The Muffin Man

I’m not much of a dessert person. All those fancy, restaurant-quality dessert photos, that people post on social media, don’t impress me much. I don’t care for your squiggles of chocolate sauce, wiggles of caramel, and plops of whipped cream on top.

Whipped cream is disgusting, by the way, especially when it goes up your nose. That’s a story for another day right now. I hate when people put off stories for another day. Just tell it! We have all day.

Having worked at a camp, I’ve participated in my fair share of food eating competitions. Most of them were disgusting.

Watermelon was refreshing, but was tough given how hard it is to bite into half a watermelon without using your hands.

Pasta with food colouring was gross. It had zero flavour. Whoever made it definitely didn’t put salt in the water while it cooked. Amateurs. Do you even watch Hell’s Kitchen?

Bobbing for apples was gross, given there was another person bobbing in the same barrel of water. It was like a two for one shower.

Eating through a bowl of jalapeño chips to reach a poker chip at the bottom was just painful.

Picking up M&M’s with chopsticks was downright impossible.

Chubby Bunny was fun. The guy who won, rolled up his marshmallows into thin pieces before putting them in his mouth. There’s your winning strategy, kids.

One of my favourites was a tag team challenge where the kids picked a guy counsellor to feed grapes to a girl counsellor. Why was it one of my favourites? Because I didn’t have to do anything except feed someone else grapes at a gluttonous pace. Fun!

And then there was the one with whipped cream. I don’t even remember what the challenge was, but shoving your face into a plate of whipped cream was involved. It was a mess. It went up my nose, probably in my ears too.

For the rest of the day, the oxygen passing through my nose smelled like whipped cream. It was awful. But that’s not the reason why I hate whipped cream. It just tastes really bad.

End of (long-winded) story.

I’m more of a cookie, cake, donut, cupcake, and muffin, kinda guy. You know, all the healthy ones.

Special shoutout to the cinnamon danishes at my university. You were a wonderful breakfast, snack, and dessert. I miss you dearly.

When I was a kid, Hostess Cupcakes were my favourite.

And then somewhere around 2007, they changed the recipe! The number of swirls on top changed. The chocolate on top became softer. The cake part was different. Who even cares about the cream in the middle at this point.

I’ve been bitter about it ever since. I don’t eat Hostess Cupcakes anymore.

When it comes to muffins, chocolate chip is my flavour of choice. I’ve never understood why you’d want to ruin a dessert by adding fruit to it.

Time for another story.

In high school, I was on the intramural council. We wanted to do a Secret Santa gift exchange and go out for dinner. Sounds fun, right? Well, one teacher on council suggested that we save our money, donate $10 each to charity, and have an ice cream party instead.

I really wish I could go back and say, “No”, to that because I was probably the only one in the room who could’ve said, “No”, and immediately received everyone’s support.

But at the time, how are you supposed to say you don’t want to give money to charity around Christmas? You can’t. We were handcuffed.

The teachers supplied the ice cream and large, yellow plastic bowls, which left me scarred for life. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

The students – there were about 15 of us – were responsible for bringing in one topping each, which means we were setting ourselves up for a bout of diarrhea.

Oh yeah, this blog post just went there.

Anyway, I’m not adventurous when it comes to ice cream. Give me vanilla, mint chocolate, or banana, and I’m good. I stuck with vanilla since it was there.

I don’t care for toppings, but my scoops of vanilla were looking lonely in my bowl. Plus I didn’t want to field questions like, “Why didn’t you get toppings?” and comments like, “It’s so plain!”

Let me live!

So, I added sprinkles because I like sprinkles. Then I saw some luscious looking strawberries and put a few in my bowl.

I can’t remember if I got anything else, but the first bite was absolutely terrible. Forget the diarrhea, there was about to be vomit everywhere.

There is a high probability that the plastic bowls came right from a shelf in a store. I’m pretty sure we peeled off the barcode stickers before eating.

The taste of plastic had taken over the taste of ice cream. And worse, the strawberries also added their unique flavour to the mix. It was at this time in my life that I realized I like strawberries the same way I like ketchup – on the side, never mixed with anything.

I have terrible memories from that ice cream party.

Moral of the story: LET PEOPLE HAVE THEIR SECRET SANTA GIFT EXCHANGE AND DINNER.

End of story.

I guess this finally brings me to muffins. Ever since my favourite local muffin establishment, Mmmuffins, seemingly closed all of their locations around me, I’ve been on the search for a good muffin to take its place.

Because if there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s a fresh, moist, chocolate chip muffin. It’s been a long time, but I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for.

I present to you, Exhibit M:

Yes, the M stand for Muffin. This post isn’t about Meatloaf.

The muffin in that picture kinda looks like Paddington Bear’s hat from the side, doesn’t it?

This chocolate chip muffin comes in a pack of six, all the way from Peru. My family is now on our fourth pack, in the last three weeks. And by “my family”, I mean me, and sometimes my mom.

Honestly, I’ve had at least one per day. And when we get to the end of a pack, they’re still fresh and moist! Those are the buzz words here.

However! We had a mystery with pack number two. There was a distinct moment when I said to my mom, “We have three left.” The following day, there were only two!

I asked her if she had one, she said she didn’t. My sister said from the beginning she had no interest in them, so that ruled her out. So it must’ve been my dad, the notorious food sneaker, himself.

HE DENIED IT!

For the last two weeks, I’ve tried to catch him in a lie and admit to taking the muffin. I’ve tried to squeeze “….just like that time you took the muffin, right” into sentences to catch him off guard and see if he’d BITE and say, “Yes.”

Nothing. No one is owning up to it.

If you, or anyone you know, has seen a chocolate chip muffin that looks like Paddington Bear, wandering around, please let me know so I can stop accusing my dad.

Anyway, after the first few muffins I ate, I started to get mildly bothered by how sticky they were to pick up. That’s the price of a fresh, moist muffin.

Then it hit me like a marmalade sandwich. Muffins are basically cake. We eat cake with forks. Why can’t I eat a muffin with a fork? And then I got the idea to use a knife to cut it open.

The following photo is security footage of me, the last time I ate a chocolate chip muffin with my hands.

Don’t let the prior Paddington picture fool you, it’s a big muffin. It was like biting into an oblong gala apple.

Whereas with a fork and knife, I felt very professional and important, as if I had a private jet waiting for me, complete with leather chairs, mini fridge, and a server named Giles, who always had a towel draped over his forearm.

I also hated it. This is who I am now? A person who eats a muffin with a fork and knife? Who do I think I am? Regis Philbin?

Semi-disgusted with myself, I put out this tweet.

It started out with a tweet, how could this muffin be beat, it was only a tweet, it was only a tweet.

All this being said, I don’t think I can go back to eating a muffin with my hands. It’s like seeing High Definition for the first time. You can’t go back after that.

Besides, using a fork and knife is far more efficient. I have a whole cutting routine because I’m an exquisite gentlemen now.

Ahahahahaha.

I cut the muffin in half. Then I cut each half in half, vertically. Now I have four pieces in front of me. I chop each of them in half, horizontally.

Now there are seven, regulation size pieces of muffin in front of me. I know what you’re thinking, there should be eight. Wrong. I ate one when you weren’t looking. Keep up!

Om nom nom nom.

Hey, don’t knock it till you try it!

And I say that as someone who berates chocolate milk on a semi-annual basis even though I’ve never tried it.

Whaaaaaaat? Oh, save it.

Eating a muffin with a fork and knife has changed my life for the better. I don’t know how, but I do know that it hasn’t changed my life for the worse, so therefore, it must be for the better.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll try eating soup with a straw. Oh wait, I’ve already tried that. It was not good. Almost as unpleasant as the cup of hot chocolate I was given at the Rest Station during Winter Play Day when I was in Senior Kindergarten.

Yeah, I said it! I have beef with hot chocolate! It burned my delicate, little five-year-old mouth.

I hold grudges against foods, if you haven’t noticed.

I also have a grudge against cantaloupe, but that’s a story for another day.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this.

Merry Muffin to all, and to Paul a good bite.

What’s your favourite type of muffin?

Do you eat certain foods with a fork/knife, that most people eat with their hands? 

What do you think happened to that missing muffin from Pack #2? Would you watch a Netflix documentary about it?

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Posted in Food, Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Notivation

I just wrote 1496 words in a draft. I’m glad I did, even though I may never post it.

Lately, my keyboard has felt like quicksand. I have all these things I want to write about, but haven’t been able to muster up the motivation to do it.

Hence, Notivation.

So, tonight, I sat down with the mission to write. About anything. And oh man, a lot came out.

I like to think there’s an overarching theme to everything I write. That being said…

The post was somehow trying to connect my upcoming birthday, with needs vs. wants, and what if there was no calendar to tell us what to do every day, and then I got into how kids are taught to behave in school vs. how adults behave in the real world, and then I was arguing how the world isn’t fair, and that people with money have power, and certain rules don’t apply to them.

And just when I was about to link all of that back to rules in school and a world without a calendar, I stopped writing, and started writing this.

I’m sure a bunch of you are probably clamouring for me to post that, right?

To me, that post was about me writing the first thing that came to mind. It was about me moving the boulders out of the way, so I could write about the things I actually feel like.

And I knew if I published it, I’d just get comments telling me they agree or disagree with me, and that’s not what I was trying to do. I didn’t really care to share my perspective, or ask for yours, I was just writing stuff down.

Oh yeah, I also mentioned in the post how I’ve felt like a combination of a piñata and a hot air balloon, lately.

All these thoughts have been inside me, but I float away before someone can hit them out.

I gave myself a pat on the butt for that analogy.

Why the butt? Well, I thought I might as well make that sentence cause a reaction, seeing as how I didn’t actually pat myself anywhere and it was simply a figure of speech.

Writing 101 – Play with your words and they’ll play with your reader.

In recent weeks, I’ve found myself missing how WordPress was in 2015. There was just so much creative synergy between bloggers back then.

There were dozens of us, who seemingly posted something new every other day, and it was always entertaining. People weren’t caring about filling a niche, they were just writing.

We fed off each other. We inspired each other. Everyone’s comment section was buzzing.

I couldn’t wait to write my next post.

Three years later, pretty much all of those bloggers are gone.

And I’m not saying I haven’t come across great bloggers since then, but my Reader has never been the same.

Sometimes, I’ll blame myself and think I should be doing more to create that community again. I tell myself I should be writing more. I should be funnier. I should be more entertaining. I should be commenting more.

I should be the domino that falls first, to get this place back to where I know it can get to.

But then I’ll have these stretches where I have no motivation to read or write anything, so how could I possibly lead the charge?

There are some of you still here who may remember those days in 2015 where it felt like every single post in your Reader was a must read.

Perhaps I’m preaching from a high horse, when I shouldn’t be, but I am because somebody has to.

Where have all the funny blogs gone?

They’re under the humor tag, Paul.

No, they aren’t. Well, okay, a few are.

There used to be a looseness to this place. I don’t know if it’s a sign of the times, but whenever I go looking for blogs to follow, I find people trying to play the role of a blogger, rather than just writing.

So, with that, I encourage all of you to just let go of yourself. Open a blank draft and just write about what comes to mind. You don’t even have to post it, just let yourself free.

The blogging community is at it’s best when we’re all feeding off of each other. When something I write, inspires something you write, and something you write inspires someone else, and so on.

It’s not about me being the first domino. It’s about all of us wanting to be the first one to fall.

This is the end of my “Old man yells at cloud” spiel.

If you want to unfollow my blog, I won’t understand, but go ahead.

Happy Writing, and Happy When’s Day!

Play with your words and they’ll play with your reader.

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , , , , , | 42 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Becca) – Finale

One rose. Two bros. One stays. One goes. Will they propose? Who knows? Grab your snack and hold your horses, no wait, that didn’t rhyme. Take two. Grab your tacos and hold your broncos, it’s time to hand out the final rose!

Welcome to Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette Finale.

Joining me again to add her thoughts, as she has all season, is Cass! Go give her blog a follow.

Before we start, I just want to thank Cass for doing this every week. I know we’ve over-thanked each other – both on here and behind the scenes – but seriously, I really appreciate it! Normally, I hit a wall by Episode 4 and find it hard to power through these notes, but you made it fun.

I think I asked Cass to be a part of this halfway through the first episode, which was a terrible time to ask, but she was great with it and has provided comments this season that would have never crossed my mind.

I think that’s ideal for a recap like this – two perspectives for one show.

Hopefully, all of you enjoyed it. If you didn’t, then you’re lying to yourself.

Now then, for the final time this season, let’s do the damn thing! Sorry.

Cass’ thoughts are in bold.

~ It’s finally the finale!

~ We’re greeted by Chris Harrison, who is with a live studio audience, comprised of 93% women and 7% reluctant men.

~ They’re in the Maldives this week. Did they pack enough clothes for all these trips?

~ Wow, the Maldives are beautiful.

~ Garrett needs some sweat-wicking shirts.

~ My brother just joined me.

~ He hasn’t watched a single episode this season, stay tuned.

~ Becca enters a house and her family magically appears. I smell sorcery, or a big production budget. Can’t tell.

~ “Heeeeeelllllloooooo.” – Becca

~ What was with that hello she just did?

I have a friend who would do that, but it would be a high-pitched, “Huuuullllooooo”. Everyone would laugh. Becca got no laughs.

~ Becca tells her family that she’s in love with two guys. Her family was hoping there was a front-runner.

~ Garrett is the first one to run the gauntlet.

~ Yeah, you only have one shot dude.

~ “Hey, my name is Garrett. My mother used to call me Gare Bear when I was a kid.”

~ Uncle Chuck asks Garrett about the time he got married and then got a divorce two months later.

~ Garrett is now talking to Becca’s sister and starts to cry.

~ And here come the waterworks.

~ Becca’s sister approves of Garrett.

~ Her sister is 2/3 in making people cry.

~ The meet and greet is over. The family likes him. Next!

~ Blake is nervous and talking fast to the camera, but at least his pink shorts match the flowers he brought?

~ Wine and flowers, you go Blake.

~ My brother just pointed out that Blake talks like Johnny Manziel, I’m shook, I just can’t.

Yes, Brother of Cass (that made him sound too official)! I’ve been saying all season he looks like him, now we have reports that he sounds like him. Must be a cousin.

~ Blake pointing out that him and Becca would operate as a team, is the best.

~ BRB currently Googling the application process.

~ Becca’s sister thinks Garrett would be a wonderful father and she likes his silliness.

~ With Blake, she thinks he will be more of a teammate for Becca.

~ I called them Hair B&B a long time ago. I have no team name for Becca and Garrett, though.

~ No wait, we can call them GaBe. Just took the first two letters from their names.

~ Becca’s mom tells Blake that she doesn’t know what will happen, but assures him that he will be okay.

~ Is this a red flag, or a red herring?

~ Holy, Becca’s family is being tough on Blake.

~ Blake senses that something is off. Well, it is raining. That’s not a good sign, according to Shakespeare.

~ Becca’s sister with the great questions: Will Garrett challenge you? NO HE WON’T.

~ Becca’s family is torn and doesn’t envy her position.

~ “So glad I’m not you.”

~ Back in the studio, Chris H. lets out a big, unnecessary sigh before telling us that Blake is in a tailspin.

~ I thought he was in pink shorts?

~ These finales always slowly set us up for the climax. They did it last season with Becca – building her up, crushing her, and then reviving her to be the next bachelorette.

~ Can’t help but feel like Blake is getting that edit tonight.

~ Both men are gone and Becca’s mom says Blake is more on her level.

~ Uncle Chuck calls Garrett a poet.

~ “Be happy, just be happy.” – Mama Kufrin, the real poet

~ It’s now time for Becca’s final date with Garrett.

~ They’re going on a boat. If I had a dime for every time this show booked a date on the water, I’d have about $7.85.

~ There’s a dolphin! Thank you, God Poseidon! A distraction from the mundane chit chat!

~ Garrett got super sidetracked by dolphins lol

~ Now they’re swimming in the water, as Garrett narrates everything he likes about Becca.

~ Me and my brother don’t like his wrist tat…how have I never noticed that?

~ It’s time for dinner and Garrett talks about how he can’t wait to change diapers with her.

~ Don’t mention doo-doo at the dinner table!

~ Oh wait, they’re sitting on a couch. This isn’t dinner. I lied. Carry on with the diaper dilemmas.

~ Becca and Garrett are talking like two people who don’t know the cameras are there. I think that’s the ultimate goal for the people on this show.

~ Water works again.

~ It’s gotta be Garrett at this point, right?

~ Someone’s gonna have to check on Cass if/when Becca sends Blake home.

~ I zoned out for most of Garrett’s date TBH.

~ I’ve gotten to the point where I’m fast-forwarding through Christopher’s mini monologues in the studio.

~ Hair B&B are going on a bike ride. Not even a tandem bike. Separate bikes.

~ GaBe didn’t go on separate boats.

~ Awh Blake and Becca are adorable.

~ Oh, somehow they’ve ended up in the water.

~ I’m surprised the production crew has never planted a cheesy message in a bottle for them to “find”.

~ Chris H. has been teasing that whoever gets sent home has a meltdown that this show has never seen before.

~ CH has clearly wiped last season from his memory.

~ SHE SAID SHE KNOWS IT’S RIGHT WITH HIM!

~ Blake is currently walking on water, figuratively.

~ Blake made her a time capsule, which is a wooden box that looks like Splinter Central. Inside the box are photos and words.

~ My brother just said she has to pick Blake, I couldn’t agree more.

~ Basically, Blake went to the local Arts & Crafts store and put this together with a hot glue gun.

~ The humidity has gotten the best of Blake’s hair.

~ Becca thinks he would make a good partner in crime. So really, she just wants an accomplice to commit crimes! Someone alert the police.

~ OMG did she just hint at picking Blake…

~ That letter was what we all needed.

~ They say goodbye for the night and it’s raining again! The pathetic fallacy is strong tonight.

~ It’s the morning of “the big day” and Garrett goes to pick out a ring.

~ “Hi, I’m Neil Lane” – Product Placement in the 21st Century

~ Ugh, shut it Garrett.

~ Garrett clearly can’t pick rings out, that was not the nicest one…

~ Meanwhile, Blake is in the shower. More water.

~ Water = Tears

~ I see you, editing team. Subconsciously putting the viewer’s mind in a certain place.

~ Kinda may have zoned out for Blake’s turn, whoops.

~ Becca is proud of herself for pushing through.

~ I’m just in awe that she got Arie off that couch during their breakup. He was nailed to it.

~ Naturally, the guys are in their suits and getting a boat ride to meet Becca.

~ Finally, a nice dress for Becca.

~ Imagine being the boat drivers right now.

~ Whoever arrives first is the one she doesn’t choose. Chris tells us to prepare ourselves.

~ Thanks for the heads up, Chris.

~ Chris, we are more prepared than a kid on their first day of kindergarten. We even have an extra pairs of clothes, just in case.

~ Let’s freaking go” – my brother, losing his mind

~ The moment we have all been waiting for…

~ Blake is arriving first. Someone check on Cass!!!

~ Shit, Blake made it to land first…

~ No.

~ Just no.

~ The grim reaper Chris greets him and tells him Becca is on the beach. Blake begins his long jaunt.

~ “You know how much I’d be sweating on this walk, might need to stop for a couple beers on the way.” – My brother

~ Blake is going into his speech to Becca, as she stares at him with, “It’s not you, but you don’t know it yet” eyes.

~ Blake is sweating.

~ He’s sweating so much. Why isn’t Chris holding an umbrella over him?

Water has been a theme this entire episode with Blake. Now we get water in the form of sweat. The signs were all there from the start.

~ AND GARRETT HAD THE BOAT DATE WHERE HE FLOATED OVER THE WATER.

~ Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

~ Hand the man a towel.

~ That was the cutest choice of words, Blake.

~ Oh no, now it’s time for Becca to return serve.

~ She tells him they could be good partners, but thinks there is a better fit for them.

~ Is Blake crying or sweating?

~ It’s like there’s a rain cloud above him everywhere he goes. He’s dripping. Been there.

~ She’s walking him out. He doesn’t understand.

~ I didn’t expect this either, Blake.

~ Sweat Update: He’s wiping it with the inside of his jacket.

~ “I love you. Bye.” – Blake

~ “I’m sorry.” – Becca

~ No hug.

~ No one else will have picked up on it, but they pretty much just re-enacted the end of the Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels match at WrestleMania 24.

~ If Flair lost, he would have to retire. The ending saw Michaels line him up for a super kick to the face, but before he delivered it, he said, “I’m sorry, I love you”, then ended Flair’s career.

~ And away into the forest Blake goes. He’s walking by a bike. If that’s the same bike they used for their date…

~ They finally gave him a towel.

~ He’s now crying into a facecloth.

~ Cass Update:

~ My heart is broken.

~ What is love?

~ Honestly, what is love?

~ “This is horse shit.” – My brother (sorry for the language)

~ Blake is still crying and talking about how he has to do this alone.

~ Now we go back to the studio and there is Blake! How did he get back from the Maldives so fast?

Chris is wearing a black suit and grey tie, while Blake is in a grey suit and black tie. They coordinated this, right?

~ Is Chris Harrison telling us that he’s #TeamBlake?

~ Blake is answering Chris’ questions well. I think we can put him in the, “Too good for this show” category.

~ Blake is handling this like a true champ.

~ “Screw this, screw Garrett, his mom doesn’t love him” – My brother, as he stormed out of the room (excessive, I know).

~ There’s still an hour left. Pretty clever of them to splice the proposal with the after show.

~ Becca is now out on stage to talk to Blake.

~ This is honestly so painful to watch…can we just fast forward past Garrett proposing, to the announcing of the next Bachelor, please.

~ Becca says there was no “moment” that triggered her decision. Well that clears it up.

~ Her reasoning makes no sense.

~ Legit so disappointed with this season.

~ This probably just comes down to the saying, “When you know, you know.” Someone should feed Becca that line.

~ Chris Harrison hasn’t aged since the year 2000. TV makeup does wonders.

~ Blake and Becca even tilt their heads at the same angle when they look over at Chris.

~ BUT HE’S NOT THE ONE? OKAY, BECCA. OKAY.

~ Sorry, don’t know where that came from.

Back to the Maldives for Garrett’s proposal.

~ Becca tells him that she loves him, which is his cue that he’s won.

~ Garrett puts the offense in victory formation and calls for the QB Kneel. He’s proposing.

~ My Mom came in after the show ended and said this: “I was surprised that she picked him, but that’s fine.”

~ Did she even give him the final rose? Did I miss it? Did the rose have heat stroke?

~ Soo Becca and Garrett are engaged, we get it.

~ Time to think of the cheesy, cringeworthy hashtag for their wedding!

#GuessWhosBecBeccagainBeccasBackWithGarrettsHand

~ It’s wordy, but it works! There are no other options. None! Don’t question it.

~ Back in the studio, Becca and Garrett walk out to triumphant music. A real hero’s welcome.

~ Jeeze, her spray tan is really not the best tonight.

~ Chris and Garrett are not colour coordinated.

~ I still don’t like that ring.

~ Team Blake forever.

~ Becca says she realized it was Garrett when she found herself crying into a quesadilla.

~ We’re now seeing footage from their secret rendezvous-vous since the show ended.

~ I’m sure they’re only showing this to make Becca’s “journey” come full circle since it all came crashing down during one of her secret meet-ups with Arie.

~ Man, it’s like I’m a fly on the wall in the production meeting.

~ Becca says Garrett’s one downfall is that he snores. Garrett calls it a purr. Oh.

~ Why does Becca keep doing that creepy laugh…

~ They’re now talking about Garrett’s social media controversy.

~ In other news, I’m all of a sudden craving a cheeseburger. I can smell it.

~ I can’t lie, they are kinda cute together.

~ They are moving in together, splitting time between their two hometowns. Then they’re moving to California for a few years.

~ “A few years”. Until their fame runs out? Sorry, I’m contractually obligated to say it.

~ They have no wedding plans yet.

~ Hmm how long do we think this will last?

~ At least we don’t have to hear, “Let’s do the damn thing” anymore.

~ Only 15 more minutes…thank goodness.

~ Becca wants four dogs. Chris tells Garrett to run.

~ The show is sending them back to Thailand as an engagement gift.

~ And now Chris is leading them to another gift outside.

~ IT’S A BRAND NEW MINIVAN.

~ By “Brand New”, I mean it’s from 1994.

~ That’ll look great in California.

~ Oh God, a retro van.

~ They plug a promo for Bachelor in Paradise.

~ Can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise tomorrow.

~ C’est tout. It’s over.

~ That’s a wrap friends. Thanks again, Paul, for letting me be a part of this every week. I have had a blast!

Thank you to everyone who’s joined us this season, whether you’re a fan of the show or just a fan of these recaps. Personally, I take more pride in knowing that people watch the show via our words, than the television.

There won’t be Viewing Notes for Bachelor in Paradise.

Bachelor Viewing Notes will return in January!

Until then, go on a reality show and get married, or something.

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Clowns Aren’t Scary

It is said that if you don’t think clowns are scary, then you probably are a clown. Harsh, maybe. But don’t get mad at me, I don’t make the rules. Except in this case. I made up that line for the sake of an introduction.

The other night as I went to sleep, the sudden thought of, “Clowns aren’t scary” crossed my mind. I’m not sure why it did, but it did.

Better than a flock of geese crossing my mind, they take forever. Just put a conveyor belt on the road at designated “Geese Crossings”. That’ll speed things up.

Bam, fixed the world.

It made me think about all the times I’ve heard people freak out over clowns and how petrifying they are.

I don’t get it. I don’t think clowns are scary.

If you’re afraid of clowns, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be. I can’t tell you what to fear, especially when the lights go out and you hear a creak in the distance.

Don’t worry, it was probably just a potato chip….*creak*….two potato chips under your pillow.

I just don’t share the fear of clowns with you.

Truthfully, I’m more afraid of dogs than I am clowns.

*Pause for all the gasps*

I don’t trust dogs. From a distance, and via pictures, they’re cool. And outside of a select 1-2 dogs, I’ve never really wanted them near me. That is weird, yes, but it’s normal for me.

Are there evil clowns? I don’t know, are there?

Or are we just judging them based on their face?

To me, they’ve always looked like their little sister put makeup on them while they were taking a nap, they didn’t notice, and left the house to go twist balloons into shapes.

That’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for their appearance.

Watching the IT movie was like watching a comedy. There were points when I felt the clown was trying to be scary and I asked myself, “Am I supposed to be scared right now? Is that what they want me to feel in this moment?”

I was unfazed.

Even as a kid, I remember going to the Doctor’s and in some of the rooms there was a clown doll hanging from the ceiling above the examination table. I guess it was something for kids to stare at? A distraction? Decoration? An out of place ornament?

I never looked at it and thought, “Ahh a scary clown hanging from the ceiling!” It was just, “Oh, a clown. Can you give me my needle now?”

I’m also unfazed by needles. Always just stared at them and went about my day.

Is there a correlation between those who aren’t afraid of clowns, and those who aren’t afraid of needles? Or did I just create my own category?

Always hated the eye doctor, though. Dogs and eye doctors – blah.

Back to clowns.

Feeling in the minority on this whole issue, I put it to a Twitter poll.

Are clowns scary? Yes or no.

63% said yes. 37% said no.

I was expecting 80% to say yes, so I consider this a win for the No side.

If you’re wondering how many people voted, it was 1,782,243. That’s a fairly good sample size, if I say so myself.

Okay, it was 27 people. 27 people voted. Are you happy now!?

Three bloggers replied to the poll.

Christine said: “As if this even needs to be asked. Horrifying smiley jackwads.”

Reid said: “Yes, clowns are most definitely scary.”

T said: “As if you even need to ask!”

Upon telling T that I was writing a blog post about this, she said, “Please tell me the title in advance so I can avoid reading it.”

Now she has to read it, since I linked her blog. Ha! I get the last (and first) laugh here.

Notice a theme with the responses, though?

Where are the people who voted, “No”? Why didn’t they say anything? I think I know why. They know they’re in the minority.

It’s no different than when you’re in high school and are polling your friends to see who is going to something. One person says they aren’t going and then another says they aren’t, and then that turns into, “No one is going”.

When really, there were people who wanted to go but they realized they were in the minority, so they stayed silent.

I don’t know if that reference fits here, but it’s all I have.

So here I am, speaking up for those of us who are not afraid of clowns. Why did I just feel a cold shiver? Will I regret saying those words?

Ah, it was just the air conditioner turning on behind me.

Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I saw a clown in person. It’s not like they’re walking down the street, playing music, and ringing a bell.

They aren’t an ice cream truck. Why aren’t people afraid of ice cream trucks? They lure you out of your house. Clowns don’t. Clowns would never.

Clowns just need a new PR representative. Maybe film a few commercials of them helping people cross the street, or trying on shoes for back to school season.

Again, I’m not telling you what you should, or shouldn’t be afraid of. I’m just trying to understand.

I’m not afraid of clowns, are you?

Let me know in the comments below.

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

Just A Guy Watching Gilmore Girls

What of it?

About two months ago, I found myself without anything to watch on Netflix. I had just finished a spree of crime documentaries and wanted something different.

I was tired of the same type of show. I didn’t want to watch anything that had cops, detectives, or could be described as “dark”. I wanted something out of my comfort zone.

So I made it my mission to look for shows that I’d otherwise not watch. You never know what might stick.

I’d used that method last year and it resulted in me watching a movie – a romantic comedy called, Table 19.

Lo and behold, I enjoyed it, even though the whole thing was the exact opposite of what I thought I’d like.

“Everything you want is wrong.”

With that in mind, I went show searching.

The first show I found was called, Between. It was about a mysterious virus and a town and people and…I stopped watching after three minutes. I wasn’t feeling it.

I’m also now realizing that Netflix describes the show as “dark”. No wonder I didn’t get far. I didn’t want “dark”.

Then I found myself clicking on Goosebumps. An old classic! I had no interest in watching it, but I looked to see if they had a specific episode – the one where my childhood babysitter was the main character. I was curious.

They had it. I watched two minutes and moved on.

Next, I clicked on a show called, Cheer Squad. This is when I knew I was getting desperate. I clicked on it because it was a behind the scenes documentary style show about a cheer team.

I thought, I’ve watched shows like this for football, maybe it could work.

It didn’t work. Less than five minutes later, I was done with it.

Then I found a show called, The World’s Most Extraordinary Homes. Alright, this could be cool. Maybe it will give me some inspiration. Maybe it’ll give me something to aspire to, like a hockey rink in the basement and a baseball diamond on the roof.

A few minutes in, I felt like I had aged myself 30 years. I was thinking about drainage systems and snow removal and all the stuff that professional adults worry about.

Feeling my innocence being taken from me, I clicked away from it.

By this point, I was putting the “aged” in “discouraged”, when it finally happened.

Gilmore Girls.

It was just sitting there on the screen, daring me to click it.

When I was a kid, my sister watched Gilmore Girls. She would try and get me to watch it, or call me over to see specific scenes that were “good”. I didn’t care.

Truthfully, I thought it was a girly show that was about girly things. I mean, the word “Girls” was in the title. I just assumed it was a show not meant for me. Besides, from the few seconds I did take in, I had determined that the characters talked way too fast.

And for years and years and years, that’s how I categorized the show.

Girly and too fast. I’d make fun of it and scoff at any recommendations to watch.

Multiple people would tell me I remind them of Luke from Gilmore Girls, they’d send a YouTube clip, and then I’d say, “Yeah I guess I am.”

But I still had no intention of watching.

Until that night.

So I clicked on it. It was happening. I was going to watch Gilmore Girls.

How’d it go? Well, I’m currently on Season 3, Episode 8.

Dare I say I was wrong about the show?

It is not a girly show. The characters don’t talk too fast. If anything, I appreciate their quick-witted comebacks.

I was so wrong. I actually like this show. I like Gilmore Girls.

It’s a show about a mother and daughter, who are best friends, living in a small town with people who have eccentric personalities. I’ve yet to feel like I’m eavesdropping on a “girly show not meant for me”.

Do a lot of guys watch this show? Probably not. They probably have too much pride, or are like me, and thought the show was too girly.

If the main characters were a father and son, would more guys watch? I have no idea, but Gilmore Guys would be the title. Just wanted to get that in there in case it happens in the future.

I feel like we live in a time where there are no more “guy things” or “girl things”. Anyone can like anything. And from a male perspective, maybe we can start redefining what masculinity actually is.

There are all these phrases. Real men do this. Real men do that. I’ve never walked around asking myself if I’m a “real man”, or if I measure up to societal pressures. There are different kinds of masculinity.

I just try and be a respectful human being, who does the right thing, and enjoys an array of interests, while making jokes about most things.

I think that still makes me a man, doesn’t it? Then again, deep down I know I’ll always be 12 years old, so who knows?

Your actions define who you are. Who you are does not define your actions. Boom. Quote it.

Sure, you can call me a hypocrite for holding out on watching Gilmore Girls based on my misperceptions, but I’m also just stubborn sometimes. Get enough people telling me to do something, and I’ll do the opposite. I have to want to do something on my own accord.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that little spiel out.

Let’s talk about the show now. Most of these will be rapid fire thoughts.

I don’t like the theme song, straight up.

The comparisons between me and Luke are about 80% accurate. I feel like I fully understand why he is the way that he is. He’ll be adamant against something, but that’s only for show. He can be talked into anything by Lorelai because he likes her and his resistance is just his way of not giving in too quickly.

It’s weird, but I get it.

He’s not actually cranky, that’s just a cover, which is always blown when someone needs his help at a moment’s notice.

As for Lorelai’s mother, I thought she had a British accent for the first few episodes. Then my sister told me she doesn’t; she just talks like a rich person.

That was an a-ha moment.

Grandpa Gilmore is great. Me and him would be friends.

In Season 1, when Dean was introduced, I thought it was the prototypical case of the network getting involved and telling the show runners that Rory needed a love interest.

So I thought he would just be there until the end of the first season, when he’d eventually do something dastardly that would send Rory home in tears, leading to a break-up.

Nope! They were a couple until Season 3, Episode 7!

Do people still use the word “dastardly” in 2018?

Dean was weird. Didn’t he basically stalk Rory until she noticed him? His hair looked like he put on half at a time. It was very early 2000s. Rory looked too young for him. If Dean and Lorelai were a couple, I’d believe it.

What 15-year-old knows how to put a car together without any help? Just because he wore a leather jacket doesn’t make him a mechanic. I wasn’t buying it.

And then the way he broke up with Rory, let’s go through this.

There was a 24-Hour dance in the school gymnasium, which started at 6AM. The last couple left dancing, would win. Naturally, Lorelai and Rory were a team. They were joined by about 150 other couples.

As soon as it started, everyone took off to a flying start, like they were filming a musical. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, “CONSERVE YOUR ENERGY!”

Poor strategy by everyone.

Anyway, 23 hours pass and they’re down to the final six couples. One of the couples were senior citizens. I couldn’t believe it. More power to them, but I just figured this test of endurance would favour the younger participants.

Then they cut away from the dance, and Seth Cohen from The OC shows up to talk to Lane and her mother. Based on simple math, he showed up to “check out” the dance at 5AM. What? That makes no sense. That’s 2AM west coast time, which is still late. Go back to California, Seth.

Note: The actor who played Seth Cohen in The OC, also plays a character in Gilmore Girls. Now read that last paragraph again, if you didn’t understand.

Back to the dance. Dean starts yelling at Rory and breaks up with her because it’s obvious that she likes Jess, and hasn’t been interested in him since the beginning of Season 2.

Took him long enough.

Not sure where the show goes from here. Jess and Rory are now in their awkward phase.

That can’t last, though, because Jess is Luke’s nephew and Luke and Lorelai will eventually end up together, right? They’ll end up together, RIGHT?

Don’t answer that. I don’t want spoilers. But if they aren’t a couple by the end of this show, something is wrong.

Sookie is great. Took me a few episodes to realize it’s Melissa McCarthy.

Taylor is great. He’s obnoxiously entertaining.

Does Michel actually have that accent in real life?

Kirk looks like the kind of guy who would try out for television game shows, wouldn’t hear back, and then go to Blockbuster to pick out three movies and microwavable popcorn.

Paris is played by the same actress who plays Bonnie in How To Get Away With Murder. That took some getting use to.

Paris’ friend Louise, I recognize from a TV movie from 2002 called Double Teamed. She had brown hair in that movie, but the same voice, which is how I caught on.

Nothing gets by me.

Tristan got written out of the show because he had to go film One Tree Hill.

I felt like a very knowledgable viewer. I guess this is what happens when you wait 15+ years to watch a show.

I think that covers most of my thoughts on the show. If you want to hear my opinion on something I didn’t mention, ask me about it. Just don’t spoil anything.

So there it is in black and white.

I’m just a guy watching Gilmore Girls.

What of it?

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 62 Comments

Let Me

Take me away
away from here
from the sound
the smell
and the mirror
let me breathe
away from here
where I can talk
be heard
and speak more
than one word
let me be
away from here
where I don’t
have to look
over my shoulder
and feel every look
getting colder
and colder
let me stand
away from here
up straight
with no weight
pushing me down
let me do
away from here
be how
I need to
and don’t ask
what or who
let me live
away from here
one day
some day
another day
let me be
just let me be.

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Becca) – Ep. 9

We are gathered here today to join Becca and three guys in Holy Mattress-mony. If there is anyone who thinks Becca should not go through with these fantasy suite dates, tweet now, or forever hold your phone in your hand.

And guess who’s back, back again, Cass is back, tell a friend!

Her thoughts will be in bold.

~ Hello Thailand!

~ They are in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I’m hoping this turns into an episode of The Amazing Race and they all get lost.

Then “Lost in Love” by Air Supply will play in the background. By the end of these notes, that reference will come to fruition.

~ I have my popcorn ready for this Monday.

~ Is it just me, or has Becca’s season been more budget friendly than other seasons?

~ They go to these fancy places but always go for the “broke college student” options.

~ Ouu she just said she loves Garrett.

~ Not in love with Jason yet, hmm I don’t see that happening.

~ She sees a future with Blake.

~ And that’s number two, she’s also in love with Blake.

~ Hmm…

~ Blake is getting the first date. He is wearing red shoes – a nod to Red Shoes in NJPW, surely.

~ They are on sacred grounds and aren’t allowed to touch each other.

~ Five minutes ago, Becca said this was one of the most romantic places she’s ever been. Now she’s complaining they can’t touch.

~ They crossed the threshold, holding hands…

~ They are now being blessed by a Buddhist monk.

~ They’re at dinner now and we learn they haven’t seen each other in two weeks.

~ WHY THE HECK DID YOU JUST BRING UP ARIE, UGHHHHH

~ Now I’m stress eating my popcorn like crazy.

~ This episode is already dragging. 100 minutes left. Lord give me wit.

~ AHHH, Blake is a serious dream.

~ “I look for a reason to stay.”

~ She’s pulled out the fantasy suite card, written out by Chris Harrison, or some intern who has legible handwriting.

~ This whole thing makes Chris H. look like the Accommodations Officer. Chris did none of this. He just shows up.

~ First fantasy suite of the night!

~ Blake and Becca head to their room.

~ Behind The Notes: After Episode 1, Cass sent me her notes and said I could cut out anything she wrote. I said I’d leave everything in. Fast forward to Episode 9….

~ Blake is probably a good cuddler…

~ Sorry Paul.

~ And that right there is why this is the best Bachelorette recap on the internet.

~ Bachelor Monday has become Cuddler Monday. So pull up a person, or a pillow/bag of chips/your own arms, I guess.

~ Blake is scared this is the last time he’ll wake up next to Becca.

~ “I don’t want this to be the last night waking up next to you.” Damn Blake, you’re killing me, dude.

~ We instantly transition into Jason’s date.

~ They are headed to the Sunday market to explore and take photos for Instagram so they can tag it with #wanderlust.

~ Jason thinks he has found his best friend. Oh good!

~ All of a sudden, Becca realizes she can’t see a future with Jason. Oh no…

~ Oh shoot, this date just got awkward.

~ Nevertheless, they’re still going to go for dinner and she’s not going to tell him. He thinks their relationship has reached the next level.

~ Jason is just emptying his heart out to her and she’s going to let it drain before telling him he’s not the one.

~ She has now excused herself from dinner because she’s in love with two other guys and doesn’t want to tell him.

~ I don’t think there’s any food on their table. Hark!

~ Waiter! Can we get some more rolls and butter?

~ “I just don’t think we can get there at the end.” – Becca

~ She’s used that line at least three times this season. It’s trademarked.

~ In the span of about 20 minutes, Jason found out that Becca wasn’t feeling it anymore and is sending him home. Before that, he was walking on sunshine.

~ Man, 100 to 0 real quick. Did I say it right? I tried to be more current with my song references.

~ Honestly not sure how Jason made it this far to be honest.

~ It’s the next morning and we’re supposed to believe that Becca is sleeping in an uncomfortable position on the couch, as the cameraman lurks around her.

~ Oh, she’s awake! And goes straight to the window!

~ This is fake. No one opens their eyes first thing in the morning, rushes to stare out the window, and doesn’t even squint!

~ Garrett and Becca are going on a bamboo raft.

~ It is a Thai national holiday, so everyone and their elephant are rafting today.

~ Seriously, there was an elephant.

~ They’re sitting off to the side playing footsies. Garrett has a tattoo on his left foot.

~ Becca keeps bringing up Arie this season. Almost as if they filmed this while her breakup was still fresh.

~ Garrett tells her he’s never been this happy in his entire life.

~ They’re off to the fantasy suite, which is a tent that is accessible by a spiral staircase.

~ Clearly they brought back the tent fantasy suite this season because Becca was the one who got it last season with Arie.

~ This is probably foreshadowing.

~ It’s the next morning and the fruit tray gets ignored for the second time this episode.

~ #GiveFruitAChance

~ I may or may not have zoned out for her date with Garrett.

~ Whoops.

~ Becca is back at her hotel, staring out her window again.

~ If she likes it so much why doesn’t she marry it?

~ Oh look, Jason is back. Does he think Becca is a grocery store? There are no returns! This analogy made more sense in my head.

~ Becca is in suite 1106. Jason, somehow, knew this.

~ “Welcome to my room. Check out this window!”

~ Jason says there was no justification for where this came from or how quickly it came.

~ Have you watched the show? There’s a format.

~ I’m skipping through this chat. I’ve seen it every season.

~ They’ll both compliment each other, Jason will ask if her mind is made up, she’ll say it is, then she’ll walk him to the door, and he’ll walk away slowly.

~ I missed the part where he gives her a scrapbook, which he somehow got materials for while being under Bachelorette house arrest for two months.

~ He’s being set up to be the next Bachelor, isn’t he?

~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris welcomes Blake.

~ Now Chris welcomes Garrett. He gives them access through a gate.

~ Who does he think he is, God?

~ So we’re having a Rose Ceremony with only two guys?

~ I may have zoned out for a while.

~ Becca pulls up in her boat.

~ “Ahoy, soul-matey!” – The guys missed their opportunity to say this. Can I be a script writer for this show?

~ And then Chris Harrison would come over and say, “I ship it”, to keep with the boat theme. Ugh.

~ They’re too busy wondering what happened to Jason. IT’S OBVIOUS.

~ Jason got caught up playing The Amazing Race in Thailand and now he’s lost in love because he didn’t know much, was thinking aloud and fell out of touch, but a few months from now he’ll be back on his feet, eager to be what a room of 25 women wanted.

~ Yes, those were song lyrics that I customized to fit the narrative. I warned you that would happen.

~ Becca is seriously torn here, you can tell.

~ Who does she think she is, Natalie Imbruglia?

~ I’m sorry, I can’t help myself.

~ “Hey guys. I sent Jason home…well, he’s actually in his hotel room ordering room service and staring out a window that isn’t as nice as mine.”

~ Garrett gets the first rose.

~ Blake gets the second rose.

~ Wait, was that the last rose? Chris didn’t jump in to point out it was the last rose.

~ It’s Blake vs. Garrett.

~ Garrett just told Becca he “can’t wait to meet your people”.

~ Interesting Word Choice for $400, Alex.

~ They’re heading to the Maldives.

~ For a second there, I thought she was going to say their headed to the mall.

~ GUYS, Men Tell All is next week!

~ Cannot wait for all this drama.

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog. If you wish to forgo the comment section, please take this key, throw it in the river, and stay in a flimsy tent. – Chris Harrison

Let us know what you thought of last night’s episode, these notes, elephants, or anything else!

Over and out.

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The DeRozan Trade

Today was a frustrating day. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start with the facts, and a few deep breaths.

The Toronto Raptors traded DeMar DeRozan, Jakob Poeltl, and a protected 2019 first round pick, to the San Antonio Spurs for Kawhi Leonard and Danny Green.

Leonard wanted out of San Antonio, while DeRozan was nothing but loyal to Toronto.

I think this is the part where I state that I have been a fan of DeRozan since the Raptors drafted him in 2009 with the 9th overall selection. I currently own a Raptors jersey with his name on it.

I am a Raptors fan.

Yet, unlike most of the fan base, I am okay with this trade.

I like this trade.

Do I need to say it again? I like this trade.

DeRozan suggested via Instagram story that the Raptors told him they weren’t going to trade him, so now he feels betrayed.

I have no reason to believe he’s lying about that, but I also have a hard time believing the Raptors stated, “There’s no chance you’re going anywhere” when the management team has been nothing but open about the fact that no one on the roster is untouchable.

DeRozan has every right to feel upset. He wanted to be a Raptor for life. That got taken away from him.

The backlash from fans is, “How could you trade away our franchise player? A guy who actually wanted to be in Toronto?”

Listen, I can get more sentimental about sports than anyone, but you have to take the emotional aspect out of this. This isn’t your college team. This is professional sports.

Meanwhile, there was a tweet that went out saying Leonard has no desire to play in Toronto.

This is where my frustrating came in. Social media was awful today. I realized there are a lot of sports fans who don’t really understand sports.

So of course Raptors fans were in a panic because all of a sudden this entire trade became a giant metaphor for the entire history of the franchise.

Damon Stoudamire left.

Tracy McGrady left.

Vince Carter left. He was traded for Alonzo Mourning, who didn’t even bother entering the country. He didn’t want to be here.

Chris Bosh left.

Those Raptors were booed when they came back to Toronto.

The Raptors have always been the franchise that superstars don’t want to sign with in free agency. We’re too much of an unknown. We’re a different country. Players don’t like the cold, yet they sign in New York, Boston, and Philadelphia.

I’m unwilling to believe that our winters are any colder than theirs.

There are so many misconceptions about Canada, it’s ridiculous.

As a result, we have to draft or trade for our star players.

So now all of our worst fears as a franchise are accounted for in this trade. We’re trading away the one guy who wanted to remain loyal to the Raptors, for a guy who may only be here for a year before going to LA.

And you know what, I’d make this trade every day of the week. I’m sorry.

Social media has a very short and hypocritical memory.

Remember when the Raptors were swept by LeBron in the playoffs again this season and everyone was calling for change? Well, we got change.

They fired the coach.

But oh, how could they fire the Coach of the Year? That ain’t right! He’s taking the fall for the players!

Okay, they just traded their franchise player.

Ohh noo, not him, I liked him! Trade someone else.

Well, what did you expect to happen? This team has tried to install a defensive culture for year. Their best player was, arguably, their worst defender.

I have no problem with what the Raptors have done this off-season. So many teams wait until it’s too late to make these moves, while the Raptors have gotten ahead of the curve.

It’s been abundantly clear to me over the last few years that a team where DeRozan is the best player, simply isn’t good enough to win a championship. And if you’re not trying to win championships, fold the team. Just go home.

Sports are a business.

I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Toronto Maple Leafs also made a big acquisition this summer, in John Tavares. The Leafs and Raptors are the only two teams under the Maple Leaf Sport & Entertainment umbrella that haven’t won a championship in the last year.

There is probably so much more to this trade than any of us will ever know.

Yes, it’s unfortunate that we had to trade a player who has been nothing short of exemplary, while helping us reach heights we’ve never seen.

But what were the Raptors supposed to do?

Were they supposed to play next season, get to the playoffs, and be eliminated, just for everyone to call for change once again?

We know what this team is. And if you look around, you’ll see that Boston and Philadelphia are hot on our tail, ready to overtake us.

Sure, there is a ton of risk with Leonard. What didn’t get a lot of coverage on Twitter was that the Raptors have spoken to Leonard’s representatives and have had positive talks with them.

That sure sounds a lot better than that “No desire to play in Toronto” tweet, huh?

Leonard will report. Leonard will play next season. Let’s not take a tweet about what his desire is and run with it, as if the next 12 months have already happened.

I know it’s 2018 and people give others the opportunity to evolve their opinion, but what if he changes his mind and actually likes Toronto? That’s a gamble I’m willing to take. We weren’t winning a championship with DeRozan, anyway.

If he’s only here for a year, then he’s only here for a year.

The possibility is still there for a sign-and-trade next summer. The Raptors could still recoup some assets if he leaves. Plus, we’d be left with a ton of cap space and flexibility.

I just didn’t see the point in keeping DeRozan if we were never going to be able to compliment him with a player who was better than him.

And I hate if it sounds like I’m saying disparaging things about DeRozan, but you need to be honest. You need to look at the calibre of players on the team’s winning championships and ask yourself if what you have sizes up.

Jakob Poeltl also went to the Spurs in this deal. Honestly, he was our fifth best young player.

I never thought that if we made this trade, that we would be able to keep Delon Wright, Fred VanVleet, OG Anunoby, and Pascal Siakam, but we did. None of them are finished products and that’s exciting to me.

Then there’s the forgotten guy – everyone’s hero from two years ago – Norman Powell. You have to think this opens up more minutes for him at the shooting guard position.

The Raptors also acquired Danny Green, who is exactly the type of player we’ve needed. A guy who can shoot threes and defend.

Oh yeah, Leonard is a two-time Defensive Player of the Year, which means our best player will actually be capable of guarding the best player on the other team.

Listen, I love DeRozan, but the Raptors had to do this trade. It’s worth all the risk. We’ve been a safe, innocent franchise for so long. It was time to try something else.

As for the other NBA players who are tweeting out “Smh…” and talking about loyalty and how the Raptors are “Snakes”, go away.

Don’t talk to me about loyalty, when players can’t wait to hit the free agent market and go to a championship contender.

In a perfect world, being loyal to the guy who is loyal to you would be the right thing to do.

But this is sports. Teams are loyal to winning.

On paper, the Raptors are a better team today than they were yesterday. For the next 12 months, they have to convince Leonard that Toronto is where he needs to be long-term. Hopefully, the fans can help convince him.

I’m excited for these changes. I think there will be more and I’m ready for them.

And if you’re a Raptors fan, you should be ready for them, too.

Whew. This was a lot. I don’t even think I wrote it in a coherent manner.

All the best to DeMar DeRozan in San Antonio. He grew up right before our eyes and represented the Toronto Raptors like no one else ever has.

We’ll never forget everything he did for us. He’ll be a fan favourite forever.

Thank you, DeMar.

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Paulo Picasso-so

Hello, my name is Paulo Picasso-so. Why? Because my artwork is just so-so.

Normally I’m not inspired to write about art, but my friend Jess wrote a post called, “I was not a prodigy” and it spoke to me – in english, mainly.

But unlike me, she’s actually a great artist and has started her own art collective called hope + easel collective that you should check out on Instagram because Paulo Picasso-so said so…so.

I don’t know how long I’m going to keep this “so-so” bit up, but I’m liking it so-so far.

I remember the first time I created a piece of art. I must’ve been four or five years old. I was sitting at the kitchen table. It was dark out, the blinds were shut, and the light above the table was on.

My mom was on the phone talking to my grandparents. I was sitting there eating a banana (85% sure of this). I also want to say there was an Allen’s Apple Juice Box that I was sipping from, but that might be a detail my mind is making up.

Regardless, I can picture the scene as if I just transported myself back to it.

I also had construction paper, scissors, and glue.

I took the blue construction paper and cut out the shape of a dinosaur. It looked like the love child of Barney and Dudley the Dragon, with a hint of Polkaroo. You know, a round hair, narrow neck, and arching back that flowed down into a wide waistline and posterior.

For the tail, I cut out a rectangular piece with rounded edges – I’m unsure if the tail was also blue or if I went with green.

Anyways, I glued it together and continued eating my banana.

I remember my mom got off the phone and I showed her what I made. She loved it. She told me how good it was. Just non-stop raving about it.

I know what you’re thinking, “That’s how all adults are supposed to react when their child/a kid shows them art/anything.”

And maybe she was over-exaggerating a bit, but I’ll never believe that she was.

I was so proud of that dinosaur. We kept it. We put it in a closet with a bunch of other things, where is stayed for so many years. In fact, it might still be in that closet unless someone got rid of it.

To this day, I could mention that dinosaur to my mom and she’ll still rave about it. I like small things like that. Things that only you and another person know about.

Sure, I’m sharing the story here now, but it’ll still be ours, you know?

That dinosaur was the plateau of my art career.

There’s a saying that goes: “Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym.”

I guess the “creative person” version of that would be: “Those who can’t draw, write. Those who can’t write, act. Those who can’t act, act foolish.”

Or something like that, I don’t know. Don’t you dare be offended.

For some reason, I was in Saturday morning art classes around age 7 or 8. I wasn’t even tall enough to turn on the faucet or reach the bottom of the laundry tub where we cleaned our brushes.

I had to will myself off the ground using my elbows on the front of the tub, being careful not to do a somersault into it.

My sister also took art classes, she was clearly the gifted one.

The teacher would put pieces of fruit on the table, tilt the lights a certain way to cast certain shadows, and then tell us to draw them.

I remember having to draw an orange. Just an orange and the shadows that went with it. I didn’t know where to start. How do you draw an orange?

Well, I drew a circle. But I can’t draw a perfect circle, so that was already wrong.

And how do you make it look like an orange, other than colouring it orange?

And then shadows. What?

I was so far out of my element. I don’t know what I was doing there. To my teacher’s credit, she was a very nice lady who made me feel welcome and never treated me like the terrible artist that I was.

My favourite part was definitely the watercolours. Why? Because the watercolour paints looked like hockey pucks and that brought me back to my comfort zone – sports.

In school, whenever we had to draw anything, I’d draw a hockey rink or baseball field if I could get away with it.

However, my default drawing was (and still is) a house.

I draw a big square. Then I draw a rectangular door at the bottom-middle. Then I draw 3 windows – 2 upstairs, 1 downstairs. The windows are a square, divided into four quadrants.

Still with me?

In front of the door is a welcome mat. My house has never had a welcome mat, but the house in my drawings always does.

The roof of the house is a triangle. The chimney is a rectangle with swirls of smoke coming out of it. No matter the season, there was always smoke.

To the right of the house is a tree. I’m very good at drawing trees. The tree looks like a piece of broccoli if broccoli took up bodybuilding and decided to attack the human race.

To the left of the house, in the top corner, is the sun. A circle with lines coming out of it. It was always a warm, radiant day, no matter what the chimney suggested.

Directly above the house would be a cloud. The first half of the cloud would always come out of my hand so effortlessly. And then when I realized I had to close the cloud, I’d panic and it would look uneven.

That’s my default drawing.

A few years ago, I drew that picture at camp and showed it to a kid. I was really proud of it. And what did the kid say? They told me I have no future.

Maybe they’re right.

In Grade 9 we had to take an Art credit. I had to pick one of: Visual Arts, Drama, or Music, and suffer through it. I took Visual Arts because I wanted nothing to do with acting, and Hot Cross Buns on the recorder is the only thing I know how to do musically.

Every time we had an assignment, it was displayed somewhere in the classroom. It wasn’t hard to find my drawing on the wall.

Now that I think of it, there should’ve been a fourth Art option – Script Writing.

Have us write a play, let the drama kids act it out, let the music kids provide the sound, and have the art students construct the set.

BOOM. Just built the curriculum. You’re welcome, Ontario.

I guess we all have our God-given talents, and though it would be nice to be good at everything, none of us are.

I don’t know how to take an idea, or image, in my mind and convey it through a drawing, but I know how to do it with words. That’s my talent. That’s where my instincts are activated.

My instincts aren’t activated when I see an orange sitting on a table. I don’t know how to put that on paper without physically picking it up, placing it on my paper, and calling it abstract.

And that is why you can call me Paulo Picasso-so.

Actually, you could probably call me Paulo Picasso-bad, but I won’t allow it because my picture of a house, and that dinosaur I made when I was little gives me legitimacy…in my mind, at least.

Thanks for reading.

Have a so-so good day.

Are you good at art, or do you struggle drawing circles and straight lines?

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 39 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Becca) – Ep. 8

You no longer have to wait, it’s Episode 8, bring on the hometown date, so we can learn their fate, and see if Tia goes, “Hey Becca, checkmate.”

Welcome back to your favourite Bachelorette recap on the internet – I’m Paul, and joining me once again is Cass! Her thoughts will be in bold.

Now let’s get this zamboni on the ice!

~ It’s finally hometowns!

~ First up, Garrett.

~ Becca is in Manteca, California to meet with Garrett, who looks like a little boy dressed up for picture day.

Did his mom do his hair? Is there a comb in his backpack with a note for the teacher that says, “If Gare Bear gets his hair messy, you have permission to comb it”?

~ They’re going to be planting tomatoes. They aren’t dressed for this. Not even wearing a hat. If my grandparents saw this…

~ Becs’ shoes are not made for tractors & dirt.

~ Now they’re sitting on a blanket in the shade.

~ This rose bush idea was so cute.

~ It’s time to meet the family, Becca is bringing flowers and a big bag.

~ WHAT’S IN THE BAG!?

~ Hometown dates are the classic, “We’re having company over” logistical nightmare, where the house gets vacuumed for four hours, certain objects are hidden in closets, and every light in the house stays on while the guests are over, even though it’s the middle of the day.

~ Garrett’s sister pulls him away to talk.

~ He tells her everything’s great, and she starts crying because she doesn’t want him to get hurt.

~ Garrett’s sister looks like Becca, there I said it.

~ Becca meets with his father, who says his wife protects her Cubs. Hey, Chicago, what do you say, the Cubs are gonna win tod….oh he didn’t mean the Chicago Cubs.

~ Becca and Mama Bear bond.

~ HEY, that Gare Bear nickname may actually be legit.

~ “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.” – Garrett

~ Garrett is so hopeful.

~ And, it’s over. She was in that house for 8 minutes of edited TV time.

~ Honestly just want to fast forward to this whole Tia thing.

~ Next up is Jason’s hometown date in Buffalo, which is basically Canada as evidenced by the shot of Niagara Falls and the Canadian flag.

~ Is Jason intentionally talking like a mobster, or did he stay up late watching Al Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday 100 times?

~ Jason and his hair gel….

~ He’s taken her to a bar and they’re going to have a chicken wing eating contest.

Next, they’re going to break tables with Bills Mafia, right?

~ I do love my wings, never thought I would say this but I approve of this date.

~ Something something Becca’s large pink scarf.

~ Now they’re going skating at a rink that is deserted.

~ I spy some Canadian flags.

~ “I was born with skates on my feet” – Canadians say that

~ We’re also born saying “Sorry”.

~ Jason looks like Gordon Bombay, minus the triple deke.

~ These are some bad skates.

~ Becca looks like she’s there because she has to be there.

~ Now they’re sitting on top of the zamboni and going for a ride. Garrett had her on a tractor. What’s next? A scooter?

~ Word of advice Becs…hockey guys are bad news, don’t do it.

~ Time to meet the family.

~ It’s a nice, little dinner for six. Could’ve probably squeezed the whole gang into a booth at Olive Garden.

~ Jason’s father is wearing a grey dress shirt that I’m pretty sure I once owned.

~ Jason’s mom asks Becca if she’s found her person and she dodges the question, not wanting to tell her that Jason isn’t the frontrunner.

~ “I couldn’t read whether she’s falling for you.” – Jason’s mom tells Jason

~ Jason’s brother is urging him to tell Becca how he feels about her.

~ Becca spent 6 edited TV minutes in that house. Two less than Garrett.

~ Next up, Blake!

~ Becca is now out to Bailey, Colorado to meet Blake’s family.

~ It is snowing and Becca looks more excited to be here than she was in Buffalo.

~ Blake brings her to his high school, so he can show off his football photo from 2006.

~ Did they put on their indoor shoes before wandering the halls with wet shoes? DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THEY DID!

~ This high school is empty except for three rooms, where Blake’s former teachers and/or coaches are hanging out.

~ Oh my, she’s in love.

~ They’re now sitting in the library.

~ Blake tells her that in his senior year, there was a shooting at his school.

~ He now brings her to the auditorium and it’s full of people and Becca’s favourite singer, Betty Who, is performing on stage.

~ This is where I chime in with, Betty Who, who?

~ Who is this singer?

~ What is going on in this school?

~ Time to meet the family. Start the clock!

~ This family also got the memo to turn on every light in their house. The TV crew probably has their own set of lights in there as well, no house is lit this well.

~ Blake’s mom looks like the bird lady in Home Alone 2. I liked the bird lady.

~ I’ve zoned out. Where are the wacky families this season? Why are they all subdued?

~ Becca spent 6 minutes and 20 seconds of TV time in that house, which is 20 seconds more than Jason, but 100 seconds less than Garrett. Hmmmm….

~ Becca is now in Parker, Colorado to meet with Colton’s family.

~ He’s taking her to a children’s hospital, but first they’re buying toys.

~ To Toys R Us they go…oh, right.

~ Fun fact: Toys R Us remained open in Canada. Point for us.

~ They pick out unicorn horns.

~ The fact that Colton brought her to the hospital to visit these kids is adorable.

~ Colton warns Becca that he’s never brought a girl home. Not even Tia.

~ Becca is nervous about this because Colton hasn’t had many serious relationships.

~ Basically, she’s judging him for being selective and not being with a bunch of people just for the sake of it.

~ Pretty sure Colton isn’t Becca’s partner for life, Tia probably won’t allow it.

~ Time to meet the family. Start the clock!

~ Jeeze, she’s meeting everyone tonight.

~ Colton’s little cousin whispers to him, “Is she your girlfriend?”

~ Then she asks, “Does she know about Tia?” Okay, that didn’t happen. Maybe in a deleted scene somewhere, though.

~ Colton’s mom says he looks perky.

~ Interesting Word Choice for $200, Alex.

~ Colton’s dad is asking Becca about Tia. Now he’s asking her if Colton’s asked about her breakup with Arie.

~ This might be the first father who came into this with a serious game plan and legitimate questions. He probably gives better advice than Chris Harrison.

~ Becca is talking to Colton’s mom about his “lack of experience”. This is awkward. I feel awkward.

~ It’s time to go already! Becca spent 8 TV minutes in that house. Tied with Garrett.

~ “I’m falling for him.”

~ Becca is 4/4 with guys dropping the L word tonight.

~ Oh no, Becca is meeting up with “the people who know me the best” aka the people who don’t actually know her best – former Bachelor contestants: Bekah, Tia, Can’t Remember, Who Are You Again, and Never Seen You Before.

~ It’s a real Abbott & Costello group of friends.

~ IT’S TIME

~ This is so staged. A stage is less staged than this.

~ Welcome to Girl Gossip Gallery, with your host Becca! 3G is filmed in front of a live studio audience. To reserve your spot in our audience, don’t call us, the producers will call you. Now, let’s watch!

~ Everyone’s so excited and Tia is just glaring.

~ Tia is now pulling her aside to talk about Colton.

~ Will we get the whole story?

~ She is telling Becca she still has feelings for Colton so BACK OFF.

~ Why didn’t Tia say this before?

~ Does it even matter who Colton likes at this point, or does Tia get him because she saw him first?

~ Tia’s shirt and skirt don’t work together…just saying.

~ “I never saw that coming.” – Becca

~ For what it’s worth, it’s the only thing I saw coming.

~ Thanks for tuning into this edition of Girl Gossip Gallery. 3G – we make quick connections!

~ And we have another sparkly dress for Becs.

~ Jason arrives for the Rose Ceremony and is greeted by Chris Harrison.

~ Then Blake.

~ Then Garrett.

~ Geesh, Mr. Harrison is walking these guys all the way to the mark they have to stand on in a ballroom.

~ Chris, there are directors for this. Go count roses.

~ Colton enters and approaches Chris H. all in a sweat about the fantasy suite next week.

~ The producers definitely told him to do this now, since they probably know he won’t be there next week. Gotta get that panic on camera while they can.

~ Awh Colton is worried about Fantasy Suites week.

~ Colton wants to know what the expectations are for the fantasy suite.

~ Chris is giving him an outline and a rubric.

~ Hold on, Chris walked every guy up a set of stairs and to their spot, but doesn’t accompany Becca, who is wearing a dress that she could trip over?

~ Ohhh CHCH, how could you?

~ Becca, Blake, and Garrett are all in black. Is this a funeral, a Final 3 alliance, or a coincidence?

~ Blake gets the first rose.

~ Jason gets the second rose.

~ Garrett gets the third rose because Tia just dropped a bomb five minutes ago.

~ OH MY LORD

~ I’m predicting Colton’s gonna be on Paradise with Tia…just saying.

~ Becca walks Colton out and tells him his dad told her to send him home if she knew he wasn’t the one.

~ But really, it was Tia. The girl he had one date with, months ago.

~ Colton’s sitting there like, “Why Becs?” but because of the girl code, she can’t tell him the truth about what Tia said.

~ Colton goes home confused and mentally counting the days until this episode airs.

~ Yes Becca, this sucks.

~ See you all in Thailand next week!

What did you think of this episode? Who do you think will make the Final 2? Do you think Gare Bear was actually one of Garrett’s nicknames as a kid?

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments