Happy Tuesday to those who celebrate. Welcome to the most dramatic viewing notes of your life.
Joining me once again is Cass to provide her unique insights! She’s basically become a co-host for these recaps. We aim to take the “ache” out of “Bachelorette”. Clever, right? Right? I’ll be quiet now.
Thank you Paul for having me back, I have opted for no snacks tonight due to the intense episode ahead. It’s finally happening. I have never been so excited/stressed for an episode.
Cass’ thoughts will be in bold.
Pack it up, pack it in, let us begin:
~ It’s a rainy day in Bachelorville as all the guys are in sweaters, chowing down on breakfast. Looks like they’re five minutes away from cuddling and watching movies on Netflix for the rest of the day.
~ David the Chicken tells us Model J (Jordan) ran around the house naked last night.
~ Meanwhile, Model J calls David a dry chicken who makes scrambled eggs all day.
~ In walks Chris Harrison and his sleeves are rolled up for the first time this season. Call off the search party, I’ve located his wrists!
~ “Mornin’ boys.” – Chris H.
~ The Chris Harrison Fella Counter remains at two.
~ “Thanks for wearing clothes today.” – Thank you, Chris
~ There will be two group dates and a one-on-one date.
~ Going on the first date are: Wills, the detective from Twin Peaks (Jason), Model J, David the Chicken, Jean Blanc aka Johnny Scents, and Colton.
~ So ready for this first group date.
~ Meanwhile, Becca is in her room and has prepared a dessert and fruit platter. They already ate breakfast, Becca! Look at the clock!
~ Oh what, her girlfriends from last season have arrived.
~ “I feel like I needed this, it’s been a lot of men.” Damn Becs.
~ This is such a set up for Tia and Colton to “run into each other.”
~ Omg, Tia can you spill already. We need to know what happened.
~ Holy shit, did he think Tia was the bachelorette?
~ Becca is now acting like a talk show host as the five girls sit on the other couch and answer in unison.
~ Are these really her closest friends, or just the ones who give a good sound byte/want more fame?
~ Becs, those are some awful sandals.
~ Think it’s okay if I call her Becs? We are on week 3 & I feel like I know her so well at this point…it’s happening.
~ I think it’s fine. Think I can get away with using nicknames for people too? Oh…right.
~ It’s going to be a spa date so Becca puts on a robe and goes to stand in the parking lot, as if she’s retrieving the morning paper at 6am. It’s mid-morning! Look at the clock!
~ Wills is wearing a sweater with his name on it. That’s helpful.
~ The guys walk in and the other girls are also in robes. This has turned spa-wkward.
~ Tia & Colton both blushed, we need to know the whole story.
~ Colton is freaking out that Tia is there, but on channel 7 of the producers’ walkie-talkies, they’re laughing their ratings off.
~ I would be scared too, Colton.
~ OMG, Becs forgot Jason’s name…come on girl.
~ See, it’s easier to refer to him as the detective from Twin Peaks.
~ Jason has turned into Colton’s confidant for the Tia situation.
~ Jeeze Jason, of course there is an elephant in the room. Duh.
~ Just to clarify what this “spa” date is, Becca took her boyfriends on a date so they could pamper five of her friends. There’s a Spice Girls lyric reference in here somewhere.
~ The guys are getting their nails painted.
~ These guys are true team players, nail polish on National TV. Currently searching for your masculinity.
~ Now Becca is getting her neck and feet rubbed, simultaneously. Was this in her contract?
~ “I’m so happy I shaved my legs today.” – said every girl ever.
~ “For the right reasons”. Drink!
~ I can’t get over these sandals.
~ Becca sits down with Tia.
~ Colton’s sweating buckets, guys.
~ Holy Smokes, we got the story finally.
~ They’re trying to figure out if Colton applied to the show hoping Tia would be the bachelorette. Why don’t you just ask him? Why is this hard?
~ She brought six guys on a date where they can get close with five other women, but she’s worried about Colton applying to the show hoping for someone else?
~ Open your eyes! Look at the clock! It’s happening right in front of you! They’re all canoodling!
~ So real question: Did Colton sign up thinking it was Tia? Does he really want Becs?
~ I’m assuming Tia, but that’s just me!
~ I just don’t understand why he’d go through the obstacle that is this show, hoping it’s Tia, and risking her falling for someone else, when he already knew her? Maybe I missed something.
~ Hmm, maybe they are dating in real life somewhere.
~ Back to Becs.
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date.
~ Johnny Scents pulls her away first and take out a whisk he stole(?) from the spa. Does he also want to make scrambled eggs all day?
~ Becca tells What’s His Face aka The Detective from Twin Peaks aka Jason, she has a crush on him and then they ate each other’s faces for lunch.
~ Jason seems like the marrying type, plus he has a big boy job.
~ Model J reached 4000 matches on Tinder in 2017. His phone screen now has a permanent indentation from all the swiping.
~ How did his fingers not break?
~ “I’m very selective on swipes.” – Omg Jordan
~ Foghorn Leghorn (David) spends his time with Becca talking about Jordan’s Tinder activity. Is he an undercover informant? If so, why’d he take off his chicken costume?
~ Colton looks like Morgan Rielly.
~ “I’m a golden retriever.” – Go home, Jordan
~ David the Chicken won’t stop antagonizing Model J. These two are pulling off what’s known in wrestling as the double turn, where the good guy becomes annoying, and the bad guy becomes likeable.
~ She just high five’d Jordan. I mean, I agree it’s a serious accomplishment.
~ I can’t even hold a conversation on Bumble, let alone match with guys.
~ OMG Team Chicken & Team Model. NO.
~ Model J has a three-year modelling contract and says “professionality” is attached to him.
~ David and Jordan’s argument right now.
~ Wills and Jason cracking up.
~ Jason summed it up: “That was awesome.”
~ Back at Harrison Manor, Chris R. aka Eddie from Friends gets the one-on-one date. I didn’t realize he was a main character on this show.
~ We’re 40 minutes into the episode and Becca still can’t wrap her head around the Colton and Tia thing, so she decides to sit down with him. It took this long. Look at the clock!
~ Colton tells her his emotions are strong for her and that’s it, she’s sold. They’re gonna do the damn thing.
~ Becca gives Colton the group date rose.
~ How the hell did Colton get this rose? What the hell?
~ Was she really that worried about his relationship with Tia, or did the producers just want her to play it up?
~ As we head to commercial, we get previews of a guy (possibly David) being stretchered out of the house and someone says it looked like he was attacked by a bear.
~ If so, Chris H. will have to sit down with the “fellas” and remind them that David isn’t actually a chicken and you can’t eat him for dinner.
~ Eddie from Friends is now on his date.
~ Great shot of the Hollywood sign, ABC.
~ Becca and Chris R. are in a limo and she tells him they’re going to Capitol Records. Chris laughs.
~ That was an exaggerated laugh.
~ They arrive and piano player, Richard Marx, is (right here) waiting for them.
~ Richard tells them they’re going to write a love song. They look at him as if he’s speaking Vietnamese.
~ It’s difficult for Chris R. to be vulnerable and write his feelings down, which means once again, channel 7 on the producers walkies is filled with hip-hop hoorays.
~ This date is boring…just saying.
~ Chris and Becca exchange rhyming couplets and then Richard sings it.
~ I’ll be honest, I cannot lie, this date is boring, why why WHY?
~ UHM WHAT!
~ Oh noooo, ABC just cut into a special report about two world leaders going on an exotic overnight date in Singapore or something. I had to fast forward 15 minutes until the show returned.
~ If this means the Rose Ceremony gets cut off…
~ Back at the house, the next group date is for Clay and…why did the feed cut away to an episode of Mom? What is happening!?!
~ So why am I watching Mom right now…thanks for avoiding the ambulance scene ABC.
~ Oh, the show is back. Someone is trying to sabotage me.
~ NOW THE SHOW SKIPPED PASSED THE STRETCHER SCENE. ALL THERE WAS WAS A BLOODY TOWEL ON THE GROUND.
~ Bring back Becca’s friends from the first episode, they gotta sage the place again.
~ Chris Harrison has gone to meet with Becca to fill her, and us, in.
~ “There was an incident at the house last night. One of your guys was rushed to the hospital last night and he’s in intensive care.”
~ It’s DAVID.
~ Foghorn’s got a busted beak.
~ He fell out of bed and landed on his face. Internally, I am laughing so hard.
~ “He fell out of bed.” – WTF
~ WE MISSED SO MUCH!
~ Becca calls him to check in. He’s blaming the size of the bed for this, claiming he’s used to a King size bed.
~ I believe him. I once banged my head on the wall in residence at school, thinking my alarm was on that side of the bed, nope, it was on the other side. I wasn’t used to it.
~ I also once answered the Kleenex box instead of my phone. The darn thing wouldn’t stop ringing! I live by a simple motto: Don’t call me while I’m sleeping, and I won’t call you while I’m sleeping.
~ Jordan just put guard rails on David’s bed.
~ “Chicken’s can’t fly.”
~ Time for the group date. There are ten of them. They’re on a football field.
~ Two women from the Legends Football League, formerly known as the Lingerie Football League, are there.
~ These are some badass girls. I wish I was this badass.
~ Why is Becca incapable of going on a date without a bunch of chaperones?
~ These boys are so athletic.
~ They’re wearing hockey helmets with visors. High sticking will not be tolerated on the gridiron, gang!
~ Have to agree with Becs, these boys are looking good.
~ Lincoln can’t side step.
~ “I’m kinda scared, but I’m really excited.” – Blake
~ John the Poet has never played football before but will take hits if he has to, for Becca’s heart. Orrrrr you could avoid getting tackled and get a touchdown??
~ My goodness, John is going to be playing football.
~ New Moral Compass Clay is showing off his football prowess.
~ Clay is totally in his element.
~ It’s game time! What time is it? Game time! Look at the clock!
~ This “Look at the clock” catchphrase fits into every aspect of this show.
~ I believe Connor is trying to determine his jockstrap size.
~ “Medium or small?” – lol Connor
~ Team White huddles together and grunts.
~ In the other locker room, Clay reads his team the riot act.
~ “This is our game and we’re gonna win it, and we’re gonna celebrate with Becca afterward! Let’s go!” – Clay
~ If that doesn’t get you pumped up, anything else probably will.
~ Chris Harrison and former Tampa Bay Buccaneer (Beccaneer??), Keyshawn Johnson, are there to provide play-by-play for the first and last Becca Bowl.
~ I used to own a Buccaneers hoodie. It was warm, just like Tampa Bay…and hoodies.
~ What just happened? The show snapped back to Chris Harrison in Becca’s room. This PVR recording has a mind of its own.
~ WOAH WOAH WOAH, back in the Team White locker room, the guys are screaming, “What time is it!? WHAT TIME IS IT!?”
~ They must’ve heard me!
~ “Everybody on their team sucks.” – Tarzan, professional trash talker
~ Leo with the lines again.
~ The game has started and Clay is the QB for Team Blue. Touchdown!
~ Team White comes back with a TD of their own.
~ Lincoln is clueless on the field. He’s like a streaker that no one has noticed yet.
~ Former Globetrotter Christon breaks free for a touchdown run.
~ Yes Becs, this is totally hot (sorry Paul).
~ These viewing notes will never be the same.
~ Garrett had a crazy tackle on Mike.
~ Garrett with the QB sneak for a TD for Team White.
~ Clay intercepts the ball and laterals it to Blake, who takes it all the way for a touchdown.
~ Damn it, Clay is in his element.
~ Clay is down 7, and pulls a Michael Vick circa Madden 2004, and QB sneaks it from the 30 yard line for a TD.
~ The Becca Bowl ends in a tie! I blame Bud Selig.
~ Clay is hurt in the end zone. He’s got a big ouchy boo-boo on his wrist. And in comes another ambulance to take him to the ER. I probably shouldn’t joke about this one.
~ There clearly was a lot of ambulances for one episode.
~ Are they going to FaceTime David and Clay for the Rose Ceremony?
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date.
~ Becca’s outfit is on point.
~ What is this? A velvet, silver bath robe? I’d wear it.
~ Garrett has Becca pick him up, before they end up kissing. I feel like that’s something penguins do. Oh, did I say that out loud?
~ Garrett, you aren’t Clay. Stop with this “tackling” lesson.
~ Tarzan (Leo) just kissed her but we couldn’t see it because his hair was in the way.
~ Blake is glad they formed their Hair B&B partnership before she got to build bonds with the other guys.
~ “I just want to take a nap with you.” – Becca
~ Blake says he just wants to cuddle and watch scary movies. Did I not say that in my first viewing note of the night?
~ Becca is giddy that he called her his girlfriend.
~ I would be giddy too if Blake called me his girlfriend, just saying.
~ Clay has returned with a sling! His wrist might be broken. Becca chuckles.
~ Clay’s back and Becs is smitten.
~ Clay gets the group date rose and that’s where my recording of this show ends. Coming up next is the Rose Ceremony, surely.
~ Cass, it’s all yours! Bring it home. I’ll make notes on your notes.
~ Yes, Jason, this has been an interesting night.
~ I’d be happy too, Becs, if I was kissing 18 guys that were this athletic and sung my praises.
~ #Cassette2019. It’s like “Bachelorette” but your name takes the place of “Bachelor” so it’s Cassette and then ABC can market the season as “Praises will be sung” or something because cassettes play music and…yeah. Think about it.
~ OMG Clay is talking about leaving.
~ So he needs surgery, but does not want to leave.
~ Wait…he’s leaving.
~ Don’t cry, Cass. Keep it together, girl.
~ Becs clearly really liked him.
~ That was heartbreaking.
~ Any other way to describe it?
~ Only way to describe tonight’s episode. Wow.
There was no Rose Ceremony. That’ll be at the start of the next episode, I assume.
Thank you, Cass, for saving my bacon with the end of this episode!
Thanks for reading!