being shown videos of how happy they were when they met up after filming.

~ The second night after they got engaged, Jed told Hannah he was hanging out with “this girl” before the show.

~ A few weeks later, Hannah sees a magazine article about Jed’s ex that says he didn’t end the relationship before going on the show.

~ “Jed has muddied the waters of our future together.”

~ The Final 4 should all have to turn over their cellphone for the lead person to go through. This could’ve been avoided.

~ Jed is now going to meet Hannah at their hideaway house to discuss things.

~ I’m getting Becca & Arie vibes. Please let them sit on a couch.

~ Jed: “Missed you.” Hannah: (Silence)

~ THEY SIT ON A COUCH.

~ Jed says it never felt exclusive or like a relationship with his ex.

I’m going to call her, Ms. X.

~ They also went on a trip to Gallenberg, alone, and stayed in a cabin – for free.

~ This sounds relationship-y.

~ “And you’re not dating?” – Hannah

~ Jed says there was never a label on their relationship.

~ Fair play, label makers are so 1997.

~ So he is downplaying the whole thing with his ex-girlfriend. 

~ Then Ms. X and her parents get Jed a trip to the Bahamas for his birthday, but the trip is on Ms. X’s birthday.

~ And then he gets offered to come on the show and he tells Ms. X about it. He tells her he loves her, but said it while he was drunk and regrets it.

~ This is disgusting.

~ But then he told Ms. X he loved her via text and phone call on the day he left. He had her believe he was going on the show for his career and would return to her afterwards.

~ Hannah feels humiliated and betrayed.

~ You know who would never lie to you: Tyler

~ You know who would never betray you: Tyler

~ You know who would never “end it in his heart, but not verbally say it”: TYLER

Ohh, I wanna play along!

You know who would never give up you, let you down, or desert you: Rick Astley TYLER

~ Did I do it right?

~ She feels like he’s using her and their relationship for his career.

HE TOLD YOU THAT EARLY ON. WE COVERED IT IN THESE NOTES. IT’S DOCUMENTED.

~ LIES AFTER LIES AFTER LIES, I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

~ Jed doesn’t want to cry on camera. Does he not know what show this is?

~ The camera keeps showing that Hannah is still wearing her engagement ring.

~ Jed keeps saying he loves her and wants to be with her forever.

~ “I want to be someone that you’re proud of.” – Jed

All this time he was pretending, so much for her happy ending. Bam, you just got Avril Lavigne’d.

~ “This (pointing to engagement ring) doesn’t mean the same thing.” – Hannah

~ She took it off and placed it on the table. IT’S DONE.

~ DAMN THE RING IS OFF.

~ You tell him, Hannah.

~ Back in the studio, Hannah comes out and the crowd goes wild, but deep down they all think she has poor judgment and should’ve picked Tyler.

~ NOW THAT IS MY FAVOURITE DRESS YET!!!!!!!

~ It’s totally a, “You’re gonna regret being a dick to me” dress.

~ She’s recapping with Chris how she found out about Jed having a girlfriend.

~ Hannah confirms that she is not with Jed anymore. The crowd cheers.

~ Dare I say this opens the door for Tyler?

~ Out comes Jed to about 5 claps.

~ LOL only like 2 people clapped for Jed.

~ On average, 3.5 people clapped for Jed. The 0.5 didn’t clap their hands, but slapped their knee instead.

~ So Jed came out before Tyler, could it be what I think it could be?

~ Jed goes into a long speech where he apologizes to Hannah.

~ So if Jed’s ex didn’t speak out to the media, he probably gets away with this.

~ Jed says he will always be in love with Hannah. Easy there, Whitney Houston.

~ “I know you hurt me, but I’m not trying to hurt you right now.” – Hannah

~ “I’m sorry for both of you.” – Chris Harrison

~ Exit stage left, Jed.

~ She was a whole lot nicer than I would have been, Hannah handled tonight well.

~ “I don’t need a husband, but I want one…I’m hella strong.” – Hannah

~ IT’S TYLER TIME.

~ They’re getting back together aren’t they?

Her feelings for him “just didn’t go away”. How convenient.

~ Out comes Tyler and my ears just popped.

~ The place is going nuts for Tyler.

~ Chris compared this to The Beatles walking in. I’m sorry everyone, but this to me is better.

~ LOOK AT THAT CHEMISTRY.

~ He literally doesn’t have a bad bone in his body.

~ Tyler says some things about how he wanted to be with her. Hannah says their relationship just didn’t go away and “I still have feelings.”

~ “What are those feelings?” – Chris Harrison

~ I can answer this one! Her feelings are that she feels embarrassed for being the only one in the world who wouldn’t pick Tyler and wants to pick him now before they offer to make him the next Bachelor.

~ “You’re an incredible guy and I’m a single girl…” – Hannah

~ Told you.

~ HANNAH JUST ASKED HIM OUT & HE ACCEPTED, OMG.

~ She asked him out for a drink and to hang out. “Tell me when, I’m there.”

~ There wasn’t even a date card?

~ “I will send a date card.” – Chris Harrison. HE HEARD ME.

~ If Chris Harrison can “ship this”, we all can.

If I were Tyler, I wouldn’t have said no to her on live TV, but deep down I’d be thinking, “You chose someone else and only realized how good I was after you finally realized Jed was there for his career, and all the fans called you out on social media for not picking me.”

~ I’m way too into this. I need a new hobby.

~ In the end, Hannah didn’t find a husband. She found a guitar with no strings attached, ditched it, and ran back to the runner-up because the rules state that if the winner can’t fulfill his obligations, the runner-up will take over.

~ All is right again in the Bachelor world.

~ This feels like the end of a Santa Clause movie.

~ Oh what, DEMI WAS IN THE AUDIENCE?

It’s been a crazy night, it’s been a crazy season. I don’t know how we did it, but we did. Huge thank you to my pal Paul for inviting me back week after week. I’d like to say it’ll be nice to have Monday nights back, but Bachelor in Paradise starts next Monday, so yeah! We survived!

Thanks again, Cass!

And thank you to everyone who read these recaps! We hope you found them entertaining! If you didn’t, read them again. I promise they’re great!

Bachelor in Paradise starts up next Monday, but we aren’t recapping it. We need a five-month break to prepare for The Bachelor in January.

From outside the Bachelor mansion, goodnight.

(Hey, we’re technically outside the Bachelor mansion, don’t question it!)

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 12

We made it. Welcome to Part 1 of the season finale of The Bachelorette.

Joining me once again is Cass – her thoughts will appear in BOLD. Let’s get this show on the road.

We’re back! Only two more of these before you’re done with us till The Bachelor.

~ Chris Harrison greets us in front of a lively studio audience and asks a bunch of rhetorical questions that subtly tell us Hannah won’t have a happy ending.

~ I now expect Avril Lavigne to perform, “My Happy Ending” at the After The Final Rose episode, just as Air Supply did last season.

~ We go back to the Rose Ceremony in Greece, where Luke was banished, and Hannah still has two roses to give out.

~ Starting off with Hannah freaking out & Chris nonchalantly moving the rose table back.

~ This Rose Ceremony has already carried on for too long, let’s get on with it please.

~ Really upset the salmon jacket didn’t make it this far, clearly it belonged to one of the guys who was sent home. 

~ The first rose goes to Jed.

~ The second rose goes to Tyler.

~ Tyler always says her whole name & it’s the freaking cutest thing in the world. 

~ Peter Pilot will be flying home.

~ Later Peter.

~ I reallllly hate the back of that dress.

~ She tells Peter Pilot he is her Ken doll and did nothing wrong. We go back to the studio and Peter Pilot has landed in the seat across from Chris Harrison.

~ We’re back in the studio, time to fast-forward.

~ I am going to fly through this episode if it means I can fast-forward these studio segments.

~ Back to Greece we go and Hannah’s family is there to meet the final two. First up, Tyler.

~ OMG, time for Tyler to meet the parents.

~ Tyler arrives with flowers and a golf shirt that says, “I just came from a country club.”

~ Tyler reveals that he took a bunch of dance classes in college because he got kicked out of his English class and got a D in Economics, so he had to take summer classes and dance was one of them.

~ Hannah’s mom is very impressed by Tyler: “He was pretty amazing all the way around.”

~ Hannah’s dad is also impressed by Tyler.

~ OMG I’M JUST MELTING OVER HERE.

~ This just in: Cass is also impressed by Tyler.

~ That went so damn well!

~ GO TYLER.

~ Oh Jed’s time, let’s see how this goes.

~ While Hannah is outside greeting Jed, Hannah’s mom tells the rest of the family that she’ll give Jed a fair shot, but Tyler set the bar high.

~ It’s been five seconds and Jed is already talking about being a musician.

~ The family doesn’t look impressed.

~ Hannah’s dad pulls him aside and asks about his plan for the future and how he’ll support Hannah.

~ Jed tells him he’s signed a deal with a dog food company. He wrote a jingle for them.

~ LOL, Jed going on about how he signed a contract with a dog food company to write their jingle…

~ Remember when Jed admitted to coming on the show to further his music career, but that changed when he realized how great Hannah is?

~ Jed says Hannah’s parents seem concerned about the financial aspect of their relationship.

~ “They don’t think I’m adequate or something.” – I’M DEAD

~ Do her parents not know that most contestants who make it this far end up being social media influencers and get paid to sell products no one needs?

~ “How do you think about Jed and I together?” “He has qualities….”

~ OH MAN.

~ Hannah’s parents prefer Tyler because he’d be able to support her.

~ All signs from her parents are literally pointing towards Tyler.

You can tell Hannah came into this wanting to pick Jed, but her family likes Tyler, so now she’s confused.

~ Hannah tells her dad that she can provide for herself and her family as well, and doesn’t need to rely on a man.

~ I’m just so glad that date didn’t go well at all.

~ Time for the final date between Hannah and Tyler.

~ They are going horseback riding….again. The horses cooperate this time.

~ Tyler and Hannah sit down on a blanket with wine and Tyler tells her he wants to be with her.

~ Guys should be watching Tyler & actually taking notes.

~ The night portion of the date is more of the same.

~ “I could see being in his arms forever.” – Foreshadowing?

~ It’s time for the last date between Hannah and Jed.

~ They’re on a boat. This is the 74th date this season that’s taken place on a boat.

~ Of course, they do the Titanic pose. I’ve never seen Titanic.

~ “I don’t know if I like all these rocky waters.” – Hannah

~ Hannah feels sicks.

~ FORESHADOWING?

~ Hannah getting sea sick while on her date with Jed is a serious sign.

~ Jed’s conversations with her are less about how they’ll spend their life together, and more about worrying what will happen in the next few days and what her family thought of him.

~ Jed, you aren’t here for the right reasons, so shut your mouth. 

~ Safe to say, he knows her family preferred Tyler.

~ It’s time for the night portion and Jed admits that he’s feeling anxious. Hannah is, too.

~ Jed reiterates that he wants to be with her.

~ Hannah is confused about who she wants to be with.

~ She slept with Tyler tonight & didn’t with Jed – that’s another sign guys!

~ Back to the studio we go, to wrap up the episode.

~ Chris Harrison: “Will Hannah get the happy ending she deserves or will it be the most shocking finale in Bachelor history that might leave all of Bachelor nation in tears?”

~ Probably the latter, Chris, by the way you worded that. Geeze.

~ Hannah is now telling us that since the last day in Greece, the last few months have been really tough and emotional and Hannah doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow, but has a lot of questions she needs answers to.

~ Another PSA from Hannah, it’s been one of those seasons.

~ They’re buttering our pans so hard right now.

~ Chris Harrison wants us to get our rest because tomorrow night is like nothing we’ve seen before.

Alright, Chris. Goodnight.

Thanks Paul for letting me be a part of this tonight, & since you can’t get rid of me that easy I’ll see you all tomorrow….

One more episode to go. See you all back here tomorrow for the conclusion of this season.

Do you think she’ll pick Tyler, or Jed? Will Chris Harrison yell at someone? Will Hannah have a happy ending? Will Avril Lavigne show up? We’re dying to know your thoughts! Literally, we’re dying here. It’s been a long season. 

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Hockenheim

Soak it in because…FINALLY, the rain has found its way back to a Formula 1 racetrack on race day! There is nothing better than watching twenty cars struggle around every turn because the ground is wet.

It’s just hours of un-fastforwardable entertainment.

The German Grand Prix took place yesterday in Hockenheim and it was chaos. Oh, how I love chaos with my sports.

I don’t care that auto racing likes to show off fast cars that can get from Point A to Point B in the blink of an eye. I want there to be a struggle. I want every car to have a chance to run near the front. I want the unconventional and unlikely to happen.

I WANT RAIN.

Earlier this week, I added Hockenheim, Germany to my phone’s weather app for the sole purpose of checking to see if there would be rain this weekend.

Sure enough, THERE WAS.

It’s like I stubbed my toe and went to heaven.

If you don’t follow Formula 1, let me lay out this season for you very quickly.

It started with a behind-the-scenes Netflix documentary, which turned into Mercedes dominating every race, and Ferrari looking like bumbling fools at every turn, except in Canada where Vettel ran away from the cameras, but came back to put the first place sign in front of his second place car because wooo pettiness, but let’s not forget about Red Bull essentially being a one driver team, or the fact that Lance Stroll qualifies 18th for just about every race, while the Williams team is three seconds slower than everyone else.

That’s it, you’re caught up.

Needless to say, this season has been boring. There has been no doubt who has the fastest car and everyone is just driving in circles trying to get excited about a 7th place finish.

The great equalizer is rain. Anyone can spin off at any time and strategy comes into play multiple times throughout the race. It’s just mayhem and I love every second of it.

The German Grand Prix yesterday was the most entertaining race I’ve seen since I started following Formula 1 again in 2016. It was the first time, in a long time, I didn’t have to fast forward through any of it.

I won’t bore you with all the details – if you didn’t watch it, you won’t understand what I’m saying. I will list off some of my favourite moments, though.

1. LANCE STROLL WAS IN FIRST PLACE FOR ABOUT 45 SECONDS. I was laughing so hard. I still can’t believe it. Here’s a guy who is consistently 18th in qualifying, leading a race. The camera never showed his car while he was in first. I also found that funny.

2. Lewis Hamilton – resident golden boy – had a pit stop that was nearly a minute long because he hit a wall right before the pit lane and broke his front nose, so his team didn’t have time to prepare anything for him before he arrived.

I love unscheduled pit stops. They make my heart sing. The frantic scene that unravels, while the car sits still for way too long, coupled with the commentators voices getting more urgent – it’s just incredible.

3. The word, “Bollard”. Hamilton darted into the pit lane by crossing over the grass, instead of entering the lane properly on the right side of the BOLLARD. I just love that word and how the British commentators say it. BOLLARD.

4. Hometown hero, Sebastian Vettel, started in last place and finished second. Of course he did. Ferrari is really good at concocting a race strategy when they have nothing to lose. Time for new tires? Sure, why not! Let’s roll the dice!

He was so enthusiastic after the race in interviews. It sounded like he had fun for the first time in years. Hopefully, this sparks something in him and reminds him who he is and what he’s capable of.

5. Daniil Kvyat got his Toro Rosso on the podium in third place. When cars that aren’t supposed to be on the podium, get on the podium, I love it. Some people like greatness and enjoy seeing the same people dominate. I don’t.

6. If I had a dime for every time they said someone was off at the penultimate corner, I could probably sponsor the German Grand Prix and keep it alive beyond this season. I like when cars go off the track, as long as the driver doesn’t get hurt, obviously.

It normally leads to some sort of safety car and forces teams to make split-second decisions on whether to pit, or stay out. It just injects uncertainty into the race.

I didn’t enjoy seeing Charles Leclerc go off, but it was for the greater good. He’s young and will be around for the next decade. It’s fine.

7. The Haas drivers don’t play nice with each other and I love it. In a world where all every team wants is for their drivers to give each other space on the track, Kevin Magnussen and Romain Grosjean refuse to go an entire race without bumping into each other.

It’s like a square on a Bingo card at this point. Did the Haas cars touch? Yup! Cross it off.

8. Max Verstappen won the race. Red Bull is like the Alternative music genre. They won’t get the attention on the radio stations, but will sneak up on you and say, “Hey, we sound better than them!”

My loyalties are split between Ferrari and Red Bull, so it’s always good to see Red Bull do well.

9. Kimi Raikkonen’s car is the epitome of “old man strength”. All the young kids on the track are driving around in the rain for the first time, feeling things out, and there he is just cruising around like it’s no big deal.

He’s such a character. You can’t understand a word he says in interviews because he speaks on the same breath for the duration of his mumbled collection of sentences, but it’s endearing.

10. I thoroughly enjoy watching a team be the first to take a gamble on dry tires. It could pay off, like it did for Stroll and Kvyat, or it could be catastrophic. There is no in between. But as soon as the other teams see that dry tires are working…EVERYBODY INTO THE PITS!

If you can’t tell by now, I enjoy a busy pit lane.

11. Honourable mention to Ted Kravitz – pit lane reporter. For some reason (which I won’t get into), he isn’t at every race this year. It’s a shame because he brings so much joy to the broadcast. He transfers his passion and knowledge of F1 to each viewer at home.

Those are my favourite moments from the race. I’m probably missing some because the whole race was my favourite moment.

It’s a shame there won’t be a German Grand Prix next season. It’s a great track, which is surrounded by a gazillion trees. It’s quite the site/sight.

I enjoy the old-school feel to it, with grass on the side of the track, as well as different areas where you can pass. Plus, it’s Germany. How can you not have a Formula 1 race there every year? They basically make cars there for breakfast.

I’m still mad they aren’t going back to Malaysia, so don’t get me started on this whole “not returning to certain tracks because of money” thing.

That being said, if they find new countries with racetracks that provide great entertainment, I’ll shut right up and enjoy it. But the last thing this sport needs is more tracks where overtaking is impossible.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this post because the race was so much fun to watch. I hope there are more wet weather races this season. And if they aren’t, I urge F1 officials to set up sprinklers on the track to get it nice and wet.

Anything you need to do to bring out the wet tires, do it.

I still long for the days when they didn’t just have wet tires, but also monsoon tires.

MONSOON TIRES.

Those two words still get me pumped up.

Tomorrow I’ll be adding Mogyorod, Hungary as a location on my weather app, to see if rain is expected for next weekend’s grand prix. Let us pray.

Thanks for reading!

What are your thoughts on yesterday’s German Grand Prix? What quirky aspects of your favourite sport do you enjoy?

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 11

This will be the shortest Bachelorette recap we’ve ever done because the first twenty minutes of the show is all we’re discussing. The rest of the episode was The Men Tell All which I refuse to sit through.

After a week away, Cass is back to make sure I don’t fall into this sinkhole alone. Her thoughts will be in BOLD.

I’m back, sorry for leaving y’all last week (very sorry Paul for abandoning you, won’t happen again).

Let’s get this going.

~ Chris Harrison is in front of a deathly silent studio audience because this show must be serious about everything at all times.

~ We’re now seeing footage of the Rose Ceremony in Greece, after Hannah sent Luke “home” last week.

~ Peter Pilot, Tyler, and Jed are wearing the same suit, just different colours. Are they triplets now? What’s going on here?

~ The overlapping audio is Hannah trashing Luke, which is only about nine weeks later than when the viewers started doing it.

~ That is one interesting dress.

~ I’m just so glad she finally came to her senses about Luke.

~ Surprise, he’s on his way back…

~ Cut to Luke in a car, filming himself en route to the Rose Ceremony. The studio audience is shocked he’s coming back. SHOCKED, I tell you.

~ HE HAS A FREAKING RING.

~ I CAN’T GUYS, I CAN’T.

~ Luke says he still loves Hannah and this isn’t over for him.

~ The Bachelor producers have (probably) convinced him to come back to talk to Hannah because they don’t care about how it’ll make Hannah feel seeing him again. They just want the drama.

~ Luke walks into the Rose Ceremony and takes his place in the police lineup.

~ Meanwhile, off-stage, Chris is telling Hannah she has three men and two roses.

~ OMG she has no idea, omg my heart can’t take this.

~ This is all a set-up and Chris Harrison knows it. He’s an evil mastermind.

There’s probably a producer in his earpiece telling him that Luke has arrived and he can stop stalling Hannah.

Hannah is on her way…

~ Wow, she walked those stairs so gracefully, I would have wiped out.

~ Hannah arrives and sees Luke standing there.

~ “Why are you here?” “I need to talk to you.” “No.”

~ This is a script straight out of a Grade 9 drama class.

~ The look on the guys faces right now. 

~ Pretty sure you can’t just wander onto a TV set if the crew/security doesn’t let you. They let him. He’s not crashing anything. He’s being permitted to torment her further. That ain’t right.

~ HIM PULLING THE COMMUNICATION CARD.

~ “I’ve already sent you home.” – The guys in line look relieved.

~ Go Hannah!

~ Peter, Jed & Tyler are trying so hard not to laugh. 

~ The guys are now stepping in to create a buffer between Luke and Hannah.

~ STEP ON IN, BOYS.

~ Jed talking to him like he’s a dog. “Get”…”Go”.

~ Where’s Chris Harrison with a broom to sweep him away?

~ Oh, there he is. No broom. No pepper spray. Just a stern look.

~ This whole Luke thing is seriously a piss off. 

~ “So, Hannah, what do you want? This is all up to you.” – Chris Harrison

~ Oh, shut your mouth. Don’t let Luke back on the show in the first place. That’s what she wants.

~ “I don’t want him to be here.” – Hannah

~ Thank God Chris stepped in, I mean it took him long enough.

~ I almost feel bad that they (probably) put Luke up to coming back for the Rose Ceremony.

~ Luke clearly just wanted to extend his stay in Greece.

~ “He has a ring in his pocket right now. He was ready to propose to you.” – Chris

~ He didn’t get the ring on his own. The show obviously gave it to him. What a set-up. Chris is twisting the plot.

~ “We just watched Luke’s shocking return, crashing the Rose Ceremony in Greece.” – Chris

~ Shocking? Crashing? You had someone drive him there and then allowed him in front of the camera, probably while wearing TV makeup that your crew provided.

~ We’re transitioning into The Men Tell All recap in front of the live studio audience and I have no interest in watching.

~ Shoot, Paul SOS. They stopped it for The Men Tell All.

~ That’s my cue.

~ Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put wine in the fridge for next week, see you next Monday!

Next Monday is the finale. Next Tuesday is the two-hour After The Final Rose episode because this season insists on being a dumpster fire until the very end and they need two hours to tell us why we wasted our time.

Sorry if my tone came across as annoyed, but I am annoyed. Cass was great, at least.

Bye.

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How To Clean A Window

Hey, what’s up everybody!? It’s ya boy, Paul E. Wally Windows here to teach you how to get your windows looking clean, pristine, and virtually unseen. So, don’t be a fillet, let’s scrub that dirt today!

WHO’S READY TO WINDOW?

WE’RE READY TO WIN, DOE!

Righteous, that’s the spirit, my windoholics!

The first thing you need to do before cleaning a window is select a window. Do you want a car window? Do you want a bathroom window? Do you want your bedroom window?

The possibilities are endless! It doesn’t even have to be your window! It could be the second window at the McDonald’s drive-thru!

Today, I’m going to teach you how to clean your patio doors from the outside.

But Paul E. Wally Windows, that’s not a window. It’s a door.

False! It’s a sliding door. And you can see through it! Therefore, it’s a window and I can handle it!

First thing you’re going to need is a bucket. Get a bucket. Next thing you need is some dish soap. Put some of it in the bucket. Then fill up the bucket with water.

BAM. SOAPY WATER.

Then you need to find yourself a window washing brush with a long handle, that has a spongy end to it so you can squeeze out all the excess water.

Are you talking about a turkey baster?

NO.

Are you talking about a mop?

NO.

Are you talking about a…

I think it’s pretty clear what I’ve asked for!

Once you have your stuff, head outside! Those windows won’t know what’s coming…until you get there.

Let’s get ready to WINDOWWWW!

Step 1: Using the hose in your backyard, spray your patio windows until they are wetter than a child who fell in a giant puddle during recess because they were chasing a soccer ball and slipped.

Was that you Mr. Paul E. Wally Windows?

NO.

Ok, maybe. IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

Step 2: Dunk your window brush into the soapy water and then start washing the window by starting on the East side of the window, following a North-South, South-North pattern, while slow migrating your way to the Western border.

Once there, you may or may not have to provide documentation to prove that you are only there on a business trip. It may offer you a voucher for a veggie lasagna dinner, but don’t trust it, because IT’S A WINDOW.

DON’T LOSE FOCUS.

Step 3: Repeat Step 2 for the window’s spouse. Patio windows are always married, it seems. They always come with a companion. One slides, the other doesn’t. I think it’s an arranged marriage. I’ve never asked. Anyway, there’s two of them.

Step 4: Oftentimes, these windows like to bicker. So to keep the peace, there is a screen between them. It filters a lot of the nonsense and keeps them from bugging out. To clean the screen, you will use the same motion as Step 2, but do it gentlier.

You mean, “gentler”…

I SAID GENTLIER! NO, WAIT. MORE GENTLIER! DO IT MORE GENTLIER!

The screen is emotionally and physically fragilé (must be Italian) and you don’t want to put a hole through its heart with a window brush. Why? It screened you before you showed up. It knows who you are. Don’t mess with the screen.

I SAID DON’T MESS!

Step 5: Congratulations, windowmaniacs, there is soapy water everywhere! Grab the hose and wash it away!

Looking clean already!

BUT NOT CLEAN ENOUGH!

Do you have standards, or lanyards? Because if you have lanyards, you’re in the wrong place! Here, we have standards! So let’s act like it!

Step 6: Repeat steps 2-5, but with purpose this time.

I SAID WITH PURPOSE!

Step 7: Inspect your work. Is the dirt gone? Did you miss a spot? Is water dripping from above? Is there soot on the bottom, where the door slides?

Would you just really like to spray the window down one more time with the hose because it’s fun?

GO FOR IT!

At this point, you realize you’ve forgotten a few things in the house. You don’t have any windex. You don’t have any towels – of the paper, nor tea, variety.

You look around and realize there is no Tow L. Truck in your backyard, so…

Hey, Mr. Paul E. Wally Windows, do you mean a Tow Truck? Like for cars?

NO. A Tow L. Truck. Like for towels. We’re not cleaning a car window! Get with it!

Step 8: Scream in the house, saying you need towels and windex. Someone will eventually  show up, whether they live there or not.

Step 9: Today, we have paper towels. Rip off a few sheets and get drying! Be sure to get all the drips at the top, all the water at the bottom, as well as the droplets in between. Water is everywhere, so your towel should be too.

Step 10: Gently pass the towel over the screen door. Again, it’s fragilé (must be Italian). It’ll make a few popping sounds, but don’t be alarmed, it’s not making popcorn. You didn’t forget the butter in the house, also. It’s just drying itself. Nothing to worry about.

Step 11: When the windows are as dry as you’re going to get them, get that windex bottle ready to fire. It’s important to do this step quickly after Step 10, so streaks don’t develop.

THERE SHALL BE NO STREAKERS TODAY.

Make sure the wind isn’t blow in your direction, otherwise the windex will come back and hit you in the face. When you’re ready, aim, and fire at the window. A couple sprays at the top, middle, and bottom.

This is an equal opportunity window – each level should have it’s time to shine.

Step 12: Wipe the windex using paper towels.

Step 13: Stand back and admire your work! If there are any runaway drops of water, or windex that wasn’t rubbed in properly, handle it.

I SAID HANDLE IT.

Voila, mes amis, you did it! You cleaned a window!

Feel free to go up to it and make remarks like, “Wow, I can see through it more clearly than before” and “Birds are going to be flying into this, it’s so clean” and “Wait, is it time for lunch?”

And that concludes today’s window washing lesson! Most of you have been wonderful students! The rest of you don’t know what a Tow L. Truck is.

To the window, to the Paul – I’m drying off and signing off!

Thank you for your attention…to detail.

Posted in Fiction, Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

New Twitter

I’ve been using social media for ten years. Sorry, should I have introduced myself before saying that? For some reason, this feels like one of those meetings where you sit in a circle, admit your faults, and try not to get too many cookie crumbs on yourself.

I’m not going to do that, it’s too cliche. I’ll accept cookies, though.

Whenever a social media platform changes their layout, you can always rely on people to complain about it. It’s inevitable. People like negativity. It’s ironic, if you think about it.

Twitter has come a long way from the days of manual retweets. Remember that? You had to copy someone’s tweet, add their @, and then put an “RT” in front of it, all while staying under 140 characters. Such a process.

Might as well have just pulled out the papyrus and quill pen, and sent the message out via passenger pigeon.

And then they took away the Favourite button which was a star and turned it into a Like button with a heart icon, making it Valentine’s Day, every day. What a nightmare.

People complained…about the button changing, not the Valentine’s Day every day thing.

And then they made the square profile picture a circle! Who are we, Humpty Dumpty?

That made people mad because photos should be a square and not cut off at the corners. How dare they force us into a circle? No one puts us in a corner circle!

So, after circle got the square (told you it was Valentine’s Day every day), they started putting our timeline out of order.

*Insert long tangent here about how tweets appearing out of order makes me miss some tweets, or see others more times than I want to*

Then there was the whole thing about how tweets would now be 280 characters, which most people dreaded, but it hasn’t turned out that bad.

Note: These changes may not have happened in this order, but I’m not going to waste my time looking it up. 

I’m getting off topic.

New Twitter came out a few days ago and I was expecting to hate it. I had taken a look at it over the last few weeks, as a preview, and determined it was ridiculous.

Well, hello my name is Paul, and I am the ridiculous one.

*Eats cookies*

I like New Twitter. There, I said it. I like New Twitter.

The main headings being on the left side, rather at the top, is surprisingly refreshing. If I was nitpicking, the Profile button should be at the top of the list, but whatever.

I like how Messages open in a side window, so you can still see other messages coming in while you’re talking to someone.

I like how if you click on a tweet, it takes you to a new page and you can scroll smoothly through the replies.

If this were the first version of Twitter and we didn’t have anything else as reference, I think people would really enjoy it. That’s how I try to view things.

One thing I don’t like is that they took my red colour scheme from me. With Old Twitter, you could pick any colour you wanted for the buttons and hashtags. Now, you have a choice of six.

Blue, Yellow (or is it Gold?), Pink, Purple, Orange, and Green.

The whole reason I had red with Old Twitter, was because I thought the blue was boring and generic.

So, without red to choose from, I needed a new colour. I’ve chosen a colour and will now explain how I selected it.

Let’s start with Green. I tried it out for a few hours and it wasn’t bad, but it’s green. Do I like green? Am I green person? I don’t know. It doesn’t jive with me, though it was a nice change and easy to see.

Orange just reminds me of Halloween and I don’t really care much for Halloween.

Blue was too generic. I can’t do it.

Is the Pink supposed to be half red? Is it a tweener? Am I colour-blind? It’s just a strange colour and I can’t be staring at it all the time thinking about how weird it is.

It just hit me – it’s the colour of Barney.

Yellow (or is it Gold?) is nice, but it’s hard for me to read. It’s one of those bright colours that hits you like a line drive, rather than a lazy fly ball. If you don’t know baseball, that last sentence went right through your glove.

So, all that is just leading me to say that the colour I’ve chosen is Purple. I know, I’m shocked too.

I like purple. Guys can like purple. Fight me. In university, my residence floor colour was purple. We had purple sweaters and bandanas, so that’s left some purple residue in me.

I also had a nice purple/white dress shirt at one point, too.

On Twitter, the colour is just easy on the eyes. I can read it. It’s a warm colour. It says, “Hey, take a nap or have a snack.” I like that. The other colours don’t talk to me like that.

Blue: “Hey, I’m unoriginal.”

Yellow (or is it Gold?): “You like me but I’m hard to read.”

Pink: “You think I’m red, but I’m not red, I’m Barney.”

Orange: “PUMPKIN.”

Green: “I look like your front lawn.”

See, terrible pick-up lines.

If they still offered red, I’d have chosen the red, but they didn’t. They had limited options and I talked myself out of 83.3% of them.

So, purple it is. It’s different. It’s a nice change. I like it. You can judge me, but you’d be wasting your time.

Most people don’t like New Twitter, but they’ll still use it. Two months from now, they won’t even think about the old one. It’s just “in-the-moment” outrage because that’s what everyone does.

Not to end this abruptly, but I’m going to end it abruptly because I’ve run out of words.

Thanks for reading!

Do you like New Twitter? What colour theme did you choose? Are we supposed to tweet forever?

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 10

Hold on to your butts.

I’m flying solo this week, but I don’t recommend you try this at home. Watching this show without a buddy is like being in a horror film and running upstairs as soon as the killer shows up. It’s just stupid.

If Cass does end up joining me at some point, her thoughts will appear in BOLD.

I’m contractually obligated to say that in every post.

I’m not, it’s just habit. This is off the rails, already. Cass, come back.

~ We are in Crete, Greece this week, so they can talk about how great the culture is but never actually explore it.

~ It’s almost as if their stay will be Dis-Crete. HAHA.

~ Peter Pilot is up first and what the goat, they’re on a boat! Again?

~ I’m starting to think they have so many boat dates on this show, just to prevent real people from taking pictures of them.

~ Oh great, we get an extreme close-up of their feet as they lay together. Can we not zoom in on their elbows instead?

~ It’s time for dinner after a long day of exploring Greece! Oh wait, they didn’t.

~ Peter Pilot says he’s never met anyone close to the kind of person Hannah is, and flying with her was like nothing he’s ever experienced.

~ The couch they’re sitting on has about six too many pillows. Like, is it a couch or a pillow convention?

~ While I’m talking about pillows, he tells her he’s in love with her because it’s Episode 10 and this is the time you’re allowed to say it.

~ Hannah pulls out the fantasy suite card, written by Chris Harrison.

~ “Hannah & Peter Pilot, welcome to Greece, home of the whopper. This is your conscience speaking. Take this key to stay the night in the fantasy suite, which will be a room that only has candles, so let your “spark” burn eternal. – Your dawg, Chris Harrisizzle.”

~ Their fantasy suite is in a windmill. Ruh roh. If you’ve done your additional readings, you’ll know what “the windmill” means.

~ It’s the next morning and Hannah says she feels like Aphrodite – “the Greek goddess of Luuuv”.

~ If I knew I’d get the chance to put my Ancient Greek mythology knowledge to use tonight, I would’ve wrapped myself in a bedsheet and called it a toga.

~ I regret not making a Poseidon reference while they were on the boat. Oh well, there will be more boats.

~ Poseidon was the god of the sea, as you may know.

~ Whereas Paulseidon is the god of, “I don’t care, let’s fast forward”.

~ Time for Tyler’s date. He doesn’t look as tall in Greece as he does everyone else in the world. Must be the conversion rate.

~ “Greek god of a man”.

~ They’re exploring Greece by going to a spa to get a massage. Yay, travel!

~ They talk about how Hannah fit in with his family.

~ Hannah tells us that Tyler is that dream guy everyone wants to be with and she’s like, “Woah, he wants to be with me?”

~ This is where Cass would say that if Hannah doesn’t want him, she’s here.

~ The masseuses have left and Tyler is giving Hannah a massage.

~ You know how people make a house a home? They just made this massage room a sauna.

~ BOOM ANALYSIS!

~ Time for dinner and Hannah tells Tyler that she needs more than a physical connection with him.

~ *Insert Cass yelling*

~ Told you last week, she doesn’t take him seriously as the final one.

~ Now they’re hopping on a boat. AGAIN. Is this their fantasy suite? So, a windmill and now a boat. Does Greece not allow them in hotels?

~ It’s the next morning – they have breakfast, Tyler grabs his backpack, and heads off, as Hannah sits on the plank.

~ A backpack? Is Tyler in summer school?

~ I’m restraining myself from calling it a knapsack.

~ Time for Jed. If they get on a boat, I will be Poseid myself. As opposed to beside myself. It’s a joke. Laugh. I SAID LAUGH.

~ “So, we’re gonna take in the culture”.

~ In other words, they’re crashing a family gathering so they can dance and eat with the locals and say they experienced Greek culture.

~ “Together, you looks very beautiful.” – Greek man

~ The family asks if they’re going to get married and she explains that this week is about getting more time with her four boyfriends.

~ This makes Jed feel awkward and he pulls her aside to ask how she could consider being with someone like Luke.

~ Time to activate Paulseidon – the Greek god of fast forwarding.

~ It’s time for dinner and they’re still talking about Luke. Somebody help me.

~ So much for politics, religion, and your girlfriend’s other boyfriends not being appropriate dinner topics.

~ Hannah is frustrated that Jed is questioning her, doesn’t want to explain why she likes Luke anymore, and walks away.

~ I would also like to walk away.

~ Another dinner left untouched. HAVE YE NO HUNGER?

~ Oh, they’ve returned to the dinner table to talk some more. I can’t listen to this.

~ Summoning Paulseidon.

~ The fantasy card has been pulled out. Wow, they actually get a real suite. The living room is a pool!

~ Their bed is the location for the second pillow convention of the episode, attended by about 14 of Greece’s softest.

~ Jed calls this the best sleepover ever. I don’t think either of them have had any food for the last 24 hours. I’m genuinely concerned.

~ Can we slip them some cashews? Saltines? I’ll settle for cheesestrings, even though it’s the most ridiculous snack ever created.

~ Jed also leaves with a backpack. Does he have summer school with Tyler?

~ It’s time for Luke’s date and they are going to Santorini on a helicopter. What, no boat?

~ Hannah went from a boat ride, to a spa, to a family picnic, to a helicopter ride.

I get more of a Greek experience when I get food from Jimmy The Greek. Note: This joke may not be available in your country. 

~ Hannah declares Luke the best kisser.

~ “When I look you in the eyes, I see my future wife.” – Luke, quoting the Jonas Brothers?

~ The first half of this date has gone so well, it’s as if the editors are preparing to drop a bombshell on us.

~ It’s also a harrowing reminder that they’re really good at controlling how each contestant comes across.

~ It’s time for dinner and they make a toast, BUT NEVER EAT ANY TOAST.

~ EAT SOME TOAST. GET SOME NOURISHMENT. YOU SPENT ALL DAY IN THE SUN.

~ Luke wants to talk to her about marriage and how “the marriage bed should be kept pure”.

~ Luke wants to hear her say that she’s saving herself for marriage and isn’t sleeping with the other guys, otherwise he’s going to self-evict.

~ I’m about to climb inside my water bottle and stay there for the next 72 hours until it’s safe.

~ Hannah is mad that he’s questioning and judging her.

~ Now would be a good time for a waiter to show up with food.

~ “Bologna for the gentleman and chicken nuggets for the lady”. – I’m preparing the script for when the waiter finally pops out of the bush.

~ “The closest thing I’ve ever felt to love at first sight was with you.” – Hannah

~ “You’ve broken my heart….and I’ve ignored the red flags.” – Hannah

~ It is now raining. This is pathetic fallacy at its finest. All my school knowledge is coming out tonight.

~ Hannah is just letting.him.have.it.right.now.

I believe that’s how the kids would’ve typed that out.

~ “I do not want you to be my husband.” – Hannah

~ BOOM, you just got Hannah’d!

~ Luke is dejected. D-E…J-E…C-T-E-D…DEJECTED.

~ She wants to walk him out, but he’s not standing up.

~ “It’s over, come on.” – Hannah

~ “Come on. Come on. Why won’t you come on? Here boy. Let’s go. You want the bologna? You want the bologna? Go get the bologna! Come on. Go get it!” – Again, I’m just writing a better script for this show.

~ He feels like she owes him a minute to explain.

~ “I don’t owe you anything at this point, don’t you understand that? I don’t owe you anything, please get up!” – Hannah

~ Luke says he sees a future with her.

~ LOL WHO IS HIS OPTOMETRIST?

~ Cass would be SO over this.

~ Luke is now refusing to get in the limo.

~ Can you be arrested for refusing elimination on The Bachelorette?

~ At this point, his camp councillor needs to just pick him up and carry him away.

~ Still refusing to enter the vehicle, Hannah tells him what she did in the windmill with Peter and that finally convinces him to leave.

~ Luke drives away and Hannah gives him the finger.

~ Hannah goes back to the table to eat her dinner grab her wine.

~ It’s over.

~ Next week on The Bachelorette, Luke crashes the Rose Ceremony and Hannah yells at him.

And then it looks like the episode transitions into the Men Tell All reunion? We’re not making notes on that because our sanity is our main priority. If there’s a recap next week, it’ll just cover the Rose Ceremony.

In two weeks, it’s the finale.

So what’d I miss?

NOT MUCH, JUST EVERYTHING.

Sorry I left you on your own tonight Paul, but thankfully you survived fantasy suite week & recapped it for us all!

Survived and thrived! Barely. Not really. I’m ending this post now.

What are your thoughts on last night’s episode?

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Blue Jays at the Break

I realize that Major League Baseball is back in action after the All-Star break, so do whatever you need to do to make yourself believe this post happened last week and the Toronto Blue Jays are still on a break.

Channel your inner Ross (Atkins) if you have to.

That was a Blue Jays GM and Friends joke for the price of one. Appreciate.

The Blue Jays have a record of 35-59, which includes the three games they played after the All-Star break, which means I’ve made a whole mess out of this “Blue Jays at the Break” premise.

Now that you’re thoroughly confused, I’ll mention that they’re 25.5 games out of first place and have been eliminated from playoff contention since before the season started.

It’s a rebuilding year; I expected this.

When you’re rebuilding, you’re going to lose a lot. Younger players are going to struggle and make mistakes. Games are going to get ugly. It’s hard to watch, at times, but you know it’s a necessary step.

Apparently, a lot of fans don’t understand what “rebuilding” means and feel the need to vent their frustrations on Twitter. I don’t know, it’s like getting mad at a 4-year-old for spilling their drink. There’s really no point.

The season started and it felt like no one on the team could hit anything. It was like they were swinging at a piñata, while wearing a blindfold, except the piñata was moving at 94 MPH.

Then the bats finally got going and they started scoring runs. Yay, hitting! I’m trying to avoid talking about the pitching, if you can’t tell.

Let’s go around the diamond.

Catcher – Danny Jansen: Danny hit the wall, never had it all…for the first three months of the season, but now he does nothing but hit home runs, it seems. His defence has been solid, I can’t complain.

Ten points to whoever caught the song reference.

First Base – Justin Smoak: He’ll probably be traded in the next two weeks.

Second Base – Cavan Biggio: He’s quickly becoming my favourite Blue Jay. Not to toot my own horn, but he plays the game exactly how I used to. Just a smart player who is patient at the plate and gets on base. I think his patience has rubbed off on others.

Shortstop – Freddy Galvis: There was a two-week stretch at the start of the season when no one knew how he wanted his last name pronounced. He’s been a solid veteran for the kids to look up to, but he’s probably getting moved in the next two weeks, as well.

Third Base – Vladimir Guerrero Jr.: How can you not like this kid? He’s 20-years-old, has a million dollar smile, and hit 91 home runs in the Home Run Derby. When I was that age, I was shoving my face into a watermelon for a watermelon eating contest. Surprisingly refreshing.

Left Field – Lourdes Gurriel Jr.: Good Lourdes, what an arm he has. He always looked too tall in the infield, but I don’t think anyone expected him to adapt to the outfield as quickly as he has.

Centre Field – Teoscar Hernandez: I don’t know if he has more to give, or if we’ve seen everything he’s capable of. At times, he feels like a young Edwin Encarnacion who will take a few years to truly find himself, and other times it just feels like we need to move on.

Right Field – Randal Grichuk: The five-year extension he received earlier in the season surprised me, considering his career on-base percentage is .297. He’s a solid defender who will give 20 home runs and 60 rbi each season, which is fine for now, but five years is a long time.

Starting Pitcher – Marcus Stroman: Pretty sure I wrote on this blog two years ago that it was the right time to trade Stroman. But no, the team wanted to milk the fans for every last dollar they could, while living off the nostalgia of the playoff runs with an aging roster. (Their words, not mine). Now, Stroman is about to be traded for prospects.

I get it, and I’ve been all for it for a few years, but I also don’t get it. If he wants to re-sign, why not re-sign him? We have no starting pitching depth walking through that door. Don’t give me the whole, “He’ll be in his thirties by the time this team is back in contention” spiel. Then why not trade him two years ago when I said they should? It just feels like they waited too long and now it makes more sense to keep him.

However, if we can get the kind of return that Tampa Bay got when they traded Chris Archer – Tyler Glasnow and Austin Meadows – you make that trade in 0.1 seconds and don’t second guess it.

Starting Pitcher – Aaron Sanchez: I don’t know what happened to him. He lead the AL in ERA a few years ago and now he’s on the opposite end of that list.

Closer – Ken Giles: I’d love to see us keep him, but he’ll probably get traded as well.

Minor League Shortstop – Bo Bichette: He’s the last of the Guerrero, Biggio, Bichette triumvirate. He’ll be up soon, probably when they move Galvis. Between those three kids and Gurriel Jr., the future is bright. We just need patience and a lot of starting pitching.

Minor League Starting Pitcher – Nate Pearson: He’s just a tower of power of the mound and should be our Ace for the next decade, at least.

The Blue Jays are still in “depth collection” mode, as they should be. Slowly but surely, the young kids of the future are being slotted into their positions around the diamond. It’s not hard to see what the batting order will be two years from now.

I’m never worried about the bullpen because it’s never the same group of guys from month to month, and you can remake it every year.

I am worried about the starting rotation.

Trent Thornton has been good this year, though his ERA and WHIP won’t reflect that.

Maybe Ryan Borucki comes back from his injury and turns into a reliable starter.

Maybe we get some pitching prospects back for Stroman and they turn into something.

Maybe something else (that is good) happens.

It’s just a lot of maybes at the moment, which is fine because it’s a rebuilding season, but also concerning because pitching is kind of important.

Until then, the rebuild carries on, as the Red Sox roll into Boston tonight to hit some balls off of, and over, a really tall green wall.

You may now go back to living in a world where the Blue Jays are no longer on a break.

Merci beaucoup.

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