The Muffin Man

I’m not much of a dessert person. All those fancy, restaurant-quality dessert photos, that people post on social media, don’t impress me much. I don’t care for your squiggles of chocolate sauce, wiggles of caramel, and plops of whipped cream on top.

Whipped cream is disgusting, by the way, especially when it goes up your nose. That’s a story for another day right now. I hate when people put off stories for another day. Just tell it! We have all day.

Having worked at a camp, I’ve participated in my fair share of food eating competitions. Most of them were disgusting.

Watermelon was refreshing, but was tough given how hard it is to bite into half a watermelon without using your hands.

Pasta with food colouring was gross. It had zero flavour. Whoever made it definitely didn’t put salt in the water while it cooked. Amateurs. Do you even watch Hell’s Kitchen?

Bobbing for apples was gross, given there was another person bobbing in the same barrel of water. It was like a two for one shower.

Eating through a bowl of jalapeño chips to reach a poker chip at the bottom was just painful.

Picking up M&M’s with chopsticks was downright impossible.

Chubby Bunny was fun. The guy who won, rolled up his marshmallows into thin pieces before putting them in his mouth. There’s your winning strategy, kids.

One of my favourites was a tag team challenge where the kids picked a guy counsellor to feed grapes to a girl counsellor. Why was it one of my favourites? Because I didn’t have to do anything except feed someone else grapes at a gluttonous pace. Fun!

And then there was the one with whipped cream. I don’t even remember what the challenge was, but shoving your face into a plate of whipped cream was involved. It was a mess. It went up my nose, probably in my ears too.

For the rest of the day, the oxygen passing through my nose smelled like whipped cream. It was awful. But that’s not the reason why I hate whipped cream. It just tastes really bad.

End of (long-winded) story.

I’m more of a cookie, cake, donut, cupcake, and muffin, kinda guy. You know, all the healthy ones.

Special shoutout to the cinnamon danishes at my university. You were a wonderful breakfast, snack, and dessert. I miss you dearly.

When I was a kid, Hostess Cupcakes were my favourite.

And then somewhere around 2007, they changed the recipe! The number of swirls on top changed. The chocolate on top became softer. The cake part was different. Who even cares about the cream in the middle at this point.

I’ve been bitter about it ever since. I don’t eat Hostess Cupcakes anymore.

When it comes to muffins, chocolate chip is my flavour of choice. I’ve never understood why you’d want to ruin a dessert by adding fruit to it.

Time for another story.

In high school, I was on the intramural council. We wanted to do a Secret Santa gift exchange and go out for dinner. Sounds fun, right? Well, one teacher on council suggested that we save our money, donate $10 each to charity, and have an ice cream party instead.

I really wish I could go back and say, “No”, to that because I was probably the only one in the room who could’ve said, “No”, and immediately received everyone’s support.

But at the time, how are you supposed to say you don’t want to give money to charity around Christmas? You can’t. We were handcuffed.

The teachers supplied the ice cream and large, yellow plastic bowls, which left me scarred for life. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

The students – there were about 15 of us – were responsible for bringing in one topping each, which means we were setting ourselves up for a bout of diarrhea.

Oh yeah, this blog post just went there.

Anyway, I’m not adventurous when it comes to ice cream. Give me vanilla, mint chocolate, or banana, and I’m good. I stuck with vanilla since it was there.

I don’t care for toppings, but my scoops of vanilla were looking lonely in my bowl. Plus I didn’t want to field questions like, “Why didn’t you get toppings?” and comments like, “It’s so plain!”

Let me live!

So, I added sprinkles because I like sprinkles. Then I saw some luscious looking strawberries and put a few in my bowl.

I can’t remember if I got anything else, but the first bite was absolutely terrible. Forget the diarrhea, there was about to be vomit everywhere.

There is a high probability that the plastic bowls came right from a shelf in a store. I’m pretty sure we peeled off the barcode stickers before eating.

The taste of plastic had taken over the taste of ice cream. And worse, the strawberries also added their unique flavour to the mix. It was at this time in my life that I realized I like strawberries the same way I like ketchup – on the side, never mixed with anything.

I have terrible memories from that ice cream party.

Moral of the story: LET PEOPLE HAVE THEIR SECRET SANTA GIFT EXCHANGE AND DINNER.

End of story.

I guess this finally brings me to muffins. Ever since my favourite local muffin establishment, Mmmuffins, seemingly closed all of their locations around me, I’ve been on the search for a good muffin to take its place.

Because if there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s a fresh, moist, chocolate chip muffin. It’s been a long time, but I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for.

I present to you, Exhibit M:

Yes, the M stand for Muffin. This post isn’t about Meatloaf.

The muffin in that picture kinda looks like Paddington Bear’s hat from the side, doesn’t it?

This chocolate chip muffin comes in a pack of six, all the way from Peru. My family is now on our fourth pack, in the last three weeks. And by “my family”, I mean me, and sometimes my mom.

Honestly, I’ve had at least one per day. And when we get to the end of a pack, they’re still fresh and moist! Those are the buzz words here.

However! We had a mystery with pack number two. There was a distinct moment when I said to my mom, “We have three left.” The following day, there were only two!

I asked her if she had one, she said she didn’t. My sister said from the beginning she had no interest in them, so that ruled her out. So it must’ve been my dad, the notorious food sneaker, himself.

HE DENIED IT!

For the last two weeks, I’ve tried to catch him in a lie and admit to taking the muffin. I’ve tried to squeeze “….just like that time you took the muffin, right” into sentences to catch him off guard and see if he’d BITE and say, “Yes.”

Nothing. No one is owning up to it.

If you, or anyone you know, has seen a chocolate chip muffin that looks like Paddington Bear, wandering around, please let me know so I can stop accusing my dad.

Anyway, after the first few muffins I ate, I started to get mildly bothered by how sticky they were to pick up. That’s the price of a fresh, moist muffin.

Then it hit me like a marmalade sandwich. Muffins are basically cake. We eat cake with forks. Why can’t I eat a muffin with a fork? And then I got the idea to use a knife to cut it open.

The following photo is security footage of me, the last time I ate a chocolate chip muffin with my hands.

Don’t let the prior Paddington picture fool you, it’s a big muffin. It was like biting into an oblong gala apple.

Whereas with a fork and knife, I felt very professional and important, as if I had a private jet waiting for me, complete with leather chairs, mini fridge, and a server named Giles, who always had a towel draped over his forearm.

I also hated it. This is who I am now? A person who eats a muffin with a fork and knife? Who do I think I am? Regis Philbin?

Semi-disgusted with myself, I put out this tweet.

It started out with a tweet, how could this muffin be beat, it was only a tweet, it was only a tweet.

All this being said, I don’t think I can go back to eating a muffin with my hands. It’s like seeing High Definition for the first time. You can’t go back after that.

Besides, using a fork and knife is far more efficient. I have a whole cutting routine because I’m an exquisite gentlemen now.

Ahahahahaha.

I cut the muffin in half. Then I cut each half in half, vertically. Now I have four pieces in front of me. I chop each of them in half, horizontally.

Now there are seven, regulation size pieces of muffin in front of me. I know what you’re thinking, there should be eight. Wrong. I ate one when you weren’t looking. Keep up!

Om nom nom nom.

Hey, don’t knock it till you try it!

And I say that as someone who berates chocolate milk on a semi-annual basis even though I’ve never tried it.

Whaaaaaaat? Oh, save it.

Eating a muffin with a fork and knife has changed my life for the better. I don’t know how, but I do know that it hasn’t changed my life for the worse, so therefore, it must be for the better.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll try eating soup with a straw. Oh wait, I’ve already tried that. It was not good. Almost as unpleasant as the cup of hot chocolate I was given at the Rest Station during Winter Play Day when I was in Senior Kindergarten.

Yeah, I said it! I have beef with hot chocolate! It burned my delicate, little five-year-old mouth.

I hold grudges against foods, if you haven’t noticed.

I also have a grudge against cantaloupe, but that’s a story for another day.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this.

Merry Muffin to all, and to Paul a good bite.

What’s your favourite type of muffin?

Do you eat certain foods with a fork/knife, that most people eat with their hands? 

What do you think happened to that missing muffin from Pack #2? Would you watch a Netflix documentary about it?

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About Paul

I don't know what my blog is about.
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29 Responses to The Muffin Man

  1. Goodness, Paul. You write the most insane things LOL
    Yes, I know what happened to the muffin but I want to have an exclusive deal with Netflix before I tell my side of the story.

    Once, at a youth event, I was the only girl on my group of much older guys (I’m talking like I was 14, just starting grade 9, and they were all 19/20 and starting university) and we were having a night of games and contests. One round was a jello eating contest. I hadn’t done anything yet because I was shy and all those guys were very attractive and intimidating, so I forced myself volunteered for the next event. To my surprise, it was a jello eating contest. You got a plate of jello with whipped cream on top and you had to eat with just your face. It was DISGUSTING! I was gagging and trying to hold it together. I still can’t eat jello. I’m scarred for life.

    Also, I don’t like muffin bottoms. I love muffin tops. So much so that I want to invest in a muffin top pan and instead of making full muffins, just eat the top and not even make the bottom.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Yes! That’s what I forgot to mention – the top of the muffin is the best part. But what I’ve found with these muffins, is the bottom is just as good. I know it’s hard to believe. Also, I’ve always said if I had to change my blog name to something else it would be “Top of The Muffin” lol

      Blah jello with whipped cream, I’m gagging over here on your behalf. We do weird things with food when people are watching eh? When there’s an audience, we shove our face into food without even thinking about it. Then the regret immediately follows. I’ve retired from food eating contests….for now haha

      Liked by 2 people

  2. markbialczak says:

    Yeah, blueberry muffins are really good, Paul, with my hands. I will go for chocolate chip muffins as well, of course, also the way God intended.
    The only food that I’ll use utensils to help with that might surprise you is pizza, which I will go with the knife and fork to help if it appears too hot at the start. I’ve had enough burned roof of my mouth in my life from robust slice-stuffing, you know? But I’ll go back to hand-to-mouth after sufficient cooling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Surprisingly, I’m with you on the pizza with a fork and knife thing, especially if it’s a middle slice that doesn’t have crust for me to hold on to. You’re right, it does help prevent a burnt mouth. Thanks for the comment, Mark!

      Like

  3. Squid says:

    See, I’m one of the weird people who LIKE fruit and nuts in my desserts… Not sure why, because I used to hate it. So, I love a good, moist blueberry muffin or doughnut.
    Paul, I hate to admit this to you, but, well, sometimes… I’m sorry, I can’t do this!! Alright, Sydney, get yourself together… SOMETIMES I EAT PIZZA WITH A FORK AND KNIFE, OK?? THERE. I SAID IT. I’m sorry. For everything. 😫
    I have no theories about the missing muffin, but I would ABSOLUTELY watch a Netflix documentary about it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I’ve tried to like blueberries but it’s just not happening for me. I like nuts, just not with desserts lol too crunchy for me.

      Haha you’re the second one to admit to the pizza with a fork and knife! I’m totally good with it. I do it myself sometimes! It’s just easier to pick up the slice, especially if it’s a middle piece and doesn’t have crust.

      Yes! I’ll let Netflix know I have an “audience” who is demanding this.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Chichi says:

    I love Cappucino Coffee flavoured muffins. ❤ They are the absolute best. I also don't like fruit in dessert (e.g. A Blueberry muffin; why?!?)

    I can't think of anything that I eat with a fork and knife that I should probably eat with my hands… Awkward… 🙂

    You probably had a guest over and one of your family members was like, "Yeah, sure, help yourself to anything you want in the fridge!"
    Then the guest went to the fridge, saw the muffin and took it. They gobbled it down before they could even make it back to the other person. 😛 I don't know. I might follow the Netflix documentary, just out of curiosity.

    Thanks for the post, Paul! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Yes, thank you! I can’t bring myself to like blueberries.

      Interesting theory! Except no one has been over and the muffins are hidden in a cupboard haha it’s a real mystery, like who killed Joey Ryan? (You’ll appreciate that line)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Chichi says:

        The ELITE! The-The ELITE! The ELITE! The-The ELITE!

        At this point, I think you should just gather your whole family together, place them all at a square table and call it a round-table discussion.
        Bring up the issue.
        Whoever tries to shift focus from the issue at hand over to the fact that the table is not round (but rather square) is the guilty one. 😀

        Liked by 3 people

      • Paul says:

        LOL you’re brilliant. Maybe I can rent out Burnard the Business Bear and have him watch over the muffins so future mischief is avoided.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Chichi says:

        The Business Bear could help.
        If, and only if, he actually decides to speak out against the bad stuff.
        Otherwise he’ll just stand there holding his head. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Kara's Kloud says:

    I’m honestly impressed that you knew that Hostess changed their cupcake recipe back in 2007. That’s true talent!! And I eat everything with a fork thank you very much. I wasn’t the fun kid who soared dino nuggets into their mouth. I was the one that methodically cut my precious dinos into equal pieces to obtain maximum nutrition in an efficient way 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I was never a fan of the kids who turned their food into an airplane or a fly object. Just eat it already! I applaud your methodical fork skills, keep it up!

      Like

  6. ~M says:

    Hmmm…. my favorite muffin would likely be chocolate chocolate chip. Of course I don’t really eat muffins, but I could be tempted.
    I once ate a cheeseburger with a knife and fork and found it to be so much easier, but the looks I got were much too unpleasant so I never dared to do it again.
    I think your dog ate the missing muffin. Dogs are clever like that. And if you don’t have a dog, well then maybe it was the neighbors dog. I would definitely watch a documentary about it. I think it would be fascinating to see your detective skills at work. 😋

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Ohh a cheeseburger with a fork and knife! That’s interesting. It probably is easier to eat it that way, especially if there are a lot of condiments. Probably best to not do that in public though haha. The documentary would be great! I’m envisioning it to be 8 episodes.

      Liked by 1 person

      • ~M says:

        It was quite a humiliating experience. But it really was a huge burger and there was just no other way to eat the darn thing. Lol… 8 episodes? Wow… you gotta send me the link once they go live. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  7. peckapalooza says:

    Okay… My brain went all over the place while reading this. I hope I can remember it all before this comment escapes me.

    First, at the mention of muffins being like small cakes, I started thinking about the time Kevin, from The Office, complained about someone bringing mini-cupcakes to a party. “Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people!?”

    Then I transitioned to an episode of Seinfeld where the phenomenon of using utensils with non-traditional foods seemed to be all over the place. George uses a knife and fork to eat a Snickers bar. I can’t remember if it was Jerry or Elaine that talked about seeing someone eating M&Ms with a spoon. Hilarious.

    I can’t get the image of Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer as your servant out of my head. “Giles, fetch me another chocolate chip muffin and be quick about it! There’s a good lad.”

    To answer your questions: When it comes to muffins, I like the blueberry. Warm from the oven, split open at the top with butter melting inside, much like a baked potato. I try not to use forks or knives if I can help it. I like to use my hands to eat soup. Requires lots of napkins. And, yes, I would definitely watch a Netflix documentary about the missing muffin. But it needs to be at least four episodes long and should be done by the same guy that did Evil Genius. If you hire Morgan Spurlock to direct your documentary I’ll boycott.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Kevin from The Office was great, we all need a friend like that. He was on to something. It should be normal for us to get a cake without needing an occasion. Otherwise, we settle for cupcakes or muffins.

      Mmm butter on muffins is good. I normally do that with carrot muffins.

      I believe I said in another comment that it would be 8 episodes. This cold case needs to be thoroughly examined. I loved Evil Genius, so if that director wants to do this, all the better!

      Like

  8. Myka says:

    I really like Chocolate Chip Muffins, too! & I like the chocolate-chocolate ones from Costco. (I know, you don’t like going there). Another fabulous, entertaining post, luaP!
    Always such a pleasurable read. (That sounds really odd)
    I’m leaving now.
    ….
    ..
    .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ely says:

    LMFAO!!! Omg this is way too good! I remember the CANTANOPE thing hahahaha!!! As far as weird
    Eating habits- I just tend to break food up into pieces when you’re not supposed to. Like instead of just biting into a sandwich (OMG I MISSED SANDWICH AND MY PHONE CHANGED IT TO SAM WHICH LMAO WHICH REMINDS ME SAM!!! Chef Paulo!!!!!! lol!) anyways, instead of biting into a SAMWICH I break pieces off and eat those. I do this with bananas, pizza, really any “handheld” food I can rip
    Up… and it really annoys the shit
    Out of Mr Fox hahahah whatever man!!! Let me LIVE!!!!! I’m not a
    Muffin fan though. I mean I can eat one and enjoy it but it’s not the sorta thing I buy or go out hunting for. I’m not a sweets fanatic. I am much more likely craving Mexican food than anything else in the world. Or Coconut frozen yogurt. Omg. I want some NOW.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hahahaha your comments give me LYFE. (Is that what the kids say? Did I do this right? Is this thing on? Hulllooo can you hear me??). SAMWICH! LOL That is amazing! I’ll need to check in on Paulo and Sam.
      Before this muffin binge, I hadn’t had one in maybe a year. Maybe it’s just a fad until I get fat. Stay tuned haha. Go get yourself some coconut frozen yogurt! Don’t break it into pieces though…

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Ely says:

    Also- strawberries on ice cream is a horror film. Nightmare status. That is just gross. I drink this thing from Starbucks called a Strawberry Acai refresher- it’s like a juice I guess. But I replace the water with lemonade and it’s a strawberry acai lemonade- SO GOOD but It comes with strawberry chunks inside and it’s so NASTY when the chunks of strawberry get stuck in the straw and fly into my throat- i
    Call them BLOOD CLOTS lmao!!!! So I order it without the strawberries inside since it’s flavored with strawberry powder anyways lol. “Hi can I please have a strawberry acai lemonade,
    SANS THE BLOOD CLOTS please? Thank you sir. Please don’t look at me like that. I know you can see me and I can’t see you through this speaker but I SEE YOU SIR. I have the 7th sense. I have it. GOOD DAY!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      You refer to strawberry chunks as BLOOD CLOTS HAHA I’m wheezing. That’s the best! That sometimes happens with me if I’m having a drink where the ice cubs have melted down to small pellets, and then they shoot through the stray and launch themselves at the back of my throat. Don’t like it!
      I will never look at strawberries the same way after this though. This was THE LAST STRAW

      Liked by 1 person

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