50 Thoughts XIX

1. My newest comedy bit is: going up to my dad when he’s about to eat a pear and asking, “Do you want a pear, or just one?”

2. The horizon line of a vertical photo should be called the verizon line and Verizon should incorporate that into a marketing campaign. You’re welcome.

3. I don’t think I’ve ever seen three squirrels in the same place at the same time. Something is fishy, nay, squirrely about this.

4. Sometimes I imagine bald eagles going around all day saying, “Respect your elders!” and, “You won’t be laughing when your hair falls out!”

4.5 Do some bald eagles wear a toupée?

5. The last time I was this desperate for a new TV series to watch on Netflix, I accidentally watched a romantic comedy, starring Anna Kendrick, and liked it.

6. A few days ago, an episode of the Cat-chelorette was being filmed in my backyard. One cat was on the ledge of the deck staring off into the abyss, while it’s paw-tential suitor was off filming a one-on-one interview in the next yard.

7. There were five pieces of tape on the pastry box I tried to open yesterday. Might as well of been in a straitjacket.

8. I don’t like the “Ref you suck” chants at sporting events.

9. It’s been two weeks since my mom said I looked like a wheelbarrow. I still don’t have a rebuttal, so I guess it’s true.

10. Last week, Brian Burke stepped down as President of the Calgary Flames. Five minutes before the news broke, a random thought appeared in my head. The thought was, “I wonder when Burke’s time runs out in Calgary?”

10.5 Further proof I’m psychic.

11. Every time I open a new jar of peanut butter, I feel the need for a moment of silence to remember the cracker I once lost at the bottom of the jar because I got over ambitious with my scooping.

12. Don’t fake smile now, but we are four weeks away from the return of my Bachelorette Viewing Notes series. If you’re new to this, you’re in for a treat.

13. I’m no fashion expert, but a hoodie with shorts will always be “in”. Weather permitting.

14. My Twitter feed has become a compilation of tweets from yesterday and tweets liked by my followers. Recent tweets will be seen tomorrow because Twitter won’t let us have a chronological feed.

15. I’m writing this post while listening to a song called Rollercoaster, by Bleachers. I had never heard it before I started typing this post.

16. I think we need to stage an intervention on how men’s shorts are made these days. Every year, they’re slowly climbing higher and higher up my leg. Pretty soon they’ll be so high, they’ll be a tank top.

16.5 Just a little above the knee, and c’est la vie.

17. “Eggs are good for you. Eggs will kill you.” – The Internet

18. Every Formula 1 race should be held in Baku, Azerbaijan.

19. The Washington Wizards are the kid who brings their own basketball to play with at school and gets really mad when anyone else touches it.

20. If I were ever a comedian (I basically am), I would never use politics for material. What’s the point? You made a joke about a politician, woohoo! Go you!

20.5 I made a joke about bald eagles wearing toupées earlier. That is a million times funnier, and a kabillathousand times more original.

21. Is there a strong positive correlation between people who use the caption, “Take me back” and those who use, “Dare to be different”, or is there a flaw in my research?

22. My stomach was making so many noises earlier, I thought I swallowed a waterpark.

23. It’s not a Sunday Night Baseball broadcast unless you can hear the sound of dirt and cleats on bases. We get it, the players aren’t Casper. Enough!

24. Dunk-a-Roos were overrated. So were cheese strings. I’ve never had a fruit roll up, but those also seem overrated.

25. I could never own a water bed. I’d make a joke about wetting the bed every single day.

26. If you want to make bicycles the most appealing method of transportation, stop putting so many amenities in cars.

26.5 People aren’t going to activate their sensitive sweat glands, when they can sit in an air conditioned car and have access to a drive thru.

27. In my mind, American Idol peaked in Season 5 (2006) – the night Chris Daughtry was surprisingly eliminated and denied a spot in the Top 3. We don’t get those “Where were you when” TV moments anymore.

28. According to a recent dream of mine, cellphones are just chocolate bars in disguise.

29. I don’t trust social media influencers. They are being paid to persuade me to spend money. They are the modern day telemarketer. WAKE UP, PEOPLE.

30. The best pickles are never at the top of the jar.

31. The phrase, “First is the worst, second is the best” actually refers to batches of pancakes. The first batch is always the worst.

32. Fanny Packs need a new name if they ever want to be “hip” again. My suggestion is, Convenient Carriage.

32.5 ConCar for short.

32.75 The cheap rip-offs will be called, Handy Carriages. Those will be controversial for many reasons.

33. Who decided the order in which we say Tic-Tac-Toe?

34. Writing songs doesn’t always take talent. Sometimes you just need a strong desire to receive a hippopotamus for Christmas.

35. Social media has gotten to the point where people post the same things on the same day, every year.

36. Which toll-free number will never go hungry? One-ate-ate-ate.

37. I don’t trust people who make unintentional puns.

38. If Toys R Us had an Adults R Us spin-off store, they’d still be in business. I’m picturing rows and rows of Easy-Bake Blenders.

39. It’s so hard to find a good cover of “Tonight, Tonight” by The Smashing Pumpkins.

40. I live in constant fear of a “What does the fox say? Gotta get down on Friday” mashup.

41. The mom in Honey, I Shrunk The Kids was also Nathan’s mom in One Tree Hill.

41.5 Her fictional husbands are so different (How different are they?), they could be the final 2 on The Bachelorette.

42. I scream, you scream, we all scream for no reason.

43. Cellphones of the future will probably be able to rest on top of our ear, like a pencil.

43.5 New Slogan: The future is bright, but not as bright as your smartphone’s screen.

44. If I owned a bakery, “Baguettes longer than your attention span” would be written on a chalkboard inside. It would help me appeal to my “clever and never offended” clientele.

45. Domo arigato, Mr. Risotto.

46. “Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care” should’ve been the official lyric of FarmVille.

47. Colours are just people names if you make the first letter into a word.

47.2 B Lue (Be Lue. Be-Lue-ti-ful)

47.4 R Ed (Who’s Ed? Our Ed)

47.6 Y, Ell? Ow. (Clearly the colour yellow has issues)

47.8 Or, Ange. (Options are nice)

48. My mind comes up with the strangest things.

49. You could always tell how cheap a pencil is based on how quickly the eraser gets bent out of shape and falls off.

50. Every brownie is a two-bite brownie if you try hard and believe in yourself.

@CappyTalks on Twitter

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About Paul

I don't know what my blog is about.
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29 Responses to 50 Thoughts XIX

  1. vinnieh says:

    I like this type of post. The stream of consciousness is excellent.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sophia Ball says:

    Okay, weirdly, I had JUST read an article about #33.

    https://bbs.hrmtc.com/t/if-there-are-three-words-then-the-order-has-to-go-i-a-o/2113

    https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/sep/13/sentence-order-adjectives-rule-elements-of-eloquence-dictionary

    Oh man, I hope this comment doesn’t get flagged as spam, cause links. But there ya go. Apparently someone HAS decided the order of tic tac toe, long ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Squid says:

    YOU CHANGED YOUR PROFILE PICTURE. I DIDN’T KNOW WHOSE BLOG I WAS READING FOR LIKE AN ENTIRE .5 SECONDS. (But, it’s a good picture, so, I approve. 👍)
    #3 WHAT. I guess Florida has a bunch of squirrels or something, then, because I got stalked in a park parking lot by like 5 one time. It was a little terrifying. They just followed like 7 feet behind me as I walked to my dad’s car. But the amount of them didn’t seem weird, just the behavior, lol.
    #4-5 Bald eagles… Aren’t… actually bald. Everything inside me hates that I’m laughing at the idea of this… 😂
    #7, 32-33, 46 YES OH MY GOODNESS
    #9 😂😂 I had to reread that multiple times… And I still had caps lock on when I typed “#9” and I was super worried 😁😕
    #16 ummm yes please let’s stop this trend
    #17 ACCURATE 😂
    #24 Fruit roll-ups… See, they were my childhood and I still love them, but I always feel so bad eating them because I couldn’t name one ingredient in them that is actually a food. 😬
    #43.5 MY FRIEND LITERALLY JUST SAID A FEW DAYS AGO, “Your phone screen is brighter than my future” #proofpaulispsychic
    #50 is so inspirational 😥😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I was wondering how the new photo would come across. I might do a post about it in a few days since I’m making some very minor changes around the blog.

      3. We have a lot of squirrels too and maybe I have seen 3 in the same place at the same time, but it’s more dramatic if I say otherwise lol
      4.5 THEY AREN’T BALD? (Pssst just go along with it?)
      24. Yeah what is in fruit roll-ups anyway?
      43.5 My psychic powers have no limits!
      50. SO inspirational

      Thanks Squid!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Squid says:

        If you are reading this, you or a loved one have found out the truth about “Bald” Eagles. This shock may take a long time to recover from and can cause many people to develop severe medical problems. This guide lists medical providers and therapists in your area to whom you can turn for help. If you have any additional concerns or questions, please call toll-free 1 (888) (#neverhungrynumbers)

        *fingerguns*

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Hahah! That’s more like it! Awareness is important.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Chichi says:

    Number 9 had me dead! I don’t see a rebuttal coming from there. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. micqu says:

    Great pic. And the bald eagles with a toupée made me laugh out loud. Really loud. I love these posts. So much fodder for thought and enthusiastic nodding going on on my side of the screen.

    Merci Paul.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thank you! I was unsure about the photo, so it’s good to hear positive feedback.
      I’m glad it made you laugh! I was chuckling myself over the toupée comment. It’s not something I’d ever though of until I wrote it down.

      And I appreciate the retweet! 🙂 Have a great week!

      Like

  6. Becky Turner says:

    Okay SO number 23. When I managed my high school’s baseball team, when we went to away games, a few of the dugouts had concrete floors (rather than just dirt) and the WORST sound ever is cleats on concrete. Especially when they boys would all run out of the dugout onto the field. But it was a give and take because the concrete floor dugouts normally had the best benches. (And I was particular about my benches since I spent most of the game sitting on them. Or at the fence.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      How did you survive?? It’s like a never ending tap dance with a few scrapes every now and then. Also, please tell me you referred to yourself as Bench Boss Becky.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Becky Turner says:

        Barely. Thankfully, it was only at one dugout, I think, but it was horrible. And no I didn’t call myself that. Maybe that would have earned me more respect haha. I was like their mom, though, and fed them, so I guess that still makes me a boss.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. These are my favourite posts on the internet, and I would say I don’t get excited about much else but I am actually waiting impatiently for the Bachelorette to start so I can watch it through your notes.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ely says:

    1-LMFAO now next time he is eating an orange please walk up to him very calmly and say “Now. orange you glad I’m not gonna hit you with some joke about eating an orange??!” BOOM! You’re welcome.
    6- OMFG really Paul?! CATCHERLORETTE?! Paw-tential?! Ahaha! But in the end did she find the PURRRR-fact one or what?!
    13- AGREED!
    17- LMFAO (that is all)
    24- just like GO-GURTS LIKE look kid- STFU and eat a regular yogurt like a normal person you aren’t special.
    30- you know where the best pickles are, actually? NO WHERE. Because they’re awful. Lol!! #zeroJudgement
    32- fanny packs= HIP-SLINGERS.
    No? Meh. I try.
    36- OHHHHH man I’m gonna USE this!!! Lol
    40- I wanted come up with something super clever like Actually The Fox Says… because like I’m the fox right? But nothing I got nothing Paul. Lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      1. Future blog post title: “I was struck by an orange: Fruit by the foot”
      6. Haha she didn’t find the purrrfect one. He was a bit of a dog.
      30. You’ve clearly had a middle of the jar pickle!! Ok that sounded weird let’s move on fast
      32. HIP SLINGERS! You win.

      It would be cool if you did a list like this with your own spin on it! 40 Fox (Not) Given or something, I don’t know

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Tanushka says:

    #1 would not work because we pronounce it PEE-ur (rhymes with fur).

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ariel Lynn says:

    In re, 16 & 16.5: Don’t tell me that about men’s shorts. Please. I wear men’s shorts for exactly that reason – women’s shorts are, essentially, a bandeau top split in two. Plus, they have fake pockets.

    MEN’S SHORTS AT A REASONABLE LENGTH FOREVER! *goes to start a petition & march*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I think the athletic shorts are fine. It’s the other men’s shorts – the ones you need a belt with, that are getting shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        Huh… men have 2 different types of shorts? Isn’t that a bit excessive? 😉

        I feel your pain, though. I have for years. Women’s shorts have pockets that your change won’t even fit in & they tend to end somewhere around the navel; & those are the longer ones! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Little Rants says:

    Dying!! These are some of my favorite posts that you do. Also, Cat-chelorette, sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Myka says:

    HIII there! Oh my goodness. Where the [hell] have I been?! Here we go:

    6. “One cat was on the ledge of the deck staring off into the abyss.” LOL Omg. This happens every. single. episode. I always find myself wondering how awkward it must be to film those scenes

    9. A wheelbarrow? LOL were you…doing, yoga?

    12. “Don’t fake smile now, but we are four weeks away from the return of my Bachelorette Viewing Notes series.” – How has it taken me four weeks to get around to reading this?

    26. “ If you want to make bicycles the most appealing method of transportation, stop putting so many amenities in cars.” – Bazinga! Preeeach.

    29. “ I don’t trust social media influencers. They are being paid to persuade me to spend money. They are the modern day telemarketer.” OMG this is so true! It bothers me that people who are already full of money & fame get things for free. Then offer me a discount to buy the same thing. HM.

    36. “Which toll-free number will never go hungry? One-ate-ate-ate.” HAHAH. So stupid, so funny!

    50. I make brownies every weekend. It’s a problem. Or is it a solution???

    .xo.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Finally!

      6. Those stares off into the distance drive me nuts. Maybe people did that in the 80s but not now. Give them a cellphone to pose with at least.

      9. I was called a wheelbarrow because I think I was walking around like a senior citizen?

      12. We’re 3 weeks into the show…so add the 4 weeks…7 WEEKS BEHIND MYKA. It’s ok, really. lol

      29. Right!? They get everything for free and say “I’ve been loving this new product, go use this code and you can get 15% off so it looks good on me and I get a raise.” Dumb.

      Liked by 2 people

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