Are you a dog or cat person?
It’s a question as old as questions.
By the way, this blog post was inspired by Angela’s post about animals which started with the line, “I’m not an animal lover.” So if you don’t like this post, blame her! Don’t actually…
Double by the way, I’m putting this post under the Humour category. Please take it as such.
Oh no, two warnings in italics. I never do that. That’s how you know someone’s about to be offended.
Yeah, I’m going to be referring to myself in the third person. Didn’t you read the title?
Paul, are you a dog or cat person?
No. I am not.
You were probably expecting me to pick one or the other, but this is 2017 and I’m tired of pretending to choose dogs over cats every time because that’s the popular vote.
From afar and through pictures, I can respect and appreciate both dogs and cats. Up close, though, I want nothing to do with them. I don’t know what to do with them.
Paul, you pet them!
Ok. No one has ever taught me how to pet a dog. You know how many rules I’ve heard over the years? Don’t pet there. Pet here.
I have so many useless sports stats in my head, I don’t have space to remember where to pet a puppy.
Poor excuse, I know. Should I practise petting a milk bag first, before petting a dog?
Sorry, that milk bag reference was for the Canadians reading this.
Alright, jokes aside, I don’t really care to touch dogs. I don’t see the allure of going face to face with it and rubbing noses as if we just got engaged.
That’s what people who just got engaged do, right? (Or are their engagement photos, which have been taken by a friend hiding in a bush, a lie?) They rub noses
and wish for money to pay for their wedding?
I’ve had dogs lick my legs. What does that even mean?
If I went up to a dog and licked its leg, how would they react? Exactly. They wouldn’t know what to do. They’d be like, “What is he doing and where can I get a towel to wipe off the warm slobber he just spread on me?”
I’m just not comfortable around dogs. I don’t know what to do with them because 105% of the time I just hope they go away.
I don’t like apologizing for possibly offending people, BUT no offence to dog owners, you’re all lovely, I’m sure.
I’m very respectful of people who own dogs. Just ask Meghan how many dog related pictures and tweets I send her. Tell ’em Meghan!
If I’m sitting watching TV, I don’t want a dog there with me. I rarely want a human there with me.
Also, I’m always worried that a dog is going to think I’m a toilet.
But Paul, they’re trained!
Okay, that’s something a person like me doesn’t really think about. I see a dog walking around the house without pants on and I think something can come out at any minute.
Always stay in front of its face, Paul.
I’m ignorant. I’ll admit it.
From afar though, dogs look majestic. In pictures and GIFs, dare I say they look downright cuddly.
Aside: I’m a big fan of the work of Scooby-Doo, Wishbone, and Air Bud.
But in person, I just want the experience to end.
I’ve written about dogs before and how they don’t like me. That blog post included the story of 1. Almost being attacked by a dog, and 2. Being chased by a three-legged dog.
You can read that horror-filled blog post RIGHT HERE.
As for cats, I don’t even know what to say.
I’m just not a pet person, sorry.
Even a goldfish. That sounds like Level 1 in the pet owning department.
I wouldn’t want a goldfish. For what? Companionship? It can’t even hug me!
Plus, it would be in a bowl all day just doing laps back and forth, while I stare at it wondering if I’ve given it too much food. What’s it training for? The Fishympics?
Also, do fish sleep? I’d probably set up a video camera to see if it rests it’s head on a pillow at night.
Double also, I’d whip out a stopwatch and time just how long their attention span really is.
As for other pets, what would I get? A bird?
I had a bird in my basement once. It came in through a vent, or something. It found its way back out, but for the short time that it was here, I named it Compass. Why? Because it had no sense of direction.
I used to say that I wanted a pet chimpanzee, mainly because I think I could train it to be exactly like me, so then it’s like I don’t have a pet, but a younger brother who just so happens to never shave.
I can name him Harry. He could be a wizard.
It would be perfect. Chimps are a riot. Have you ever seen the YouTube video of a chimpanzee riding a segway?
Dogs don’t ride segways. Boom. Checkmate.
I don’t love animals, I’m sorry. I wish them the best and that people treat them well, but I just would rather be kept away from them.
*Insert story of going to the zoo for a Grade 9 french class field trip and wondering, 1. When is lunch? 2. What is that smell? 3. Camels can’t jump over short fences, RIGHT?*
I don’t even like walking by dogs on the sidewalk. I don’t like hearing them bark at me in the distance, either. I always assume they’re barking at me.
I’m petrified they’ll kill me, more or less.
Well, that’s it. I hope I offended all pet lovers equally, so no one can be mad at me in the comments section.
keep your pets away from me. I don’t care about them. I’m not an animal person. I like animal crackers, if that counts for anything.
There was one dog I liked in person, even though I always felt awkward around it. It was PJ.
If you don’t know who PJ is, that line wasn’t meant for you.
Oh! One last thing.
For all the, “If you’re not a dog person, then I’m not a you person” people out there, I have one question for you:
Why do you have to be so snarky?
You can bark at me on Twitter @CappyTalks