Breathe it in, kids. Can you smell it? Ah, yes. Nothing like the smell of a wet driveway. As in the wet driveway at the Bachelor mansion, where single people go to be on TV and grow their personal brand, and maybe get proposed to, but rarely get married.
It just clears the sinuses right up.
The Bachelor is a dating show going on its 23rd season where one man dates thirty women at the same time, while millions of people watch from home. It’s very intrusive and not normal, but we can’t stop watching.
For the last few years, I’ve been doing recaps of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in the form of Viewing Notes, which is my way of doing play-by-play of all the action.
Last season, my friend Cass joined me in providing thoughts on each episode, to help create what is the best Bachelor recap on the internet.
Our determination to be seriously unserious, while providing different reactions to the same thing, is what separates us from the pack. I am happy to say she is joining me again this season!
To tell us apart, Cass’ thoughts will be in bold.
Guess who’s back, back again. Cass is back, friends!
I am so honoured to be back here, joining my buddy Paul, on his Monday Bachelor recaps. We are about to waste the next three hours (and the next few Monday Nights) to bring you the best recap you’ll read (Trying to be the most dramatic right now).
Well I got my popcorn and my tea, let’s get this over with!
~ Chris Harrison greets us outside The Fonda Theatre in Los Angeles, as a bunch of women and five men galavant behind him.
~ They’ll be checking in on viewing parties around the country. I do not care.
~ Not only do we have one viewing party, Chris needed to have four…
~ Nice to see Chris has his “first day of school” haircut. Did he get a new pair of shoes at Kiddie Kobbler, too? (That was an exclusively Canadian joke).
~ Former Bachelorettes, Kaitlyn and Jojo, are tonight’s Dallas correspondents.
~ Annnnnd let’s check in on Cass freaking out about this in 3…2…1…
~ There’s one in Dallas…I was literally there yesterday, I would have stayed an extra day to go to that…
~ I just wanna be friends with Jojo & Kaitlyn.
~ Jason and Blake in Michigan. Sounds like a morning show that has an over-dressed live studio audience at 7am.
~ Still bitter the bachelor wasn’t Blake, but we don’t need to bring that up.
~ Oh look, Chris’ mom is on TV embarrassing him, now this is good TV.
~ Out back in a hot tub in the parking lot are former contestants, Chris and Krystal. Their couple name is Krystal.
~ STOP CALLING CHRIS, “GOOSE”.
~ Chris & Krystal are actually so lame. I have no words.
~ Oh, Neil Lane is there as a nice reminder that only one bachelor in twenty-two seasons has gotten married to their final pick.
~ The Bachelor would not be The Bachelor without Neil Lane and vice versa. Just saying.
~ No Chris, we don’t want to give your post more likes…just give us the gossip.
~ These viewing party check-ins are fifteen Sundays past their best before date.
~ I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FANDOM.
~ The bachelor this season is a guy named, Colton. He was chosen because he’s a virgin and the producers will be able to use that to drive storylines and create awkward viral video clips. There, now we never have to talk about it again.
~ Colton is 26, likes dogs, has his own charity which supports people living with cystic fibrosis, and is a former football player who never seemed to make it further than an NFL practice squad.
~ We’re finally meeting some women in pre-made video packages.
~ So, we have Cassie.
~ Cassie is a Speech Pathologist from Huntington Beach. She’s colouring pictures with a little girl. How wholesome.
~ Next up is Miss Alabama 2018 – Hannah B. Shouldn’t she be watching tonight’s football game?
~ I think we have a front-runner here.
~ “I am a total train wreck.” “The hot mess express…and I’m the conductor.”
~ Thomas the Tank Engine is NOT the bachelor, Hannah.
~ Guys seem to lean towards the crazies.
~ Now we’re meeting Katie – a dancer from California. She wants love like her parents.
~ Heather is also from California. She met Colton at his charity event for “15 seconds” but took a photo with him and got it framed.
~ “Yes, hi. Welcome to my home. This is a framed photo of me and someone who won’t remember ever posing for this photo.”
~ I don’t know if it’s just me (it’s not) or what, but Hannah kissing that picture of her & Colton was pretty weird.
~ Just no.
~ No wonder she hasn’t been kissed. That was mean – sorry.
~ Onyeka is from Dallas and is not afraid to embarrass herself. Well, she’s on the right show.
~ Nicole is from Miami and is not about “hookup culture”.
~ Kirpa is a dental hygienist from California. She wants to clean his teeth. She also makes Caesar Salad with her mom.
~ “I really hope Colton flosses.” – Oh my God, no.
~ Demi doesn’t mind getting her hands dirty, as she rides a skateboard so her feet don’t touch the filthy ground.
~ Demi is a self-proclaimed, “confetti cake”.
~ So is it just me, or is Demi gonna be the Tia of this show?
~ I don’t know, I think Tia is more of a lava cake. (What am I saying?)
~ I can see her just milking the whole “I’m southern” thing way too hard.
~ Demi is on the phone. With her mom. Who is in jail.
~ Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phone (bad joke, I know).
~ Demi’s momma is in prison, didn’t see that coming.
~ Oh, we are back in viewing party check-in hell, now. Make it stop!
~ Hey ABC, I’m a huge Blake fan, can you send him to my door in Toronto? Thanks.
~ Now we get a montage of Colton showering outside.
~ Look at how that water flows down Colton’s washed-up athlete body.
~ Why does every bachelor on this show need less than 7% body fat?
~ “I was always the fat, chunky, weird kid.” – Colton
~ I don’t like when this show has an immediate response to my quips. Paul is sad.
~ This lisp is going to kill me.
~ Do we count how many times they say “virgin” on this show? (No. I can’t count that high.)
~ Colton is a, “Football is life” kinda guy.
~ Now we’re going through the annual, “I was heartbroken by the bachelorette, so now I’m exploring nature with a few dogs, throwing rocks in a lake, and wearing sponsored clothing around dirt and wild life” part of every premiere.
~ Totally thought they were gonna say he was in love with Tia, but they showed Becca…
~ Do you think Colton had a slight PTSD flashback being at the mansion?
~ Hey! It’s time to check-in on all the children this show has spawned!
~ Oh my Lord, all these bachelor babies.
~ At least there are some success stories.
~ Go away Arie and Lauren.
~ Krystal and the Goose are gonna be prunes after this.
~ That was a savage joke Kaitlyn, savage.
~ Oh, hi! Paul here. You may remember me from such blogs as this one. Can you tell I fast-forwarded through this part? Cass is clutch right now.
~ Oh look, a proposal at the viewing party.
~ How predictable.
~ Nick looks like such a tool.
~ YES! Wells came through with the Tia reference!
~ It’s finally time for the women to arrive!
~ We better see Colton in some funky suits this season.
~ The limos pulling up to Harrison Manor is a Top 5 TV moment of this century.
~ First out of the limo is Demi in a banana yellow dress.
~ Be right back, searching the cupboards for banana pudding.
~ Jesus, after Demi’s intro I’m not even ready for this.
~ Tayshia is out next. She’s not over the top, seems genuine, and doesn’t know a lot about him. Does she think she’s on Wheel of Fortune?
~ Heather – the girl with a framed photo of herself and Colton – is out next.
~ Nicole talks to him in Spanish and he likes it.
~ Here comes Miss North Carolina – Caelynn. She says she’s here for a different title and reveals the other side of her sash which says, Mrs. Underwood.
~ Carrie is on line one, citing a copyright claim.
~ Sydney is out next. She’s an NBA dancer, but quit her job to be here.
~ Has the person who quits their job to come on the show, ever been chosen in the end? I feel like the conversion rate is 0.0%
~ Elyse is so nervous, even on the surface she doesn’t look calm and ready.
~ Tahzjuan hopes she’s “the tahz juan for you”. GET IT? SHE MADE A PUNNY.
~ Cassie is out next with a box of pastries? Birthday cards? Frogs? Ohh it’s a box of fake butterflies, but her “feelings are real”. Ohhh she said the F word.
~ Kirpa is from Whittier, CA. Does that make her wittier than him? Thank you, thank you. I’m here all night. Try the garlic shrimp.
~ Caitlin from Toronto! Yes! The hometown hero! Cool, she brought him a balloon! Oh, it’s a cherry-shaped balloon. Oh no. Don’t do it. Don’t. Ah, she popped it. Show’s over. Let’s go home.
~ Caitlin from Toronto gave us a bad name.
~ Like, do not “pop a cherry ballon”. So bad.
~ Courtney brings him a sweet Georgia peach.
~ Katie plays a “card game” with him.
~ Out next is a girl in a sloth costume because Colton likes to take things slow.
~ And we have a costume, finally.
~ Girl, you could have picked anything, and you went with a damn sloth…
~ This sloth person is walking and talking in slow motion. I can’t do this. I’ve paused it to pace around the family room.
~ TALK FASTER.
~ Onyeka sounds out her name for him.
~ Erika brings him a bag of nuts because her last name is Mcnutt. Kirpa from Whittier could learn a thing or two from Erika.
~ Hannah B. pulls up and is like, “Guess where I’m from.” Colton’s heart stopped. I’m dead.
~ Hannah B. is Miss Alabama and isn’t wearing her sash! How is she supposed to have a turf war with Miss North Carolina without a sash?
~ Ohhh they actually know each other and there may be hostility! I sniffed that out so fast.
~ There must be some bad blood between Miss Alabama and Miss North Carolina.
~ Tracy drives a cop car up to the mansion and calls herself the fashion police.
~ “Thank God the fashion police are here, I’ve never seen so many sequins in one place.”
~ Angelique leaves glitter all over him. What is the purpose of glitter?
~ Devin comes out of the car and hugs him. That’s all they showed.
~ Revian speaks Mandarin.
~ Nina speaks Croatian.
~ Alex B. from Vancouver comes out with cue cards and says nothing? Come on, Canada!
~ Bri comes out with an Australian accent, except she’s not Australian. Yes, start your relationship with a lie.
~ BRI WITH THE FAKE ACCENT.
~ Laura and Heather are wearing the same red dress. They bond over it.
~ Hannah G. comes out with a box of his favourite underwear! Annnnnd the box is empty because he doesn’t wear underwear. I’m staring off in the distance as I type this.
~ Annie knows how many points you get for a touchdown.
~ Jane brings a framed photo of Colton’s dog photoshopped next to her dog. Oh! She can be friends with the girl who has a framed photo of herself and Colton. Friendship Goals, or something! Probably the latter.
~ Here comes Catherine with a dog, who she introduces as her 10-year-old daughter, Lucy.
~ Hey, the children segment was 45 minutes ago. You’re late.
~ Catherine is totally gonna be the Krystal of this season.
~ Did she just give him her dog….
~ She gives Colton her dog to keep. “Negligent parent” is a new first impression. Hostess with the mostest time on his hands, Chris Harrison, comes in to dog-sit.
~ We have a horse and carriage.
~ Erin’s occupation is Cinderella.
~ Erin even left her shoe, Jesus.
~ I’m dead, “We might have to use that cop car later.”
~ “All the women have arrived.” Wait, what? I don’t think I have a favourite yet.
~ We are back to doing viewing party check-ins because?
~ ANOTHER PROPOSAL.
~ “Colton, the house is now yours.”
~ Colton has entered Harrison Manor.
~ It’s not actually called Harrison Manor, but if you don’t like it, you can write your own recap, devoid of any humour to help get you through three hours.
~ Colton makes a toast and Demi in the banana yellow dress pulls him away immediately.
~ Go away, Demi.
~ Erika pulls him aside and he doesn’t remember her name. “I am Mcnutt!”
~ We’re now getting rapid fire snippets of different conversations. DO NOT TELL ME WE ARE THAT TIGHT FOR TIME. IT’S A 73-HOUR LONG EPISODE.
~ Colton has Hannah G. take three deep breaths and her heart rate magically slows. I think mine stopped.
~ First kiss of the night goes to Miss North Carolina – Caelynn.
~ Well, one of the pageant gals was the first one to be kissed, am I surprised? NOT AT ALL.
~ Calling it now: Miss North Carolina vs. Miss Alabama will be a future 2-on-1 date.
~ Chris comes in with the first impression rose and everyone freezes.
~ Christopher B. Harrison makes a quick exit so he can get back to his nap in a closet.
~ Dance lessons in The Bachelor mansion, who would have thought?
~ Fishing in the backyard pool of The Bachelor mansion, who would have thought?
~ Catherine, our villain of the season, is a DJ. That is all.
~ THE SLOTH IS STILL SLOTHING.
~ THE SLOTH IS IN THE TREE.
~ Suzette the sloth…come on.
~ She’s taken her head off! The gimmick is over! Her name is Alex D.
~ Alright, now that she’s talking like a normal person, I kinda like her.
All Most is forgiven.
~ Alex says she loves a lot, I can’t keep up.
~ Chris H. is walking the dog in the front yard. No, I’m not talking about the yo-yo trick.
~ Chris walking Lucy is the best part of this whole first night.
~ Catherine was cast in the role of, “Person who breaks up conversations in the name of ‘going for what they want'”.
~ This girl is trying to have a nice colouring session with Colton and Catherine is like, PLAY TIME IS OVER, JUNIOR.
~ And now Onyeka interrupts Catherine’s time, using a snorkel and whistle. PLAY TIME IS NOT OVER!
~ “Colton, I heard you were drowning in some bit**es.” OMG OMG OMG she just said that.
~ Catherine is back for her third conversation.
~ Onyeka pulls Catherine aside to confront her and remind her of the unwritten rules of the show.
~ They talk about having haters.
~ If you’re still using the word “haters”, are you really ready to get married?
~ The girls are getting feisty, already.
~ CATHERINE IS BACK FOR A FOURTH TIME.
~ Back in the studio, Chris asks the audience what they think of Catherine so far. They boo. Not sure you want your host being the one helping pour the fuel…
~ Stop. Please stop showing Krystal and Goose in the hot tub.
~ Why am I now calling him Goose? Stop Cass, stop.
~ “My husband gave me a pass for the evening, in case Ben shows up.”
~ Cassie teaches Colton some sign language. I like her.
~ Colton kisses Katie. I like her, too.
~ The serious contenders don’t have sound effects over their conversations.
~ Someone just had a chat with Colton about his biggest fear, and then they made a “real talk” hand shake. I don’t know her name.
~ Erin’s wearing one shoe, she needs her shoe back, Colton.
~ OMG he grabbed the rose.
~ Hannah G. is getting the first impression rose. You may remember her from the time she brought him an empty box and said his underwear was in it.
~ She’s the third one he’s kissed tonight.
~ Miss Alabama sipping her tea, is me.
~ He just said Hannah G. reminds him of home.
~ I repeat, he just said Hannah G. reminds him of home.
~ Hannah G. gives off the “I plan on being a trophy wife” vibe.
~ Chris H. comes in from his dog-walking duties and breaks up the party. He looks dog tired. GET IT?
~ Before we get to the Rose Ceremony, back in the studio via satellite is Mama Harrison introducing a Chris Harrison tribute video!
~ THERE IS ONLY ONE CHRIS!
~ Just imagine being friends with Jojo and Kaitlyn.
~ The images in this tribute video are set to, In The Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan. Oh, wait. They aren’t?
~ “This is the final rose tonight.”
~ Chris has not aged since 2002, which is proof they keep him in a freezer when every season ends.
~ What was this for? Is he retiring? He’s not saying that he is. So it must be to fill time?
~ YOU COULD’VE SKIPPED THIS AND SHOWN MORE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN COLTON AND THE WOMEN.
~ This is the best tribute video ever.
~ It’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony.
~ Colton’s speech to the women is, “You all look so beautiful.” Every other bachelor in history goes on a tangent. They must’ve told him to keep it short because they have a Chris Harrison tribute video to fit in. Unreal.
~ Miss North Carolina – Caelynn – gets the first rose.
~ Katie gets a rose, obviously.
~ Heather, we get it, you want a damn rose.
~ Alex B. from Vancouver gets a rose.
~ Hannah B. gets the fourth rose.
~ Onyeka gets a rose, but she has to return her snorkel and whistle.
~ Caitlin from Toronto gets a rose and both the Canadians are still alive.
~ I’m putting Caitlin and Alex B. in a Canadian tag team called, Celsius, because they bring the heat….who lets me write this stuff?
~ Annie gets a rose.
~ Kirpa gets a rose.
~ Heather gets a rose and Colton still doesn’t know she has a framed picture of them.
~ Elyse gets a rose.
~ Tayshia receives a rose.
~ Courtney accepts a rose.
~ Cassie accepts her rose using sign language.
~ Demi in the banana yellow dress accepts the rose and there is still no banana pudding anywhere to be found in my house. This has to change.
~ Nina, who speaks Croatian, gets a rose.
~ Erika Mcnutt gets a Mcrose.
~ Sydney gets a rose. Maybe quitting her job will work out for her.
~ Bri gets a rose.
~ Angelique gets a rose.
~ Tracy gets a rose.
~ Nicole gets a rose.
~ Nicole was literally sweating.
~ There is one rose remaining.
~ I’ll bet you an empty box of underwear that Catherine gets the final rose. And, she does.
~ Of course Catherine is staying.
~ Among those leaving tonight are: Tahjzuan, Erin (Cinderella), and Devin.
~ The women are going outside and it’s morning. They always film the first episode from about 8pm to 7am.
~ My favourites after the first episode are, in no specific order: Katie, Hannah G., Alex D. (post-sloth phase), Cassie, and Caelynn.
~ Ouu this season is literally going to be drama-filled, I am all for it.
~ I just can’t wait to watch Colton jump that fence (there was a preview of Colton jumping a fence and disappearing into the night), I need to know how this happened!
Well, that’s a wrap on the season premiere. Thanks again for including me, Paul! Maybe if I’m lucky (and don’t get the boot after night one) you’ll all hear from me again soon. No pressure, Paul.
Thanks for your help, Cass!
Be sure to check out Cass’ Top 5 women so far, by clicking HERE.
As for me, I feel like I need a vacation to the inside of a pillow. This episode was gnarly.
See you all again next week!
What did you think of the show? Let us know below.