The Complete Picture

I remember my first day of kindergarten. The morning bell rang, I tripped over a hula hoop, and started to cry. Before I knew it, I had two big square bandages on both my knees.

I remember my first day of high school. I brought a pencil case to gym class and was late for third period English.

I remember my first day of university. There was a residence-wide barbecue organized for dinner and I sat at a picnic with two people I had just met, eating a burger with a side salad that had cucumbers I didn’t really want but still ate, and a half dozen bees doing figure eights around the table.

I remember the day I started this blog. It was June 23, 2013. Five years ago, today. I didn’t know what I was doing, but something inside me said I had to do it.

I had just graduated from university. They were the best four years of my life. They were the happiest years of my life.

And if I’m being honest with you, these last five years haven’t been as happy. To be fair, the bar was sky high.

They’ve been hard and challenging, and just when I think I’ve erased all the question marks, the whiteout peels off and there they are again.

I’ll think back to the person I was in university and wonder where that guy went. Did I leave him behind? Did he take off on me? Why do I feel so different?

At the same time, I feel as though the last five years haven’t even happened.

Sometimes I think I’m reading the calendar wrong, or if I just squint a little harder at the clock in the distance, it’ll show me the right time. Heck, before I started writing this post, I counted on my fingers, just to make sure that it has been five years.

While these last few years have felt like collecting puzzle pieces in a maze, I know I can always turn to this blog and put the pieces of myself together to find the complete picture.

Don’t get me wrong, writing isn’t always easy, but my stats page tells me I’ve written 603,084 words since I started this blog, so…yeah. That’s just an overwhelming number.

Three months into this blog’s existence, I gave up on trying to maintain a facade. Every post felt like a school essay, with little emotion behind anything.

I didn’t start this blog thinking I was going to tell strangers on the internet that I miss school, or that I watch The Bachelor, or that I love professional wrestling. I never thought I’d share poetry – I didn’t even know I could write poetry.

With every post I wrote, sharing exactly how I felt became second nature to me.

People aren’t as judgmental as we deem them to be in our own mind. In reality, I think we’re all just looking for someone to relate to. Someone who says the things we’re thinking, so we know we’re not alone.

That’s what I’ve tried to do here. I’ve put my words out there in case someone else can relate to them.

We’re drawn to passion. We’re drawn to words that make us feel something. We’ve all read too many textbooks that put us to sleep because there is no oomph behind the words.

Other bloggers inspire me all the time, and all they’re doing is talking about things they’re passionate about. When in doubt, write about what you love, right?

The reason I started this post by listing off my first day of school memories is because those days felt like the start of a new era in my life. Starting this blog also felt like the beginning of a new era.

In many ways, it also felt like I was enrolling in an online school that didn’t have a specific end date.

In this “online school” we call blogging, we are all teachers and we are all students.

You can learn so much about someone just by the way they write. What they say becomes secondary to how they say it.

I say pop, you say soda.

I put a “u” in favourite, you might not.

I say Grade 6, you may say 6th Grade, or 6th Year, or something completely different.

We’re all saying the same thing, but we all live somewhere else and that’s reflected in our diction.

The milk in my fridge right now is sitting in a bag. To most of you reading this, you’re wondering what the hell that means. But to me, it’s perfectly normal.

Small things like that reveal of our culture and way of life. Scour through the blogs you follow and you’ll learn so much about the countries around the world.

Like I said, this kind of education has no specific end date. It ends when you don’t want to blog anymore.

I’ve seen so many bloggers come and go in the last five years. On one hand, it’s sad because there were some really entertaining blogs that are now collecting dust. On the other hand, I’m grateful for crossing paths with them.

I don’t know when the last day of this blog will be. I can’t see it being any time soon. However, I imagine there will be a final day.

And when that day comes, I hope every post I’ve ever written will act as a puzzle piece of my life, so when you put them all together, you get the complete picture.

Thank you all so very much.

Paul, The Captain’s Speech

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50 Thoughts: 2018 NHL Draft

The first 31 thoughts will follow the draft order and pertain to the team picking at each position. Thoughts 32-50 won’t follow the draft order and will be about anything. 

1. It’s no secret that Buffalo is taking Rasmus Dahlin. He’ll probably be a Leaf killer for years to come, but jokes on them, the Leafs rarely win in Buffalo anyway, so ha! Take that Buffalo!

2. Based on mock drafts, Carolina is taking Andrei Svechnikov. I know nothing about him.

3. The Montreal Canadiens need a centre more than I need oxygen to breathe, yet they fall in love with undersized wingers who are all the same. If they don’t take Jesperi Kotkaniemi here, I’ll be laughing for a long time.

4. Oh, Ottawa. Lovely city, great people, an arena in the middle of nowhere. I feel like they want Brady Tkachuk. That would be cool.

5. Eventually all of Arizona’s high draft picks will give them a good team, right? They could use a defenceman here.

6. It feels eerie seeing Detroit this high in the draft. They’ll make a smart pick because they’re a smart organization.

7. In a perfect world, I think Vancouver would want Tkachuk to still be there at 7. That would create the rivalry with his brother Matthew in Calgary. Personally, I’m all in on the Tkachuk boys. Love everything about them.

8. Another eerie sight seeing Chicago this high in the draft. What do they need? Maybe a defenceman. Seabrook and Keith aren’t going to be around forever.

9. The New York Rangers need to go in full rebuild mode and stay the course. None of this signing free agents to large contracts nonsense. It won’t work.

10. Apparently, the Edmonton Oilers want to trade this pick for a “quality defenceman”. Ahahahaha. I do not trust Peter Chiarelli as a GM. In his career, he’s traded Tyler Seguin and Taylor Hall, who won the Hart trophy this year. There are no words. Just laughter.

11. Lou Lamoriello has turned the New York Islanders into a respectable franchise in about one month on the job. They could probably make a TLC show out of this. They’re putting on an all-out blitz to keep John Tavares this summer.

12. The Islanders are on the clock again. Do they trade one of these picks for a goalie? Who’s available? Philipp Grubauer? That’s a huge risk.

13. Next up is Dallas. They’re hosting the draft so don’t be surprised if they try to be extra busy. Maybe they’ll trade down a few spots and pick up an additional pick.

14. Philadelphia is next. I don’t know what to say about them. They need goaltending, but goalies don’t get picked 14th overall. It’s either in the Top 5 or the later rounds.

15. The Florida Panthers need to put butts in seats. Adding another defenceman to pair with Aaron Ekblad might be in the cards here.

16. I used to own a Colorado Avalanche jacket when I was a kid. I loved it. I also have a mini stick somewhere with the Avalanche logo. Additionally, I fell asleep the night they won the Stanley Cup in 2001 because it was late. I have a soft spot for that franchise. Hope they do well.

17. The New Jersey Devils need to find secondary scoring to help Taylor Hall.

18. Columbus is building a strong defense core. They could probably use this pick on a forward.

19. Philadelphia again. Still need a goalie. What if they bundle the 14th & 19th picks and trade into the top 6? Or what if they traded for Grubauer?

20. When I think of the LA Kings, I think of a heavy team. One that just leans on you and wears you down. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get a big player here.

21. Since the year 2000, San Jose has selected a forward with their first selection in all but four drafts.

22. Ottawa again. Lovely city, great people…I’ve said this already. Their franchise is a mess. This draft is important for them in selling hope.

23. Quack, quack, quack, quack….can you tell this is Anaheim’s pick? Their forwards are getting older, a forward is probably the best bet here.

24. Minnesota doesn’t really have a star player. I don’t know if they’re going to get one here, but they can try, I suppose.

25. If my math is correct, the Toronto Maple Leafs will be making this pick around 9:10-9:15pm ET. Plan your washroom and snack breaks accordingly. I don’t know what they do here. The mock draft I’m looking at says we should take Alexander Alexeyev. I like the name. Sold.

26. It’s the New York Rangers again. They also have the 28th pick. Do they trade one?

27. Chicago with another pick. They’re used to selecting in the late first round, they should have no problem finding a diamond in the rough.

28. It’s the New York Rangers again. This has been a recording. Inbox is full. Please clear messages.

29. I don’t know what St. Louis does here, but I’m going to guess they draft a player from the WHL. The mock draft I’m looking at has them picking a kid from Niagara in the OHL. I’m cool with that. I was one number off from winning the 50/50 prize at one of their playoff games in 2013. Niagara has a special place in my heart, but not my bank account.

30. Detroit again. Wow, many teams have multiple picks. This is the Vegas pick they acquired in the Tatar trade.

31. Washington ends the first round. Will Ovechkin stumble on stage in a drunken stupor and announce the wrong player?

32. It bothers me how the players always sit in the aisle seat and then when they get picked, they go down the row to give hugs, but then they have to go back down the row to get out. All the while, they’re bumping knees and causing a disturbance. Why can’t they just sit in the middle of the row, that way they can give hugs while exiting to the aisle. I know, I’m brilliant.

33. People always boo Gary Bettman, but I’m starting to feel bad for the guy. He’s just representing the owners. That’s all. He’s just a patsy.

34. I realized tonight that Mike Babcock sounds like Paul McCartney. I’ll say no more.

35. “I have a trade to announce” are the best six words in sports.

36. Montreal is a mess. Why does their front office keep allowing their GM to make such crazy moves? None of them make sense.

37. I’ve always been jealous of the kids at the draft who walk around wearing the team jersey and hat, and accompany the management team on stage to take a picture with the draft pick.

38. Unlike the NBA Draft, reporters don’t feel the need to spoil every pick two minutes before it’s announced. Thank goodness. I like the suspense.

39. I think some teams are going to unveil new jerseys during the draft tomorrow. That should be fun.

40. If the Oilers trade their 10th pick, I’m going to fall off my couch.

41. If Phil Kessel gets traded, I’m going to fall off my couch and do donuts on the ground.

42. If Erik Karlsson gets traded to Las Vegas, I’m going to fall of my couch, do donuts on the ground, and then…uh…get back on the couch.

43. There’s no way Karlsson is back in Ottawa next year. There can’t be. That team is not finishing ahead of the Leafs, Bruins, and Lightning for a playoff spot in the Atlantic Division for the next 2-3 years.

44. “Congratulations! Can you put into words what this moment means to you?” – Get ready to here this 31 times.

45. Every team should have entrance music as they walk up to the podium.

46. At the NBA Draft, half the players showed up without wearing socks and their pants ended at their shins. I’m setting the over/under at 1.5 NHL prospects dressing like that.

47. I really hope Dallas went cheesy with slogans around the arena like, “Meet the future Stars of the NHL.”

48. What team will be the first to not congratulate the Stanley Cup winner or thank the city of Dallas for its hospitality?

49. It looks like Brian Burke will be on Sportsnet’s coverage of the draft tomorrow. I wish he was on the draft floor. He likes big moves. (See: Sedin Heist circa 1999)

50. Get’cha popcorn ready.

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50 Thoughts: 2018 NBA Draft

I love the NBA Draft. It’s so much fun. I did this for last year’s draft, it’s the only way to focus my thoughts. Enjoy.

The first 30 thoughts will follow the draft order and pertain to the team picking at each position. Thoughts 31-50 won’t follow the draft order and will be about anything. 

1. Phoenix is taking Deandre Ayton. He went to Arizona. The fans know him. If he can turn into an All-Star calibre centre for them, he and Devin Booker will be a great tandem for years.

2. God bless the Sacramento Kings. They make draft night so much fun. They can’t mess up the second pick, right? They won’t take Luka Doncic because they’re a team that likes to draft college players with hype. Since 1997, they’ve only drafted 3 players that didn’t go to an American college/university. Boom, research. Marvin Bagley fits the description.

3. The Atlanta Hawks have apparently made Dennis Schroder available, which means they’ll need a point guard to replace him. If they don’t take Luka Doncic or trade down to get someone else, I’ll be more confused than when they changed their logo to the Target logo.

4. Memphis has a bland team. That’s the first word that comes to mind. They need some spice. Some chutzpah. Though I can see them trading the pick and including Parson’s contract in the deal. What a mess.

5. Dallas wants Doncic, reportedly. Do they trade up? Do they hope he falls? I don’t know, but hook up this draft drama to my veins.

6. I’m sorry, but I’d hate to be drafted to the Orlando Magic. Whoever goes here is going to have the weight of the Disneyworld on their shoulders. Good luck.

7. I feel like the Chicago Bulls go with a big man and take Mo Bamba if he’s available. But don’t they also like trading picks on draft night?

8. I have no clue what Cleveland does. I think LeBron is gone no matter what, so they might as well keep the pick.

9. God bless the New York Knicks. They are the spouse of the Sacramento Kings on draft night. I want to say that Trae Young feels like a Knick pick, but they go off the board so much. There’s an 80% chance the fans boo their selection.

10. Whoever the 76ers pick better not have a burner account.

11. Charlotte should take a point guard and let Kemba Walker go somewhere else. Clear house, take the light bulbs, start over.

12. The Clippers also have the 13th pick. I feel like one of these picks might get traded. Toronto, perhaps?

13. Deep down I want the Clippers to take Mikal Bridges and Miles Bridges, so it’s like the time the Vancouver Canucks took the Sedin twins back to back. However, Mikal and Miles aren’t related, but still, the last names provide all the glory and puns. Two Bridges too far?

14. I don’t know what Denver does. Hope their pick likes high altitude.

15. The Wizards need a front court player.

16. This is the guard heavy part of the first round, Phoenix will take one, right?

17. Milwaukee is going to pick a guy with a really long wingspan because they’re trying to build a team that can reach the concession stands from the court, when everyone is connected.

18. I don’t know what “Don’t cry for me, Argentina” means exactly, but I feel like it fits the San Antonio Spurs current situation perfectly.

19. The Atlanta Hawks again! They need talent. They’re not in a position to draft for need, go get the best player available.

20. Does it really matter who Minnesota picks? Coach Thibodeau rides his starters like their horses going for the Triple Crown. Their rookie won’t get any minutes.

21. Utah probably takes a shooter here. Dare they go for Grayson Allen? I don’t envision the teams ahead of them taking Allen. Minnesota would be forced to play him, the Hawks have no one to compliment him with, the Spurs are too high class, he’s not long enough for Milwaukee, etc.

22. Chicago is on the clock again. What if they trade this pick for two other lower picks in the draft?

23. Indiana could use a shooting guard or small forward.

24. How long are the Blazers going to go with Lillard and McCollum as their stars before realizing they just don’t have enough.

25. The Lakers are up. Does this pick matter for them? They’re probably getting LeBron, another superstar, and then Kawhi next summer.

26. Do the 76ers trade this pick away so they don’t have another guaranteed contract on the books? Or do they draft a European and stash him over there for a few years?

27. The Boston Celtics will either package this pick with a player in order to move into the top 10, or they’ll draft another scrappy player who can defend.

28. The Golden State Warriors don’t care about the draft, come on.

29. Brooklyn needs so much help, I don’t know what the 29th pick will do for them. But hey, they acquired Dwight Howard the other day, so let’s party like it’s 2008!

30. The Atlanta Hawks are on the clock for the third time in the first round. If they trade Schroder, they may have more than 3 picks. For their sake, I hope they get a good haul.

31. The Toronto Raptors want to move into a lottery position to draft Shai Gilgeous-Alexander. He’s a point guard out of Kentucky and is also from Hamilton, Ontario.

32. Do the Raptors get one of the Clippers’ picks? Who would the Clippers want? The DeRozan connection with LA and new Assistant Coach Rex Kalamian is strong, but I don’t think he’s worth just the 12th pick. There would have to be way more and the Clippers don’t have desirable assets.

33. I’m hoping the Kings acquire another first round pick, somehow.

34. I like the little noise that plays when the commissioner is announcing the picks.

35. I’m going to try and stay off Twitter during the draft. There’s always someone announcing the picks 2 minutes before they’re announced on TV. Ruins the whole draft.

36. At the same time, I’m unable to read any trade rumours. Darn reporters.

37. The Raptors don’t have a pick in this draft, but they probably have a few guys lined up to sign as undrafted free agents as soon as it ends, like they did with Fred VanVleet.

38. So if the Raptors trade into the draft, it’s first round or bust. No need for a second round pick.

39. I kinda like that the NBA Draft never moves around from city to city anymore. It was in New York for awhile, now it’s in Brooklyn. The draft wouldn’t be fun in front of fans with winning teams.

40. Every guy taken in the first round will be talked up as a great prospect. A lot of them will be a bust in less than two years.

41. I’m always nervous for the teams that have multiple picks in the first round. I feel like that gives them freedom to take at least one gamble, and then they flop on both picks. (This theory is based on no research).

42. I miss the days when the players all wore tan suits that were 16 sizes too big for them. I’m specifically talking about the 1998 Draft they show on NBA TV around this time every year. So much tan.

43. I know David Stern retired, but can he come back just to announce the picks? He had great comedic timing.

44. Jalen Brunson is in the draft. His dad, Rick, played for the Raptors for 10 minutes. Literally, 10 minutes. Look at the stats.

45. Gary Trent Jr. is in the draft. His dad, Gary, played for the Raptors for 355 minutes. Literally, 355 minutes. Look at the stats.

46. Orlando won 25 games last season and are picking 6th. Two or three fewer wins and they’re in the top 3.

47. Are the Spurs planning to trade Kawhi today and none of us are expecting it to happen this quick?

48. The Magic should trade picks 35 & 41 for a first round pick in the 20s.

49. Some players won’t be in attendance and ESPN will interview them via Skype or FaceTime and family members will be on their phones in the background, waving at the camera. You watch.

50. I want trades. I want surprising picks. I want players to fall in the draft. I want the Raptors to do something. I want to laugh at, not with, the Kings.

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The Nick Nurse Is In

It’s been a week since the Toronto Raptors named Nick Nurse the 9th Head Coach in franchise history. Where did he come from? One seat over on the bench. He’s been an assistant with the Raptors since 2013.

When the Raptors fired Dwane Casey, I came on this blog and said this about Nick Nurse being a possible replacement:

My only reservation about that is it wouldn’t be that much of a change from Casey, at which point I would wonder, why not just keep Casey?

Fair opinion, at the time.

But then the Raptors hired Nurse and I started thinking about it some more.

I liked Casey and want him to do well in Detroit, but I realize something had to change in Toronto. And sure, he won the Coach of the Year award, which was voted on by his peers.

By the way, that’s not the NBA Coach of the Year award – that one is awarded next week.

But just because you win the spelling bee, doesn’t mean you write the best stories. Get what I’m saying? The coach of the year is rarely the one winning the championship in the same year.

So I’m glad the Raptors didn’t feel like they had to handcuff themselves to Casey, just because he won the award.

Is it fair? Definitely not. Could they have made a mistake? Define “mistake”.

Before Nurse was hired, I thought he wouldn’t be that different from Casey. My opinion has evolved on this.

Think back to any job you’ve ever had, preferably one where you were a subordinate. If the person you reported to got fired, and you were given their position, would you be the same leader as them?

I don’t think so. I wouldn’t be. They could be a template for the job, but we all bring our own philosophies and ideas with us. If we were going to be like the former boss, they would’ve just kept the former boss.

Based on the things Nurse has been saying, I think he’s going to be a lot more creative with our defence. Last year, it was like our players knew they weren’t good at defending so they just hoped the opposing player would miss the shot.

I don’t know if that’s coaching, hustle, or a personnel problem, but when OG Anunoby (a 20-year-old) is your best defender, and the only one who doesn’t look scared when LeBron walks in the room, something is very wrong.

Nurse has already said he wants to run more plays through Kyle Lowry, which I think is great. Last season felt like we were protecting Lowry as much as possible. Other guys were bringing the ball up the floor and he would rest in the corner on offence. I don’t know what was up with that.

Maybe because he was our best three point shooter, having him off the ball would be best for his skill set? Alright. Then that’s on the front office to go out and get more three point shooters, so Lowry can go back to being the quarterback of the team.

Stop running the wildcat and let Lowry control the game.

Alvin Williams played with Vince Carter, but Williams was the floor general. I remember going to the store and wanting a Williams jersey, but they didn’t have any because they don’t think anyone is interested in anyone other than the superstars, so I got Carter instead. That’s a true story. Now I have two Vince Carter jerseys.

I even told my mom if we ordered the jersey, make sure it says “A. Williams” on the back because Jerome Williams was also one the team.

Nick Nurse seems like a forward thinker – a guy who wants to be where the game is going, before everyone else arrives. I like that.

I think his relationship with the players makes this transition easier. The players aren’t going to show up on the first day of school and wonder who the new teacher is, or how many buttons they can press before being reprimanded.

It may sound like I’m talking myself into this hiring, and maybe I am a little bit, but I’m happy with it and am willing to give him a chance.

Also, my mom loves the name Nick Nurse. I think this is the first Raptors Head Coach she knows the name of.

It reminds her of something Joe Bowen – the Leafs play-by-play guy – said at the end of a playoff overtime game in the early 2000s (it went until 1AM – I remember this because I thought it was so cool I was up that late).

“Goodnight, nurse.” That was Bowen’s call when the game ended. But it sounded like, “Good. Night. Nurse.” I wish broadcasters said it more. I say it a few times a month.

Anyway, so many people have already written Nurse off as Casey 2.0 and are wondering what the point is.

Others are just giving opinions for no reason. I read the comments under one article and one person said something along the lines of, “Never heard of the guy. I’m more into real basketball, like the NCAA and CIS.”

So then why did you comment? I don’t understand why 98% of the people on the internet press send.

Nick Nurse aside, the roster needs help.

There was a rumour that the Raptors are trying to trade their way into the Draft lottery tonight to draft point guard, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander. That’s interesting to me because point guard is our deepest position.

I’m not opposed to trading Kyle Lowry, at all.

I don’t know what the Raptors are thinking, but based on the current roster, I think Fred VanVleet is the future starting point guard of this team. I don’t know when that is, but I feel like he can eventually put up the same numbers that Lowry is and be a star for us.

That may be a bold prediction, but I’m sticking with it. Lowry was a late bloomer.

It’s been said that everyone is on the table in terms of trades. I think Lowry goes before DeRozan, just because if they trade DeRozan, they’re admitting to a rebuild. Right?

I think people are underestimating how much better our young players will be next season. I mean, it took DeRozan a few seasons to build himself into an All-Star, and he did it while playing on terrible teams.

These guys already have playoff experience. I think Anunoby takes a big step next season. I think once Pascal Siakam puts on more muscle and sharpens his game, look out. Just a matter of when.

I’m not confident Serge Ibaka is still on the team on opening night, though.

I think Fred VanVleet and Delon Wright are currently making the front office think about whether or not we’d be okay if Lowry were traded.

Obviously, I’m just speculating. A lot will change. These players are by no means married to this franchise and five years from now, they all may be gone.

I’m just giving thoughts on the guys who are here right now. Who knows, they may flat line like Norman Powell did this season. That’s a guy who I can see getting traded, even though he has so much potential. He just needs to get out of his own way.

I’ve gone on long enough. I like the Nick Nurse hiring. I’m exciting for the upcoming roster moves. And I can’t wait for the NBA Draft tonight!

Thanks for reading, and happy basketball to you and yours.

Note: I received a comment a few weeks ago on one of my basketball posts from a guy who was parsing my words and trying to bait me into a sports debate. I gave up debating sports a long time ago. There really is no point. No ones opinion ever changes. I’ll have a discussion with you, but I’m not going to go back and forth trying to convince you I’m right and you’re wrong. Go write your own blog post.

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Becca) – Ep. 4

Do you smell that? Don’t worry, you will soon because it was a fragrant episode of The Bachelorette last night. I’m glad to be joined again this week by our in-house fashion critic and Blake supporter, CassHer thoughts will appear in bold. 

Happy Tuesday, guess who’s back! Thanks again for including me Paul!

~ So it feels like a year since last Monday’s episode ended, but guess what, we get to start off with the cocktail reception!

~ It’s been a rough week so Blake decides to cheer Becca up by telling her he wants 3-5 kids.

~ “FIVE!?”

~ Guys, Blake is talking about kids and what he would name his daughters (I’m having a heart attack).

~ Blake just wants to name his future daughter Blake, doesn’t he?

~ The guys are talking about David the Chicken – the guy who fell out of bed and is in the hospital.

~ “I talk to God every day and people that go against me just end up hurt sometimes.” – Model J

~ Becca has a gift for Model J. It is a pair of gold short shorts.

~ “I think Becca might have my groin on her mind.”

~ Meanwhile, David is back from the dead with a black eye and a broken nose, but he claims what hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching her walk away is not being there for Becca.

~ David would enter during Jordan’s alone time! I’m dead.

~ David will be sleeping on the bottom bunk of the chicken coop from now on.

~ Becca gives him a rose, so he can go rest during the Rose Ceremony.

~ Atta girl Becs, so glad she gave David the rose.

~ Rest up David, you’ll need it!

~ It’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Thank the heavens.

The detective from Twin Peaks (Jason) gets a rose.

~ Wills gets a rose.

~ Why is Nick wearing a tracksuit to the rose ceremony…come on, dude.

~ Nick is the guy who was dressed like a race car driver on the first night.

~ Nick gets a rose! What the hecka, Becca?

~ Christon gets a rose.

~ Did Becca lose her voice? She’s whispering her way through this.

~ Lincoln gets a rose.

~ Blake Astley Manziel gets a rose.

~ Garrett gets a rose.

~ Tarzan gets a rose.

~ John the Poet gets a rose.

~ Connor gets a rose. His hair has more volume than a TV remote.

~ Model J gets a rose.

~ Chris comes in, breathes heavily, and tells Becca she has one rose remaining.

~ The final rose goes to Jean Blanc aka Johnny Scents.

~ Man Bun Mike – the guy who brought a cardboard cutout of Arie, is going home.

~ She also sent the banjoist home. We never saw his banjo. That was not a euphemism.

~ Really Becs? Jean-Blanc & Jordan over Man Bun Mike & Ryan…

~ Becca tells the guys they’re headed to Park City, Utah and they celebrate as if she said Las Vegas.

~ They arrive in Utah and Becca loves the fresh air. Her scarf is longer than she is.

~ Oh look, she’s staring off a balcony into the distance! No one does this! At least put a cellphone in her hand and make it more realistic.

~ Becca picks up Garrett and they’re going on a date.

~ They immediately go to an alpaca shop and try on hats.

~ Garrett is probably thinking he could hunt and make her something instead of buying her something at this alpaca store.

~ “Garrett does remind me of home.” – Becca

~ What is up with Becs shoes?

~ Back at the lodge the guys are staying at, Lincoln thinks the earth is flat and says the reason why we can walk and not slip off is because of friction.

~ Recently, it came out that he was convicted of indecent assault and battery. He can go home yesterday, as far as I’m concerned.

~ Johnny Scents senses something brewing. Yeah, he’s probably going home tonight. #Foreshadowing

~ Becca and Garrett are riding a ski lift, so you’d think they’re going skiing. Nope!

~ They’re going bobsledding.

~ Becca doesn’t know how to bobsled so she brought two Olympians to help them. She’s had chaperones on every date so far, hasn’t she?

~ It’s a four person bobsled….and they’re off!

~ “We made it!”

~ Garrett is on Cloud 10. Oh, what a clever fellow. That’s one higher than Cloud 9.

~ These two look really comfortable with each other. You can just tell. Becca doesn’t act this way with the other guys.

~ They’re going to dinner at the Big Moose Yacht Club. I approve of the name.

~ The place is made out of wood and has a million candles in it. This shouldn’t be a fire hazard at all.

~ Becca tells him he reminds her of her dad.

~ Garrett tells her about his first love when he was 23-years-old. They got married, but after two months of marriage, they got a divorce.

~ Whoa, way to drop a bombshell Garrett.

~ Garrett pulled a fast one there and got divorced after 2 months…Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries’ marriage lasted longer than his.

~ Back at the Love Lodge, the next date card is for: Model J, Chris R. Blake, Nick, John the Poet, Lincoln, Tarzan, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and Johnny Scents.

~ So basically everyone except Wills.

Awh, Wills get the one on one!

~ My favourite thing about Wills is his name is written on all of his clothing, like a name tag. He’s living in the future, we should all catch up.

~ I love how his sweater has his name on it! Now I want one that says “Cass”.

~ Back at the Big Moose, Garrett reassures Becca that he’s there for her and wants things to work.

~ She gives him a rose.

~ They head to the 58th part of this date, which is a Granger Smith concert. I hope Cass knows who this is because I don’t.

~ Holy smokes, it’s Granger Smith. I love this song.

Well then.

~ Everyone in the crowd is filming them dancing and kissing. This is intrusive.

~ Do people actually go back and watch the videos they record at a concert?

~ Next up is a group date with 13 guys. Becca is dressed as a lumberjack.

~ “Welcome to Utah!” – Becca

~ Ugh, Becca. You’re not from Utah! You’re a visitor just like them! You can’t welcome them to a place you’re also visiting! Arie did this on every date last season. It drove me nuts.

~ They’re out in the middle of nowhere to do some lumber jacking. There are two lumberjacks there to act as chaperones.

~ To start, they’re splitting a piece of wood with an axe.

~ This is one manly date.

~ David the Chicken is picking on Model J for not being in his element with an axe, yet he’s really good with nail polish at the spa.

Dude, you fell out of a bunk bed. Stop clucking.

~ Model J split the piece of wood perfectly. Good.

~ Johnny Scents, Lincoln, and Chris R. are struggling with the axe.

~ We get to separate the men from the boys, finally.

~ Jason’s description of the guys in the house right now…accurate.

~ Whoa, John is killing it, who would have thought?

~ “I lifted a 400 pound log, how awesome is that?” – John the Poet, talking about a log that couldn’t possibly weigh that much.

~ It’s now time for Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash.

~ Should’ve called it Becca’s Lumberjack Tournament, so BLT would be the acronym. Think, people, think!

~ They’re dividing into two teams and will be competing for Becca.

~ “We’re gonna win today because we have Becca on our team.” – Johnny Scents

~ The competition is on and it has come down to Blake and John scaling a 30-foot pole.

~ “Blake lives for this, he lives in the mountains and eats bugs.” Oh my.

~ Look at John go!

~ John won it for his team.

~ John wins The Golden Axe trophy.

~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and all the guys are dressed like a clothing catalogue.

~ Becca is gonna get engaged to one of these guys and not know what they look like in a short sleeve shirt that has writing and/or a logo on it.

~ This is one super cute distillery.

~ Jason and Becca sit down to talk and kiss. If this show were a fast-food restaurant, the Talk & Kiss would be Combo #1.

~ That is one long kiss Becs, y’all are gonna suffocate soon.

~ Becs just confirmed that Jason is a great kisser.

~ Becca asks Colton if he’s ever been in love. He says he has.

~ The follow up question in her head was probably: Was it with Tia?

~ Model J has taken off his pants to reveal his gold shorts.

~ I’m traumatized.

~ Put on some pants Jordan, no one wants to see this. I repeat, no one!

~ My name is Paul and I support that message.

~ Colton thinks Model J is a clown and isn’t there for the right reasons.

Drink!

~ Colton is calling out Model J for being a clown. He wants to paint himself as the protector of Becca’s heart.

~ Colton is seriously adorable when he’s being all protective.

~ Is this episode over yet? 48 MORE MINUTES? Oh my God, I can’t take it. I’m going to shove myself into a water bottle and use a tylenol tablet as a raft.

~ Johnny Scents is giving Becca her own fragrance which is called, Miss Becca Blanc. OH NO.

~ If you smelllllll what Johnny Scents is cooking.

~ Jean-Blanc, what the hell?

~ And then he forces a kiss on her.

MAY DAY, MAY DAY.

~ I feel awkward. I’ll be on the raft inside my water bottle if anyone needs me.

~ “Jean is just a lot.” – Becca

~ “You can’t sleep in the game of love.” – Johnny Scents

~ Oh, I think you can, sir.

~ Alright, we need to start warming up the guys in the bullpen. Johnny is running on fumes right now.

~ And by “fumes”, I mean Becca is going to be fuming BECAUSE HE JUST TOLD HER HE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. IT’S THE 4TH EPISODE. STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!

Oh, Johnny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling.

~ I will now shove myself into a Kleenex box and camp out at the bottom until this is over. I can’t watch.

~ “I realize we’re at the beginning stages.” – Johnny Scents

~ What is he doing!?

~ Becca is sending him home! He is blindsided by this.

~ Before he walks out he says, “What about the gift?”

~ She likes the gift (not really), but you gotta go.

~ He now says he didn’t mean that he’s falling in love with her, he just said it.

~ Just leave, why are you still talking, Jean?

~ I’m now trying to shove my whole body into my sock, this is that hard to watch.

~ And he’s out.

~ Serious question: Why do guys find the need to be dishonest and play games or what not?

~ Answer: Because they want to get from Point A to Point B, but don’t think they can get there by being themselves, so in order to get what they want, they say the things they think will unlock the path to Point B. Thus, lies are told, games are played, and trust is broken.

~ Becca goes back to tell the guys that Johnny Scents stunk up the place.

~ Whoa, whoa. No rose tonight.

~ Jean-Blanc just ruined it for the guys.

~ Awh, these guys are so adorable right now. They are all super protective & I love it!

~ Leo always has such a good little speech.

~ Up next is her date with Wills, but she’s emotionally exhausted so this date could go sideways quickly.

~ Wills is dashing through the snow like he’s on stilts. There’s no other way to describe it.

~ Good luck, Wills, you got this!

~ Wills’ voiceover just made me tear up, what a sweet guy.

~ They’re going snowmobiling.

~ They stop on the top of a hill to talk, as Wills checks in to make sure she’s okay.

~ HE IS ACTUALLY SO SWEET! OH MY LORD.

~ Yes Becs, this is what you needed today!

~ Day has turned to night and they are at Blue Bear Inn. If you say it quickly, it sounds like Blue Baron.

~ Wills is putting himself in the “Too good for this show” category.

~ Wills is talking about his ex and how they were talking about wedding plans, but he saw her with another guy at a place where they spent multiple anniversaries.

~ Wills was all in and his ex broke his heart…

~ One of Wills’ fears is not being enough for someone.

~ What girl wants a hall pass when you have an amazing boyfriend…..

~ My heart right now.

~ “Wills will you accept this rose?” “Put it on me, please.” – whoa

~ Becs, we know he was perfect for this date, even I’m falling for him now & I don’t even know him.

~ Back at the Love Lodge, the guys are having a powwow around the coffee table.

~ Nick tells us he didn’t get time on his group date, so he wants it tonight to prove he is there for the right reasons.

~ Drink!

~ In walks Chris Harrison, wearing your grandfather’s favourite sweater.

~ “What’s up, boys?”

~ Does he not say “Fellas” anymore? Say it ain’t so, Chris!

~ Chris Harrison Fella Counter remains at 2, I suppose.

~ He informs them that Becca has cancelled the cocktail party.

~ CHRIS WITH THE BOMB.

~ Low-key kinda glad we skipped the cocktail party.

~ Becca arrives, talks to Chris, gives a little speech, and starts the Rose Ceremony.

~ Yes, Chris, no more games. We know this.

~ Tarzan gets a rose.

~ Colton gets a rose.

~ Blake Astley Manziel gets a rose.

~ The Twin Peaks detective gets a rose. I really hope people understand this reference. Google it if you need to. The resemblance is uncanny.

~ Connor gets a rose.

~ Every time she says “Connor”, I change it to “Donner” in my head and want to follow it up by saying “Blitzen”.

~ Praying they play with reindeer in a future episode. Will settle for regular deer.

~ Lincoln gets a rose.

~ John the Poet gets a rose.

~ Chris R. aka Eddie from Friends gets a rose.

~ David the Chicken gets a rose.

~ Model J gets the final rose. Oh good, that keeps the David vs. Model J 2-on-1 still in play for the future.

~ Everyones faces when Jordan got the rose…it’s season 14, we can’t be surprised.

~ Nick and Christon didn’t get a rose.

~ Christon’s one shining moment this season was in the first episode when he dunked on her.

~ THEY’RE GOING TO VEGAS NEXT WEEK AHAHAHA

~ I said at the beginning they reacted to going to Utah as if they were going to Vegas. Now they’re going to Vegas and the enthusiasm wasn’t as high.

~ Model J is sad he was called last and says he could go from Captain Underpants to Captain Just Took Everyone’s Girl.

~ Go home Captain Underpants.

~ We’ll have more Captain updates next week, right here, on The Captain’s Speech.

Model J and David ARE going on a 2-on-1 next week. I’m just predicting this whole show.

~ Can we fast forward to next Monday please…

Big thanks to Cass for doing this again! Sometimes I wonder if there are people who read this and don’t know there are two people writing it. Then I panic a bit.

See you all next week!

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Look Friendly

I’ve written before about how strangers come up to me in public places and strike up a conversation. Well, it happened again.

That’s right kids, it’s story time! So make sure you’re sitting somewhere comfortable – may I suggest your freezer? Just pop a squat next to the frozen chicken wings, between the ice cream and jumbo freezes you didn’t know you had.

Quick Poll: Best Freezie flavour. Answer below.

What’s that? You’re all too big to sit in your freezer? Lalalalalala I’m not listening, lalalalalala can’t hear you!

So the other day I had to go get my license renewed. In other words, I had to go stand in a line for a really long time. That is a psychological hurdle you have to get over before you even show up.

I arrived at 11:51am and the line was out the door. After a few seconds, the line moved and the guy in front of me told me to go ahead of him.

Like a good Canadian, I asked him if he was sure. He told me his wife was the one in line and he’d wait outside for her.

A few minutes later, I found myself in between the two doors of this place. I wasn’t outside, but I wasn’t inside either. The doors were both being held open when all of a sudden a worker at one of the counters told us the air conditioning was on and it wouldn’t work if the doors were open.

He made me feel like I was two feet tall. I don’t know, just something about his tone.

I squeezed my way inside.

To my left was an elderly woman, who had a walking boot on her right foot and was leaning on a four wheel walker. To my right was a middle aged man, who was looking at the bank app on his phone.

After a few minutes, he tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, I left my bank card at the bank. Can I go get it while you hold my spot?”

Again, like a good Canadian, I said, “Yeah, sure, of course!”

It was at this time that the woman in the walking boot started talking to me.

She told me that she spent the morning at the fracture clinic and was #130 in line. She got there as they were calling #4 in. Needless to say, it had been a long morning for her.

But she was in good spirits! She said she went there with a book, water, and an apple. Her husband – the same guy who let me go ahead of him – picked her up when she called him. I was starting to think he didn’t have much patience.

So the two of us just started talking. No one else in line was talking. Just two people with a 40-year age gap.

We speculated on which bank location that guy had to go to, and if we’d still be there when he returned.

About 25 minutes later, we had moved about 10 feet forward and the guy returned!

He said they wouldn’t give him his card, but they issued him a new one on the spot. I guess it’s for security reasons.

A few minutes later, this guy spilled the beans to me.

He told me he was there because he lost his wallet – meaning he lost his health card, driver’s license, and “a little bit of money, too”. He had no idea where it could be. Then he showed me the pocket in his cargo shorts he normally keeps it in.

I didn’t have the guts to tell him the bottom side pocket of your cargo shorts isn’t the best place for a wallet. That pocket isn’t accounted for when doing the 3-Pocket Pat.

All of a sudden it made sense why he left his card at the bank. He had no wallet to put it in! Also, he loses things.

So then it hit me that this guy was also driving around without a license. I asked him if he had any kind of identification on him. Not even his brand new bank card could vouch for him – it didn’t have his name on it.

He said he had pictures of his ID on his phone. Something told me he’d probably lost his cards before and knew to have a backup plan.

I felt so bad for the guy.

Anyway, we’re getting closer to the front of the line when the lady in the walking boot tells the guy she saw a sign at the front for people who need new cards – they need to fill out a form.

So he weaved in and out of the people in line to pick up the form.

“Alright, who has a pen?”

No one did, so he got one from one of the service desks. He found a table and started filling out the forms.

At this point, the lady whispered to me, “I thought I was having a bad morning, but his is worse.”

Then we got into medical horror stories and how she didn’t want a rod sticking out of her leg. You know, stuff strangers normally talk about.

Then she turned around and saw her husband motioning to her from the door, as if to say, “We can go if it’s going to be too long.”

He is a secondary character in this story, but if this were a TV show, he’d be bumped up to main character by Season 2.

Our buddy came back to join the line and said, “I just realized this form is for people renewing their card, not replacing it.”

Face, meet palm. Palm, this is face. Get cozy.

He had a good sense of humour about it though, and was chuckling about how bad he felt for whoever would have to help him out of this mess.

By now, we were at the front of the line and my deodorant was moments away from entering the danger zone.

Picture the Cliffhanger game on The Price is Right. The yodelling guy gets higher and higher, until he falls off the cliff and plummets to a soft mat below(?), all because he didn’t bother to look down once. Not once! Don’t they tell hikers to always watch where they’re stepping?

Now take that analogy and apply it to the lifespan of deodorant. Thanks.

Hey, don’t judge me! You stand in close proximity with a bunch of other oxygen-dependent beings for a long time, in a building that is supposedly relying on A/C and not the three elementary school-esque fans set up behind the counter, and tell me you won’t come out smelling differently than when you went in.

I don’t know how this turned into a post about armpits, but we’re here now.

Out of our little trio, the lady with the walking boot left the line first. Then the man. Then me.

I finished my business first and was headed out. The man had retreated to a table to fill out forms, while the lady was about to get her picture taken. I walked by her and told her to take care.

She replied with a smile and said, “Alright, you too, hun!”

I exited the building at 12:43pm – 52 minutes after joining the line – with a temporary license and a Final 3 alliance, I think.

Later, I asked my mom why random people talk to me. She said it’s because I look friendly.

The End.

Stay tuned for the after story.

It’s funny, because I woke up that day and had this random, unlikely scenario run through my head: “What if I have to leave the line because I really have to go to the washroom? Would I make an announcement and ask if anyone has a problem with me rejoining the line? Would I just ask the people around me to hold my spot? What’s the protocol?”

And then I get there and a guy asks me to hold his place in line.

Strange premonitions like that happen to me a lot. Like that one time I woke up and something told me, “Don’t get in a stranger’s car”, and then an hour later I’m walking down a street and a car pulled over and the driver called me to their window. They were lost and needed directions, but still, I basically predicted that.

I’ve always believed that our lives intersect with others – whether it’s for 52 minutes or much longer – for some kind of reason.

Those two made standing in line much more enjoyable than I thought it would be. Everyone else looked miserable. Maybe I was put in that place because those two had already had a rough morning and I was the friendly face they needed?

Now I’m just tooting my horn.

Anyway, life is weird. And sweaty. Let’s end it there.

You may all hop out of your freezers now.

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

The Formula 1 Season So Far

Vroom vroom, mes amis!

I had intended to write this post last week, but I’ve been in a writing rut lately, so here it is a week late and $7 short.

Get it? Because when you’re a day late, you’re a dollar sho…vroom vroom!

Sorry, I got interrupted by a car.

For all you mathletes out there – and I know there are plenty – the Formula 1 season is 33% complete. Last weekend, the gaggle of drivers made their way to Montreal, Quebec, Canada, and Circuit Gilles Villeneuve, for the seventh race of the season.

Get it? Because a gaggle is a flock of geese and Canada is known for their gee…vroom vroom.

Those darn cars!

This has always been my favourite part of the schedule and it has nothing to do with being Canadian.

When I was a kid, I’d play the Formula 1 video game and the 6th race of the season was Monaco and right after was Canada. It’s still that way in real life. They were my two favourite tracks to drive and I couldn’t wait to finish the first five.

For those of you who don’t think video games are of any value, I’d argue they’re quite educational. I was 10 years old and getting a full geography lesson on which city was located in which country.

Also, thanks to video games, I’ve been able to memorize most of the tracks. I would draw them for you but, hahaha.

Monaco is my favourite race of the season because of how tight the circuit is, and how aesthetically pleasing the whole place looks.

Plus there’s a tunnel in the middle of the track. For some reason I’m like a dog with its face out the window of a moving car when I see the Monaco tunnel.

Now that the cars are wider than they were in previous years, it’s even harder to pass at Monaco (as well as everywhere else), which I don’t like so much, but Monaco is still #1 for now. Azerbaijan might replace it in my power rankings at some point in the near future, though.

One memory I have of a race in Monaco is from 2001 or 2002. There was a driver for the Arrows team named Enrique Bernoldi. Their car was orange and black – picture Halloween  on wheels.

Their car wasn’t any good and Bernoldi was frequently lapped during races. Well during this race, he held up a frontrunner for almost five laps instead of getting out of the way. I believe it was either one of the Ferraris, or Eddie Irvine in the Jaguar.

I tried looking it up, but all I found was video of Bernoldi holding up David Coulthard in the 2001 Monaco Grand Prix. I don’t think that’s what I’m remembering. In that race, Coulthard had pole position, but his car stalled at the start of the race and he had to work his way through the field.

He was stuck behind Bernoldi for 35 laps, despite his car (a McLaren) being faster.

By the way, the cars back then were the best. Can we go back to them?

But yeah, my point being, Enrique Bernoldi was no turnstile at Monaco. I’ll never forget it. From then on it was always like, “Ohhh Bernoldi, don’t wanna get stuck behind him.”

As for the Canadian Grand Prix last weekend, it was pretty boring outside of the crash on the first lap. Oh, and Winnie Harlow waved the checkered flag a lap before she was supposed to, so that was great.

Before the race, the analysts had a demonstration of just how much force the drivers have to exert in order to press the brake in their car. I always took that aspect of racing for granted. I assumed it was sensitive like the brake us mortals use.

Nope. They’ve basically got to throw all their weight on the pedal to get the car to slow down. Imagine doing that a few hundred times during a race.

Also, both pedals are molded to fit their feet. The more you know.

Back to the race, itself.

There wasn’t a lot of overtaking, nor a lot of close battles on track. I don’t know what happened to this sport, but most of the races seem to be decided during qualifying.

I know the regulations and the make up of the car has something to do with it, but someone smarter than me can get into the specifics for you.

I remember when Pit Stops were about 8 seconds – they’d change the tyres, fill up the gas tank, maybe even wipe the driver’s visor, before offering them some hors d’oeuvres, and then the lollipop man would release the car. They would do this 2 or 3 times per race.

So many things could go wrong and it always added drama to the race.

Now, Pit Stops are about 2.3 seconds. They’re no longer allowed to refuel the car during the race, which is smart. I saw my fair share of Pit Lane fires, with guys running to the scene with fire extinguishers and bags of sand.

Dare I say that was exciting, though?

There’s not even a lollipop man anymore. Well, there is. But he’s not the one who has final say in when the car leaves.

It’s an automated light system telling the drivers to go. This system doesn’t always have the pit crews’ safety in mind. Earlier this season, the automated system told Ferrari driver, Kimi Raikkonen, to go, but the pit crew hadn’t replaced the back left tyre yet. They were struggling to get it off.

The automated system saw that all four tyres were on and released Kimi. Kimi’s car broke a pit crew members leg as he drove off.

Anyway, the point I was getting at was almost every race is a one stop race. And each stop is so fast you can hardly tell they changed the tyres. There is a significant lack of added drama.

Sure, we get the whole “undercut” vs. “overcut” strategy discussion when pit stops are taking place, but that’s it.

Maybe they can implement a rule in the future that requires each driver to stop at least twice. Because when I see someone go into the Pits on Lap 10 and the commentators say their car should be good until the end of the race, I’m no longer that happy dog with its head out the window.

Let me just catch the wind in my face and enjoy it!

Near the end of races, the commentators try and give us hope that a late overtake will happen. They’ll say that a driver is only 4 seconds behind with 6 laps remaining, and they’ve been gaining a second on the car ahead of them in each of the last few laps.

Great, but then that car has to get by the one in front of them and that doesn’t happen as much as it used to.

As things currently stand, Sebastian Vettel leads Lewis Hamilton by 1 point in the Drivers’ Championship, and Mercedes has a 17 point lead over Ferrari in the Constructors’.

I’ve found myself cheering for Red Bull the last few years, even though they are the third best car on the grid. I can’t get behind Mercedes – they win too much. I like Vettel with Ferrari, but Raikkonen looks like he checked out years ago.

At this time, I’ve run out of things to say. I know, it’s abrupt.

Oh wait, one last thing – Fernando Alonso better return to Formula 1 next year, I’m not ready for him to go. And when he returns, it better be in a car that can put him in contention for a podium. He’s too good to be battling for 9th place every race.

So yeah, that’s all.

I’ve always thought it would be cool to go to every racetrack at some point in my life. Maybe if I ever get rich and find someone to go with.

Though I’d probably have to use an alias like Paul E. Mahogany just to fit in around such a prestigious crowd. I’d have to adopt an accent befitting of a rich person, too.

I just used the word “befitting”, I’m feeling wealthier already.

Okay, I’m done.

Vroom vroom.

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Becca) – Ep. 3

Happy Tuesday to those who celebrate. Welcome to the most dramatic viewing notes of your life.

Joining me once again is Cass to provide her unique insights! She’s basically become a co-host for these recaps. We aim to take the “ache” out of “Bachelorette”. Clever, right? Right? I’ll be quiet now.

Thank you Paul for having me back, I have opted for no snacks tonight due to the intense episode ahead. It’s finally happening. I have never been so excited/stressed for an episode.

Cass’ thoughts will be in bold.

Pack it up, pack it in, let us begin:

~ It’s a rainy day in Bachelorville as all the guys are in sweaters, chowing down on breakfast. Looks like they’re five minutes away from cuddling and watching movies on Netflix for the rest of the day.

~ David the Chicken tells us Model J (Jordan) ran around the house naked last night.

~ Meanwhile, Model J calls David a dry chicken who makes scrambled eggs all day.

~ In walks Chris Harrison and his sleeves are rolled up for the first time this season. Call off the search party, I’ve located his wrists!

~ “Mornin’ boys.” – Chris H.

~ The Chris Harrison Fella Counter remains at two.

~ “Thanks for wearing clothes today.” – Thank you, Chris

~ There will be two group dates and a one-on-one date.

~ Going on the first date are: Wills, the detective from Twin Peaks (Jason), Model J, David the Chicken, Jean Blanc aka Johnny Scents, and Colton.

~ So ready for this first group date.

~ Meanwhile, Becca is in her room and has prepared a dessert and fruit platter. They already ate breakfast, Becca! Look at the clock!

~ Oh what, her girlfriends from last season have arrived.

~ “I feel like I needed this, it’s been a lot of men.” Damn Becs.

~ This is such a set up for Tia and Colton to “run into each other.”

~ Omg, Tia can you spill already. We need to know what happened.

~ Holy shit, did he think Tia was the bachelorette?

~ Becca is now acting like a talk show host as the five girls sit on the other couch and answer in unison.

~ Are these really her closest friends, or just the ones who give a good sound byte/want more fame?

~ Becs, those are some awful sandals.

~ Think it’s okay if I call her Becs? We are on week 3 & I feel like I know her so well at this point…it’s happening.

~ I think it’s fine. Think I can get away with using nicknames for people too? Oh…right.

~ It’s going to be a spa date so Becca puts on a robe and goes to stand in the parking lot, as if she’s retrieving the morning paper at 6am. It’s mid-morning! Look at the clock!

~ Wills is wearing a sweater with his name on it. That’s helpful.

~ The guys walk in and the other girls are also in robes. This has turned spa-wkward.

~ Tia & Colton both blushed, we need to know the whole story.

~ Colton is freaking out that Tia is there, but on channel 7 of the producers’ walkie-talkies, they’re laughing their ratings off.

~ I would be scared too, Colton.

~ OMG, Becs forgot Jason’s name…come on girl.

~ See, it’s easier to refer to him as the detective from Twin Peaks.

~ Jason has turned into Colton’s confidant for the Tia situation.

~ Jeeze Jason, of course there is an elephant in the room. Duh.

~ Just to clarify what this “spa” date is, Becca took her boyfriends on a date so they could pamper five of her friends. There’s a Spice Girls lyric reference in here somewhere.

~ The guys are getting their nails painted.

~ These guys are true team players, nail polish on National TV. Currently searching for your masculinity.

~ Now Becca is getting her neck and feet rubbed, simultaneously. Was this in her contract?

~ “I’m so happy I shaved my legs today.” – said every girl ever.

~ “For the right reasons”. Drink!

~ I can’t get over these sandals.

~ Becca sits down with Tia.

~ Colton’s sweating buckets, guys.

~ Holy Smokes, we got the story finally.

They’re trying to figure out if Colton applied to the show hoping Tia would be the bachelorette. Why don’t you just ask him? Why is this hard?

~ She brought six guys on a date where they can get close with five other women, but she’s worried about Colton applying to the show hoping for someone else?

Open your eyes! Look at the clock! It’s happening right in front of you! They’re all canoodling!

~ So real question: Did Colton sign up thinking it was Tia? Does he really want Becs?

~ I’m assuming Tia, but that’s just me!

~ I just don’t understand why he’d go through the obstacle that is this show, hoping it’s Tia, and risking her falling for someone else, when he already knew her? Maybe I missed something.

~ Hmm, maybe they are dating in real life somewhere.

~ Back to Becs.

~ It’s time for the night portion of the date.

~ Johnny Scents pulls her away first and take out a whisk he stole(?) from the spa. Does he also want to make scrambled eggs all day?

~ Becca tells What’s His Face aka The Detective from Twin Peaks aka Jason, she has a crush on him and then they ate each other’s faces for lunch.

~ Jason seems like the marrying type, plus he has a big boy job.

~ Model J reached 4000 matches on Tinder in 2017. His phone screen now has a permanent indentation from all the swiping.

~ How did his fingers not break?

~ “I’m very selective on swipes.” – Omg Jordan

~ Foghorn Leghorn (David) spends his time with Becca talking about Jordan’s Tinder activity. Is he an undercover informant? If so, why’d he take off his chicken costume?

~ Colton looks like Morgan Rielly.

~ “I’m a golden retriever.” – Go home, Jordan

~ David the Chicken won’t stop antagonizing Model J. These two are pulling off what’s known in wrestling as the double turn, where the good guy becomes annoying, and the bad guy becomes likeable.

~ She just high five’d Jordan. I mean, I agree it’s a serious accomplishment.

~ I can’t even hold a conversation on Bumble, let alone match with guys.

~ OMG Team Chicken & Team Model. NO.

~ Model J has a three-year modelling contract and says “professionality” is attached to him.

~ David and Jordan’s argument right now.

~ Wills and Jason cracking up.

~ Jason summed it up: “That was awesome.”

~ Back at Harrison Manor, Chris R. aka Eddie from Friends gets the one-on-one date. I didn’t realize he was a main character on this show.

~ We’re 40 minutes into the episode and Becca still can’t wrap her head around the Colton and Tia thing, so she decides to sit down with him. It took this long. Look at the clock!

~ Colton tells her his emotions are strong for her and that’s it, she’s sold. They’re gonna do the damn thing.

~ Becca gives Colton the group date rose.

~ How the hell did Colton get this rose? What the hell?

~ Was she really that worried about his relationship with Tia, or did the producers just want her to play it up?

~ As we head to commercial, we get previews of a guy (possibly David) being stretchered out of the house and someone says it looked like he was attacked by a bear.

~ If so, Chris H. will have to sit down with the “fellas” and remind them that David isn’t actually a chicken and you can’t eat him for dinner.

~ Eddie from Friends is now on his date.

~ Great shot of the Hollywood sign, ABC.

Becca and Chris R. are in a limo and she tells him they’re going to Capitol Records. Chris laughs.

~ That was an exaggerated laugh.

~ They arrive and piano player, Richard Marx, is (right here) waiting for them.

~ Richard tells them they’re going to write a love song. They look at him as if he’s speaking Vietnamese.

~ It’s difficult for Chris R. to be vulnerable and write his feelings down, which means once again, channel 7 on the producers walkies is filled with hip-hop hoorays.

~ This date is boring…just saying.

~ Chris and Becca exchange rhyming couplets and then Richard sings it.

~ I’ll be honest, I cannot lie, this date is boring, why why WHY?

~ UHM WHAT!

~ Oh noooo, ABC just cut into a special report about two world leaders going on an exotic overnight date in Singapore or something. I had to fast forward 15 minutes until the show returned.

~ If this means the Rose Ceremony gets cut off…

Back at the house, the next group date is for Clay and…why did the feed cut away to an episode of Mom? What is happening!?!

~ So why am I watching Mom right now…thanks for avoiding the ambulance scene ABC.

~ Oh, the show is back. Someone is trying to sabotage me.

~ NOW THE SHOW SKIPPED PASSED THE STRETCHER SCENE. ALL THERE WAS WAS A BLOODY TOWEL ON THE GROUND.

~ Bring back Becca’s friends from the first episode, they gotta sage the place again.

~ Chris Harrison has gone to meet with Becca to fill her, and us, in.

~ “There was an incident at the house last night. One of your guys was rushed to the hospital last night and he’s in intensive care.”

~ It’s DAVID.

~ Foghorn’s got a busted beak.

~ He fell out of bed and landed on his face. Internally, I am laughing so hard.

~ “He fell out of bed.” – WTF

~ WE MISSED SO MUCH!

~ Becca calls him to check in. He’s blaming the size of the bed for this, claiming he’s used to a King size bed.

~ I believe him. I once banged my head on the wall in residence at school, thinking my alarm was on that side of the bed, nope, it was on the other side. I wasn’t used to it.

~ I also once answered the Kleenex box instead of my phone. The darn thing wouldn’t stop ringing! I live by a simple motto: Don’t call me while I’m sleeping, and I won’t call you while I’m sleeping.

~ Jordan just put guard rails on David’s bed.

~ “Chicken’s can’t fly.”

~ Time for the group date. There are ten of them. They’re on a football field.

~ Two women from the Legends Football League, formerly known as the Lingerie Football League, are there.

~ These are some badass girls. I wish I was this badass.

~ Why is Becca incapable of going on a date without a bunch of chaperones?

~ These boys are so athletic.

~ They’re wearing hockey helmets with visors. High sticking will not be tolerated on the gridiron, gang!

~ Have to agree with Becs, these boys are looking good.

~ Lincoln can’t side step.

~ “I’m kinda scared, but I’m really excited.” – Blake

~ John the Poet has never played football before but will take hits if he has to, for Becca’s heart. Orrrrr you could avoid getting tackled and get a touchdown??

~ My goodness, John is going to be playing football.

~ New Moral Compass Clay is showing off his football prowess.

~ Clay is totally in his element.

~ It’s game time! What time is it? Game time! Look at the clock!

~ This “Look at the clock” catchphrase fits into every aspect of this show.

~ I believe Connor is trying to determine his jockstrap size.

~ “Medium or small?” – lol Connor

~ Team White huddles together and grunts.

~ In the other locker room, Clay reads his team the riot act.

~ “This is our game and we’re gonna win it, and we’re gonna celebrate with Becca afterward! Let’s go!” – Clay

~ If that doesn’t get you pumped up, anything else probably will.

~ Chris Harrison and former Tampa Bay Buccaneer (Beccaneer??), Keyshawn Johnson, are there to provide play-by-play for the first and last Becca Bowl.

I used to own a Buccaneers hoodie. It was warm, just like Tampa Bay…and hoodies.

~ What just happened? The show snapped back to Chris Harrison in Becca’s room. This PVR recording has a mind of its own.

~ WOAH WOAH WOAH, back in the Team White locker room, the guys are screaming, “What time is it!? WHAT TIME IS IT!?”

~ They must’ve heard me!

~ “Everybody on their team sucks.” – Tarzan, professional trash talker

~ Leo with the lines again.

~ The game has started and Clay is the QB for Team Blue. Touchdown!

~ Team White comes back with a TD of their own.

~ Lincoln is clueless on the field. He’s like a streaker that no one has noticed yet.

Former Globetrotter Christon breaks free for a touchdown run.

~ Yes Becs, this is totally hot (sorry Paul).

These viewing notes will never be the same.

~ Garrett had a crazy tackle on Mike.

~ Garrett with the QB sneak for a TD for Team White.

~ Clay intercepts the ball and laterals it to Blake, who takes it all the way for a touchdown.

~ Damn it, Clay is in his element.

~ Clay is down 7, and pulls a Michael Vick circa Madden 2004, and QB sneaks it from the 30 yard line for a TD.

~ The Becca Bowl ends in a tie! I blame Bud Selig.

~ Clay is hurt in the end zone. He’s got a big ouchy boo-boo on his wrist. And in comes another ambulance to take him to the ER. I probably shouldn’t joke about this one.

~ There clearly was a lot of ambulances for one episode.

~ Are they going to FaceTime David and Clay for the Rose Ceremony?

~ It’s time for the night portion of the date.

~ Becca’s outfit is on point.

~ What is this? A velvet, silver bath robe? I’d wear it.

~ Garrett has Becca pick him up, before they end up kissing. I feel like that’s something penguins do. Oh, did I say that out loud?

~ Garrett, you aren’t Clay. Stop with this “tackling” lesson.

~ Tarzan (Leo) just kissed her but we couldn’t see it because his hair was in the way.

~ Blake is glad they formed their Hair B&B partnership before she got to build bonds with the other guys.

~ “I just want to take a nap with you.” – Becca

~ Blake says he just wants to cuddle and watch scary movies. Did I not say that in my first viewing note of the night?

~ Becca is giddy that he called her his girlfriend.

~ I would be giddy too if Blake called me his girlfriend, just saying.

~ Clay has returned with a sling! His wrist might be broken. Becca chuckles.

~ Clay’s back and Becs is smitten.

~ Clay gets the group date rose and that’s where my recording of this show ends. Coming up next is the Rose Ceremony, surely.

Cass, it’s all yours! Bring it home. I’ll make notes on your notes.

~ Yes, Jason, this has been an interesting night.

~ I’d be happy too, Becs, if I was kissing 18 guys that were this athletic and sung my praises.

#Cassette2019. It’s like “Bachelorette” but your name takes the place of “Bachelor” so it’s Cassette and then ABC can market the season as “Praises will be sung” or something because cassettes play music and…yeah. Think about it.

~ OMG Clay is talking about leaving.

~ So he needs surgery, but does not want to leave.

~ Wait…he’s leaving.

~ Holy.

~ Cow.

~ Don’t cry, Cass. Keep it together, girl.

~ Becs clearly really liked him.

~ That was heartbreaking.

~ Wow.

Any other way to describe it?

~ Only way to describe tonight’s episode. Wow.

There was no Rose Ceremony. That’ll be at the start of the next episode, I assume.

Thank you, Cass, for saving my bacon with the end of this episode!

Thanks for reading!

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Smells Like The Night

It goes straight to my lungs and helps me breathe
you sit there and shiver thinking it’s just a cool breeze
I tell you it smells
you don’t let me finish
I say it smells like the night
but you don’t know and leave me alone
I think it smells like the night that brings me back home

There’s a fire at night, it’s begging for me
around the flickering light, we tell our story
too happy to feel hungry, we howl at the moon
and now it smells like the night
we pulled into the woods and set up until noon
with no idea where the skunk went
we’re the only ones who know what those nights meant

Bundle up, you’ll catch a cold, I’m sure of it
here comes the snow, let’s go play until we’re hit
running too slow to hide, we’re waiting to be found
and now it smells like the night
we took the powder from the ground
threw it around without anyone knowing
and traced angels because it just wouldn’t stop snowing

Oh, it smells like the night
it smells like the night it got dark at five
and it smells like the night we felt so alive
oh, it smells like the night
it smells like the night that I was there
and it smells like the night that I just didn’t care
oh, it smells like the night
it smells like the night I had to go
and it smells like the night I wanted to say no

It smells like the night it all went right
and it smells like the night, tonight.

Written while listening to: Florence + The Machine – Hunger
I had never heard this song until a few hours before I wrote this poem. I liked the power in it and thought it would help me get these words out. It did.  

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Becca) – Ep. 2

Welcome back to another award-eligible edition of Bachelorette Viewing Notes!

Please join me in welcoming back the two-time special guest commentator, she is the ice cream assassin (unless she says otherwise because I didn’t run this by her beforehand)Cass!

Happy Bachelorette Monday, Cass again! Huge thank you to Paul for including me once again!

Cass’ comments will be in bold.

~ We start off with Becca riding around on a bicycle that has an oversized basket. Who does she think she is, Jessica Fletcher?

~ The men have moved into the frat house, otherwise known as Harrison Manor.

~ “What’s up, fellas?” – Chris Harrison

~ Chris Harrison Fella Count (this season): 2

~ His sleeves aren’t rolled up! What is happening?!

~ Chris had a good line there, “I don’t even remember you from night one.” Poor David.

~ First date card is for: Clay with the clay, Nick, Chris R., David the Chicken, Jean Blanc aka Johnny Scents, Jordan aka Model J, Connor, and Moral Compass Lincoln.

~ The guys arrive to meet Becca and they’re all dressed as if their clothes are on the BRAT diet.

~ These guys really need to stop yelling “Becca”. Just stop. It’s weird.

~ They’re all changing into tuxedos in the middle of the room, while Becca pretends not to look.

~ So many abs.

~ So many muscles.

~ Model J tells Becca to put her confidence on before her socks and shoes.

~ His next modelling tip is, “Be the person your camera thinks you are.” Okay, I made that one up.

~ Let’s quickly check in on Cass…

~ Damn just dropped my ice cream again (2nd week in a row..switching back to popcorn).

~ Becca et al. walk down to a field and Rachel and Bryan from last season are there.

~ The men will be going through an obstacle course. Based on how the sun is reflecting off them, I can tell it’s 9:30am. Snack time will be in an hour.

~ “This is more than just a silly obstacle course. These guys are great but I need to know that I can trust them, so today I’m putting them to the test.” – Becca

~ Trust is built through obstacle courses. Noted.

~ The first obstacle has them tied to a ball and chain, as they run to hop in an ice tub.

~ “Don’t worry about the shrinkage.”

~ Lincoln is rolling through the mud with a bouquet of flowers, but loses time when his flowers fall out of the vase. Details, man, details!

~ They’re now searching through a wedding cake for a ring, without using their hands.

~ Lincoln wins a foot knee race down the aisle and wins a kiss and a photo. What is this, a town fair?

~ The night portion of the date is at what looks like a castle, but they haven’t shown the outside so it could just be a fancy house.

~ Lincoln steals her away first since she’s his “wife” now.

~ “It’s a group date, bro.” – Model J

~ Does Model J expect them all to just hang out and tell funny stories around the fire?

This isn’t a camping trip. It’s The Bachelorette, dammit! – Future tagline for the show

~ Connor says Lincoln doesn’t come across as real.

~ Becca gives Lincoln a picture of them standing under the altar from the date.

~ Anyone else notice that Lincoln kisses weird? No, I mean really weird.

~ Back at Harrison Manor, the second date card arrives.

~ It is for Blake Astley Manziel.

~ “Don’t come back” – Colton’s reaction to Blake getting the first one-on-one (I’m watching you, Colton). Go Blake.

~ Chris R. looks like Eddie (Chandler’s temporary roommate) from Friends. An assist to Cass for pointing that out to me.

~ “I’m here for you.” Drink!

~ All we’re getting from this group date is quick sound bytes from each guy when they talk to her.

~ We’re also getting Lincoln flirting with his picture frame.

~ Why does he keep kissing the picture…why is he talking to the picture? Lincoln you are a grown ass man. Stop.

~ The other guys think he’s a sore winner and don’t know why that photo needs to be on display.

~ This group date dinner is getting heated.

~ Connor just discus tossed it into the pool! Oh, nope. It hit a tree first and smashed against the ground. The closing shot is of it floating in the pool, though.

~ FAKE EDITING.

~ I would do the same thing Connor, don’t worry.

~ His picture is broken and so is his heart. The moral compass is spinning out of control.

~ “Journey.” Drink!

~ Johnny Scents sweet talked his way into a first kiss.

~ We now have a full-blown #PictureGate happening.

~ Was it wrong for Lincoln to put it on display? Was it wrong for Connor to throw it against a tree and then allow a production assistant to place it in the pool? Have your say!

~ Clay is now assuming the role of Moral Compass.

~ Lincoln has run off to tell Becca about Connor’s antics. “I feel threatened, physically.”

~ Who would have guessed guys could have so much drama?

~ Here comes the interrogation from Becca.

~ “Do you have a history of throwing pictures of your girlfriend with one of her twenty other boyfriends, into a pool? Speak directly into the microphone.”

~ I don’t think Connor is a villain. He’s just a patsy.

~ Johnny Scents gets the group date rose, and Lincoln looks perplexed. “It’s a stab to the heart.”

~ Come on Lincoln, it’s “shot through the heart”, do you even listen to Bon Jovi?

~ Back at Harrison Manor, it’s the next day and Lincoln is crying about his broken photo.

~ Lincoln’s turning into a cry baby now.

~ “He’s the cry guy.” – Model J

~ Jordan has some hilariously good points there. (I don’t like you, but you’re keeping tonight interesting).

~ Blake and Becca are going on Becca’s first “real date” since she was engaged.

~ I hope Becca doesn’t tell Lincoln how she really feels about “group dates”.

~ Their limo driver has taken them to what looks like the other side of the tracks.

~ Chris Harrison is waiting for them in an alley with a sledgehammer over his shoulder!

~ Chris has turned dark this season. First his sleeves are rolled down and now this? He’s basically a Scooby-Doo villain.

Fingers crossed they chase after him, in and out of rooms, before going after him down a long hallway.

~ They get changed into “smashing clothes” and walk into…okay smashing clothes probably wasn’t the best term.

~ They’re dressed like plumbers, alright? Just go with me here.

~ They’re in a warehouse and all of a sudden Lil Jon appears. It’s now a 2-on-1 date!

~ Around the warehouse are a bunch of “Arie mementos” and now they’re smashing all of them. She starts with the race car.

~ GUYS! ABC needs to stop bringing up Arie. Just stop. But I mean thank you for giving Becca a cute belt at least, and bringing Lil Jon on this season. 

~ That “cute belt” comment is exactly why I’m not doing this by myself. Didn’t even notice it. In other news, the number on the race car was 25. It was very big.

~ Recap: Connor can’t throw a picture frame against a tree and allow a production assistant to place it in the pool (I’m not budging on this theory), but Becca and Blake can smash her old boyfriend’s “belongings”.

~ Wait..isn’t smashing a mirror bad luck?

~ She just smashed a TV! BECCA! THAT TV HAD A FAMILY!

~ If this were an English class I’d be talking about the symbolism in destroying old memories and making new ones with Blake, but it’s not so I won’t.

~ It’s time for dinner by a fireplace and the small round table that’s on every one-on-one date in Bachelor/ette history, has made an appearance! Still sturdy as ever.

~ Blake says he’s not nervous but he just said “like” four times in the span of two sentences.

~ Blake tells her that he fell hard for his last girlfriend. One time, while she was in the bathroom, he saw texts from her friends come in on her phone asking her if she had broken up with him yet.

~ Guys, Blake’s story just broke my heart, if he doesn’t marry Becca he better be the bachelor. (I would audition, you have my word).

~ At Harrison Manor, the third date card is for: Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo aka Tarzan, Wills, and Colton.

~ The detective from Twin Peaks (Jason) and Man Bun Mike aren’t getting a date this week.

~ Neither is Joey Grocery, who got sent home on the first night. Forever in our hearts produce section.

~ Back on the date, no food has been consumed, but Hair B&B have permanent smiles on their faces.

~ Hair B&B (it’s like 3 puns in 1) is their couple name, so says me. Also in the running was, Beccake and Blecca.

~ They’re now kissing against a wall in a dark alley and that villain Chris Harrison seems to have gotten away.

~ Time for the third date and the men are boarding a school bus. Seat belts, everyone!

~ Why is there a school bus where the limos should be?

~ “Becca looks amazing, but she smells even better.” – Colton is giddy

~ They enter a school gymnasium and three kids are hurling balls at them. The girl in the headband is taking no prisoners.

~ These kids are ruthless, I love them.

~ They’re divided into two teams and a game of dodgeball has commenced.

~ Becca’s team has decided to hide behind her because no guy will throw at Becca, right?

~ Wrong. Right out of the gate, Christon hits Becca.

~ The guys are now being transported to a trampoline dodgeball arena, where Chris Harrison is doing commentary with Fred Willard. Who?

~ Fred talks about his time at a nudist colony where they played volleyball, so he’s qualified for this.

~ Tarzan has put his hair in a man bun. Could it be an ode to Mike?

~ Tarzan is always the last man (bun) standing on the Pink team.

~ Leo with the winning lines again: “Winning doesn’t come from bicep curls.” I can’t stop laughing.

~ In the best-of-three series, the Green team won. Representing the Green team was: it doesn’t matter.

~ That was three lame dodgeball games…next.

~ Everyone is going to the after party. Whereas in Arie’s season, the losing team was always sent home. This must be the Krystal Rule in effect.

~ “I feel like you’re the girl version of me.” – Garrett

~ Colton has a secret, can he keep it? No. He had a relationship with Tia, who was on last season and is friends with Becca.

~ Let’s check in on Cass once again…

~ OMG COLTON OMG

~ TIA WHY DID THIS NOT WORK!!! I NEED ANSWERS.

~ Colton and Tia had a weekend together and he didn’t think they could grow a spark into a flame.

~ Fire analogy, bro.

~ Relationships = The fire making challenge on Survivor. Noted.

~ Becca says she feels “a little bit sick” about this.

~ Maybe she should have Colton run the obstacle course to see if she can trust him.

~ It’s time for the cocktail party.

~ New Moral Compass Clay brings her outside to teach her a touchdown celebration.

Stat of the Night: Clay had 8 TDs in 7 NFL seasons.

~ OH NO, THE TOUCHDOWN DANCE IS THAT FLOSS DANCE THAT CHILDREN DO.

~ Clay, that dance wasn’t even around the last time you got a touchdown.

~ The end of the celebration is a kiss. An NFL ref has appeared and thrown a flag on the play for excessive celebration.

~ John just got a kiss and his poem was adorable, please keep him around.

~ Connor gives her a picture of himself and tells her to throw it in the pool. I guess they’re even now.

~ Meanwhile, Model J is walking around in his underwear because he wants Becca to like him for his personality.

~ Is anyone else listening to Jordan?

~ Pretty sure he has baby oil on.

~ “Tic tok let’s make this thing rock.” Shut up, Jordan.

~ David the Chicken gets interrupted by Model J and says that’s not what Becca wants to see.

~ Well, did she want to see you in a chicken costume on night one? She can’t tell your future children she was swept away by Foghorn Leghorn.

~ Maybe cocka doodle doo not do that? It’s a feather in your cap, sure, but what happens when you lay an egg at a Rose Ceremony? Okay, I’m done.

~ Model J doesn’t want to be interpreted as Mr. 007.

~ He’s sitting on a leather couch in nothing but his underwear, with his leg crossed like he’s a guest on a talk show.

~ Are there no Italians in the group? Why is no one racing over to put plastic on the couch?

~ I think Jordan is trying to have a million memes made after him with all these lines…

~ “I’m not just some guy with hair”. Get over yourself hunny, just stop Jordy.

~ Foghorn is now confronting Model J about the respectfulness of his appearance.

~ Model J wants to cluck him.

~ JORDAN JUST DID CHICKEN NOISES IN HIS ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW. I’m too good.

~ Did anyone else notice that Jason’s body language in the corner while Jordy & David are talking, is amazing? He clearly is trying not to laugh but ABC cut him out.

~ David the Chicken is fighting so hard to show that Model J was disrespectful. He says he wants Becca to see that he’s genuine.

~ “It’s called ingenuinity.” – Model J

~ If this were an English class…..

~ Becca and Connor sit down for another chat.

~ Connor is trying to show her that he’s a good, honest guy, but Becca doesn’t want to invest anything into this without doing her research.

~ She really wants to text Tia and stalk his Instagram, in other words.

~ Not sure why, but Connor is really growing on me this episode and it’s only the first cocktail party.

~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony and Sir Chris of Harrison Manor greets her with a hug and she whispers in his ear, “You might’ve gotten away in the alley, but if it weren’t for those meddling kids, we would’ve captured you by now.” Or something like that.

~ Why is Jordan still wearing a blanket for the Rose Ceremony…put some clothes on.

~ Eddie from Friends aka Chris R. gets the first rose. Wait, is this the same Chris R. who was the drug dealer in The Room??

~ The detective from Twin Peaks gets the second rose.

~ John the Poet gets a rose.

~ New Moral Compass Clay gets a rose.

~ Man Bun Mike gets a rose.

~ Connor the Framethrower gets a rose.

~ Tarzan gets a rose.

~ Foghorn gets a rose.

~ Garrett gets a rose.

~ Nick gets a rose.

~ Ryan the Banjoist with no banjo, gets a rose.

~ Christon gets a rose.

~ Why is Jordan still talking? You are not an alpha, we get it you’re a model.

~ Model J gets a rose.

~ Lincoln the “cry guy” gets a rose.

~ It’s the final rose of the evening.

~ It goes to Colton. Obviously.

~ Alex didn’t get a rose and is crying outside. Poor guy just wants to be loved. Doesn’t everyone.

~ Alex crying is the saddest thing, you can tell he was there for the right reason and ABC was like: Nah, bye.

~ Trent and Rickey also went home.

~ Whoa, my Top 5 is still alive this week. We live to see another day!

Thanks again, Cass, for adding your insights and subtracting your ice cream!

Thanks for reading!

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