Welcome back for another unexplained-pageant-drama edition of Viewing Notes. I’m Paul and with me again after a week off is Cass! Her thoughts will be in bold.
Guess who’s back! Sorry I missed last week, I know you all missed me!
With that, let’s get this salt out of the shaker and add some flavour!
~ All the drama, I am so ready!
~ Everyone is gathered in the living room as Chris Harrison gives his weekly State of the Bachelor address.
~ Chris is going on about all the highs and lows of love.
~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch: Rolled UP
~ He leaves them the date card and says, “I bet I’ll be seeing you around.”
~ That’s something a murderer would say. What the hell, Christopher?
~ Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn are going on the first group date.
~ This is gonna be an interesting group date.
~ The Hannah (Miss Alabama) and Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) drama is starting early.
~ The date is being held at a Pirate’s Dinner Adventure. Could they not afford Medieval Times?
~ I’m setting the over/under at 4.5 pirate puns. Place your bets.
~ Pirate Pun #1: “Life’s greatest treasure is standing right in front of you.” – Demi
~ The girls walk in on Colton acting like a pirate and throwing people in water because that’s what pirates do, matey.
~ Is Colton trying to get into acting with this pirate monologue?
~ “Welcome to my pirate ship.” So cheesy.
~ They will be learning how to be pirates and at the end, two will be competing for “Colton’s heart”.
~ Demi just made another pirate pun. I wish more contestants were quick-witted.
~ The first competition is jousting with giant Q-Tips.
~ Hannah is a beast with the Q-Tip, but her eyepatch isn’t covering her eye, so this might be cheating.
~ “I didn’t come here to compete in another pageant.” – Hannah
~ Oh, Hannah. So innocent. So unaware.
~ Tracy and Caelynn are the final two competitors, as Hannah slides on her eyepatch to “pretend I can’t see it”.
~ From what I understand about eyepatches, when you put it on, you don’t need to pretend that you can’t see…
~ The final battle to save Captain Colton is on and…did Demi just throw a chicken leg on stage? I hope she never gets sent home. Please stay forever.
~ Caelynn “rescues Colton” and Hannah is bitter. Better get a second eyepatch.
~ We are going to have so much pageant drama.
~ The night portion of the date is taking place at “Big Daddy’s”.
~ Katie and Colton like each other, and not just because they’re in a default relationship.
~ Tracy and Demi bicker on the couch about something. Demi keeps calling her an older woman. She’s 31.
~ Demi honestly drives me crazy.
~ OMG she just did a little dig at the older contestants. Like stop, they are way more mature than you are, Demi.
~ I’m dying, I can’t.
~ She just said, “Cougar Den.”
~ Her laugh is so annoying.
~ “I had a good time, I didn’t think I was going to have a good time.” – Courtney, subtly telling Colton that she hated the pirate date.
~ Demi breaks up their conversation and puts a blindfold on Colton.
~ Tuned into The Bachelor and a deleted scene from Bird Box broke out.
~ How drunk is Demi right now?
~ Courtney goes back to the couch and complains about Demi.
~ Demi returns and Courtney pulls her aside to tell her, “your delivery is a little different than you like it to be.”
~ I love when these women confront each other, but try to be civil and say things as if it’s a public statement. It’s The Bachelor. You’re sharing a boyfriend. No need to act like you’re in a courtroom, yet.
~ Demi just said she was “untouchable”. I can’t.
~ Back at the house, the next date card arrives.
~ Elyse is going on the one-on-one, that is soo cute!
~ Caelynn is off having a good time with Colton, while we’re fed camera shots of Hannah constantly turning her head to look in their direction. It’s probably just a replay of the same footage.
~ His guard comes down with Caelynn…
~ She’s so much of what he is looking for.
~ Now we have Hannah in the background talking about how Caelynn is fake.
~ Hannah sits down with Colton and says her and Caelynn used to be friends but there was a fallout. She’s having problems explaining it, just like she had problems making a toast last week.
~ “If that’s what you want, then you don’t want me.”
~ Colton is stress the f*** out.
~ We still have no idea what the beef is between these two.
~ Clearly he likes both pageant girls. I called it.
~ Colton and Hannah awkwardly kiss because they felt they had to?
~ That was one of those, “I’m mad at you, but we’re in public” kisses.
~ Colton now talks to Caelynn about what Hannah said.
~ “We handle competition differently. I get really quiet.”
~ We’re getting no answers. Maybe this show should be in a courtroom.
~ Colton is giving Caelynn the group date rose which is a big line in the pageant drama sand.
~ Like, oh shit. Hannah’s plan backfired.
~ My Mom: “What the heck is going on?”
~ Hannah doesn’t understand why he likes Caelynn.
~ Well, Hannah, in youth we learn; in age we understand. And in Reality TV, we watch the footage three months later, when it airs, to get answers.
~ It’s time for Elyse’s date. They’re getting in a helicopter because every season of The Bachelor needs a helicopter date by the end of episode 3.
~ Elyse is super adorable. Whoa, fly me to San Diego, ABC.
~ They’re at a Carnival and he tells her, SURPRISE!
~ Colton throwing the, “this is now a group date” bomb.
~ Joining them is a bunch of children, who are hospitalized. Sometimes this show does good things. Those kids haven’t stopped smiling.
~ Colton and Elyse with these kids are melting my heart.
~ The little girls are fighting over Colton’s hand.
~ The light girl’s advice for Colton, “Get her cotton candy”. Do it, listen to the kids.
~ I’m dead, she’s already had her first kiss and didn’t like it. At least she learned that early.
~ He got Elyse a massive teddy bear instead of cotton candy.
~ Ironically, I just ate a tub of ice cream.
~ Of course he gives the date with kids to the oldest one in the house (not saying this in a bad way), she’s the most mature and clearly more ready to start a family than the youngins.
~ It’s time for dinner, which means they won’t eat anything.
~ LOOK AT THAT PLACE.
~ Another meal goes untouched and to waste on The Bachelor.
~ Can we just have one segment where they sit in silence, eating their food? I need to write about how they hold cutlery. Thanks.
~ Elyse has a kid’s charity, too. Omg they are meant to be.
~ Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin are on the next group date.
~ Hannah G. isn’t going on a date. I don’t think she has anything to worry about, though.
~ We finally got a glimpse of our fellow Canadian gal.
~ Elyse gets a rose on her date.
~ Colton now takes her to a Tenille Arts (who?) concert where a bunch of people with phones, film them dancing.
~ Take a picture, your phone battery with last longer.
~ Of course we have a random crowd and a band. Slow dancing.
~ Anyone know who this singer is? (You’re supposed to know because I never do! That’s the deal here.)
~ On to the group date. – Bill Belichick
~ Colton has a CrossFit-esque date planned to help him find a strong woman.
~ Colton is shirtless and working out. I don’t think this will ever get old.
~ Bring those guns out.
~ Ladies, he is sweaty, he doesn’t look good right now.
~ I mean he doesn’t, but that bod is wow.
Paul here, just wondering what my blog has become.
~ Terry and Rebecca Crews (his “friends”) are joining them. I was getting worried we’d go a whole episode without any celebrity chaperones.
~ Terry talking about his wife – I love it.
~ Sydney has him stretch out her hamstrings.
~ “Colton is not a stretching virgin anymore.”
~ A crowd has gathered outside to watch the first ever, Bachelor Strongest Woman competition!
~ I love competitions.
~ Chris Harrison has been brought out of the freezer to provide commentary from a desk with Fred Willard.
~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch: Rolled DOWN
~ The first obstacle is a cake push. I’d explain this further but I’d rather not.
~ Nicole is the designated weak person of the bunch.
~ It’s time to flip a tire, but it’s painted gold and they’re calling it “Ring Toss”.
~ Hold the
phone bouquet. This is not the ring toss that I participated in at my 5th birthday party, which was filmed for a straight to VHS release.
~ It’s time for a limo pull. Tayshia can’t move it an inch.
~ Caitlin FROM CANADA gets the limo moving. Built Ford Tough.
~ There’s a final challenge and Onyeka wins. They stand in the sunroof of the limo and kiss, as Colton’s other girlfriends pull the vehicle.
~ Me and my Mom just had a chat about how these girls are clearly delusional. Homegirl, he is not your boyfriend.
~ My Mom: “Pick me, pick me. I want the rose. Good Lord, help these girls.”
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and what is this? Another couch for them to sit on, while he talks to each of them individually? Say it ain’t so!
~ In the last two televised minutes, he’s kissed Tayshia and Nicole.
~ He, literally, has kissed so many of the girls.
~ Now he is sharing wedding cake with Onyeka.
~ Colton really likes Cassie.
~ I swear, he says “he can be himself” or “he and (insert name) have great chemistry” so often.
~ Caitlin is “a little behind” the other girls. It’s Episode 3. Give Canada a chance. Our government isn’t shut down
and we’ll give you hypothermia!
~ Caitlin doesn’t know what to open up about, other than her “life has been good.”
~ TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND UPBRINGING. CANADA IS RELYNG ON YOU.
~ UGH, send Toronto Caitlin home.
~ Colton is telling the camera that their conversation wasn’t the best and he didn’t feel it.
~ This is so painful to watch.
~ He ends their conversation by saying, “I don’t think that you are for me.”
~ Oh shit, he actually did.
~ She’s going home, wearing red and white. O Canada.
~ At least he’s honest. But since she’s Canadian, he’ll have to apologize about seven times and then send her a text later that says, “Sorry again”.
~ Bachelor Canada is 73% apologies.
~ At least he waited until the car drove away before he went inside.
~ Nicole gets the group date rose.
~ Holy cow, how did Nicole just get the rose?
~ Back from commercial and all the girls are starting to realize they can be sent home at any time.
~ Christopher P. Harrison walks in and directs the narrative: “You were all having fun last night until Caitlin went home. Was that a surprise?”
~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch: Rolled UP
~ He hasn’t shaved in four days. The poor man is overworked. This is his third appearance tonight and it’s not even the rose ceremony yet.
~ There will be no cocktail party tonight – gotta manage that alcohol budget – but there will be a pool party all day!
~ Get out the pool noodles and water wings, in case anyone gets hungry!
~ Conspiracy Theory: They told Colton to pick a sacrificial lamb to send home on the date, so they had an excuse to “lighten the mood” and have a pool party.
~ “I’m done with Caelynn. I’m not doing this anymore.” – Hannah B. tells Heather
~ Cut to footage of Caelynn and Colton walking around the corner and passing a stewing Hannah! Somebody, give that editor a raise.
~ Heather tells Hannah that Caelynn is probably saying mean things about her.
~ Omg Heather is a little instigator.
~ Hannah says there’s a “beautiful monster” inside of her and she might have to let it out.
~ Hannah does a lengthy Vampire hiss, like a Scooby-Doo villain, as we head to commercial. That’ll be a GIF.
~ Hannah growling was a little much.
~ Caelynn tells Colton that Hannah has been directing some not so kind behaviour toward her. BUT WHAT IS THAT BEHAVIOUR?
~ What kind of waterproof foundation is Caelynn wearing, I need me some of that!
~ Colton is confused because he hasn’t seen that side of Hannah, so he goes to talk to her and says her character has come into question.
~ They should have left Colton out of this mess.
~ “Manipulative, toxic, and deceitful.” – Colton
~ The word “deceitful” has been thrown around so much tonight.
~ “Those are lies and just not true.” – Hannah
~ Well, by definition, a lie is something that is not true. Therefore, that rebuttal was redundant.
~ “Just freakin’ trust me.” – Hannah
~ Colton runs off to seek refuge with producers.
~ Chris comes out of nowhere for the free therapy session.
~ “Son, tell me what troubles you.” – I made this up, but Chris should’ve said it.
~ For those of you looking for a Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch, the camera never panned down low enough for me to know. I’m assuming they were rolled up, however.
~ Time for the Rose Ceremony! Hallelujah!
~ I actually love all these dresses tonight.
~ Hannah G. didn’t get a date, but gets a rose.
~ Tayshia couldn’t pull a limo, but gets a rose.
~ Katie has a great smile and gets a rose.
~ Classy Cassie gets a rose.
~ Kirpa doesn’t get much screen time, if any, but gets a rose.
~ Sydney’s hamstrings are no longer tight, and she gets a rose.
~ Demi is “ecstatic” to accept a rose.
~ Tracy from the Cougar Den, gets a rose. Hear her roar.
~ Courtney gets a rose, as we cut to Hannah telling us that Caelynn is a snake. Caelynn didn’t start this war! Leave her alone.
~ Next week on The Bachelor is a tag team match. It’ll be Caelynn and Tracy taking on Hannah B. and Demi.
~ Heather – Hannah’s sounding board all episode – gets a rose.
~ The strongest woman, Onyeka, gets a rose. Next week, she’ll induct someone into the Hall of Pain.
~ Hannah B. gets the last rose. I typed this before he handed it out.
~ Not even surprised Hannah got the last rose.
~ At least we’ll have pageant drama for a while, or at least another week.
~ The build to the 2-on-1 date in the middle of nowhere, shall continue.
~ Not getting a rose are: Bri, Nina, and Catherine.
~ Does this mean Colton didn’t like the fact that Catherine brought her dog for Chris Harrison to look after on the first night, and he had to wait until now to send her home so it wouldn’t be obvious???
~ They’re going to Singapore next week. If they don’t go to the Singapore Grand Prix, what’s the point?
It’s over. We made it.
Special thanks to Cass’ Mom for the cameo tonight!
We’ll see you all again next Tuesday. Until then, stay golden, like a painted tire at a strongest woman competition.