The Doctor’s Office

Today was the day. The one day of the year where I urinate in a cup and give it to someone to examine. Yup, I had a Doctor’s appointment. An “annual check-up” is the medical term, I believe. Heck, we might as well just call it a “season finale” because who knows what could happen.

I don’t like going to the Doctor’s. That doesn’t mean I’ll refuse to go. I just don’t like going. Does anyone enjoy going to a Doctor’s appointment? Maybe kids do. I know I did when I was little.

I’m sick? Great! Let’s go sit in a crowded waiting room with other children who are coughing up the next worldwide disease! I know that may sound like sarcasm, but it’s not.

The dreaded waiting room was worth it because it was just a minor inconvenience that got in the way of obtaining the coveted banana medicine from the Doctor.

Banana medicine was the best. It probably still is the best.

And then I got to the age where I was “too old” for banana medicine. Those might be my two least favourite words when put together – “too old”. That, and “No Pizza”. Rip my heart out, why don’t you!

At this point, going to the Doctor’s office started to become a pain. Sitting in the waiting room next to Mr. Phlegm and Ms. Cough-up-a-lung was no longer worth it. Because after all was said and done, I wouldn’t even get to go home with banana medicine.

There was no reward for the (health) risk.

So I got to an age where if I got sick, it wasn’t the end of the world. A trip to see the Doctor wasn’t necessary. I could just stay home from school, sit on the couch, play video games, and worship Bob Barker on The Price is Right.

Bob Barker and banana medicine have the same effect on the common cold. Trust me.

Since I no longer had to go to the Doctor when I got sick (unless it was serious), the only time I went to visit the jungle gym of germs was for an annual check-up.

Man, I hated it. Especially during my early teenage years where I had to sit among children less than half my age. I didn’t fit in. Literally. I was tall.

The waiting room was a menace. I witnessed all of it. All. of. it.

Children ran back and forth, only stopping to wipe their overflowing nostrils on the seat. They touched a fish tank with their hands and then put them in their mouth, as if they were cinnamon rolls. Some opted to put toys in their mouth.

And then there was the kid who would have the audacity to steal another kid’s toy, only for the mother of the victim to say, “Bobby has something-really-contagious-itis, your son probably shouldn’t touch that.” Gee, thanks Mom! You’re a hero! You got the toy back, while simultaneously telling the entire waiting room they should probably stay about 1000 metres away from your kid.

Quick, camera two, pan over to the contagious kid!

“There he is now in his natural habitat – the Doctor’s office. A flood falling from his nose and mingling with the saliva hanging from his mouth. Oh no, he wiped it with his hands. Folks, it appears we have a tsunami on our hands. Sit tight.”

Whenever the nurse finally called me in to see the Doctor, it felt like I had won the lottery. All that was missing was confetti.

Thankfully, these snotty experiences came to an end. Thank you, aging!

As horrific as the waiting room at the Doctor’s office was, everything else wasn’t that bad. I never received any bad news from my Doctor, other than the occasional mention of watching what I ate (Ha, as if I didn’t).

I have never been afraid of needles. Ever since I was a little kid I would just stare at it. I always found it funny how the nurse would try and distract me, right before they stabbed me in the arm.

How could you possible distract someone from that? It’s like saying, “I’m going to push you down the stairs, but as long as you look at the pizza waiting for you at the bottom, you will not feel a thing.”

Okay, maybe in that instance you wouldn’t feel a thing. It’s pizza. But you get the point.

Now then, back to today.

Whenever I enter a Doctor’s office now, I carry with me an ounce of trepidation. Don’t worry, it doesn’t tip the scale when I stand on it.

But I always walk in and wonder how I will walk out. Will it be with a hip in my hop, or not?

Basically, one question needs to be answered. A rhetorical one. I ask it, the Doctor answers it.

“Is there anything wrong with me, yet?”

That’s all I really want to know. That’s all any of us want to know.

That’s why I don’t like going to the Doctor’s. I like my Doctor. I’m thankful he makes sure I’m okay. I just don’t want to hear bad news. No one does.

Luckily, my urine sample acts as a crystal ball of sorts. So, too, does my blood sample.

Science!

But before I get to the blood test, I want to say something.

I got on the scale today and…it told me to get off. Just kidding. It told me I weighed 15 pounds less than I did last year. I thought that was pretty cool.

The pizza and donut diet works, I guess.

Anyways, to the blood test!

I sat in a room for an hour waiting for blood to be drawn from my arm. I was the youngest person in the room by about 30 years and yet my knees were the only pair in the room that cracked when I stood up. I’m old.

Everyone in the room looked dreary. We were all fasting. I hadn’t had food or water in 14 hours. And guess what sign was on the wall in front of me?

“No food or beverages permitted”

Come on! Talk about spiking the football. Which got me thinking. They should set up a refreshments table in these blood clinics. No? Bad idea? I tried. I was hungry.

At one point a delivery man walked in with square bags filled with medical equipment. I thought was praying they were pizza bags – the kind that pizza delivery drivers bring to your house. I was wrong. I was sad. Again, I was hungry.

I made friends with an older lady sitting next to me. Naturally, we bonded over complaining about how long the wait was.

What else do people bond over in waiting rooms?

She said, “When they call your name, it’s like winning the lottery.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Advertisements

About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
This entry was posted in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to The Doctor’s Office

  1. rebbit7 says:

    Haha, yes! I’m not a fan of going to the doctor, either. Like you, what especially irritates me is the wait to see the doctor- spending thirty minutes to an hour for less than a minute visit. So not worth it. Not a huge fan of screaming kids and babies, either. And the elderly just depress me. I have a fear of needles, too, so kudos to you for not being afraid by them.

    In other words, the pizza and doughnut diet sounds incredible. Now I’ve found the secret to losing weight! ;D

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Barb Knowles says:

    “Doctor, Doctor, can’t you tell I’m burning, burning” I’m guessing that you don’t have to go back for another year? That’s good news. And I totally agree with the wondering if by waiting for your checkup you are actually catching a virus from somebody. Bleeeeech.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. James says:

    Banana medicine was the best! Totally worth being ill for!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jessie Reyna says:

    Perfect post on going to the doctor. I used to be terrified of needles. I was the kid that screamed her head off when I saw it. I even remember a time when I jumped off the table and ran back into the lobby and snuck under a pile of teddy bears. I was probably four at the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. heymeghan91 says:

    I’ll tell you a secret. You have to befriend the ladies drawing the blood! They when then enthusiastically cheer when you walk in and treat you like a VIP. True story.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. casondra2rey says:

    LOL going from sitting outside of the window and now being the one right behind it, I have to tell yea IT’S WEIRD! Puts a whole new perspective on going to the Dr. Office. Now I just sit by the window unsure if I’m the fish in the fish bowl or if they are. Don’t get me started on the ones who save their scary coughs until I open my window… not going to lie, I hold my breath a lot! lol

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Little Rants says:

    We probably have Telepathy, you and I. I just realised that I wrote a post on something similar today.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. KJ says:

    Banana medicine, you say? You mention it so much I feel bad about not having tasted it all my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. izza ifzaal says:

    Then i guess i m the lucky one who gets in the moment appointment is made *victory dance * :p

    Liked by 1 person

  10. nice read, as someone whose health is not been the greatest since in late 30’s (for one reason or another) my doctors visits are more often than yearly and usually starts with what is wrong now and which bit do they want to cut out……….however I still agree with most of above, let’s face it hospitals and doctors waiting rooms ARE full of sick people, otherwise they probably would not be there. Every visit is like Russian Roulette………what germ infestation will you win this trip!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Funny that I’m reading this now, I actually have my very first “adult” life check up next week! I don’t even remember when I went to the doc last…. sooooo crossing my fingers nothing is seriously wrong with me! Also crossing my fingers I don’t actually get sick while waiting in the dreaded waiting room… anyhoo, way to turn a standard doc’s visit in to quite an in-depth, play-by-play post 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. JM Stories says:

    ah, the snot tsunami. ’tis the season…

    Liked by 1 person

  13. hmekeel says:

    Things have been crazy lately, so I’ve missed being able to read your blogs! Yet again you make me laugh and smile. I wish this post hadn’t ended here, I’ve gotta hear about your blood giving experience!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Ah it was nothing too special! Just sat in a chair and they stabbed a needle in my arm. Walked out of there feeling like I couldn’t bend my arm, but that’s just me overreacting haha

      I’ve been checking your blog to see if I’ve missed any new posts..then I realized your probably busy. Hope school is going well! Blog something soon! (no pressure haha)

      Liked by 1 person

  14. This is the stuff we talk about in all of my classes every day (health sciences major over here!) Where is this banana medicine though??? I never got any 😦 And they didn’t teach me about that in class!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s