To the desk chair it most definitely concerns:
Please note, this is not a letter. This is more of a notice. A warning, if you will. Actually, that’s a bit too catastrophic. I see the word “warning” and I think of people rushing outside to film shaky videos of the most recent storm.
This is just a greeting from the person you are now seating. How’s the air down there?
Let me start by telling you a bit about the chair that came before you.
I didn’t know what perfect was before I met it. We bonded instantly. The connection was stronger than Wi-Fi.
It spun me right round, baby, right round like a record, baby, right round, round round.
I’ve always had a thing for chairs that spin. I hear it’s quite the workout.
That was an exercise joke.
That chair entered my life at a time when I was attached to another chair, which was made of fabric. One day, a room inspector came in and said, “You can’t have that chair in here, it’s fabric, it might have pesticides on it.”
I cried for 17 days, 16 nights, and 1 hour of Daylight Savings Time.
So I set out to find a new chair. One that I could grow older with.
One day, I made my way to an office supplies store named, Staples. I’d heard about the place before. Rumour had it that many chairs hung out there on Thursday nights, as well as every other day of the week.
I walked in and knew the chair of my dreams was in the room.
This is getting a bit creepy, isn’t it? I should stop. I should really, really, stop.
I’LL KEEP GOING!
Anyway, there were a bunch of chairs just sitting there, waiting to be sat on.
HOW DID YOU WANT ME TO WORD IT?
Then I saw it, off in the distance, wearing leather…
Ok, Paul. Stop.
I sat in the chair. I liked how it felt. I bought it. It stayed with me for six years.
It got me through long nights, where the only thing to look at outside my window was a parking lot and a big, yellow “M” in the distance, tempting me with a late night burger and fries.
It encouraged me to stay seated whenever my bed called my name.
It had a comfortable seat and back. The back wasn’t too tall, which I liked. It leaned back for the times when I just needed to get away…from my laptop. The arm rests were soft – my elbows liked them. They always had something to laugh about.
That was a funny bone joke, for those of you with the Bingo cards.
Somewhere along the way, it grew old without me. I would speak and it would creak. I would lean back and it would complain.
The leather on the arm rest started to peel. All those funny bone jokes were no longer amusing.
The seat was flat, but I never noticed. Other people had to tell me. It’s best days were behind it, but I didn’t want to let it go.
You only find one perfect desk chair in your life. I had found mine.
The other night I made the decision to move on. Right before the clock struck twelve, I placed an order for a new desk chair
because it was on sale and shipping was free.
Last Friday, you came in
like a wrecking ball a box. Your presence was felt in every room you entered – mainly the front hall.
On Saturday, it was time to pull a Mr. Potato Head and put you together.
I just want you to know, while I was putting you together, there was a hot pizza in the kitchen. I didn’t leave you to go eat the pizza. You had a few screws loose and it was my job to be there for you.
WHY AM I STILL WRITING THIS?
You were finally put together. My new chair.
I must say, you look good in leather. Of course you do, you’re the exact same model as my old chair.
Yes, I bought the same chair as the one I previously owned – it’s the 2018 version.
You entered my room and my previous chair was still there. In the corner was a rocking chair. Immediately, I felt a turf war brewing.
To lighten the mood, I put on music and played musical chairs by myself.
Somehow, I still lost.
And yet, I’ve won. How did I get so lucky?
SHUT UP, PAUL.
You’ve been my desk chair for over a day and I have some feedback I’d like to run by you.
Your leather isn’t as smooth as my old chair. I don’t know if it will stay this way forever, but if you could try not to be so rough around the edges, that would be great.
I’ve been so use to sitting in a flat seat, that I didn’t know what a brand new cushion felt like. I feel taller when I sit down. It’s like I’m sitting on two phone books and can shake my feet in the air because they’re dangling.
They aren’t dangling, but they’re definitely trying to pull off a levitation stunt down there.
The lean needs some work, but that’s only because I liked falling backwards every five seconds with my other chair.
I woke up Sunday morning with a headache and a sore neck. I’m blaming you for this. My invoice is in the mail.
The angle between my head and laptop screen is different. You’re changing my posture. I used to sit here so relaxed and easy, maybe even with a leg crossed under the other.
Now, I sit here like I’m working a thankless desk job.
It feels like I have to make an effort to sit. I’m sure that’ll change, though. Right?
I do like that you don’t creak every time I move. Makes me feel stealthy. My old chair could’ve done sound effects for creaky doors and/or floor boards in horror films.
This partnership is new for both of us, but I think we’re gonna make it after all.
You have big shoes to fill, or in this case, small wheels. You can do it, though. You’re made for this. Literally.
Until the ducks no longer quack in a line, I promise to have your back, as long as you have mine.