Have you ever dipped a cracker in a jar of peanut butter when the peanut butter was running low and accidentally dropped the cracker at the bottom, making it difficult to recover without needing a second cracker to rescue it?
If this sounds like you, or someone you know, then you’ve come to the right Bachelorette recap.
I’m joined again this week by Cass because you should never watch this show alone. You might get lost, like a cracker at the bottom of a peanut butter jar, and need someone to bail you out. Can you tell I’m scarred?
Cass’ thoughts will be in BOLD.
Another week, let’s do this.
~ We’re back where we left off last week – hell. The guys are sitting around wondering if Luke will come back from his date.
~ I would love to see these guys throw a party if Luke doesn’t get a rose.
~ OMG Hannah doesn’t give him the rose.
~ Because Hannah isn’t giving Luke a rose, he wants her to think about every little detail since Day 1. This sounds like homework.
~ She just sent Luke home. Asta la pasta baby.
~ Wow, that was one serious goodbye speech.
~ GOODBYE LUKE P.
~ Luke is walking away from the castle, but all of a sudden he turns around and walks back.
~ This can’t happen. Someone set off the sprinklers! Release the hounds! Anything…?
~ So wait. He’s literally walking into the forest & then decides to turn around to fight for her.
~ Insert Michael Scott saying, “No God, please no. No. No. Nooooooooo.”
~ Luke is now yelling at/to Hannah, saying he wants to move mountains.
~ Homeboy is seriously crazy.
~ “I genuinely wanna marry you.” – Luke
~ How many things do you know about her? LESS THAN ZERO.
~ He’s admitting that they talked in circles all day. It was more like a really big oval, but okay.
~ Luke has returned to the house with the guys and tells them it was the worst one-on-one Hannah’s had this season.
~ Luke has his initials on his suitcase…are you trying to be an influencer before you even join the show?
~ Just when we thought we could get rid of him.
~ “I didn’t get a rose, but Hannah said she still wants me to be here.” – Luke
~ No rose, but he gets to stay….WHAT THE HELL.
~ I’m done, Paul, I’m done.
~ She’s treating him like a child who misbehaves at school every day, but smartens up when the, “I’ll call your parents” threat is issued.
~ Luke is now in a church asking the Bachelorette Gods for forgiveness.
~ Time for a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony.
~ There are points in every season where it hits me like, “Woah, it’s kinda creepy that all these guys are sharing the same girlfriend. This is messed up.” Just had one of those moments.
~ Garrett is now talking to her about Luke. Don’t care. Fast forward.
~ Now the guys are having a group chat where they’re trying to get Luke to admit that he talked to Hannah about them. Don’t the cameramen ever get tired of this?
~ These guys arguing right now legit sound like little girls.
~ I feel bad for Connor, these guys just ruined his talking time.
~ Hannah is eavesdropping.
~ “Stop!” – Hannah
~ She’s mad that all of her boyfriends can’t get along.
~ Yeah guys, sharing is pairing.
~ I don’t even know what they’re arguing about.
~ Hannah has left the room to go listen from another room. She’s frustrated and downing her wine in record time.
~ She has returned to the guys to scold them for always talking about Luke.
~ Hannah, are you seriously backing Luke up right now?
~ Hannah says they’re all making her feel psycho.
~ “NONE OF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.” – HANNAH
~ The realest seven words ever uttered on this show. That also confirms Hannah read these Viewing Notes before going on the show.
~ NO HANNAH, YOU’RE NOT FRUSTRATED. I’M FRUSTRATED.
~ Does no one take my feelings into consideration during filming?
~ Nope, sorry. But Demi’s been in two episodes this season, so clearly someone cares about my well-being.
~ “All we do is talk about stupid sh–.”
~ SEND THEM ALL HOME. ADOPT A PET. GET A PLANT. BUY A RUG. FILL THE VOID.
~ So, let me get this straight. She wants everyone to stay in their lane, but won’t send the instigator home…uhh what.
~ She leaves, saying she doesn’t want to talk to any of them.
~ “We were petty. Petty fights, petty arguments.”
~ These guys need a Wi-Fi connection, or a chocolate bar, so they can do something other than talk to each other.
~ The guys are apologizing for their roles in this debacle.
~ Alright, I need to fast forward. I have nothing nice to say & can’t hurt future potential sponsorships, sorry y’all.
~ I feel like they’re always trying to say the right thing, or be on the right side of an argument because they want to look good on TV.
~ Chris Harrison is now consoling Hannah.
~ Chris should go yell at the guys like any protective father would.
~ “HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY LITTLE MUFFIN CRY!”
~ And then he should throw something to really emphasize his point. Maybe spike a remote on the carpet, so the batteries pop out and roll under the couch and force the guys to retrieve them while thinking about how angry Mr. Harrison was.
~ But NO. Instead, he tells her that the guys are crazy about her.
~ Time for the Rose Ceremony. Let’s go.
~ Connor, Tyler, and Dustin get the first three roses.
~ Peter Pilot gets a rose.
~ Dylan gets a rose.
~ Garrett gets a rose.
~ Luke gets the last rose.
~ Devin and Kevin are among those going home.
~ Who the plant is Grant?? Anyway, he’s going home.
~ Hannah tells the guys they all need to get on the same page. Slow readers, they are.
~ They’re all in Riga, Latvia now because they only travel to places that look nice on Instagram.
~ Hannah is having a morning talk with Chris. Her eyebrows look angry.
~ “I don’t know how this works for people.” – Hannah
~ “Is it gonna work?” – Chris
~ Back from commercial, Chris is in front of the Bachelor mansion, telling us that Hannah doesn’t know if she can fall in love with any of these guys.
~ Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi.
~ Darn. Hannah didn’t come out and sub Demi in. Maybe at the next timeout.
~ Chris is now sitting down with Hannah to talk about what’s going wrong. Shouldn’t this be a private matter?
~ They clearly filmed this after the season ended. What a scam.
~ I’m done here. I’m not sitting through an hour long recap of the first five episodes.
~ So, is this a mini tell all in the middle of the episode that lasts the whole episode….
~ DO THEY NOT THINK WE SAW THE FIRST FIVE EPISODES? HAVE YE NO FAITH, CHRIS HARRISON? WE DON’T SKIP EPISODES.
~ Just give us dates where they don’t talk about anything, don’t eat food, and dance at a concert in front of a singer I’ve never heard of before.
~ This is all you, Cass. Time to shine.
~ Chris just told Hannah she’s “the kissing bandit”.
~ He asked her who the best kisser was & drum roll….Luke….ew.
~ I can’t tonight. I have no energy for this.
~ Blooper time: Mike rips his pants, Jed’s ice cream gets attacked by Penny the pup, and Jonathan’s awkward hinting for a kiss.
~ Back to fast forwarding.
~ This show really blows by when you fast forward through half of it. Time for the previews.
~ Sooooooooo, Paul warned me but I wasn’t ready for this preview.
~ There was lots of almost nudity & these boys have some rockin’ bods. I hate to say it, but I’ll keep tuning in (sorry Paul).
~ I should put together a Cass Compilation of things you’ve made me write on my blog and immediately apologized for. The sponsors would love it.
~ WOW. Luke might as well keep digging that grave.
~ Who has a ring? Who is ready to propose? YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME.
That’s a wrap on tonight. Thanks Paul for having me on again & listening to me freak out for 2 hours. Till next week.
I don’t know what that was, but it was not The Bachelorette.