Paulo’s Kitchen: The Return

Paulo’s Kitchen is recorded in front of a live studio audience. The people in the audience are real. However, their ooh’s and aah’s may be exaggerated. And no, the camera does not add ten pounds; Paulo’s cooking might, though. To be a member of our live studio audience, please call…

Miss me?

After almost a year, I am back. Chef Paulo is back!

Why isn’t anyone clapping? Clap! Or else we’ll remove you from the studio and bring in one of the hundreds of people waiting outside to get a whiff of what I’m cooking today.

Nothing happens

So, where has Chef Paulo been? Well, it doesn’t matter where Chef Paulo’s been! I’m here now. This is my kitchen. Let’s get cooking!

Alright, today we’re going to make a classic! Do you wanna see me make a classic?

Again, no response. Is my microphone on? Oh, it’s not? Hold on.

Can you hear me now?

A glass window breaks at the sound of cheering

Ayy, that’s more like it!

Today we’re making…get ready for it…today we’re making rice with sausage and a donut!

I call it: “It’s not rice to stare, so donut.”

Get it!?!? It’s because rice and nice rhyme and donut sounds…why is this on my teleprompter? Felix, why is that on here?

Sorry about that folks. Some technical difficulties here in Paulo’s Kitchen. We have some new staff members with us. They think I have to explain my jokes because no one will think I’m funny.

Okay back to the meal.

For those of you at home, feel free to write down these steps. For those of you here in attendance today, I’d say take a picture of me because I’m a celebrity, but we confiscated your phones before you came in. So, just sit and watch me do magic, like Harry Potter.

Step 1: Go buy a donut.

We here at Paulo’s Kitchen did that earlier today. Actually, we bought 36. The staff likes to eat, don’t you like to eat?

Step 2: Order pork fried rice from a local Chinese restaurant.

You’re gonna wanna call ’em up and use your “I enjoy talking on the phone” voice. Don’t worry, the phone call only lasts a minute, or in our case, seventeen minutes. Again, our crew put in a huge order. The phrase “feed a village” has been replaced by “feed a Paulo’s Kitchen crew”.

Lots of gas on set today during rehearsals, let me tell ya!

Step 3: Take ou…

Heckler interrupts

Heckler: Hey Paulo, aren’t you supposed to actually make the food and not buy it?

Chef Paulo: What’s this? We have a heckler? A little ravioli in the audience trying to tell me how to cook? Don’t tell me how to cook! I’m Chef Paulo! This is my kitchen? Do I tell you how to sit in the audience? No, I don’t. Actually, stand up and get out. Security! Take this tic-tac out of here and bring in someone from the lineup outside.

Security: There is no one outside…

Chef Paulo starts to sweat

Step 3: ANYWAY, take a sausage out of your freezer. How did a sausage get in your freezer? Magic. Like Harry Potter, remember? The sausage we use today is a spicy sausage.

Oooooooohhhhhhh Aaaaahhhhhhhh

Step 4: Let it thaw for awhile. Don’t ask me how long “awhile” is, my teleprompter doesn’t tell me. This isn’t a good first show for Teleprompter Technician Felix, is it?

Step 5: Once again, we do some Pottery Barn Magic and…no that’s not right. It’s Harry Potter Magic. Felix! Come on Felix!

Step 5, Take Two: Once again, we do some Hermione Granger Magic and…Hermione Granger Magic? Are you alright, Felix? What is this nonsense?

Step 5, Take Three: Once again, we do some Harry Meets Sally Magic and…Felix! Ah what the hell, we’ll go with it. Some Harry Meets Sally Magic and our sausage is thawed.

Can I say that on cable?

Step 6: Get out a sharp cutting board and a hard knife…Nope.

Step 6, Take Two: Get out a hard cutting board and a sharp knife. Yup, that makes sense. Do it.

Step 7: You’re gonna wanna slice out some pieces of sausage. About a centimetre and a half per cut. Get a ruler if you need one. We do things precisely here in Paulo’s Kitchen. No Mickey Mouse stuff. No sir.

Step 8: Take out a pan. But not the pan that Nonna uses to chase kids down the street. That pan is for chasing, not cooking.

Step 9: Put the pan on top of the stove and turn it on to medium heat. Not low. Not high. But medium. The big M. Like McDonald’s, but Medium. Medium, Medium, Medium.

What do we put the stove at?

Audience: MCDONALD’S!

Chef Paulo: What!? No! Ugh, fine. We put the stove at McDonald’s.

Step 10: With the stove at McDonald’s, we place the cut up pieces of sausage into the pan. Everyone be quiet for a minute.

Felix: They are quiet…

Chef Paulo: Shut it, Felix! Or you’re going to go from Teleprompter Technician Felix to Farewell Felix faster than I can crack an egg over my big toe while juggling apricots. Apricots!

A sizzling noise takes over the studio

Step 11: When the pan starts to make noise like a swarm of bumblebees, that’s when you know stuff is happening. So get out a flipper of some sort. No, not the thing you put on your feet…? Felix, did you write that?

Step 12: You’re gonna wanna flip the pieces of sausage over from time to time. Maybe we flip now, maybe we don’t. You decide. It’s from time to time.

Step 13: While this is cooking, set up the rice in a bowl and take the donut out of it’s box. You don’t want to be wasting time later. The stove will supervise your sausage. Safety first.

Step 14: We do another Houdini Potter Meets Sally Granger In The Barn Magic now and…what!?

Step 14, Take Two: Ah, what the hell. We do another Houdini Potter Meets Sally Granger In The Barn Magic now and the sausage is almost done. You can tell because it’s gotten darker and the pan makes a really big bumblebee noise.

Step 15: Turn off the stove. No more McDonald’s. Not even fries in the bag.

Step 16: Pour the sausage on top of the rice and bada bing cha ching, we got ourselves some mingling.

Chef Paulo: Let me taste….mmm…mmm good. I’d share, but…you know…only one fork and only one Paulo.

Sign-off: And there you have it! Rice with sausage and a donut. Or what I like to call: “It’s not rice to stare, so donut!”

That concludes this commercial-free episode of Paulo’s Kitchen because sponsors don’t think I have it anymore and wouldn’t sponsor my show. So, I paid for the whole thing. It almost cost me an arm and a meatball.

Thank you for watching Paulo’s Kitchen. Tune in next time when I make another meal that will blow your mouth away….FELIX! Why would we want to blow their mouth away? How are they supposed to eat the food?

Sign-off, Take Two: Thank you for watching another award-eligible edition of Paulo’s Kitchen. Tune in next time when I make another meal and yell at Felix some more even though his mother at…home…is…watching…and only wants to see her son succeed?

Out of everything you’ve put on my teleprompter today, this is the most helpful, Felix.

Paulo looks into the camera

Chef Paulo: Mrs. Felix, your son might get voted off of Paulo’s Kitchen. Tune in next time to see if he can win immunity and save his bacon.

Camera zooms out as Chef Paulo turns around and mutters to himself in disgust

Chef Paulo: We’re a reality show now…A FREAKIN’ REALITY SHOW!? Save his bacon? What am I thinking? First show back in a year and this happens. This. Happens.

Paulo throws his apron in frustration and it lands on the teleprompter

 

It’s not rice to stare, so donut.