They started as strangers. And then they kissed. And then they travelled the world, without eating any food. How did it end up like this? And then Demi went home. Moment of silence for Dem-Dem. It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss. And now it all comes down to this. The Final Four. Hometowns. Angry Dads. Sisters who wish they were on the show. And houses that will be made a mess by the members of production. TONIGHT, onnnnn The Bachelor.
I’m coming for your job, Chris Harrison.
I’d like to welcome back Cass, who is just thrilled for tonight’s episode! Her thoughts will appear in bold.
It’s hometowns and guess who is not excited to watch yet another week of The Bachelor…
On another note, I think one of my brothers decided to play a sick joke on me and stop recording The Bachelor, so here I am starting an hour late and not able to fast forward….wish me luck.
Thrilled, I tell you!….Okay, now I just feel terrible.
~ Another episode starting with Colton in the shower…
~ This is not necessary. Are we going to zoom in on him clipping his toenails next? MIGHT AS WELL.
~ First stop, Caelynn’s hometown…in Fredericksburg, Virginia.
~ They’re hopping in the back of a horse and carriage. The camera caught a glimpse of the police escort following them.
~ Cute horse & buggy.
~ This is the slowest method of transportation they could’ve chosen. Romantic slowmantic.
~ After a quick stop for ice cream, they’re sitting in the woods. They’ve been banish-ed. If anyone understood that Shakespeare reference, it’s only because you listened to the audio version of Romeo & Juliet in Grade 9 English.
~ Caelynn’s family is standing around the backyard, like it’s an 8-year-old’s birthday party. There are 15 of them. Yes, I paused to count. You don’t get this kind of analysis on any other recap!
~ “I have these flowers for you.” – Colton
~ I hope he talks like that the whole night. Like, “I have no gift to bring” and then Caelynn will chime in with, “pa rum pum pum pum”.
~ Caelynn’s step-dad or dad (not sure what we call him), but John, is so not impressed already.
~ Caelynn’s sister, Ariana, pulls Caelynn away from dinner to talk.
~ Caelynn’s sister’s outfit is saying, “put me on TV please”.
~ They have a very bachelor-y conversation. It’s not a conversation siblings would normally have. I don’t know how else to explain it. Just watch the show, okay.
~ Time for Colton to talk to her mom.
~ “It’s hard as a parent to see this. Caelynn left and she didn’t even know you, now she’s bringing you home saying this is my future.” – Mama Caelynn with the truth bomb
~ Now we jump to Caelynn and her dad.
~ John (we’re on a first name basis) is asking Caelynn some super amazing questions.
~ Her dad says it sounds like Caelynn and Colton could be friends. Did he just friend zone them?
~ “I will always love you.” – John
~ The rest of the family has broken into song and dance. It’s turned into a Whitney Houston hometown musical. Chris Harrison on the piano! Oh wow!
~ None of that happened. I need to be a writer for this show.
~ Colton asks her dad for permission to marry Caelynn. There’s a dramatic pause. He grants permission.
~ JOHN WITH THE MIC DROP ANSWER.
~ Caelynn’s dad makes the Bachelor Hall of Fame, in the Dad Wing.
~ It’s the end of the night and Caelynn tells Colton that she’s fully in love with him. Is this real? They’ve never texted. They spent one day every 4-5 days together.
~ Next stop, Alabama.
~ It’s time for Hannah G.’s hometown date in Birmingham. Yee-haw?
~ I swear, if there is a horse on this date, I’m going to throw something.
~ Hannah G. is going to try and turn him into a perfect southern gentleman. She’s taking him to an etiquette class.
~ I’m dead, he’s learning how to be a southern gentleman.
~ This is the best date idea this show has ever had. Especially after the whole, “I have these flowers for you” line.
~ First lesson is to have great posture. He puts a book on his head and walks.
~ Second lesson is table manners.
~ There’s a proper way to eat bread, apparently. The teacher rips off a bird size portion of bread, BUTTERS IT, and then eats it.
~ Who knew there was a proper way to eat bread?
~ I’M RILED UP.
~ JUST CUT THE ROLL IN HALF, BUTTER EACH SIDE, AND STUFF YOUR FACE.
~ Southern Ontario does not adhere to this same butter application method. Swiss Chalet doesn’t provide enough butter, anyway.
~ Colton finally has a good point, who has time to eat bread properly?
~ At the end of the lesson, the teacher tells him to be himself. NO. YOU CAN’T DO THAT NOW. YOU’RE ALREADY IN HIS HEAD.
~ Only in the south.
~ Time to meet the family. There are nine members waiting to greet them, including Hannah’s mom, Beth.
~ Beth is getting territorial over Hannah.
~ Four girls pull Hannah away from dinner to talk to her. It’s like a backwards talk show.
~ “What are your intentions with my daughter?” – Hannah’s Dad
~ “Y’all known each other for a month, on and off.” – Hannah’s Dad is stealing my thoughts!
~ I think I’m destined to be a father on The Bachelor, but I’d never let my kids go on the show, so…
~ Hannah is now telling her mom all the reasons why she thinks Colton’s the one for her. Her mom has a skeptical look on her face.
~ Colton just asked her dad for permission to marry Hannah. He grants his blessing.
~ Hannah’s dad caved so quick there.
~ Do these Bachelor Dad’s have a union? They should.
~ Hannah & Colton making out like high school kids on the front bench was unnecessary.
~ 2 down, 2 to go.
~ Time to go to Santa Ana, California, to meet Tayshia’s family.
~ “We’re in Orange County!” – Tayshia
~ No, Tayshia. NO. That’s not how they welcome people to Orange County on The OC. Try it again, and make sure you’re at a beach party when you say it.
~ I don’t see no oranges.
~ Tayshia is putting a blindfold on him. Did he forget his sunglasses?
~ Blindfolds already?? Kinky girl…
~ “This is not a Bird Box challenge.” – Tayshia
~ Bird Box came out in December, on Netflix. This show filmed from September to November. How could she possibly make that reference?
~ Well, Tayshia wasn’t on camera when the line was said, so I think they probably had interviews with her post-show and spliced the audio in there, rather seamlessly.
~ They do that a lot. They grab half sentences from different times and put them together. You can hear it when the audio level changes, mid-sentence.
~ Tayshia is taking the wheel, while Colton is blindfolded.
~ “I’m a great driver.”…as she’s holding his hand while driving. #DistractedDriver
~ “I’m a great driver, promise.”…as she hits a crazy pothole.
~ She’s taken him to an airport to go skydiving. If he hadn’t been wearing a blindfold, would he have tucked and rolled out of a moving car?
~ Colton is terrified. He could be plunging to his death, while his future his wife could show up to the next rose ceremony and wonder why he’s not there.
~ Colton’s scared, I’m scared, we’re all scared.
~ “Please let me survive so I can lose my virginity” – OMG the best prayer I have ever heard.
~ “Tayshia, she’s crazy.” – Colton
~ THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD’VE KEPT DEMI. WE COULD BE MEETING HER FAMILY RIGHT NOW BUT NOOOO, YOU’RE JUMPING OUT OF PLANES.
~ They jump from the plane as the song, Brand New by Ben Recter plays.
~ This is the first time since 2003 that I’ve recognized a song on this show. I can now officially retire.
~ He tells her he’s falling in love with her. What? Is he allowed to do that this early?
~ Pretty sure the bachelor/bachelorette can’t say “love you”.
~ Time to meet the family, but first, Tayshia asks him one last time what the names of her parents and brothers are.
~ “I have these flowers for you.” – Colton
~ Praise you, sweet baby Jesus, HE SAID IT AGAIN!! I’m laughing like a toddler. Oh man, this is too good.
~ Can’t he just say, “Thank you for having me, these are for you.”
~ Tayshia’s dad tells him at the dinner table that he doesn’t want to see Tayshia get hurt again.
~ Tayshia’s mom looks like she could be a contestant on the show, and I mean this in the most complimentary way possible.
~ Tayshia’s dad is asking Colton how he can fall in love with more than one person. He doesn’t care about the cameras, he’s coming out firing.
~ Tayshia’s dad’s questions are amazing.
~ Please join me in welcoming Tayshia’s Dad to the Dad Wing of the Bachelor Hall of Fame.
~ Colton’s asking for his blessing. HE DOESN’T GIVE IT!
~ HE DIDN’T GET HIS BLESSING.
~ “I just met you.” – Tayshia’s Dad
~ And now the family is breaking out in a musical number, performing Carly Rae Jepsen’s banger (did I use that word right, I’m so unhip it hurts…
my hip), Call Me Maybe. Chris Harrison on the piano, ladies and gentlemen!
~ None of that happened. This show still hasn’t hired me as a writer.
~ Tayshia’s Dad is now a two-time member of the Bachelor Hall of Fame. Don’t ask me how or why, he just is.
~ Colton sits down with her brother, who says he’s going to be in the FBI one day. This is wonderful.
~ “Who’s this Colton guy?” – Tayshia’s Dad
~ Three-time member of the Bachelor Hall of Fame. Book it.
~ “You don’t microwave relationships.” – Tayshia’s Dad
~ Four-time member of the BHOF.
~ Desmond, Sr. is his name, spitting truth is his game.
~ Oh no, he’s now telling Colton he has permission to marry his daughter. What the heck, Desmond?
~ We’re gonna knock him back down to a three-time member of the BHOF. No one gets married on this show unless it’s The Bachelorette.
~ Finally, date number four.
~ Time for Cassie’s date in Huntington Beach. He runs to her on a beach. Fitting.
~ She’s teaching him how to surf, which is probably a lost cause.
~ He looks like a fish out of water. GET IT? Sorry.
~ Time to meet the family. They already seem skeptical, as they wait. This dad is going to be tough, you can already tell.
~ Cassie’s dad is the man!
~ “He seems like a…guy.” – Cassie’s Dad
~ We may have a first ballot Hall of Famer on our hands.
~ Her dad looks very uncomfortable that Colton hasn’t stopped touching Cassie since they entered the house.
~ Her sister gets a cue from a producer and pulls Cassie aside to talk.
~ “I’m still not completely there.” – Cassie
~ Cassie’s sister also looks like she could be a contestant on the show. Actually, she looks like she could be a stand-in for Cassie.
~ All these parents are smart to question why this guy is dating multiple people at the same time, yet proclaims to be falling in love with their daughter.
~ Personally, I don’t think I could fall in love with four different people over the course of six weeks. CALL ME CRAZY.
~ Cassie tells her dad that she doesn’t know if she can see herself getting engaged, but she sees potential.
~ “Oh my gosh, I’m not dumb.” – Cassie
~ “I think you need more than a couple of random dates to fall in love with someone.” – Cassie’s Dad
~ Welcome to the Hall of Fame, sir. He kinda looks like Doug Gilmour.
~ Like, this is hands down the best conversation any dad can have with a guy dating how many gals.
~ So many tough questions were asked tonight.
~ Colton asks him for permission to propose.
~ HE SAYS IT WOULD BE A PREMATURE BLESSING. THAT’S A NO.
~ Two-time Hall of Famer. Let’s go.
~ Finally Rose Ceremony time, this has been the longest night ever.
~ They arrive one by one, hurrah hurrah, and are greeted by the elusive, Chris Harrison.
~ Alright, let’s do this.
~ Hannah G. arrives first
and asks Chris how he butters his bread.
~ Tayshia arrives second
and asks Chris if he wants to jump out of a plane.
~ Caelynn arrives third and I have no fake line that she says to Chris.
~ Cassies arrives last
and her dad has come with her!
~ Hannah gets the first rose. Wow, the bread and butter thing isn’t a deal breaker?
~ Tayshia gets the second rose.
~ Cassie gets the final rose!
~ Caelynn is going home. Well, she doesn’t have to, but she can’t stay here.
~ OMG NO
~ Caelynn is going home.
~ I was really, really rooting for her.
~ He walks her out and she’s cutting a babyface wrestling promo right now, full of tears and words like “blindsided” and “idiot”.
~ This is the scene that catapults her to be the bachelorette, isn’t it?
~ She thought she was getting engaged at the end of this, but Colton “fooled” her.
~ Colton has now pulled Chris aside to talk to him. Meanwhile, the girls can’t contain themselves over their excitement for the fantasy suite.
~ Alright, calm down. Your parents and nosy relatives are watching.
~ Next week, Colton jumps the fence.
~ And that’s a wrap on hometowns. Let’s hope my DVR works next week because this was rough and it’s way past my bed time!
Big thanks to Cass for watching this without being able to skip commercials! I appreciate it, though I probably would’ve told you to preserve your sanity and not bother.