I know, the NBA season began three days ago and you can’t technically have a preview after something has already started. Well, too bad! My blog, my rules. That’s where the word, “Belated” comes into play. Go eat a cantaloupe if you don’t like it. I only say that because I hate cantaloupe. Makes me want to puke. True story.
Anyway, I’m going to quickly run through all thirty teams in the league and give my thoughts on them in two sentences, or less. If I think they will make the playoffs, I will say “Playoffs”. And no, that will not count as a sentence.
So even if you’re not a basketball fan, but find yourself in a group of people discussing basketball, feel free to refer to this list and steal some one liners. You’ll look smart and funny, and everyone will want to be your friend.
Atlanta Hawks: Their arena looks really dark. I believe in Dennis Schroder. Playoffs.
Boston Celtics: A lot of people are saying they’re the second best team in the East, but I don’t see it. Maybe the third best. Playoffs.
Brooklyn Nets: Jay-Z and Beyonce sit court side so you can look at something other than the game.
Charlotte Hornets: Batum, Williams, and Kidd-Gilchrist are basically the same player. Playoffs.
Chicago Bulls: They will get a lot of steals. It’s too bad they can’t shoot threes. Playoffs.
Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James. And LeBron James. Playoffs.
Dallas Mavericks: Mark Cuban likes spending money. Old team. Playoffs.
Denver Nuggets: Two years away from being a playoff team.
Detroit Pistons: Andre Drummond is a house, but the injury to Reggie Jackson will be felt. Strange hairstyle choices on this team.
Golden State Warriors: They have no bench. Steph Curry has a nice family. Playoffs.
Houston Rockets: Can they bring back Yao Ming? Playoffs.
Indiana Pacers: Paul “Curious” George is really good at basketball. I want that nickname to catch on. Playoffs.
Los Angeles Clippers: No one likes them because they whine all the time. They whine all the time because no one likes them. Playoffs.
Los Angeles Lakers: Won’t be as bad as people expect. Will let a three-game winning streak get to their heads.
Memphis Grizzlies: Stale. Vince Carter!
Miami Heat: They had their fun. It’s over.
Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis Antetokounmpo’s arms are so long (how long are they?) he can touch the other side of the room before he even enters the room.
Minnesota Timberwolves: These kids are good. Let them age like a fine prosciutto, though.
New Orleans Pelicans: Walking On Broken Glass – Annie Lennox.
New York Knicks: See, New Orleans Pelicans. Turn back the clock five years and they would be championship contenders.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Russell Westbrook is out for blood this year. Blood. Playoffs.
Orlando Magic: Their point guard has a mop on his head. Their front court is big and mean. Playoffs.
Philadelphia 76ers: They need to Feng Shui their organization, like, yesterday.
Phoenix Suns: Marquese Chriss and Devin Booker. Start name dropping them at parties now, so you can say you knew them before they were superstars.
Portland Trail Blazers: I remember when they were known as the Jail Blazers. They’re good now. Playoffs.
Sacramento Kings: DeMarcus Cousins always looks frustrated. In three years, maybe two players on the current roster will still be on the team.
San Antonio Spurs: “When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less”. – Paul Brown. Playoffs.
Toronto Raptors: No big additions going into this season made people think they didn’t improve. I disagree with that sentiment. A long playoff run last year, coupled with the team’s two best players playing on Team USA at the Olympics, is experience they didn’t have last season. Also, the young players still have a lot of room for improvement. Playoffs.
Yeah, I know that was more than three sentences. What are you, a mathematician? I’m biased. Go eat a cantaloupe.
Utah Jazz: I’ve been a closet Utah Jazz fan for a long time now. This team is good. Playoffs.
Washington Wizards: I find them to be stale. Their two best players don’t like each other.
Who will win the championship? I have no idea. Anything can happen.
To summarize, here are the teams I think will make the playoffs
even though predictions are ridiculous. I’m really just putting this here so I can brag in April (to all of you who don’t care) about how many I got right.
Golden State Warriors
Los Angeles Clippers
Oklahoma City Thunder
Portland Trail Blazers
San Antonio Spurs
Alright, that’s all. If you sat through this entire blog post and aren’t a basketball fan, I love you.