Viewing Notes: The Bachelor Ep. 4

You know the drill. Dignity; door. Get in here.

• “The drama continues”, says Chris Harrison, in case you were worried “the most dramatic show on TV” had run out of drama.

• Corinne is sleeping again but she’s smiling really aggressively. This has to be staged.

• Canada 1 has tilted her head to a 90 degree angle, so you know before she says anything, it’s not gonna be complimentary.

• #Tude

• Here comes Chris Harrison AND HIS SLEEVES ARE ROLLED UP. DRINK!

• Two girls are talking to Corinne, telling her that her actions in the bouncy castle were unacceptable. I think she forgot to take her shoes off before going in.

• “Corinne is rubbing some of the girls the wrong way” – Chris Harrison. Wrong! She hasn’t touched any of them, Chris.

• Time for the Woes Ceremony!

• “Thanks for a great week. Thanks for being *mumble* honest. Thanks for telling me I’m a *mumble* jackass. I’m so *mumble* appreciative.” – Nick Knack Patty Whack

• One of them is confused whether Nick is looking for a woman or a girl. Well, if he were looking for a girl, the police would be looking for him sooooo WHAT DO YOU THINK?

• He’s giving Corinne the last rose, for dramatic effect. Just watch.

• Corinne gets the last rose for dramatic freakin’ effect. BAM.

• All the girls are doing their, “If he likes her, then what does he see in me” face. But none of them will self evict because they’re on TV and want to get famous so they’ll suck it up and stay.

• It’s the next day and the girls realize Nick is only keeping around the people he sees potential with.

• Well knock me over and spin me like a lazy Susan, they just figured out the premise of the show. It’s Episode 4.

• It’s Chris Harrison! And his sleeves are rolled up again! Drink!

• Road trip! To Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Everyone squeals.

• Oh it’s actually Waukesha, Wisconsin. This makes me question the squeals even more.

• Nick meets his parents at a coffee shop and tells them it took four episodes for him to get excited about this season. I, however, am still waiting.

• “My hope is one relationship will outshine the rest.” – Nick

• “We don’t wanna *mumble* see you on the show again.” – Papa Nick, speaking mumbling for all of us.

• Nick meets up with the girls in front of a pond.

• “Emotions are heightened.” Oh be quiet.

• “I grew up, like, two miles that way”. – Nick, our tour guide.

• Nick picks Danielle out of the flock and goes on a date with her. The rest of them continue to stand in the middle of the sidewalk.

• Nick points out the library because it’s been 48 years since he read a book.

• They walk into a bakery and they force gingerbread cookies to kiss each other.

• I feel violated.

• Nick’s ex-girlfriend is sitting inside a shop and now it’s a 2 on 1 date!

• #COINCIDENCE

• You know the producers planted her there because she was already wearing a microphone.

• #NEVERMIND

• Danielle loves the ex-girlfriend. Danielle gives her a rose and sends Nick home.

• Ohhh, if only.

• Nick and Danielle sit on wet grass.

• “Today was a happy day.” – Nick, showing off his simple sentences.

• Nick wants to get to know Danielle better so he asks her when the last time she went grocery shopping in sweatpants was. Important.

• There are so many 23 year olds on this show. Pump the brakes, kids.

• I SAID PUMP THEM.

• “Open-minded.” Drink!

• We’ve got a double “Open-minded” on our hands! Drink!

• Danielle can see herself falling in love with him. It’s Episode 4, dammit!

• Time out.

• Danielle and Nick just walked into a theatre full of people with a singer who looks like Nick.

• Someone get me some crackers, this just got cheesy.

• Is Nick singing or is he kissing the pretty girl? I CAN’T TELL. BOTH?

• The group date is on a farm and Corinne is there because the producers want to see how she acts (which will be terribly) when she has to do stuff for herself.

• “Hey y’allllllll. Welcome to ma farm. Yeee…uh what comes after yeee?” – Nick

• “Cows are okay.” Drink milk! Love life!

• Nick said he has a lot of memories playing on a farm, so he took them to a farm so they can get out of their element, because he is.

• YOU JUST SAID THAT FARMS WERE YOUR THING, THOUGH.

• Come on, Nick. I can’t edit all of your sentences.

• They feed cows hay and want to be applauded.

• Corinne does not want to do farm chores.

• Corinne wins tin bins by the farm chore, or something.

• Watching Nick try and milk a cow has taken 17 years off my life.

• YES! They have to shovel manure.

• “I don’t understand why.” – Corinne

• Dear Corinne, they are trying to make you look foolish by giving you foolish things to do. That’s why. So suck it up, peanut butter cup!

• Corinne walks away and the other girls get on their high horse (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) and act like they’re better because they shovelled manure. Calm down. You’re just jealous you didn’t think of leaving first.

• Raven gets her date card and it says, “Let’s kick it.” She freaks out because…?

• Corinne just said “Poopy” three times, confirming she is 2 years old.

• Kristina the dental hygienist, who is 24 and way too good for this show, wants to tell Nick more about her upbringing but tells him they don’t have enough time.

• “I love watching you.” – Nick

• RUN AWAY, KRISTINA! HEAD FOR THE BORDER! ANY BORDER! There will be a car waiting for you at all of them. It’ll have a pizza sign on top; that’s a decoy. Hurry, before he catches you!

• If I ever have a daughter, her name will not be Corinne. This girl has ruined it.

• Canada 1 gives Nick a scrapbook that her students put together. Awwwwwwwww.

• “Hey class, let’s make my future boyfriend – who I haven’t met yet – a gift that I’ll wait until Episode 4 to give him.”

• That’s how that scrapbook happened. You know it.

• Corinne is asked by one of the girls if she is ready to marry a 36 year old man.

• Hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but none of you are ready to marry anyone.

• Don’t hate the blogger, hate yourselves.

• “Abraham Lincoln took naps.” Drink that old-school ale!

• If you remove Corinne from this show, you don’t have a show.

• You see, Corinne is a diversion, so the audience doesn’t question why a 36 year old is kissing a bunch of girls who just graduated college in the spring.

• #REALTALK

• (Age/2) + 7

•  C-Biscuit (I’m going to start giving Corinne nicknames) has said tonight that she lost feeling in her hands at the farm, and had a panic attack the other day at the Bros Ceremony.

• Methinks she needs to go to the hospital.

• “If you have a problem, come talk to me.” THAT’S NOT HOW GIRLS OPERATE. Even I know that.

• #AdultConvo

• “I had so much fun with all of you tonight that I can’t raise the tone in my voice above the “get me outta here” decibel level.

• Kristina gets the rose because she’s too good for this show and Nick knows it. Now she has to stay.

• Time for Ravenclaw’s date and she says “there’s no reason we can’t fall in love today.” Oh God, save me.

• The day Nick zips up his jacket will be the day…well…that won’t happen so this comparison doesn’t work.

• Raven meets Nick’s little sister, who “had a twinkle in her eye.” IT’S CALLED THE SUN. UGHH.

• Nick’s sister has soccer practise and he decides to be the goalie.

• He can’t stop the ball because his jacket is still on.

• Nick wants the soccer dad life.

• Raven is meeting his parents. EPISODE 4.

• Chris Harrison hasn’t rolled down his sleeves yet and she’s meeting the parents already.

• Raven asks his parents if they spanked Nick a lot. She just has to know.

• Back at the hotel, the girls fulfill their minutely obligation of talking about Corinne.

• Raven and Sister Sunshine have some girl time and Raven asks her if she watched Bachelor in Paradise.

• Raven is 0/2 on the family questions.

• They’re at a roller derby arena and that song called “Kiss Me” from the late 90s is playing in the background. #Montage

• Because Raven met his family, this is “so beyond what I’ve felt before, in my life.”

• Hey God, Paul here. Again. I left a message earlier on the Heaven Helpline, but I don’t think it got through. Anyway, I won’t keep you. Just know I need you.

• Raven’s last boyfriend cheated on her and Nick’s tone barely makes it above “whispering in a crowded elevator” decibel level.

• Raven is sinking her ship faster than the boat that I think? they’re on. I wasn’t paying attention. They could be in Uruguay for all I know.

• “I’m smart. I’m intelligent. I’m kinda cute. I haven’t been to a library in 48 years, either.”

• “I’m so confused why I feel this way.” WE ALL ARE.

• Heaven help me!

• Time for another Glows Ceremony.

• “I had so much fun, as always. Cheers to tonight and having more fun.” – Nick

• Girls hate other girls. That’s what this show is telling me.

• Actually, hate is a mild word.

• Gotta love those cutaway scenes of a girl turning her head. Top notch production.

• Nick is sitting by the fire with a girl, another girl interrupts and takes her place next to him. The next one should be arriving in about four head turns from now.

• Corny Inn is “Disssgggguuussssted” with Taylor, while she shoves food in her mouth as if she’s me at a restaurant. I respect that.

• These girls can’t talk through their issues with each other. Why do they try? Both sides are just being phony.

• It’s a Phony Fest. Who can out-phony the other phony.

• Oh my God, I can’t take this.

• Staaaaap overrrrr prooonooouncccccinnnng evveryy *clap* wooorrddd *clap* yooouuu *clap* sayyyyyeeee.

• CAPICHE?

• “I literally can’t even.” Drink!

• Can’t even, what? FINISH THE SENTENCE!

• In the previews for next week, Corinne and Taylor fight each other in a forest and then an alligator appears out of nowhere. Seriously.

I need a pizza, or nineteen. Anyone want to join me?