Bonjour and hello! This is Chef Paulo coming to you live from my kitchen for the first time since this day, last year. They shut down my Paulo’s Kitchen studio, fired my staff, took away my sponsors, and said we were on “hate us” which they incorrectly spell as “hiatus”.
But here Paulo is – back on his feet, walking to the kitchen, ready to open the fridge and every cabinet just to see if anything moved. You can never be too sure. Toy Story was an eyeopener.
Today, Chef Paulo will become Professor Paulo. There will be no cooking, only teaching. Because, you see, Paulo has a gift of knowledge and if Paulo doesn’t share this knowledge, it goes stale.
Do you know what happens when knowledge goes stale? It starts to smell. That is where body odour comes from. So, here I am, Professor Paulo, deodorizing my brain.
I will list some foods and tell you about them. Okay? Is that okay? Okay. Think of it as a closer look, but not too close. If you get too close to food, you’ll get your nose in it.
We don’t want risotto up the nostro, now do we?
Okay, here we go. I have done some research in order to understand food better. Here are my food findings. Notice how I put them in alphabet soup order. So clever.
Some of you may have a Macintosh computer. Did you know they were going to call it Granny Smith, but someone said that would be agist? True story. Paulo wouldn’t lie.
The food of the goats. The baaaaaaaanana ooh nana. There are multiple songs about it, too. Goats sing it at karaoke.
Have a case of the coughs? Have some coffee and you’ll be cleared up before you get to the letter “E” in the alphabet soup. Trust Dr. Professor Chef Paulo.
The best type of nut. Some people say almond. Not Paulo! Almond is just short for Almonday. It’s a trick. No one likes Mondays!
Ah yes, egg rolls are very popular at Easter. Beware the ones that are painted, though. It means a child did it at school. Therefore, they are counterfeit. Don’t trust it, Paulo knows.
It’s in that Christmas song. People always say I sing the song wrong, but I think it’s just right. “So bring us our figgy pudding, we won’t leave ’till we get some!” Must’ve been a potluck!
You didn’t hear this from Paulo, but when you lose your appetite, the gingerbread man puts a cookie under your pillow when you’re asleep. I think he’s in cahoots with the tooth fairy.
Always a “but” with this one. It’s time they take some accountability, just for the halibut.
I scream. You scream. I scream again. You ask me why I’m screaming. I say it’s because you screamed. You say you screamed because I screamed. It just melts my brain.
They’re not mine. They’re not yours. They’re Jimmy’s! Trust Paulo, I know.
My friend said, “Do you want to catch up?” I said, “No, I don’t have any french fries.”
Never trust them. Chef Paulo has heard about The Sopranos. You don’t want to get caught with your hand in the tomato sauce pot when it comes to that lobster family. Too much crime.
This is a good word to say if you need to exercise your tongue. Try it at home. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Very good. Further research needs to be done when it comes to the phrase, “You can stand under my mozzarella ella ella eh.” Uh no. You can’t. My cheese.
Don’t pick your nose, kids. It’s not a happy meal.
Once Baked Potato
You put it in the oven. You bake it. You take it out. You eat it. We don’t double dip this potato in the oven. We do it once.
In some parts of the world, it’s known as a Kilogram Cake.
In some parts of the world, it’s known as a Quarter Kilogrammer. McDonald’s knows how to cater to each market.
You know what you find at the end of a rainbow trout? Not gold. Trust Paulo on this one. Don’t touch it.
You know how a horse gallops? Well, when fishes swim really fast, they’re scalloping. I may or may not have interviewed Nemo about this before he scalloped away.
Twice Baked Potato
You put it in the oven. You bake it. You take it out. You do the okie dokie and turn yourself around. You put it back in the oven. You take it out. All done! So undercooked, you baked it twice! Good for you.
These things are a trick and a treat. I must not say more. The scaresquirrels are listening.
The older you get, the more you use vinegar to clean. It’s a scientific fact. You start waking up with aches and pains and a desire to use vinegar on the floors. Trust Paulo, he knows.
No one ever tells you why you should never eat shredded wheat. They just say it and then start pointing in different directions to cause a distraction. Paulo is onto them. No more direction distractions until we get to the bottom of this!
Xtra Bread For The Table?
Who says no? Nobody says no.
When you tell a joke that involves eggs, the punchline is: “Yolk’s on the pan!” Immediate laughs. It’s what the kids in 2003 called, “Funny because it’s true.” You’ll see.
Let me give you a tip, okay? When you go to the zoo, wear cargo shorts. That way, you will have somewhere to put your keys. They’ll always be by your knee. All you have to remember is the word, “Zucchini”. Zoo. Key. Knee. Never fails.
Well, would you look at that, we’ve finished our alphabet soup!
This has been a treat, as opposed to a trick. Again, let’s keep our voices down. Those darn scaresquirrels are always eavestroughing.
I hope you learned a thing or two today about food. My knowledge is now your knowledge and it’s as they always say, “Knowledge is our.” We both own it now.
I have been Chef Paulo and you have been my captive audience. Hopefully, we can do this again in the future – maybe even whip up a meal.
Paulo misses his live studio audience and freebies from sponsors. I need another another keychain.
But for now, I say thank you, goodnight, and remember – the bread is not going to butter itself!