We are down to the Final 3. Rock, paper, scissors. Eenie, meenie, miney. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. This, That, and The Other. No matter which way you spin it, no matter how many trios I list, the fact of the matter remains that there are three (3) women left.
In twenty minutes, there will only be two. Cue the dramatic violins.
Tonight’s episode features a Rose Ceremony, followed by the Women Tell All reunion where Chris Harrison will welcome back all the women Peter sent home, and ask them questions that will lead to them yelling at each other.
I am not watching the Women Tell All part because I don’t want to, even though Sarah will be there and she was my favourite.
Here we go.
~ Chris Harrison welcomes us in to a studio that has way too many candles. They’re probably fake.
~ Chahooooogadingdingsplat. Oh, you know what that sound means!
~ It is time to play everyone’s favourite game show: Spot The Men In The Audience!
SPOT THE MEN IN THE AUDIENCE
~ I see one, I see two, I see three. Do we have four? Do we have four men? Four! Do we have five? Five! Do we have…we have six!
~ Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven men. Are there twelve? Do we have twelve? Going once. Twice. Cold.
~ There are 11 men in the audience. That means there are about 103 women.
~ And that’s it for this edition of: Spot The Men In The Audience.
BACK TO AUSTRALIA
~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony in Gold Coast, Australia. It is being held in the middle of a field, so if they need to borrow an egg from a neighbour, it might be a while.
~ Peter tells Chris Harrison that he was honest with Madison last night and it went horribly.
~ Peter is crying under a tree.
~ Hannah Ann has arrived for the Rose Ceremony and is greeted by Chris H.
~ Victoria arrives next.
WHERE IS MADISON?
~ Madison is either fashionably late, or not coming at all. There seems to be a hold up.
~ Peter is standing on the hill, waiting for Madison to arrive, while the other two girls are standing in position at the Rose Ceremony, shivering in the wind.
~ Oh, the pathetic fallacy.
~ And here comes Madison in a red dress. She talks to Chris for a bit.
~ The edit makes it seem like Madison made them wait because she wasn’t sure if she wanted to show up. They probably just drove around the block, so she was late.
~ Meanwhile, in the distance, Peter looks like his boat just sunk and he has to swim to shore.
~ Hey, I’m just reading his facial expressions for what they are.
~ It’s time to start handing out roses!
~ None of them look like they want to be there. Is this what love is? Why is this show all about pain and suffering?
~ Peter says the thought of having to hurt one of them is “absolutely destroying”.
~ Hannah Ann gets the first rose.
~ Peter picks up the next rose and two petals fall off and blow away!
~ He calls Madison’s name and she doesn’t walk forward immediately. Finally, she does, and Peter asks if she will accept the rose.
~ Madison reluctantly accepts the rose.
~ Oh man, if she didn’t, does he try and give it to Victoria? Or is Hannah Ann the only one with a rose and the finale is just him looking in a mirror for two hours, wondering what he should do?
~ WHY IS HANNAH ANN CRYING? SHE GOT THE FIRST ROSE. AND NOW SHE’S DISTRAUGHT?
~ Is she crying because she knows she can’t beat Madison in the finals?
~ Anyway, Victoria doesn’t have to go home, but she can’t stay here.
~ Peter walks her out and says he was falling in love with her.
~ Victoria: “I feel stupid.”
~ Peter goes back to see Madison and Hannah Ann and informs them his family is in Australia to meet them.
~ Madison gives a toast: “Here’s to seeing if love can conquer all.” Dun dun dun.
~ Hannah Ann still has tears in her eyes.
BACK IN THE STUDIO
~ Chris Harrison says next week’s finale is so unexpected and unprecedented that no one knows how Peter’s journey will end, not even Peter.
~ Okay, Chris.
~ It is time for the Women Tell All portion of the show.
~ I’m not watching this part, but Sarah will be there, so I will fast-forward through it and if I see Sarah talk, I’ll stop and listen.
~ By my account, they didn’t show her say a single word. That’s ridiculous.
~ While everyone else was bickering, she sat there like an angelic, peacemaker, not wanting to get in on the drama.
~ Alright, I’m pushing it now.
~ Bottom Line: Sarah’s lack of screen time this entire season has been baffling to me and I will never let it go. I’ll still be bitter about it five years from now.
Next week is the two-night season finale, so order your takeout food, put on a hoodie, and get ready for four hours of your life you will never get back.
Or you can just read my recap.
See you then!