Paul Tries: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup

If you read my previous post, “What The Fork“, you’ll know that on Tuesday night, a fork stabbed me in the finger, as I was putting a bowl in the dishwasher. What I didn’t mention was that less than an hour later, I had a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for the first time. Or at least half of it.

This is that story.

I have said it many times on this blog – I am not a candy person. Trick-or-treating on Halloween was all about obtaining: Chips, Aeros, Jersey Milks, and Smarties. I couldn’t care less about anything else.

By the way, Canadian Smarties are different than American Smarties. Ours are like bigger, but flatter, M&Ms. American Smarties are what we refer to as Rockets. 

I’ve never had a Kit Kat. Never had an Oh Henry!. Never had a Mars Bar. Never had a Snickers. Never had a (insert name of candy here).

And it’s not like my parents ever said, “You can’t have candy!” or put any restrictions on me. I just wasn’t interested.

Until this past Tuesday night, I’ve never had anything in the Reese’s family. Their Peanut Butter Cups do not appeal to me. I do not like combining chocolate and peanut butter in my mouth. I do not find it enjoyable.

I know that may be a very controversial thing to admit, but so be it. I’m not going to tell myself I enjoy it, just so I can be in the majority.

I know I’m in the minority. I know it is a widely popular treat. I respect its dominance. I just don’t like it.

So, after the fork stabbed me in the finger and I lost some blood, clearly I wasn’t thinking straight when I was presented with the opportunity to try half of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

I said yes. I figured, let me finally get this out of the way, so I can confirm what my eyes have been telling me all along.

Maybe my Guardian Angel was behind the fork attack and that was their way of saving me from myself. They tried to take my finger out of commission, so I wouldn’t be able to pick up the chocolate and put it in my mouth.

Sorry, G.A., I missed the sign.

I went into this taste-test completely receptive to the fact that maybe I do like Peanut Butter Cups after all, and I’ve just been a stubborn fool my whole life. I really gave it a shot to impress me.

It did not.

I found it to be really gooey. It felt like my mouth was closing up on me. As if my teeth were being glued together and the back of my throat was being pushed to the front of my mouth.

It was like my tongue was fighting through quicksand and all I wanted was for an emergency sprinkler system to go off, so I could be at ease again.

As you may already know, adulthood is all about describing foods as “too salty” or “too sweet”. In my opinion, the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup I had was way, way, way too sweet.

It was akin to a, “What are you hiding?” level of sweet. Like an overly cheerful child who sells cookies, but is actually a cog in the wheel of their parents’ money laundering scheme.

Yes, I’m ready for Season 3 of Ozark. What of it?

Sugar overload. I could feel it seeping into my teeth, wanting to dig a cavity. Are they going to pay for the filling?

I am sorry if this knocks you out of your bed, but I did not like it.

If there was one positive – and I don’t even know if you can call it a positive – it was that I was surprised by the texture of it.

When I bit into it, I was expecting it to be a bit crunchy. I was expecting the layer of chocolate to put up a bit of a struggle, before allowing my teeth to land on the peanut butter.

Nope!

It was a soft bite. That was unexpected.

Honestly, if you take the peanut butter out, and scale back the amount of sugar, it would be a pretty good chocolate hockey puck. I’d probably like it.

They could call it a cookie. Just an idea.

Peanut butter falls under the same category as bacon and ketchup, to me.

I enjoy them paired with certain foods, but once you pair them with the wrong partner, it’s adios amigo for this cowboy.

I don’t know what I just said. Let’s keep going.

I love peanut butter with crackers, carrots, and on bread. Put it with chocolate, I’ll act like we’ve never met. Put it in the oven, I’ll stick my nose out the window like a dog. Can’t handle the smell of warm peanut butter at all.

But this is just me. If you have the exact opposite opinion, that’s perfectly fine.

I think people are more shocked that I’ve never had an RPBC (it’s such a long name and I’m tired of writing it), than they are that I don’t like it. That amuses me.

As you know, we choose our friends. We choose our Twitter handle. We choose our pizza toppings. However, we do not choose which foods we like – our mouth does, and so do our eyes.

Basically, I’m shifting the blame to my eyes and mouth, if you’re disappointed in me for not liking one of your favourite foods.

The ol’, “Don’t look at me, it was my eyes and mouth” excuse. I hope you fall for it.

So, that was the entirety of my Tuesday night. A fork stabbing (allegedly) and a peanut butter cup.

God, I miss sports so much. Can I have proof they’re still alive? Tell them I love them.

The End.

“Paul Tries” has been an idea I’ve had for a while and I hope it becomes a recurring series on this blog. Send me suggestions for things to “Try”. Preferably not food-related; I already have a good idea of foods I can try.

Posted in Food | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

What The Fork

This all happened two days ago. I say that as if days are even a thing anymore. We’re just living from tweet to tweet, at this point. Anyway, if today is Thursday, then the following events took place on Tuesday night.

Into the time machine!

Let me set the scene for you. I was in the kitchen making dinner. There, scene set. This dinner required about 35 minutes of meal prep. There were a lot of bowls and plates, who had been hired to hold food until I was ready to cook it.

Plates are just backpacks that never close and break when you drop them.

In the pan on the stove was some olive oil, minced garlic – which is a pain and three-quarters – and small balls of sausage. Not quite a clean slice, but not quite a meatball. A small ball of sausage. Like a pizza topping but bigger, but not too big.

Got it? Great!

Anyway, it was time to add some shrimp to the party. The shrimp had been thawing in a bowl. So, there I am, holding the bowl in my left hand, and tossing shrimp in the pan with my right.

The modern-day Emeril Lagasse.

When the last shrimp is out of the bowl, I must decide if I’m going to put the bowl in the sink, or if I’m going to put it straight in the dishwasher.

Well, the precedent I set with the plate of garlic, and plate of sausage, was that they went straight into the dishwasher, therefore bypassing the lazy option of letting them sit in the sink for no reason.

Sinks are basically a waiting room for plates. No one likes waiting rooms. It’s no-man’s-land. You’re not quite where you need to be, but it’s too late to turn back. We would all prefer a world where we go from the front desk to the back room, so I bestow that luxury upon plates whenever I can.

So, I go put the bowl in the dishwasher. Right next to the spot where the dishes go, there is an area for cutlery. There was already a fork in there, staring straight up at me.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED.

As I placed the bowl down, the fork attacked me. It stabbed me in my right index finger, right below the cuticle. I had to Google “what’s the area below the fingernail called” for that word.

I was in pain, but for a split second I thought, “it’s just a fork”. It wasn’t until I flipped my hand over that I saw blood coming out of me.

My high school English teacher always said that if we didn’t have a pen or pencil, we should bite off the end of our finger and write in blood. Here I am, 11 years too late on that.

There was nothing cute-icle about this situation. Chunks of skin had been displaced. Upon further examination, some of my skin was transferred to the fork in the dishwasher.

“IS MY SKIN SOME SORT OF TROPHY TO YOU!?!?!” is what I didn’t yell at the fork. Come on, guys.

This is the thanks I get for skipping the “waiting room” step in a plate’s life.

I went back to the stove and turned it off. That made me mad because there was something in the oven and I had timed things, perfectly, so everything would finish at the same time. Now, that wouldn’t happen because I had to go deal with my finger.

I basically got hit by a parked car. I realize this now. A parked fork. How pathetic.

I went to the washroom and put pressure on my stab wound. For a moment, I felt like an athlete. Like, “Hurry up and get me stitched up, so I can get back out there”. I never stopped thinking about how the fork threw off my cook times.

Still mad about it.

Some Polysporin and one bandage later, I was back in the kitchen with nine fingers ready to go to war. I finished making dinner and it was great.

Then I went to brush my teeth, and it was a disaster trying to hold the toothbrush with my right hand. A complete mess. Toothpaste and water was dripping everywhere. The toothbrush got slippery and I almost dropped it a few times.

I felt like a toddler, who had wandered into the washroom by accident. Like, someone better come find me before I put toothpaste on the toilet seat, and mouthwash down the vent.

I’m a pretty imaginative toddler, aren’t I?

Over the past few years, I’ve experimented with brushing my teeth while using my left hand, just for fun. Well, time to shine! Time to earn that contract! Show ’em what you got, left hand!

Nothing. It got nothing. Now I know why, when you make the letter “L” with your left hand, it is directed at yourself.

I washed my hands, shook some water off of them in the sink before grabbing a towel, and what do I see? Red water drops in the sink. I shake my hands again. More red water drops.

Am I wizard? Am I making it (toxic) rain?

Sadly, neither.

Some water had infiltrated my bandage. It must’ve snuck in during the changing of the guard. Pesky water and that dog! (Scooby-Doo reference).

So then I had to re-wrap my finger. This time, with two bandages. What an ordeal, all because of a stupid fork.

You don’t realize how valuable your index finger is until it’s on the Injured Reserve list. I can’t bend it because there are two bandages wrapped around the top.

It’s basically an inverted bowling pin on a diet.

Picture it…picture it…good.

As I type this, it’s uncomfortable to use, so I’ve subbed in my middle finger to hit the keys, while my index finger just floats in the air like a kite.

One thing I’d be great at doing is hailing a cab, or calling a waiter over at restaurant, because this finger won’t go down.

Unfortunately, we’re locked inside for the next 18 years (rough estimate), so I can’t even put my new superpower to use.

When I wash my hands, the top of my right index finger practices social distancing from the water. I don’t want a wet bandage. Who does?

As of today, my finger is healing, though I’m still missing some skin.

I think my new goal for this Social Distancing period, is to train my left hand to be better at doing things. Put a baseball glove on my left hand and I can catch anything you throw at me.

Tell me to brush my teeth with it and I turn into Chet – the “reindeer in training” from The Santa Clause 2. Completely uncoordinated and hopeless.

Google tells me that training my non-dominant hand will boost my brain power. Just what I need!

Perhaps, then, I’ll be smart enough to not get stabbed by a fork in the dishwasher.

The End.

I hope you enjoyed this (hopefully funny) story and were able to laugh at my misfortune. I’m just going to end this post by muttering to myself. Don’t mind me.

A fork, man. A fork. Not even a knife. A fork. Forks are vicious. We put them in our mouth? Are we a bunch of sadists? Well, at least it wasn’t a spoon. That would be even more embarrassing. 

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

101 Things To Do At Home When You’re Bored

Are you bored? Are you unable to participate in your favourite activities? Are you stuck in the house and running out of things to do? Do you want pancakes? If this sounds like you, then you’ve clicked on the right blog.

Hi, I’m Paul. You may remember me from such blog posts as, “The Refrigerator Was Running, But Now It’s Walking” and “How To Teach Your Pet To Win At Bingo”.

But if you don’t remember me from those posts, that’s okay, I haven’t written them…yet. The important thing is that you’re here now, listening to me talk in your head as you read the words I wrote.

They say that home is where the heart is, but for the next few months, home is where you and your family members will be. Fun. Naturally, boredom is bound to set in.

Therefore, I have created a list of things you can do at home when you’re bored. If you are unable to do some of these tasks, for whatever reason, I do not care. This is not about you; this is about everyone. NOW STOP GOING OUTSIDE.

Sorry, natural reflex.

Be sure to read every item on this list. There may be a test later.

1. Watch TV.
2. Watch Netflix.
3. Windex a mirror.
4. Read a book.
5. Clean your room.
6. Do a puzzle.
7. Listen to music.
8. Play a board game.
9. Make pancakes for breakfast.
10. Play with your pet.
11. Take a nap.
12. Read a second book.
13. Play video games.
14. Lay on a carpet.
15. Pretend to be a chicken for ten minutes.
16. Make a paper airplane.
17. Read a book with your eyes closed. Bam, audiobook.
18. Make pancakes for lunch.
19. Think about that embarrassing moment from 13 years ago.
20. Look out the window.
21. Go on Twitter.
22. Exercise.
23. Use your index finger to swipe at dusty surfaces.
24. Dance, but not near the window.
25. Scroll through Instagram.
26. Refrain from exercising.
27. Make pancakes for dinner.
28. Stare at the ceiling.
29. Write a blog post.
30. Take pictures of random things from weird angles.
31. Make sure your toilet paper hasn’t been stolen.
32. Mention “Social Distancing” in a social media post.
33. Build a blanket fort.
34. Sob (controllably) in the shower.
35. Sing like everyone can hear you (under your breath).
36. Windex another mirror.
37. Send your friends a text that says, “There’s hot glue in your shoe.”
38. Open the fridge every 11 minutes.
39. Refill the salt shaker.
40. Spin around in your desk chair.
41. Play “Simon Says”, by yourself.
42. Work on your maniacal laugh.
43. Create your own language.
44. Count your fingers and toes.
45. Slam a book shut as loud as you can.
46. Ask the people in your house if they’ve seen your wallet.
47. Create a mystery dinner around the “who stole your wallet” premise.
48. Say, “It was YOU, wasn’t it?” to someone.
49. Repeat #48 until you get a false confession.
50. Windex another mirror.
51. Start a new show on Netflix that isn’t on your List.
52. Share a video to your Instagram Story that no one cares about.
53. Channel your inner water buffalo.
54. Put your socks on the opposite foot every two hours.
55. Examine your chimney for any post-Christmas damage.
56. Discover an assorted nuts collection under your couch.
57. Run up the stairs – once. Call it exercise.
58. Create your own catchphrase using alliteration.
59. Catch your breath.
60. Be a bird.
61. Scream into a pot.
62. Count your fingers and toes, again.
63. Rock, Paper, Scissors against yourself. Left Hand vs. Right Hand.
64. Draw a picture of your ideal food court.
65. Wear your sunglasses at night.
66. Roll over in your sleep.
67. Time how long it takes your toilet to flush.
68. Look in the mailbox.
69. Bypass the end slice of a loaf of bread.
70. Say the alphabet backwards in less than 6 seconds.
71. Get mad at yourself for touching your face.
72. Rearrange the letters in your name to spell something.
73. Look at the calendar to see how long eight weeks is.
74. Suppress the feelings that arise when you find an old picture.
75. Think about not thinking.
76. Look up how to do long division.
77. Turn the volume up and then lower it.
78. Yell into the washing machine.
79. Call a telemarketer.
80. Wash your hands.
81. Put your left hand in.
82. Take your left hand out.
83. Walk backwards and beep like a truck.
84. When someone is walking by, knock at the window and run away.
85. Defy gravity.
86. Raise your hand to speak.
87. Sing a song, but every word is “Moo”.
88. Open a window and breathe in.
89. Pretend the floor is hot lava.
90. Start a one word story in a group chat.
91. Squeeze the dish soap bottle so bubbles come out.
92. Hide in a closet.
93. Unfollow someone on Twitter.
94. Rest a pen on your ear.
95. Start a social media challenge called #GlassOrMug.
96. Share a photo of a glass or mug. Challenge others.
97. See if your peers decide to share a glass or mug.
98. Roll a dice until it lands on the same number, ten times in a row.
99. Turn off the TV, by accident.
100. Look at yourself in the mirror.
101. Go back to sleep.

That should keep you busy!

Did I miss anything? Which of this tasks will you do? 

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 45 Comments

50 Thoughts XXXI

1. Last week, a guy on the radio said people were stocking up on toilet paper and onion powder. Is onion powder a substitute for baby powder? What am I missing here?

2. When people go on Shark Tank and say they bootstrapped their business and raised money through friends and family, I’m expecting them to say they raised $363.72. NOPE. They raised $150,000.

3. I can’t be the only one who thinks the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ uniform isn’t good enough for someone of Tom Brady’s stature.

3.5 His full name is Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., by the way. Shoutout to Edward as a middle name.

4. Once you get, “‘Cause baby now we got Dad bod” in your head, there is no going back to, “‘Cause baby now we got bad blood.”

5. Dishwashers should have a transparent door, so we can see what’s going on in there.

6. Twitter is the worst thing to happen to Town Criers since laryngitis.

7. Socks are just pillow cases for your feet.

8. It’s going to be disturbing when this pandemic ends and people go back to not washing their hands.

9. I was introduced to 3-ply Kleenex the other day. My life will never be the same.

10. It’s called a ruler because somebody has to keep the pencils in line.

11. Planks should not be as painful as they are.

12. The Bachelor and Bachelorette should be allowed to stalk the contestants on social media before meeting them in person.

12.5 No way you can marry someone without knowing the kind of captions they write.

13. Life doesn’t truly begin until you start wearing an apron when you cook.

14. I finally realized there is a difference between running shoes and trainers.

15. Who will be the first baby to grow up and reject the Instagram account their parents made for them?

16. Sally Field is an absolute star in Dispatches From Elsewhere.

17. I feel like auctioneers and ventriloquists don’t do small talk very well. Who does, though?

18. I find it funnier to call it “The TikTok” because I am secretly an old man.

19. When the world goes back to normal and all the sports return, I’ll be entering Social Distancing Phase II, thank you very much.

20. I would’ve hated it if my final year of university came to an abrupt end a month earlier due to a pandemic.

21. You don’t realize how cold-blooded the sport of Curling is until teams kick players off their team.

21.5 I’m happy to see John Morris back with a team full-time and Lisa Weagle move over to the indestructible, Team Jennifer Jones.

22. My mom had to say “pineapple tidbits” four times before I realized she wasn’t talking about pineapple-flavoured Timbits.

22.5 Aka “donut holes” for the American audience.

23. My new hobby is remembering how many days it’s been without sports.

24. The biggest power move in Bachelor history was when Barb didn’t set her Instagram account to private after the finale.

25. I’ve always imagined Hot Cross Buns to be bread that gets angry when it’s removed from the warmth of an oven, not unlike humans from their bed.

26. Is there anyone who hasn’t had a two-bite brownie in just one bite?

27. New Idea: Slip N Slidewalks.

28. If you want to get kids active, bring back the Skip-It toy from the 90s and stand back.

29. All Elite Wrestling (AEW) is a much better product than World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and it’s not close.

30. Library books probably have a ton of germs, eh?

31. Political debates on TV have been about the same things for the last 12 years.

32. I never fully embraced Pringles. Always got an aura of superiority from the kids who had them.

33. I just want to plant my flag on the word, “foibled”, so when everyone is using it three years from now, I can receive royalties.

33.5 It’s a combination of the word “foiled” and the desire to mutter a word under your breath while looking like a distraught Draco Malfoy, so you decide to throw a “b” in there.

33.75 Try it at home!

34. We all Googled “Coronavirus symptoms” and then became paranoid every time we thought we were short of breath, right?

35. Some podcasters sound as if they’re sitting in the cabinet under their kitchen sink.

36. I’ve never seen Titanic.

37. Thirty years from now we’ll be saying, “Back in my day, we had to recharge our cellphones by plugging them into a wall. Now they just run on oxygen.”

38. Duck, Duck, Moose – for when animals want to be inclusive.

39. The middle of the night goes by so much quicker than the middle of the day.

40. I’m starting to get uncomfortable watching characters in TV shows be so close to each other.

41. I’m mentally preparing myself for when a contestant on Big Brother Canada is someone I know, but they end up in an alliance everyone hates.

42. This season of Survivor better bring back the Survivor Auction.

43. February feels like it was 23 years ago.

44. Leaders are people who know when to follow.

45. We don’t really need sporks.

46. The Nintendo 64 had some of the strongest wires I’ve ever seen.

47. My favourite type of marble is cheese.

48. Speaking of marbles, it’s about time more people discovered marble races on YouTube. Check out the Marblelympics for phenomenal entertainment.

49. Do bagels ever dream about being donuts?

50. They should make a superhero movie called, The Introverts, and instead of saying “Introverts, assemble!” they say, “Introverts, disperse!”

Posted in 50 Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Where The Sports Have No Games

Have you ever been a part of an ice breaker activity, where you sit in a circle with a bunch of fresh faces and go around giving answers to random questions? They’ll ask, “What is your biggest fear?” Someone will say, “Spiders!” and curl up at the thought of them. Another person will say, “Heights” – a nice, safe answer. Then someone will say, “Being buried alive” and you’ll know they were traumatized from watching too much professional wrestling as a kid.

But, sometimes, our biggest fear is the one we do not even know we have. Not to be dramatic, but six days ago, I met my biggest fear.

A world without sports.

Every sports league has shut down as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. As they should. I fully support this decision.

However, if I can be selfish for a second, this is going to be extremely difficult for me. It already is and we are only six days into this new reality. SIX DAYS.

And I know what you might be thinking:

“Who cares if you miss a few silly games, there is a pandemic on our doorstep. Get your priorities in order!”

I am not here to be insensitive, or disrespectful. I completely understand where sports fall on the totem pole of importance. I am only here to talk about what sports mean to me, and how I feel completely lost with them. Maybe you can relate.

When someone asks me what my favourite sport is, I never have a solid answer. My go-to response is, “It depends on the time of year.” Whichever sports are currently in-season, those are my favourite sports.

I struggle to think of a time in my life when I did not like sports.

Sports are my obsession. They give me joy; they give me purpose. If you take sports out of my life, I have no clue who I am.

I have felt like a ghost for the last six days. It is as if my soul is in a jail cell and my outer shell is standing on the other side of the bars wondering which part of me is actually the one stuck in jail.

There are no games to look forward to. No highlights to catch up on. No stats to analyze. No standings to ponder.

Time has slowed down to a crawl. This past weekend felt like three weeks. On Saturday, I forgot what day it was. I am so accustomed to using the duration of games as a tool to tell time, that just looking at a regular clock was throwing me off. Seriously.

If there is a Spring Training game on at 1PM, it’ll be done around 4PM, which gives me an hour or two before dinner, which then leaves an hour or two before the hockey game starts at 7PM. That is how I tell time on the weekend, specifically Saturdays.

Without sports, 5:13PM just becomes three numbers on the clock. There is nothing waiting for me at 7PM.

That may sound crazy to you, but it is second-nature to me. My body clock in synced to the schedules of my favourite teams.

But we currently find ourselves in a time where the sports have no games. You knew I had to get that line in here somewhere.

Sure, I can watch TV shows to pass the time. I can read. I can write. I can cook. But all of those things are my secondary hobbies. They are the side salad to my main course.

At the earliest, sports leagues could be back up and running by mid-May. That is if everything goes right. That is if everyone helps to mitigate the spread of Coronavirus. But you already know people are not doing that.

So, we are probably looking at June, if not July. That is about three months without sports. Now I am getting mad.

Whenever I find myself thinking about how many weeks have to go by before sports *may* return, I feel the panic setting in, before telling myself to think about something else.

This is still only the beginning.

I have always wondered what people, who don’t like sports, do in their spare time. How does the other half live? If they aren’t watching this game, what are they doing? And how could they possibly find enjoyment in it?

I never prepared for this. Sports have always been there. When one ends, the next one begins. There is no off-season as a fan.

Everything in my life has been built around sports, even when it came to picking a major in university. Oh, there’s a program with the word “Sport” in the title? I’m in. Forget everything else. Forget the other programs. Read this course description, mom. It’s me. “Paul, that’s you!”. I know.

All throughout school, I’d hijack my assignments and twist them so I could add a sports component. Whether it was doing a presentation about baseball in Math class, using sports quotes as captions to photos in Media Studies, or drawing a curling rink in Art class because we could only use circles and squares to draw a picture, I knew what I was doing.

At times in my life, I have felt a bit uncomfortable being seen as just “the sports guy” because I know how smart and knowledgeable I am about other things, and I want the credit for it.

Truthfully, I think my entire blog is me, subconsciously, pushing back against the notion that sports fans should just stick to sports.

But, it’s fine. I can’t stop being this way. This is who I am. This is who I will always be. Sports are always on my mind. Heck, I fall asleep while listening to sports talk radio. That is basically osmosis and hypnosis at the same.

Sports are everything to me. For the next little while, though, I am going to have to figure out who I am without them.

And that terrifies me.

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

UNSANITARY

We know what is going. We know about the COVID-19 (Coronavirus) pandemic. We know about the cancellation of events, in order to limit social gatherings. We know some people are not taking it seriously. We know others are hoarding toilet paper.

We do not know when this will end.

I am not going to sit here and write about the origins of Coronavirus, or get into numbers, or discuss scientific lingo, or anything I do not know. There are thousands of other people more qualified than I, to provide you with that information.

I am just here to share my thoughts and observations, ever since COVID-19 became a reality in our lives.

First off, I have no time or patience for people who do not want to take this pandemic seriously. If you do not think it is a big deal, fine. Keep it to yourself. Why? Because you have no clue, especially when we have professionals telling us otherwise.

Even if you are right, and this whole situation is somehow overblown, it is imperative to proceed with an abundance of caution at this point in time.

We do not need your “Tough Guy” act flooding social media, but if you cannot control yourself, by all means, look like a fool.

Conversely, people are freaking out and emptying the shelves at grocery stores, as if they expect to be in their home for the next six months. There are people buying toilet paper just because everyone else is buying toilet paper. They do not know why.

“For in the end…they did not know what they were laughing about and why they had stopped thinking.” – Neil Postman

Are they all afraid of death by diarrhea, are they stocking up just in case they are quarantined, or are they afraid that the “crazy people” will take everything and there will be nothing left for when they go shopping on their regular day?

It is a domino effect that includes people of different thought processes, but at the root of their action is a sense of urgency and preparation for the unknown.

Maybe Y2K was a dress-rehearsal for this. Maybe now is the time.

When Coronavirus started to spread and public officials instructed us to wash our hands, sneeze into our sleeve, and take other precautionary measures, as to not spread any germs, it felt like this was a brand new concept to some people.

I really want to say I am surprised there are people who do not know how to properly wash their hands, but I am not.

People are disgusting. They just are.

Do I have some germaphobic habits? Absolutely. I can’t even tell you the last time I held a handrail, with my bare hand, while navigating a staircase in public.

Have I held the pole on the subway with my bare hand? Yes. In the summer, when I have no choice but to stand, and don’t have winter gloves. I hate every second of it because I just know what’s being transferred to my hand.

Sports leagues in North America have shut down, completely, to prevent the public from gathering. Honestly, I was wondering what took them so long.

As soon as an athlete was confirmed to have contracted Coronavirus, everyone moved quickly.

That athlete was Rudy Gobert, basketball player for the Utah Jazz. And you know what Rudy thought of the Coronavirus? He thought it was a joke, as evidenced by the video of him “jokingly” touching all the microphones and recording devices in front of him at a press conference two days before his positive test.

There are times when we can act like a jovial idiot and get away with it; this is not that time.

I was at a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game, fourteen days ago. Unless you’re in a private suite, there is no such thing as comfort at a sporting event. I do not care how soft the seat is, you will not be comfortable.

You are packed in there like school supplies in a pencil case. Everything must fit because everything has its own spot.

You are sharing an arm rest with at least one stranger, maybe two (like I was). What they breathe out, you breathe in, and vice versa. Unless you are shorter, or have an aisle seat, leg space is hard to come by.

On top of that, you have to stand up at least ten times over the course of two and a half hours, just so Johnny Nachos & Associates can peruse the concession stands. As they pass by, you try and be as small as possible, while they step on your feet.

It is like opening a pickle jar, grabbing a pickle at the very bottom, and pulling it to the top.

But wait, there’s more! The people in the row behind you also like to go to the concession stands, so they are kicking your jacket, and sometimes spilling things in your direction.

At its best, it is organized chaos. But what can you do, other than wonder why you would ever leave the comfort of your own couch, for this.

I have never been in a washroom at a sporting event and seen everyone follow proper hygienic etiquette. It is a thing that does not happen.

Whether you want to talk about the stalls – where it looks like the person before you had never used a toilet in their life – or the “You can’t tell me what to do” man, who does his business and exits without ever even looking at a sink, let alone using one.

That person is unsanitary.

In a perfect world, we might all carry a map that tracks the people who haven’t washed their hands, so we know to avoid them. Think, the Maurader’s Map in Harry Potter.

He may touch a railing. He may exchange cash with a cashier. He may share a bag of popcorn with someone and put his hands in the bag every eight seconds. He may hand his phone over to an usher to take a picture. He may open the door as he leaves. He may hold the pole on the subway. He may shake the hand of the friend he went to the game with.

Now, multiply that one person’s stupidity by a few hundred.

It should not matter if Coronavirus exists, or not, washing your hands before leaving the washroom should be a thing that everyone automatically does.

It is not.

For some reason, I keep expecting other people to be as smart, and cognizant, as I think they should be, and they never are. Because if they do not have a problem with it, they do not care.

Some people get to an age where they think they know everything. They do not want to change because why should they? Their way has gotten them this far.

Carelessness will kill us. It already has.

I do not know when all of this will end. In many ways, this feels like just the beginning.

During the SARS epidemic in 2003, I found myself in a hospital, waiting to see if two of my fingers were broken, or if they were just green and purple for some other reason. It was for some other reason – torn ligaments.

My Mom and I were given a mask, gloves, and gown, and sat there for about three hours before anyone called us in. It was scary, but on the wall in front of us was a picture, though it wasn’t a picture. It was a word.

It said, “Saskatoon”. Don’t ask me why the name of a city in Saskatchewan was in a picture frame in a hospital in Ontario, but it was.

Staring at “Saskatoon” got us through those three hours and we still talk about it to this day.

I am not sure if I am qualified to provide hope during a situation as serious as the one we find ourselves in, but I will try.

Find your Saskatoon – whatever that may be – and perhaps it will give you some peace as we all try and get through this together, while maintaining a safe distance apart.

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Peter) – Ep. 12

Welcome to Part 2 of The Bachelor Finale. This episode is absolutely insane. It has everything you can think of, as well as everything you could never even imagine. I’ve never seen two hours of television quite like this.

In Part 1, Madison sent herself home. That left only Hannah Ann in the running to be America’s next top model (because she is a model) and Peter’s fiancé.

We also found out that Peter’s mom, Barb, really likes Hannah Ann and can’t stand Madison, even though Madison is a fan favourite.

LET’S BEGIN

~ Chris Harrison welcomes us inside a studio and tells us no one knows what’s going to happen tonight.

~ Is this Election Night or The Bachelor Finale?

~ For the final time this season, it’s time to play the world’s fastest growing game show, Spot The Men In The Audience!

SPOT THE MEN IN THE AUDIENCE – EP. 3

~ I see one, two, three men. Do I see four? Do I see four? Why don’t I see four? I see four! The fourth man in the audience is Neil Lane with a briefcase. What is this, Deal or no Deal? I see five! The fifth man is Peter’s Dad.

~ Our final tally is five, thanks for playing.

KELLEY?

~ Why is Kelley in the audience? Is she a red herring? SHE’S WEARING RED.

BACK TO AUSTRALIA

~ Peter is wandering around empty fields, contemplating what he’s gotten himself into.

~ Neil Lane has shown up at his hotel room, so he can pick out a ring that he may or may not give to Hannah Ann.

~ Peter is FaceTiming Hannah Ann’s Dad, asking for his permission to marry her. He grants it.

~ Meanwhile, Hannah Ann is staring off her balcony, thinking about how Peter might not pick her.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY?

~ Peter is set up in the middle of the wilderness, when all of a sudden, here comes Chris Harrison!

~ Chris: “There’s just something I found out about Hannah Ann. To be honest, I’m not positive that she’s coming.”

~ OH HOT DOG, WHAT IS GOING ON?

~ And then there were none. Dun dun dun.

~ Peter: “Does she know Madison’s not here?”

SHE DOESN’T BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T TELL HER.

~ Peter goes to lay down on a bed, which is what we’ve seen in previews all season.

~ We’re seeing footage of Hannah Ann being transported by car, down an empty dirt road.

~ Chris Harrison informs Peter that she is on her way.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY, TAKE 2

~ “Hi, Chris Harrison.” – Hannah Ann

~ Now she begins her journey down 14,503 steps to get to Peter.

~ She looks sad.

~ “A little bit of a hike to get here.”

~ Yeah, they dropped her off somewhere in New Zealand it felt like.

~ Peter begins his speech about their journey and says he has to follow his heart.

~ HE FINALLY TOLD HER THAT MADISON LEFT TWO DAYS AGO.

~ Now he’s complimenting her a lot and says his heart chooses her forever. Wait, what?

~ My heart is telling me something else.

~ Here comes the ring, all dressed in bling.

~ Peter proposes and Hannah Ann says yes.

~ Something isn’t right about this. There is still an hour and forty minutes left.

~ I SMELL A SWERVE.

BACK IN LOS ANGELES

~ Peter is going to see his family to tell them he’s engaged.

~ Barb is crying her eyes out, telling him they missed him. Did they not take the same flight home from Australia?

~ His parents look so scared that he’s going to say he’s engaged to Madison.

~ “WHO IS IT?” – Barb

~ “I asked Hannah Ann to marry me.” – Peter

~ “AHHHHHHHHHH” – Barb, crying uncontrollably

~ “We love her so much! We love her! We love her!” – Barb

~ AH, it all makes sense now!

~ At the beginning of the season, I referred to Hannah Ann as “Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann”, which was a play on the lyrics from The Beach Boys song that went, “Ba Ba Ba Ba Barbara Ann.”

~ It was right there in front of us this whole time. If only the rest of the world read my blog, so they’d be aware of how my wit cracked the case before there even was a case.

~ They’re FaceTiming Hannah Ann now.

BACK IN STUDIO

~ Out comes Peter to talk to Chris Harrison. I can skip this part, right?

~ Hannah Ann is watching on a monitor backstage, like she’s a wrestler scouting an opponent.

BACK TO LA, HANNAH ANN VISITS PETER 

~ WE HAVE A BARB CAM IN THE BOTTOM LEFT CORNER OF THE SCREEN.

~ We need an entire channel devoted to Barb’s reactions to this episode, honestly.

~ This is the greatest TV innovation since the first down line was introduced on football broadcasts by ESPN, which is under the same Disney umbrella as ABC.

~ #Connections

~ It’s been one month since they’ve seen each other.

~ Hannah Ann and Peter sit on the couch together and I’m not understanding anything they’re saying, but it doesn’t seem good.

~ PRONUNCIATE.

~ OR ENUNCIATE.

~ Peter says he badly wants to give her everything, but he can’t do that. “I’m so sorry.”

~ Somehow, they’ve already grown apart, but we don’t really know why.

~ Is this what happens when you propose to someone because they’re the only option, rather than your first option? Allegedly. Only Peter knows what Peter knows.

~ Peter says he is torn and conflicted. Does this mean Madison reached out to him?

~ “You took away from me my first engagement.” – Hannah Ann

~ Hannah Ann asks if he’s sorry for not being true to his words. He says yes and that he never envisioned being in this situation.

~ Hannah Ann seems more upset that he took her engagement “moment” away from her, than she is about their relationship ending.

~ Is it because she can’t post engagement photos on social media now?

~ I really wish they’d answer my questions.

~ “You’ve done enough damage.” – Hannah Ann

~ She gave him his ring back, said some dramatic final words, and left.

~ BARB IS CLAPPING ON THE BARB CAM! THIS IS SO WEIRD.

~ As a parent, teacher, or protector of children in any official capacity, your role is to support your kids no matter what. You don’t get to cheer for the other team from your own bench.

BACK IN STUDIO

~ Peter looks like he got run over by a Fisher Price lawn mower.

~ He says it was his feelings for Madison that caused him to be conflicted. Barb is shaking her head!

HANNAH ANN COMES OUT TO TALK TO PETER

~ She says she was blindsided that Peter told her he couldn’t give her his whole heart.

~ Barb is applauding everything Hannah Ann is saying. Oh man.

~ She’s going to adopt Hannah Ann at this rate.

~ Peter swears to God he would’ve never proposed to her if he didn’t feel that love in his heart.

~ Hannah Ann says he should’ve told her the extent of the final week in Australia, rather than just springing the whole “Madison is gone” thing on her two seconds before proposing.

~ He had two days to tell her and didn’t.

~ Fair point by Hannah Ann.

~ Personally, I think he decided not to tell her in advance because he didn’t want her having two days to think about what it means to be chosen by default. Additionally, if he decided not to propose to her, he probably didn’t want her to know that he sent home the only girl who stayed until the end, which would make her think he strung her along the whole time.

~ So I can understand why he didn’t tell her ahead of time and I can also understand why she deserved to know, too.

~ Sometimes the coin lands on its side.

~ Hannah Ann came to play tonight. She hasn’t been this articulate all season.

~ Hannah Ann says she should’ve picked up on the first red flag when Peter said he wanted to reach out to Hannah Brown for closure.

~ WAIT, WHAT?

~ “So, word of advice, if you want to be with a woman, you need to become a real man.”

~ BOOM. OVEN ROASTED.

~ BARB IS CLAPPING. I CAN’T WITH HER.

~ Hannah Ann exits, stage left.

AFTER HANNAH ANN LEAVES

~ Chris says Peter doesn’t know this, but he went to Auburn, Alabama. Roll the footage!

MADISON

~ Chris is sitting down with Madison.

~ Is this a parent swap? Is Chris turning into Peter’s Dad? We already know that Peter’s mom has basically jumped ship to Hannah Ann.

~ Madison regrets what she did and asks what happened after she left.

~ “He got engaged.” – Chris

~ Madison doesn’t look happy about it.

~ “Peter doesn’t know I’m here. He gave me news – Peter is single. He ended his engagement.” – Chris

~ “Is he okay?” – Madison

~ AND THOSE THREE WORDS ARE EXACTLY WHY PETER SHOULD’VE SENT EVERYONE ELSE HOME AT FINAL 3 AND PICKED MADISON.

~ “Are you in love with Peter?” – Chris

~ She says she fell in love with Peter but doesn’t know where his head is at.

~ BARB DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY ON THE BARB CAM.

~ Hannah Ann is also watching this unfold.

~ Madison asks Chris what Peter wants.

~ “I think in his dream, he would be with you.” – Chris

~ CHRIS HARRISON PUTTING IN THE WORK.

~ Madison says she’d take a second chance in a heartbeat.

~ “Guess we’re heading to LA.” – Madison

~ “Go pack a bag.” – Chris

~ SOMEONE GIVE CHRIS A RAISE AND ABOUT 8000 PATS ON THE BACK.

MADISON IS IN LA TO SEE PETER

~ Peter is standing by a backyard pool, as she walks up behind him. He looks stunned. She wants to talk.

BACK IN STUDIO WITH CHRIS AND PETER

~ Peter was expecting Chris to show up that day, but Madison did, instead.

BACK TO THE FOOTAGE OF MADISON AND PETER TALKING

~ It’s been three months since they’ve seen each other.

~ Madison tells Peter that her feelings for him haven’t gone away.

~ This Barb Cam in the bottom corner is going in the television hall of fame one day.

~ Peter: “I made a million mistakes, but I know I fell in love with you.”

~ He apologizes and asks what they should do, as they hold each other like a couple.

BACK TO THE STUDIO, I’M GETTING WHIPLASH

~ Peter hasn’t seen Madison since that day, but reveals he’s in love with her. Barb doesn’t look pleased.

HERE COMES MADISON

~ Wow, they didn’t even wait until after a commercial to do this.

~ Peter calls this a pleasant surprise.

~ Okay, they always have the final two on the final show, this should not be a surprise.

~ Madison says she loves Peter.

~ Chris Harrison asks them how this is going to end.

~ Peter says the smartest way to go with this is take it one day at a time because they both have a lot of healing to do.

~ In other words, they want the media storm to die down a bit, before they jump into a relationship.

BARB’S THOUGHTS

~ Chris asks Barb how she feels about everything.

~ Barb says last night’s show didn’t show everything. That’s code for, “I know people hate me, but the edit wasn’t fair.”

~ Barb says she went for Hannah Ann because she embraced her with love. The next day, Madison made them wait three hours because she didn’t want to meet them.

~ SHE MET YOU ON THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE SEASON, REMEMBER?

~ “When she did come in, we didn’t get an apology from her.” – Barb

~ Gosh, it must’ve been so hard to be flown to Australia and treated like royalty for a few days.

~ Barb says Madison told her she wasn’t madly in love and would not accept a proposal in four days.

~ Therefore, she endorsed Hannah Ann.

~ This all seems really petty.

~ Madison responds by saying you can’t change the past and that she came into this being unashamed of who she is and undeniably herself.

~ Ohhhh, Madison came to fight. You almost expected her to say, “I’m sorry I gave you that impression” but NOPE. She’s not giving an inch.

~ Madison: “I have love and respect for Peter, therefore I have love and respect for Peter’s family.”

~ SHE IS SO GOOD WITH WORDS.

~ Barb looks perturbed.

~ Peter is asking his parents to trust him.

~ We are now getting a back and forth spat between Madison and Barb.

~ “He’s gonna have to fail to succeed.” – Barb

~ “All his friends, all his family, everyone that knows him knows it’s not going to work.” – Barb

~ OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. SHE DID NOT.

~ Barb just wrecked her son’s face on Live TV.

~ Welcome to the Barb Tell All episode, kids.

~ “I love Madison and that should be enough.” – Peter

~ THIS IS JERRY SPRINGER.

~ Peter’s Dad finally chimes in and says there have been so many obstacles just to get to this point and you don’t start a relationship this way.

~ He says there are so many differences to overcome.

~ THIS IS AN UNMITIGATED DISASTER.

~ God bless Chris Harrison for trying to quickly wrap this up with an optimistic outlook, but it’s too late – the reindeer have left the North Pole and they’re running wild.

OH YEAH, HERE IS THE NEW BACHELORETTE, CLARE CRAWLEY!

~ Clare is such a nice breath of fresh air. She was my favourite on Juan Pablo’s season, which was also an unmitigated disaster.

~ She’s the first person on the show tonight to smile and mean it.

~ I’m expecting her to set a new standard for this show and take a “no nonsense” approach to all the yahoos who think they can get away with creating unnecessary conflict.

~ I’m really looking forward to her season and hope this works for her.

~ THE CREDITS ARE ROLLING AND CLARE AND BARB ARE HUGGING.

~ This is bizarro world. This is The Bachelor.

MY FINAL THOUGHTS

~ The whole season was fumbled the second Hannah Brown showed up on the first night and then, again, on the first date. So unnecessary.

~ The maturity level of the participants was at an all-time low.

~ Peter was confused in every single episode and had no clue what he was doing.

~ Madison is too good for this show and doesn’t need to be associated with it.

~ Peter barely stuck up for Madison while his mother ripped her apart on Live TV, so that’s an issue.

~ Peter’s parents have to learn to let Peter make his own decisions, especially when it comes to deciding who he wants to spend his life with.

~ This show does not survive without Chris Harrison as the host. They should give him a blank cheque after tonight’s proceedings.

~ The decision to send Sarah home in Episode 3 bothered me. I’m still not over it. I will never be over it.

Thank you to everyone who read my Viewing Notes this season. I know they can be lengthy and I know a lot of you don’t care, but to the ones who do care, I really appreciate your support! See you soon.

Tell me all of your thoughts on the finale. Go.

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Peter) – Ep. 11

Welcome to finale night, part one! This season has flown by. Get it? Because Peter is a pilot. That was an unintentional joke, so if you didn’t laugh, I’m not at fault.

Anywho, Peter has narrowed the field down to two.

Hannah Ann, the 23-year-old model from the South. And Madison, the 23-year-old foster parent recruiter from the South.

This comes after Peter was rejected by Hannah – the 24-year-old from the South – last season.

I’m no artist, so y’all can connect those dots on your own.

~ The show starts with Chris Harrison in front of a live studio audience, which means it’s time for Episode 2 of everyone’s favourite new game show: Spot The Men In The Audience!

SPOT THE MEN IN THE AUDIENCE – EP. 2

~ I see one, two, three, four men. Do I see five? I see five! Five men. Are there six? Six going once. Since going twice. Cold. There are only five.

~ This is down from the eleven men I spotted in the audience last week.

~ There may or may not be a third instalment of this game show tomorrow night.

BACK TO THE OTHER SHOW

~ They are at Alice Springs, which is in Northern Territory, Australia.

~ Who’s Alice?

~ This is the outback. Oh! They filmed Survivor here at one point.

~ Peter and his pink shirt, white pants, and luggage, check into his hotel room. Of course there’s a balcony and OF COURSE he has to stare into the distance, with a disposition that says, “I knew I should’ve packed my kite.”

~ Peter goes to meet up with his family, who flew all the way around the world for this.

~ He breaks down the situation to them and wow, his parents are active listeners. They have stage presence, as opposed to staged presents…though they might have those too. We’ll see.

HANNAH ANN MEETS THE FAMILY

~ Hannah Ann is already crying and she hasn’t even entered the house.

~ This calls for some impromptu vocal exercises. Shall we?

~ Me me me me. You you you you. Hannah Hannah Hannah. Boo hoo hoo hoo.

~ That concludes our vocal exercises. Proceed.

~ And we’re in. Let the questioning begin.

~ Peter’s mom, Barbara, compares Peter and Hannah Ann to her and her husband.

~ Barbara pulls Hannah Ann aside for a chat. She wants H.A. and Peter to grow each other and make each other better. What a sweet woman.

~ Hannah Ann starts crying and says how hard this process has been for her.

~ Barb says to not say negative things. If only she could’ve said that on EVERY EPISODE.

~ Time for H.A. to talk to Dad. Will she also cry in front of him?

~ She says it was love at first sight. Someone sign her up for Married At First Sight if this doesn’t work out!

~ Papa P. (no relation to Papa Poutine) asks Peter if there is anything lacking in his relationship with Hannah Ann. He says no.

~ Peter mentions that both women have his heart and he doesn’t know how he’s going to do this. Now he’s crying.

~ And that’s the end of the family visit. A lot of abstract art on the walls…or are those just circle mazes?

MADISON ARRIVES

~ Chris Harrison prepares us by saying that what we’re about to see “is so different, so emotional, you really have to see it to believe it.”

~ Really? That’s his tease for this date?

~ Madison has arrived and sits with Peter outside before going in to meet his family.

~ She is “not good”.

~ Madison feels like he puts his needs and wants ahead of hers, after she told him how she felt about him being in the fantasy suite with the other women.

~ Peter says it sounded like an ultimatum and like she was letting other relationships affect them.

~ They talk a lot about how unfair and difficult this is.

~ Madison says she feels like she’s holding on by a thread and doesn’t know what to do.

~ I think she’s gotta hold on to what she’s got, but then again, it doesn’t make a difference if he picks her or not. Bam, Livin’ on a Prayer.

~ Peter doesn’t want her to go and hopes she can meet him halfway.

~ HALFWAY THERE, OHHHHH.

~ If this were the musical version of The Bachelor, they’d break into a Bon Jovi song RIGHT NOW.

~ It’s eerie how I started singing that song before Peter even made the “halfway” comment. I just know.

~ Madison says love isn’t the issue here. “All the other crap” is the issue. Peter says they’ll find a way to get through this.

~ Peter compares this to the time Madison had a tooth knocked out while playing basketball and her Dad said, “I need you back” and she said, “Ok.”

~ If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Madison is Canadian.

~ They’ve been talking to each other while resting their noses on each other. The Coronavirus won’t like this.

~ They seem to have turned a corner, and that corner is leading them inside to meet the family.

MADISON MEETS THE FAMILY…AGAIN

~ Madison first met his family on the first episode of the season. She was the chosen one.

~ Papa P. asks them what the roadblock in their relationship was.

~ Madison says she told Peter it would be hard for her if he slept with someone else, but she loves him and sees a future with him.

~ The Dad’s name is Peter Sr. I wish I knew this sooner.

~ Papa P. asks Madison if they are compatible. She says they have many differences.

PETER TALKS TO HIS BROTHER

~ Peter’s brother looks more like Peter than Peter looks like Peter.

~ His brother’s name is Jack. 

~ Jack says he sees a perfect girl on one side with no issues, and then he sees Madison raising a lot of red flags.

~ WHAT? Have you not watched this season, Jack? I guess not since it was still filming, but you’re wrong.

MOM AND MADISON

~ Barbara asks Madison about how Peter isn’t on the same level of faith as her. “He socializes, he parties.”

~ Peter’s brother mentioned this too. He said Peter comes back from trips and goes line dancing and clubbing.

~ Is this a scare tactic? How primitive do they think Madison is? She came on THE BACHELOR for crying out loud.

~ Obviously, if they got married, Peter’s not going to be out clubbing, right?

~ Peter’s family is basically saying to Madison, “Sorry, I can’t hang out, I have family stuff.”

~ The visit is over and Madison leaves.

MOM IS CRYING

~ Is this the moment they’ve been teasing in previews since the beginning?

~ “She’s not there for you, but bud, you know what, I have to tell you something. I said a prayer last night. I said, Lord, please guide Peter today and guide Madison to see where they’re at in this relationship because you have a gem waiting for you who is madly, head-over heels in love with you and God put her there for you.” – Peter’s Mom

~ SHE’S TALKING ABOUT HANNAH ANN. WHAT?

~ Woah! This is a heel turn I was not expecting.

~ This whole season, I thought she was talking about Madison. NOPE! What a swerve.

~ I am floored. As I sit on this couch, I am floored. Couched?

~ Barb calling her son, “Bud” is such a heelish (villainous) tactic too. I’ve never liked, “Bud”.

CHRIS HARRISON IN STUDIO

~ He asks the crowd if Barb should’ve kept her opinion to herself. Half the crowd applauds quietly.

~ Is Chris Harrison being passive aggressive toward the mother of the bachelor? Yes, yes he is. I didn’t know he had it in him. Earn that paycheque, Chris!

BACK TO AUSTRALIA

~ Peter’s parents ask Peter where he is at.

~ He says he’s crazy for Madison.

~ Peter Sr. asks if he’s willing to risk something so perfect (Hannah Ann), for something he hopes might materialize (Madison).

~ How dare his parents try and rewrite the narrative of this entire season!

~ Barb brings up Hannah Brown and how she picked the wrong person last season.

~ His family is so forceful in saying he should pick Hannah Ann. Can they just let him make up his own mind?

~ We need to stage a retroactive intervention. Who’s got a time machine?

~ “Don’t let her go. Bring her home, bring her home to us.” – Barb, crying

~ And there’s the quote from all the previews. It’s about Hannah Ann.

~ I’m still stunned.

~ Peter tells her she has to stop doing this. That’s right, Peter! Tell her!

~ Peter’s mom is a cryer. I’m no Psychologist (I just play one on the internet), but this may explain why Peter favoured the girls who cried a lot.

ULURU – NORTHERN TERRITORY, AUSTRALIA

Chris warns us that this will be brutal. I’m ready.

DATE WITH MADISON

~ They’re going to take a helicopter to Uluru, which is a sacred rock.

~ Peter lists off some facts of Uluru while in the helicopter because you can take the pilot out of the bachelor, but you can’t take the….I thought this quote would go differently.

~ In a voiceover, Madison says she’s realizing they are two different people and it’s time to surrender.

~ The women in the studio audience are shocked. SHOCKED.

~ They’re sitting down for a picnic(?) and Madison gives a speech about wanting something so badly, but not seeing clearly.

~ “I’M WILLING TO WALK AWAY SO YOU CAN GET WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO FIND.” – MADISON

~ BOOM.

~ Peter asks her why she thinks she isn’t that person.

~ Madison says they see things so differently. God, she’s so smart.

~ This chat is going on for a while. Peter is trying to get her to stay, but she’s not giving in. She wants out.

~ They just gave each other a break-up hug.

~ Peter wouldn’t be this sad if he knew he wanted to be with Hannah Ann.

~ Madison is in the car and that’s it. She was going, going, going, and now she’s gone.

~ Surely, Peter is now realizing HE SHOULD’VE KEPT SARAH AND NOT SENT HER HOME IN WEEK 3 BECAUSE SHE WAS AN ANGEL.

~ Never forget.

BACK IN ALICE SPRINGS

~ It’s the next day and Peter wakes up sad. He says he was head over heels in love with Madison.

~ When it was down to the Final 3, he should’ve sent Victoria and Hannah Ann home. He definitely knew by then that he wanted Madison, but he took it for granted.

PETER AND CHRIS HARRISON CHAT

~ Chris asks if he can get over this heartbreak, or is this over.

~ I forgot to listen to his answer, but he has a date with Hannah Ann now, so…

DATE WITH HANNAH ANN

~ She is completely in the dark about what’s going on, which is why she looks so cheerful today.

~ Will Peter tell her what happened, or no?

~ An Australian man picks them up in his vehicle. DON’T GET IN THE CAR WITH STRANGERS.

~ You know things are serious on this show, when the only background noise is nature noises. When they don’t add in any music, things are BAD.

~ They are feeding baby kangaroos, before going to watch animals in the wild.

~ Peter sits her down and says he’s appreciated her being there for him the entire time.

~ He just verbally subtweeted Madison on a taped TV show. The gall.

~ Hannah Ann tells us she can tell something is off with Peter.

NIGHT PORTION

~ Peter meets her in her hotel room, wearing a zip up hoodie. She’s wearing a fancy dress. Which one of them didn’t get the memo?

~ Hannah Ann says she hopes she’s the person who makes him the happiest.

~ Peter reveals that this has been the hardest week of his life.

~ He says his heart has been pulled in two different directions, but won’t tell her that Madison is gone.

~ Hannah Ann is starting to cry. This has been a recording.

~ The evening ends and Hannah Ann says her heart is already breaking.

~ She says everything in her wants to cry and beg and ask him what will happen tomorrow.

~ Aha! So she admits to using tears as a tactic!

BACK IN STUDIO

~ Chris Harrison says we haven’t see the last of Madison or Barb. Are they fighting inside a steel cage?

~ He says Peter doesn’t know how this will end, but it will end tomorrow night. How ominous.

TOMORROW – PART TWO

It looks like Madison regrets her decision and returns, so get’cha popcorn ready.

How do you think this season will end? What was the most surprising part of this episode? 

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Love Is Blind

Have you seen the show on Netflix called, Love Is Blind? Huh, have you? Have you seen it? Have you seen the show? On Netflix? The show on Netflix? Have you seen it? Have you seen the show? No? Okay, I’ll tell you about it.

DISCLAIMER: SPOILERS AHEAD. THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING.

Love Is Blind is basically the middle-ground between The Bachelor and Married At First Sight, except the participants don’t see each other until they are engaged.

Fifteen men and fifteen women have ten days to get to know each other. They sit in pods, where they can talk to someone on the other side of the wall, but never see them.

Hence, the show is called, Love Is Blind. The whole purpose is to make a connection with someone, that is so strong, that their appearance does not matter.

By the end of the ten days, they have to get engaged or go home. If they get engaged, their wedding is in thirty days.

I think I was a few days late to the party on this show. It seemed to have taken off on social media before I even pressed play, so I had to forget how to read whenever I saw a tweet mentioning the show.

Is it possible to fall in love with someone, and marry them, based off of only conversations? Sure, I guess. I was skeptical, just because I didn’t know how many people would actually follow through with the engagement.

It turns out that eight couples got engaged. EIGHT. The show only had the resources to follow six couples because they didn’t think the process would work, so the other two couples got sent home.

Yay, lack of money!

Anyway, the participants had ten days, or less, to get engaged. After only five or six days, we were already seeing engagements happen and people meeting each other in person for the first time.

So wild.

The thing I kept wondering was, why couldn’t they let the ten days expire, go back to their normal lives, and then track down the person they were interested in on social media and continue some sort of relationship with them outside the show, without having to commit to an engagement?

Did they all just want Netflix fame?

The six couples who got engaged were shipped off to Mexico for a couples retreat. Nothing like vacationing with a person you’ve never shared a room with!

One couple lasted a day, before splitting up, which I’m sure the show appreciated because it was one less couple on which to spend money.

After the trip to Mexico, they were forced to move into an apartment together.

Each episode was around fifty minutes to an hour, and there was no reason for it. There was so much filler in every episode. They could’ve edited out at least 18 minutes from every one and you wouldn’t have missed a thing.

I felt like I was constantly clicking the “Skip 10 seconds ahead” button because there was a lot of empty space. The transitions from one couple to the next, that included shots of scenery and buildings, was at least 12 seconds. Come on!

And whenever a couple was getting ready to meet for the first time, they’d spend two minutes showing both of them standing behind a door, waiting for it to open.

There was so much extra content they could’ve cut out of each episode that would’ve made it a lot smoother. I found myself bored at times and wondered if all the hype around the show was worth it.

Personally, I found it hard to root for any of the participants on the show. They weren’t bad people – I just couldn’t pick any favourites.

When I watch The Bachelor, I always complain that we never see any real conversations. It’s just the usual, “This process is hard” and “I had a good date” stuff that never tells us anything about the people we’re watching every week.

On Love Is Blind, there were plenty of conversations. That was the premise of the show, so I guess it makes sense. But it got to a point where there was just SO MUCH talking. It felt like conversations weren’t edited at all.

Imagine being the third person in a room where the other two people are talking to each other, and you have nothing to contribute. That’s what this show felt like at times.

Like, “Are you guys done talking yet? We have places to go.”

If you plan on watching, feel free to skip the entire Bachelor/Bachelorette Party episode. I skipped through most of it because it was boring and I was too excited for the wedding episode, which was next.

The wedding episode deserves an award.

The first wedding ended when the groom said, “I do not” instead of “I do”, and oh man, did that moment ever give me life. Not because I want to see weddings fail, but because it was just so shocking and we don’t really get moments like that on TV anymore.

What followed was a distraught bride who ran down the street, before slipping and falling in mud.

I loved every second of it. I can say that because the couple is back together, though not married.

Only two of the five couples ended up getting married. Their weddings took place at the end of 2018 and both couples are still together.

The other three couples broke up at the altar and I pumped my fist each time. It was wonderful television. Terrible for real life emotions, but incredible for the viewer.

Someone should create a fictional TV show where the first scene is a wedding where one person says, “I do not.” That would pull the audience in for sure.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Lachey were the hosts of the show. I’m pretty sure they were robots, though. Every time they appeared, they couldn’t help but reiterate the theme of the show and say stuff like, “You guys fell in love without ever seeing each other” and “Is love truly blind?”

Enough already. We get it. We know the title of the show. We know how they met. Enough!

Oh, but it wasn’t enough.

The minister at each wedding had to read from a script and end with, “It’s time to see if love is blind.” It was just too redundant for me.

All in all, it was a good show with a lot of talking points. You’re going to have a lot of opinions on a lot of the participants.

I just felt like the show constantly used 28 words to say something that only needed 11. You know what I mean? Just give me a concise show. I don’t want the Director’s Cut.

Rating: 3.4/5

Oh, one last thing. I’m bothered by how many people enjoyed this show, yet will never watch The Bachelor and shame those who do. Guys, it’s the same show.

Have you seen Love Is Blind? What are your thoughts on the show? If you haven’t seen it yet, will you? Would you ever go on this show?

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FED Talk: Foods I Like

Welcome back to another FED Talk, my name is still Paul. Last week, I shared a list of foods I’ve never had. As expected, most (all?) of you were shocked by some of the things I’ve never eaten. That is okay. 

I will say this, though: At some point in my life, I know I’ll eventually try all of those foods on my list. Just not right now. You can call it stubbornness, opportunity cost, not the right time, or “waiting on the world to change”.

We keep on waiting (waiting), waiting on the world to change. 

Sorry, I had to finish the lyric or it was going to be stuck in my head. Now it’s your problem.

This time, I figured I’d share a list of foods I like. I tried to pick ones that aren’t as simple as pizza and chips, but are a bit more advanced/”out there”/less popular.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t know if any of these foods actually qualify as “out there”, but just go with it. 

Sardines
For some reason, I always struggle getting them out of the can. More than once, I’ve had the oil attack me. Other times, the little tab breaks off. Nevertheless, I keep going back.

If you’ve ever seen an Italian use bread to scrape the pasta sauce off their plate, that’s pretty much how I eat sardines. 

Dump them on a plate, break them into smaller bits, rip off small pieces of bread or a bagel, and pick up the fish. Shockingly, four small sardines are incredibly filling.

Tuna
I always used to have my dad make tuna fish (from a can) for me. He had the magic touch and knew how to mix it together perfectly. And then I gave it a try and accidentally dumped too much garlic powder in it. 

Since then, I’ve become pretty good at making it for myself. I also eat it by breaking off small pieces of a bagel and making mini sandwiches out of it. 

Mushrooms
I like mushrooms on pizza, in pasta, on the side of a steak, or mixed with veggies in a pan. 

Sauerkraut
Das good. As a kid, I always found it to be too sour, yet that didn’t stop me from adding some to my plate whenever we had it, which wasn’t often. In recent years, my Nonna has sent me leftover sauerkraut with small bits of sausage, and that inspired me to start making it for myself. 

I haven’t had it in a while – we’re on a break – but I still love it.

Orange Juice w/Pulp
That’s right, fight me. I won’t drink chocolate milk, but I’ll have orange juice with the pulp. That sentence really sums me up in a nutshell. 

However, for some reason, orange juice makes my throat hurt, so I don’t really drink it anymore. It’s always in our fridge, but I resist temptation. 

Bagels
I’m only including this on the list because I want to bring attention to the fact that there aren’t many good bread options out there these days. I’ve always loved crusty buns that make a crunch when you bite into them, but the problem with them is they don’t taste good after Day 1. If you buy five buns and freeze them, it’s impossible to get them back to their natural self. 

Outside of a few types of buns, I’ve moved away from bread, and into the loving arms of bagels. Bagels are like a pool tube.

Anyway, I’ll put the bagel in the toaster and then fill it with: turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, and then have provolone cheese or a deli meat like mortadella, make a cameo on top.

German Potatoes
They served these in the cafeteria at school, maybe once every two months, and they were delicious. I’ve been meaning to make them at home, but have never committed to the process of finding a recipe and actually doing it.

Maybe I’m subconsciously preventing myself from disappointment.

Lamb
Lamb is good. 

Fried Rice/Risotto
I never used to like rice, but now I love it, which is proof that I can evolve.

I attended a wedding when I was about 10 years old and there was just a heaping amount of rice on my plate. It was grey and wet and instead of eating it, I made it into a really tall pile, but it kept collapsing. Unstable base.

Fast-forward to five years ago and I find myself at a Japanese restaurant for a friend’s birthday. They made the food right in front of us – THE CHEF THREW A SMALL PIECE OF EGG INTO MY MOUTH FROM ABOUT 15 FEET AWAY; IT WAS AWESOME – and that is where I was forced to eat fried rice.

Lo and behold, I loved it. 

Also at that dinner, I had to drink tea with my meal because it was free and I was too embarrassed to ask for something else. You may remember that I don’t like hot drinks. The whole time I was thinking, “If only I had something cold to wash down this hot drink with.”

There were also no utensils. I don’t know how to (properly) hold chopsticks. It was rough.

And this is why I don’t consider myself a picky eater. Because if I’m forced into a situation where I don’t have a choice, I’ll eat and drink what’s in front of me. But when I have choices, I’m going to go with what I like because you can never have too much of a good thing, right? 

My friend saw me struggling and asked the waiter to bring me utensils. The waiter chuckled at me. CHUCKLED.

Meatloaf
When my family makes meatloaf, it looks like a giant brain sitting in a glass pan. But then you bite into it and it tastes like the child of a Meatball and Burger.

Greens
I can’t recall ever having a problem with greens. Most kids don’t like broccoli, it seems. I didn’t fall under that group. Whenever we went to restaurants as a kid, my dad would tell me and my sister in the car that he wanted to see greens on our plate.

Feed me the broccoli, spinach, rapini, salad, coleslaw, peas, brussels sprouts, peppers – I’m good. 

Green beans, however, I’m only lukewarm on. They smell so bad when you cook them and don’t really taste like much.

Olives
I love green olives on pizza. Black olives are no bueno, though. I don’t understand them.

I also like the dark purple olives that have pits in the middle.

Mint Chocolate
The mint chocolate bars from Laura Secord are my favourite. Laura Secord is a chocolate company in Canada.

I also prefer Mint Aero bars to the regular ones. 

Back in 2004, there was an ice cream flavour that combined chocolate ice cream with mint ice cream, and had small rectangular chocolate chips (they weren’t crunchy) dispersed throughout. It was my favourite and I can’t find it anywhere anymore.

Now, there’s just mint ice cream with tiny chocolate chips in it and the chocolate chips are too hard and, therefore, annoying.

Cauliflower
Love it, especially when you can add some tomato sauce to it. Maybe that’s just an Italian thing.

Pickles
The key is to never pick a pickle from the top of the jar. Dig to the middle – that’s where the good ones are. From my experience, the pickles near the top of the jar are too soft.

Curly Fries
I’m only putting this in here because I think we can all unite over them. 

Fruits & Vegetables
Gala Apples
Corn
Bananas (this includes Banana Pudding and Banana Bread)
Red Grapes > Green Grapes
Radishes
Carrots
Celery
Watermelon
Oranges
Peaches
Strawberries

And More. 

On Burgers
Lettuce, Tomato, Onions, Mayonaisse, Hot Peppers (if I’m feeling alive). 

On Hot Dogs
Mustard. That’s it. One stripe down the middle. As a kid, I’d put mustard, relish, and hot peppers, but a few years ago I realized I don’t like relish that much anymore. 

Shoutout to hot pepper relish. That’s good stuff.

I like ketchup, but I don’t put it anywhere other than on the side of my fries. It just doesn’t taste the same for me with burgers or hot dogs.

On Pizza
Combo #1: Pepperoni
Combo #2: Pepperoni & Green Olives
Combo #3: Pepperoni, Green Olives, and Sausage
Combo #4: Pepperoni, Green Peppers, and Sausage
Combo #5: Mushrooms & Green Peppers

A Word Regarding Pineapple on Pizza
It was good the first time I had it, which was in 2004 or 2005. Every time since then, I haven’t enjoyed it. So I’m confused why I liked it the first time, but never again.

Therefore, I won’t shame you for liking pineapple on pizza because that was one of the most memorable slices of pizza I’ve ever had. There’s a whole story and everything.

END

I’ll end this here, before I get into the fact that bacon is good, except when it’s crispy. I rank bacon as a C-list celebrity in the food world. I like it, but it can go away for two years and I won’t notice.

Anyway, thank you for listening to my FED Talk. Hopefully, it helped you learn a bit more about me and why I yam the way that I yam.

Yes, that was an intentional yam pun, do you even need to ask? I’ve never had yam. It kills microwaves. That’s a story for another time never.

Do we like the same foods? Do you dislike some of the foods I listed? What “out there” foods do you like, that a lot of people don’t? What do you put on a burger?

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