NFL Prom 2024: Part 1

In the week between the end of the regular season and the start of the playoffs, the NFL holds their annual prom. Each team sends one representative – normally the same one every year – to a banquet hall in the city where that year’s Super Bowl will be held. This year, NFL Prom is in Las Vegas at the finest banquet hall you can imagine. The exact location is not disclosed publicly, for security reasons.

I was asked to attend the event and write about the proceedings.

This is my report.

The grass is green, the sky was blue, and I can see my reflection in my shoe, as I stand outside of this undisclosed location for the 58th annual NFL Prom and await the arrival of the first limousine. A barricade separates myself and about 18 other reporters and photographers from the area where the stars will arrive.

As is tradition, the divisions arrive together, so we are expecting eight limos to pull into this freshly watered parking lot any moment now.

A kind, but perturbed, camerawoman informed me that a wet ground is more aesthetically pleasing for photographs, especially with a nighttime backdrop. It’s referred to in the business as something called “The Bachelor mansion driveway effect”. I don’t know what that means because, unfortunately, I stepped in a puddle and splashed her equipment before I could ask.

You can see why she was perturbed.

You may recall in the past there was a red carpet (it was turf), but too many people were complaining about injuries, so they have done away with it.

It seems I have a bit more time to kill before the limos arrive, so now is a good time to mention that a Prom Head and Prom Tail will be named by the end of the night. Those representing the AFC are eligible for Prom Head, while those representing the NFC are eligible for Prom Tail.

The thirty-two team representatives, as well as the media members in attendance, will fill out a ballot. Who will win is a coin flip at this point.

What else can I tell you about as I stall for time? Oh, yes. There are eight security personnel standing by, just to make sure nothing goes wrong. They don’t seem to speak. At least not yet. It also looks like they have something in their back pocket, but I can’t tell from this angle.

Anyway, they’re here in case anyone is offside, or something.

Oh look, here comes the first limo! Thank goodness! I was about to start talking about the wet ground again.

It’s the AFC West!

Representing the AFC West:

Kasey Chief
Liz “Not Carmen” Charger
Dan “Buck” Bronco
Lady Liv Raider

First out of the limo is the radiant and fierce, Liv Raider, who immediately informs the media that she would like to be referred to as Lady Liv Raider this year since NFL Prom is being held in her hometown.

There are no objections, mainly because Liv Raid– sorry, Lady Liv Raider is not someone to whom you object. Heck, if she tells you to go swim in a puddle, you do it.

Thankfully, she did not, but as you know this reporter had already gone for a dip. A little splash-splash, if you will. The water was warm.

For the second year in a row, Liz Charger comes out of the limo holding a white piece of paper with “Not Carmen” written on it in black marker.

In 2022 when NFL Prom was held in Los Angeles, a reporter mistakenly called her by her former name, “Carmen”. Some say that reporter was from San Diego, but we haven’t seen him since. Where in the world is he?

Lady Liv Raider and Liz “Not Carmen” Charger are actually quite close as they’ve bonded over being mad at those who refer to them by their incorrect name. As they say, “The wins, losses, and ties that bind.”

Buck Bronco cannot stop saying “Let’s Ride” and you could tell the others are tired of it. Perhaps – and I’m making an educated guess here – he said it no less than a bazillion times as the limo was en route?

Kasey Chief is the adultiest adult of the group. He’s someone who pulls out an unused handkerchief whenever someone is in desperate need of a tissue. He managed to get everyone together for what turned out to be a nice, wholesome, family prom photo by the limo.

The AFC West heads inside and we await the next limo. And here it comes! Yippee!

Well, knock me over with a 60mph wind, it’s the AFC East!

Representing the AFC East:

Biff “BB” Bill
Mia Dolphin
Nancy Yvette Jet
Noah Elliott Patriot

Biff “BB” Bill is out of the limo and is pulling out a…folding table!? No, wait! What’s this? There’s a bit of commotion coming from inside the limo. There’s…yelling? Ah! Here comes a second folding table! He brought two!

“Biff! Biff!”, I shouted. He finally looked over, as he dragged the folding tables through a puddle.

“Why did you bring two folding tables?”

“In case one of them breaks!”

Well, duh. I should’ve known that. Maybe I should go for a swim in a puddle. It’s the punishment I deserve.

Mia Dolphin restores class and normalcy to the moment, as she greets all of us who have been blessed to stand here and document this event. She’s a bit of a quick-talker, but it’s endearing.

Noah Elliot Patriot is the exact opposite. No one will ever accuse him of being a quick-talker. Heck, he won’t even be accused of being a talker.

He’s wearing a grey hoodie under a black blazer and mutters a few words as he walks by. Another reporter is convinced he said “On to Cincinnati” though that doesn’t make sense to me because next year’s NFL Prom is in New Orleans.

Maybe I’ll follow up with him later.

The limo is leaving…but where is Nancy Yvette Jet? Is she not here? Is she sick?

Fortunately, Mia Dolphin was still on the red carpet and I tracked her down before she went inside. She let me know that Nancy Yvette Jet had a wardrobe malfunction inside the limo. As Biff was hastily pulling out his second folding table, the leg got caught on the side of Nancy’s dress and ripped it!

That must’ve been the commotion!

According to Mia Dolphin, Nancy Yvette Jet was going back to the hotel and was doubtful to return.

How awful. Her night ended before it had even begun. A shame.

But here comes the next limo!

It’s a bit muddy on the outside, which means it must be…it is! It’s the AFC North!

Representing the AFC North:

Timo Raven
Natti Bengal
Pat Steeler
Eve Brown

Before the limo door even opens, we can hear yelling inside.

“Let me out!”

“Move out of the way!”

I guess now is the perfect opportunity to bring up the food fight these four started at last year’s NFL Prom. It wasn’t pretty. A highlight (I’m told) was when Natti Bengal – a woman of sophistication – poured gravy into her baked potato and then hurled it across the table at Pat Steeler.

The thing exploded like a water balloon.

And here they come. Not the jolliest looking bunch, but they’re slowly putting on their “we’re in public, let’s be civil” faces.

Timo Raven looks like a model out of a catalogue. He is wearing a pin that says “TimoTime” which I’m assuming is apart of his campaign to be named Prom Head this year. We’ll see if it works.

Pat Steeler has splashes of mud on the back of his pants, while Natti Bengal and Eve Brown are dressed to the “second and nines” (NFL Prom lingo), and look like they’ve avoided any encounters with dirt.

Despite the bickering, these four are taking a group photo. Sure, it’s all an act but if a picture tells 1000 words, they’re going to make sure it’s 1000 positive, happy, jubilant words. As soon as the last camera stops flickering, however, the disgust for one another returns to their faces.

They have promised to be on their best behaviour this year. Let’s see if that holds true.

Bring on the fourth limo!

It’s the AFC South!

Representing the AFC South:

Hugh Texan
Indy Colt
Tenley Titan
Jack Jaguar

Tenley Titan and Indy Colt are arm in arm and look happier than a rainbow. They believe it has been too long since a woman from the AFC South has been named Prom Head. As they continue to give a speech about supporting one another, Hugh Texan steps in front of them and asks us if Dal Cowboy or Buck Bronco have arrived yet.

Jack Jaguar, meanwhile, has been fixing his hair for what seems to be the last five minutes as his nose is almost pressed up against the side mirror of the limo. Maybe objects aren’t closer than they appear?

A few months ago, Jack was a frontrunner to be named Prom Head, but his campaign has soured as of late. Perhaps that’s why he feels the need to have every strand of hair perfectly coiffed.

I will say, the AFC South representatives are a determined bunch, albeit they have a different way of going about getting what they want. We’ll see if any of them can find what they’re looking for by the end of the night.

Time for the fifth limo.

It’s the NFC East!

This is, easily, the most anticipated arrival every year. Why? Because they are so calculated with their limo exit. For 17 years in a row, a different person has exited the limo first. It’s become its own Groundhog Day. People take this very seriously. There’s even a Wikipedia page that tracks the limo exit order for the NFC East.

Phil Eagle exited first last year. If it’s anyone but him, the streak will reach an unprecedented 18 years.

The door is slowly opening…

It’s Dal Cowboy! The streak extends to 18 years!

Representing the NFC East:

Dal Cowboy
Phil Eagle
Nia Giant
Wanda Commander

Dal Cowboy has stopped just outside the limo door to give a few remarks. What’s this? The driver is setting up a podium! How official.

“There is truly no greater honour than to exit America’s Limo and feel the camera flashes on my face before anyone else. I always knew I would be back in this spot, but Phil Eagle has been giving me a run for my money lately. He’s really pushed me to do better.”

With that, Dal Cowboy receives a push in the back. It’s Phil Eagle, trying to exit the limo! Dal is a big guy and isn’t budging. His 15 seconds of fame has ticked down to 3 seconds and he’s refusing to call a timeout.

Phil is getting quite low with his push, hoping to avoid a targeting penalty, perhaps? What I’m witnessing almost seems like a rear end rendering…no…a posterior plunge…closer…a tush push…warmer…a brotherly shove! That’s the one!

Phil Eagle is out of the limo. He may not have been first, but he was the second one out with two remaining. A classic second and two conversion.

To say that Nia Giant and Wanda Commander are happy to be here would be a complete lie. They don’t see the point this year. Nia Giant only came because it was a chance to hang out with her bestie, Nancy Yvette Jet.

However…

“What do you mean Nancy isn’t here? She’s the only reason I came to this stupid thing! Let’s go Wanda, we’re leaving. Limo driver – to Nancy’s hotel! NOW!”

Before the limo door closed, I heard Nancy ask the driver if he knew of any Italian restaurants nearby. Something about craving chicken cutlets. I don’t know.

To say that Dal and Phil cared about Nancy and Wanda leaving would also be a lie. I’m not even sure they noticed.

On to limo number…

Wait, Noah Elliot Patriot has come back outside.

“Noah, where are you going? There were rumours you were on to Cincinnati.”

“I have been here for 24 minutes, it is time to leave.”

With that, a nondescript black SUV pulled up to the curb to pick up Noah. There goes my hero.

I would’ve asked another question, but I was too busy counting on my fingers how many words he had actually said.

On to limo number six!

It’s the NFC North!

Representing the NFC North:

Troy Lion
Gabriella Packer
Minnie Viking
Chet “No Sweat” Bear

Troy Lion has been a noted party animal over the years, but this year he is put together. Calm, even. Will it last? The night is young.

Gabriella Packer is bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and cheese-headed, as she is making her NFL Prom debut, taking over duties from long-time attendee and three-time Prom Tail, Bayley Packer. The key for Gabriella is not try and do too much. You don’t need a selfie with everyone – just enjoy the night.

Minnie Viking, meanwhile, has checked her watch no less than seven times since exiting the limo. She is too proud to go home, but as soon as it becomes socially acceptable to leave, you can bet she’ll be the first one to go.

Wait…what’s happening? Folks, we have a developing story.

It looks like Chet Bear has gotten his tie stuck in the door of the limo. A gust of wind blew his tie wide left just as the limo driver was closing the door. It is stuck!

Chet is in a real scramble right now. It looks like he’s taking his entire tie off?

No! He doesn’t need to do this. Just open the door! Open the do-

Oh, good. The driver opened the door. The tie is saved, but a little beat up. Embarrassed, Chet runs by all of us into the banquet hall. He yells out, “bears don’t sweat!” at the last second, which is factually correct. Bears don’t have sweat glands. Chet, however, does. He’s in denial.

The real question is: will Chet find a replacement tie somewhere, or will he stay with the one he has?

Here comes the seventh…limo? The top is down – it’s a convertible limo. This can only be one division.

It’s the NFC West!

I was expecting them to be fashionably late and arrive last, so this is a surprise.

Representing the NFC West:

Francine 49er
Angelina Ram
Seymour Seahawk
Ari Cardinal

Francine 49er is first out of the limo with a massive boombox. Wow! Did she think there wasn’t going to be a DJ here today? At least if there’s a power failure, we’ll be okay.

Let me tell you something about Angelina Ram. She is an NFL Prom encyclopedia. She can name each and every Prom Head and Tail dating back to 1967. Just ask her. She may be posing for the camera right now while moving her face a quarter of an inch every three seconds, but she is brilliant.

Seymour Seahawk is…uh…well, he’s doing some calisthenics. I guess it was a long ride?

As for Ari Cardinal, he is a bit shy and unsure of what to do now that he’s exited the limo. He doesn’t fit in with the popular kids of this division, that much is clear. I imagine they say he should talk more and he replies with something like, “what do you want me to say?”

That being said, I’ve heard that Seymour Seahawk has taken Ari Cardinal under his wing. They are pals, bros, members of a flock – but only when the others aren’t around.

As they head inside, we await our final limo of the evening. It will be the NFC South.

And we wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Hey, I think my socks are dry.

What the? What’s this?

A flag? No! It’s a giant beige napkin! And it has been thrown by one of the security guards! Is there a…penalty?

“Delay of NFL Prom – too many flat tires on the limo. NFC South. Three hour penalty. Reporters may head inside.”

Wow, talk about things going south for the NFC South. I hope everyone is okay and they can get here eventually.

I guess it’s time for me to head inside.

Stay tuned for “NFL Prom 2024: Part 2” coming next week.