I Don’t

Day by day, I see it get washed away
I am the only one who can do something
but here I am, unable to do anything
there is a guilty look that never makes eye contact
followed by a guilty kneel
topped with sleepless nights and nightmares that last too long
I don’t know what I want
but I don’t want this
the blue words are supposed to help
all they do is hurt
day by day it is another dagger
it is an argument against
it is a wonder why
why oh why
I am tired of explaining from the start
and I am tired in general
find me a reset button please
I would press it so fast
oh, so fast
I am doing this wrong
you don’t have to tell me twice
my eyes have their desires
off in the distance there is a light
my legs cannot move
they grow taller so I can see over
when you watch from above, you see everything
when you watch from below, well, I’ve been there too
not much difference
do I miss out
I convince myself I don’t
the sidelines are safe and the videos play on loop
the time lapse sweeps me up
a mere cloud that existed once
I don’t know what I want
but I don’t want this
there is a picture I constantly see
it is etched in my memory
I reach for it, as if it were a mirror
I am disappointed to learn it is not
rip it up, just rip it up
it is too hard
it is too scary
I do not know how
I never knew how
maybe I thought time would be on my side
a jolt of energy with unbridled confidence
thought it was here to stay
thought many things were
I was wrong again
the temporary nature of things pulls the rug
in the face of adversity
my face looked for an empty place to hide
I thought I had lifted the thumb
call me surprised when I found out I hadn’t
and these words are all I can do
my only heartbeat in this world
everything else stopped beating
one by one
shut down and replaced by a mummy
the middle of the night does not welcome light
the stairs creak the same way every time
I don’t know what I want
but I don’t want this
the patterns keep repeating themselves
and I am sorry
I am so sorry
it pains me so much to hurt you
I just want us to laugh
that is all I ever wanted
that is what I said on that day
that day, oh man, that day
I cannot put it to sleep
are you sending me a message
my mind has never been able to compute
what I want
what I desire
what I am scared of
what I am expected to do
it all blurs together
there is no answer
there is no answer
there is no answer
there is no answer
there is no answer
there is no answer
there is no answer
trust me, I want there to be an answer
I want it badly
please God
you cannot imagine
no, you cannot even begin to imagine
how badly I want it
day by day
you think I chose this
you think it is on purpose
believe me when I say it isn’t
and every time I try to change
I cannot do it
there is a question here
a question there
and another question in five minutes
just stop it
stop it
stop it
stop it
stop it
I cannot handle it
I cannot keep up with the constant tip toeing
they make it look so easy
when will I
there is no escape today
God tell me about tomorrow
because I don’t know what I want
but I promise you, I don’t want this.

Written while listening to: Castle on the Hill – Ed Sheeran