1. My newest comedy bit is: going up to my dad when he’s about to eat a pear and asking, “Do you want a pear, or just one?”
2. The horizon line of a vertical photo should be called the verizon line and Verizon should incorporate that into a marketing campaign. You’re welcome.
3. I don’t think I’ve ever seen three squirrels in the same place at the same time. Something is fishy, nay, squirrely about this.
4. Sometimes I imagine bald eagles going around all day saying, “Respect your elders!” and, “You won’t be laughing when your hair falls out!”
4.5 Do some bald eagles wear a toupée?
5. The last time I was this desperate for a new TV series to watch on Netflix, I accidentally watched a romantic comedy, starring Anna Kendrick, and liked it.
6. A few days ago, an episode of the Cat-chelorette was being filmed in my backyard. One cat was on the ledge of the deck staring off into the abyss, while it’s paw-tential suitor was off filming a one-on-one interview in the next yard.
7. There were five pieces of tape on the pastry box I tried to open yesterday. Might as well of been in a straitjacket.
8. I don’t like the “Ref you suck” chants at sporting events.
9. It’s been two weeks since my mom said I looked like a wheelbarrow. I still don’t have a rebuttal, so I guess it’s true.
10. Last week, Brian Burke stepped down as President of the Calgary Flames. Five minutes before the news broke, a random thought appeared in my head. The thought was, “I wonder when Burke’s time runs out in Calgary?”
10.5 Further proof I’m psychic.
11. Every time I open a new jar of peanut butter, I feel the need for a moment of silence to remember the cracker I once lost at the bottom of the jar because I got over ambitious with my scooping.
12. Don’t fake smile now, but we are four weeks away from the return of my Bachelorette Viewing Notes series. If you’re new to this, you’re in for a treat.
13. I’m no fashion expert, but a hoodie with shorts will always be “in”. Weather permitting.
14. My Twitter feed has become a compilation of tweets from yesterday and tweets liked by my followers. Recent tweets will be seen tomorrow because Twitter won’t let us have a chronological feed.
15. I’m writing this post while listening to a song called Rollercoaster, by Bleachers. I had never heard it before I started typing this post.
16. I think we need to stage an intervention on how men’s shorts are made these days. Every year, they’re slowly climbing higher and higher up my leg. Pretty soon they’ll be so high, they’ll be a tank top.
16.5 Just a little above the knee, and c’est la vie.
17. “Eggs are good for you. Eggs will kill you.” – The Internet
18. Every Formula 1 race should be held in Baku, Azerbaijan.
19. The Washington Wizards are the kid who brings their own basketball to play with at school and gets really mad when anyone else touches it.
20. If I were ever a comedian (I basically am), I would never use politics for material. What’s the point? You made a joke about a politician, woohoo! Go you!
20.5 I made a joke about bald eagles wearing toupées earlier. That is a million times funnier, and a kabillathousand times more original.
21. Is there a strong positive correlation between people who use the caption, “Take me back” and those who use, “Dare to be different”, or is there a flaw in my research?
22. My stomach was making so many noises earlier, I thought I swallowed a waterpark.
23. It’s not a Sunday Night Baseball broadcast unless you can hear the sound of dirt and cleats on bases. We get it, the players aren’t Casper. Enough!
24. Dunk-a-Roos were overrated. So were cheese strings. I’ve never had a fruit roll up, but those also seem overrated.
25. I could never own a water bed. I’d make a joke about wetting the bed every single day.
26. If you want to make bicycles the most appealing method of transportation, stop putting so many amenities in cars.
26.5 People aren’t going to activate their sensitive sweat glands, when they can sit in an air conditioned car and have access to a drive thru.
27. In my mind, American Idol peaked in Season 5 (2006) – the night Chris Daughtry was surprisingly eliminated and denied a spot in the Top 3. We don’t get those “Where were you when” TV moments anymore.
28. According to a recent dream of mine, cellphones are just chocolate bars in disguise.
29. I don’t trust social media influencers. They are being paid to persuade me to spend money. They are the modern day telemarketer. WAKE UP, PEOPLE.
30. The best pickles are never at the top of the jar.
31. The phrase, “First is the worst, second is the best” actually refers to batches of pancakes. The first batch is always the worst.
32. Fanny Packs need a new name if they ever want to be “hip” again. My suggestion is, Convenient Carriage.
32.5 ConCar for short.
32.75 The cheap rip-offs will be called, Handy Carriages. Those will be controversial for many reasons.
33. Who decided the order in which we say Tic-Tac-Toe?
34. Writing songs doesn’t always take talent. Sometimes you just need a strong desire to receive a hippopotamus for Christmas.
35. Social media has gotten to the point where people post the same things on the same day, every year.
36. Which toll-free number will never go hungry? One-ate-ate-ate.
37. I don’t trust people who make unintentional puns.
38. If Toys R Us had an Adults R Us spin-off store, they’d still be in business. I’m picturing rows and rows of Easy-Bake Blenders.
39. It’s so hard to find a good cover of “Tonight, Tonight” by The Smashing Pumpkins.
40. I live in constant fear of a “What does the fox say? Gotta get down on Friday” mashup.
41. The mom in Honey, I Shrunk The Kids was also Nathan’s mom in One Tree Hill.
41.5 Her fictional husbands are so different (How different are they?), they could be the final 2 on The Bachelorette.
42. I scream, you scream, we all scream for no reason.
43. Cellphones of the future will probably be able to rest on top of our ear, like a pencil.
43.5 New Slogan: The future is bright, but not as bright as your smartphone’s screen.
44. If I owned a bakery, “Baguettes longer than your attention span” would be written on a chalkboard inside. It would help me appeal to my “clever and never offended” clientele.
45. Domo arigato, Mr. Risotto.
46. “Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care” should’ve been the official lyric of FarmVille.
47. Colours are just people names if you make the first letter into a word.
47.2 B Lue (Be Lue. Be-Lue-ti-ful)
47.4 R Ed (Who’s Ed? Our Ed)
47.6 Y, Ell? Ow. (Clearly the colour yellow has issues)
47.8 Or, Ange. (Options are nice)
48. My mind comes up with the strangest things.
49. You could always tell how cheap a pencil is based on how quickly the eraser gets bent out of shape and falls off.
50. Every brownie is a two-bite brownie if you try hard and believe in yourself.
@CappyTalks on Twitter