Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette Ep. 9

Welcome back to another “Oh no, my ice cream is melting!” edition of The Bachelorette. They are in Dallas this week. Get it? Dallas…Heat…Ice cream go bye bye.

~ Rachel sees a future with the final three men. Someone should let her know she can only pick one.

~ Each of them will meet her family before travelling to Spain to do stuff.

~ Peter is batting leadoff today and leaves the other two in what is essentially the waiting room of a dentist’s office.

~ Bryan and Eric are shocked that Peter wouldn’t propose to Rachel if he were the final one. Yes, because getting engaged after two months on a TV show is what everyone should do.

~ Peter and Rachel tell each other they are falling in love with each other.

~ Peter is sitting with the family at the dinner table and for the 86th episode in a row, no one is touching their food. I’m crying on the outside, not the inside, the outside.

~ There hasn’t been anything noteworthy in five minutes. I’m going to add some filler.

~ Let me tell y’all about the time I ate ravioli and meatballs. It was tonight and it was fantastic.

~ Mother Rachel is talking to Peter now to “ask the tough questions”.

~ “Why would you want to propose to Rachel?” This question is worth 5 marks, use pictures, words, and numbers.

~ “I really do care about your daughter. Yada yada. I want to wait until I know your daughter is the person for me (before asking for your blessing to marry her).”

~ 3/5 – needs more pictures and numbers.

~ They’re setting this whole thing up as if Rachel will marry anyone who will propose to her, rather than marrying the right person for her.

~ The appointment is over, no cavities for Peter but he has to work on his brushing. NEXT!

~ Eric, the dentist will see you now.

~ Just a heads up, Eric has never been in love before, but is about a week away from possibly proposing to someone he’s known for 2 months. In TV time, that’s about 12 days.

~ Not even a fortnight!

~ What could go wrong!?!?!?

~ Peter and Bryan are talking about their relationship with the same woman. Alright, enough of this cutesy shmootsy stuff.

~ Eric meets the family and greets everyone with a nice handshake and an over pronunciation of his name. No hugs.

~ Eric’s last relationship was for eight months. “She prepared me.”

~ Are we making food analogies now, Eric? I need a heads up. Thanks.

~ Rachel’s sister (?) tells her that Eric is “really sweet and really sincere.” She said the same thing about Peter.

~ This whole, “Using the same words to describe everyone” must run in the family. Remember last week when I said Rachel described each guy the same way!?

~ Man, I’m just that good.

~ “I can be the man I know I am.” – Eric

~ Translation: “I’m a big kid now.”

~ Eric just asked the mother if he can propose to Rachel. They’ve know each other for 43 minutes – 6 minutes in TV time.

~ She said yes.

~ You guys want to hear a song? I want to hear a song. It goes like this:

~ “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but can I propose to your daughter, I want her baby.”

~ And that sums up this show. Hold your applause.

~ Alright Eric, thanks for coming, here’s a balloon. No cavities. Keep flossing. See you in nine months.

~ Bryan, you’re turn.

~ Bryan and Rachel are wearing matching watches from their date in Switzerland. Eric picks up on this and thinks it means something.

~ It’s Eric O’Clock, kids.

~ Bryan is meeting Rachel’s friends who signed her up for this show because they thought she was that desperate.

~ “He was so charming the first night.”

~ Just a reminder, Bryan and Rachel sucked each other’s faces the first night.

~ Bryan greets the mother with a handshake as well. Only Peter went for the hug. #InstantAnalysis

~ Okay, they definitely told Rachel’s mother beforehand that Bryan’s mother has a poor track record when it comes to having a relationship with his girlfriends.

~ There is no way her mom asks what happens if his mom and Rachel bump heads, without a producer feeding her that info.

~ CAN’T GET NOTHING BY ME.

~ “Let’s have lunch. Would you like to have lunch?”

~ Hell no, I wouldn’t. They just come from brunch. Oh right, it doesn’t matter because “eating” on this show means, “letting the food sit on the plate untouched.”

By the way, I hate brunch.

~ “She was your girlfriend after a week?” – Rachel’s sister doesn’t know that they became boyfriend and girlfriend as soon as he was cast for the show.

~ They asked Bryan what qualities Rachel accentuates in him. He has no clue what “accentuates” means and excuses himself from the table.

~ Smart move. Get out of there. Don’t need pit stains.

~ This isn’t going well. The family is grilling him like cheese on bread.

~ OH MY GOD ONE GUY JUST PUT A FORK FULL OF FOOD IN HIS MOUTH.

~ An 86 episode streak has been broken! Where. Were. YOU. When?

~ “I’m chill until I’m not.” – Rachel

~ “I’m chill, but need time to thaw after coming out of the freezer.” – Me

~ “I love your family already.” – Bryan

Rachel’s Sister: “It’s only been an hour and a half.”

~ YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.

~ Did I not just say the same thing when Eric and Rachel’s mother met?

~ High five the nearest human or animal because somebody finally gets it! #RachelsSisterForBachelorette

~ Rachel’s mother is uncomfortable with the word “love” at this point. She doesn’t like Bryan.

~ Her mom doesn’t think you can fall in love this quickly.

~ “I love your daughter.”

~ “I will be proposing at the end of this.”

~ Woah slow your role. You didn’t even ask her for permission.

~ Oh, now he asks. Too late.

~ Back from commercial and they are in Spain. Why? What is the point of this? Stay home. Go to Pittsburgh or something.

~ Oh it’s fantasy suite week. If you’re unfamiliar, this is the week where Rachel sleeps with three different guys in three days.

~ But don’t worry, a week from now she’ll only be proposed to one of them so it’s fine……

~ On the first date is Eric. “He’s used the word ‘love’ in a very friendly way.”

~ Please tell me they are running with the bulls.

~ NOPE. A helicopter. See, they could’ve done this in Pittsburgh.

~ They are making a wish and ringing a bell three times. Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls” plays in the background (this sentence is a lie).

~ In wrestling, if they ring the bell three times, it means the match is over. Adios, Eric?

~ They are at dinner now. I spy some dinner rolls! Some untouched, neglected, just want to be loved, dinner rolls.

~ Rachel says Eric has been dancing around his feelings, yet she has told him absolutely none of her feelings. No wonder the guy is hesitant.

~ But she can’t tell him because that ruins the suspense of the show. So basically, one sided relationships are being built and they don’t know if she feels the same way until the very end.

~ I need a donut. That exerted a lot of brain power.

~ “Nothing else matters.’ – Eric.

~ AHAHA OH NO HE DIDN’T. HE JUST QUOTED METALLICA! BUT I JUST MENTIONED METALLICA!

~ I am brilliant.

~ “I’m just here to say that um I’m in love with you.” – Eric

~ “…that um I’m…” – I guess the butter is the only smooth thing at the table.

~ Ok, but go back to quoting Metallica and making me look smart.

~ Rachel hands him a card that invites him to the fantasy suite. Chris Harrison signed the card.

~ This bothers me every year. Stay in your lane, Chris H. Why are you inviting people to fantasy suites on behalf of someone else? We just need you for when there is one rose left, that’s it.

~ The next morning, Eric sends Rachel off and forgets to wish her good luck on her overnight dates with the two other guys.

~ Normal Person Peter is up next.

~ They are off to a vineyard which means they must be saving the running with the bulls for Bryan, right?

~ Oh look! Another elderly man appearing out of nowhere to tell them how long he’s been married. Once is a coincidence. Every episode is a script. Enough!

~ Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I hope you get lice.

~ “Raquel y Pedro”

~ I want the stats on how many glasses of wine each person has had on this show, both on camera, and off.

~ Peter believes an engagement is the same as marriage. Rachel disagrees. Peter isn’t prepared to propose at the end.

~ But before they can debate, a little girl from behind the bushes pops out. No! Go away! Scram! These two don’t have all day to talk, just when the cameras are rolling!

~ Nevermind the whole “I’m not proposing to you at the end” thing, they go kiss each other in a bucket of grapes.

~ Peter wants her to write their names on his cork. Yeah, I’m not giving that context.

~ Rachel is saying she didn’t come this far to just have a boyfriend. She wants a proposal or she’s not picking you.

~ This is stupid.

~ Rachel wants the glitz and glamour of a TV proposal. Peter wants an actual wife in real life.

~ Oh good, it’s over.

The reunion show is next week and I’ll tell you right now, I’m not watching it. I’ll see you in two weeks for the finale.

Twitter: @CappyTalks

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Discover

What a week last week was.

For those of you who don’t know, my blog post “Reflecting on Four Years of Blogging” was featured on WordPress Discover last Monday.

I’d like to thank Cheri Lucas Rowlands for making it possible, and for making my heart skip a few beats when she sent me the email back in June informing me it was going to be featured.

There are goals I’ve given myself for this blog that I don’t really talk about. That being said, I’ll tell you one right now.

WordPress used to feature blog posts on Freshly Pressed. Somehow, I ended up on there three times. And then it went away and Discover took its place. When that happened, my goal became to be featured on Discover.

I didn’t know how I would do it, just like I didn’t know how to get featured on Freshly Pressed. I just told myself that I’d try and make every blog post better than the last and if it were meant to be, it would happen, somehow.

Well, this past January I was included in a post on Discover with other bloggers, to provide my digital diet for 2017.

That was great, but my goal still remained. I wanted to be featured on Discover for a blog post I wrote.

It wasn’t so much of an ego thing, as it was me setting a goal that would ensure I didn’t get complacent with this blog. I used it as motivation.

Also, I really wanted that Discover image on the side of my blog. It looks cool.

So then the 4th anniversary of my blog came up on June 23rd and I wrote a reflection of what the last four years here have meant to me.

Then I put it on Twitter and the rest is history.

Between the comments on the Discover page, as well as the post on my own blog, I’ve heard from hundreds of people.

To be told that I was inspiring other bloggers – especially new ones – to write from the heart, and not worry so much about being perfect, is still too amazing for me to comprehend.

When I started this blog, I had no one giving me advice. At the time, I wish I did. I wish someone told me I wasn’t tagging my posts properly.

I wish someone told me to relax and stop writing as if it were a university essay.

I wish someone told me that blogging would get easier and people would care, despite what the three views and no likes on my stats page told me.

I wish I knew that stuff and a whole lot more. But I didn’t. I was a fish out of water and two months in was featured on Freshly Pressed, still unsure of what I was really doing.

I wanted people to know my blogging struggles when I wrote my 4th anniversary post. I wanted to be the person that gave advice because I know how desperately I needed it and never got it.

This place isn’t about views or likes, it’s about the strangers that become friends.

If you’re a new blogger and are feeling discouraged, I’m here to tell you not to. Keep writing. People can’t read your blog if you don’t give them something to read.

Seek out other bloggers. Find people you connect with. Build that bond.

I love sports. I don’t really follow that many sports blogs. Of course, I like to follow blogs that are about things that interest me, but I like following blogs that are about things I don’t know about, just as much.

It’s a free education if you think about it.

Also, many people have told me that they’re struggling to find a niche/theme for their blog.

I had a niche. It lasted for two months and I got bored.

The theme of your blog is you. That means, you can write about anything you want. Even if you are a makeup blog, or a book blog, or a music blog, or a sports blog, or a food blog – if a day comes where you want to write about a funny encounter at the grocery store, DO IT.

You don’t need a niche, you need your voice.

More than I look for blogs that interest me, I look for bloggers who have a story to tell. I look for bloggers who are telling a story through their words.

I look for bloggers who talk so passionately about something, I can’t help but pay attention, regardless of the topic.

I’m not vegan, but I followed about four vegan blogs in the last week because they caught my attention and are teaching me things I never knew. Also, food pictures.

You’ll be shocked to find out your “audience” can be absolutely anyone.

So, where do I go from here?

The short answer – to sleep.

The long answer – I’ll keep writing. There are a lot more blogging goals to cross off.

When I was featured for the first time in September 2013, I struggled afterwards. Sure, I posted a bunch of things, but internally, I felt like I had peaked. I felt like nothing I ever wrote again would be as good as my featured post.

That bothered me for a long time.

And then I realized that the best blog posts I’m going to write are about things I haven’t experienced, or thought of, yet. I needed to give life some time to unfold, so I could know what to write about.

That’s why I don’t really know what my next blog post will ever be. Life needs to happen first.

I already know of about three topics for blog posts that I’ll probably write at some point over the next few years, but I can’t write them until then. I don’t have all the facts. I don’t know what the order of the words in those posts are yet.

Until then, I’ll be here trying to make you laugh, think, cry, spit water up, or cause a scene in public.

At some point this week, I want to share some “blogging tips” with you but they aren’t going to be the cliche things you’re used to. These are real tips. They are things I’ve noticed new bloggers do/not do, that are hindering them.

I want to help. So be on the lookout for that post. It won’t be called Blogging 101, but it might be called Blogging 202, or Blogging 307 because I like random numbers.

Lastly, welcome to those of you who are new here! Grab a name tag and a pizza slice and awkwardly join a conversation. Also, feel free to take your shoes off and stay a while, this is a Canadian blog after all.

Thank you for all your comments, support, and love. Thank you for making me feel like I’m making a difference, while I sit in a dark room and stare at a screen during the middle of the night.

I’d pinch myself to make sure this whole blogging thing is real, but I’d look like foolish.

Goodnight.

Twitter – @CappyTalks

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Pets and Paul

Are you a dog or cat person?

It’s a question as old as questions.

By the way, this blog post was inspired by Angela’s post about animals which started with the line, “I’m not an animal lover.” So if you don’t like this post, blame her! Don’t actually…

Double by the way, I’m putting this post under the Humour category. Please take it as such.

Oh no, two warnings in italics. I never do that. That’s how you know someone’s about to be offended.

So, Paul…

Yeah, I’m going to be referring to myself in the third person. Didn’t you read the title?

Paul, are you a dog or cat person?

No. I am not.

You were probably expecting me to pick one or the other, but this is 2017 and I’m tired of pretending to choose dogs over cats every time because that’s the popular vote.

I’m neither.

From afar and through pictures, I can respect and appreciate both dogs and cats. Up close, though, I want nothing to do with them. I don’t know what to do with them.

Paul, you pet them!

Ok. No one has ever taught me how to pet a dog. You know how many rules I’ve heard over the years? Don’t pet there. Pet here. 

I have so many useless sports stats in my head, I don’t have space to remember where to pet a puppy.

Poor excuse, I know. Should I practise petting a milk bag first, before petting a dog?

Sorry, that milk bag reference was for the Canadians reading this.

Alright, jokes aside, I don’t really care to touch dogs. I don’t see the allure of going face to face with it and rubbing noses as if we just got engaged.

That’s what people who just got engaged do, right? (Or are their engagement photos, which have been taken by a friend hiding in bush, a lie?) They rub noses and wish for money to pay for their wedding?

I’ve had dogs lick my legs. What does that even mean?

If I went up to a dog and licked its leg, how would they react? Exactly. They wouldn’t know what to do. They’d be like, “What is he doing and where can I get a towel to wipe off the warm slobber he just spread on me?”

I’m just not comfortable around dogs. I don’t know what to do with them because 105% of the time I just hope they go away.

I don’t like apologizing for possibly offending people, BUT no offence to dog owners, you’re all lovely, I’m sure.

I’m very respectful of people who own dogs. Just ask Meghan how many dog related pictures and tweets I send her. Tell ’em Meghan!

Meghan….?

If I’m sitting watching TV, I don’t want a dog there with me. I rarely want a human there with me.

Also, I’m always worried that a dog is going to think I’m a toilet.

But Paul, they’re trained!

Okay, that’s something a person like me doesn’t really think about. I see a dog walking around the house without pants on and I think something can come out at any minute.

Always stay in front of its face, Paul.

I’m ignorant. I’ll admit it.

From afar though, dogs look majestic. In pictures and GIFs, dare I say they look downright cuddly.

Aside: I’m a big fan of the work of Scooby-Doo, Wishbone, and Air Bud.

But in person, I just want the experience to end.

I’ve written about dogs before and how they don’t like me. That blog post included the story of 1. Almost being attacked by a dog, and 2. Being chased by a three-legged dog.

You can read that horror-filled blog post RIGHT HERE.

As for cats, I don’t even know what to say.

I’m just not a pet person, sorry.

Even a goldfish. That sounds like Level 1 in the pet owning department.

I wouldn’t want a goldfish. For what? Companionship? It can’t even hug me!

Plus, it would be in a bowl all day just doing laps back and forth, while I stare at it wondering if I’ve given it too much food. What’s it training for? The Fishympics?

Also, do fish sleep? I’d probably set up a video camera to see if it rests it’s head on a pillow at night.

Double also, I’d whip out a stopwatch and time just how long their attention span really is.

As for other pets, what would I get? A bird?

I had a bird in my basement once. It came in through a vent, or something. It found its way back out, but for the short time that it was here, I named it Compass. Why? Because it had no sense of direction.

I’m creative.

I used to say that I wanted a pet chimpanzee, mainly because I think I could train it to be exactly like me, so then it’s like I don’t have a pet, but a younger brother who just so happens to never shave.

I can name him Harry. He could be a wizard.

It would be perfect. Chimps are a riot. Have you ever seen the YouTube video of a chimpanzee riding a segway?

Dogs don’t ride segways. Boom. Checkmate.

I don’t love animals, I’m sorry. I wish them the best and that people treat them well, but I just would rather be kept away from them.

*Insert story of going to the zoo for a Grade 9 french class field trip and wondering, 1. When is lunch? 2. What is that smell? 3. Camels can’t jump over short fences, RIGHT?*

I don’t even like walking by dogs on the sidewalk. I don’t like hearing them bark at me in the distance, either. I always assume they’re barking at me.

I’m petrified they’ll kill me, more or less.

Well, that’s it. I hope I offended all pet lovers equally, so no one can be mad at me in the comments section.

To summarize, keep your pets away from me. I don’t care about them. I’m not an animal person. I like animal crackers, if that counts for anything.

There was one dog I liked in person, even though I always felt awkward around it. It was PJ.

If you don’t know who PJ is, that line wasn’t meant for you.

Alright, goodbye.

Oh! One last thing.

For all the, “If you’re not a dog person, then I’m not a you person” people out there, I have one question for you:

Why do you have to be so snarky?

You can bark at me on Twitter @CappyTalks 

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

Chester

I always listen to music when I sit down to write a blog post. Most of the time, it’s a variety of songs by multiple bands or artists. Right now though, Linkin Park is the only thing I want to hear.

For the second time this year, one of Jimmy Kimmel’s tweets broke the news to me that someone I was a fan of had passed away.

The first time, it was Don Rickles. This time, it’s Chester Bennington – the lead singer of Linkin Park, who died of an apparent suicide.

My heart sank when I found out, for reasons I don’t even know how to put into words.

Growing up, I never really talked to people about music out of fear that what I listened to wouldn’t be perceived as “cool”. It’s silly, I know.

Enter Linkin Park. I liked them; other people liked them. And that alone gave me a sense of belonging that I can’t really explain.

In university, I remember sitting in a friend’s dorm room listening to Linkin Park song after Linkin Park song, and being introduced me to song of theirs I had never heard before.

Again, a sense of belonging.

I never went to one of their concerts, I don’t know every little detail about their band, and you probably can’t refer to me as a super fan. But like millions of other people, I was a fan.

In many ways, they defined my generation and at the forefront was Chester Bennington.

Many years ago, I remember going through their music on YouTube and finding a live performance of their song “Breaking The Habit“. It blew me away because here was a lead singer (Chester) in front of a live crowd and he wasn’t just going through the motions.

He put his entire soul into the song and made you feel it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to YouTube to watch that video over the years.

I listened to the lyrics today – and I mean actually listened to them – and they mean something completely different now. I always heard them and equated them to Chester’s battle with addiction and how he was finally breaking that habit.

But the lyrics don’t mean that anymore.

A lot of their songs are like that. Or maybe this is what they meant all along and I was just naive.

I listened to one of their newest songs, “Heavy” when it first came out a few months ago, but hadn’t circled back to hear it again.

Today, I went back to listen to it again and could barely get through it.

The opening line, “I don’t like my mind right now” hits you like a brick wall.

It’s just sad. Yesterday was sad. I don’t know how else to put it.

A few days ago, Linkin Park was on my mind because I was thinking about posting news of my WordPress feature on Instagram (I never did) and was brainstorming possible captions that included a pun somewhere.

What I had settled on for a closing line was, “Link in bio, if you want to read it; Link in park, if you don’t.”

And then that sparked the thought in my head, “Hey, I should listen to their music again and go digging for songs I haven’t found yet.”

I hadn’t gotten around to it, until today.

Music brings people together and allows us to get through things by simply opening our ears and listening. Chester Bennington did that for me and for millions of people around the world. That cannot be understated.

I’m sorry for his family. I’m sorry for his friends. I’m sorry for his bandmates.

I’m sorry for Chester.

Let’s take care of each other. It’s the least we could do.

Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do

Rest in Peace Chester Bennington.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

A Letter to Paul (Reblog)

Last year, I started a “thing” where I wrote letters to bloggers who requested one. Now, my first blog friend from four years ago is writing letters, too.

This is Shaz and this is her incredible letter (I’m biased) to me.

Please read it, she makes me sound great.

For The Love Of Sass

To Paul at The Captain’s Speech

Dear Paul,

Hi it’s your little blogger sister. I don’t even know where to begin!!!

Let’s begin with September 8th, 2013.

That’s the day I discovered your blog, and we all know the story so let’s do a little skip shall we? For those tuning in- you wrote a post about missing college, and that day I was beginning my second year of college and I absolutely HATED it. Your post was a wake up call for me.

Fast forward 4 years later, I am sitting at the top 10 graduate school for Public Health. And I LOVE school. And I realized that, 4 years ago when I was sobbing and reading your post, it wasn’t school that I didn’t like- it was my school. Does that make sense? As soon as I moved to Boston for graduate school, I LOVED my new school!…

View original post 448 more words

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50 Thoughts XII

1. I started watching Friends a week ago and realized I know a lot of people who are caricatures of one of the main six characters.

2. I am Chandler.

3. Ross and Monica kiss each other too much to be brother and sister. It’s a weird relationship they have going on.

4. I was fully expecting to hate Friends, but I don’t. I’m already on Season 2.

5. Remember when movie titles used to be, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe or Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets?

5.25 Now we get Cars 3. 

5.5 Yes, I realize those longer titled movies were books first, but still. Where hath thou creativity gone, oh Hollywood?

6. Bohemian Rhapsody is overrated.

7. I’ve been on a lasagna binge ever since the Christmas holidays. I regret nothing.

8. I finally found a brand of sauerkraut that isn’t extremely sour and I’m addicted to it. Mix some sausage in there and I’ll have enough drool to fill up a mixing bowl.

9. The Junior Chicken from McDonald’s should be a national treasure.

10. The word “Baseball” is comprised of two pieces of equipment.

10.5 It would be like referring to hockey as “Netpuck”.

11. I cannot stand the word “bud”. My mom called me “bud” once, many years ago. I told her to never call me that again.

11.5 “Hey bud” drives me up the wall.

12. I deactivated my Facebook account 13 days ago. It was just time.

13. Are there people who actually watch political news networks all day? If not, we should tell the analysts on TV they can go home. We don’t need 76 of them all in tiny rectangles on the screen.

14. It amazes me that Apple hasn’t come out with a Macrowave yet.

15. How the hell are we supposed to explain The Teletubbies to the next generation?

16. Birthdays should be optional. Like, “No, I don’t want to get a year older this year, I’ll defer it until next year.”

17. I don’t watch Game of Thrones and telling me “you should” isn’t going to convince me.

18. I said before the season started that the Toronto Blue Jays have a stale roster and probably wouldn’t have a good season. It’s July 19th and the rest of the fan base is just starting to realize this.

18.25 This is what happens when you have a bunch of fans who have only been following the team for two years. Oh well, they’re learning now.

18.5 Oh, and management still thinks the team is a contender this year AND NEXT!

18.75 God help me.

19. Being a sports fan is taking years off my life.

20. Back in first year university, we had a fire alarm go off in the middle of the night and someone was playing Don’t Stop Believing in the parking lot. One guy then said to me, “What song is that? God Save The Queen?”

20.5 It’s been 8 years. I’m still laughing.

21. TV Shows these days are all about high school kids, violence, crime, or Steve Harvey.

22. Game shows are dead, by the way.

23. I have an idea: What if when a celebrity (or President) tweets something, no one retweets, likes, or replies to it?

24. People got so mad in 2011 when BBM wasn’t working for three hours. Holy cannoli, it was Y2K all over again.

25. I had relish the other day for the first time in about three years. We’re in an “on again off again” relationship. Currently “off again”.

26. I was reading a book yesterday (hold for laughs) and came across the line, “Home is the place where the hole is filled.” Good line, eh?

27. I’m at the age where I’m starting to complain that burgers from fast food restaurants aren’t as big as they used to be.

28. I think I’ve only had potato chips once in the last three months.

29. It’s been a long time since I’ve watched a commercial and thought, “I love this commercial!”

30. Do kids still play Connect Four?

31. Just so you all know, the reindeer at the North Pole still aren’t letting poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games (Monopoly).

31.5 We are all bystanders.

32. Is a water bottle still a water bottle if there is no water in it?

33. “Tomorrow, I’m going to be five years old. Ooooo magic carpet!” – One of my campers, circa 2010

33.5 He saw a rolled up carpet in the corner and ran to it.

34. I haven’t seen or heard an ice cream truck this summer. Probably because no one plays outside anymore.

35. Call me an old man, but I don’t understand the hype behind face filters on Instagram.

36. The finale of Pretty Little Liars was dumb.

36.5 Oh what? Who said that? Not me. Nope. Thought you caught me on number 36, wasn’t me. I don’t watch that show. N’est pas de watch. Nope.

37. Je suis une bibliothèque.

37.5 Translation: I am a library.

38. Does anyone else listen to the same song on repeat about 274 times and then never want to listen to it again? I do. This might explain why I’m always trying to find a new song to listen to every five days.

39. I don’t drink coffee. Coffee drinks me. 

40. I think each day needs to be 26 hours. Those two extra hours could be used for napping/waiting for a pizza to be delivered.

41. I don’t like comedians who swear in their standup routines. If the joke isn’t funny without cursing, then you’re not trying hard enough.

42. Are we supposed to use hashtags forever?

43. Fidget spinners are hula hoops for your fingers, right?

44. Anyone who has ever been camping once, has at least two horror stories from their experience.

45. I fear that 20 years from now we’re all going to be diagnosed with some sort of new disease and the cause will be “too much exposure to technology”. It’s coming.

46. It’s 2017 and the WWE just ran an “illegitimate son” storyline this past Monday. I don’t know what this company is doing. They’ve been recycling storylines since forever.

47. If you’re not American, the WWE will put you in a storyline where you’re the bad guy and make you carry your country flag to the ring and have the fans boo you and chant “USA” at you because you weren’t born there.

47.5 Again, it’s 2017. Come up with a new way to generate heat.

48. Moment of silence for all the dictionaries out there that will never be opened ever again.

49. I have no idea what that Justin Bieber song is called. Desperado? Double Dutch? Doubtfire? But apparently it’s overplayed. I haven’t heard it once.

50. If you hold a frozen bagel up to a lightbulb, the thawing process is accelerated. Trust me. I’m a professional.

Follow me on Twitter: @CappyTalks

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette Ep. 8

Welcome back to another family friendly edition of The Bachelorette. I say “family friendly” because Rachel is meeting the families tonight. This should be fun, and embarrassing for all involved.

~ We start off with Eric in Baltimore. He is wearing a Canadian tuxedo.

~ They go for a drive and Eric points out a drug deal that’s going down. Romantic.

~ They are playing basketball on an empty court and Eric’s friend, Ralph, sneaks up on them.

~ “He’s the truth. I know you know.” – Ralph

~ Rachel is the first girl Eric is bringing home. This is also the first camera crew he’s bringing home. Two big moments. How will they capture it all? Oh…right. The cameras.

~ Eric’s family has a lot of energy and all 8(?) of them are squished together on a couch.

~ “She couldn’t watch PG-13 movies.” – Eric

~ Eric looks like his aunt, and his mom looks like his sister. I’m confused.

~ That hometown date was a bit bland.

~ Rachel is now in Miami to see Bryan.

~ Their first stop is Domino Park, as opposed to Domino’s Pizza. What a shame.

~ Domino’s Pizza forgot to cut my pizza once. I had to use a butter knife like a loser because university students DON’T KEEP PIZZA CUTTERS IN THEIR DORM ROOM.

~ Sorry, the grudge is still there.

~ Oh great, more staged mingling with the elderly. This reality show is so scripted.

~ Just once, I want a contestant to return to their hometown and say, “It’s alright here. I don’t really go out much.”

~ But no, it’s always, “I love my city. This city is me. I am this city.”

~ I’m shocked the producers didn’t make Bryan perform a chiropractic procedure on Rachel. Seems like something they’d do.

~ Just so you all know, when the final guy proposes to Rachel at the end of this, both of them will have seen the other’s family only once.

~ And that meeting will have been with cameras around, so no one is actually behaving like they normally would.

~ Bryan tells his mom that Rachel is “the one”. Drink!

~ The mom looks shocked.

~ I feel like Rachel describes each guy the same way.

~ “Open, confident, secure, ‘something about him’.”

~ Another bland hometown date. Where are all the wacky siblings?

~ “I am letting myself feel all the feels and it feels good.” – Rachel

~ “I am letting myself eat all the food and it feels nomnomnom.” – Me

~ Up next is Peter in Madison, Wisconsin.

~ He’s excited. He’s really excited. No kidding.

~ “I missed Peter.” – Rachel

~ “I really like Peter.” – Rachel

~ “I use short sentences.” – Rachel

~ They start the day by meeting some of Peter’s friends and they immediately vouch for him being a “good dude”.

~ Thanks, bruh. – Did I say that right?

~ This is why I’ve been calling him Normal Person Peter since about episode 2.

~ “I don’t know her outside of this.” – Peter

~ Peter is smart. He realizes this TV show has real life ramifications.

~ Question: How long are these guys supposed to be in love with Rachel before they propose to her. Six days? Seems quick, right?

Can I get some advanced analytical data on how many minutes each guy spends with Rachel? Just a running total for the entire season.

~ If they can calculate how many miles a soccer player runs during a game, they can calculate how many minutes Rachel spends with each contestant.

~ They are off to meet Peter’s fam jam, thank you Pam.

~ Office reference ^.

~ Peter is strategically holding his niece and Rachel is melting while watching them.

~ Peter’s mom “ships” Peter and Rachel, as the kids say.

~ Rachel doesn’t want a boyfriend at this end of this, which is what she might get with Peter. She wants an engagement.

~ If Rachel is so determined to get engaged at the end of this, doesn’t that mean she doesn’t really care if they aren’t ready to be engaged? She just wants the ring and proposal because that’s how this show normally ends.

~ I’m analyzing this show way too much. Someone do something funny.

~ Rachel is now meeting Dean in Colorado.

~ Dean is wearing a grey sweatshirt with a dress shirt underneath. I’ve never seen anyone do this before.

~ They are riding ATVs and wearing a youth size bicycle helmet.

~ Dean hasn’t talked to his father in two years, so their first conversation will be on national television. Oy.

~ They walk in the house and everyone is sitting on the floor. Dean asks where the table is because they would be sitting on the table if it were there? No Dean. Ask where the chairs/couch/bean bag chairs are! Ugh.

~ Dean’s father converted to Sikhism a few years ago.

~ Dean’s family has grown apart since his mother passed away.

~ Dean and his father are having a conversation/argument that probably shouldn’t be on TV.

~ Rachel sits down to talk with his father but although he’s glad that she’s there and has a relationship with Dean, I think he’s just done with this whole thing.

~ I don’t blame him.

~ The date is over and it’s Rose Ceremony time, but oh my God it’s Chris Harrison for the first time in two episodes.

~ Official Christopher Harrison Sleeve Update: Rolled Down. He means business.

~ Christobelle is now talking to Rachel about each hometown date. I’m going to fast forward through this because I have Monday Night Raw to watch.

~ Oh wait, she’s crying. I’ll stop fast forwarding.

~ “I feel selfish.” – Rachel

~ Selfish, as opposed to feeling shell fish.

~ Rose Ceremony time and Mean Dean is wearing a bow tie to honour the fallen Bow Tie Bros that came before him.

~ Bryan gets the first rose. I guess she got along with his mom.

~ Eric gets the second rose and I can hear Meghan “UGHHH” from here.

~ Normal Person Peter gets the final rose.

~ Dean is going home.

~ My bet is Dean is the next bachelor, since the only other options are the two guys who went home last week, who no one remembers, or…..no one.

~ I don’t really care for the rest of this episode. I need to find out what Kurt Angle’s secret is.

~ Dean is now in the limo and is bitter.

~ No one ever wears a seatbelt on this show.

~ They are going to Spain next week to meet Rachel’s family. Of course they are.

Adios muchachos and muchachas.

Follow me on Twitter @CappyTalks

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Stranger Cars

Settle down children, it’s time for a story.

I woke up yesterday and one of my first thoughts was, “Don’t get in a stranger’s car.” I don’t know why I thought that; I don’t know why half the thoughts in my head are there.

I brushed it off as one of those “teachable moments” for children. A child, I am not! 

Now, on weekends, I sometimes walk to a local plaza and get myself lunch. Doing so helps me stay in peak physical condition and provides me with blog content. That’s where my “walking home with a pizza box in the rain” blog post came from.

Also, it’s just really cool knowing I’m walking somewhere and there will be food waiting for me. The legs move just a little bit quicker. But not too quick or the sweat starts to build up.

I’m aiming for somewhere between a brisk pace and a mall walker. There, now you all know the exact walking speed I’m talking about.

Anyways, I started on my trek (this makes it sound like I’m climbing the Himalayas; good) and at the end of my street there was a little boy and his grandmother. They were about to cross the street, but before they did, she taught him to look both ways to make sure a car wasn’t coming.

I thought that was cool. You know, a nice, teachable moment.

I kept walking.

I got to a point where I could’ve turned onto a street and taken a shortcut. That was my intention. But when the time came, I didn’t take the shortcut. My feet didn’t turn. Steering wheel malfunction? I kept walking.

Not 7 seconds later, I noticed a car pulled over to the side of the road. I didn’t think anything of it, of course.

As I’m walking by it, the guy in the car honks at me and waves at me to come over to his passenger side window.

My initial thought was, “Oh my God, it’s happening.”

Then I thought, “I better not know this person from high school and have to pretend to care what they’re doing now. How will I casually end this reunion in less than 30 seconds?”

Don’t lie, you would be thinking the exact same thing!

I didn’t even think twice about approaching his car, my feet turned immediately.

I made a mental note of a few things as I walked up to the car. First off, the guy was smaller than me. I had the advantage, but I wouldn’t let that make me put my guard down.

Rey Mysterio won the World Heavyweight Championship in a triple threat match at WrestleMania 22. Small guys can win fights.

Sorry, wrestling reference.

Second, his weapon of choice appeared to be a post-it note. So unless he was going to slice and dice me and throw me into a vegetable soup, I wasn’t afraid of bleeding to death via paper cut.

I got to the car and he told me he needed directions because his GPS had lead him astray. He didn’t use the word “astray” but I thought I’d pump up his vocabulary on his behalf.

He mentioned a street name and Walmart. Suspicious, I thought. Of course he’s looking for Wal-Mart, who isn’t?

And then I read his weapon post-it note. There was an address to a sushi restaurant.

So where was he going? The sushi restaurant, or Walmart?

“Sir, we’re going to have to bring you in for questioning.” 

I listen to way too many crime podcasts, if you can’t tell.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t eat sushi. I stay away from the stuff. I was about to give up on this guy. And then I realized, hey, I know the street name he mentioned. I know where that is! I am smart!

I told him to turn around every now and then I get a little bit…NO.

Let’s try that again, without being interrupted by Bonnie Tyler.

I told him to turn around, turn left at the light, and drive straight, and he’ll see it eventually.

Top notch directions, eh! Five minutes after this encounter I realized that I should’ve told him the street with the Walmart was only about 5-10 minutes away. He probably drove off wondering how long “eventually” was. Poor guy.

So yeah, I wasn’t being kidnapped and I didn’t get in a stranger’s car. I was just helping a lost (and hungry?) soul find his way to Walmart and/or a sushi restaurant.

Teachable moment.

Moral of the story: I can’t leave my house without a stranger talking to me. I don’t say that as a joke, it’s the truth.

I’ve given directions to about 18% of the country. Okay, that was a joke. It’s more like 24%.

People just come up to me. I can’t explain it. Do I look approachable? Do I look harmless? Or do I look like the only guy walking down the sidewalk when someone is lost and needs directions?

I don’t know. I’ve had strangers seek me out in busy crowds, just to ask me something.

What is it about me that says, “I’m an info booth.” Is it because I carry a bell around with me on my shoulder?

That was a joke.

I’m not complaining. I don’t mind it. I just want to know what it is. And why did I wake up this morning thinking about strangers and their cars? And why did I witness another teachable moment – that lady teaching the boy to look both ways before crossing the street.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?

I texted my mom the abbreviated version of this story. She replied, “Good boy. You’re very helpful. So many people have come up to talk to me today, too.”

This is hereditary I tell you. My mom and I are magnets that attract strangers.

I can’t even walk down the street without being stopped. Can you? You probably can. Try it. Let me know what happens.

My fingers are crossed that I wake up tomorrow thinking of pizza because, surely, that will lead to a chance encounter with a pizza later in the day. That’s just how my life works.

The End.

Follow me on Twitter for more fun stuff @CappyTalks

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A Letter To Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Top of the morning to ya! Actually, it’s about 4PM. But still, top of the morning! 

I’ll stop.

I hope this letter finds you and your husband well. I figured I’d include him too, since I think it was on my blog where you first revealed that you and him were married. I had been reading his blog for months and had no idea.

If I knew you were about to break such news on my blog I would’ve set up an exclusive one hour interview and sold advertisements for it. I could’ve been the blog version of Barbara Walters. Oh well. It’s okay.

*Moment of silence for the ad revenue not made*

I don’t know of any other married couples who both have blogs on WordPress, so I hereby pronounce you the First Family of WordPress.

No need to thank me, though I do like gift baskets.

Now then, I understand I’m sending this letter to Wisconsin. I like Wisconsin for a few reasons. The first one being the cheese. The second one being the possibility of a snowy atmosphere for football games.

And the third reason is the university mascot is a Badger. That’s what my school mascot was, so I feel a certain kinship with Wisconsin.

Please note, that’s the first time I’ve used the word “kinship” in my letters.

I like Badgers. They look like one of those animals you don’t want to mess with.

But back to more important things – cheese.

To quote an accomplished scholar known as Wikipedia (when you’re that famous, you only need to go by one name): “Wisconsin is known as ‘America Dairyland’ because it is one of the nation’s leading dairy producers, particularly famous for its cheese.”

How profound.

What is your favourite cheese? Mine alternates depending on what I’m eating at the time. It could be cheddar, mozzarella, provolone, parmesan, or this round ball of cheese I eat at my grandparent’s house (the name escapes me right now).

Are there a lot of dairy puns in Wisconsin? Do the kids grow up playing “Truth or Dairy”? If not, they should.

What about pin the cracker on the cheese? Another potential children’s game. 

Ooh ooh ohh, one last one! (Milk)Shakes & Ladders. 

Oh man, the possibilities are endless. 

I assume the term “cheesehead” is an endearing term, though if I didn’t know that I’d probably be offended. Like if some has really bad dandruff and is called a cheesehead, that person might think, “Oh no, it’s because it looks like parmesan cheese is falling from my head.”

Then they’d wear a hat everywhere.

That was gross. Sorry.

Moo-ving on.

You wanted me to tell you about what’s on the other side of a black hole. I’m glad you asked because, fortunately, I know everything.

It’s not as doom and gloom as professionals will have you think, though it is pretty gnarly. 

On the other side of a black hole is basically a really big waiting room with beige walls, a TV that is always on the news channel, but has no sound so no one really cares, and a water cooler that needs replacing. 

It’s basically like going to the dentist, except no one calls you in and you just wait there forever until everyone starts asking each other, “How long have you been here?” and “What’s taking them so long?” Until finally they all realize that none of them booked a dentist appointment and they are in a place they don’t know much about.

That’s why it’s important to pay attention in biology.

Oh, they don’t teach you about black holes in biology? Whoops. 

So yeah, that explains it. 

You told me that one thing that interests you is people who are always smiling and happy. The first thing I thought of was clowns. 

Why do clowns exist? If they want to make others laugh or smile, I suggest they rebrand themselves. Call themselves Clowmedians. 

Or if they’re from Wisconsin, Cowmedians.

Ahahahaha. Again, I’ll stop.

I never expected to be talking about clowns today, but hey, things happen.

Last thing, you asked me if I’ve ever time travelled because I look familiar to you. I think I have time travelled. I saw a younger version of me on the bus last week. It was freaking me out.

His legs hung out of his stroller just like mine did when I was that age. He had my haircut. He had my face. And then he stuck his tongue out at me. If that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.

Also, I’m pretty sure I was a dog in a former life. Maybe you know me from then?

I feel like one day we will get a definitive answer whether or not time travel exists. No one has said it doesn’t, right? There is still hope.

Well Michelle, that’s all I have. 

I remember a while ago you told me that I’m known as “the sports guy” (I think?) when I come up in discussion in your house. I find that really cool. I never expected to be the subject of conversations in a stranger’s house, but I’m happy to know that I am.

Thank you for the endless support you’ve given me. 

To your husband, I hope the Brewers hang on to first place and can make a playoff run. It would be a lot of fun.

Thank you both and…..

Oh I just remembered, I don’t like blue cheese or feta cheese. Just had to get that in there in case of a pending gift basket.

And with that, I bid you both adieu. I’ve never said that before, ever. 

With cheese up to my knees,

The Sports Guy

Posted in Letters | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

The Meerkat Forums

Hey y’all!

I don’t know why I just said “y’all”, but it caught your attention, didn’t it? Good.

My friend, Ben, over at The Meerkat Musings has set up a forum (The Meerkat Forums) on his site for…um…(see what I did there?) discussing a wide array of topics.

Like all good message boards, you can talk about Politics, Books, Sports, TV, Music, and if you’re feeling argumentative – there is a Debate section, too.

I, Paul E. Whatchamacallme, would appreciate it if you check it out!

Also, take a gander at the rest of his blog. I rely on him to write about Formula 1 because he’s the only blogger I’ve come across who does it in a way that interests me. I thought I knew a lot about the sport, but his knowledge blows me out of the water.

Once again, it’s The Meerkat Forums. Thanks in advance.

To Follow Ben’s blog, copy meerkatmusings.co.uk and head over to your Reader, click on “Manage” which is next to “Followed Sites”, and post his URL into the search bar.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it.

DO IT.

Alright, thanks. Bye.

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