Pets and Paul

Are you a dog or cat person?

It’s a question as old as questions.

By the way, this blog post was inspired by Angela’s post about animals which started with the line, “I’m not an animal lover.” So if you don’t like this post, blame her! Don’t actually…

Double by the way, I’m putting this post under the Humour category. Please take it as such.

Oh no, two warnings in italics. I never do that. That’s how you know someone’s about to be offended.

So, Paul…

Yeah, I’m going to be referring to myself in the third person. Didn’t you read the title?

Paul, are you a dog or cat person?

No. I am not.

You were probably expecting me to pick one or the other, but this is 2017 and I’m tired of pretending to choose dogs over cats every time because that’s the popular vote.

I’m neither.

From afar and through pictures, I can respect and appreciate both dogs and cats. Up close, though, I want nothing to do with them. I don’t know what to do with them.

Paul, you pet them!

Ok. No one has ever taught me how to pet a dog. You know how many rules I’ve heard over the years? Don’t pet there. Pet here. 

I have so many useless sports stats in my head, I don’t have space to remember where to pet a puppy.

Poor excuse, I know. Should I practise petting a milk bag first, before petting a dog?

Sorry, that milk bag reference was for the Canadians reading this.

Alright, jokes aside, I don’t really care to touch dogs. I don’t see the allure of going face to face with it and rubbing noses as if we just got engaged.

That’s what people who just got engaged do, right? (Or are their engagement photos, which have been taken by a friend hiding in a bush, a lie?) They rub noses and wish for money to pay for their wedding?

I’ve had dogs lick my legs. What does that even mean?

If I went up to a dog and licked its leg, how would they react? Exactly. They wouldn’t know what to do. They’d be like, “What is he doing and where can I get a towel to wipe off the warm slobber he just spread on me?”

I’m just not comfortable around dogs. I don’t know what to do with them because 105% of the time I just hope they go away.

I don’t like apologizing for possibly offending people, BUT no offence to dog owners, you’re all lovely, I’m sure.

I’m very respectful of people who own dogs. Just ask Meghan how many dog related pictures and tweets I send her. Tell ’em Meghan!

Meghan….?

If I’m sitting watching TV, I don’t want a dog there with me. I rarely want a human there with me.

Also, I’m always worried that a dog is going to think I’m a toilet.

But Paul, they’re trained!

Okay, that’s something a person like me doesn’t really think about. I see a dog walking around the house without pants on and I think something can come out at any minute.

Always stay in front of its face, Paul.

I’m ignorant. I’ll admit it.

From afar though, dogs look majestic. In pictures and GIFs, dare I say they look downright cuddly.

Aside: I’m a big fan of the work of Scooby-Doo, Wishbone, and Air Bud.

But in person, I just want the experience to end.

I’ve written about dogs before and how they don’t like me. That blog post included the story of 1. Almost being attacked by a dog, and 2. Being chased by a three-legged dog.

You can read that horror-filled blog post RIGHT HERE.

As for cats, I don’t even know what to say.

I’m just not a pet person, sorry.

Even a goldfish. That sounds like Level 1 in the pet owning department.

I wouldn’t want a goldfish. For what? Companionship? It can’t even hug me!

Plus, it would be in a bowl all day just doing laps back and forth, while I stare at it wondering if I’ve given it too much food. What’s it training for? The Fishympics?

Also, do fish sleep? I’d probably set up a video camera to see if it rests it’s head on a pillow at night.

Double also, I’d whip out a stopwatch and time just how long their attention span really is.

As for other pets, what would I get? A bird?

I had a bird in my basement once. It came in through a vent, or something. It found its way back out, but for the short time that it was here, I named it Compass. Why? Because it had no sense of direction.

I’m creative.

I used to say that I wanted a pet chimpanzee, mainly because I think I could train it to be exactly like me, so then it’s like I don’t have a pet, but a younger brother who just so happens to never shave.

I can name him Harry. He could be a wizard.

It would be perfect. Chimps are a riot. Have you ever seen the YouTube video of a chimpanzee riding a segway?

Dogs don’t ride segways. Boom. Checkmate.

I don’t love animals, I’m sorry. I wish them the best and that people treat them well, but I just would rather be kept away from them.

*Insert story of going to the zoo for a Grade 9 french class field trip and wondering, 1. When is lunch? 2. What is that smell? 3. Camels can’t jump over short fences, RIGHT?*

I don’t even like walking by dogs on the sidewalk. I don’t like hearing them bark at me in the distance, either. I always assume they’re barking at me.

I’m petrified they’ll kill me, more or less.

Well, that’s it. I hope I offended all pet lovers equally, so no one can be mad at me in the comments section.

To summarize, keep your pets away from me. I don’t care about them. I’m not an animal person. I like animal crackers, if that counts for anything.

There was one dog I liked in person, even though I always felt awkward around it. It was PJ.

If you don’t know who PJ is, that line wasn’t meant for you.

Alright, goodbye.

Oh! One last thing.

For all the, “If you’re not a dog person, then I’m not a you person” people out there, I have one question for you:

Why do you have to be so snarky?

You can bark at me on Twitter @CappyTalks 

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Pets and Paul

  1. Hey spicy-loving, Game of Thrones Watching Bud! I think we’re twins. But from other parents, from different countries. And unshared DNA. I. HATE. ANIMALS. and I’ve owned just about every animal you can name (except a Camel because they DO jump over fences and I don’t have time for that kind of fuckery) and I FAIL miserably every single time. People place BETS on me like ::insert laugh with a snort:: “Hey guys, Ely got a puppy again. I give it 11 days, 50 bucks.” and then everyone is betting on my failures. And CATS!? Devious, evil little fur things that think they’re smarter than us humans (and they ARE BUT WE CAN NOT LET THEM KNOW THIS!) and they hold the secrets of the Universe in their eyes and just…SAY NO to the pussies of the world.
    Ya know. The furry ones. (Pun-accomplished) and I apologize. (?)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Phew. I was worried the first comment I’d get would be something along the lines of, “Listen here, sir. Dogs are magnificent. Here are 14 reasons why…”
      So wait, why do you go through pets so quickly…or is that something I shouldn’t ask lol. Cats know everything, it’s why they sit at the top of the stairs and not the bottom.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Let’s just say, the last kitty that forced itself into my home (it was not my choice! We did NOT understand one another but just my luck my daughter is the Mother Theresa/Ace Ventura of animals. And said Kitty? Was BLACK. It may as well have come with a ladder, a broken mirror, and every crack on every sidewalk in the world you could ever step on) and it ended up committing suicide in my pool. And cats hate water. (Right?) And then followed the story of “the animal is sick in the vet” so as to NOT traumatize the young ones. That’s just ONE instance. Sigh.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Ohhhh man maybe I shouldn’t have asked. I’m petty sure cats don’t like water but I could be wrong. Now I’m just imagining what the rest of your pets have done.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. janeybgood says:

    My two dogs and two cats are narrowing their eyes in your general direction. I get this though, each to their own. If we ever get into a heated argument, I’ll just throw cats at you.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Angela says:

    Haha! This made me laugh out loud!
    I’m imagining you with Harry telling people he is your ‘brother’
    My friends kids call their cat their brother, it really bothers me!!… more than it should… I mean it shouldn’t bother me at all, but it does!
    You also reminded me of a zoo trip in year 3 where an elephant put its trunk through the fence and stole a boy in my class lunch box it was hilarious, he was crying and my teacher was jumping up trying to get it back!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      They call their cat their brother?? That’s a bit much. I’d be bothered too. At least with a chimp it would walk around and have the same sort of mannerisms as me.
      Hahaha that zoo story sounds straight out of a movie. That boy has a story to tell for the rest of his life.

      Like

  4. oyolacave says:

    OMG Paul… You’re a complicated man… But from your post it seems you hate dogs more than cats… You don’t see it but you’re more of a cat person 😂😂😂 lol…

    Check out my latest blog posts at oyolacave.wordpress.com

    Liked by 2 people

  5. MagLyM says:

    I’ve been telling my 13 year old Boston Terrier to just go into the light. He’s lived a good life. It’s time. He just looks stupid at me, throws up his water, then leaves to chase bunnies and murder baby robins. He will probably out live us all.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Dutch Lion says:

    Thanks Paul! Thanks for putting into words what I’d like to say but feel like I can’t. I hate dogs. I hate cats. They are animals. Pets? I don’t get the whole thing. Why do humans think they can own pets? On the OTHER HAND, pet dogs are pulling the biggest scam in human history! Think about it from the dogs perspective…..”This human person not only gives me shelter and food for free…….HE/SHE CLEANS UP MY CRAP!!!! HAHA.”

    LOL! WHAT is wrong with humans?!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Haha I never thought about it like that. Dogs are free loaders. They are basically another child in the house but they never grown up and become independent. What a scam! LOL

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dutch Lion says:

        Free loaders!!!!! Grown ups that live with their parents…..exactly! They are free loaders……and the parents are walking their kids down to block to poop on their neighbors yards, then they put on a glove (hopefully) and pick up their kids pooop (hopefully!). Free loaders in the extreme!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        They basically say to the dog, “Alright Fido. We will take care of you for your entire life, but there’s one condition. You can’t use the toilet in the house.” Incredible.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Quinn says:

    I mean… fair fucks to you, you definitely gave them all equal billing! Definitely do NOT get a parrot since they live to be about 150, so it will outlive you, and then probably shriek obcenities at your grave until its time (FINALLY) comes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      If I got a parrot, I’d have to name it Polly and then people would call me Polly and it would just be a total disaster. And I’d want to smack it a million times a day.

      Like

  8. Aarti says:

    It was so much categorical, hilarious and put across with perfect salt & pepper.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Kristen Moreno says:

    I love reading your posts, they usually give me a good laugh, including this one. Out loud too, which is almost unheard of. I am a cat person absolutely, but I didn’t find a bit of this offensive. Just the perfect amount of sass and laughs.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Considering the only pet you’ve ever really wanted was about the closest thing to a human as you can get in the animal world, I’d say you’re pretty spot on about your self-analysis of being a non-pet-lover. I feel the same about kids. What do I do with them?? What if they start screaming? If they hug me, am I supposed to hug back? I don’t dislike them in the least, I’m just uncomfortable around them. So I guess I feel the same but…with humans? That sounded less heartless in my head. Anyway, this made me laugh a lot. V good post

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I don’t even realize I’m drawn to the only animal that is like a human. I like being alone most of the time though. But I do like kids. I find them entertaining, plus talking to them makes me feel like a genius. I could totally understand where you’re coming from though. Kids can be uncomfortable to be around sometimes.

      Like

  11. Utie says:

    I could say a lot of things right now, but I’m just going to say;

    SAME

    I’ve never related to something so hard 👌

    Thank you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Barb Knowles says:

    I’m a dog person who sometime have cats. I don’t really trust cats though. I’m all about unconditional love and that’s the description of a dog. I’ve had goldfish, they last about a day. Back when one could buy little turtles (against the law now) I had 2 and one committed suicide. For real. It would go on it’s back and try to go head first in the water. I would right it and cry (I was a kid) and finally I woke up one morning and it had passed. Hysterical. Over a turtle. Whom I kept in captivity. Give me a dog anytime. Except don’t ship me one from Canada. Who would look at me with baleful eyes that said I’m sorry….I’m a Canadian dog and will always say I’m sorry and be polite.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Canadian dogs will scratch up your leather couch and “harm” your carpet and then apologize. I’m pretty sure that’s what they do. Your blog son Chris had a turtle that died because he didn’t leave the light on in its tank. I think. It’s now buried in his backyard.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Barb Knowles says:

        Obviously it’s buried in the backyard. Over the years I had my dog cremated and the ashes in pretty box type things and would put them on the piano. I asked Tim to put me on the piano if I go first. He was not amused and had the horrible thought that he might end up there. I assured him not. I’m going to sleep and have stopped making sense.

        Liked by 1 person

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