Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Peter) – Ep. 2

It’s always fun when the College Football National Championship Game is going up against The Bachelor. If you want to describe America to someone, these are the two things you force them to watch. It’s all there.

As Becky can attest to, I was hypnotized by the first half hour of it. The only thing missing from the pre-game theatrics was a rapper, who doesn’t actually rap, but instead, says their name every five seconds, in between pulling up their pants.

Other than that, everything you need to know about America was on that field.

Let’s get to my Bachelor viewing notes. They are great. Again.

GROUP DATE (Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna from Canada, Alayah, and Savannah)

~ We pick up with Peter Pilot and Hannah Beast, crying on a couch. This feels like a game of Clue. The cameraman is spying on them from behind a wall?

~ CAN WE NOT GET A CLEAN SHOT FROM CAMERA THREE?

~ Hannah doesn’t know if she made the right decision about Peter on her season.

~ Meanwhile, Peter’s new girlfriends are hard at work on whatever they’re going to be performing, but they’re starting to wonder where he went.

~ Peter and Hannah are getting awfully snugly on this couch.

~ “I can’t do this.” – Peter.

Neither can we, Peter. Neither can WE.

~ Hannah has gotten all the sparkles from her dress all over Peter’s jeans. God, please let the other girls pick up on this.

~ Peter tells the camera he wanted to kiss her. He also admits he probably didn’t handle this the right way.

~ Yeah, maybe don’t let your ex-girlfriend host a date for you and nine of your new girlfriends.

~ Peter is now rounding everyone up for a talk.

~ He says he’s not in the right headspace to continue with the day portion of this date and it has nothing to do with that fact that he’s covered in Hannah’s glitter from head to toe.

~ “Every day I’ve seen you, I’ve seen her, which sucks for us.” – Natasha

~ TELL ‘EM.

~ It’s time for the night portion and the women are starting to realize they have barely talked to the guy they now call, “boyfriend”.

~ Oh, great. Every one-on-one chat is going to rehash the day and how frustrated they are by the situation.

~ STOP DOING THIS SAME STUPID STORYLINE EVERY SEASON. WE ARE SICK OF IT. SHOW US THEIR ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS. WE KNOW THEY SAY OTHER WORDS.

~ Peter is on a full-blown PR tour, Bachelor style.

~ If I learn one thing about any of these girls tonight, I’ll let you know.

~ Sydney says she’s from Alabama but doesn’t consider herself to be a traditional southern girl. They kiss.

~ These group dates are like watching people talk in a waiting room. It’s uncomfortable. Can’t they all just stare at a TV in the corner and ignore each other?

~ Sydney gets the group date rose.

COCKTAIL PARTY

~ “Hello Lay Deeeeze.” – Peter

~ He apologizes to the group for the whole Hannah ordeal.

~ This immediately makes Lexi feel better because she thinks Peter must feel strongly about doing this whole process.

~ He’s under contract, Lexi. He better feel strongly about doing this.

~ Peter got Lexi a little red convertible (she arrived in one on Night #1) so she can play with it, as if she’s me at Age 6. I’m touched.

~ Kelsey has been saving a bottle of champagne for a whole year. She’s going to open it tonight and share it with Peter.

~ Mykenna from Canada steals Peter away before Kelsey could get the chance. Kelsey is getting impatient because Peter knows nothing about her yet.

~ And now Kelsey is telling Mykenna from Canada it wasn’t fair that she took Peter away, when she had time with him last night.

~ If you want uninterrupted, one-on-one time with the lead, DON’T GO ON A SHOW WHERE YOU HAVE TO SHARE THEM WITH 29 OTHER PEOPLE.

~ Am I the only person that understands this concept?

~ Peter tells Madison it feels like they’ve been dating for years. Peter has lost all track of time.

~ He got her a framed photo of them with his parents and brother. It’ll be awkward when she has to crop all of them out of it.

~ But for now, I hope she puts it on display. That’ll be a good storyline.

#CHAMPAGNEGATE

~ Uh-oh, Hannah Ann is about to open Kelsey’s champagne bottle because she left it unattended!

~ POP GOES THE BOTTLE. HEADS TURN.

~ Kelsey and the other girls hear it. Here comes the pain. Here come the tears.

~ Kelsey is going to see if it was her champagne bottle they opened. It was. You know what that means.

~ We have entered full meltdown mode. Everyone grab a meltdown buddy. If you don’t have one, one will be assigned to you.

~ One of the producers could’ve stopped Hannah Ann from opening the forbidden bottle, but no, why stop the train wreck?

~ Tammy is finally clueing Hannah Ann in on the fact that Kelsey brought this wine bottle from home.

~ Who brings their own bottles on The Bachelor? That’s like showing up to a classroom with your own desk. IT’S ALREADY THERE.

~ Imagine putting an IKEA desk together while the teacher is reading from the Powerpoint slides? That’s an SNL skit waiting to happen.

~ Kelsey goes out to Hannah Ann to tell her off, accusing her of doing this on purpose.

~ Why does everyone go on this show and forget how to be logical?

~ Peter and Kelsey go sit down with a new champagne bottle. Kelsey drinks it straight from the bottle and it explodes all over her face.

~ That’s what happens when you mess with the champagne Gods.

~ But who shook that bottle up? Was there a second shaker? Is this a set-up?

~ Kelsey is going after Hannah Ann again. This is so dumb.

~ She’s mad at Hannah Ann for finding a champagne bottle in the Bachelor mansion and assuming it was for communal use.

~ You can’t walk five feet in this house without finding a bottle. How was Hannah Ann supposed to know?

~ If that champagne bottle meant so much to you, LEAVE IT AT HOME.

~ Don’t bring valuables to school. That’s the first rule of The Bachelor.

~ I know she wanted to save the champagne for a special occasion, but does this really qualify?

~ If anything, this could be a tactic to force Peter into keeping her around, even though he doesn’t really know her yet, because man, how awful would it look for him to send home the girl who brought the champagne bottle from home? He couldn’t possibly do that. Bam, you made it to Week 5.

~ This is why I could never be the bachelor. I’d be sniffing out ploys, left and right, even if they aren’t ploys.

~ “Oh, you like me? WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT.”

~ #ParanoidPaul would be trending on Twitter every Monday night.

~ “I’m real, you’re calculated.” – Kelsey

ROSE CEREMONY

~ Mykenna from Canada gets the first rose.

~ Victoria P., Natasha, and Jasmine get roses.

~ Sarah gets a rose. Good, I like her.

~ Lexi, Hannah Ann, Alexa, Tammy, Alayah, Deandra, Victoria F., Shiann, Kiarra, Savannah all get roses and we’re down to the final rose.

~ Hannah Ann has nine letters in her name, but only three of them are different. The more you know.

~ The final rose goes to….Kelsey. He was so impressed that she got mad about a champagne bottle.

~ Lauren is going home? This is an early round bracket busting upset. She was one of the good ones, Peter. ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.

~ I’m doing the rest of these notes under protest.

In Lauren’s bio on the ABC website (I do research for this stuff, sadly) she said she holds exit interviews with all her ex-boyfriends to see where things went wrong.

Can next week’s episode just be a 2-hour interview where she grills Peter like she’s Barbara Walters?

~ The remaining girls, and Peter, gather for a toast. They encourage Kelsey to give the toast, but she says no, so Hannah Ann does it. Kelsey is the opposite of happy.

~ And then there were 19…

GROUP DATE (Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F., Kelsey, Hannah Ann)

~ It’s a date to a clothing store called, Revolve. Never heard of it, but if you rearrange its letters, it becomes, Lovveer. Sounds like a shell company in France.

~ The girls will be modelling in a fashion show. They will be judged on style, technique, and personality.

~ The winner will get a full wardrobe, worth thousands of dollars.

~ If this were a game show in the 80s, they’d receive a rinky-dink piece of luggage and LOVE it.

~ I forgot Peter was even on this date. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll get to know them better another time.

~ Victoria F. hates group dates. Don’t we all.

~ This date is about showing personality because watching women walk down a runway is the quickest way for Peter to figure out who he likes.

~ Hannah Ann comes out in a wedding dress because her personality is…impatient?

~ Kelsey comes out with a champagne bottle. This is cham-painful.

~ Hannah Ann and Victoria F. are selected as the top two to compete in the Final Walk Off.

~ In this round, they will walk out at the same time while wearing the same dress. Whoever looks better, wins. I think. I have no clue.

~ Hannah Ann is the winner. To steal a wrestling term, which I must do every week, she’s getting a major push.

~ The night portion of the date will be at a greenhouse, so their relationships can grow?

~ What has Peter done in the first two episodes to show these women that he could be their potential husband, and vice versa?

~ Peter pulls Victoria F. aside and tells her he was very impressed with her walk.

~ “The way you put one foot in front of the other, wowee, I couldn’t stop watching. Like, where would you put your left foot next? I just had to find out.”

~ She’s not feeling it.

~ I missed some stuff while I was typing a fake quote, but I think she’s upset that there are so many other girls.

~ He’s wondering how she went from looking so confident on the runway, to feeling like this.

~ She’s buttering you up for a rose. That’s how. Just watch.

~ Peter brings a champagne bottle over to Kelsey. They will drink it out of a glass this time. She won’t get fooled twice.

~ “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.” – George Bush

~ Kelsey goes back to sit with the girls and is looking happy and confident.

~ Hannah Ann tells Peter she was crying last night because Kelsey was mean to her, crushed her spirit, and bullied her.

~ She’s telling him this because she doesn’t like that Kelsey came back to the group looking all confident after her chat, right? RIGHT?

~ “I’m not a champagne stealer.” – Hannah Ann

~ Victoria F. gets the group date rose because she played the “this is so hard for me” role perfectly, so Peter knew giving her a rose would make her feel better.

~ That’s a move straight out of the Bachelor handbook. It’s all about the game and how you play it, kids.

~ Peter is now pulling Kelsey aside to ask her why she’s a bully.

~ Kelsey says she didn’t have a problem with Hannah Ann until she realized Hannah Ann knowingly opened HER champagne bottle.

~ She is denying the bullying allegations.

~ I mean, the video replay shows Kelsey lashing out at Hannah Ann and not being understanding.

~ If this were school, he’d tell her to apologize to Hannah Ann. She’d do it, but wouldn’t mean it, and then they’d avoid each other at recess.

~ “I don’t think she understands what that word (bully) actually means.” – Kelsey

~ Kelsey doesn’t understand why Hannah Ann brought this up to Peter.

~ IT’S BECAUSE YOU LOOKED SO HAPPY AFTER YOUR CHAT WITH PETER AND SHE DIDN’T WANT TO SEE YOU THAT HAPPY — NOT AFTER MAKING HER FEEL BAD THE NIGHT BEFORE.

~ This show is all about making your competition feel bad about themselves. Do they not know this?

~ They need to put me on this show as a narrator.

~ In the preview for next week, DEMI IS BACK. My prayers have been answered.

~ There is also a preview for the rest of the season.

~ You know how condiments sometimes fall out of your burger? That’s what this season is. Just a bunch of condiments going splat.

~ Still mad Lauren went home.

See you all next week.

What were your thoughts on this episode? Was #ChampagneGate overblown? Do you know anything about any of the people on this show? 

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50 Thoughts XXX

1. Sometimes humour comes from a place of pain, like when I hit my funny bone on a door frame the other day.

2. I don’t trust squirrels. They’re either going to jump on my head, or untie my shoelaces, but they haven’t yet because they’re luring me into a false sense of security.

3. I watched Home Alone 3 over the holidays for the first time since I was a kid. It’s actually not terrible.

4. There was a kid in my Grade 9 gym class who told the teacher he didn’t complete his Health assignment because he was too busy “birthday planning”. He was dead serious. The teacher was holding back a laugh. I still laugh about this.

5. NFL referees should just drop the penalty flag beside them, instead of throwing it at the players. We get it, you used to be the quarterback of your high school team 45 years ago.

6. The teacher to student ratio in the Hogwarts Dining Hall is suboptimal.

7. There never seems to be a blizzard on New Year’s Eve. I just want there to be mayhem going on in Times Square behind Anderson Cooper.

8. 1980 will always feel like it was 20 years ago.

9. The only people who still say “New Year, New Me” are doing so mockingly.

10. Every time a band makes a new album, they say it’s a “departure from their previous sound”. Did they put their instruments on a raft?

11. It should be against the law to attend a holiday party when you’re sick.

12. Unrelated to #11, if you eat a spicy chicken sandwich while you have a sore throat, you won’t taste the spiciness at all. Test Subject: Me.

13. I’m tired of sport broadcasters asking, “Did the league get it right?” every time a player is suspended.

14. I know “Pamplemousse” means grapefruit in French, but it sounds like it means “Pommel Horse”.

15. I forgot what green grapes tasted like, since I’ve only been eating red grapes for the last five years.

16. Chris Daughtry should keep going on singing shows until he wins. I’m still mad he came in 4th on American Idol.

17. Friends is still on Netflix in Canada.

17.5 Doesn’t matter to me, I’m only saying this so my American readers know.

18. How do figure skaters spin 1000 times and then skate perfectly down to the other end of the rink?

19. The Circle on Netflix is so good.

20. I’ve had seven bowls of soup this year, which puts me on pace to shatter my previous personal best.

21. Why is a bowl of soup so filling? I had it for lunch the other day and had to push back dinner time by two hours, I was so stuffed.

22. Every character in every TV show looks like they just got a haircut.

23. What is Regis Philbin up to these days?

24. The beginning of the third Harry Potter movie is a combination of Up, Willy Wonka and Frankenstein.

25. My mom brags to our Italian relatives that I know how to cook and they’re all shocked because apparently Italian men don’t know how to do anything in the kitchen.

26. There should be a character in The Walking Dead who calls themselves the chairman of the hoard.

27. Twenty years from now, a student will ask their teacher: “Why didn’t they just shut down Twitter in 2020, so no one would say anything that could end the world?”

28. I’ve been meaning to update my About page, but that would mean I’d have to read what’s currently there. I’m not prepared to do that.

29. Tweets that have poor grammar and punctuation are more likely to go viral.

30. I’m the only person who seems to lose weight over the holidays. I don’t know how I do it.

31. It always bugs me when there is a spelling mistake on the ticker of a sports/news network.

32. There’s an unspoken bond between people who played MVP Baseball 2005 when they were a kid.

33. Rugby Sevens and Lacrosse are two sports that deserve more attention.

34. There should be a word for non-bloggers. I nominate, “Buggles”.

34.5 This was inspired by, “Muggles”.

35. We need to get Kaitlyn Herman back in the Big Brother house.

36. If you have an oatmeal cookie for a snack, it should be called an oatsnack cookie.

36.5 Gonna wait to see if this joke lands.

36.75 Nope, it’s still soaring.

37. Katie Nolan is vastly under-utilized at ESPN.

38. Few things will ever be as wholesome as the Care Bear Countdown.

39. Sports need more video montages.

40. I want to go to the Olympics one day, in whatever capacity they’ll have me. Fan, athlete, employee, mascot, ray of sunshine, etc. It doesn’t matter to me.

41. Eleven years ago, I had vanilla ice cream with sprinkles and strawberries, in a plastic bowl. I’m still traumatized by how bad it was.

42. Ever just wake up and immediately break into a cough because you’re choking?

43. The songs, “Higher” and “My Sacrifice” by Creed, carry so many memories for wrestling fans.

44. STOP WITH THE FOOT FUNGUS COMMERCIALS AFTER DINNER.

45. “Why’d the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it.” – Gordon Ramsay

46. The best thing about Blockbuster was being able to rent video games you’d never buy. Rugrats: Scavenger Hunt, for Nintendo 64, comes to mind.

47. We’re about six months away from someone writing a movie called, Reboot: The Reboot, aren’t we?

48. Pluto will always be a planet, to me.

49. New Movie Idea: A NASA telescope discovers a new planet that has civilization on it and it becomes their mission to make contact with them. There would be at least 15 movies in the series because it would probably take that long to do it.

50. It’s called a couch because the guy who invented it is named, Jay Wellingdon Couch.

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Hannah Upp

The other night I watched a documentary about an American teacher named, Hannah Upp. She was living in the U.S. Virgin Islands when she went missing in 2017, around the time of Hurricane Irma and Maria. It was the third time she had gone missing.

The first time was in 2009. She was living in New York and was found, alive, three weeks later – floating, face down, in the Hudson River.

THE HUDSON RIVER.

The second time she went missing was in 2013. She reappeared after two days.

In 2017, she went missing for a third time and still hasn’t been found.

She has a rare condition known as a dissociative fugue, which is a temporary form of amnesia. The media calls it Jason Bourne Syndrome. She forgets who she is and it takes days, months, or maybe years to snap out of it.

That is terrifying. To just wander around, not knowing who you are, and not even aware that people are trying to find you. If people went up to her and asked if she’s Hannah, she’d say no.

All three times she went missing were right after school started, so they’re assuming something about that acted as a trigger, perhaps the stress of it.

The first time Hannah went missing, they found surveillance of her at an Apple store. She logged into her Gmail account, but immediately logged out. Her mom still sends her emails, hoping her daughter finds them and remembers who she is.

A psychologist attributed that to muscle memory (potentially), rather than her knowing who she was and what she was doing.

The whole thing is scary to think about, but to her family and friends, it’s a reality they have to wake up to every day.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this today. If you want to know more about it, feel free to look into it with a Google search. I’m sure I left out a bunch of details.

Have you heard about this story before? Were you aware of what a dissociative fugue was?

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Peter) – Ep. 1

Welcome back to Viewing Notes for this season of The Bachelor, featuring third-place finisher on last season of The Bachelorette, Peter Weber. Peter is a pilot, looks like every bachelor that has come before him, and is referred to as Pilot Pete by the fans.

Not me, though. I call him Peter Pilot. It reminds me of Reader Rabbit.

Peter is back to find his wife among a group of women who have no less than 5000 Instagram followers to their name. Will he do it?

I hope you enjoy my witty commentary as we get through this gruelling three-hour premiere together.

PLAY

~ The show starts with a flash forward of Chris Harrison, telling Peter on the day of the final rose ceremony(?) that he just received some news (probably regarding one of the girls). Peter looks stunned and goes to lie down.

~ That was very How To Get Away With Murder of them. Let’s start the show.

~ Chris Harrison is driving Peter around LA. This is mercifully replacing the typical, “Bachelor seductively washes their upper body in the shower” scene we normally get.

~ Time to watch video packages of some of the women.

~ First up is Alexa – she’s a caregiver and loves caring for people. That makes sense.

~ Hannah Ann is next – she’s from Knoxville, Tennessee and is a model.

Can’t stop singing, Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann (to the tune of Barbara Ann by The Beach Boys) in my head. This is gonna be a thing. So sorry, Hannah Ann.

~ Tammy is from Syracuse and can out wrestle you on a mat. She also flips houses. So, stand back.

~ Victoria Paul is next. Well, at least we finally got a Paul on the show. She’s a nurse.

~ Kelley is an attorney and works with her entire family. She ran into Peter in a lobby at her best friend’s wedding and sees this as a major sign.

~ Ominous music played over her video, that is also a major sign.

~ Madison is from Auburn and won not one, not two, not three, but four state basketball championships in high school. Her dad was the coach. She could be a contender.

~ Maurissa is a Patient Care Coordinator for plastic surgeons. She is a former Miss Montana Teen USA.

~ Chris welcomes Peter back to the mansion, wet driveway and all.

~ Peter has decided to wear a bow tie for the first night. Does he think this is an award show?

LIMO INTRODUCTIONS

~ Leading off is Alayah, who is an Orthodontist Assistant. Her grandma wrote Peter a letter, but didn’t tell her what she wrote. That’s intriguing.

~ Batting second is Sydney, from Alabama. Nice to see the show is continuing with the whole, “Let’s cast people from the same hometown as the person who dumped our lead.” I like Sydney.

~ Here comes Hannah Ann. “I love that name.” And with that, she just made it to the hometown dates.

~ Sarah tells him her stomach might leave her body. Then she looks at Peter and says, “Hubba Hubba.” I didn’t know people still said that. She seems like a real person, I like her. Getting some Jen Scheftt vibes.

~ Next is Lauren and I think I have my third favourite already. None of them better go home on night one.

~ Victoria Paul has arrived and they do a happy dance.

~ Mykenna, a fashion blogger from CANADA doesn’t get much of her intro aired because CanCon regulations don’t apply in America.

~ Maurissa makes a pinky promise with him.

~ Kelsey tells him that Hannah made a mistake letting him go. It’s the first time you’re meeting this guy and you’re talking about someone else. Why? Go back in the limo and do it again.

~ Eunice comes out of the limo wearing angel wings. She is a flight attendant.

~ Clearly, the angel wings are a callback to Jake Pavelka’s season where the tagline was, “On The Wings Of Love”. He was also a pilot. That was in 2010. You’re welcome.

~ Here comes Jade, who is also a flight attendant.

~ Megan is also a flight attendant. One more and they can start a band called, Flying High.

~ Madison shows up riding a big paper airplane. I had high hopes for her. I really did.

~ Tammy is screening him for objects he shouldn’t be carrying.

~ Shiann gives him a barf bag because he’s going to be having a lot of nauseating conversations tonight. Oh man.

~ When you think of this barf bag, I want you to think of me. That’s an anecdote for the grandkids.

~ Courtney arrives on a tricycle, but it’s retrofitted as an airplane. Poor lighting made it hard to see.

~ A man is wheeling in some luggage on a cart. In one of the suitcases is Kiarra.

~ “Are you a co-pilot or are you baggage?” – One of the girls. Clever.

~ Lexi drives up in a red corvette. She likes to go fast. THE GUY IS A PILOT, LEXI. AS IN PLANES.

~ Deandra shows up with a windmill on her back. Oh no. I’m not ready to revisit the whole Hannah and Peter in a windmill narrative from last season.

~ Payton arrives and says “Four times?” Again, I’m not addressing the windmill thing.

~ Jasmine also references the windmill, but in a different language. STOP IT.

~ Kylie also alludes to it.

~ Do I have to pull a Kiarra and pack myself into a suitcase? Don’t think I won’t.

~ Katrina has a hairless cat named Jasmine.

~ Victoria has a very dry sense of humour. She isn’t happy there is another Victoria and might have to be referred to as Victoria F.

~ Jenna shows up with an emotional support cow named, Ashley P., who is listed as a vegetarian. I wish I found this funny. I really do.

~ If I were the bachelor, the person who would make the biggest impression would be the one who arrives in a limo, exchanges awkward chit chat with me, and goes in the house. You know, a normal person. Enough with the props and gimmicks.

~ Savannah puts a blindfold on Peter and then kisses him on the lips. Uhhh that’s kinda very inappropriate??

~ Kelley comes out of the limo and Peter recognizes her. Oh thank God. I didn’t want to watch the whole “I don’t think he remembers me” storyline unfold.

~ Peter really likes to show off that he knows how to dance.

~ Alexa arrives. That’s it.

~ Avonlea arrives. That’s it.

~ Natasha looks at him. That’s it.

~ It’s time for the annual audio clip of, “No more girls, there are enough here already.”

~ Another big limo shows up and out comes Hannah from last season. God help us all.

~ “Hannah is here. Hannah Brown is here.” – The press has been alerted

~ Hannah returns a pin that Peter gave her on the first night, last season. And then she leaves because she has to go film Dancing With The Stars.

COCKTAIL PARTY

~ Peter sits down with Alayah and pulls out the letter her grandma wrote him. It’s the standard, “My granddaughter is great, you’ll love her.” I was hoping for something more.

~ “Peter, I was watching Wheel of Fortune the other night and solved the puzzle before any of the contestants, which means I know things before others. That being said, I just know I’ll be setting the table for you at Christmas. See ya soon, honey bun.” 

~ I am a scarily convincing grandma.

~ Maurissa gives him a high five and then they create a handshake. This is after they shared a pinky swear outside. Welcome to the friend zone.

~ Madison (the girl who showed up on a big paper airplane) takes Peter outside to throw big paper airplanes. Make it stop.

~ Chris Harrison has arrived with the first impression rose.

~ “Ohhh myyy gawwwwwsh.”

~ “Doesn’t that mean, you’re like, safe?” – This line made me crumble like I was a breadstick that got stepped on.

~ There are two hours left in this episode. TWO HOURS.

~ There are too many activity-based one-on-one chats tonight. Just sit down and talk. Make it easy on the cameramen.

~ Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann and her dad painted Peter a picture of the Smokey Mountains.

~ This is the first girl he kisses without wearing a blindfold.

~ Tammy handcuffs him and performs a security check. And then she goes in for a kiss.

~ Mykenna from Canada, throws paper airplanes at Peter while he’s talking to Natasha.

~ Natasha comes back with an even bigger paper airplane.

~ MAKE IT STOP.

~ Now Mykenna and Peter are kissing by the fire as Natasha watches them.

~ Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann is going in for a second conversation with Peter.

~ NOW SHE’S GOING BACK FOR A THIRD TIME.

~ This whole night is a gong show, but Lauren is now talking to him so things might go back to normal.

~ But we don’t even get to see their chat? That’s a boo-urns.

~ I like how the girls interrupt Peter’s conversations and then exchange fake compliments with the girl they’re sending away.

~ There’s been a lot of, “Hey, can I steal him for a second?” tonight, which is straight out of the SNL skit that mocks this show.

~ “If I get a rose tonight, it’ll be the first time I ever got a rose from a guy.” – Guilt Trippy McTripperson

~ Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann is getting the first impression rose, obviously. They’re practically married by now.

~ Mykenna from Canada is mad she didn’t get the rose and is questioning things.

~ YOU’VE KNOWN HIM FOR 43 MINUTES.

ROSE CEREMONY

~ The first rose goes to Victoria Paul. Way to represent.

~ Madison gets rose number two. Well buckle my shoe.

~ Kelley gets the third rose.

~ Lexi gets a rose.

~ Savannah gets a rose, despite the blindfold stunt.

~ Lauren gets a rose. Phew.

~ Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, and Natasha each get a rose.

~ Mykenna from Canada gets a rose.

~ Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, and Shiann get roses.

~ Victoria “Don’t say my last initial” F. gets the final rose.

~ Maurissa – the one with the pinky promise and elaborate handshake, is going home. She deserved better.

GROUP DATE #1 (Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria Paul, Jasmine, and Victoria F.)

~ It’s time for the first group date, but first, Peter is cleaning his plane without a shirt on. The producers just can’t live without a topless scene that includes water, can they?

~ Peter is flying over the mansion and the girls are freaking out because they’ve never seen a plane before.

~ The girls are going to be put through flight school. The first lesson is math. Oh, here we go!

~ A bunch of them guessed that 1 mile is equivalent to 30,000 feet. That should be an automatic eviction.

~ Now they’re each going to ride the orbitron, which is a thing that will spin them around and make them feel like puking.

Victoria Paul is terrified of this because she couldn’t even handle the tea cups ride at the local carnival when she was a kid.

~ She definitely told the producers that story during casting.

~ Peter appreciates that she would willingly get motion sickness just for him.

~ The girls now have to go through an obstacle course to prove they are ready to be Peter’s co-pilot.

~ Kelley won the obstacle course, even though she cheated. The producers aren’t going to disqualify her because alone time between Peter and the girl he’s already met, is exactly what they wanted.

~ Peter takes her flying. Did you know he’s a pilot?

~ The rest of the girls are at a Four Seasons Hotel, complaining that Kelley cheated.

~ Oh look, Kelley just walked in.

~ The girls haaaaaate her.

~ She says she “was just going with it” and didn’t know “the rules would be extremely strict”. Sounds like something a cheater would say!

~ This just so happens to be the exact hotel where Peter and Kelley met a month ago. Well, knock me over and roll me up like a sleeping bag, what are the odds?

~ The producers knew this.

~ “I didn’t know they made guys like that.” – Victoria Paul, after Peter gives her flowers that he poached from outside.

~ Kelley interrupts Shiann’s conversation with Peter, so they can go re-enact the time they met in the lobby.

~ Oh, yay.

~ Kelley is getting the group date rose because none of the other girls met him in this hotel.

~ “The rest of us didn’t even have a chance. It’s just not fair.” – Shiann

~ Maybe next week, they can all go on a group date to the front of the Bachelor mansion so they can all re-enact the time they met Peter.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Madison)

~ Peter is driving Madison somewhere, but where?

~ He brought her to his parents backyard, where they are going to renew their vows.

~ Peter is going to be the minister for this event. I’m fast-forwarding.

~ Peter’s mom likes Madison.

~ OF COURSE Madison catches the bouquet. She basically called a fair catch on the play. You think the producers would let anyone else catch it? Cousin Marlene isn’t coming in for the one-handed grab.

~ Madison has secured her spot in the Top 4 with this date.

~ I was questioning things when she showed up in a paper airplane, but she’s made a good impression here. Very poised. I’m adding her to my list of favourites.

~ I don’t know who Tenille Arts is, but she’s singing, which means Peter and Madison are dancing.

~ Google tells me that Tenille Arts is a 25-year-old country singer from Canada.

~ Now Peter’s family is joining them. Have they just been sitting in a trailer for the last three hours, waiting for this?

~ Cue the, “We’re supposed to dance, but don’t really want to” routine, that is customary at weddings. Just a bunch of people clapping and rocking side to side.

GROUP DATE #2 (Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna from Canada, Alayah, and Savannah)

~ Peter welcomes the group and says he’s asked a friend of his to plan this date.

~ The “friend” is Hannah Brown. Dun dun dunnnn.

~ Hannah is turning into Michael Myers in Halloween. It’s getting creepy.

~ Hannah tells the girls they’re all going to tell their own personal windmill-esque story to an audience. If you don’t know what that means, I’m not explaining it.

~ Peter and Hannah meet up and Hannah is crying because she’s finally realizing that the producers have made her appear twice on this episode, and act like she doesn’t still have feelings for Peter.

~ “What would you say if I asked you to come and be apart of that house?” – Peter

~ “Maybe. Oh my gosh.” – Hannah

~ This is basically AFTER the After the Final Rose.

~ Peter was sad that Hannah started talking to Tyler again after the show, but not him. She claims Peter never reached out.

~ “I thought you wanted to be the bachelor.” – Cut to a shot of Peter, who looks like he wants to say, “I’d rather be with you than date 36 flight attendants.”

~ The episode ends with a To Be Continued… Aren’t they all?

STOP

My favourites after the first episode are: Sarah, Sydney, Lauren, and Madison. Not necessarily in that order.

Thanks for reading and see you next week!

Let me know what you thought of this episode in the comments section. Who are your favourites?

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Drippy, Droopy, and Loopy

I love writing blog posts when I’m sick. Who knows what I’ll say? Who knows what’ll happen? Maybe my nose drips on the keyboard and my index finger slides off one letter and onto another, creating a word that I didn’t intend on hyping.

See, right there. I slid off the letter “t” and down to an “h” creating the word “hyping”, instead of “typing”.

I didn’t, actually, but I’m trying to make a point here.

Before we go any further, I just want to thank all of you who participated in Share Your Blog 2020. If you didn’t get a chance to introduce yourself and share your link in the comments section of that post, you’re not too late, it’s never too late. Head on over.

Also, I encourage all of you to keep going back to the comments section in case new bloggers roll in. Some came in today and I just want to make sure they get the same attention.

Thanks!

Alright, let’s see what comes out of my keyboard next.

There is no theme to this post. There is no over-arching idea. I’m simply forcing myself to write because I’m sick and want to see what words I can cook up while feeling this away.

This is like an experiment, but without a formal lab report. I hated those. Do I really need to write down the materials I used? YOU told us which materials to use. And I’m pretty sure everyone changed their Hypothesis after knowing the Results, as to not look completely clueless.

Man, the memories you think you’ve buried, and then BAM.

I was sick around Christmas with a sore throat, but it never developed into anything. It went away and I was good to go. Go where? Don’t know. Just good to go.

And then I woke up on January 1st and my legs were sore. Naturally, it prompted the question: Am I getting sick, or am I just old?

Four days later, I can confirm the soreness meant I was getting sick, which means there are still six more weeks of winter. No wait, that’s Groundhog Day.

My sore throat returned on New Year’s and on Friday night, it went away. In its place, I received a runny nose to go with my general aches and pains. It’s like my nose and throat are a tag team. I appreciate the one-at-a-time approach.

Saturday was a day where my head felt heavy, but on the surface I looked calm and ready to not move a muscle.

So this is where we are. My nose is operating with one lane open, so expect delays. Stay tuned for traffic, weather, and nose updates, together, on the ones.

I blew my nose earlier and my ear squeaked, so I guess I’m a cartoon character now? I haven’t Googled it, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

I watched both NFL playoff games on Saturday. I couldn’t help but laugh my way through whatever the end of the Buffalo/Houston game was. It was clear to me that neither team wanted to win.

I was hoping overtime would end in a tie and they’d both lose.

The New England Patriots are out, which means every football analyst in the world feels the need to say Tom Brady didn’t have a bad season, he just didn’t have any help.

Literally, every single analyst has said that since the game ended. Can you put me on TV? I’ll switch up the analysis and give people a reason to watch.

I want to talk about his hair and how it was perfectly combed the entire game. Is this guy immune to helmet hair? What about hat hair? What in the name of Head and Shoulders is going on there?

Excuse me, but I’m currently sneezing and can’t stop.

This Sneeze Delay is brought to you by Paul. Paul – the snack that smiles back.

Nope, that’s not it. That’s not the tagline. I am not a (overrated) goldfish cracker. Let’s try this again.

This Sneeze Delay is brought to you by Paul. Paul – one syllable says it all.

Alright, we’re back. If you want to sponsor a future Sneeze Delay, let me know.

By the way, what’s with people blowing their nose with only one Kleenex? That stuff is not a towel. Your mucus will break on through to the other side.

I don’t know if adults do this, but my mind was suddenly hit with an image of my classmates back in elementary school, blowing their nose with one Kleenex. Layer up, man!

I saw a tweet the other day that said something along the lines of: If you’re able to write while listening to songs that have lyrics, there is something messed up with you.

What? I only write while listening to songs with lyrics. You think I sit here and type in silence? Who do you think I am, Dan “Don’t call me Joe” Humphrey?

I’ve always been this way. You think these magical words happen because of silence? Heck no. Put on some music and let me start typing. Eventually, I won’t even notice the music is there.

When I’m done a post, I’ll look at my list of music and wonder how I went through so many songs. Is anyone else like this? Let’s form an alliance.

Being sick is the worst. You get to a point where you don’t even remember what life is like when you’re not sick.

It’s like: Oh yeah, I used to be able to stand and not feel like I’m balancing a bowling ball on my head.

Or: I miss being able to look down without Niagara Falls emerging from my nose.

I ate lunch and dinner today, but didn’t feel the food go to my stomach. I don’t know if it got lost and is headed for my pinky toe, or what. But I didn’t feel full, and I didn’t feel like I ate anything. That’s not normal, right?

I forgot to mention at the start, but my eyes feel huge. I don’t think that’s an important detail, but I’ve typed it, so it’s a apart of this now.

Maybe I am a goldfish cracker?

Alright, let’s wrap this up so I can go wrap myself in blankets.

In the coming days, there might be a 50 Thoughts post for you, as well as the return of my Bachelor Viewing Notes on Tuesday. So, if you enjoy me writing about people “falling in love” on TV, get ready for the most traumatic season yet.

For me. It’ll be traumatic for me.

Definitely meant to say dramatic and not traumatic.

Thank you for reading!

I’m going to go blow my nose and try not to squeak out of one ear like Thomas the Tank Engine.

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Share Your Blog 2020

Hello out there, it’s time to share!

As bloggers, community is everything. We sit here and type out our precious thoughts, as if we’re talking to ourselves, but then we realize someone, who lives in a faraway place where they don’t know what bagged milk is, heard us. And that feels good.

We’re a support system, motivating each other to write more and more. But sometimes it’s hard finding new bloggers to follow.

Now that I’ve buttered you up, let’s roll.

That was a bread and butter joke. We like food here.

Exactly one year ago, I did this exact same post – Share Your Blog 2019. I asked bloggers to introduce themselves in the comments section and add a link to their blog.

75 bloggers participated and many new connections were made. The comments section was bumping. Did I use that word correctly? It’s 2020, I’m trying new words around here. I’m feeling self-conscious about it, though.

Anyway, we’re doing it again. We’re going to start the year out right, so I hope you brought your appetite.

If you want to meet new bloggers, introduce yourself in the comments section below and leave a link to your blog. It could be a link to your homepage, or to one of your favourite posts.

If I were to leave a comment, I’d say something like this:

Hi, I’m Paul! You can call me Paul. My blog, The Captain’s Speech, is six and a half years old, which means it starts Grade 2 in the fall. When I’m not comparing it to a child, I’m comparing it to an all you can eat buffet – there’s something for everyone and mints on your way out. I try to incorporate humour into as many of my posts as I can because laughing is important. My goal is to keep your interest for every single word, without skipping any, or getting bored. If I feel like you’re skimming, I’ll put some words in italics or bold, to draw you back in and make you think they are more important. Here’s a link to my blog, feel free to say hello, or goodbye. You pick.

Just be yourself. They’re just words, you just have to pick the right ones.

TO RECAP:

1. Introduce yourself in the comments section below
2. Talk about yourself/your blog
3. Leave a link to your blog
4. Interact with the other bloggers who comment

Optional: To spread the word and really get this comment section bumpin’ (I dropped the ‘g’, did it make a difference?), feel free to include a link to this post in your next blog post. Just say, “Hey, Paul made me do it!” or something.

Let’s try and spread this like a virus in flu season. But not literally. Sneeze and cough into your sleeve.

Last year, we got 75 bloggers. This year, let’s get more. Don’t let me down, it’s only the second day of the year.

And remember, sharing is daring! Or is it caring? Carolling?

Sharing is carolling, so let’s toot our horns and sing our own praises. Bam.

Thank you!

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 113 Comments

It Started In 2010

Time is not always fair. It can make you wait, or it can make you miss. Somewhere in between those two events is what we call the present. It is right now. And now. And now. And now. It is a moving target, defined by stillness. It adds up and collects everything we do, to create everything we are.

I don’t know what it is about the end of this decade that has led to so many people wanting to recap the last ten years, but I’m assuming social media is to blame.

When in doubt, right?

Alright, I’ll play. For a bit. At least until I start sweating, or I get called inside for dinner.

Oh wait, I seem to have plagiarized that last sentence from my final blog post of the 90s. My bad. Not sure how that happened.

Let’s talk about 2010.

If you’re familiar with the professional wrestler, Mick Foley, the phrase, “Three Faces of Foley” might mean something to you. If not, it refers to the fact that he had three different personalities. Sometimes, he was Mankind. Sometimes, he was Dude Love. Sometimes, he was Cactus Jack.

In 2010, I feel like I went through the “Three Faces of Paul”.

The beginning of the year was my second semester of my first year at university. I had friends, I was comfortable, I liked where I was, but it felt like something was missing.

In February of that year, Team Canada was in the Gold Medal Hockey Game at the Olympics against Team USA. I remember where I was when Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal in overtime. I’m sure most Canadians do.

I was in my dorm room, watching it by myself.

I’m sure there was a group of people watching the game in the lounge, or in the cafeteria – in fact, I know there was.

At the end of the third period, I quickly ran across to pick up dinner at the cafeteria, knowing I had about 15 minutes to get back for overtime. I saw the crowds of people watching the game, but did I want to stay there with them? Absolutely not.

I said I had friends, but I never felt like I fully fit in with the larger group of people who normally hung out on my floor. They were nice people, we just never bonded.

I remember sitting in the lounge for the Super Bowl a few weeks before this gold medal game. I had my Astronomy notes in my lap (midterm the next day), the game in front of me, and a group of people around me.

I felt like I was there, but I wasn’t there.

That summer, I got a job at a camp. I went into it taking it very seriously. I didn’t want to mess up. And then the first day of camp arrived and it felt like someone was kicking me in the face, repeatedly.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know my campers’ names. I was there, but I wasn’t there.

There was a point where my campers had just finished “water play” and I had to help nine, five-year-old boys change out of their swimwear and back into their clothes.

It took me exactly one hour to do that.

My two female co-councelors wondered where I was because they had helped the girls change a long time ago and were already on to snack time.

Here’s the thing, the bathroom had a changing area and a shower area. We were not to use the showers. The shower area had two entrances, which means you could run in one end and out the other. Continuously.

My campers did that. They ran in a circle for an hour, laughing their heads off because I couldn’t get them to stop.

I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself, “If you can get through this, you can get through anything.”

We had just gone through a week of training and I didn’t want to do something wrong. I didn’t want to yell. I didn’t know what to do.

I was in hell and I was lost.

If it weren’t for one saint of a boy, who eventually stopped running around and asked me to help him get dressed, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten out of there. As soon as he did that, the other kids lost my attention, and one by one, they slowly came to get changed.

Reading what I just wrote, sounds silly. I’m aware. But I had never dealt with a group of kids before. I didn’t know the tricks. I learned quick, though.

A couple weeks later, one of the owners was walking by as I was taking my group inside and he said to me, “You’re doing a good job, keep it up.”

Man, that gave me the confidence boost of a lifetime. Eight words, that’s all he said, but they meant so much. They still do.

By the end of the summer, I felt like I had grown as a person. That’s terribly cliché and so 2019 to say, but it’s the truth.

I went back to school in the fall, feeling like a new person. And then I found myself back in residence during the first week, wondering why I could hear so many people having a good time on the other side of my door, but I was too afraid to join them.

Twelve months prior, all I ever wanted that first week was a knock at the door inviting me to join. And here I was, wanting that same thing again.

Being an introvert is a weird thing. I don’t know if I’d describe myself as shy, but I’m definitely not the type to just announce my presence in front of a new group of people and say, “Hey, can I join you?” Especially not in 2010.

I need an invite. Once I’m in, I feel like I can make those friendships.

Friday night of the first week of second year, I get a knock at the door. To this day, I attribute that knock to God.

I open my door and there is a sea of about twenty people staring at me. They invite me to dinner and the rest is history. I had found what was missing. These people quickly became my family.

I still remember that first dinner we all had. I couldn’t stop talking. I felt like a fountain of knowledge finally being tapped. They were so curious about my experience and what university was like.

Over the next few years, the family grew to the point where I felt like I had too many friends, but I wasn’t complaining. It was the best. They all brought out the best version of me and made my university experience what it was.

I said at the beginning of this post that time will make you wait, or it will make you miss. Well, I miss that. I probably always will.

Without those people, this blog doesn’t exist. They named me Captain.

There may or may not be a lot of few tears in my eyes right now.

That was my 2010. Three Faces of Paul. I felt like I finally transitioned out of who I was and into who I was meant to be.

And so, writing about the rest of the decade doesn’t really feel important to me. Sure, maybe that’s my “out”, my escape – my subtle way of admitting that I don’t want to talk about the years that don’t measure up. But so be it.

If this decade has opened my eyes to just one thing, it’s that time is always on time. We’re all on a different path, travelling at a different speed, but when we intersect with someone else, there’s a reason for it.

Sometimes you just need someone to pull you into the next version of yourself. You never know when it’ll happen, but when it does, you’ll know.

Ten years later, I’m sitting here writing a blog post, which will be read by a bunch of strangers – many of whom I consider friends. I could’ve never expected this, but looking back, it all makes perfect sense.

Every small moment has led to this moment.

I guess that’s why they say hindsight is 20/20.

Now, so is the future.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Not A Review: The Santa Clause 2

Welcome back to another award-eligible edition of “Not A Review”, where I use words to discuss a movie, but refrain from reviewing it. I would also use pictures and numbers as a means to convey my thoughts, but this isn’t an EQAO test.

If you had “EQAO Joke” on your Captain’s Speech bingo card, feel free to cross it off.

By the way, that was a joke that only four of you will understand. So, yeah, we’re off to a flying start.

Speaking of flying! Santa! Boom, transition.

The other night, The Santa Clause was on TV. And then The Santa Clause 2 came on. And then The Santa Clause 3 followedIt was a Ho-Ho-Ho of Christmas movies, if you will.

In the first movie, Santa Claus falls off Tim Allen’s roof and disappears into the night like a raccoon. However, the Santa suit remains on Tim’s front lawn with instructions that if anything were to happen to him, put on the suit, and the reindeer will know what to do.

Because when a man falls off your roof, you put on his clothes.

Tim Allen puts on the suit and becomes Santa Claus. His son is thrilled, while his ex-wife and her new husband, Neil, are like, “You can’t be Santa Claus, you’re Scott Calvin. You need help.”

The first movie was made in 1994 when Tim Allen was the star of Home Improvement, which might be the most 90s show there was, though Freaks & Geeks gave it a run for its money in 1999.

BY THE WAY, Tim Allen isn’t his real name. I’ll let you stumble upon the truth on Wikipedia and then you can come back and we can huddle together and say things like, “It’s gonna be okay” when it’s NOT GONNA BE OKAY because everything is a LIE. Is nothing sacred anymore!?

Now that you’re a mess of emotions all caught up, I can discuss The Santa Clause 2 because although I really like the original, the second movie gives me more content for jokes.

It took them until 2002 – eight years – to finally come out with The Santa Clause 2, which tells me the movie industry wasn’t leaning on sequels like a crutch, yet. Yeah, I said it.

The movie starts off and everything is all fine and dandy. Christmas is coming, Tim Allen has full immersed himself into the Santa Claus lifestyle, and Bernard the Elf doesn’t really look much older even though eight years have passed.

But ho-ho-hold on, trouble is brewing when Bernard and other elf, Curtis, tell Tim Allen there was a clause they overlooked when he first became Santa.

THE MRS. CLAUSE.

Oh, the punification. Punification is a word, trust me, I’m basically a pictionary. Or is it dictionary?

So, Tim freaks out that he has to get married. The deadline to do so is Christmas Eve, or else he can no longer be Santa Claus and millions of children will wake up without gifts.

It’s the classic, “Do this, or there will be severe consequences” movie plot.

Tim’s window to find a wife is tighter than the filming schedule of The Bachelor, so he rules out going on the show as an option. Instead, he returns back to his hometown to find a single lady who will accept a proposal within a few weeks.

Both those sentences are ridiculous, but one of them is true because FICTION.

Tim Tool Time Allen (if you don’t get the reference, I can’t help you) also finds out that his son, Charlie, is on the naughty list this year and was caught vandalizing school property by Principal Newman.

Classic case of child actor gone wild in their teenage years.

Since Charlie is now a 16-year-old bad apple, he can no longer fulfill the role of “cute innocent kid”. That role now goes to his little sister, Lucy.

Lucy is the daughter of Tim’s ex-wife and her husband, Neil. She is quite hip to the hop for a 6-year-old and is slowly figuring out that Uncle Tim is Santa Claus, but can’t confirm it with multiple sources. #JournalisticIntegrity

The main giveaway is that Uncle Tim has A REINDEER LIVING IN HIS BACKYARD. It’s Comet. He’s really gassy, which now makes sense because the internet tells me that comets release gas via a process called outgassing.

The more you know.

Tim Allen meets with the principal to fulfill his Dad Duties and we’re introduced to pretty much the only female character who will get enough screen time throughout the movie to even be considered a viable option to become Mrs. Claus – Principal Carol Newman.

Newman comes off as a strict principal, but like any wrestling heel, a face turn is eventually coming.

Back at the North Pole, Bernard and Curtis have created a Fake Santa, so the elves don’t know that Christmas might be cancelled if Tim can’t get someone to marry him within a few weeks.

Fake Santa is basically the Travelocity Gnome on steroids and though he starts out with good intentions, he quickly turns into Bad Santa and drafts toy soldiers into his army to help overrun the North Pole and hand out coal to children on Christmas.

Down in the mortal world, Tim and Principal Carol Newman are getting to know each other and this basically turns into an episode of Married At First Sight. He accompanies her in a horse-drawn sleigh to the faculty Christmas party and learns that her parents forced her to stop believing in Santa when she was a kid.

Well if this isn’t a prime opportunity for Tim to restore her faith in Santa Claus.

I should mention, Tim is going through the de-Santafication process. And you thought I made up words. He’s been slowly losing his beard, belly, and magical powers. This really helps the viewer gauge how much time is left in the film.

At the Christmas Party, Tim uses his magic to get everyone their dream Christmas present. He gets Carol the doll she just told him about in the sleigh.

Now she’s starting to question the logistics of this. How did he buy all these gifts? When did he wrap them? There wasn’t enough time! And then Tim makes mistletoe magically appear above them, instead of just saying, “Haven’t you seen Harry Potter? I’m a wizard.”

She would’ve understood that, but no. He tells her he’s Santa, she gets mad, and kicks him out.

Meanwhile, we find out that Charlie has been acting out because the kids at school brag about their dads being plumbers and pilots, whereas Charlie can’t one-up them and say his dad is Santa Claus.

Alright, how often are these kids bragging that their dads know how to fix a leaky faucet? How often are they telling Charlie that their dad flew a plane to Idaho? It has to be at least three times a week, right?

I mean, it’s gotta be so frequent that Charlie gets to the point where he turns to vandalizing school property as a means to express his anger. Right?

Thankfully, his little sister Lucy talks some sense into him and within seconds, he’s no longer mad at his dad for wanting to get married to the first single woman he finds.

By now, Tim is aware that Fake Santa is on a rampage.

Charlie ambushes Carol at her house, while she’s cleaning snow off her car. He shows her his magic snow globe and that convinces her Tim Allen is Santa Claus. That’s all it took?

In need of transportation back to the North Pole, Tim lures the Tooth Fairy to his house by tying a string to his tooth and flinging himself over the railing. As he’s falling, you can clearly see it’s a stunt double.

On the back of the Tooth Fairy, Tim returns to the North Pole. Charlie and Carol soon follow, as Charlie also pulled out a tooth. It should be noted that neither Charlie, nor his father, had gauze in their mouth to stop the bleeding from a missing tooth. They were immediately fine.

So now it’s the final standoff between Tim and his elves and Fake Santa and his army of toy soldiers.

Two years later, Eminem came out with a song called, “Like Toy Soldiers”. I tell myself this movie inspired that song.

Fake Santa flies away with the reindeer, but have no fear! Chet is here! Who’s Chet? He’s a reindeer in training and flies through the sky about as well as a four-year-old steering a bumper car.

Chet’s voice also sounds like one of the Rugrat characters is controlling his voice box, so there’s that.

Tim Allen has no choice, he must take Chet and fly after Fake Santa. Eventually, Fake Santa is defeated and Christmas is saved.

Tim returns to the North Pole and tells Carol that if she doesn’t marry him right now, millions of children won’t get gifts tomorrow and they will be forced to no longer believe in Santa Claus, JUST LIKE HER WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD.

This is some really layered story-telling, just to coerce a woman into marrying Santa.

She asks if the North Pole has a school because her main concern is being able to still affect the youth of today. Tim says there is and she’s like, let’s get married!

It’s all very anti-2019.

The movie ends with Lucy finding out that her uncle is Santa Claus. When she pouts that she won’t be able to tell anyone, Charlie tells her it’s not a burden to know her uncle is Santa, it’s a gift.

Well doesn’t that just pull at the cheese strings. I’m not convinced Charlie has thrown out his spray cans, but the movie wants us to believe that he is no longer an angry teenager, so that’s what we’ll believe.

The End.

What a ride that was.

Let me know your thoughts below! Have you seen this movie? Do you like The Santa Clause series? How are you coping knowing that Tim Allen isn’t his real name? Any requests for a future edition of Not A Review? I don’t know what else to ask.

Posted in Humour, TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

I Engaged My Core

Everyone always says you should engage your core, but they also say you should marry your best friend…..so, that’s confusing. Aren’t we supposed to pick one? Do they each get a ring?

In search of answers, I decided to do one of the two. I engaged my core.

Alright, before this takes a left turn into a cry for help sappy, “I Married Myself” blog post, let me extract myself from the hijinx of the introduction and clarify things for you.

This post is about exercise. And the ring I got my core is a hula hoop, but it’s a bit big.

Okay, that last sentence isn’t true, I just wanted to stretch the joke out further. As a warm-up. Because you stretch during warm-ups. IS ANYONE FINDING THIS FUNNY?

Last week, I completed a 30-Day Plank Challenge. It took me 34 days to complete because I had a few days near the end where I ate some big meals and the idea of doing a plank was about as appealing as kissing a toilet seat.

If you don’t know what a plank is, I’ll explain it to you.

Basically, you get in position to do a push-up, but instead of holding yourself up with your hands, you use your forearms and elbows. Then you keep your body straight, hold the position, and start sweating from places you didn’t know could produce sweat.

Too much information? Maybe. But no one is asking you to read this.

That’s a lie. Please don’t go.

You’re probably wondering how this 30-Day Plank Challenge came about because the last time I mentioned exercise on this blog, it was about how I had taken up running.

By the way, if you’re wondering how running is going – it’s not. It defeated me. I could never figure out the right time to run, or how soon before the run to eat, or what to eat, or how to properly pace myself so I wouldn’t be hunched over on a park bench after seven minutes.

It was torture. That said, I’ll give it another try next year.

Plank Challenge Origin Story:

Earlier this year, I came across a post on Instagram made by former Formula 1 driver, Fernando Alonso. It was a picture of a calendar, outlining a 30-Day Plank Challenge and how long to hold the plank position on each day.

I took a screenshot of it, thinking it would be a cool thing to try…eventually. I finally tried it in November.

As you can see, the final day of the challenge requires you to hold the plank for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES.

Do you even know how long five minutes is? It’s like three hours. That’s terrifying.

The first couple of days were okay, but I won’t lie, holding it for 30 seconds made my body shake. That made me nervous.

You really don’t really know what your core is, until you engage it. There’s a, “you think you know someone” joke in here somewhere.

As time went on, I seemed to be gaining stamina. All of a sudden, a one-minute plank was no big deal.

Going from 1:00 to 1:30 was intimidating, but whenever I faced those 30-second increments, I knew that if I could get through it, then the following day would be the same thing and I’d be able to do it.

Day 24 – the jump up to 3;50 from 3;00 was a painful endeavour, but I did it.

It was around this time where I started to realize that I was cheating. I wasn’t holding myself in the proper plank position the entire time. I was allowing my body to come up, like a tiny parabola, to ease the pain.

That was disappointing. I was a phony, but the exercise still hurt so much.

I don’t think I completed Day 29 (4:50) in one go. I was trying to use proper plank form to salvage my reputation, but kept giving out, so the total of my attempts eventually got me to 4:50.

For Day 30, I completed it in one attempt, while not holding the proper plank position the entire time. That said, it was still an incredibly painful five minutes. I could barely move afterwards.

Planking, in general, is a painful thing after a certain point.

My shoulders, of all things, were in a ton of pain. Also, my toes were wondering why I was making them bend like that for so long. My elbows and forearms hurt. My neck hurt. My stomach was screaming like it was in the mosh pit at a concert. Everything was awful.

I did the planks on a carpet. If you’re going to do that, I suggest not wearing socks. They’ll just make you slide around like a penguin on ice.

I had my phone out in front of me so I could watch the stopwatch slowly torture me. With that, I also played music. It took me about two weeks to find the perfect song for me and my core to dance to.

The song was, Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event. The song is about five minutes long and starts slowly for the first minute – which is when I didn’t really need it – and then picks up when I feel like I need to howl at the moon in pain.

Five Things I learned from this 30-Day Plank Challenge:
1. Time moves very slowly when you need it to move fast
2. Planks are painful
3. I can power through the pain if I tell myself I can
4. I ended up with rug burn near my elbows and didn’t realize it until yesterday
5. My arms got stronger

It was a painful and challenging experience, but I’m proud of myself, even though I don’t really know how long I can hold a plank without “cheating”. Maybe two minutes?

It’s kind of hard to know my body position from my own vantage point. Google has all these nice photos of people doing proper planks, but my eyes aren’t looking at me from the other side of the room. I can’t see what I look like.

Heck, I’ve always been confused whenever someone says, “hands should be shoulder-width apart.” Well, NO KIDDING. That’s the anatomy of a human body.

Anyway, feel free to try this plank challenge yourself and keep me posted on your progress. I know it’s a big commitment to engage your core, but you can always break up with it afterwards…like I did.

What, you were expecting a happy ending to this post? This isn’t The Bachelor.

Will you try this Plank Challenge? Have you ever engaged your core? Did you break up with it? Why does exercise have to be so painful?

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Driving Away With It

The Formula 1 season always goes by so fast, which is surprising to me because on the weekends when there is no race, it feels like the next one is so far away. I guess that’s why F1 partnered with Rolex to keep track of time and not me. It’s fine, I’m not bitter.

The season started in March, with the release of, Formula 1: Drive To Survive – a 10-episode Netflix documentary chronicling the 2018 season. It was fantastic and you should watch it, even if you’ve never seen an F1 race in your life.

You’ll enjoy it. Trust me. I have no motive to lie, nor lead you astray.

Yesterday, the final race of the year was held in Abu Dhabi. It doesn’t matter who won.

The season followed the same pattern that racing fans have (unfortunately) grown accustomed to over the last few years.

It goes something like this:

1. Someone blows away the competition during Winter Testing (Ferrari).
2. Teams show up in Australia for the first race of the season, full of optimism.
3. Look at how many cars are passing each other during the race!
4. Wow! There might actually be a battle at the top this season!
5. How about this midfield battle? Extraordinary!
6. Mercedes is still the best, but the other teams are closing the gap.
7. Why did I stay up until 3:30AM to watch this race?
8. A hodgepodge of celebrities show up in Monaco.
9. Why is Vettel doing that?
10. Why is Red Bull only good at certain tracks?
11. Lance Stroll finishes 9th and is really happy about it.
12. Ferrari better get it together before they fall too far behind.
13. SINGAPORE NIGHT RACE!
14. Alright, no one is catching Mercedes this year.
15. Kimi Raikkonen mumbles through an interview.
16. OH MY GOD A RAIN RACE!
17. Daniel Ricciardo’s car stops on the side of the road. He’s frustrated.
18. Yeah, Mercedes is going to win the constructors’ championship again.
19. Lewis Hamilton is going to win the driver’s championship.
20. There are seven races left and they don’t mean anything.
21. Oh, what’s that, they’re making rule changes in 2021?
22. “RACES WILL BE MORE COMPETITIVE IN THE FUTURE”
23. Now how will I spend my Sunday mornings?

So, if you or someone you know, want to become a fan of Formula 1, that’s basically what you can expect over the course of a season. Hopefully, that changes next year, but it probably won’t.

We won’t get real change until 2021, when the regulations change and the cars look different and Lewis Hamilton moves over to Ferrari.

At this time, I’m going to list each team and driver and say a bit about them. The number in brackets is where they finished in the team/driver standings.

If you sit through this and read all of them, you’ll come across some great commentary and jokes. 

MERCEDES (1)They won 15 of 21 races this year. What else is new?

LEWIS HAMILTON (1)
He is a six-time world champion now – one behind Michael Schumacher – and has one year left on his deal with Mercedes. I feel like Schumacher had to fight harder for his championships, but then again, I was a child so my opinion could be skewed. Apparently, Hamilton had two meetings with the Ferrari owner this year and there is a chance he goes there in 2021.

VALTTERI BOTTAS (2)
Driving the same car as Hamilton, he feels like the only hope racing fans have for any competition at the top of the driver standings. But cheering for him means cheering for Mercedes and that’s not fun.

FERRARI (2): There’s an episode of The Simpsons where Nelson keeps saying, “Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.” That’s the first thing that came to mind when I thought of Ferrari. I’m so sorry. But stop hitting yourself, Ferrari.

CHARLES LECLERC (4)
He’s just a kid from Monaco, living his dream of driving an F1 car at the age of 22. Good ol’ Humble Chuck. Alright, no one calls him that…yet. His future is bright, but if Hamilton becomes his teammate in 2021, the bulb in that spotlight will need replacing every day. I think that makes sense.

SEBASTIAN VETTEL (5)
With four world championships, he is one of the all-time greats. None of those have come with Ferrari, however, which must be frustrating because IT’S FERRARI. I feel like he needs a hug because he’s trying so hard to chase down a reliable, consistent Mercedes, with an, at times, not so reliable Ferrari. And while he’s doing that, Humble Chuck (is this catching on?) comes in and outperforms him in his first year with the team.

RED BULL RACING (3): Never the bride, nor the groom, yet always at the altar.

MAX VERSTAPPEN (3)
Formula 1 is returning to the Netherlands next season for the first time since 1985, which will be nice for all the Dutch supporters who, seemingly, travel to every race to cheer on Verstappen, while wearing bright orange t-shirts, so the cameraman can easily pick them out. Max is great, hopefully his car can be too.

ALEX ALBON (8)
He started the season with Toro Rosso, before swapping seats with Pierre Gasly. For his rookie year, he did quite well.

McLAREN (4): Welcome to McLaren, where the “L” stands for Laughter. (Not an insult)

CARLOS SAINZ (6)
Sainz, Sainz, everywhere a Sainz. This was his best season in F1 and I can’t say I saw it coming because McLaren was such a mess last year. He seems to have a lot of fun with his teammate, which always makes for wholesome content on the internet.

LANDO NORRIS (11)
He sort of became the unofficial mascot of Formula 1 this year. I mean that in the best way. In 90% of his interviews and social media posts, he’s having fun, laughing, and bringing  pure joy to a world where people tend to look very concerned.

RENAULT (5): You know what it is, black and yellow, black and yellow. Sorry.

DANIEL RICCIARDO (9)
I can understand why he left Red Bull, but I feel bad that he landed with a team that is never in contention for a podium. By all accounts, he’s enjoying being with Renault. I’m just selfish and want to see him with a top team, but that boat might’ve sailed.

NICO HULKENBERG (14)
Again, another talented driver with a team that just doesn’t have the car to compete with the top three. It’s unfortunate. Renault is replacing him with Esteban Ocon next year.

TORO ROSSO (6): I was just about to say how pleasing it is on the tongue to utter the words “Toro Rosso”, and then I search it on Google and find out they are changing their name to Alpha Tauri next year. So, that’s timely.

PIERRE GASLY (7)
He started the season with the parent team, Red Bull, but wasn’t performing the way they had hoped. So now he’s back with their B team, which is going to be named Alpha, and that doesn’t really make sense, does it?

DANIIL KYVAT (13)
Like his teammate, he also had his shot with Red Bull back in 2015 (at the age of 21) before being sent down to Toro Rosso the following season after four races. It feels like he’s in a really long game of musical chairs with Gasly and Albon for the second seat at Red Bull.

RACING POINT (7): I still refer to them by their former name: Force India.

SERGIO PEREZ (10)
He finished in the Top 10 in eight of nine races after the summer break. It was always hard for me to gage how good the car was because his teammate was consistently missing out on the Top 10.

LANCE STROLL (15)
He is consistently poor in Qualifying, which puts him behind the 8-ball, as well as about 16 other cars, come race day. That was a numbers joke. We’re here now.

ALFA ROMEO (8): Hold on, we’re going to have an Alfa Romeo and an Alpha Tauri on the grid next year? Can they just go back to being called, Sauber? You’re confusing the children.

KIMI RAIKKONEN (12)
He’s like the Jaromir Jagr of Formula 1, minus the mullet. Could you imagine Kimi with a mullet though? He’s old enough to be the Dad of at least four other drivers. This guy is going to outlast everyone currently on the grid, and he’s going to do it without saying anything any of us can understand. Never change.

ANTONIO GIOVINAZZI (17)
His teammate is a legend and his car is not the best – it’s 8th. Again with a numbers joke. Stop it, Paul. That’s TWO many. STOP.

HAAS (9): Well, at least they were the highlight of the Netflix documentary.

KEVIN MAGNUSSEN (16)
Look, I don’t have much to say about either driver. It wasn’t a good season for them, after coming in 5th last season. The car was not good. You can’t turn chocolate pudding into chocolate cake.

ROMAIN GROSJEAN (18)
This past weekend he said, “Let’s just say we’re looking forward to getting rid of that car and it won’t go into a museum!” I like that quote way more than I should.

WILLIAMS (10): Maybe next year.

ROBERT KUBICA (19)
The car was not good from Day 0 and was 3-4 seconds off the pace all year, but I’m glad Kubica got a chance to be on the grid again after a horrific crash in 2011 that partially severed his arm. He had signed a deal with Ferrari to race for them in 2012, but couldn’t. Next year, he is being replaced by a Canadian – Nicholas Latifi.

GEORGE RUSSELL (20)
In his first year in F1, at the age of 21, Russell out-qualified his teammate in every race. Granted, they were normally starting last and second last. He has a lot of talent, though, and at times, made the car look better than it was.

Overall, it was a ho-hum season with not too many memorable moments, outside of Vettel’s hissy fit at the Canadian Grand Prix. I’m so glad that happened in Canada.

I don’t know what we’re in for next season. Is Mercedes just going to drive away with the championship again by the middle of the season? Are teams holding back until 2021, when the big regulation changes kick in, or will next season be competitive?

I’m not getting my hopes up, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be excited to stay up until 2AM to watch the first race of the season.

‘Tis the life of a Formula 1 fan.

Thanks for reading!

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