I’m back. You’re back. We’re all back. No need to ask why. So pack it up, pack it in. Let me begin.
~ The bachelorette this season is a woman named Rachel. Everyone say, “
Don’t do it Hi, Rachel!”
~ Oh look, it’s host Chris Harrison! He uses the same hand gestures during every speech he makes. Watch for them.
~ Let’s meet Rachel! Yeah!
~ In the morning, she likes to dance down sidewalks. By day, you can find her in courtrooms. At night, she walks in parks. Lovely.
~ Rachel and her dog, who has a cast on its leg, board a plane and away we go!
~ Don’t pout too much about the dog, Meghan.
~ We come back to Mr. Chris who tells us Rachel has everything except love. Define “everything”, Christoph.
~ Let’s meet the guys via pre-made video packages. The macho meter is about to go sky high.
~ Sure enough, first up is a wrestler named Kenny. He has a daughter and no one attends his wrestling matches, apparently.
~ No Barb, I’ve never heard of him before.
~ Next up is Jack the Attorney. He has a dog. Hey wait a minute. Rachel is an attorney and has a dog. This has amateur matchmaker written all over it.
~ Here is Alex. He likes lifting weights and solving rubik’s cubes.
~ Mohit likes to dance with his large family in his small living room.
~ Lucas just broke the macho meter. I think he’s yelling “Whaboom” repeatedly. He’s also a rugby player. This should be a disaster.
~ Blake E. works out a lot and has a haircut from 1994.
~ Diggy from Chicago has a dog and 575 pairs of shoes. He wants to have children with Rachel.
~ If someone doesn’t say “Get Diggy with it” by the end of Episode 2, I’ll cry.
~ Josiah is a prosecutor. He’s been through a lot in his life. I’ll root for him.
~ Before Rachel meets everyone, she has to sit down with 7 former contestants from The Bachelor, who are just glad to be back on TV again after their Instagram followers plateaued three months ago.
~ Is this segment really necessary?
~ Oh hey, Kristina is there. I liked her. Everything’s fine. Carry on.
~ The guys are on their way to meet Rachel.
~ Rachel arrives at the mansion and Mr. Harrison greets her with the same smile, hug, and skeptical questions he greets everyone with.
~ “Let the journey begin.” Drink!
~ First out of the limo is Peter in a bowtie, complimented by sweat on his forehead, as viewing parties across the country scream “Aww he’s nervous,
but on the surface he looks calm and ready.”
~ Here comes Josiah in a bowtie as well. Was there a memo? I think there was a memo.
~ Bryan the Chiropractor is out next and he immediately speaks in a different language. Fortunately, I can translate.
~ “If your back ever hurts, I can fix it. I also like pickles.”
~ Kenny the wrestler! I hope they go on a wrestling date. It’ll be a real slobber knocker.
~ Hey folks, that was a solid joke. Start laughing.
~ Rob the Law Student calls Rachel his first round draft pick! Buddy, that’s vague. You need to say “First overall pick”. The first round can have 30 picks. What’s wrong with you!?
~ THERE IS A GUY NAMED IGGY? THIS IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN.
~ Iggy and Diggy bromance confirmed. Hey, they may even get their own radio gig.
~ Tune in to Iggy and Diggy in the morning on 104.7 The Blur.
~ Bryce the firefighter picks her up and talks to her like a bad guy in a bad film.
~ Steve Urkel just came out of the limo, slipped, went back in, and came out again as Stefan Urquelle.
~ Give this man the one million dollars, or whatever he’s there for.
~ “I’m here to teach you how to Diggy.” RADIO SHOW CONFIRMED.
~ Kyle shows up and shows her his buns. Okay.
~ Blake K. shows up and he’s this year’s version of Kristina. Too good for the show but still there anyway.
~ Male model Brady brings a chunk of ice and breaks it with a sledgehammer.
~ Kenny the wrestler on commentary: “Good God almighty, he broke it in half! Foreign objects are not apart of this match!”
~ Kenny better go far. I have about 58 more wrestling references to make.
~ I’m still reeling over the Family Matters reference. Fantastic. 10/10. Thank you, Urkel.
~ Dean met her already and meets her again.
~ Eric the personal trainer starts dancing with her.
~ DeMario shows up in a bowtie! I’m calling shenanigans.
~ The bowtie is this season’s version of the red dress.
~ DeMario is already in love and has a plan to elope in Las Vegas. Man, he just spoiled next week’s episode!
~ Oh stop it. Here comes a marching band. If Santa isn’t at the end of this parade, I’ll be upset.
~ I’m upset. It’s a drummer named Blake, instead. Way to ruin Christmas.
~ Sticking with the wrestling theme, I’m creating the first faction of the season – The Bowtie Bros.
~ “She’s wicked hot. Smart too. You don’t see that combo.”
~ We’re only 47 minutes in. I’m ready for the 7th inning stretch.
~ Here is Fred. I haven’t seen a Fred on TV since The Flintstones.
~ Fred Flintstone from the town of Bedrock, shows up with Rachel’s old yearbook. They went to school together over 15 years ago.
~ This is 98% of all people’s worst nightmare, right?
~ “He was a very bad kid.” No rose for you!
~ Jonathan heard she’s looking for a man who could make her laugh, so he recommended me because he’s quite dull.
~ Oh, his occupation is “Tickle Monster.” He’s far superior to me.
~ Lee comes out with a guitar and starts singing like an unsuccessful singer from Nashville.
~ Alex shows up with a vacuum because he stole it from the hotel he’s staying at.
~ Kenny the wrestler just called for a “Vacuum on a pole” match.
~ YES! There’s a ventriloquist(?) named Adam with a dummy named Adam Jr.
~ Please last at least 8 episodes. Please last at least 8 episodes. PLEASE LAST AT LEAST 8 EPISODES. I need this material.
~ One member of The Bowtie Bros has a whistle.
~ Out comes Matt in a penguin costume. He’s going to waddle right into her heart. Yeah, he has no chance.
~ An ambulance rolls in and out comes Grant with a cheesy line.
~ Jack. Another Attorney!
~ “You look amazing!” Drink!
~ I’m creating another faction called Law Law Land. All the attorneys will be in it. They will feud with The Bowtie Bros at the next Pay-Per-View.
~ “Sausage fest.” Drink!
~ Jedidiah. As in
Jedidiah Jebediah Springfield?
~ Michael is 26 years old and a former basketball player. Translation: He played in college and barely got any minutes.
~ Lucas finally appears. Mr. Whaboom himself. Rachel looks petrified.
~ I don’t need to give Lucas a wrestling persona. He already is one.
~ Whaboom and Tickle Monster are going to be a tag team. Give me a few minutes to figure out their team name.
~ “Amazing.” Drink!
~ “She was too good for Nick.” These guys read my blog, don’t they?
~ Oh good, they’ve all arrived. She goes inside to make a speech.
~ “I know what it’s like to be standing in your shoes.” Drink!
~ “Cheers to no regrets.” You’ll regret that, Rachel.
~ Josiah steals her away first. The rest of the guys are shocked he did that because they’ve never seen the show before.
~ Dean and Rachel are now building a sand castle while wearing fancy clothes. Makes sense.
~ Rob gives her a “first round draft pick” fantasy card. ROB WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. It’s “First Overall” not “First Round.” Go home.
~ “What does love mean to you?” Deep question.
~ “An unexplained energy you just feel with someone.” Solid answer.
~ Uh oh, Adam Jr. the dummy looks bored. One member of The Bowtie Bros wants to give him time with Rachel.
~ ADAM JR. IS GETTING TIME WITH RACHEL. ALERT THE POLICE.
~ Adam Jr. scares her and Adam Sr. takes offence. He’ll cry later.
~ Fred was in 3rd grade, Rachel was in 8th grade. She was his camp counsellor. This breaks every rule a camp counsellor is told to follow.
~ Bryan the Chiropractor tells her he’s good with his hands. Fine. Great. But do you wet your hands before or after applying soap?
~ THEY’RE KISSING.
~ CHRISTOPHER HA…OH I’M STILL ON CAPS LOCK.
~ Christopher B. Harrison walks in and drops the first impression rose off.
~ The Bowtie Bros are already calling Rachel their wife. I don’t like this infighting, boys. Knock it off. You have a match against Law Law Land in three weeks.
~ DeMario asks her if she prefers N’Sync or the Backstreet Boys. Hey DeMario, since you like random questions, ASK ABOUT THE SOAP THING.
~ There are 30 men and only one bachelorette. In camp terms, a 6:1 ratio would be better.
~ Back to Whaboom – he screams “WhahahahahahhBOOM” while shaking his face. That’s why he’s annoying.
~ Whaboom and Tickle Monster will now be known as The Odd Toddlers. TOT for short.
~ Rachel doesn’t like chocolate! How honest of her!
~ One half of The Odd Toddlers just saw a shooting star. No one cares.
~ Blake E. doesn’t like Whaboom and thinks he’s just there to be on TV.
~ Ahahahahahahahaha oh Blake. They’re all just there to be on TV.
~ Herbert Hoover – the vacuum guy – is cleaning up.
~ One guy is growling on her shoulder.
~ Blake E. is calling out Whaboom for being a clown. No Blake E! He’s an Odd Toddler. Get it right!
~ More like Blake F.
~ “If she chooses Whaboom, we need to re-evaluate what we think is fly.”
~ I don’t think I’ve heard someone use the word “fly” in that context since 2004.
~ “Catch me outside, how bout dat.” Red Card. Leave the house immediately.
~ Kenny the wrestler’s ring name is, Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King.
~ “Are you down with PBP, yeah you know me.” – Kenny King, probably
~ Bryan the Chiropractor, who is good with his hands and shoved his face into hers, gets the first impression rose.
~ THEY’RE KISSING AGAIN.
~ One guy sees it and screams, “NOOO”! Top 5 TV moment of 2017, easily.
~ Time for the Rose Ceremony. I didn’t think we’d ever get here.
~ Chris wakes up from his nap and tells Rachel to say goodbye to people.
~ “Tonight has been a really long night. Thank you for your patience. Adam Jr. is creepy as hell. Whaboom needs to tone it down. As for the Bowtie Bros and Law Law Land, I can’t wait to see your match.”
~ Two members of The Bowtie Bros – Peter and Will – receive the first two roses. Obviously.
~ Iggy gets a rose. Waiting on Diggy now to keep the radio duo dream alive.
~ The third member of The Bowtie Bros – DeMario – gets a rose.
~ Tickle Monster gets a rose. Waiting on Whaboom to keep The Odd Toddlers afloat.
~ Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King gets a rose. My wrestling references live on!
~ Matt the Penguin gets a rose. Everyone who is sent home tonight will cry themselves to sleep for the next two months.
~ Josiah – fourth member of The Bowtie Bros, and secret member of Law Law Land – gets a rose.
~ Josiah will eventually turn on The Bowtie Bros, but shhh, no wrestling spoilers.
~ Camper Fred is wetting himself.
~ Diggy gets a rose! Iggy and Diggy live on! Diggy is also a Bowtie Bro. He’ll have to choose one or the other in the coming weeks.
~ Camper Fred gets a rose and Rachel will never get another job at a camp because of it.
~ Adam…just Adam. Adam Jr. is crushed.
~ Blake E. gets the penultimate rose.
~ Please be Whaboom. Please be Whaboom. PLEASE RACHEL. PLEASE.
~ Whaboom gets the last rose!!! The Odd Toddlers survive another week!
~ Rachel hates him so much, but the producers need him on the show for storylines. Otherwise, they’d have to use my wrestling storylines. And my storylines are too good for them.
~ Blake K. – I told you when he got out of the limo that he was too good for this show. At least he gets to go home early, rather than get strung along like Kristina last season.
Oh good, it’s over.
If enough people enjoyed this post, I’ll probably do it again next week. Ah who am I kidding? I can’t walk away yet. My wrestling storylines need to play out.