Dogs Don’t Like Me

You know, it’s tough. We all just want to be liked. People just want to be themselves, without judgment. And yet despite all that, the word “hate” still exists. People are still bullied, picked on, and outcast. Some are even chased and sneezed on.

I have been chased and sneezed on.

By dogs. I have been chased and sneezed on, by dogs. On separate occasions, no less.

Actually, come to think of it, people have chased me and sneezed on me, too. I’m so blessed.

There’s nothing cuter than a dog with their owner. There, I had to get that out of the way so I don’t have dog owners jumping down my throat. Or worse, their dogs jumping down my throat.

I have nothing against dogs. They just hate me. They started it.

It all started when I was a little 4-year-old dumpling in a snowsuit that would make the Michelin Man jealous. You know how they say the camera adds ten pounds? Well, a snowsuit on a little kid adds about thirty.

I had put in my half day of Kindergarten and it was time to go home. My sweet Mommy came to school to pick up her miniature cinnamon roll.

Hungry yet?

I sat in the backseat even though I could’ve sworn I had called shotgun back at the school.

Anyways, we were just about to pull into our driveway and I saw it. A huge, angry, ready-to-feast dog coming out of the walkway next to my house. I looked in it’s eyes and saw something I don’t wish to see again.

This part, I’m not joking about.

I sensed something the moment I saw that dog. The car pulled into the garage. I got out of the car and raced to the front door. Something told me that I should hurry. My Mom finally caught up and put the key in the door. As she did, I turned around.

There it was. The dog from the walkway. It had run away from it’s owner and was looking to feast on me. Perhaps he heard that I was a little dumpling/cinnamon roll in a snowsuit. He was literally right on my posterior.

Then my Mom became my hero. Within 0.8 seconds, she unlocked the door, picked me up by the back of my snowsuit, and threw me in the house. She literally picked me up and threw me. I was airborne, y’all. Air-freakin’-borne.

The dog didn’t want her, it wanted me. I knew it as soon as I locked eyes with it when I was in the car. Finally, it’s owner caught up to it and took it off our property and away from the lunch special (me).

You know the saying: “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog”? That’s absolute hogwash. This dog had both the size, and the fight. And don’t tell me all he wanted to do was cuddle my chubby ankles and sniff my butt. You weren’t there, okay. You just weren’t there.

I need a moment…

That is one of my earliest memories. Isn’t it great?

Many years later when I was about 12-years-old (may have been a year or two younger), the same thing happened to me.

Déjà vu, I’m nervous like Pepé Le Pew.

Let’s set this up. My neighbour’s dog had three legs. It was born that way, pardon the song reference. I felt bad for it, who wouldn’t?

Anyways, I’m standing outside, next to the walkway beside my house. And then I see it. The three-legged dog was hobbling down the walkway as fast as it could. I locked eyes with it and knew it had bad intentions.

I took off. I Usain Bolted out of there so fast my feet could’ve fallen off. Did I run to the front door? No. I did that the last time and got held up because it was locked. I wasn’t risking that again.

That’s how people die in horror films, you know. They get to a locked door, turn around, shriek, and then the movie cuts to a scene of their funeral. Every. Single. Time.

I ran across the front lawn and headed toward the backyard. As I was running toward the backyard, I was looking behind me every three steps. My sister can verify this because she was watching from the window and still, to this day, re-enacts the entire thing.

I got in the backyard and shut the gate. I was safe. Except for the fact that there was a little hole under the fence. Big enough for a small dog to fit under. Thankfully, this wasn’t a small dog.

I say “thankfully” as if I’m glad it was a huge dog chasing me.

Did this dog want to cuddle my ankles and sniff my butt? I’m willing to bet that it did not.

Hold on to your fedoras, there’s a third dog incident. This one is less dramatic, but it’s still worth mentioning.

Almost every time I go to my best friend’s house, his dog sneezes on my feet. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing with dogs, or not. Like do they want me to sneeze on their feet too? Is that how they greet people? I don’t know.

I don’t know why dogs do this to me. It’s like I’ve been blacklisted. As if they have a town hall meeting and talk about ways to raise my heart rate.

A part of me feels like I was a dog in a previous life; I can’t explain it. Maybe dogs can sense it and resent me for being a human. I don’t know. I can’t speak Doglish – the language spoken by 74% of all dogs. Fun fact, eh?

“That traitor turned in his four legs for two. Let’s have a three-legged dog chase after him to send a message.”

I can see it. I can totally see it.

Maybe one day dogs and I will come together, paw in hand, and call a truce. Until then, I have to watch my back.

I’m no longer a dumpling or cinnamon roll to them. To them, I’m a piece of steak. The expensive kind.

There are no bones about it, dogs just don’t like me.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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83 Responses to Dogs Don’t Like Me

  1. shubhada says:

    I have been chased by a dog too! I was just 5 years old! I’ve been scared of dogs eversince

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Suri says:

    Haha.. I’ve NEVER experienced a dog chasing me!
    Might be very very scary for non dog lovers! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  3. grammyg53 says:

    You used it. THE WORD!!! The one word that is actually two words made into one smaller word.
    I’m SOOOO proud of you my north of the border southerner… 🙂 And you didn’t mention pizza. Are you sick?

    My brothers & I had a dachshund when I was small. My older brother wasn’t so small and the younger was a baby. So I was perfect for Gus. Gustaf JoGlo der Ruhl is what my intelligent older brother named Gus. Or Gussy. Other names I can’t post here.

    Gus bit me right square on the nose one time. My mom said it was my fault.

    It’s always my fault. Even to this day. Oh well.

    I’d love to have another dog these days. Now I’m rethinking that idea… your post just became a PSA, Paul. Thanks!

    p.s. Gus wasn’t the ONLY dog we had in our lives as little Ruhls. We had Brownie, the perfect cocker spaniel. To this day I can’t talk about what happened to her. And it was NOT my fault. Then there was Snoopy. Yup. A beagle. I hated that stupid dog. He never would sit on top of his dog house like the REAL Snoopy does in the comic strip.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hahaha used the word just for you. Sounds like you’ve had quite the experiences with dogs. Haha I’m just picturing your dog trying to sit on top of its dog house. By the way “Man’s best friend” is just a marketing ploy. They don’t like me.

      Like

      • grammyg53 says:

        You’re silly, Paul. I’m not crazy about them, either. My sweet little toy poodle, Max, was awesome, though. I’ll show you his picture sometime. I hate cats even more than I dislike dogs but this post is NOT about cats. Tada for now!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Ah! Don’t get me started on cats…

        Like

  4. Walter says:

    I think you seem pretty okay, so maybe not ALL dogs dislike you. However, my five pound sister, Eggnog, would probably lay into you. She can be vicious!!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Issa says:

    I have gone as far as people chasing you and I have liked already. Do I really have to keep reading or should I just chase and sneeze on you? You know for the blessings.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Issa says:

    hahaha sorry men. There is a conspiracy in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Doc' & CJ says:

    Well done Paul! Ya “knocked my socks off”.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Little Rants says:

    Shite. All dogs like me except my friend Sav’s. He just won’t stop snapping at me. This one time he actually tried to claw my face off. And never ever touch a Shih Tzu’s ponytail y’all.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Mindy says:

    “I was airborne, y’all”!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Jessie Reyna says:

    I’m literally dying right now. Being chased by dogs is terrifying. I went jogging once in Texas where nobody pays attention to their pets and found approximately five dogs merely an inch from my ankle. Never again!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. alaerembo says:

    Hahahahaha. Rude. My laughter is rude seeing how you are being chased and sneezed at but lmao! It’s funny

    Liked by 2 people

  12. rebbit7 says:

    Haha! Aw, I love dogs, and it’s unfortunate that they don’t seem to like you. Maybe some day they will! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  13. SJ says:

    I’m absolutely terrified of dogs. I blame it on the lack of communication.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. casondra2rey says:

    Hahaha poor thing. Maybe its the whole eye staring thing? Maybe you shouldn’t do that lol! Kind of like an informal invitation lol

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Dream it Alive says:

    I’ve been there once or twice…you just know it’s not going to end well if you don’t do the right thing(s) at the right time.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. George says:

    You know what they say…..dogs and kids. They can smell trouble.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. heymeghan91 says:

    Paul. Let’s have a real moment here. https://instagram.com/p/3hGtqCgu75/
    Click link^

    This isn’t scary. It’s ADORABLE. You just have to befriend a puppy. They will only chase you to play

    Liked by 2 people

  18. melody says:

    Dogs tend to be a good judge of character and you are most definitely a character. Just for future reference, “locking eyes” with animals in general but dogs, as a rule, is a challenge for dominance. You run, you lose. Cats are a decerning group and you wouldn’t fit, although many will make direct eye contact just to freak you out. I love both types and have never been chased except by my cat and that was only because I wouldn’t share my salmon. Cheeky little feral!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Interesting. I’m learning a lot today. I didn’t even lock eyes for more than a couple seconds and it was at a distance, and one of the times, I was in a car. I guess I just set off some dogs.

      Like

  19. anxietybug88 says:

    I have the same problem, but a little… different. There’s this Robin in my backyard that I’m pretty sure is trying to kill me. He keeps hopping closer when I turn away, and before I know it, he’s five feet from me munching on a bug or worm ominously. A bee got into my room once, and when I went to go put it outside, after setting it down and going inside to shut the door, I turn around, and there he is… CHOMPCHOMP on a bug. He stops chewing and jerks his head to the side so one beady eye is staring at me… I slammed the door shut and ran to my room. I knew he was the assassin that sent the bee.

    Liked by 3 people

  20. Barb Knowles says:

    I had a toothless old dog attack me and bite my face when I was 2 or 3. That sounds like a blues song but it did happen to me. You have a great way of describing your canine experiences. I loved “Actually, come to think of it…” and “I say ‘thankfully'” AND “make no bones about it.” But I don’t understand Usain Bolted. Perhaps a millennial reference?

    Liked by 2 people

  21. Squidtea says:

    As I read this, my little spastic fluffball called by scientists to be a dog jumped up beside me on the couch, sneezed in my face, and curled up beside me. Somehow he knew I was reading a post about mean dogs and needed to reassure me of his love. But I do have to add my two cents to the discussion and say that all dog experts (Animal Planet) say that locking eyes with dogs means you want to fight them, which I never believed until now. Maybe that’s why they chased you? But you did probably look delicious… Who knows with tamed wolves we keep in our houses?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Haha well I would barely call what I did “locking eyes” especially since I was so far away from the dogs both times. Maybe I should’ve used a different phrase to explain it. You’re right, I probably did look delicious.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Underdog and Lassie, they would like you. :O)

    Liked by 2 people

  23. izza ifzaal says:

    hahahaha! Paul that was witty & my condolences on your mishaps with dogs 😀
    But I guess they can sense that we might be scared of them,no ? 😛
    Few days back my friend and I spotted a little puppy and he started running towards us..God! this sounds crazy but we both started screaming &running in the middle of the road with people ogling us as if we are CRAZY OR WHAT!
    IN SHORT : They loathe me too :/

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Pingback: Love/Hate Challenge | Riddle from the Middle

  25. Laura says:

    Terrible experience but a fantastic post!! I’ve nominated you for the Love/Hate challenge. You can go to http://riddlefromthemiddle.com for the details. Have a great day!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Pingback: Now | Delirious Antidotes

  27. markbialczak says:

    Your mom is my hero, Paul.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I swear once dogs are passed my ankle, they don’t like me either.. I’ve been almost killed 3 times by BIG dogs…So much so, I think they feel the anxiety off me when I am around them. Then they mess around with me by jumping up at me so I can like have a heart attack. They like to be in control of the situation. -.-

    Liked by 1 person

  29. myattitude88 says:

    I fear cats I love my dogs! My Shepsky barks but doesn’t bite. Training is what it takes. I DISLIKE cats all because of ONE my cousin has this male cat that would sit and wait for me to show up and once I was within its range it would leap and bite and claw and oh my lord I have horrible scars on my legs now. And I will never be the same when it comes to cats. Lol it seems so ridiculous to be fearful of a cat now that Im thinking about it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I think that’s how a lot of people develop their fear of pets/animals though. Just random occurrences where they are attacked. I once had a 3 legged dog chase me. Horrifying.

      Liked by 1 person

      • myattitude88 says:

        Lol my cousins cat used to wait for me everyday I swear it listened for my car to pull up then just very sly like walk behind me and we would play red light green light until I reached the door and once I got there it was a quick draw. I used to unlock the door and try to get inside before the evil kitty struck. The times I found it funny was when it would peek at me from either under my car or from behind a garbage can it looked funny to me. I wish I would have saved that photo it reminded me of that Michael Myers movie when he stands next to the brush then disappears so hilarious. Now the cat throws himself down in front of me and expects me to pet him. I won’t even look it in the eye. Hahaha

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Lol you should bring a picture of a cat and point at it and tell this other cat that the one in the picture is your favourite. That would be great. Wear bubble wrap though. It might attack.

        Liked by 1 person

      • myattitude88 says:

        Lol! Funniest ever was when I left my sunroof open and when I went to go shut it the cat was in the driver seat paws up on the steering wheel watching me. I thought hmm nah its hot out anyways! Wish I had a blog back then that would have made some hilarious posts

        Liked by 1 person

  30. Pingback: Pets and Paul | The Captain's Speech

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