The Colton jumped the fence, the Colton jumped the fence, hi-ho, the derry-o, the Colton jumped the fence.
Welcome back to another edition of your favourite Bachelor recap. I’m Paul and this Cass. Her thoughts will be in bold, so you can tell us apart. I always wonder if people skip this part and think I’m saying the bold parts…
Two nights…I’m not ready for this. But we get to see the fence jump.
~ We start off in Los Angeles, with Colton talking to Chris Harrison, who has an earpiece in his ear? He is a robot, I knew it!
~ They discuss the upcoming fantasy suite dates and I’m bored.
~ This is an interesting conversation between Colton & Chris.
~ If Chris decides to do a career change, he should be a therapist.
~ Cassie looks stressed.
~ Colton returns to his three girlfriends and tells them they’re going to Algarve, Portugal.
~ Omg Portugal here we come.
~ Now we’re getting a brief montage of each of them. Lots of walking around by themselves, staring off into the distance, and pretending to look candid.
~ More like candon’t! Sorry.
~ High heels on cobblestone roads…come on girl.
~ Notice how in all these flashbacks, he’s already making out with each of them in bed?
~ What is with this music…is there a shark prowling nearby?
~ All the girls are so nervous about fantasy suites. Watch Colton tease us all & not sleep with any of them.
~ Tayshia is getting the first overnight date and they’re going to explore Algarve, by flying around in a helicopter.
~ Nothing says, “We want to explore, but not actually do anything”, like a Bachelor helicopter ride.
~ They touch down in Cabo Sao Vincent, which is a house on the edge of a cliff.
~ They’re sitting on a blanket, drinking wine, and talking about how the hometown date went okay.
~ Tayshia’s jacket is on her shoulders because why utilize sleeves?
~ How has Tayshia’s jacket not moved?
~ This is the most boring date and conversation ever. We learn that Colton isn’t that flexible.
~ It’s time for dinner and they continue to repeat compliments they’ve already said.
~ Those are some super cute blue Ikea chairs.
~ The most real conversation ever: “There’s tape holding my shirt to my chest aka don’t let me flash the world”.
~ Tayshia’s lipstick is rubbing off on Colton’s lips.
~ That shade looks good on him.
~ Tayshia reveals that her previous husband cheated on her a month into their marriage.
~ Now we know why her marriage ended.
~ So, her marriage ended a year and a half ago & she’s already read for love…girl bounced back quick.
~ After not touching their food, Colton pulls out a card from Chris Harrison, inviting them to the fantasy suite. This will always be the creepiest part of the show.
~ Off to the fantasy suite they go, with ominous music accompanying them.
~ What just happened to this music…this is a weird playlist, guys.
~ Colton doesn’t know how to open a champagne bottle, will this date go downhill from here?
~ I repeat, WHAT IS WITH THIS MUSIC!!!
~ It’s the morning after, as the camera focusses in on a bird and a bee. Oh.
~ That is a whole lot of white.
~ I need her PJ pants. I need those in my life.
~ NO SEX HAPPENED. I REPEAT, NO SEX HAPPENED.
~ Breakfast looks like bacon and eggs and orange juice but, of course, they don’t eat it before Colton leaves.
~ AREN’T THESE PEOPLE STARVING? THEY HAVEN’T HAD FOOD IN SEVEN WEEKS.
~ More food goes untouched, very disappointed they didn’t at least eat breakfast.
~ Tayshia told him she loves him, but he’s not there yet with her. *Just have to get this in here for official purposes.
~ Tayshia is too good for this show.
~ Cassie is up next.
~ I was about to say that Cassie looked like an old lady in that outfit, but then I realized I wore something almost similar to work, so now I’m embarrassed.
~ Colton picks her up in a convertible and says they’re going to explore Portugal. This is the same thing he said to Tayshia.
~ EYES ON THE ROAD. NO KISSING & DRIVING.
~ They’re sitting on the patio of a dessert place.
~ They put their pinkies up to drink espressos…
~ That lasted for three seconds, before they’re off browsing around a store.
~ As they walk through the streets, they stop in front of musicians and make out.
~ “I feel like I could see a future with him.” – Cassie
~ Now they’re dancing with a bunch of senior citizens. Well, at least Cassie came dressed for the occasion. RIGHT, CASS?
~ Colton tells us he wants Cassie to tell him she loves him. Well, maybe if you stopped kissing for three seconds, she could talk…
~ Colton makes her aware that her dad didn’t give his blessing for Colton to propose. Cassie is surprised.
~ “I’m so confused right now.” – Cassie
~ She’s freaked out that her family wasn’t 100% sold on Colton, despite Cassie knowing him for two whole months!
~ This is one awkward talk between Cassie & Colton.
~ Back from commercial and a man has stepped out of a car. They film him from feet to head, as if he’s a wrestler arriving to Monday Night Raw.
~ CASSIE’S DAD JUST SHOWED UP.
~ He came all the way to Portugal, on the show’s expense, just to make sure she’s okay. Wow.
~ I’m just so happy they flew him to Portugal, this is about to get insane.
~ He stands by his decision to not give his blessing to Colton after a 30-minute conversation.
~ Cassie says that going home made her doubt things more.
~ “Colton has no red flags, but you seem conflicted.”
~ This episode needs some entertainment. No wonder the earlier episodes all had gimmicky dates. Watching people talk about their feelings is boring.
~ “I want what my dad would want, and I don’t have that right now.” – Cassie
~ Your dad would want a free trip to Portugal and, oh look, you have that too!
~ Cassie is planning to send herself home tonight. Her father has given her clarity.
~ I swear, this season is filled with girls who have NO IDEA what The Bachelor is about…
~ Advice from Cassie’s dad to all of us: “Follow your heart”…”If you know, you know.”
~ Meanwhile, Colton is very excited for tonight and doesn’t know what’s about to hit him.
~ COLTON HAS NO IDEA WHAT’S ABOUT TO HIT HIM.
~ They’re sitting on a couch with wine and cheese. Cassie isn’t giving off any indication that this is about to end.
~ He just said Cassie is the one. Forget Cassie, my anxiety right now.
~ I feel like the producers told him before she arrived, to lay out exactly how he’s feeling. That way the rejection is more powerful.
~ You can tell she’s nervous because she’s constantly playing & flipping her hair.
~ HERE COMES THE BOMB.
~ Cassie finally tells him that her dad came to visit today. Any normal person would respond to this like, “WHAT!? He came HERE? To Portugal? WHAT!? Does he know the room service menu is lengthy?” Colton says nothing.
~ Cassie’s explaining her dad’s visit & Colton’s like, “Oh shit”.
~ “I don’t want to see you leave here, not having what you came here for.” – Cassie
~ Cassie is trying to let him down softly, while Colton says he wants to leave there with the person he has the most potential with (i.e. her).
~ Cassie tells him she’s not in love.
~ Colton trying not to cry is breaking my heart.
~ Colton asks her if she was planning on leaving tonight. She says, yes, because she’s not sure she can “get there”.
~ Yeah, let’s end a relationship because of the time constraints of the show that kinda, but not really, demand a proposal at the end.
~ Cassie just got up and left! “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
~ “Now I’m second guessing it.”
~ THE SHOW HASN’T CUT TO COMMERCIAL YET AND YOU’RE ALREADY SECOND GUESSING IT?
~ I’m confused, Cassie, I’m confused.
~ “I didn’t know it was going to be this hard.” – Cassie out here quoting Coldplay songs
~ The camera guy is all over the place.
~ Colton has gone outside to console her.
~ It’s clear she’s the frontrunner and he’s doing everything he can to keep her around.
~ Hannah’s overnight date probably won’t happen at this point, with 25 minutes left in the episode.
~ Colton sits her down and says it’s not easy
being green going on other dates with other women when all he does is think about her.
~ Waboom! He just exposed this show.
~ He tells her that if this doesn’t end with an engagement, that’s okay.
~ “I’m in love with you.” – Colton
~ Colton just said he’s in love with her and that he wants it to be her at the end.
~ Cassie is afraid that this show ends in two weeks and it’s not enough time. Does she not know they can continue seeing each other when the show ends?
~ “I want it to be you at the end of this, engagement or not.” – Colton
~ Cassie asks him how he can say that with two other girls there.
~ HAS CASSIE NEVER WATCHED THIS SHOW?
~ I’m legit so shook right now.
~ Pretty sure he’s broken all the Bachelor rules in this one conversation.
~ Honestly, I would’ve had my mind made up after a month. Maybe less. Does she really think he’s in love with multiple people all the way until the last day of filming, when he miraculously has clarity?
~ Colton’s had multiple women tell him they love him, but the one who doesn’t, is the one he loves. Ain’t that relatable.
~ Colton is shaking now.
~ Cassie says that staying there might be the wrong decision for her. She’s leaving.
~ “She’s going home!” – Bob Cole (Sorry, this one is just for me)
~ My heart just broke into a million pieces.
~ Colton is realizing now that HE SHOULD’VE KEPT DEMI.
~ He’s walking her out, realizing that this whole thing was a waste of time and he’s not going to end up with anyone.
~ Cassie wants him to be with someone who is insanely in love with him, which is her way of saying it’s not her.
~ Cassie is so stupid, you don’t ask him if he’s mad.
~ “I’m not mad.” – Colton
~ Hahahah oh, he’s furious.
~ Cassie puts herself in a van and closes the door.
~ I’m going to guess that all of Bachelor Nation officially hates Cassie.
~ I don’t hate Cassie. As misinformed as she may be about the format of this show and what being the final one entails, sometimes you gotta get yourself out of a situation that doesn’t feel right. She did that. Even if it looked frantic.
~ “I’m done. I’m done with this.” – Colton, to himself
~ He’s storming off and just pushed a camera! This really is Monday Night Raw.
~ Chris Harrison has emerged and is calling out to Colton, as he walks after him! This is like a chase scene in Halloween.
~ COLTON JUST JUMPED THE FENCE. HE’S LEAVING.
~ Colton just did the biggest “screw you” and jumped that fence so quick.
~ Production opens the fence for Chris to walk through.
~ The cameras can’t find Colton. Chris is calling out to him, as if people not wanting to be found ever reply to that.
~ “He hopped the fence and took off, I don’t know where he went.” – Chris Harrison
~ In a former life, Chris Harrison chased down villains from Scooby-Doo.
~ Colton jumped a fence in the middle of nowhere, in Portugal. He literally just disappeared.
~ This is a great opportunity for the show to pivot and rename itself, “Single & Afraid”.
~ How would they report a missing person in Portugal?
~ “Hi, the bachelor jumped the fence and ran away. We need him back, so he can dump two other women. They need closure and we need four more hours of footage.”
~ I mean, clearly they find him so, he’s okay, maybe a little broken hearted but he’s alive.
~ I’m just so happy we finally got the fence jump.
~ The show is over. Hannah G. may never get her overnight date.
~ I wonder how Hannah’s date is gonna go? Is there even a date? This is so stressful.
Tuesday night (tonight) is the annual Women Tell All episode, which is just a lot of bickering in front of a studio audience comprised of 93% women and 7% men, who were dragged there by their girlfriends.
I’ve made the executive decision that we’re not doing Viewing Notes for it. It’s too much. We’re overworked and underpaid.
Personally, I’m probably not going to watch it, outside of the parts where Demi graces us with her words.
Next week is the two-part season finale. See you then.