Here’s a rant.
Today is W Day. Not because it’s Wednesday – I’m far more clever than that. But because yesterday was V Day. I’m just following the alphabet. Which means tomorrow is X Day, so get your tissues ready. Friday will be Y Day, which is also self-explanatory. And Saturday is Z Day because we’re all going to sleep. Zzz….
God, I am so clever.
I know you’re all tired of hearing and reading about Valentine’s Day, so I’m just going to pile on and make us all visibly ill. You love me. You’re welcome.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about Valentine’s Day this year; I had some thoughts of letting it pass like a fart in the wind but as yesterday went on, I became more agitated than when I ask for white bread and am offered whole wheat instead.
Do I look like I want to eat smelly socks (whole wheat bread)?
Plus, one of my non-blogger friends (shoutout!) asked me to write about this. Blame them.
You know what bothers me? When people say that Valentine’s Day is just a made-up holiday. I find that so disrespectful to the chubby babies in diapers with wings, who spend their day shooting arrows at people.
Just kidding. It bothers me because everyone says it every single year. We get it. You’re a recording. Enough already. We all know it’s a made-up holiday. There had to be a bridge between New Year’s and Easter. Deal with it. It’s a thing.
No one ever complains about Halloween being a made-up holiday. (If it’s not, don’t correct me). Maybe because Halloween is an all-inclusive event. You can all dress up, or dress very little. Your choice. Whereas Valentine’s day is specifically for couples and children in elementary school who exchange Valentine’s Day cards with their classmates.
Remember that? I do. Let’s cancel previously scheduled learning, so we can exchange cards that our parents wrote out and eat desserts that everyone brought in. Who didn’t like that? Man, sign me up twice.
The people who hate Valentine’s Day are those who are single. If you’re in a relationship and also hate Valentine’s Day, I don’t want to hear from you.
Single people make Valentine’s Day almost as unbearable as those in a relationship.
For every photo I saw of two people kissing or posing with a box of chocolates that no one is going to eat, I saw a post about how it’s Single’s Awareness Day, or how they can’t wait to have someone to be with, or how they despise the whole day and think it’s fake.
See, single people like to brush off Valentine’s Day as just another day and pretend it doesn’t affect them. It does.
You know who I appreciate on Valentine’s Day? The one’s who dislike the concept of the day but say nothing publicly. You are my people. Let’s get pizza and scratch each other’s back with breadsticks.
Okay, maybe not the second part. #Unsanitary
And then there are those who have the audacity to be in love with someone and tell us all about it. How dare you!?
If you’re in a relationship and don’t advertise your love on Valentine’s Day, you’ve got a lot of guts.
I get it. You’re posting a picture because it’s Valentine’s Day and if you don’t, there is some underlying psychological message there that no one cares about; Except for your significant other who will dissect it, which is why X Day is just around the corner.
Some will disguise the photos of affection by saying “Today and every day”. Okay, but where is your photo in mid-August of the two of you with flowers, stuffed animals, and melted chocolates? Huh? Where’s that? Show me that.
Beach photos don’t count. I want to see the full-blown Valentine’s Day treatment in the middle of August. That’s how you get me to like your photo. That’s how you convince me that Valentine’s Day isn’t the only time you act like mashed potatoes.
People love occasions. We’re always looking for a reason to do something. No one sets a New Year’s resolution in October, but as soon as January 1st hits, uh oh, time to change my horrible ways.
I know some people who will celebrate their birthday for two weeks, or even a month.
No! You’re not allowed. You get one day. That’s how birthdays work. You don’t get a birthtwoweeks. You get a day. Don’t waste 8 hours of it sleeping if you want to stretch it out. One day. You. Get. One. Day.
That’ll be on the test tomorrow. Make note.
In Canada, we have Family Day coming up and there will be a bunch of posts and pictures on social media of people with their siblings and parents and grandparents and dogs and cats and iguanas. And it’ll be on that day where we all get to hear how much that kid from 10th grade math, who you haven’t spoken to in a decade, loves their family.
Aren’t we blessed?
Let me circle back to Valentine’s Day.
If you want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, that’s your choice. Just know, no one actually cares. Until you get married, the likes on your couple-looking photos are always at least 1% reluctant.
I think everyone wants love at some point in their life, and by you shoving it down everyone else’s throat, you’re talked down upon. Sorry. Such is life. Just how God drew it up.
Because when single people see two people in love, they start questioning themselves. They won’t tell you that publicly, they’ll say they hate Valentine’s Day instead.
If you don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, you should just be quiet about it. We know you’re lying when you say, “I don’t need someone else” and then Retweet a bunch of sad tweets about how lonely you are.
Don’t embarrass yourself. Just hide out in a room with food.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll feel like puking every time you see a couple post a picture of themselves on Valentine’s Day, but at the same time you can mildly appreciate how much they appear to appreciate each other.
See, I’m not totally heartless.
What was the point of this?
1. Don’t publicly bash Valentine’s Day because one day you’re going to be on the other side of it and post questionable photos on Instagram proclaiming, “Oh ma Gawd, chocolates I won’t eat.”
2. Don’t be the person that posts questionable photos on Instagram proclaiming, “Oh ma Gawd, chocolates I won’t eat.”
3. Say nothing. Love more. Write rants the day after.
Well, that about covers it.
As you were.