Hello, my name is Paul, and welcome to my FED Talk. Please take a seat. Wait, why are you walking out with your chairs? That’s not what I meant! Come back! Sit. Stay. Good humans.
Anyway, this is a judgment-free zone, which means you can judge me for free. There are no hidden fees – don’t bother looking under your chair – so don’t worry.
When it comes to food, I don’t consider myself a picky eater. That being said, I’m not out in the world, trying everything I can put a fork on. I’m calculated.
I tend to eat with my eyes. If my eyes are sending red flags to my stomach, I don’t want it. I guess you can say my hidden talent is knowing how I feel about a food before even tasting it.
If I don’t desire a food, I won’t eat it. I’m not curious to know what everything tastes like.
On an unrelated note, if I walk through a furniture store, I will touch everything. So my curiosity is channeled toward different things, I guess.
Before I get into my list, just know that I’m not a big candy person and I stay away from foods that are really spicy, or have a lot of black pepper. I just can’t handle them. The spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy’s is my spice limit.
Now that I’ve whet your appetite, here are some foods (and drinks) I’ve never had before.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Let’s just rip the bandage off, shall we? Most people seem to rave about them. I couldn’t care less about them. Are they aesthetically appealing? Yes. They look like what beavers would use for hockey pucks.
However, I don’t like the combination of peanut butter and chocolate, so eating a peanut butter cup is not something I’m interested in doing.
Remember, I’m not a candy person. I shared a picture to my Instagram story and mentioned that I’ve never had Skittles. WELL, might as well have said I no longer love pizza. I received immediate backlash from multiple people. Oh well. I don’t really care to try Skittles.
What is the purpose of chocolate milk? I grew up on white milk and other than water and sometimes juice, that’s mainly what I drink with every meal. Lately, I’ve been asking for white milk at fast-food restaurants (I’ve only had pop once in the last 60 days, or so), and I feel like I’m being judged. Like, “Why aren’t you getting chocolate milk instead?”
Some restaurants don’t even have white milk – they only carry chocolate milk. How does that make sense? That’s like saying a pizza place doesn’t make cheese pizza. It should be the default option.
My goal in life is to sit in on every focus group related to food.
Does this qualify as food? I’ve never had it. One of my teachers used to hand out gum, but I always turned it down, so she offered me mints. So much better! Some other kids caught on and then they were asking for mints, in addition to gum.
Don’t rush the stage all at once, please. Let’s be civil.
I will say this, I might have had a taco back on a Grade 7 overnight trip, but I’m not sure. It was meal time and there were about eight of us at the table. They passed wraps and condiments in bowls (lettuce, meat, cheese) around. Well, the first kid who got them, took as much as he wanted and didn’t care who else was there. I was one of the last people to receive the condiment bowls and there was barely anything left. I’m still bitter about it.
Was that a taco? Or was it a flimsy wrap with condiments? Was it a burrito? Is there even a difference? I really don’t care.
Bottom line: I don’t think I’ve ever looked at a taco and thought, “Wow, I’d like to put that in my mouth!”
Sorry, but not really.
Your Favourite Cereal
Unless your favourite cereal is Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, or Shreddies, I’ve never had your favourite cereal. As for the three I listed, Corn Flakes are far and away my favourite. Shreddies only taste good on their own, without milk. Rice Krispies have no taste.
Also known as, Twizzlers? There’s just something so unappealing about them. On top of that, I can’t stand the smell. When I was a kid, I went to the movies with some friends and we shared a few bags of popcorn. One kid was eating liquorice too, and then put his hand in the popcorn bag. Before you knew it, all of the popcorn smelled like liquorice.
You may be reading this and thinking, “Between this and the taco story, he clearly doesn’t like these foods just because he attaches them to bad experiences.” Maybe. But also maybe not. But maybe.
It looks like high-end mud.
Lollipops, Sour Keys, Jaw Breakers, Gummies
Basically any candy you saw a kid in elementary school light up over. I never had any interest in eating any of these items and still don’t.
This might be considered a sin in Canada, but so be it. Fries with gravy? I’m with you. Add cheese to the mix? I’m out. What for? Why are we doing this to ourselves?
Life is all about avoiding the need to vomit. Tell me I’m wrong. Eating poutine seems like a one-way ticket to Pukeville.
This is another Canadian delicacy that I have never had. Might as well ship me off to America. Please don’t.
Ice Cream Cake
I guess I never attended a birthday party that had ice cream cake. Do I wish to try it? Not really.
Drinks From Starbucks
I’m very simple when it comes to beverages. I don’t care for all the blended options. As far as I’m concerned, they’re a different language.
THE ONE AND DONE CLUB: These are foods that I’ve tried, but don’t like.
Sushi: Didn’t enjoy it. And if you’re even thinking of saying, “Well there are so many different types, maybe you’ll like one of them!” don’t bother.
Ketchup Chips: This is another Canadian thing. I think they’re awful. And yet, Canadians make it sound like a big selling point for living in this country. I like ketchup, but not this.
Vegan Sausage: I tried this about two weeks ago. It was the most foul smell and taste that I’ve ever encountered. The whole house stunk. I was waving my arms like I was fending off a swarm of bees, just to get some air flow.
Hot Chocolate: I burned my tongue on it at the Rest Station during Winter Play Day at school when I was in kindergarten. Haven’t had it since. I didn’t understand the point of it. If being bundled up in a snowsuit and sitting inside a room with heat wasn’t enough to warm me up, then I had bigger problems.
Pickle Popcorn: Was at the mall and the popcorn place had free samples out. I grabbed one without checking the flavour. It was pickle popcorn. I spit it out at the nearest garbage can. I like pickles, but that was awful.
Coffee: I’m not a hot drink person. It could be -20 Celsius outside and I’d still prefer cold water.
Onion Rings: I’ve tried these on more than one occasion, mainly out of necessity. I once ordered fries with my burger at a fast-food place at school. They had run out of fries and asked if I wanted onion rings. I reluctantly said yes, knowing I didn’t like them.
I took one bite out of an onion ring and that taste stayed in my mouth the entire meal. I couldn’t even taste my burger after that. I threw the onion rings out.
Sweet Potato Fries: This is along the same lines as onion rings. They were forced upon me as a substitute for fries at school. I didn’t really know what they were and wondered why the lady was putting carrots on my plate.
Yes, I thought sweet potato fries were carrots, until she handed me my plate.
Alright, let’s end this here. If I haven’t listed a food, you can assume I… A) like it; B) have tried it at least once; C) completely forgot to mention it; D) have never had it; or E) didn’t think it was worth mentioning.
That wasn’t a multiple choice question, by the way.
Thank you for attending my FED Talk. I’m sure a lot of feathers have been ruffled, but it’s okay – we’re all Big Birds here.
You may now take your seat…home with you. They’re a collector’s item.
I look forward to hearing from you in the comments section below! What foods have you never had before? Why?