I’m excited. You are receiving my first letter out to the United Kingdom, specifically, Essex. I can only imagine the pomp and circumstance the arrival of this letter will receive. I hope they don’t close down too many roads.
Oh, and if the Queen is notified of the arrival of this very important letter, let me know. It would give me an excuse to add her on Facebook.
Your friends call you weird? Welcome to the club. I’m the leader.
Getting down to business, I’m writing to you today to tell you why the aliens – who abduct you – won’t let you drink tea the night before the abduction. There are a few reasons. I’ll get to all of them, shortly.
But first, I am dying to ask you some questions about life in the U.K. Also, I might just empty out some thoughts in my head that have no rhyme or reason.
Let’s start with Paddington Bear. I am a huge fan of the P. Bear. The fact that he keeps a marmalade sandwich in his hat, just in case he gets hungry, is absolutely brilliant. It inspired me as a child.
Is he a local hero in your parts, or is he just another television character?
Speaking of television characters…Mr. Bean. I grew up laughing my cheeks into chipmunk formation as I stared at a silent character get himself into outrageous situations. Him being terrified of diving at the pool really resonated with me because I can’t swim, either.
I don’t have a question about him; I’m just reminiscing over his brilliance.
What I do have a question about, though, is food. And please don’t think I’m being offensive, but whenever someone mentions food and England in the same sentence, a lot of people out here (North America) automatically equate that to tea, crumpets, and a lot of pinkies pointed outward.
Are tea and crumpets as popular as I’m lead to believe? Or is the whole thing overblown and I’ve been lead astray?
While I’m digging a hole for myself by asking about stereotypes, I’ll dig further. Is “Pip pip, cheerio!” an actual phrase that is commonly used, or is that another thing North Americans got wrong?
I’ll let you return serve, so to speak, and let you ask about Canadian stereotypes or just your general thoughts on us, if you have any!
Be right back, my moose just escaped from my igloo again. Gotta get a stronger ice lock.
You told me you’re very passionate about Nintendo! And by reading your blog, I’ve also discovered you’re a Formula One fan! I was a big Nintendo and Formula One fan when I was growing up! Hmm, maybe I should’ve started the letter here.
I still have my Nintendo 64, which I got for Christmas in 1999. It still works and Mario Party 1 & 2 are played at least once a year. I also went the Gameboy route, but after that fizzled out, I can’t say I’ve interacted with Nintendo a lot lately!
I’m assuming you’ve gotten into the Pokemon GO craze? Don’t hold it against me, but I haven’t. My stubbornness as well as my mindset to do the opposite of what everyone else is doing, is holding me back.
Perhaps you can convince me to give it a try!
Have you ever been to a Formula One race in person before? I just got back into following it at the start of this season. It had lost me for a while when I was away at school because there was no way, as a student, that I was going to wake up at 8am on the weekend to watch the races.
But, growing up, I was hooked during the Schumacher/Hakkinen days.
Before I address the alien abduction, you asked me “Dogs or cats?” My answer used to be dogs. But I faced my fear two days ago by addressing this, and now my answer is neither. Sorry.
First off, it sounds like you’ve been abducted before. And for that, I want to congratulate you for surviving each episode and being returned safely, I assume.
You want to know why they won’t let you drink tea the night before the abduction? I’ll tell you why.
There are three simple reasons for this. You’ll laugh that you didn’t think of them yourself.
1. Tea acts as a repellent.
It’s like this: the sun has sunscreen. Vampires have garlic. My family has my smell. Wait, what? Aliens have tea.
Aliens can’t go anywhere near you if you have tea in your system. They don’t like it. It irritates them. It’s an abduction deal-breaker. Just like you can’t eat or drink before a blood test, you can’t have tea before an alien abduction. You just can’t.
2. It makes you heavier.
Much like a Formula One car or a Mario Kart..uhh..kart, the spaceship that aliens ride in needs to be a specific weight. If you load up on tea, surely you’re loading up on crumpets, which means you will be a bit heavier the next morning, even if it’s just a few ounces.
That is enough to throw off the balance of the spaceship and they can’t take that risk with a human on board. If they crash, their license will be taken away from them.
3. Aliens don’t like warm drinks.
You’re probably wondering how I know this. No, I didn’t ask Google. I asked myself. I am an alien. We don’t like warm drinks. They burn our tongue and we don’t understand the whole, “they’ll warm you up” concept. Aliens like to wear sweaters.
Hot chocolate? Get out. Coffee? No way. Tea? We regard it as the 20th letter in the alphabet and that’s it.
I hope this clears things up!
That being said, I must be going! The aliens from Toy Story have called a meeting and my spaceship leaves in french fry donut donut hour.
That’s alien speak for 1 hour. Because a french fry looks like a 1 and a donut looks like a 0, so if you have 2 donuts…you get the gist!
Thank you, Ben, for allowing me to write such an important letter. All the best to you and your family! Don’t fret your next alien abduction. Keep your head up when playing Pokemon GO and don’t forget to pack a marmalade sandwich for those long trips!
Send my regards to the Queen!
Crumpets and trumpets,
Paul from Canada
P.S. I recovered my moose and he’s resting comfortably on his water bed, which is on the second floor of my igloo.