Up and Down The Court

I wish the NBA weren’t so predictable. There is no point to this upcoming season. The Golden State Warriors are going to win the championship. Oops, spoiler alert.

Can we just act like it’s a video game and simulate all the way to next off-season?

Sure, the Eastern Conference is wide open this year because LeBron is in Los Angeles. And by “wide open”, I mean to say that there are really only three teams that could represent the East in the Finals.

Boston, Toronto, and Philadelphia.

Don’t give me this Milwaukee nonsense. They’ve only made it out of the first round once, since 1989. Let them win a few series first and then tell me they’re going all the way to the Finals.

I don’t like the idea of “Super Teams”. If superstars want to play with each other, they have an All-Star Game. Go play your hearts out.

We kid ourselves in thinking that General Managers lure big name free agents. No. The players pick the city and tell their friends to join them.

Now, “Super Teams” that are constructed through the draft? Have at it. That’s what made the Golden State Warriors so appealing a few years ago.

Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson, and Draymond Green were all drafted by the Warriors and won a championship.

As soon as they signed Kevin Durant, the taste in my mouth went sour.

They didn’t do anything wrong. They can sign whoever they want. Durant can sign wherever he wants.

But from the outside, it just felt unfair.

It felt like we were all back on the playground again and the four kids who were really good at soccer put themselves on one team, and everyone else – 13 kids who weren’t as good – were on the other.

I’m not picking on Durant here, he didn’t start this trend, it’s been going on for years.

I really don’t know what motivates 80% of the teams in the NBA. What are they working towards? You can look at your roster and immediately know if you’re a championship contender or not.

There is no, “Well, maybe we’ll surprise everyone and be the Vegas Golden Knights of the NBA”.

I don’t like that. You can play the basketball playoff rounds on paper and be right most of the time.

Again, it’s not like Golden State built their team illegally.

But the unpredictability of this sport is gone.

Am I supposed to get excited for teams that enter the playoffs as the 7th seed, when everyone expected them to miss the playoffs?

I mean, good for them, but they’re merely a speed bump.

When the Raptors traded DeMar DeRozan a few months ago, I was shocked at how many people didn’t understand why the Raptors did it.

I’m still shocked people are so naive about it.

“How could you guys trade the one guy who was loyal to this team and city. Smh.”

BECAUSE SPORTS ARE ABOUT WINNING, YOU SOCIAL MEDIA MORON.

For future reference, I can’t stand the “smh” abbreviation. Grow up.

We sat through how many years of playoffs with DeRozan as our go-to guy, and what was the common theme? He never rose to the occasion.

That hurts me to type because I like DeRozan, but it’s true.

And every Raptor fan knew it. Go pull up the tweets from when we were getting embarrassed by Cleveland. Or when we couldn’t win the first game of a series, ever.

DeRozan was benched last year in the playoffs because the coach found five other guys who were playing better than him.

Think about that.

Your best player needs to be your best player in the playoffs, or you’re not lifting a trophy in June. This isn’t hockey. You can’t rely on your depth players to grind out wins.

I don’t know how this turned into a post about the Raptors, but we’re here now.

Yes, Kawhi Leonard may leave after this year. And if he does, I won’t be too upset about it. Sure, I want him to stay, but I can’t control what he wants.

We’re basically taking the roster from last year, subtracting a player who underperformed in the playoffs, and replacing him with a former Finals MVP.

While that’s happening, the other players are going through the growing stages of their career and should be better than last year.

Put it all together, and you have a much better Raptors team.

Is it enough?

Stop asking these questions! I told you at the beginning that the Golden State Warriors were winning the championship this year.

But if the Raptors can make it to the Finals, that’s one more argument they can use in convincing Leonard to stay.

Does he want to be in a situation where he can win in the future, or does he want to go back to L.A. so badly, that he’ll be on a Clippers roster with no one of relevance?

I’m sorry DeRozan got traded, but this city has a poor reputation of waiting too long to trade star players, and ultimately being stuck with them, or getting next to nothing in return.

See: Donaldson, Tulowitzki, et al.

Say they held on to DeRozan until his contract ran out in three years, but never won anything. Then what? Are you going to re-sign him in free agency, just to be loyal to a guy who’s past his prime and won’t be bringing you a championship?

Think ahead, people.

I have no problem with the Raptors getting ahead of the curve and trying something different. The rebuild is closer than everyone thinks and that’s not a bad thing.

Fred VanVleet and Pascal Siakam will probably be permanent fixtures in the starting lineup within the next two years.

I don’t know how Kyle Lowry’s tenure with the team ends, but it’s coming eventually. He didn’t react well to the DeRozan trade and is getting himself thrown out of pre-season games in Montreal.

Hope the fans didn’t feel ripped off.

Winning solves everything, but body language says a lot, too. We’ll see how this goes.

I had started writing this post, thinking I would do a mini preview of each team, like I did for the NHL, but quickly realized there was no point.

Enjoy the NBA season, even though you know how it ends.

I hope I’m wrong.

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Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Five Games In

The Toronto Maple Leafs are five games into their annual quest of getting my hopes up, only to crush my dreams in May – or dare I say, June?

Man, if the Leafs are still playing in June, that’ll mean they’re in the Stanley Cup Final and I’ll be in worse shape than Shaggy whenever Scooby goes missing and he’s forced to search the basement by himself.

“Scoob!? Where are ya buddy? Oh no, he’s gone. They got him! And they’re gonna get me too!”

You know the drill.

As a sports fan, one must never think too far ahead. Expectations get too high. Emotions get played with, as if a three-year-old is controlling them with a voodoo doll. And projections are made in a hurry, like Election Night on CNN.

That always bothers me. The polls just closed three minutes ago, they have 8% of the votes reported, yet already know who the winner is. Way to make the other 92% feel important. 

It’s important to be calm – to not overreact to hot starts, or record breaking stats.

What’s that?

Auston Matthews has nine goals in five games and is tied with Morgan Rielly for the league lead in points, with 12? Wait, the same Morgan Rielly who broke Bobby Orr’s record for most points by a defenseman in five games?

Bobby “I might’ve been better at hockey than Wayne Gretzky” Orr? That, Bobby Orr? Okay.

But what about John Tavares, though? The big fish. Johnny Toronto, as everyone no one calls him. What about him? Oh, he’s got six goals already? Mom’s spaghetti!

But Mitch Marner is slumping, right? No? He’s got 10 points? Oh.

Surely, they’re being aided by the passing prowess of William “Don’t call me Bill Nye”  Nylander? What? He’s still not signed? Well then.

Alright, I can’t hold it in any longer….

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!

The Leafs. Are amazing.

I had to separate that into two sentences, to remind myself to breathed.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are putting the puck in the net more than anyone else in the league. They are like an Italian at a buffet – “omnomnom, give me the calamari”.

The Leafs aren’t undefeated; they lost a game to the Ottawa Senators. Whatever. That shall not mitigate my excitement.

This team has been scoring converted touchdowns against teams. They put up seven against Chicago (in Chicago!) and seven against Dallas (in Dallas!).

Converted touchdowns. In hockey.

Look at me using football lingo to describe another sport. I’m basically an American. I should try and describe some as a linebacker, that would make me a full-blown citizen.

Auston Matthews is on pace for 148 goals this season. The Arizona Coyotes are on pace for 82.

If you haven’t noticed, I don’t care about sample size. That’s so Grade 12, Data Management. Don’t get me started.

The Leafs top power-play unit looks like a video game with a cheat code, but neither of those things are true. It’s real life and they’re just that good. What!?

Sorry, I haven’t seen a Leafs power-play this good since the Mats Sundin, Alex Mogilny, and Gary Roberts days, when Tomas Kaberle and Bryan McCabe manned the blue line and Kaberle would refuse to shoot, so they’d send the puck down low and execute the cross crease pass to put the puck in the net.

I don’t know why the goalie didn’t put his stick on the ice to prevent it, but that’s not my problem. Should’ve read the scouting report.

Honourable mention to the time when the Leafs put Tie Domi on the power-play and he broke out for a 15-goal season.

The top power-play unit of Matthews, Tavares, Marner, Rielly, and Nazem Kadri are here to take your lunch money and don’t want to hear, “No”.

You can’t stop them. I don’t know when other teams will learn that they can’t take penalties against the Leafs, but I hope they never do.

On the bright side, whoever takes a penalty won’t have to sit in the sin bin for too long. We’ll have them bailed out of there in less than two minutes.

The power-play reminds me of what the San Jose Sharks threw out there a few years ago when they had the man advantage.

Joe Thornton, Joe Pavelski, Logan Couture, Patrick Marleau, and Brent Burns.

They were just too good. They dominated the puck. They scored goals. They couldn’t be stopped. Pretty sure they were playing playoff games in June that year…

If you’re a sports fan reading this post, you’re probably thinking I’m nuts. And I am. I have completely flown the coop.

Caw-caw, I’m gone. Where’s Paul?

And yes, it’s ridiculous to look at the success of the first five games and hop on a hype train with a one way ticket to disappointment going anywhere, but I gotta tell you, the doors are closing and I am firmly in my seat, trying not to touch knees with the people next to me.

You know, train etiquette and stuff.

This is unlike me.

Sure, I have hesitations and reservations – not of the restaurant variety, sadly.

And if you don’t think I’m playing this up just a little bit for entertainment purposes, then you don’t know me. Deep down, I know what’s coming.

Eventually, a team is going to come along and prevent us from scoring. The Leafs are averaging five goals per game and haven’t scored less than three. Hello? We’re kicking field goals out there.

Eventually, a team is going to come along and shove us around. Maybe it’ll be a road game and the Game Operations Staff will play some Rock ‘N Roll between whistles to take their team to the next level, not unlike the “Special Stuff” in Space Jam.

I get it – the defense needs to be better.

I get it – we can’t rely on our offense every night.

I get it – playoff games are going to be much tighter than this.

I get it – William Nylander is nowhere to be seen and we kinda really need him.

I get it – we’ve played five games against teams that missed the playoffs last year.

The Leafs defeated Dallas by a score of 7-4. The Winnipeg Jets lost 5-1 to Dallas and many people say the Jets are the best team in Canada. What was their excuse?

Alright, now I’m just being petty. But do you get what I’m saying? I find the whole, “They’re playing well because it’s against lesser opponents” to be ridiculous.

You clearly haven’t seen the Leafs play against Buffalo, or Florida on Tuesday nights, for the last decade. We make “lesser opponents” look so good, you’d think we were Kurt Angle putting over John Cena in his debut, rather than a hockey team playing a conference foe.

None of you got that reference, but it’s fine.

The Leafs play the reigning Stanley Cup champions tonight – the Washington Capitals. It’ll be billed as a “test” for a “young Leafs squad” looking to “legitimize themselves” against “a team that knocked them out of the playoffs two years ago” and “won the Cup last year”.

If the Leafs win, the story will be that they’re legit…until they lose. If they lose, the story will be that they’re a fraud, only capable of beating “lesser opponents” and need to “clean up their defense” if they want to “contend” with the “big boys”.

I’ve been a Leaf fan all my life. I’m going to enjoy this for as long as I can.

In the past, I’ve been a foolish fan. The Leafs would sign players, hype them up as “goal scorers” or “scrappy players capable of 20 goals” and I’d fall for it.

Looking back, the Leafs were picking up nobodies. It was like picking up bruised fruit at the produce section. False hope.

Now that the Leafs have legitimate superstars, I remember what they look like and how they perform. It had been so long since this team had more than one guy to lean on offensively.

I was spoiled as a kid. The Leafs didn’t have to draft well because they could just throw money at anyone.

It’s no coincidence that it took the Leafs eight years to make the playoffs after the salary cap was introduced in 2005. They didn’t know how to build a team without luring free agents with money.

And you saw that in the first year out of the lockout. Jeff O’Neil, Jason Allison, and Eric Lindros were all signed, but couldn’t help bring the Leafs to the playoffs.

At the same time, young prospects were joining the fray – Matt Stajan, Kyle Wellwood, and Alex Steen. I remember being so excited for all three of them.

Wow! Young players! Look how fast they skate! Wellwood looked great on the Junior team!

In reality, none of them were blue chip prospects. None of them were players you build a team around. Steen went on to have a nice career in St. Louis, but when he left Toronto, he was seen as a disappointment.

That’s what we did. We ruined players.

So if you think the Leafs are getting too much attention now, after five games, and that their fans are unbearable – you’re right.

But we deserve this. We’ve been waiting so long for this. And even if this season ends in peril, like the last 51 have, at least we have hope. Not the fake hope that was fed to us in the recent past. Real hope.

As a sports fan, that’s all you want.

As a Leafs fan, you want more than hope, but hope is a pretty great place to start.

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

I Am The Pizza

I’m in one of those writing ruts again, where I have a bunch of ideas in my head, but lack the energy to process them one sentence at a time.

It would be so much easier if you could all just hop in a school bus and take a field trip to my brain, like they did on Magic School Bus, when they found themselves inside of a cake as it baked, and then in someone’s stomach.

That was a delicious episode.

As exciting as a trip to my brain would be, it would be a logistical nightmare. We’d have to call in the folks from Honey, I Shrunk The Kids to shrink all of you. Never mind all the permission slips your parents would have to fill out.

This is why writing exists – because bringing my brain to you is a lot easier than bringing you to my brain.

That would’ve been a cool TV show crossover, though.

Honey, I Shrunk The Magic School Bus.

I can smell money already. Netflix, you listening?

I should warn you, this entire post is just going to be me spitting out words to get myself back into some sort of rhythm. So, pull down your visor if you don’t want to be Daffy Duck’d.

Daffy Duck’d – Being on the receiving end of spit, while someone talks to you.

Used in a sentence: “Blimey, I’ve been Daffy Duck’d.”

Urban Dictionary, you listening?

As I was saying earlier, before I interrupted myself, writing exists to bring our brain to someone else.

To me, writing is an idea guided by feeling.

The idea aspect of writing gets stretched, as if it were cheese on a slice of pizza that is being pulled away from it’s family.

I am the pizza. Everything I write is a slice that slowly leaves my grasp and is ingested by someone else.

I, unknowingly, primed you for that analogy earlier when I referenced the cake episode of Magic School Bus. Man, I’m good. Now I shall paint over it.

I don’t like writing when I know what I want to say. That’s why my writing ruts occur when I have a bunch of ideas, rather than when I have none.

If the words I want to say have been rehearsed in my head, over and over again, they’ll feel stale when I finally write them down. I feel like I have to erase them from my head, so I have a clean slate when I finally sit down to write.

As I said before, writing is an idea guided by feeling.

The feeling aspect doesn’t necessarily mean, “I’m feeling happy, let me write a something happy.”

To me, the feeling is all about timing. As in, is now the time I need to write this? Is now the time for me to get this off my chest?

There are some blog posts I’ve been thinking about writing for months, but I’ve never actually sat down and felt like it was the right time to write them out, for whatever reason.

It’s like an internal voice telling me to wait. I can’t explain it better than that.

I’m not even talking about deep, meaningful blog posts. They could’ve been funny posts about food, or mishaps, or food mishaps.

At times, I’d try and force them.

How do you know when you’re forcing yourself to write something that isn’t ready to come out? Wordy question, but I’ll answer it.

If you have to sit in front of your screen and think about what the words in the next sentence should be, you’re not ready.

That’s my guiding principle, at least. It may, or may not, apply to you.

I like being able to write something from start to finish, without having to stop and think about what to say next. It should just flow.

This is the main reason why I should just delete all 44 drafts I have saved. They’ve all been sullied. I’m not going to jump into any of them and continue where I left off.

That’s two different streams of consciousness for one person. Maybe I’ll take the general idea and start over on a clean slate, but I won’t continue any of them in their current draft.

And you may think that sounds weird.

But to me, it reminds me of group essays I had to do in university. Five people would write two pages each and put it all together to form a 10-page paper. I hated that. I would’ve rather written all 10 pages myself.

Why? Because you could tell when one person stopped writing and another person started.

In the instances where we were marked individually, I had no problem with it. Let each person’s writing voice come through.

But the times when we all got the same mark, it bothered me. That’s why I was always the one to volunteer to put everyone’s work together.

1. So I could fix everyone else’s terrible spelling, grammar, punctuation, and overall sentence structure.

Seriously, you should have to write an in-person essay before you get admitted to college/university. This is why people hate group projects. Only one in five people know how to write, while four out of five just think they can.

2. So I could ensure it sounded like one voice, instead of five.

I don’t really know where I’m going with any of this. That was the whole point of this post, really. Should I just end this here?

I think I’m going to end this here, but not until I write multiple conclusions that won’t make sense, but will buy me a little more time to come up with a title for this post.

Somehow, I mentioned cake, pizza, and a couple of television shows that the current generation have never heard of, while delving too deeply into a topic that I hadn’t really thought about until now, before ending with a mini diatribe about how difficult it is for university students to write sentences that make sense.

I’d say I’ve checked all the boxes for a typical Paul post, including the one where I refer to myself in third person.

Go to my website and let me know how I did today.

Yes, I’m a receipt from a fast-food restaurant.

Okay then, bye.

No, you hang up first.

Alright.

Click.

Posted in Humour, Life, Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Hockey Is Back

Happy Hockey!

It’s officially opening night. Can you smell it? It’s the smell of popcorn and spilled beer in a brisk environment of 13 degrees Celsius, with little kids kicking the back of your head.

True story.

Last year, I did a season preview for all 31 teams in the NHL and it took me forever. I was still writing previews, two weeks into the season.

This year, I’m giving myself a one hour time limit to write a preview of every team. It will be suitable for all audiences, so if the non-hockey fans haven’t tuned out by now, please stay.

Throughout the season, I hope to write more about what’s going on in the league.

Four of you are looking forward to that.

Without wasting any more time, here’s my 2018-2019 NHL Season Preview.

Anaheim Ducks: I don’t see them making a waddle for the Cup this year. I’m so sorry.

Arizona Coyotes: Every day is, “Take Your Kid To Work Day” with this team.

Boston Bruins: The longer Zdeno Chara’s career goes, the worse the Senators look for choosing to keep Wade Redden over him all the way BACK IN 2006.

Buffalo Sabres: Jack Eichel is entering his 4th NHL season. He is 21-years-old. Life is not fair.

Calgary Flames: We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning, since the world’s been turning. I like their top line. Need a goalie, though.

Carolina Hurricanes: They crank a siren, invite Ric Flair to multiple games, and play Rock You Like A Hurricane when the team comes out. That’s as generic as it gets.

Chicago Blackhawks: I just watched a shaky video of a team practice, to see if Patrick Kane has a mullet. From my vantage point, he does not. Maybe he should bring it back.

Colorado Avalanche: Nathan MacKinnon is getting more comfortable in his annual Tim Horton’s commercial with Sidney Crosby.

Columbus Blue Jackets: They’re built like a team straight out of the early 2000s. They should wear the blue undershirt under their jerseys, to make it official.

Dallas Stars: They’ll be joining the Calgary Flames and Philadelphia Flyers in the “We thought our goalie would be good, but he wasn’t” mid-season therapy session.

Detroit Red Wings: Just a beautiful logo. How is Jimmy Howard still around?

Edmonton Oilers: I own an Oilers 3rd jersey – the one with the big oil drop that looks like an asteroid. I also own an Edmonton Eskimos jersey. I have an inexplicable connection with the city of Edmonton.

Florida Panthers: Oh, they’re still a team?

Los Angeles Kings: Drew Doughty is Chris Chelios and Scott Niedermayer warped into one.

Minnesota Wild: Do they even have a star player?

Montreal Canadiens: Quel désastre. J’aime ça.

Nashville Predators: Is Carrie Underwood still going to attend games and watch from a private box, even though her husband retired? What’s the scoop, y’all?

New Jersey Devils: I really like the dynamic duo of Taylor Hall and Nico Hischier. Going forward, they’ll have to build depth at forward, but this is a good start.

New York Islanders: Thank you for John Tavares. Don’t boo him. Boo whoever it was who decided to put a car in the front row behind the net.

New York Rangers: For so long they tried to build their roster like a typical New York team, going after name value and older players. They’re finally giving the kids a chance.

Ottawa Senators: Quel désastre 2.0. Their concession stand prices are as outrageous as Toronto, which I (and other Leaf fans around me) wasn’t expecting.

Philadelphia Flyers: Their ice workers, who stand by the glass all game, wear obnoxiously bright orange shirts. Please stop. Oh, and Gritty is starting to grow on me.

Pittsburgh Penguins: My favourite episode of Pingu was when Pingu and his sister made too much popcorn while their parents were out, so they picked it up off the floor, put it in boxes, and gave it to neighbours…who had no idea it had been on the floor.

San Jose Sharks: Does the salary cap not apply to them?

St. Louis Blues: Former Leafs, Alex Steen and Tyler Bozak are playing on the third line together. They might as well trade for Phil Kessel, at this point.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Nikita Kucherov fell to 10th in my fantasy draft, which means I had to take him, and abort my initial strategy. This better pay off.

Toronto Maple Leafs: The goaltending depth is gone. The defence needs to prove itself. Mitch Marner is adding $10,000 to his next contract every time he steps on the ice. William Nylander might not even be in the country right now. And Mike Babcock still calls everyone a “real gud pro”. But we have John Tavares, so we’re winning the Cup. See you on Yonge Street in June.

Vancouver Canucks: They’re going to surprise some people this year. Won’t make the playoffs, but won’t be a pushover.

Vegas Golden Knights: I really hope their elaborate Medieval Times skits encouraged other teams to be more creative with their pre-game theatrics. A dark arena and cheesy pump up video of the players skating in slow motion isn’t going to cut it anymore.

Washington Capitals: They’re still celebrating their Stanley Cup win.

Winnipeg Jets: I still don’t like their logo. Maybe I have to tilt my head to see it better, but the maple leaf and jet just don’t go together, for me. The leaf underneath is stretched out like an early drawing of Woodstock – the bird from the Peanuts comic.

Enjoy the NHL season!

What are your thoughts on the upcoming season?

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Lieb(ster) It To Beaver

Golly gee, just go with it.

That was a Leave It to Beaver reference, if you didn’t know. Just because it’s 2018, doesn’t mean I can’t reference a black and white television show.

I’d like to thank Becky for nominating me for the Liebster Award! Maybe one of these days I’ll actually win it.

Rules

1. Acknowledge the blog that gave it to you and display the award
2. Answer 11 questions that the blogger gives you
3. Give 11 random facts about yourself
4. Nominate 11 blogs and notify them of their nomination
5. Give these blogs 11 questions to answer

11 Random Facts About Me

1. I have a freeze frame memory. I don’t know if that’s actually a thing, but there have been moments in my life where the world feels like it stops for two seconds to allow my mind to take a picture for me to remember.

2. In the cartoon movie of my life, Daffy Duck would be cast as me.

3. I am nearsighted.

4. I like looking at old pictures from the 70s, 80s, and 90s, to see what the world looked like. Mainly, the comically large store signs.

5. In conjunction with #4, I also like watching old news coverage of historical events. The ESPN 30 for 30 series is a perfect combination of my interests.

6. People have told me they can’t picture me ever getting mad.

7. 2011 was the best year of my life.

8. I use puns as a way to challenge myself to manipulate words, not because I find them funny.

9. When I eat a sandwich, I pick it up and flip it over so the top layer of bread is facing down as it enters my mouth.

I think it’s a normal motion, but everyone else thinks it’s weird. They also think I hold forks and spoons in an odd way.

10. I like custard.

11. I’m really good at doing math in my head.

Becky’s Questions

1. What are the best and worst purchases you’ve ever made?

Worst Purchase: The meal that came with scalloped potatoes, in the dining hall, in first year. Scalloped potatoes are disgusting and I’d rather not talk about it.

Best Purchase: I don’t even know. I don’t buy stuff unless it’s food or tickets to sporting events. Even then, I don’t like this uptick in pricing.

I guess my answer is tickets/trip to the 2014 Winter Classic (outdoor hockey game) in luxurious Michigan.

I don’t think I spent more than a few hundred dollars for the entire thing and I was there for four days, went to two hockey games, and spent New Year’s Eve at Olive Garden. Not bad for such a grand experience. What I saved in money, I lost in warmth.

Side note: TGI Friday’s provides the most American experience imaginable.

2. Who is the messiest person you know?

I probably shouldn’t answer this publicly.

3. What are your thoughts on mascots?

I don’t have a problem with mascots. I think a lot of them need to be more than a corporate costume that takes photos with fans at games and golf tournaments, though. They should have their own seat in the arena/stadium, as if they’re Santa Claus at the mall.

*Becky will hate this idea and use capital letters to say so.

4. What’s the most useless talent you have?

If I listen to music on iTunes without putting it on shuffle, when one song ends, about 48% of the time I know which song is next and start singing it in my head before it plays.

5. What was the last photo you took?

I took a picture of an omelette. I can’t reveal any further details about that at this time.

6. What song always get stuck in your head?

This doesn’t really happen to me. If anything, random songs I haven’t heard in years will pop in my head. They’re normally songs that would play in my Dad’s car when I was a kid coming home from baseball and/or going to get a haircut. Very specific, I know. The latest one was, Everybody Wants To Rule The World – Tears For Fears.

I have a soft spot for the late 90s/early 2000s “car music”.

7. What’s your cure for hiccups?

I don’t get hiccups…..

I haven’t had them since I was a kid.

8. What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis?

Anything from Home Alone 1 & 2 and Mrs. Doubtfire.

In Mrs. Doubtfire, the scene where the mom realizes Mrs. Doubtfire is actually her ex-husband and she says, “The whole time!” and then says it again in a visceral tone – yeah, I do that whenever I realize something I should’ve realized sooner.

There are a bunch of other quotes and references from that movie that come up on a weekly basis in my house.

From Home Alone, it’s “Credit Card? You got it!” and a whole bunch of other ones.

9. What’s something you’ve done that you’re proud of?

I’m proud of myself for starting this blog, mainly because blogging was never on my radar as something I’d be interested in doing.

10. Is there a show you used to watch and stopped watching and want to start again?

Scooby-Doo. I think that would make for good Viewing Notes content.

The serious answer to this question is: There isn’t really a show I stopped watching that I want to go back to.

11. What’s your worst example of procrastination?

Pretty much every assignment in university. But even then, it was all intentional. I needed to feel a little bit of pressure to put out my best work. I also like writing things in one take, rather than writing half a page every day for a week.

I don’t like to give myself time to go back and hate everything I wrote yesterday.

I guess my worst example was when I had to write an essay about “Discourse” for a Communications class.

It was 1am and I had read the word “Discourse” so many times that I no longer knew what it meant. So I texted a girl who was in my class, who also lived on my floor, and she came over to try and talk some sense into me while having a “I can’t believe you haven’t started yet – it’s 1am!!! – look on her face.

She was a saint, really.

My Questions

1. When was the last time you made a pinky promise?

2. What the heck?

3. Which of the 26 letters in the alphabet do you enjoy writing the most? Why?

4. Do you call it a backpack or a knapsack?

5. What condiments do you put on your hotdog?

6. How would a stranger sitting next to you on a bus describe you?

7.  If you could travel back to a moment in history, to witness it in person, where would you go and why?

8. Why is Big Bird so big?

9. What is something you don’t understand, but wish you did?

10. Everyone is a bit weird. What makes you weird?

11. Are you okay?

I’m not going to nominate anyone.

If you want to answer my questions in a comment below, I’d appreciate it! If not, oh well.

Thanks again, Becky!

Posted in Awards | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

8 Reasons Why Paul Likes Fall

Hi, I’m Paul.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or in a different part of the world, you’ve probably realized that it is now Fall. Fall has sprung, as they say! No wait, that’s Spring…

Let’s try this again. Take two.

Unless you’ve been living under a mound of cannoli, you’ve probably realized that it is now Fall. Fall has fallen and it can’t get up, as they say.

Boom, nailed it.

Fall is my favourite season, and “Fall” is what I call it. I don’t like the word “Autumn”, it’s a bit too pretentious for me.

I can’t say the word “Autumn” without slightly tilting my head back, raising my eyebrows, and pronouncing it as if I’m the head judge of a spelling bee. You try it and tell me I’m wrong.

Now then, you probably read the title of this post and thought, “I can’t wait to read it!” “Ugh, why is Paul doing such a cliche post?”

Well, Paul rhymes with Fall, which means I’m contractually obligated. When your name rhymes with a season, you can write a post about it too.

But if you think the rest of this post contains sentences about me gushing about how I can’t wait to wear a scarf every day for the next 7 months, you’ve got the wrong blog. The blog you’re looking for on that subject is Jess‘.

I’m allowed to make that joke, don’t worry.

For what it’s worth, I can’t remember the last time I wore a scarf. I’ve always associated them with pilots. I think I saw Charlie Brown and/or Snoopy fly a plane once and their scarf was blowing in the wind.

Can’t get the image out of my head. Sorry.

Also in the “Things that won’t be mentioned in this post” category will be me drooling over the taste of, Cocoa Loco Mocha Apple Honey Bunny Sunny Side Up Drizzle Pumpkin Splice Latte with extra Bunny.

Did I say it right?

Hey, you drink whatever you want. I’ve just never associated any beverage with a season.

What I’m trying to say is, the reasons I like Fall are a bit different than the norm because that’s the only way I’d write this post in the first place.

Let’s get to the list!

In no specific order…

1. Sleep without Suffocating

Sleeping during the summer is such a nuisance. Every half hour, I have to get up and open my door and fan some air into my room. I don’t know why my room heats up so much.

And no, I’m not going to sleep with the door open. I’ve watched Paranormal Activity, thank you.

Some nights, I’d open my window if it was cooler out, but I learned that the smell of skunk can often be mistaken for the smell of “cool air”. Trust me, I was a dog in a former life. My nose knows.

In the Fall, it’s not hot. This will be a recurring theme.

2. All The Sports

I don’t know what my favourite sport is, it depends on the time of year.

Hockey, basketball, baseball, football, and racing are all in action. There might even be some curling sprinkled in. It’s a great time to be a sports fan.

August is the worst time to be a sports fan. August is a Summer month. So there’s another knock against Summer.

Don’t be petty, Paul!

Hey, when you read a list like this, pettiness should be expected!

Also, I like cold weather games. It adds an extra element of suspense.

3. Perfect Day

In my mind, the perfect day is about 18 degrees Celsius, with sun, a slight breeze, and the smell of BBQ in the distance. For the Fahrenheiters reading this, that’s equivalent to 64 Fahrenheit.

It’s a cool day, but not too cool because there’s sunlight, yet not too hot because there’s a slight breeze. It’s a balance. Neither here, nor there.

And that’s also how I would define myself if I were a weather forecast.

How would you define yourself if you were a weather forecast?

4. Hoodie and Shorts

I’m a fan of hoodie and shorts season. Some people don’t understand it. They look at me and think I’m ruining the purpose of the hoodie, by exposing my legs to the elements.

I am 5’11 3/4 (neither here, nor there), do you really think I care about how my calves feel? You gotta keep the upper body warm, while maintaining the comfort and agility of the lower half.

Plus, pants don’t have a pouch for your feet! Hoodies have a pouch for your hands, and a hood for your head!

On a serious-er note, I don’t want to overheat. Everyone needs ventilation.

This is getting weird.

I shouldn’t have to explain myself. A hoodie with shorts is comfortable. End of story. Let’s quickly move on.

5. Arm Workout While Raking

I love raking leaves. I don’t know why, since the leaves always escape through the slits in the rake, and then it’s like herding sheep. Who designed the rake? They did it wrong.

Maybe it’s the peacefulness of it all. Although, last year a cat stared me down while it urinated at the other side of the backyard.

On a positive note, I go back in the house afterwards and my arms feel like I’m Popeye The Sailor. Put me in the next Strongman competition and let me lift concrete blocks.

Then it really hits me the next morning when I can’t hold a toothbrush.

No pain, no gain, no cavities. Or something.

6. It Looks Nice

Not to get too cheesy (I can go back to talking about ventilation if you want), but Fall looks nice. The colours outside go perfectly together, like a painting.

I live on a street where the trees on either side of the road, eventually hang over and meet in the middle.

It’s like driving under a roof of fall colours. I was a big fan of towel forts as a kid and this reminds me of that. Like a supersize communal towel fort for adults.

7. Daylight Saving Time

Turning the clock back an hour on a Sunday is one of the greatest things life has to offer.

That being said, I’d like to propose that we set the clocks ahead 120 hours this year, so it can already be Friday.

I might be in the minority, but I don’t mind it getting darker outside earlier. Yeah, it’s nice when it’s still light out at 8pm, but I also don’t mind when it’s dark at 6pm.

I like lights, especially when they’re surrounded by darkness. For some reason, they inspire me. I guess it’s like how people like waterfalls, or cuckoo clocks. There’s just something about them.

The poem I posted last week was written one line at a time. After each line, I stared out the window at the streetlight and it gave me what I needed to say.

8. My Birthday

Up until a few years ago, I always thought my birthday was in the Fall. To me, August 31 is the last day of Summer because school starts right after Labour Day and my birthday is around Labour Day.

If school is in session, it’s no longer Summer Vacation, which means it’s no longer Summer, which means it must be Fall!

Pretty good logic, right? Not good enough, I guess.

I am a Summer baby.

Nothing against people born in the Summer, but once you go your whole life thinking you’re a Fall baby, it’s hard to transition to a season that doesn’t rhyme with your name.

What’s my Summer name? Paulummer? Plumber?

Great, my first name is an occupation. I’m like Judge Judy, except I’m Plumber (middle name).

I think I’m just going to continue saying that I was born in the Fall.

And that’s my list.

I’ve been Paul, and you’ve been entertained a great audience.

What do you like about the Fall? Do you call it Autumn? If you were a weather forecast, what would you be? What season were you born in and are you happy about it? 

Posted in Humour, Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

O Captain! No Captain!

No, this post isn’t about me, but if you stick around long enough, it eventually will be.

Yes, the title of this post was inspired by Dead Poets Society. No, I have not seen the movie. Yes, I’ve watched the scene on YouTube where they stand on desks.

Any more questions, or does the prosecution rest? Good. Have a snooze.

The Toronto Maple Leafs have decided not to name a captain this season. They haven’t had a captain since the 2015-16 season, when Dion Phaneuf wore the “C” for 51 games, before being traded to the Ottawa Senators.

Before Phaneuf, the Leafs played two seasons without a captain because Mats Sundin left and it’s not like the front office could walk into the Longo’s across the street and pick up a new captain off the shelf.

Longo’s in a grocery store. This would be so much easier if you were all Canadian.

The Leafs have only had two captains in the time that I’ve been a fan. They’ve had four captains in my lifetime, Wendel Clark and Doug Gilmour being the other two, but I don’t remember those eras.

My first memories as a fan came when Sundin was captain.

He was an icon.

In my first year playing softball, at the crisp age of 9, I was the first kid to arrive on the day the coach was giving out uniforms.

This meant that I had first pick of jersey numbers, between #1-15. I chose #13 because of Mats Sundin. And I’ll never forget when the rest of my teammates arrived, how jealous they were that I had taken #13.

The following year, the same thing happened. It was a race to get #13. I settled for #12 because, “It’s close enough”.

The next three years, I took #10 because of Vernon Wells, but that’s a story for another time.

See, I told you I’d make this post about me.

Being captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs means a lot more than being the guy who takes ceremonial face-offs, talks to the referees, or is the voice in the dressing room.

It’s a cultural thing.

In my dealings will campers over the last several years, very few of them were Leaf fans. Two kids wore Montreal Canadiens hats every single day for two months. I learned to love them, but being a Habs fan was unheard of when I was a kid.

I didn’t get it, until I remembered the Leafs have been terrible their entire life.

They were born after the first lockout in 2005; they didn’t stay up until 1am to watch triple overtime playoff games like I did when I was 10. They don’t remember the Leafs being so close to the Stanley Cup, only to run into Arturs Irbe and his double-wide pads in the Conference Final.

Seriously, can someone hop in a time machine and go back to 2002 and measure Irbe’s pads? It still bothers me to this day.

They didn’t have those memories. They didn’t have Sundin. They had a couple of years with no captain and then Phaneuf, who wasn’t the cultural icon that Sundin was.

Also, the Leafs did away with their Buds Club program for kids. I don’t know why. They would send an envelope of freebies a few times throughout the season, including the team media guide.

There are about six media guides on my shelf dating back to 1999, as a result. I’ll never throw them out.

I know it’s 2018 and everything is about money, but kids born in the last 13 years have never seen the Leafs win a playoff series and equate the franchise with failure.

That’s not to say the franchise will have a crisis on their hands when that generation becomes old enough to be the customer, but I don’t think the team is aware (or cares) that the last 13 years have caused tiny bit of damage.

So if the Leafs want to be patient in naming their next captain, I’m all for it.

I think we all know it’ll either be John Tavares or Auston Matthews. Morgan Rielly’s name has been thrown around, but if they were going to name him captain, they would have.

I’ve always found it nice when a team gives the “C” to a third line veteran. Ethan Moreau in Edmonton (2007 – 2010) comes to mind.

However, this is Toronto. They’re not going to go that route. They’ve been waiting for a superstar and now they have two.

Tavares just got here. I think it would be awkward to put the “C” on his jersey right away because your teammates need to see you as a captain, before you’re named one.

When my intramural team got team shirts and decided to put the “C” on mine, I’d like to think it’s because I was already the de facto leader of the team. Plus, I was the guy giving corny speeches in the team huddle, so…

I think the next captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs will be Auston Matthews. It just can’t be right now because he’s on the final year of his rookie contract.

If they were to do it now, he would have too much leverage in contract negotiations next summer.

Also, I think they want Tavares to rub off on him a little bit. When Tavares talks to the media, he sounds like a captain. Matthews needs to work on that a bit.

He’s only 21-years-old. There’s no need to put the weight of the hockey world on his shoulders just yet.

Morgan Rielly, Patrick Marleau, and John Tavares will be alternate captains this season. This is were it gets tricky because can you name Matthews the captain next year if he’s never had a letter on his jersey?

That’s probably a topic for a hockey panel on TV, while being a non-issue with the Leafs

My main thing is, I don’t want any animosity between Matthews and Tavares when one of them doesn’t get the “C”.

I want one of them to be like Ryan Smyth. He always wore the “A” in Edmonton, while carrying himself like a captain. He was one of my favourite players. I always liked the leaders. Steve Yzerman was another.

The next captain of the Leafs will be an obvious choice for the players and coaches in the room. They’ll be able to tell. One person always stands out, even when there are multiple who take on the leadership role.

Who knows, maybe the room gravitates towards Tavares and he’s named captain. I don’t mind them using this year to see how things play out.

I’m just still in disbelief that the Leafs are in this position to begin with. I don’t think I watched a complete game during the 2014-15 season because the team was so bad.

Now here we are, with too many options for the captaincy, and a team bursting at the seams with young talent. Uh, okay!

I don’t know how people live without sports in their life. They’re missing out on the joys of emotional torture.

John Tavares will make his home (arena) debut tonight. I’ll be there, trying not to overreact every time he touches the puck, but I make no promises.

O Captain! No Captain!

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Somewhere Else, Tonight

It all comes down, eventually
the tape, the nail, the paint
everything can be put in a box
here, use this bag
we will hide the things you do not need
in drawers, in closets, in the back of your mind
if it cannot be seen, it must not be there
the window can stay open, though
a cool breeze needs to find someone, too, you know
the bed is no longer your size, so…
find somewhere else to be uncomfortable, tonight
there is light all around you
in the street, on the ceiling, beneath your fingers
everything you touch turns to black, however
your eyes struggle to adjust in the dark
your feet stumble up the stairs
your legs shake to find balance
your hands search, but cannot grab
you are coming down, just like everything else
in three, in two, in one
there is no noise, there is less
if it cannot be heard, it must not be there
but it is there, you are aware
hide and seek becomes obvious with one player
you can never escape
the bars around you say, welcome to jail
if you try to leave, no one will put up a fight
I just want to be somewhere else, tonight
the songs on the stereo are gone
lyrics, littered across the lawn
spelling out a message to above
show me something I can love.

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

I Finished Watching Gilmore Girls

Previously on, “Paul blogs about Gilmore Girls“…

“Rory Gilmore is ridiculous.”

“I say Har, you say Vard.”

“They had more food than when I ordered 18 pizzas for a Super Bowl party in 2011.”

“Rory finds a nice big tree to sit under. She looks content.”

“YOU ARE RECKLESS WITH MONEY AND GIVE IT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SITTING UNDER “YOUR” TREE.”

“Dean can’t un-cheat on his wife. Rory is ‘the other woman’.”

If that recap wasn’t enough insight for you – I tried to pull out the most important points – then you may read the rest of my thoughts here: Season 4 of Gilmore Girls.

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, animals of all breeds, it is time to discuss Gilmore Girls, in its entirety. What a challenge this is going to be.

Let me warn you, this is going to be a very Paul-esque discussion. I hope you didn’t expect anything less.

When you don’t know where to start, you start at the beginning, so let’s go there.

Season 1 was so innocent. It was a nice, homey show, you could wrap your hands around, like a giant beach ball.

Lorelai Gilmore and her daughter, Rory, live alone in a small town called, Stars Hollow, where everyone knows each other.

Lorelai got pregnant when she was 16; Rory’s father is Christopher and he is not really in their lives that much, but since this is a TV show, he will be as of now.

Rory is a good student, who is a bit too naive and innocent, but that all gets stripped away in the Season 4 finale. In Season 1, she has a crush on a boy named Dean, who bags groceries in a small store that probably doesn’t need, nor can afford, a person with that position.

But there he is. That’s Dean. Always there when you don’t need him.

The word “coffee” is uttered about 17 times per episode, as a result of one of the main settings being Luke’s Diner.

Luke is a cantankerous character who doesn’t like cellphones, fun, or town meetings. He wears a backwards baseball cap that Lorelai gifted him because she’s the one person who can make him do things he doesn’t want to do.

I think that’s called blackmail, but in this case we’ll call it love.

The town is full of kooks, lead by the man with 1000 odd jobs, Kirk.

Lorelai works at an inn with a guy named, Michel, who has a really thick French accent, and a general disdain for working with others.

There is also Sookie, the vibrant chef, who later goes on to play Sean Spicer on Saturday Night Live marry Jackson – the produce supplier, and wearer of hats that don’t cover his ears and make him look like the third member of the Sticky/Wet Bandits in Home Alone.

I warned you. Paul-esque discussion.

Lorelai’s parents are rich and have a new maid every episode because Emily Gilmore has standards and an accent that I thought was British, but it turns out she just talks like a rich person.

Her husband, Richard, has the presence of Hagrid, and wears bowties all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him, inside and outside.

I know what you’re thinking. “Did Paul just quote Eiffel 65?”

Yes, but no.

The colour blue is a nod to Richard’s alma mater, Yale. See, everything I write makes sense.

Lorelai doesn’t have a good relationship with her parents, but her and Rory are obligated to attend Friday dinners with them because this show was filmed at a time when you couldn’t just Skip The Dishes.

Listen, these references are going to keep coming at you fast, so let’s look alive out there.

For the first three seasons, all Rory talks about is going to Harvard. It’s her dream school, until it isn’t.

She ends up at Yale and spends her entire freshman year trying to come out of her cage and convince herself that she’s doing just fine. But she’s not doing “just fine”.

There is no bright side.

This brings us to the Season 4 finale where Dean – her now former boyfriend and owner of awful haircuts – is married, but that doesn’t stop him and Rory from doing the damn thing.

Season 5 is filled without breakups because as soon as the goodie two-shoes of the show messes up, it’s open season for the rest of the cast.

Emily and Richard split up, but since they live in a mansion, Richard goes to live in the pool house. A pool house was a necessity for every TV show in the oughts, as seen in The OC and every other show where teenagers needed a place to stay.

If you don’t know what the oughts are, they’re the first decade of every century. Clearly, I’ve upped my vocabulary today. I think it’s because I’m sitting in an upright position and not slouched.

Knowledge travels faster in a straight line – it’s math, or something.

Anyway, Dean and his wife Lindsay also break up, which opens the door (literally) for secret meet-ups with Rory, so they can further disappoint their families.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that at the end of Season 4, Luke and Lorelai finally got together. It was a long pursuit, like a fly ball to right-centre field at Fenway Park, or Ross and Rachel in Friends.

Just covered my entire demographic with that two-for-one reference.

But like Ross and Rachel, Luke and Lorelai go on a BREAK, when Emily invites Christopher to a wedding and urges him to pursue Lorelai because Emily doesn’t like the smell of Luke’s raggedy hat, or the fact that he has to wipe tables after others finish eating.

At this point, Christopher had already been married to someone else and had another kid. Now, he’s furthering his status as “Most Annoying Character” because he just won’t go away.

People get engaged on The Bachelor in 8 weeks, and yet he’s still pursuing Lorelai after 20 years, thinking he still has a chance.

Emily Gilmore is a meddler – not unlike kids on Scooby Doo – but deep down she just wants a relationship with her daughter – a relationship she lost when Lorelai got pregnant and moved out. She’s too fierce to admit her loneliness.

Lorelai is also lonely, but she’s too jacked up on coffee to let it show. Also, her and Sookie are now owners of their own inn – The Dragonfly Inn – and her “Fake it till you make it” facade owns her disposition for most of the day.

That’s what this show is about, I feel. It’s about people who live in a small town, who are constantly around those who love them, but when they go home at night, something is missing. So they all try and fill that gap in different ways.

I’ve neglected to mention Rory’s best friend, Lane, who has a very strict mother, Mrs. Kim.

I love the Mrs. Kim character, especially in the later seasons when she loosens up her vise-grip on her daughter’s life. Did they ever give us a reason why she did that, or are we just supposed to assume that she wants her daughter to be happy?

Lane is in a band and starts dating fellow band member and designated long blonde hair character, Zach. They end up getting married and Lane has twins. Their relationship always seemed weird to me.

Anyway, by the end of Season 5, Rory has gone full-blown teenage anarchist.

Rory and her new love interest, a rich little snot named, Logan Huntzberger – who just so happened to be on The Tonight Show the other night – steal a yacht because she’s just been told by Logan’s father that she doesn’t have a future as a journalist.

Because when someone tells you your dream is unattainable, you don’t fight for it. Instead, you steal a yacht, end up in jail, and have to call your mother to bail you out.

Basically, Rory turned into the female version of Sid from Toy Story. All she needed was a black shirt with a skull on it, and Jackson’s hat.

The season ends with Lorelai proposing to Luke. Luke accepts, which means we’re finally going to get a nice big wedding where the entire town is invited, and it’ll be a joyous occasion!

So much to look forward to! We can roll the windows down and cruise, right?

Wrong.

Season 6 is a red-herring for the stupidity of Season 7, but how was I to know?

Rory decides she still has further to fall because being locked up in a jail cell isn’t quite far enough. She decides not to go back to Yale, which causes a rift between her and her mom.

The wedding between Luke and Lorelai is put off until Rory and Lorelai reconcile.

Rory moves in with the grandparents, who have long since reconciled their own differences, which was a must because the pool house needed to be free for Rory to stay in.

Emily and Richard try and build Rory back up better, faster, and stronger than before, but instead, she becomes a schmoozer at parties with rich people, where fine wines must be better than fine.

All the while, Rory has to complete 300 hours of community service, picking up garbage on the side of the road.

At one point, she starts a shoving match with another girl and the skirmish has to be broken up. It was the worst fake fight I’ve ever seen.

They each went to the penalty box for five minutes to think about what they did, and spit on the ground.

After five months of stupidity, Rory and her mom reunite and Rory decides to go back to Yale.

Yay! Hooray! Break out Kool & the Gang! It’s time for a celebrat…

Wait, what’s that? That thing coming out of nowhere. It’s…it’s like a human asteroid and it’s about to hit Luke’s Diner!

This is the moment when the rest of the air came out of the show’s balloon.

A 12-year-old girl named, April Nardini, goes up to Luke and asks for one of his hairs so she can do a DNA test to see if he’s her father.

April Nardini? More like April Sardini because this storyline stunk!

On a human level, yes, let the girl find her biological father.

On a storyline level, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

It is confirmed that April is Luke’s daughter and the fans go wild mild.

Luke and Lorelai are terrible communicators. That’s one of the reasons why it took them what, eight years(?), to get in a relationship in the first place.

But they are so bad at telling each other what they’re thinking. They try so hard not to hurt each other, so they keep secrets, like the visits with Christopher, and the 12-year-old daughter.

They tell each other what they think the other wants to hear, rather than what needs to be said.

April Sardini swam her way into her father’s life, and was a secret for two months before Lorelai found out.

And with the wedding quickly approaching, it all became too much for Luke. I believe it was Lorelai who said they could postpone the wedding again, but that’s not what she wanted. It was one of those tests that men are given and Luke failed.

He said it would be best to postpone the wedding and Lorelai stood there with a fake smile, acting like everything was okay, even though it wasn’t.

Just once, I want television characters to be blunt with each other, especially when they’ve known each other for a decade.

The season ends with Lorelai giving Luke an ultimatum – they elope right away, or they’re over.

They’re over.

Season 7 is a waste of time and makes my blood boil like a fresh pot of tomato sauce at Nonna’s house.

Lorelai goes back to Christopher, they get married in Paris, and then they break up a few months later because Christopher finally realizes that Lorelai wants to be with Luke and always has.

Thanks for coming out, Christopher. Not sure why you couldn’t take a hint for the last 20 years.

Rory graduates and gets a job covering Barack Obama’s election campaign.

Lorelai and Luke reunite with a kiss and the series is over.

But wait, there’s more! God, why does there have to be more? This series was already two seasons too long.

In 2016, nine years after the final episode, the show came back for four, 90-minute episodes on Netflix. I remember people being so excited about it at the time.

“ERMAGERD A GILMUR GURLS REVIVUL YEE HAW, Y’ALL”

Don’t know why I went southern with that, but it’s there now.

It was called, Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life.

First impression: Everyone got really old, but Lorelai looks exactly the same and Emily Gilmore hasn’t aged a bit since the turn of the century.

I’m going to be honest, I thought it was really bad.

Like, dirty socks dunked in a sewage drain and stuffed inside your pillow case, level of bad.

There was 6 hours of content, and yet I walked away from it feeling like nothing happened at all. Where was the plot?

Every scene felt like it was seven minutes too long. I’m not exaggerating.

That stupid Stars Hollow Musical thing was a 12-minute atrocity. I had to skip through the last four minutes of it. Why? Because I plan to live until I’m 100.

It was just so terrible, which pains me to say because I’m sure a lot of people worked really hard to make it the show the fans wanted.

None of the characters have actually moved on and done anything.

Luke and Lorelai still aren’t married, but they are living together. Why aren’t they married by now? It took them 10 years to get together and another 9 years for the cameras to re-enter their life.

Is that it? Do they just want their wedding to be filmed and were waiting on a Netflix crew to roll into Stars Hollow?

Well, great. You got your wish.

As for Rory, she has a boyfriend named Paul!

But the story with Paul is that no one remembers him, not even Rory. How dare she neglect a fellow Paul like that?

Oh, that’s right, it’s because she’s participating in yet another affair! This time with Logan, who is engaged, but that doesn’t seem to matter.

Poor Paul, he’s just a patsy.

What’s worse is Lorelai doesn’t even condemn her for it. She doesn’t yell at her for cheating on her boyfriend with a guy who’s engaged.

Nothing. Just par for the course, as if affairs are alright. Yeah, let’s send that message out into the world.

Rory Gilmore is a terrible character, who does terrible things, but is looked upon as a bright, shining light.

I’m not saying she has to be perfect, but after you go to jail and get involved in two affairs, I think I’m allowed to call you terrible.

The one good thing about this revival was that we’d finally get the wedding scene where Luke and Lorelai are at the altar and the camera pans through the crowd to show all the townspeople crying tears of joy.

And then they drive off into the sunset in Lorelai’s jeep, except not really, because Stars Hollow has about 4 roads so they’d go in a square, but whatever, they could fix it in post-production.

So that’s what we had to look forward to.

Nope.

Luke and Lorelai decide to sneak out in the middle of the night, grab a few witnesses, and get married without anyone else attending.

Come on! They’ve had that wedding scene in their back pocket for 15 years and never delivered on it. They could’ve created an iconic scene like The Office and be relevant on YouTube forever, but no.

And you can say, “Well that’s the kind of wedding these characters would have – an impulsive wedding.” Sure, but if they were so impulsive, IT WOULDN’T TAKE THEM TWO DECADES TO GET MARRIED.

So then the series ends with Rory telling her mom that she’s pregnant.

That’s it. Fade to black.

You come back after nine years just to end on a cliffhanger?

“Rory needs to go find Maury”, is how this series ended.

I don’t want another revival. I’m done with it. Most viewers probably saw that final scene and freaked out thinking, “Who’s the father?”

Me? I couldn’t care less who the father is. I have no desire to know. I don’t want to see this story continue.

Deep down I hope it’s Paul, just so she’s forced to acknowledge his existence.

Were there any clues throughout the revival at who it could be? I didn’t pick up on any, but then again it was hard to be an attentive viewer while my brain was melting.

On a whole, Gilmore Girls was a good show that is a cornerstone of it’s time.

The first three seasons were great.

The next two seasons were different, but still reasonable.

Season 6 was a precursor to the nonsense in Season 7, where Christopher and April ruined everything that was ever good about this show. Their presence took away from the cohesiveness of the town.

They are not Stars Hollowe’ens.

Two minutes into the pilot episode, the viewer wants Luke and Lorelai to be together. They eventually are, but zero episodes in this series chronicle their life as a married couple.

We never got that. We got a bunch of conflict, poor communication, and a 12-year-old girl with pigtails.

As for the revival, everything felt disjointed. I don’t even know what the main story was.

Despite all that, I’d call Gilmore Girls a good show.

I think I’m done.

If you read all of this, you deserve your own holiday.

Thank you!

Let me know your thoughts below on anything about Gilmore Girls. Do you agree with my assessment? What are your thoughts on Rory? Did you like the revival? What should I watch now?

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50 Thoughts XXIII

1. Why did the driver feel cramped? Because it was in a golf bag.

2. I finished Gilmore Girls yesterday. I’m currently winding myself up for a blog post about it.

3. I am completely addicted to football. Somebody check my ID because I have no clue who I am anymore.

4. My new favourite team is the Kansas City Chiefs, which means I can now hate the Patriots like the rest of you…unless they make it to the Super Bowl, in which case I’m pulling out my Patriots Fan Alumnus card.

5. Chiefs looks like Chefs if you have “i” problems.

6. The Chiefs are a fast team.

7. Patrick Mahomes throws a football faster than RA Dickey throws a baseball.

8. I found myself looking up Chiefs apparel on the new NFL Shop website in Canada, and was being lured in by promises of free shipping.

9. Again, check my ID because this is not me.

10. I had potato chips yesterday for the first time in months. I felt like a Mother Goose being reunited with her goslings.

10.5 The analogy works, okay, just go with it.

11. I need a ghost reader – someone who will read books for me, but I get the credit for it.

12. My grandfather recently went into a McDonald’s, asked a guy how much he paid for his coffee, and then left.

13. My new response for when someone asks me if I want to do/try something I don’t want to do/try is, “After I’m dead”.

13.5 Unbeknownst to me, my grandfather also uses that exact phrase.

14. If you make yourself a promise, you have to keep it.

15. Some people don’t like the word “moist”; I don’t like the word “communal”. Just the sound of it makes my upper lip move.

16. I am not a palm sweater, but during my fantasy football draft last week, my palms were definitely sweaty, knees creak, arms a levee, omelette on my sweater already.

16.5 I’m not explaining that one.

17. Happiness is more important than the economy, Donald.

18. The Montreal Canadiens and Ottawa Senators are strugg-a-ling and I’m loving every minute of it.

19. I had a dream where they changed how driver’s license photos were taken. You would sit in your car and hang your head out the window, like you’re ordering at a drive-thru.

20. I’m skeptical of people who look like they’re reading a book on a crowded beach.

21. I don’t think living on Mars would be cool at all. There’s nothing there.

21.5 However, we’d finally get the answer to the question: What comes first, your home or Home Depot?

21.75 Spoiler Alert: THERE IS NO HOME DEPOT ON MARS.

22. Mars should be the place they send criminals who are serving a life sentence in jail.

23. I’d like to see another team join Formula 1. There are too many drivers and not enough seats.

24. I read that Michael Schumacher’s son, Mick, might join Toro Rosso next year. He is 19-years-old and still wouldn’t be the youngest driver on the grid next year. That’s nuts.

25. This weekend is the Singapore Grand Prix, which will take place at night, under the lights. Always one of my favourite races of the year.

26. I remember the first time I played a softball game late at night, under the lights as a kid. It felt like a movie, I loved it.

26.5 Lots of mosquito bites, though.

27. The U2 Super Bowl halftime show in 2002, where they had a giant screen with all the names of the victims from 9/11, will forever be the best halftime show.

28. Emotion is greater than production value.

29. Will any current band have the same longevity as U2? Doesn’t seem like it.

30. The Washington Nationals have a team built for the American League, they just don’t know it.

31. I always take my ear buds out when I cross at the street, and I always hope the people in cars see me do it, so maybe they’ll do it too if they’re ever in the same situation.

31.5 Be the change you wish to see…

32. I’ve always been a fan of Edwin Jackson and Clay Buchholz, for no apparent reason.

32.5 I’d always try and get them on my team when I played baseball video games.

32.75 Edwin Jackson was a Blue Jay for about half an hour many years ago, before they traded him.

33. I’ve never really known the difference between NSync and the Backstreet Boys.

34. Thanks for following my blog and liking my last five posts, but my view count hasn’t changed in the last three hours, so no, I will not follow you back.

35. I get way too many scam phone calls. Even when I decline the call, they leave a robotic voicemail message.

36. If I were an elementary school history teacher, I’d show my class the music video for Uptown Girl, and ask them to write down all the things in the video that are no longer around today.

37. School curriculums should be constructed by people in their twenties. They’re the ones who know exactly what knowledge was valuable and what was never taught.

38. Does anyone else thaw bread under a light bulb?

39. 80% of the time, when they rolled in the big TV and played a movie in school, I thought the teacher needed it to kill time. Turns out, it was the audio-visual component of their lesson plan. Ha, who knew?

39.5 The other 20% of the time, it was Bill Nye The Science Guy. Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!

40. If you ever have two of something and someone is expecting you to share, but you don’t want to, you can say: “One for me and…another one for me.”

40.5 That shows them who’s boss.

41. Pet Peeve: Spelling mistakes on the ticker at the bottom of the screen on news/sports channels. This drives me nuts.

41.5 This has been more frequent in recent years and I can’t help but think it’s a product of people in my generation being poor and/or careless spellers because they grew up using abbreviations all the time.

42. Mmmarble cheese.

43. My name has four letters. Only two of them make a noise on their own.

44. Whenever I’m in a Head-to-Head fantasy league, I enter each week with the mindset that I’m going to lose the matchup. I’m not sure pessimism is a healthy approach, but then again, nothing about fantasy sports is healthy.

45. Is it next Sunday yet? I’m ready for some football.

46. When a large contingent of dogs go out for a walk, do they warn each other when they have to fart release gas? Could be a fatal blow to the face, otherwise.

47. I love mushrooms.

48. Is there anyone over the age of 15, who hasn’t made a paper airplane at least once in their life?

49. Look at the keyboard in front of you and sing the letters from left to right, starting with the top row, as if it’s the alphabet. Go.

50. It’s called a ruler because somebody has to keep the pencils in line.

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