Paulo’s Kitchen: Peanut Butter Samwich

The following episode of Paulo’s Kitchen is dedicated to my friend, Ely, who is bracing for the impact of Hurricane Irma. Stay safe, Ely.

Previously on Paulo’s Kitchen, Cameraman Sam got under Paulo’s skin during filming.

“Up shut it, Samson!”

“Shut up your face, Samuel!”

“That’s enough out of you, Sam Antonio!”


Tonight, Chef Paulo and Sam are back in the same room for the first time since they, allegedly, fought over who got to the stall in the washroom at work first. Will Sam keep his mouth shut? Will Paulo shut it for him? Find out, NEXT.

Ciao! Bonjour! And hello! Welcome back, Paulomaniacs! I am Chef Paulo and this is my kitchen!

Thank you for joining me. I hope you brought your appetite. If not, eh, what can you do? And no, I don’t have extra appetites to give out. I don’t give out freezies! Oh wait, I mean freebies! And freezies! Neither of them!

Anyways, BYOA. Bring your own appetite!

Cameraman Sam: I brought my appetite, Chef Paulo!

Oh, stop sucking up to me, Samerican.

Alright, today I will be making one of my favourites. I’ve been having this dish since I was a little lad. I know, it’s hard to believe I was once little.

I will be making a Peanut Butter Sandwich!

Sam: That’s hardly a “dish”.

And you’re hardly a cameraman!

Sam: What’s your point?

I point with my finger, Sampton! Enough out of you!

Okay, where was Chef Paulo…oh yes, Peanut Butter Sandwich!

Here is what you will need:

A jar of Peanut Butter
Two pieces of white bread
A spreader

Sam: Spreader? I hardly knew h…

NO! SAMSTERDAM! This is a PG show! Put a fork in it!

Sam: Don’t you mean, “Put a cork in it”?

Hey, big mouth, if I had a rake to shove down your throat, I would….uh….not do that. I’d rake leaves.

Sam: In a kitchen?

Quiet! The executives are watching.

Anywho’s clues, back to my list. looks like we covered everything. You only need three things. Chef Paulo is not a fan of jam. It’s not my jam. Haha, get it? Do you get the joke? I practised that one on my barber and they said I should use it.

Okay, let me begin.

Step 1: Take two pieces of white bread out of the freezer. We here keep our bread in a freezer so it stays fresh. Grab any two pieces, except the end pieces.

Step 2: Wait for the bread to thaw. To speed up the process, Chef Paulo likes to hold them up to the lightbulbs in the fan above the stove. The heat will make the bread not cold.

Sam: Not cold?

Yes! Not cold. It’s science. I’m the Bill Nye of the kitchen. Bill Nye the French Fry! That’s me!

Sam: You look more like an onion ring.

Mah! That’s it! We need to go to commercial.

Paulo starts to tear up.

Go to commercial, NOW!

Commercial #1
Do you like coffee? Is it the first thing you drink in the morning? Would you prefer talking to your coffee, more than actual people? Well, now you can! Introducing the coffee mug of the future – Scoff2Mee. Scoff2Mee is a coffee mug that talks! Sitting in a coffee shop and see an old enemy walk in and feel the need to hide your face, but still want to mutter obscenities? Pretend to take a sip out of your Scoff2Mee cup and voice your displeasure. Scoff2Mee will reply to you with comforting things like, “Don’t worry, they’re going to trip over their feet and spill their drink all over the place.”

Scoff2Mee – Share a scoff with your coff.

Wow! Chef Paulo could use one of those!

Sam: Is it because you get lonely?

You said you wouldn’t mention that again! I mean…no. It just seems friendly.

Back to the recipe.

With the magic of television, we have two pieces of bread that are ready to be peanut buttered.

Step 3: Twist open the jar of peanut butter. Be sure not to sprain your wrist. The doctor won’t believe you when you tell him.

Step 4: Grab your spreader and stick it in the peanut butter jar.

Sam: Woah, PG show!

Paulo chases Sam around the studio with a wooden spoon. Filming has been put on hold.

And we’re back! Paulo is a bit winded, so we’re going to take another break. Take it away, commercial!

Commercial #2
Are you always running late? Is traffic always moving too slow for you? Do you sneak into the office and hope no one notices when you’re five minutes late? It sounds like you need a Work Double! For the low cost of $5.36 per month, you can hire a Work Double! They will sit at your desk and look productive, while hiding their face, until you sneak into the office five minutes late with your fresh cup of Scoff2Mee. Work Doubles don’t get caught, they get busy.

Never get in trouble, hire a Work Double!

Oh man, Chef Paulo could use a Work Double. I need someone who can chase Samurai around so I don’t look sweaty on TV.

Sam: You always look sweaty on TV.

Have you no manners!?

Step 5: Now, we’re going to smear the peanut butter onto the first piece of bread. Make sure the peanut butter goes all the way to the corners. We are looking to maximize surface area. Again, it’s science. Like Bill Nye the French Fry.


Step 6: Hokey pokey, now we do the second piece of bread. Same thing, right to the corners. Make sure you use enough peanut butter so when you taste it, it’s nice and gooey.

Step 7: Close the jar of peanut butter and put the spreader in the sink for someone else to clean. Peanut butter smells bad when combined with warm water. Chef Paulo’s beak can’t handle it.

Bam! A peanut butter sandwich!

Sam: That’s not even a sandwich! You didn’t put it together! You didn’t cut anything. It’s incomplete!

Listen here, ninsampoop, this is how Paulo eats his peanut butter sandwich!

Buuuut, I mean, I am open to suggestions. Feel free to come over here and help me make it into a sandwich that you would eat.

Sam: Are you serious?

Yes, Sam. Come here.

Sam: You…you called me Sam.

I did! Come finish the sandwich.

Sam leaves his camera and goes on set to stand with Chef Paulo.

Okay Sam, how would you finish making this sandwich?

Sam: Well first, I would add….AHHHHHH

Paulo took both pieces of bread and stuck them on Sam’s ears.

Ahahah! There it is! A Peanut Butter Samwich! How’s it feel, Samster? I finally got you, hotline and sinker.


Ah, a hook, you say? Well, they do say that revenge is a fish best served cold. And you…

Sam: DISH!

Finally, you agree! This is a dish! A Peanut Butter Samwich for everyone to enjoy!

Well, that’s it for this edition of Paulo’s Kitchen. Thank you for tuning in, and I’ll see you next time!

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35 Responses to Paulo’s Kitchen: Peanut Butter Samwich

  1. Ely says:

    OH. MY. GODDDDDDDD WHERE WOULD I EVEN BEGIN!!!! I have zero words to justify how AMAZING this was!! Seriously, I’m sitting here alone in the dark on a bunch of fluffy things and laughing so loud I had to control myself because the entire house is sleeping- I mean the people. I suppose the stuff sleeps too. All lives matter. Even the non-living lives. Times are weird right now with racism and segregation and all that equality stuff so I’ve also accepted that inanimate objects deserve love and respect to. Anyways- THIS WAS GENIUS! PAUL! Seriously, I don’t know HOW you come up with these clever things but this is WHY I’ll sit up waiting for you to finish a post. lol!!! And it means the world that you had me in mind to keep me distracted from Irma. I appreciate it SO much! THE SAMWICH bit was just UNBELIEVABLE I was NOT expecting that!!! SO SO SO witty. #TEAMGENIUS #TEAMCAPTAIN #literally

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      LOL I’m so glad you liked it! Been sitting on this post for a while and have been lacking motivation to write it. Haha all inanimate objects matter, huh? I’m going to wake up to protests in my bookshelves. And honestly, I have no idea how I come up with this stuff. The only thing I knew for sure before I started writing was that Sam would become a Samwich lolol.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ely says:

    Reblogged this on She Gives NO Fox and commented:
    Because my blog friends, are PHENOMENAL and I could NOT help but repost this hysterical post that Paul dedicated to me, in a SUCCESSFUL attempt to distract me from Irma- and Chef Paulo posts are my absolute fave! If you haven’t read any of his Chef Paulo posts, I’m not sure what you’re actually doing with your lives! You have GOTTTAAAA! I can’t even. I nearly LOST it! Too clever Paul!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. peckapalooza says:

    Note: I liked this post based on the incredibly entertaining nature of this post. Not because I like peanut butter.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hira says:

    Peanut Butter Sandwich ….Where do you have time to dish out such exotic, tedious, laborious, certainly delicious dish.. I would have given up when bread was put to thaw 😉 Anyhow – you missed a little corner on the right one. And I want a work-double.. How can I order one?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Haha a dish this exquisite took a long time to perfect, I can tell you that much! And I was hoping no one would notice I missed the corner of the bread. Let’s pretend I didn’t. Work Doubles can be ordered online somewhere.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Squid says:

    This just made my life so much better I can’t even react properly. I feel like people should read this after and/or before (like mah rhyme?) watching Studio C’s How to Make the Best PB&J sketch on YouTube. If you haven’t watched it, now’s the time.
    Did your dedication have anything to do with the fact that PB sandwiches are a great hurricane food because they’re so simple and PB needs no refrigeration? Just wondering…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I haven’t seen the sketch but I’ll look it up later. Hahahah no the dedication had nothing to do with that. Ely messaged me saying I needed to write something to distract her from Irma so this is what I came up with. Just a mere coincidence. I hope you’re keeping safe out there too!


      • Squid says:

        Hahaha you HAVE to watch it! It’s super amazing.
        Woah! Yup, coincidence indeed!
        I’m actually in Ohio at the moment, so I am keeping safe!! However, the rest of my family………. 😬

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Kara's Kloud says:

    Your blog is great, Paul! I stumbled upon it today and every post is so interesting and unique! I’m supposed to be studying right now, but instead I’m laughing at this 🙂 I would love it if you checked out my blog sometime,

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ann Coleman says:

    Your post is the perfect distraction for those of us who are worried about the hurricane. Thanks for the laugh, Paul!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Liz says:

    That is one mighty fine peanut butter sandwich and one very dysfunctional relationship. I wish it were real (the show) because I want to be on it and add to the dysfunctionality! Plus, you know me and peanut butter haha!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Rea says:

    Chef Paulo is a classic that never gets old. Why is your humor so spankin’ funny?!?!?!?! 😂 Usually I don’t like dry humor or I don’t get it. THIS right here is a masterpiece of a beautiful peanut-buttery dry humor thinga-mabob. Thanks for keeping Chef Paulo on air!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Angela says:

    😂😂😂poor Sam!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Rrillin says:

    I’m sitting in class thinking my day couldn’t possible get worse.. then BAM! SAM the freacking SAMWICH. Dude, you totally made my day! You’re my new favorite person XD

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Little Rants says:

    I just fainted. Poor Sam and the way you’ve butchered that name!!! 😹😹😹😹

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Pingback: Paulo’s Kitchen: Mamma Meatball! | The Captain's Speech

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