Last week, I introduced the Michael Myers trophy, which is (facetiously) awarded annually to the team that just will not die. I said the Seattle Seahawks and Pittsburgh Steelers were in the running.
Little did I realize, they were going to play each other in Week 16! My bad. I should’ve known they would’ve had their own bowl game.
The Steelers ended up winning the game, so I guess they are the inaugural winners of the Michael Myers Trophy? But not so fast! The Seahawks are still alive. If they defeat the Arizona Cardinals and the Chicago Bears beat the Green Bay Packers, the Seahawks are in. That is the easiest possible path.
Like I said, they just won’t die.
As for the Steelers, they are also alive and have five possible routes to the playoffs. The easiest one is a victory over the Baltimore Ravens, paired with a Miami win over Buffalo.
The other scenarios are more complicated than Grade 10 French.
Maybe next week I’ll award the Michael Myers Trophy to someone. Stay tuned.
Arizona Cardinals (4-12)
The Arizona Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles…in Philadelphia…on New Year’s Eve…after trailing 21-6 at halftime. They put up 29 points in the second half. Talk about finishing the year with a bang! The Cardinals four wins this year have come against the Cowboys, Eagles, Steelers, and Falcons. All four teams might make the playoffs (likely only 2, maybe 3, but still!).
Atlanta Falcons (7-9)
Somebody call Bonnie Tyler because the Falcons are holding out for a hero. After losing to the Bears, they need to beat the Saints and hope the Panthers can somehow defeat the Buccaneers. It’s been a wild season, so anything can happen, but do we really expect everything to fall into place for the Atlanta Falcons?
Baltimore Ravens (13-3)
The Ravens beat the Dolphins, 56-19. Fine, the Dolphins were banged up but the fact remains that the Ravens are really good and are going to be a problem in the playoffs. Lamar Jackson is resting in Week 18, as he should. Rest everyone.
Buffalo Bills (10-6)
I’ve been teasing it for a few weeks, but it’s finally happening. The Bills and Dolphins will battle it out in Week 18 with the winner being crowned AFC East champion. The Bills could end up being the #2 seed in the AFC, or they could be a wild card team, or they could miss the playoffs entirely. Check in on the Bills fan in your life this weekend.
Carolina Panthers (2-14)
Panthers owner David Tipper was fined $300,000 for throwing his drink at a fan. Honestly, he should’ve been suspended as well. How long before he’s removed as owner? It’s been one embarrassment after another. I’m just now learning about his failed attempt to build a new practice facility in 2022 and how it was demolished after construction had begun.
Chicago Bears (7-9)
The Bears have won 5 of their last 7 games. Is Justin Fields the quarterback of the future, or will they draft Caleb Williams with the Panthers’ first overall pick? Your guess is as good as mine.
Cincinnati Bengals (8-8)
With their loss to the Chiefs, the Bengals were officially eliminated from playoff contention. It was always going to be tough to get in after how they started the season, and especially after losing Joe Burrow for the year, but Jake Browning kept them alive and gave the team hope.
Cleveland Browns (11-5)
This is my official apology to the Cleveland Browns for saying before the season that they would finish last in their division and miss the playoffs. If only I knew that they’d go through four starting quarterbacks and have Joe Flacco leading the charge at the end of the season, maybe I would’ve…had a different prediction said the exact same thing. Seriously though, kudos to them for all their success this season.
Dallas Cowboys (11-5)
The Cowboys won the game, but the Lions won the popular vote. That’s basically what happened.
Detroit Lions (11-5)
The Lions got screwed. I’ll start there. With 23 seconds left in the 4th quarter, the Lions scored a touchdown to make the score 20-19, in favour of the Cowboys. Without hesitating, and because it’s 2023 2024, the Lions went for two to win the game right then and there. Fine. Not what I would’ve done, but if you have a play queued up specifically for this moment, go for it (I guess). The Lions converted! It was a passing play to an offensive lineman who had to report as eligible. Basically every Mike Vrabel touchdown from your youth.
Hold on, though. A penalty flag is down. The player didn’t report, according to the referee. At this time, I’ll refer you to my friend Travis who has an exceptional breakdown of what exactly went down during the two-point conversion.
So then the Lions go for two again, after being backed up due to the penalty. Micah Parson jumps into the neutral zone and we have another penalty. The Lions get the yards back. At this point, the Football Gods are just toying with the Lions. “Oh, you wanna go for 2? Okay, go for 2. We’ll even make it easier for you after initially making it harder! We dare you!” All the while the Football Gods are laughing to each other that the Lions haven’t sent their kicker out there yet to kick the extra point and go to overtime.
The Lions failed to get the conversion and lost the game.
Is this what we’re going to see from teams in the playoffs and maybe the Super Bowl? This is what happens when analytics meets ego/pride/bravado. Analytics have given teams an excuse to double down on their “aggressive” mantra. I feel like if no one was watching this game, the coach in that situation would be more apt to send the kicker out there. But no. They’ve made their decision to go for it. They can’t turn back now and look weak.
The Lions were the better team all night (outside of their coverage of Ceedee Lamb). Your best two-point conversion play was nullified. Go to overtime and get the job done.
Denver Broncos (8-8)
The Broncos benched Russell Wilson last week and intend to do so again this week, as it will save them $37 million. It’s absolutely the right decision. If they let him play, you might as well just run the “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?” clip from The Simpsons on repeat over the PA system. Obviously, Wilson isn’t going to like the decision and it’ll probably lead to both sides parting ways sooner than later. If you’re the Broncos, this is probably exactly what they want.
Green Bay Packers (8-8)
The Packers face the Bears at home to close out the season. If they win, they’re in the playoffs. It’s that simple. In his last 7 games, Jordan Love has thrown 16 touchdowns and only 1 interception. He’s looking like the quarterback of the future, if you ask me.
Houston Texans (9-7)
Another “win and you’re in” team. If the Texans beat the Colts, they’re in the playoffs. This will be their first game all season that isn’t at 1:00PM ET.
Indianapolis Colts (9-7)
Another “win and you’re in” team. If the Colts beat the Texans, they’re in the playoffs.
Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7)
The Jaguars are in the driver’s seat in the AFC South among the three teams tied at 9-7. If they defeat the Titans, they win the division. If not, it gets wonky. We like wonky. (No relation to Willy Wonka).
Kansas City Chiefs (10-6)
The Chiefs defence needs to take over the identity of the team as they enter the playoffs. Yes, Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce will be there, and Isaiah Pacheco will surely run some defenders over, but the Chiefs offence has struggled this season. The defence needs to lead the charge. They’re capable of it.
Las Vegas Raiders (7-9)
The Raiders have been eliminated from playoff contention. It feels like they’ve been through three different seasons since September.
Los Angeles Chargers (5-11)
The Chargers are currently projected to have the 6th overall pick in the NFL Draft. With a loss in Week 18 to the Chiefs, is there a chance they can move up a couple of spots and be in position to draft Marvin Harrison Jr.? I’d love to see it. Justin Herbert and Harrison Jr. for the next 10 years would be fun. Yeah, yeah, I know their defence is crying out for help.
Los Angeles Rams (9-7)
The Rams are resting Matthew Stafford in Week 18. This is my weekly reminder that we might get Lions-Rams in the first round. Cross your fingers, everyone.
Miami Dolphins (11-5)
They didn’t have Jaylen Waddle or Raheem Mostert at their disposal against the Ravens. They lost Bradley Chubb for the season due to a torn ACL. A few other key players on defence are also nursing injuries. If I’m a Dolphins fan, I’m yelling “NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS”.
Minnesota Vikings (7-9)
The Vikings need to win and then get a lot of help. Not like “copying your neighbour’s homework” help. More like, “join a group project and don’t do any of the work” help.
New England Patriots (4-12)
The entire first quarter of Patriots-Bills was just the Patriots turning the ball over every time they got it, but only being down six points, somehow. Maybe that says more about the Bills than it does the Patriots.
In theory, it would behoove the Patriots to lose the final game of the season and secure as high a draft pick as possible. However, they’re playing the Jets – a team they’ve beaten 15 times in a row. If this is the end of the Belichick era, there’s no way he’s going out with a loss to the Jets. Also, players don’t care about losing games for higher picks. Their concern is looking good on the field so they can get a job next year.
New Orleans Saints (8-8)
Almost every week I joke that no one wants to win the NFC South. The Saints need to win and then hope the Buccaneers lose to the Panthers. What a messy division.
New York Giants (5-11)
Tyrod Taylor threw for 319 yards. The Giants lost 26-25 to the Rams.
New York Jets (6-10)
Breece Hall has 21 receptions in the last two games with Trevor Siemian as the starting quarterback. I hope he’s closing in on a receptions bonus in his contract.
Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
The Eagles lost at home to the Arizona Cardinals. Is it too late to call an intervention? The weird thing is they can’t blame their spiral on injuries. All of their guys are there. They just haven’t been good enough. They squandered the top seed in the NFC and now they’ve (likely) fumbled away a home playoff game in the first round.
The Eagles have allowed 401 points this season. The only teams who have allowed more are the Commanders, Cardinals, and Panthers.
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7)
Kenny Pickett has been cleared to play but the Steelers are sticking with Mason Rudolph, which is the right decision.
San Francisco 49ers (12-4)
The 49ers have clinched the top seed in the NFC.
Seattle Seahawks (8-8)
Above, I ran through the easiest possible path for the Seahawks to make the playoffs. They need to beat the Cardinals, and the Bears need to beat the Packers. I don’t know, but I’m not betting against the Packers. Anything can happen and we all know the Seahawks don’t die, so we’ll see.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-8)
If the Buccaneers beat the Panthers, they win the NFC South. It sounds almost too simple.
Tennessee Titans (5-11)
This will probably be the last time we see Derrick Henry in a Titans uniform. Also, today (January 4) is his 30th birthday!
Washington Commanders (4-12)
So, are they re-renaming the team or not?
Next week, I might have an additional NFL post to go along with my Week 18 Snapshots. It’ll be a fun one.
The Captain's Speech 
Thanks for the recap and thoughts. Nice job.
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