Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Arie) Ep. 8

Two, four, six, (episode) eight, who’s ready for a hometown date?

Three, five, seven, nine, every two minutes you’ll need some wine.

~ We are down to the Final Four sponsored by, This Space For Rent: Tia, Lauren A-, Kendall, and Becca. Arie will meet their families tonight. Get’cha popcorn ready, kids.

~ Arie can’t believe he went from 29 women down to 4, and that 1 of them is going to be his wife.

~ Hold your geese, Arie. They still have to say “I do”.

~ We start with Kendall’s hometown date – I’ll let you know where they are when Arie tells us how beautiful it is there. Don’t worry, he’ll say it. HE. ALWAYS. SAYS. IT.

~ Arie says that Kendall is not your average girl – she’s interesting, quirky, and curious.

~ He just pulled an old school English class trick on us – list things in threes.

~ When he says “Quirky”, it comes out as “Corky”.

~ We are 1/1 in girls running and jumping into Arie’s arms.

~ Tongue twister of the night: Say “Arie’s Arms” 10 times fast.

~ Oh, they are in Los Angeles. The City of Angles. Right?

~ That was a protractor joke. Laugh!

~ Kendall takes him straight to her taxidermy room. Yes, Kendall! Coming through in the clutch.

~ Kendall thinks of it as having stuffed animals. Arie thinks of it as, “Get me the hell out of here.”

~ “She’s corky.”

~ Drink!

~ “She keeps things interesting.”

~ Drink!

~ I’m starting to think Arie has three words to describe each girl and that’s his way of remembering each one.

~ It’s arts and crafts time! They are going to be mounting rats. I guess that means they’re operating on them? Stuffing them?

~ They’ve each dressed up a rat and are now holding them up as if they’re puppets from Mr. Dressup.

~ Arie’s rat asks Kendall’s rat if she will accept a rose.

~ THE DEAD RATS JUST KISSED.

~ Get them to the fantasy suite already. Where’s Chris Harrison? Have him prepare a shoe box for the ratty couple.

~ I ate too much mashed potatoes at dinner and they’re all coming back up.

~ It’s night time now and Arie tells us “today was incredible”.

~ That’s not what the look on your face said, pal.

~ Time to meet the family!

~ Arie is meeting her mom, dad, younger brother Colton, and twin sister Kylie.

~ A twin sister! Oh, here come the shenanigans.

~ “Thank you for inviting me into your home.” – Arie

~ Did they have a choice?

~ MAY DAY! MAY DAY!

~ We have our first Dad alert of the evening. He was drinking his wine while staring straight at Arie. Eye contact while drinking from a glass is a red flag.

~ “Kendall’s interesting.” – Mom

~ ARIE HAS ALREADY BRAINWASHED THE MOM. DRINK!

~ “It’s a different kind of courtship.” – Dad

~ The Dad hates Arie’s guts and I love it.

~ “Kendall’s not your typical girl.” – Mom

~ The Mom is saying everything Arie has been saying.

~ Kendall and her Mom go off to talk.

~ Kendall tells her that Arie told her today that he’s falling for her. She says this is scary.

~ Arie is talking to the twin sister now and apparently she’s been dissecting his every move since he entered their house.

~ “Every move you make, every breath you take, every litre of water you use when you flush the toilet, I’ll be watching you.” Something like that.

~ Twin Sister claims to have seen some “space” between Arie and Kendall.

~ I don’t know what she’s talking about, Arie is always three feet away from her face.

~ “Our chemistry is amazing.” – Arie

~ Arie is the kinda guy who would make a volcano for his school science project, but it doesn’t do anything when he has to present.

~ Twin Peeks (because she notices everything) is now interrogating her sister.

~ She says she doesn’t feel that there is an undeniable love between Arie and Kendall.

~ Who is she, Harriet the Spy?

~ I dug deep for that reference, I hope it was appreciated.

~ It’s only been two months. But yeah, they’ve never even exchanged a text message and could get engaged in two weeks, so…

~ Arie and the father are now talking.

~ The father is skeptical so Arie tells him that he’s falling for Kendall.

~ That’s the third time in 19 minutes he’s said that.

~ If he’s in the “falling” stage right now, does that mean he’ll be completely on the floor by the time the finale rolls around?

~ Wait, is that why men propose on one knee? Because they’ve completely fallen for a girl? I should make note of this.

~ And then when the guy is down, it’s up to the girl to raise him so they could stand on mountains. Or am I including Josh Groban in this for no reason?

~ Arie says they have potential.

~ Arie, she’s not an 18-year-old college prospect looking to be taken in the first round of the upcoming draft. She’s not Bekah.

~ Father Frown says he wouldn’t give Arie permission to propose to his daughter, though he would support her.

~ Well, there goes her chances. Never mind on that fantasy suite shoe box for the rats, Christopher H. You may go back to rolling up your sleeves and counting roses.

~ Kendall tells Twin Peeks that she’s not ready to be engaged but it could happen at the end of this.

~ My mind is spinning.

~ Don’t they have to eat dinner? Why is everyone dressed so nice inside their own house?

~ Oh right, the cameras and TV show thing.

~ That’s it! The referee is calling for the bell! Arie and Kendall say goodbye to the family and go sit outside.

~ Kendall tells Arie that she’s falling for him.

~ What is this, Ring Around the Rosie?

~ Ashes, ashes, we all fall down!

~ Here we go! We’re off to Weiner, Arkansas for Tia’s hometown date.

~ They slowly run up to each other and he picks her up for a hug.

~ We are 2/2 on the run-pick up-hug sequence.

~ “I’m in Weiner.” – Arie

~ Tia is taking Arie racing on a dirt track. How original.

~ Arie drifts around in the dirt and Tia limps along like a snail on a driveway.

~ Tia warns him that her brother might grill him with questions tonight. Can’t wait!

~ Tia’s family has rolled out the red carpet tonight, and by that I mean they have a platter of pigs in a blanket! Because they’re in Weiner! I get it!

~ “So, like, we went on some crazy dates, Dad, you will freakin’ die.” – Tia

~ Tia’s Dad just called him “Airy” ahahahahahaha

~ They cheers to mini hotdogs.

~ Airy and Brother sit on the back porch and there is a breeze.

~ Tia’s brother looks like he’s dressed up as Stone Cold Steve Austin for Halloween.

~ Stone Cold has done his research on Airy and calls him a playboy.

~ Dang, the things you could find on the internet huh?

~ Airy has the wind taken out of him right now.

~ “I’m falling for your sister.”

~ Drink!

~ Arie has the same canned answers for every hometown date, it’s unbelievable completely believable.

~ Oh no, Stone Cold has softened up. He likes Airy.

~ Father Kenny is talking to Airy now. He mentions he’s read on the internet that he’s a playboy.

~ I’m just picturing Father Kenny and Brother Stone Cold hovering over a computer doing their research. What a sight.

~ Airy denies the playboy rumour.

~ Airy wants his blessing to propose to Tia.

~ “She really digs you.” – Father Kenny just turned into Booker T

~ This show always comes back to wrestling.

~ He gives his blessing.

~ “If you hurt her, I can find you on Google.”

~ And then what? AND THEN WHAT?

~ I don’t know how he did it, but Airy won over the family.

~ Tia tells Airy that she’s in love with him.

~ She’s peaking too soon. We’re still at Final 4! Save something for later, Tia!

~ Quick question as we go to commercial – Which did you enjoy less: Krystal’s unique voice on this show, or Fergie’s rendition of the national anthem at the NBA All-Star Game? Vote now by calling 1-888-IDOLS-08.

~ Don’t actually call that number, I’m just being stupid and reciting an old American Idol phone number. Those things never leave the brain.

~ We are off to Minneapolis, Minnesota – home of many of the kids in the Mighty Duck movies – for Becca’s hometown date.

~ Is there any chance they go rollerblading through the streets with hockey sticks?

~ Autumn is about to vomit all over my television screen.

~ And by “Autumn” I mean the season that comes after Summer.

~ I would’ve called it Fall but with so much falling going on in this episode, I thought it would be overkill.

~ They casually run up to each other and Becca performs the two feet jump into his arms.

~ She sticks the landing on his torso and we are 3/3.

~ Oh look, they’re picking apples. I bet they’ll take pictures of themselves pretending to walk between the trees and then post it on Instagram.

~ Arie is wearing a big winter jacket with fur on the hood. A bit too much. I’m sure Becca can crop him out of the photo.

~ Arie is now sitting in a tree p-i-c-k-i-n-g apples and tossing them down to Becca who is holding a bucket. This is love.

~ Now they are using a slingshot to launch an apple at a target. They hit it and we have a voiceover of Arie saying, “I know I’m falling for Becca”.

~ They just made caramel apples.

~ They’ve done about four things and Arie is convinced she’ll make a great mom.

~ Hey, I was once told I’d make a great Dad but that was after a kid at camp filled his pants and I…never mind.

~ Tia and Arie roll up to her house and the family inside is already skeptical. This is going to be great!

~ This jacket is wearing Arie. Arie is not wearing the jacket.

~ And we’re in the house!

~ Everyone is at the table and no one is eating! What has this show done to these normal, probably hungry, individuals!

~ After Becca’s father passed away, her Uncle Gary took on the father role.

~ Uncle Gary and Arie go have a chat.

~ Meanwhile, Becca is talking to her mom and asks her if she would allow Arie to propose to her.

~ “No.”

~ Well, there we have it.

~ The Mom is now sitting down with Arie.

~ According to them, choosing each other every day is what makes a marriage work.

~ I’m picturing Arie handing out roses to his wife every day for the rest of his life, but Chris Harrison always pops out from under the bed to say, “This is the final rose of the evening, Arie, when you’re ready.” And then the kettle goes off and they have to redo everything.

~ “I’m falling for her.”

~ We’re 3/3 with that statement.

~ Arie is falling for the camera operator at this point.

~ Arie asks for the mom’s blessing. Her mom says she will trust her daughter’s choice.

~ Oh no, Arie has won over this family as well.

~ This whole time I’ve been waiting for him to mess up a conversation with a parent so I can jump in and say, “Arie is poor with parents. Meanwhile, parents love me.” But no, everyone likes him and I can’t compliment myself.

~ This episode is dragging. I just want it to finish so I can watch ice dancing since there’s apparently some crooked judges who are looking to screw over Canada (Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir) tonight. Over my dead body they will!

~ We are off to Virginia Beach for Lauren A-‘s hometown date.

~ If this goes well, she’s getting bumped up to Lauren A.

~ And there it is, the running jump into his arms.

~ 4/4

~ To recap, these two have walked around on a date. They’ve rode (ridden?) bicycles. And now they’re riding horses on a beach.

~ Always in motion.

~ “I think Lauren and I started out pretty slow.” – Arie

~ Well yeah, she was barely on the show until Episode 3, but I singled her out in Episode 1, so take that Arie!

~ They’re eating crab legs on a pier and Lauren tells him to break a leg tonight, and hopefully no one gets crabby.

~ This! I’ve been waiting for the puns for eight episodes. Finally someone with a desperate attempt at humour.

~ Time to meet the parents.

~ From the outside, the house looks like it was built for a television show or movie. It looks like the backside of the Home Alone house.

~ Lauren and Arie are sitting on a couch on the other side of the room from the family.

~ You could put a moat between them.

~ Arie is now speaking Dutch. And the conversation dies!

~ I’ve been waiting for this!

~ Lauren’s Dad asks him if he plays golf. He doesn’t!

~ How are they supposed to bond? Arie, you fool. Lie next time, and then go play 36 holes a day to practise.

~ Arie is leaving the dinner table. He’s uncomfortable.

~ He’s nervous, and on the surface he looks clammy and sweaty.

~ There will be a moat in that living room before we know it.

~ The Father takes him out back to talk.

~ They are bonding over which type of planes they’ve flown. Ah, good save.

~ Arie tells Lauren’s mom that he’s falling in love with her daughter.

~ “Really?” – Mom; Ahahahaha Lauren gets her humour from her mother

~ So Arie has told every family that he’s falling in love with their daughter.

~ How in the world did they gather 29 women and within 2 months, Arie fell in love with 4 of them?

~ Lauren tells her mom, “I’m falling in love with him.”

~ “Really?” – This mom is on top of her “That don’t impress me much” game tonight.

~ The night is over, I don’t know what they served for dinner.

~ Just a reminder, he sent Bekah home because she was too young. She was 22. Lauren A (yeah, she’s gotten bumped up from A-) is 25. Is three years that much of a difference?

~ The girls are returning to the mansion and are greeted by Christopher Harrison.

~ Becca arrives first.

~ Kendall arrives second.

~ Tia rounds out the podium, arriving third.

~ “Welcome back to the mansion.” – Chris

~ Finally, he’s welcoming people to places where he isn’t also a visitor.

~ Though by this point, it should be the Harrison Manor.

~ Lauren A arrives fourth.

~ They’re all in different coloured dresses tonight. I wonder if they coordinated that in a Final Four group chat, or….?

~ Arie arrives last and exits the limo as if he’s never seen the mansion before.

~ He doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. Well, you can’t marry four of them.

~ He tells the girls that this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make in his life.

~ Man, these women must feel great knowing the guy they’re falling in love with is hung up on three other women.

~ Isn’t this what The Jerry Springer Show is for?

~ Arie is breaking down and leaves the Rose Ceremony.

~ Here, I’ll conduct the proceedings for him.

~ Hey, me again. Your boyfriend. I had a great time meeting your families. None of them had an appetite which was a bit concerning, but I can let that slide. There are three roses tonight and four of you, but I found where Chris Harrison hides his stash of roses and now there are four, so let’s get this going before production…catches…oh, they caught me. Back to three.

~ Lauren A. Lauren A, will you accept this rose? *Hug*

~ Tia. Tia, will you accept this rose? *Hug*

~ *Chris Harrison is lowered down from the ceiling in a harness*. Ladies, Paul, this is the final rose this evening. *Chris Harrison is raised back to the rafters*

~ *Cue the dramatic music* *Pan over to a shot of Kendall looking worried* *Overlay audio of her saying their connection is deep* *Cut to a shot of Becca looking worried* *Overlay audio of her saying she can see a future with Arie* *Go back to me, breathing heavily and twirling the rose*

~ Becca. Becca, will you accept this rose? *Hug*

~ Done.

~ See, Arie. It isn’t that hard.

~ In the meantime, Arie has come back in the room and taken Kendall away to talk.

~ Arie is asking Kendall if there’s a chance she can “get there”.

~ He’s basically asking if she will accept a proposal at the end of this. She won’t because she’s normal and knows two months on a TV show doesn’t mean they’ll spend a lifetime together, so why go through the charade of a TV proposal and the ensuing media appearances where she has to look happy and show off a ring that she knows is just a symbol of their time spent on a TV show and not a symbol of their everlasting love.

~ Woah, that was deep.

~ Let’s get this Rose Ceremony on the racetrack!

~ Becca gets the first rose.

~ Lauren A gets the second rose.

~ Here is Chris Harrison! He takes a deep breath, like he’s at a Doctor’s appointment, and reminds everyone there is only one rose left.

~ He gets paid so much.

~ Kendall gets the final rose! I guess I’m the one who should’ve had one last chat with Kendall?

~ Did the pigs in a blanket make him sick? Is that why Tia’s father called him Airy? Because he had a gas leak in their house? And is this why he’s sending her home? He’s embarrassed? He knows he can never go back into that house?

~ I love a good conspiracy theory.

~ Tia asks him what she did wrong. He says she didn’t do anything wrong.

~ “There’s just something missing.” – Arie

~ Tia it’s not you, it’s just the rules of Harrison Manor.

~ Tia goes home, crying in the limo.

The Women Tell All episode is next Sunday and the Final 3 episode is on Monday. I normally don’t do viewing notes for the Tell All episodes, but let’s see if I can be talked into it.

Thanks for reading and don’t forget to choose each other every day.

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A Letter To T

Dear T,

Right off the top, let’s clear the air. Are you, or are you not, related to Mr. T? 

I’ll wait.

Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo DOO, doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, da, da da da, da, da da, dum dum.

That was the Jeopardy music, for those of you playing along at home.

Reveal your answer, T!

“What is no?”

Good question. What is no? 

So I take it, you’re not related to Mr. T. It’s fine. 

Perhaps you want to be referred to as T because you’re from Toronto? You’re not really from Toronto though, right? I say I’m from Toronto too, and so do some other bloggers, but we don’t literally mean Toronto. 

We live around there, the greater area of Toronto, if you will. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Unless you do actually live in Toronto, them I’m winking at and nudging strangers. Wouldn’t be the first time! Ha! Actually, I think it would be the first time.

Except maybe once on the subway. I once had this older man fall asleep on my shoulder. I let him stay there until I had to get off then I sort of nudged him to wake up.

Hey, we all need a pillow and no one likes to be woken up mid-sleep. I did my good deed of the day.

I guess he likes firm pillows because my shoulders are rock hard. Ba dum shhh.

Walking around downtown Toronto is quite the experience. Mainly because there are a lot of people and narrow sidewalks, especially when the Blue Jays play. However, no matter how busy the sidewalks are, strangers always seem to seek me out when they need directions.

I cannot explain it. Maybe I just have a welcoming, non-threatening disposition that people feel comfortable approaching? Might as well call me Paul E. Directions because if it weren’t for me, at least a dozen people would still be lost in Toronto.

Transitioning away from things that start with the letter T, let’s talk about the letter H. You know where this is going.

House warming presents!

Just kidding.

Hippos! 

I might not be the biggest animal person in the world, but I can appreciate other’s affection towards them. Such as yours with Hippos. 

It always brings a smile to my face when you mention Hippos on your blog because I can tell you were probably smiling as you wrote about them. It makes me want to go find a penguin and hug it. 

Are penguins slippery? Should I only hug the penguins that are wearing clothes? What’s the proper etiquette?

Speaking of penguins…funny how this letter transitions into new things so seamlessly eh?

Speaking of penguins, the other day I tweeted about how I was watching an episode of Pingu on YouTube. I thought, “Ah, this tweet will go untouched and sail over everyone’s head, and then in 7 hours I’ll feel embarrassed about it and delete it when no one’s watching.”

But no! You commented on it and restored my faith in Pingu fans worldwide. Or maybe just locally. 

Seriously though, why was Pingu using the stove without parental supervision? And why did he think it was okay to give the townspeople (townspenguins?) popcorn that had been on the ground?

Very questionable life lessons, but hella entertaining.

I just used the word “hella” for the first time on this blog. How’d I do? 

Speaking of doing things…another seamless transition.

Speaking of doing things, you wanted me to tell you about that time I met a pirate queen. Well, okay.

It was a dark and stormy night because that’s when pirates come out to play. I was at Queen Station – you know the place, probably.

All of a sudden the subway stalled and the lights went out and onto the train walked a person in a pirate outfit. They had Polly the Parrot propped on the left shoulder. If it weren’t Halloween, it would’ve been weird.

So the pirate got a phone call and I’m assuming the person they were talking to asked them where they were because the pirate replied with, “I’m in a subway y’ar.”

Get it? Like “Subway car” but they’re a pirate so….ah, you get it.

Then they sat next to me and asked me my name. I said it was Polly, just to mess with them. Their eyes widened and then they said, “Golly, I got a Polly on my left and right shoulder.”

And then the pirate took out some cashews to feed Polly. Do parrots eat cashews? Because the pirate was feeding them to me. Ha!

I named it the Pirate Queen because it was a pirate at Queen station.

End scene.

Well, that was fun.

Fun…happy things…things outside…garden gnomes. Garden Gnomes!

I am killing it with these transitions, let me tell ya!

You told me that garden gnomes are of interest to you. There used to be a garden gnome in my neighbourhood. I always thought it was a year-round version of the scarecrow. I mean, would you trust a garden gnome in front of someone’s house?

Methinks it moves at night like the toys in Toy Story. You don’t just have a silent “G” in your name and not cause mischief.

Speaking of names….you asked me how I got the name Paul.

My parents gave it to me. Apparently, “Thomas” was also in the running but they liked Paul more.

Could you imagine if my name were Thomas? I would be a runaway train with the Thomas the Tank Engine puns. See!

As it is, my name offers up many puns for my disposal. I like my name. In Grade 2, we went around the class and had to clap out the number of syllables in our name.

Everyone had anywhere between 2-4 claps. Then it was my turn to shine.

Paul. One clap. Everyone laughed. It was great.

Well, I must be going now. It’s a cloudy, rainy day and it would be a waste if I don’t go stare out the window and listen to slow music. I’m only half kidding. 

Thank you for reading my blog and being a supporter of all things ridiculous that I write about. It really means a lot.

With one clap,

P

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Dream

I can see the moon from where I rest
It always has a twinkle in its eye
Come talk to me, come talk to me in the night
Tell me the story one more time tonight
It makes me feel good but you won’t know
Because this dream will never leave my pillow

Watch your hand like the ticking of a clock
Somehow, the morning is always out of reach
Come talk to me, come talk to me in the night
I promise to listen, but I might not hear
Never sure which way I have to go
I know this dream will never leave my pillow

There’s a water fight breaking out at 4am
Wait for the storm to pass and clouds to clear
Come talk to me, come talk to me in the night
And tell me who makes the sun shine
So I know where to find the rainbow
But this dream will never leave my pillow

Come talk to me, come talk to me in the night
This time of day makes everything feel alright
But it’s another day with nothing to show
Because this dream will never leave my pillow.

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The Soundtrack of Sport

Yesterday, the radio voice of the Toronto Blue Jays, Jerry Howarth, announced his retirement after 36 seasons with the team. Health issues that have affected his voice in recent years, lead to his decision. Spring Training begins today, without him.

This post is inspired by Jerry Howarth.

I once had a conversation with my mom while I was in high school. I told her that if I ever end up working at a sports radio station, “or something like that”, then I’d be thrilled.

Truthfully, I didn’t know what I wanted to do there. I didn’t want to be on the air. I didn’t want to be behind the scenes. I didn’t actually want to do any work.

I just wanted to be there. I wanted to be the phantom of the opera for sports radio, but in a “Don’t mind me, I’m just observing” sort of way. Does that make sense?

Basically, I wanted to be a fly on the wall or a shadow on the floor.

I never pursued it. Perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy at the time since just a few years prior, I listed “Sports Reporter” as my future career in my elementary school yearbook.

Also, at the time, I was really hooked on just about every sports radio show on The FAN 590.

The Chuck Swirsky Show in the afternoon from 1-4 got me through an entire summer. I sat at my computer and played video games while listening to him on the radio. A cool breeze came in my window.

Nothing could beat that.

Ever since I was a kid, I’d fall asleep listening to sports talk radio at night. It would always be the end of a game, or the post-game show.

There was Andy Frost handling Leafs Talk. It was always a joy when “Mike in Buffalo” called in. He was almost a mythical creature. Hearing those long-time callers phone in each night, made the whole experience feel familiar.

On the baseball side of things, there was, and still is, Mike Wilner. He handles callers better than anyone else because the people who call him are delusional and he’s not.

The best nights were the ones when he’d say, “We’re going to extendo the Jays talk.” The best, I tell you.

When 11PM rolled around, Stormin’ Norm Rumack – The Late Night Vampire – would take over. If I’m not mistaken, his show ran all the way to 5AM. I thought it was ridiculous and incredible, all at the same time.

I thought, how in the world does this guy stay awake that long? When does he sleep?

About a decade later, I had become him. I was the guy staying up until 5AM with ease. I was the one people asked, “When do you sleep?”. I understood.

I haven’t even mentioned the radio voices that actually provided the play-by-play.

There was Eric Smith and Paul Jones calling Toronto Raptors Basketball. Eric Smith would always say, “The Raptors are going right to left in your mind’s eye.” I thought that was the smartest thing he could say.

Because when you listen to a game on the radio, the broadcaster is doing their best to paint a picture in your mind.

I recall a game a few years ago where Smith filled in on TV to call a game. He was describing every little detail and not letting the game breathe. This was how he always called a Raptors game, but for a TV audience, it was too much paint on the canvas.

I’d imagine going from radio to television, or vice versa, is extremely difficult, especially when you’re so accustomed to just one. Of course, there were people complaining on Twitter about his abundance of details because they didn’t know any better.

On the television side, some of my favourite broadcasters come from the hockey world.

Bob Cole.

Bob Cole is the soundtrack of my childhood. There are millions of other people who can say the same thing.

Nothing beat a Saturday night with the Toronto Maple Leafs on the ice and Bob Cole in the broadcast booth with colour analyst, Harry Neale. Absolutely nothing.

The way Bob Cole used his voice to build anticipation and guide the viewer through a rollercoaster of emotions, was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. There was a warmth to it, too.

Bob Cole is 84-years-old and still going. However, he doesn’t call Leaf games anymore, outside of the rare one, here or there. That saddens me, greatly. Nothing against Jim Hughson – I like Jim Hughson – but no one is Bob Cole.

Sticking with the Leafs – there’s Joe Bowen. The voice of the Leafs.

He would provide the play-by-play for television and radio games when I was growing up. And then a few years ago, he was moved to the radio permanently. No more Joe Bowen on TV.

That is a crime, in my books. (Insert story about Rogers owning the broadcast rights to the NHL in Canada).

Joe Bowen is boisterous. He’s enthusiastic. He’s loud. He’s the most excited person in the building. But most of all, he’s one of us. He’s a fan. And they took that away from us on the TV side.

We sat through many bad years, but Bowen was always there to guide us through them. He made sure we were still fans. A few years ago, when he was no longer on TV, and the team was horrendous, I didn’t watch a single game from start to finish. I couldn’t do it.

If you haven’t understood what I’ve been getting at in this entire post, it’s that sports are elevated to a new level when the broadcasters lend their voice to the action in front of them.

They are the soundtrack to their sport.

Some are better than others at capturing the emotion in the building, or stadium, and sending it through a television screen, or radio.

That’s why when Bob Cole does call the rare Leaf game, I text people about it. I’ll even tweet about it. Everyone has to get by their television and listen to Bob Cole until further notice, so help us God.

As a sports fan, I like a familiar voice, especially if it’s one I grew up listening to. Sports are the greatest thing in the world when you’re a kid. You’re innocent to all the drama, trade talks, and general discourse surrounding the team.

When you become an adult, you know too much. You might still love it, but the innocence is gone. You start to notice things you never did before.

Back to familiarity, though.

I grew up listening to Dan Shulman and Buck Martinez calling Blue Jays games on television. The music would hit, the camera would pan across the stadium, and then Dan and Buck would appear on my TV.

Every night, it was like seeing a couple of old friends and inviting them over.

And then in 2001, Shulman left.

In 2002, Martinez became the Manager of the team.

Everything was changing. I don’t like when broadcasters change. You don’t just let strangers into your home. You have to get to know them, first.

So when it was announced that Dan Shulman would be returning to the Blue Jays broadcast booth in 2016 for 30 games, I was overjoyed. Buck Martinez had already come back, and now Shulman was too.

I’m a sucker for nostalgia, if you can’t tell.

Ever been to a sporting event? There’s no commentary. Sure, you get the thrill of sitting next to someone who steals your arm rest, but the whole time – or maybe just me – you’re fully aware that something is missing from your experience.

I miss that voice that tells me what I’m seeing. I miss being led up a mountain of excitement, only to slowly come back down. I miss watching the game with that friend I’ve never met, but who’s voice is always in my house.

Here are some other broadcasters, who I’ve been a fan of for as long as I could remember.

Brian Williams – To the Americans reading this, I’m not talking about your Brian Williams. I’m talking about the Canadian Brian Williams. His Olympic coverage was incredible. No one weaved in and out of a story better than him.

Ron MacLean – The host of Hockey Night in Canada. He was replaced for two years and I think I speak for the entire country when I say that Saturday nights felt foreign to us without him. Again, we like familiarity. Fortunately, he was brought back last year. He is the soul of this country and you’re wrong if you think otherwise.

Steve Armitage – When the CBC was showing CFL games in the late 90s – early 2000s, he’d call the games. That’s when I first became aware of him, at least. He just has one of those voices that must be heard. Long track speed skating at the Olympics is a must-see event because he’s on the call.

Elliotte Friedman – He’s turned into one of the top hockey insiders in Canada, if not the world. I’ve been a fan of his since his days at The Score and the CBC, when he covered the CFL in the summer and NHL in the winter. My “50 Thoughts” segment on this blog was inspired by his “30 Thoughts” column, which has now turned into “31 Thoughts”.

There are many more. Bob McKenzie. Gord Miller. Stephen Brunt. I could go on forever.

I’d like to end this by going back to Jerry Howarth, though.

His long-time partner in the booth was Tom Cheek, who had been with the Blue Jays from Day 1 until his passing in 2005. Cheek was in the booth for 4306 consecutive games (think about that) and will always be the soundtrack behind Joe Carter’s walk-off home run to win the World Series in 1993.

“Touch ’em all Joe! You’ll never hit a bigger home run in your life.”

I’m lucky enough to have grown up listening to Cheek and Howarth. They don’t make broadcaster likes that anymore.

Jerry Howarth started each radio broadcast with, “Hello friends”. Fitting, considering he carved out a friendship with millions of fans. We’re forever grateful for the one-sided conversation. All we had to do was listen.

Sitting in the car, or laying in bed listening to the Blue Jays will never be the same. It’s not because whoever fills his seat isn’t qualified.

It’s because whoever fills his seat won’t be Jerry Howarth.

“Yes sir, there she goes.”

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Arie) Ep. 7

Twelve comes after eleven, it’s episode seven!

~ The circus continues in Italy this week. How long before Arie says it’s beautiful there? Oh, three seconds. He just said it.

~ Arie can’t wait to eat pasta. If my grandparents were watching this, they’d be screaming “Mangia!” at the TV.

~ Hey look, it’s Christopher M. Harrison. He’s wearing a jacket so there is no sleeve update, for now.

~ “Welcome to Tuscany!” – Chris

~ STOP. WELCOMING. THEM. TO. PLACES. WHERE. YOU. ARE. ALSO. A. VISITOR.

~ The last three episodes have all started the same way.

~ Chris says Arie is in a great mood. Is Arie an animal in a zoo? Does this mean they’re allowed to pet him?

~ There is no Rose Ceremony this week. Instead, there are three one-on-one dates and a group date.

~ Nothing says, “I don’t want a future with you” more, than being put on a group date the week before hometown dates.

~ “Almost half of us are going home.” #BachelorMath

~ The girls enter their hotel room and freak out at how nice it is. Again.

~ Becca is going on the first date.

~ “Ciao, Bella” – Arie. Don’t make me break out my Italian lexicon, Arie.

~ Actually, I’m better at speaking Italian than I am writing it. And by that I mean, I know about three sentences and they’re all useless.

~ Arie wants to have a picnic. They went all this way for a picnic? Even Yogi Bear is questioning this.

~ They buy bread from a man who has a table set up outside. Probably because his bakery is too small for a camera crew.

~ I know where this is going. They’re about to make a Paul Christmas Special.

~ A nice crusty panino with either prosciutto, or salami and cheese. That’s my Christmas lunch appetizer while everything else is cooking.

~ Oh look, they’re picking out cold cuts. I’m good.

~ Becca doesn’t want Arie to question whether or not she’s interested in him. Episode 7.

~ They kiss on rocks and dance while holding wine. Now he has her against a wall. This concludes the first half of their date. They know so much about each other.

~ Back at the hotel motel holiday inn, Jacqueline is crying. She liked her date with Arie but had doubts.

~ If you remember, Arie called her too smart for him and made her feel bad that she’s not dumber.

~ Becca tells Arie he will be the first guy she introduces to her family as her boyfriend. Oh this should go well.

~ “This is my boyfriend. He’s been dating 25 women and kissing most of them over the last two months. Oh and he used to race cars but he wasn’t that great at it. Our couple name is Beccarie. Get it? Like bakery, but Beccarie. It’s going to be the social media hashtag for our wedding and everyone will hate it, but no one will say anything.”

~ Arie gives her a rose and tells her he’s falling for her.

~ “He’s coming to Minnesota!” Alright, Tom Brady went to Minnesota and it didn’t work out that well for him, and he’s the best. Let’s cool our jets, Becca.

~ Tom Brady and Arie have the same haircut.

~ Arie says he had doubts about Becca this morning, but eating a Paul Christmas Special helped him get over those doubts.

~ Note: I’ve never called it a “Paul Christmas Special” until just a few minutes ago when I felt the need to make it sound better than just a sandwich.

~ The next date goes to Lauren B+.

~ Newsflash to everyone else: You’re not even his second option. Leave the hotel and befriend a Nonna who will take care of you.

~ Jacqueline goes to visit Arie.

~ Arie answers the door like it’s Halloween.

~ I think Arie’s drunk. He’s pouring more wine. He’s been drinking since the morning.

~ Jacqueline is worried she’s going to end up married to him and not know how it happened.

~ But Jacqueline, you’re the sober one right now!

~ She breaks up with him. He doesn’t seem crushed at all. They kiss a few times, as all couples do when they break up.

~ Grab your bags, Jacqueline! There’s a Nonna waiting for you down the road with a fresh veal on a bun, with peppers. Andiamo!

~ To clarify, Jacqueline is leaving because she thinks Arie is perfect, and she really likes him, but doesn’t think she can marry him.

~ It’s the next day and Arie meets up with Lauren B+.

~ Last week, they walked around in silence. Let’s see what they do now.

~ They are going to ride bikes around town. I see what he did. If the conversation isn’t there, they can get to their destination faster.

~ Friendly reminder that Lauren B+ was my favourite after night one. Never forget that.

~ Oh, now they’re walking around town with ice cream cones.

~ Now they’re eating pizza! Mangia!

~ Arie would be the first guy Lauren introduces to her family.

~ A kid kicks a soccer ball at their table.

~ Thou shalt not mix soccer with pizza! How dare you!

~ Arie and Lauren are now playing soccer with the kids on pavement, with tables around them. I see no nets.

~ You’re not supposed to play sports five seconds after eating! What is this, camp? Shoutout to Sharon.

~ Seinne gets the final one-on-one date. This is her first of the season.

~ For maximum drama, he’ll probably send Seinne home and then give roses to two of the three girls on the group date.

~ The drama is in him leaving one person behind, rather than two. If he left two of them, they could console each other. But this show is ruthless and leaving one person behind will get them the maximum amount of tears.

~ We’ll see how this plays out, but you’ve been warned.

~ Arie and Lauren A- (I’ve improved her initial) are now at dinner, sitting at everyone’s favourite circular table!

~ Arie wants to get to know her better, but asks her if she’s ready to bring him home.

~ Oh no, she said it. She’s starting to fall in love with him. That made Arie sweat. He leaves the table.

~ Dinner for one! Every dinner is a dinner for one when you’re Italian.

~ Arie returns.

~ He assures her nothing is wrong and that he’s just excited to meet her family.

~ For a guy who, on night one, said that excitement makes him excited, that was a weird way to show his excitement.

~ That sentence gave me a headache.

~ I need my Nonna.

~ Another dinner left untouched. IN ITALY. Go back to Fort Lauderdale.

~ Arie and Lauren A- are now kissing by a really big tree, on empty stomachs!

~ You know the phrase, “Wine and Dine”? On this show it’s, “Wine and Whine.”

Boom, roasted.

~ Or, “Wine and More Wine”.

~ Arie and Seinne are now on their date and Arie welcomes her to Tuscany. This has to stop.

~ If you’re in a relationship with someone and go on a trip, are you going to meet them for lunch and say “Welcome to ____!” NO!

~ They are on the hunt for some truffles.

~ Please tell me we’re getting a Nonna on this date.

~ If not a Nonna, I’ll settle for a visual of furniture that is still covered in plastic. Some of you will understand this. The rest of you have no clue what I’m talking about.

~ They meet up with a guy named Giulio, who has two dogs.

~ They’ve been saying”Andiamo” a lot in this episode. That means “Let’s go” in Italian. I know this because my parents have said it to me my whole life, mainly as a joke.

~ Giulio is now digging up truffles in the woods…

~ Well knock me over and call me Truffleupagus, I thought they were going to a bakery.

~ Ah, Giulio invites them over to his house for lunch with his family.

~ THERE IS A NONNA!

~ BUT WHERE IS THE FURNITURE COVERED IN PLASTIC? PLEASE GO TO THEIR BASEMENT!

~ They’re making pasta!

~ I’m having flashbacks to my childhood and using my hands to mix eggs with flour. The developmental years of Chef Paulo.

~ Now they’re making pizza and Arie brags that he used to work at a pizza place.

~ Seinne tells Nonna Helena that they’ve been together for two months.

~ Arie tells the daughters (?) inside that it isn’t love yet with Seinne.

~ Grated cheese! Oh man.

~ Mangia! Mangia!

~ This show really caters to me and my interests.

~ “I can tell she really, really likes me.” – Arie, Age 9

~ Slow your role, Carly Rae Jepsen.

~ Arie is worried that they’re going to fall in love and then be on two different fences.

~ I don’t know much, but I don’t think that’s how love works. This isn’t Home Improvement with Tim Allen.

~ Who got that reference?

~ Seinne says she needed this date to “get there” with him. Lauren A- said the same thing.

~ Wowee, the things people say when hometown dates are next week. It’s almost as if they’re playing a game and know the exact thing to say to get to the next level.

~ Back at Hotel Parmegiano, Bekah is dressed like Rupert Bear!

~ Do you guys know who I’m talking about? Google it. He was in comic strips and a children’s TV show.

~ She’s wearing the same red sweater that Rupert Bear wore.

~ Bekah, Tia, and Kendall are on the final date.

~ Oh no, is he going to leave Bekah behind and allow the producers to create a “Lost child in Italy” vibe?

~ She’s been talking about her odds of getting a rose all episode. Classic editing move. They’re setting up the juxtaposition of her feelings with the reality of the situation. Watch.

~ Hey, I haven’t watched this show since the days of Trista and Ryan (2003), just to not know how the editing works.

~ I’ve been watching this show for 15 years. A moment of silence for me, please.

~ Back to Seinne. Arie is sending her home because he feels like they should be further along.

~ That’s his fault, isn’t it? Episode 7 and she gets her first one-on-one date.

~ Seinne is blindsided, wishes him well, and leaves her food untouched as he walks her to a car.

~ They should just use food props on this show.

~ Back at Hotel Cantina, the other girls are shocked Seinne is gone because everything surprises them.

~ Time for the 3-on-1 date. Two will stay, one will go.

~ “Oh hey there. Ciao, ciao, ciao.” – Arie

~ Is he going to be repeating himself three times for this entire date? He might short-circuit.

~ The women walk up to him slowly. They were more excited to see their hotel room.

~ They are at Villa Royale which is a “perfect place for a date”, says Tia.

~ Why can’t they go somewhere imperfect? No wonder these couples don’t transition well to the real world. Everything is a downgrade.

~ Bekah needs to stop talking about the odds of getting a rose on this date. The editor already has enough footage and we know the odds.

~ YOU GOT NO CHANCE.

~ Boom, roasted.

~ Kendall is worried that her family will question whether they’ll be “at that point” by the time “this” ends.

~ Why do they always feel like it’s a proposal or nothing at the end of this?

~ Tia spends her time by telling Arie that Bekah is on a different page.

~ Page. Books. Follow along, class. School. Magic School Bus.

~ Bam. A Magic School Bus reference, three episodes in a row. #MakeItFour

~ Tia has no doubts. She wants him to grab the mustard, so he can relish his trip to Weiner, Arkansas next week.

~ Tia is now telling Rupert Bear Bekah that she told Arie that Bekah could break his heart because she might not know how she’s feeling since she’s a child.

~ “I feel like a big sister.” – Mama Bear Tia

~ Bekah is crying and her mascara (correct me if I’m wrong) is running so it looks like a black tear streaming down her face.

~ Bam, first beauty reference on this blog ever.

~ Bekah is afraid she’ll lose something she can’t replace and doesn’t want to love someone and have it go to waste. She’s stuck in reverrrrse.

~ Let’s see if lights can guide her home.

~ And if you didn’t pick up on those Coldplay references, I will try to fix you.

~ It never ends.

~ Bekah feels like she just got kicked in the stomach.

~ Bekah is wearing the same kind of shoulderless top that Lauren A- wore on her date.

~ Look at that, beauty and fashion observations within 30 seconds. I might need to rebrand.

~ So now these two are going to spend their time talking about whether Bekah is here for the right reasons or not.

~ What does Arie talk to people about when he first meets them? How does he get to know someone? Because he hasn’t shown off any conversation skills this entire season.

~ Bekah is proving that they’re compatible by showing off her two grey hairs.

~ Well, if this isn’t love…

~ Kendall gets the first rose! Because the battle is between Tia and Bekah and this heightens the drama.

~ Also, as I said last week, Kendall is a direct talker. That’s key on a show like this. Oh, and in life. Yeah.

~ And she collects taxidermy, so you knew they weren’t going to let Arie send her home without accompanying her and filming it.

~ Arie walks Kendall to a car because he likes her so much, that he’d rather spend the evening with two girls he’s unsure about.

~ See, this is why he couldn’t keep Seinne. The drama is in him sending one woman home on a date where there are three of them.

~ It’s the last supper, featuring Tia and Bekah.

~ Topics tonight will include: Age, Wine, and Grey Hairs. Bonus points if all three topics are used in one sentence.

~ “I like your hair, but it doesn’t age like a fine wine.”

~ They are seated for no more than 11.3 seconds and Arie takes Tia away to talk to her.

~ That’s just rude.

~ Now they’re sitting on a bench outside because most conversations on this show happen on a bench.

~ Tia is 26. Bekah is 22. Arie is 37. Tia claims she is more ready for marriage than Bekah.

~ My calculator is getting an error. Something doesn’t add up. And when something doesn’t add up, you must subtract!

~ Kids, that’s not a real math rule. Stick to BEDMAS, listen to your teachers, and look up the answers in the back of your textbook. You’ll have all your homework done in time for the 7PM hockey game.

~ Tia gets the rose! Bekah is going home.

~ Arie never says how he’s feeling on this show. All he does is ask the girls how they are and then kisses them until we go to commercial. So when he sends someone home, it feels so cold and sudden.

~ It’s very Juan Pablo-esque.

~ Oh good, it’s over.

~ We have a Final Four of Becca, Lauren A-, Tia, and Kendall. Tune in next week as February Fever continues.

Get it? Final Four. March Madness. February Fever? Alliteration? I give up.

Next Monday we meet the families and get to hear from the intimidating fathers.

Thanks for reading!

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Alarm

Seasons come and go, you sit by the radio
Finish your coffee, but the bottom doesn’t show
The world is outside the window
Your world is deep within
One day, maybe
One day, maybe, it’ll begin

Where am I supposed to go
And what should I take
Do I bring the things I’ll never need
Or ingredients to bake
I’ll know when I get there, but by then…
It’ll be too late
It’ll be too late

Reading the paper, you soak in all the words
Fill in the crossword, you’re smarter than all the nerds
Be a rain drop among the puddles
But only when you cry
One day, maybe
One day, maybe, it’ll dry

What am I supposed to show
And what am I supposed to tell
Sit around on the carpet and hope it all goes well
If I could only decide which side to hide
And who will see the rest
Then I’ll get some rest
Then I’ll get some rest

When the sun is my watch, what will make it turn
When the moon is my crutch, who will stand next to me
When the water runs out, will my reflection run in
When my mind is made up, what could bring me down
When will that be, when will that be
Because the seasons come and go with an empty chair by the radio
Finish my breakfast, there is no morning joe
Skimming the paper, the words dry up you see
Solving the crossword, I get stuck at number three
But it’s only me, it’s only me.

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

A Letter To Gelene

Dear Gelene,

I’m currently dealing with a minor injury to my right hand, but I shall power through and overcome the pain in order to get this letter out to you!

You’re probably wondering how I injured my hand. I’ll tell you.

I was sitting at my laptop, when all of a sudden my right hand moved and rubbed up against the front edge – the part below the cursor pad. There’s a bit of a lip there because that’s where the laptop opens.

Anyway, I hit the back of my hand against it and it cut me. Just like that, without warning.

The edge of the laptop fled the scene.

There is a small cut on the back of my right hand and a dot of blood that has dried up and won’t go away.

Am I in pain? Well, are giraffes necks long?

No, I’m not in pain. I just like to play it up for the cameras. Disregard that question about giraffes.

So as I write to you in my fragile state – again, playing it up for the cameras – just know that this letter meant a lot to me. It’s my first step in seeking revenge on my laptop for doing such a thing.

I’m not someone who gets hurt. Maybe it’s all the milk I drink. The worst I’ve ever been injured is torn ligaments in two of my fingers, but that was so long ago I can’t even remember which hand it happened to.

I think it was me left hand because the top third of my middle finger and ring finger bend a bit flimsier-ly (new word alert) than the same fingers on the other hand. Not much. It’s not like they’re a doggy door, but they’re bendy.

That being said, it could easily be the same two fingers on the other hand. I can’t remember for certain. 

Anyways, you mentioned that you like the show, Better Caul Saul. I do too. Though I feel like the show hasn’t hit its groove yet. Maybe I’m just anxious for Saul to get into his criminal activities.

I’m bored with the whole storyline about his brother. I just want that to end.

Did you watch Breaking Bad before this show? I did. Many people say it’s the best show they’ve ever seen. I don’t know if I’d say that for me. I mean, it was really good and concise. But I wouldn’t say it’s the best show I’ve ever seen.

Nothing will ever top Scooby-Doo.

I’m kidding. Kinda.

I didn’t watch Breaking Bad until the entire show was finished, so I was essentially binge watching it and not looking up anything about the show between episodes. Maybe I missed out on the experience by doing that.

Currently, I need a new Netflix show to watch. Nothing is jumping out at me. I watch Riverdale and How To Get Away With Murder, but I record those and watch them on TV.

From television to fiction now. You asked me to tell you a story about my neighbour, who keeps leaving donuts at my doorstep.

I’d love to get into a fictional story about this, but it has actually happened to me before! Sorta.

I was living in residence at school in third year and my roommate and I were going to walk across the street to get donuts. It was late at night, we both had long nights ahead. Donuts called our name.

At the same time, I was texting a girl who lived on our floor and told her we were going for donuts. She mentioned she wanted to come too, but we were already gone by the time I got that text. So I asked her if she wanted me to bring her something. She asked for a tea. 

A few days later, I got a knock on my door and answered it. No one was there, but on the ground was a box of six donuts. 

I knew who it was from right away.

The only bad thing about this box of donuts was they were an assortment because “I didn’t know which ones you liked.”

Truth be told, I like two donuts. Chocolate Dip and Hawaiian (the one with sprinkles on top). That’s it. 

Boston can keep their Cream.

Crullers can keep their Honey.

Though push come to shove, I’d eat those as well.

This box didn’t even have them, though! I think there was one with nuts. A strawberry looking flavour. And who knows what else.

Is it bad that I appreciated the gesture, but didn’t like the contents of the box?

“It’s the thought that counts.”

I get that. And I wasn’t even expecting anything in return for the tea.

But being the donutaholic that I was at the time, a small part of me was wishing my favourites in the box. 

And that’s my story.

Lastly, you asked me what the last movie I watched was.

The last movie I watched was The Disaster Artist. I’m not big on movies. I’ve been to the movie theatre exactly twice in the last six years and both of those visits have been within the last five months.

Some people go to movies, I go to sporting events or stay home.

The movie was good. I had read the book that inspired it, and had seen the movie, The Room, which had inspired the book.

I don’t know what the next movie I’ll see is. 

Wait!

I think I lied to you.

I think the last movie I saw was called Table 19 – it’s on Netflix. Anna Kendrick is in it.

Don’t ask me what inspired me to watch it because I have no idea. But I was looking for something to watch one night and it looked interesting and so I thought, “Hey, why not?”

Well, I must be going. I hope this letter has found you well in the Philippines!

With a minor injury,

Paul

Posted in Letters | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Arie) Ep. 6

Hold on to your cinnamon sticks, it’s episode six.

~ They are in Paris this week, which is “the most romantic city around.” Didn’t they say the same thing about Fort Lauderdale last week?

~ We are 46 seconds into this episode and they are getting on another boat. That’s all they do on this show. This boat (ship) is where they are staying while in Paris.

~ I like how every time the women enter their new “home” they act like they’ve never seen furniture before.

~ Chris Harrison and Arie sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i…oh wait, it’s a park bench and they aren’t kissing.

~ Arie just used the word “amazing” and the word “hard” three times each, in the span of 20 seconds. My head just spun 360 degrees.

~ Hey guys, let’s check in on Krystal!

~ “Last week was a very challenging week.”

~ Drink!

~ Christopher has joined the girls on the boat.

~ “Hello…Bonjour! Welcome to Paris!”

~ Oh mon Dieu, Christoph. You don’t own Paris! Stop welcoming them to places where you’re also a visitor.

~ Also, bonjour. Je m’appelle bibliothèque.

~ Chris says things are getting serious now. Episode 6.

~ There will be a group date, two 1-on-1 dates, and a 2-on-1 date.

~ I’m betting one date has to do with baguettes and the other three are on a boat.

~ Lauren B. gets the first date card. She was my favourite on the first night when she had 4 seconds of air time and stood out from the other three Laurens.

~ Since then, she hasn’t done much.

~ Arie picks her up and they’re going on a….a….boat.

~ We’re getting some early foreshadowing for a Bekah vs. Krystal 2-on-1 showdown.

~ Arie is attracted to Lauren but doesn’t know much about her. Episode 6.

~ They are walking around Paris, holding hands, and barely talking to each other.

~ Now they’re on a bench and Arie is trying to figure out if Lauren likes him. What is this, elementary school?

~ “Go find out if my crush likes me.”

~ If there is a concert portion to this date are they going to stand on opposite sides of the room? I secretly hope so.

~ Back on the Bachelor Relation-Ship (I’m here all night, try the veal parmesan) is a group date card. The only three girls not on the card are: Krystal, Kendall, and Jacqueline.

~ Jacqueline looks like Bekah if Bekah had long hair.

~ No wait!

~ Jacqueline looks like Nancy Hawkins from Stranger Things. Good luck unseeing that.

~ Arie and Lauren are at dinner with a square table!

~ This is unprecedented. It’s always been a round table.

~ These people don’t learn anything about each other. They insist on sharing how yesterday was for them, or how the morning portion of their date went.

~ “It was hard for me.” “It was hard for me, too!” “Hey, we have something in common!”

~ Lauren reveals that she was engaged to her ex.

~ “This is the first date of many.” – Arie

~ What part of E P I S O D E  S I X does this guy not understand?

~ Lauren gets a rose. She’s only three years older than Bekah (the “child” of the group), but no one cares!

~ Group date time. Six women on the date.

~ Arie brings them to Moulin Rouge. They enter and start screaming as if it’s a haunted house because, again, they’ve never seen furniture before.

~ “This date is for the women” says Arie, moments after they show burlesque dancers on stage in their thongs.

~ Arie est très stupide and tone deaf.

~ They’re going to be doing a performance on stage.

~ Seinne is a dancer so this is her bread and butter, and pasta to go.

~ There’s an Italian food vibe to these viewing notes tonight, no thanks to this show. I’ll allow it.

~ They’ve all changed into their outfits and take the stage for a solo walk, as Arie stares at them because this date is “for the women.”

~ Oh look, it’s time for the evening portion of the date.

~ Arie tells them the rose tonight is based off his connection.

~ The women take out their cellphones and compare Wi-Fi connections.

~ No, I got it.

~ Ar-Ie connection. Bam.

~ They all seem to be on airplane mode.

~ Tia and Arie kiss. She wipes lipstick off his mouth.

~ Bekah and Arie kiss. She doesn’t wipe his mouth off.

~ Bekah opted for small earrings tonight to make it impossible for Arie to yank them or get four of his fingers caught in them.

~ That’s the most beauty analysis I’ve ever done on this blog. Stay tuned for more?

~ Seinne and Arie kiss. He’s 3/3 so far.

~ He’s giving the group date rose to Bekah, which means she gets to perform on stage with him at Moulin Rouge.

~ Will this count as a high school Art credit for Bekah?

~ Nothing like making five of your girlfriends watch you and your other girlfriend perform on stage. Good one, Arie.

~ Quick Anecdote: When I worked at camp, there was this 6-year-old boy named Arie. He couldn’t say the letter “R”, so he’d pronounce his name as “Aww-we”. It pulled at the heart strings. I’m afraid Bachelor Arie is ruining all the goodwill that “Aww-we” did for the name Arie.

~ Back to the show.

~ “I’ve never been on a date with two women at the same time and it’s going to be awkward.” – Arie

~ He’s forgetting the time he went on a date with 14 women. That wasn’t awkward. That was a mini class field trip.

~ Seat belts, everyone!

~ Oh no, the Magic School Bus theme is creeping back in here.

~ The 2-on-1 date card is there. It’s Krystal vs. Kendall.

~ So we have Kryrie A River vs. Kendrie.

~ He has brought them to a chateau that was built in the 1600s because all he likes are boats and old museums.

~ “I love these old oil painting.” – Arie

~ BUT THEY DON’T, ARIE. THEY. DON’T.

~ Arie has his sleeves rolled up for this date, which is in direct violation of the exclusivity clause in Chris Harrison’s contract.

~ He’s now taking them to a tall maze where they have to find the middle.

~ This has now turned into The Shining. One will live, the other will freeze to death.

~ I’m just glad Arie is getting to know them. I mean, he knows what their hands feel like and he knows the look they give when he tells them boring facts about himself.

~ Surely, he’ll find a wife out of this.

~ There’s nothing more romantic than getting lost in a maze in Paris.

~ Krystal won, while Kendall is back to start.

~ Back from commercial, they are out of the maze and Arie is going to talk to each of them.

~ Krystal just said “challenges” again.

~ Drink!

~ Arie is a close talker. I understand he’s trying to be intimate, but everyone on this show is going to go cross-eyed if they don’t back up a little bit.

~ Krystal apologizes. Krystal kisses. Krystal speaks poorly of Kendall.

~ 65% of the chats on this show take place on a bench.

~ Arie pulls Kendall aside and tells her that Krystal warned him that Kendall isn’t ready for marriage.

~ I’m bored, so I’m going to tell a quick story about the time I went to Quebec.

~ I was in Grade 10. It was a 10-hour bus ride. The bus broke down an hour away from the hotel. We were stranded on the highway for three hours because no one wanted to send us a new bus.

~ We finally got to the hotel at 1AM and they served us the worst pizza I’ve ever scarfed down in my life. It looked like they poured oil, or water, all over it.

~ The following day, we had no bus and were forced to walk the streets of Quebec. It was -30 degrees Celsius.

~ Anyways, we were there for the Quebec Winter Carnival, featuring the one and only Bonhomme – a giant, jolly, snowman who lives in an ice hotel and has a Pepsi logo on his wall.

~ At one point, we were at the Chateau Frontenac and some store owners went up to my teachers and asked if they had seen anyone run by with an inflatable Bonhomme. They had stolen it! Bonhomme on the run! We hadn’t seen anyone. Of all things to steal though.

~ To conclude this story, I must say that tobogganing down an ice track is something I could do all day, every day.

Back to The Bachelor.

~ Kendall is a very direct talker. I like that. Krystal floats on her words and takes three weeks to say nine words.

~ Arie pretends like he’s going to give the rose out, but says he needs more time and will see them at dinner.

~ He’s been saying how awkward this is for him for the last eleventy seven minutes, yet decides to keep it going further.

~ Krystal and Kendall get to the dinner table first and Krystal starts talking to her about their discussion from earlier in the day.

~ Wow. Did I not tell you earlier that all these people do is talk about the first half of the date?

~ At this point, K & K have spent more time with each other than with Arie.

~ Arie arrives and gives yet another terrible toast.

~ Can they put me on this show just to make the toasts?

~ “Cheers to benches, tables, boats, and museums, because without them, I’m not sure where Arie would take you on any dates.” Then I exit stage left after grabbing something off their plates. Hey, they aren’t going to eat it.

~ Arie keeps sipping his wine while Krystal talks.

~ The last time he ate/drank the food in front of him while a girl was talking, he sent them home.

~ That’s his “tell”.

~ He’s tipping pitches like David Price in the 2015 playoffs.

~ The other girls are weighing in on who’s coming back tonight.

~ Bekah: “No one thought Trump was gonna win the election, either, and lookeee here we are.”

~ The youngest person on this show is talking about politics, while using the word “lookeee”. I need to sit down. I am sitting. I just need to sit down…further.

~ Arie gives the rose to Kendall.

~ Na na na na hey hey hey goodbye.

~ “I’m just floored.” – Krystal

~ The girls on the Relation-Ship pop the champagne.

~ Krystal looks like Topanga Lawrence from Boy Meets World.

~ The closing shot of this date is Krystal staring out the window at the Eiffel Tower. Rough.

~ Time for Arie’s date with Nancy Hawkins.

~ Arie rolls up in an antique car, keeping with his image of “older guy who likes even older things”.

~ I don’t think I’ve ever seen these two interact. This should be different.

~ Arie’s car broke down!

~ My story about my bus breaking down on the way to Quebec foreshadowed this, somehow!

~ This is a new high for me. I’m just too good.

~ “Our car broke down and this is kinda like a real life thing.” – Arie

~ He basically just admitted that everything else on this show is fake. Hey, that’s my job!

~ Stay in your lane, Arie!

~ That was a “rules of the road” joke, if you’re keeping score at home.

~ They’re going shopping. Jacqueline says she is so bad at shopping for herself.

~ Arie likes that she’s funny and intelligent. I think he just realized that now. Episode 6.

~ Is Arie funny?

~ “I like you.” “Do you?” “I do.” “Cuz I like you.”

~ Oh good, I was worried this show had left the “elementary school crush” stage. Nope. It’s still alive and well.

~ They are now at a restaurant called Maxims and are given the best table.

~ It’s a table in the middle of an empty dining room. The booths are available and they don’t sit there?

~ No bueno.

~ Arie tells her that early on, he thought she was far too intelligent.

~ Again, he just tells people exactly what they want to hear…

~ She asks him why he wouldn’t gravitate towards someone who is intelligent.

~ “I wouldn’t know how to interest you.”

~ Translation: I like to party. I like, I like to party. I like to party. I like, I like to party.

~ #Vengaboys

~ Jacqueline hasn’t completed her schooling yet. Her Ph.D would take 6 years.

~ Jacqueline is better than this show. She doesn’t need this.

~ Arie is giving her a rose despite telling her that they have contrasting lives.

~ Time for the Rose Ceremony.

~ Chelsea: “I’m here for the love story.”

~ Drink!

~ Lauren B+, Bekah Boop, and Nancy Hawkins already have roses.

~ Tia gets a rose.

~ Seinne gets a rose.

~ Becca gets the final rose.

~ Jenna and Chelsea are going home.

~ The Undertaker Chris Harrison walks in and tells them to say their goodbyes.

~ Oh no, Aww-we going to get another toast from Arie?

See what I did there?

~ We’re down to the Final 6. How did this happen?

~ Arie tells them the next place they’re going to is known for red wine. Bekah can’t control her excitement for some reason.

~ We’re going to Tuscany.

~ “YAAAAAAAAASSSSS”

~ Stop.

~ I’m glad Lauren B+ didn’t react to any of this. Stoic the whole time.

~ Oh what’s this? Lauren is telling a producer behind the scenes that she should be more excited for all of this, but isn’t. Intriguing.

~ Tuscany, Italy….I guess my Italian food comments served a purpose after all.

I’m done.

What are your thoughts on this episode? Who are your favourites?

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

State of the French Fries Address

Full disclosure, this blog post has nothing to do with french fries. Sorry. If you brought ketchup packets to today’s festivities, place them in your back pocket and take a seat.

Did anyone fall for that? Did anyone sit on their ketchup packets? I see some ketchup on the floor. There is red on the floor. Nobody panic. We’ll just tell the next person that walks in that it’s blood. Act scared.

See, right now I’m picturing all of you sitting in front of me. There are about 10 rows of chairs with 10 chairs in each row. Just go with it.

First off, the name of this post is a play on words. “French Fries” is actually “Franchise”. State of the Franchise Address. Sports teams do it.

Still with me?

I’m actually giving a “State of the Blog Address” right now, but I deemed that title to be too boring and too easily understandable. I prefer to complicate things and sway more to the ridiculous side of the scale, whenever I can.

There are some rules to this “address”.

1. At no point shall anyone give me a standing ovation. Just send a cheque in the mail, or an I.O.U. if you can’t afford it. But please, don’t applaud me. We’d be here all day.

2. If you need to excuse yourself, make sure you trip over everyone’s legs in your row on your way out. This is mandatory. We must embarrass you.

3. This room (I’m imagining that we’re in a room and not some open field) is under “Simon Says rules” at all times.

4. If your phone rings, it will be smashed with a hammer and then covered in ketchup.

Do we understand each other? Great! Let’s begin.

All rise.

Ah, I didn’t say Simon Says. All but three of you are out. Okay, we’ll call that a test run.

Simon Says sit down.

No, this is too much power. Fine, we are no longer under Simon Says rules. Breathe easy.

I guess I actually have to start my State of the French Fries Address now. That elaborate ruse was supposed to distract all of you while I try to come up with “smart things” to say.

Hi. I’m Paul. You may know me as, well, Paul.

The Captain’s Speech will be turning 5-years-old in four months. It’s having a birthday party. The same party I had when I turned five. It’ll be in the backyard and feature such party games as: ring toss, hot potato, water balloon toss, bocce, and everyone’s favourite – Simon Says.

And just like my 5th birthday, we’ll have someone film it on VHS. No one will receive a copy. We will not have a screening.

My blog is coming up on a milestone in terms of followers. I hope to get there within the next month. You’ll know when I do because I’ve been planning the post for it in my head for the last two weeks.

As for content on my blog. I have three letters left to write. I think these are the final three. It would bring my total to 40 letters. That’s a nice round number, right? I thought the same thing about 30, but the requests kept coming in.

I don’t know when I’ll finish them, but it could be this week.

I just realized that I hate telling my readers what to look for on my blog in the future. It ruins my element of surprise. Oh well, we’re here now. I’ll just have your memories wiped upon leaving.

After the final letter, there will be a “behind the scenes” post about the letters.

Then I want to get back into doing some fictional posts. Specifically, my Paulo’s Kitchen series with Chef Paulo.

If you don’t know who Chef Paulo is, he’s a chef with his own TV show where he cooks simple items in the most entertaining of ways. He can be a bit cantankerous and likes to take out his frustrations on his camera crew.

What I just explained is all fictional. I write a blog post as if it’s a TV show. You’ll see what I mean. It’s fun. Previous “episodes” of Paulo’s Kitchen are under the Food tab at the top of my blog.

There will also be short stories, maybe. Maybe I’ll create a mystery and drag it out over a few posts, just for fun. There will be no dogs named Scooby. There might be a dog named Ruby though.

That last part about the dogs may or may not be true. It depends if I remember it three months from now. (Unlikely).

I also want to introduce a new idea that I’ve had for over a year, but didn’t want to start as long as I still had my letters to write. I won’t tell you what it is now. I have to decide if I’m 100% sure of it.

Okay fine, you get a little tease.

Actually, no. You don’t. I’m not sold on the entire concept. Just stay tuned.

Beyond that, I have no clue what I’m going to write about, but I’m not worried. I haven’t run out of ideas yet and we’re coming up on five years.

When in doubt, write about writing, right? – The idea all bloggers keep in their back pocket (in addition to ketchup packets).

I really don’t know why I’m fascinated with ketchup packets in back pockets tonight, but c’est la vie.

In conclusion, I shall conclude with a concluding paragraph, the likes of which I haven’t seen since a high school classroom. Again, my name is Paul. You know me as Paul. This is my blog, The Captain’s Speech. Thanks.

I will now open the floor to any questions.

Step up to the microphone, state your name and chocolate bar of choice, and then ask your question.

After the questions, we shall go for an early lunch.

The cafeteria has french fries.

BYOKP

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments

A Letter To Jiya

Dear Jiya,

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. Do you get that in the UK? Wikipedia isn’t being clear, so I’ll explain.

Early in the morning, eager adults with nothing better to do with their time, call a groundhog out of it’s hole for a Grade 3 level science experiment. 

What do they want from the groundhog? They want a weather forecast. Why? Because humans are stupid. Again, science.

If the groundhog sees its shadow, it means we get six more weeks of winter.

If the groundhog doesn’t see its shadow, we get an early spring.

Then the groundhog goes back in its hole and tweets its forecast.

There are many problems with this system.

Here’s the first one: I can’t speak for the US, but in Canada, there are multiple groundhogs doing this, and they’re never on the same page.

Also, isn’t the whole system backwards? If a groundhog sees its shadow, that means its a sunny day. If it’s a sunny day, wouldn’t that signal an early spring rather than six more weeks of winter?

The system is so severely flawed. 

Also, what does “see its shadow” even mean? Does that mean that we, humans, see that the groundhog has a shadow that day?

Or does the groundhog itself, actually have to make eye contact with his own shadow? What if it never looks at the ground because its too busy staring up at the humans and thinking, “You again”?

I don’t get it.

For the record, I didn’t see my shadow yesterday either. And I took that as a sign that I got to go back to sleep for six more weeks. But then I realized I had it backwards because the system is flawed. It actually meant that I’m predicting an early bedtime (work with me here). 

We’ve all given up on meteorologists to tell us the proper weather, but will rely on a groundhog for an accurate forecast. Adults must hate that they can’t blame millennials for this.

Four weeks from now if its an early spring, will anyone mention the groundhog was wrong? No.

Anyway, that’s my rant.

Seriously though, it’s a cute tradition that children probably love.  

Jiya, you asked me what the sugar bowl is in Lemony Snicket’s, Series of Unfortunate Events.

Well, here’s the first unfortunate event: I’ve forgotten almost everything about that series except for the main theme of it. Don’t ask me to explain it, though.

That being said, everyone knows what the sugar bowl is. Ev-ery-one.

It is a bowl of sugar. A big bowl. Like a mixing bowl. With a lot of sugar. And there’s a teaspoon sitting next to it. So whenever someone needs sugar, they just go get some. 

Unbeknownst to anyone, there is a hidden message at the bottom of the bowl.

It says, “Refill Me”.

What, were you thinking it was some secret message? Or a clue? No. Let’s move on from sugar bowls before I get a sugar rush.

You also wanted to know what inspires me, or interests me.

I don’t know what inspires me, exactly. I know it’s not money.

Let me ponder.

Done pondering.

I’m inspired by the mere possibility that I am capable of doing something that no one else is doing. Does that make sense?

I’m inspired to do things that aren’t a trend, because being the same as everyone else would bore me to death.

As for my interests, they’re all over the place.

I could bounce around from talking about sports, to talking about The Bachelor, to talking about fast food french fries, to doing Sudokus, to talking about professional wrestling, to napping, to listening to music, to blogging, to going on a road trip, to eating pasta.

No matter what I do though, I’ll always be seen as “the sports guy” so, that’s my reputation.

That’s why I enjoy writing about a bunch of different things. I enjoy the initial shock I receive from people.

Again, that goes back to what inspires me. Doing things that no one else is doing. Doing things that people don’t expect from me.

Speaking of food…. 

In the blogging world, we call that a sudden segue. 

Speaking of food, there is pasta in the kitchen calling my name. It’s raw, though. So I have to go make it. 

I hope this letter found you well and a groundhog didn’t come out of its hole and steal it from your mailbox. If it did though, I want to say something to the groundhog.

Dear Groundhog,

Stop hogging the ground.

Paul

P.S. May I join you?

And with that, this letter is officially complete.

Adios, Jiya.

Without a shadow,

Paulhog

Posted in Letters | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments