It’s only been two months since The Bachelor ended. In that time, Hannah B. went on a journey to find love and brought a camera crew with her. Now, it’s time to roll
tide the footage and let the world see what 30 single men will do for a few thousand Instagram followers love.
As always, I’ll be here to provide play-by-play recaps for each episode because most of you would rather read this than watch the show.
I’m happy to announce that joining me behind the virtual commentary desk once again this season is my friend, Cass! At this point, I think she feels like she’s intruding on these recaps, while I think I’m being a bother every time I ask her to be a part of them. It’s a very Canadian dynamic.
Cass’ thoughts will be in bold, so you can tell us apart. At times, you’ll see me respond to some of her comments
because I like to take advantage of my role as editor.
Oh hello, guess who’s back for another season of The Bachelorette? Hannah B. is the bachelorette and I am all for it! Like, if I could be gal pals with Hannah, I would!
And with that, we begin the best bachelorette recap on the internet.
~ We start off in Tuscaloosa, Alabama where Hannah is Facetiming with Chris Harrison. He informs her that she is the next bachelorette.
~ Cut to shots of Hannah around town, standing underneath train tracks, and slowly walking through a wheat field.
~ There’s an extra emphasis on Hannah “not being like other bachelorettes” so scenes that normally make the blooper reel, are being left in.
~ We are only in the opening scenes & have already heard “Roll Tide” like 6 times. I am a Roll Tide fan, but at this rate it’s gonna be a long season.
~ Chris Harrison is driving her around town talking to locals. I call this segment, Chris In A Car Driving Like A Dad.
~ We see old footage of Hannah winning Miss Alabama.
~ Now she’s running on the football field at the University of Alabama.
~ The over/under is at 11.5 for the number of times someone says “Roll Tide” tonight. She’s already said it once.
~ Hannah is sitting down with former contestants, Katie and Demi! I just want to thank the producers for selecting my two favourites from last season for this “advice” segment.
~ Roll Tide Counter: 2
~ Alright, so we are meeting the men with some home shot videos…interesting.
~ And now we are meeting some of the men via professionally shot video packages.
~ Time to meet Tyler the dancing contractor.
~ Tyler loves to dance like he’s an extra in a really raunchy musical.
~ Next is Peter. He’s a pilot. Peter Pilot pronounces “Hannah” as “Henna”.
~ We met 1/2 of the pilots. I wonder where he will take her first.
~ Next is Mike, who is an Air Force veteran from Dallas. He is bringing his great-grandmother flowers
as a pre-emptive apology for the type of show she will see him on.
~ Mike coming in hot with the flowers.
~ Here we have Joe, who sells boxes. He has an Italian accent, so you know they’re trying to recapture the magic that was Joey Grocery.
~ Oh God, Joe is already annoying me.
~ Next is Matt, who is feeding animals on a farm while dressed like a guy who’s about to walk into a Christmas party and complain about how much snow has already fallen.
~ Roll Tide Counter: 3
~ Roll Tide Counter: 4
~ Next is Connor and he asks his mom if she thinks he’s ready to get married. That’s probably a no.
~ Next is Luke and he likes to workout until his muscles have muscles. He also likes to shower, read the Bible, and hang out with his niece.
~ Roll Tide Counter: 5
~ Roll Tide Counter: 6
~ Hannah has arrived at the mansion. Just like your Italian grandparents’ house, the driveway has been watered and is ready to go.
~ Hannah looks gorgeous right now.
~ Chris Harrison tells her to try “a few different flavours” when talking about her “type”.
~ “I don’t think I have a type, but Southern is comfortable.” – aka bring on the Southern boys.
~ The first limo pulls up.
~ First out of the limo is Garrett the Golf Pro, Alabama boy.
~ So much for trying different flavours. He wants to be her hole in one. His words, not mine.
~ They totally sent Garrett out first on purpose.
~ Out next is Mike. He lives by the five C’s – Character, Charm, Charisma, Consistency, and Compassion. Did he steal this schtick from Kurt Angle?
~ Here comes Jed, who is a singer/songwriter from Nashville. He is wearing dress shoes without socks, which means he’s been disqualified.
~ Will Jed finally give musicians a good name?
~ Out comes Tyler The Contractor. “That smile’s worth every mile.”
~ Out next is Dylan, who is dressed like a waiter at a banquet hall.
~ These guys are so not unique, like they all are coming out of the limo being like, “you gorgeous girl”, we know – change it up.
~ Connor jumps the front fence as he makes his entrance, so that’s how you know he’s original.
~ OH MY, we got a fence jump on night one! YESS
~ Connor is seriously cute (Sorry Paul, you should really be used to this by now…)
~ Oh, I’m used to it. You do you, though, since I made last season’s viewing notes to be all about Demi.
~ Here comes Devin who says, “I’m so like excited to go on this you know journey with you really.” That hurt my head.
~ Oh no, Devin with the “I’m a virgin, just kidding” – don’t do that dude.
~ Hannah has met seven guys and has asked three of them, “What’s your name again?”
~ Out next is John Paul Jones, who looks like he snuck away from his high school band practice to come on the show. The one time they get a Paul on this show….
~ John Paul Jones needs to go home.
~ Brian the math teacher is out next. It’s unclear if he’s taught John Paul Jones before.
~ Brian’s voice keeps cracking & it’s kinda adorable in a nervous way, but its not. Get it together.
~ Here comes Scott, who tells her he’s there to “look for a life partner”. Look? She’s your only option.
~ “What’s your name again” counter: 4
~ Matteo is nervous and doesn’t know what to say.
~ Daron is excited to be here.
~ Tyler G. says she’s been in his dreams a lot. I feel like you can make a horror film with that premise.
~ Tyler G. with the, “You’ve been in my dreams so you’re my dream girl”.
~ Thomas is an international basketball player.
~ Matthew is a car bid spotter.
~ In comes a big box that says, “Fragile” on it. Must be Italian. And it is!
~ Holy shit, Joe popping out of the box.
~ “You check all of my boxes.”
~ Lord, give me strength.
~ “What’s your name again?” counter: 5
~ “Joe. The Box King.”
~ I’m just gonna call him Joe Boxer and maybe his time on this show will be brief. GET IT? Sorry.
~ Here comes Joey with a baby carrier, but there’s a bottle of wine in it.
~ Out next is Connor who talks to her in French. She says “Bon-Jer” just like every person who can’t speak French but thinks they know how to say, “Bonjour”.
~ Roll Tide Counter: 7
~ Roll Tide Counter: 8
~ Ryan is a roller boy and of course comes in on roller skates. He’s about as agile as a duck on a skateboard.
~ Ryan, dude if you’re going to roller blade in for your first impression, practice first.
~ Hunter is a pro surfer and asks her to tie his tie.
~ Grant is unemployed and talks to her with a hotdog in his mouth and a bottle of mustard in his hands. Just self-evict. You got no chance.
~ Roll Tide Counter: 9
~ Jonathan goes down on one knee and says, “Will you have a pizza my heart?”
~ Kevin comes out of the limo and fumbles about 9 footballs.
~ Luke P. gets on top of the limo and growls at her. He says that while she’s a beast, he’s the king of the jungle, and he’s hoping she can become his queen. No chance.
~ I’m sorry what, Luke P. jumping out of that limo like he’s the beast from Beauty & The Beast.
~ Go home Luke S., you look like a wannabe Nick Viall.
~ Dustin is a Russell Wilson impersonator.
~ Cam gets out of the limo and starts rapping. He’s definitely been rehearsing that in his hotel room for the last two days.
~ Hannah is way too excited listening to Cam rap right now.
~ Cam already has a rose because he met Hannah at the After The Final Rose show two months ago.
~ SOMEONE TURN OFF THE MIC.
~ “ABC – Always Be Cam”
~ “I was spitting some bars like Willy Wonka” – stop Cam, just stop.
~ Matt Donald rides in on a tractor and starts singing a remixed version of Old MacDonald.
~ That is one slow moving tractor.
~ Why didn’t he have “She thinks my tractor’s sexy” playing while he rolled up?
~ Has anyone been counting how many times, “Roll Tide” has been said? I lost count.
~ I got your back, Cass! We’re at 9. I think.
~ Chasen is also a pilot and he gives her a paper airplane and says their relationship is about to take off.
~ Chasen has a great smile, but like who says, “Women like a man in uniform, I try to work that” on national TV.
~ Him and Peter better be on a two-on-one date where they just talk about aviation the whole time and Hannah chimes in with, “I’m wearing aviators”.
~ LET ME PLAN THE DATES.
~ Oh, and here comes Peter Pilot in his uniform.
~ The two pilots might be the most down to earth people there, which is ironic.
~ The pilots are threatened by each other.
~ Wow, we flew through those 30 entrances…
~ I feel like the key to the first meeting out of the limo is to just be genuine and unscripted. If everyone is over the top, then no one is. Think about that.
~ Hannah is in the backyard praying that God gives her words that make her sound smart.
~ So cute, Hannah is praying pre-cocktail party. I mean, I would too, if I were her.
~ Into the mansion she goes and not only are the guys slow to stand up, but they don’t even clap! Have they not watched the show? Have they no manners?
~ “I don’t want perfect, I want real.” – PREACH IT SISTER
~ BRING ON THE COCKTAIL PARTY.
~ Hannah says she can see her husband in this room. They say that every season.
~ Luke immediately takes her outside and the other guys aren’t happy because they were too slow.
~ Luke already has strong feelings. He’ll be telling her he loves her on Episode 4 and she’ll send him home because she’s “not there” yet.
~ Connor J. takes her out front and throws her a bachelorette party, with a bunch of games. No one else attends.
~ Cam is already kissing her.
~ Chris Harrison awakes from his nap to deliver the first impression rose to the living room.
~ Everyone’s face when Chris brings out the first impression rose – they literally all just froze in their place.
~ In the driveway is…Demi and Katie rolling up in a white stalker van.
~ THIS EPISODE IS SAVED. BRING ‘EM OUT.
~ Back from commercial & Jed is serenading us with his guitar. Or should I say, attempting to serenade.
~ Roll Tide Counter: 10
~ In the white van, Demi and Katie are spying on every conversation in the house. They’ll definitely find something problematic. The producers wouldn’t waste money on this.
~ Demi’s sweater is ripped, girl come on.
~ Easy with the slander, Cass, maybe it’s a fashion statement!
~ Demi says “someone” “reached out to her” “on social media” saying one of the guys here has a girlfriend. That sounds like a fake story but I’ll allow it.
~ Joe Boxer is now ranting about being able to make any size box. Demi isn’t impressed.
~ So when Peter Pilot gets the helicopter date, will Chasen be jealous?
~ Hannah is talking to Scott now and Demi identifies him as the guy with the girlfriend.
~ Scott loves interior design and starts showing her pictures, so they can pick out fixtures that will make their house a home.
~ Chris Harrison comes in all serious looking for Hannah, & brings her to the stalker van.
~ As if the show didn’t know that Scott had a girlfriend before he met Hannah. Of course they did.
~ Chris brings her outside and Demi breaks the news about Scott.
~ Hannah goes back in and the BEAST is about to come out and play.
~ Hannah came in hot there & all the guys look scared. I would be too.
~ It’s like when you hear your teacher yell for the first time. Everyone shuts up and tries not to move, but then they leave the room and everyone looks around like, “Oh my goodness, what just happened?”
~ “I don’t have a girlfriend” says Scott, in the most guilty tone ever.
~ Scott going on about “how they clicked & how they’ll be together long-term” but Demi is here being like, “homeboy has a girlfriend.”
~ “Here for the right reasons”. Drink!
~ She didn’t even beat around the bush, she was like, “You have a girlfriend.”
~ Scott says he was dating a girl up until Monday…which means he went through the whole casting process with a girlfriend.
~ Scott’s over here being like “nope, nope”. Stop lying.
~ YOU TELL HIM HANNAH, YOU TELL HIM GIRL!!!
~ She’s sending Scott home. Demi celebrates in the van. I’m surprised she hasn’t honked the horn yet.
~ I feel like they cast Scott just to use him as a patsy they could feed to the beast, so Hannah could legitimize herself as the bachelorette early on.
~ Hannah goes back and tells the guys that Scott has a girlfriend back home.
~ All the guys are like, “How dare he lead you on and breathe the same air as us single people!”
~ How could Chris Harrison allow him in the mansion? The sacred mansion!
~ Yes Luke, the mood is killed.
~ Hannah goes to cry in the backyard and stands about 25 feet away from the door, with a camera crew set up to catch whoever walks out the door next.
~ This is literally a set-up so someone can go console her and the guys don’t see it…yet.
~ I like how they’re all like, “yes let’s give her time & then Luke’s like, “let me be your hero”.
~ Luke looks like Bryce Harper with less hair.
~ “I’m here to win your heart”….but what if you’re not meant to spend your lives together?
~ “I’m here for you” and “This journey” are in the Bachelor(ette) handbook under, “Words you should say if you want the editors to use clips of your conversation on TV”.
~ Hannah walks in to get the first impression rose and brings it to Luke because he’s the only one who cared about her well-being earlier.
~ Not even surprised that Luke got the first impression rose.
~ That was way too steamy of a kiss for TV.
~ Luke is already saying to the camera that he can see himself falling in love with her. A producer probably asked him that question and he just repeated it as a statement.
~ Chris Harrison comes in with a knife and wine glass to break up the party. It’s an odd weapon/shield combo, but it works for him.
~ It’s time for the first Rose Ceremony of the season.
~ Cam and Luke already have roses.
~ Mike gets the first rose.
~ Connor S. gets the next rose. He went with no tie tonight, which means he forgot to pack one, or he didn’t have enough time to watch a YouTube tutorial before getting dressed.
~ Matthew gets the next rose.
~ Connor J. spoke French and threw her a bachelorette party tonight. He gets a rose.
~ Jed, Dustin, and Joey (who’s Joey?) get roses.
~ Devin – the guy who put 19 words into a 12-word sentence – gets a rose.
~ Peter Pilot flies in for a rose.
~ Banquet Hall Waiter, Dylan, gets a rose.
~ Matteo and Jonathan get roses.
~ Tyler The Contractor gets a rose. He’ll dance later.
~ Tyler G. and Daron get roses.
~ Nick Viall impersonator, Luke S., gets a rose.
~ Garrett gets a rose.
~ Oh look, John Paul Jones’ occupation is listed as John Paul Jones.
~ Grant and Kevin get roses.
~ The final rose of the night goes to JOHN PAUL JONES. Oh man.
~ How could she keep John Paul Jones over some of the guys she sent home, come on girl.
~ Chasen didn’t get a rose? So much for that two-on-one with Peter Pilot.
~ I didn’t even get to use a Chasen Your Seatbelts pun.
~ Joe Boxer is gone too? Hannah is shutting down my jokes before I even get started.
~ But thank goodness she sent Joe packing (see what I did, you can laugh)
~ That was such a Paul joke.
~ Back to John Paul Jones for a second – if he puts on a hat at any point during this season, I’m calling him Jughead Jones.
~ YAY, sneak peek time!
~ HOLY COW, she drops “LOVE”.
~ Who is in the ambulance?
~ There is so much testosterone.
~ So, we have to wait for the fantasy suite to see who she’s talking about, ugh. Tell me now!
~ In the previews Hannah says, “Holy ham, I’m in Amsterdam!” I’m disappointed I didn’t have the chance to come up with that first.
~ Chris at the end complaining about Joe & the box. Priceless.
~ The final Roll Tide count was 10 (unconfirmed). If you picked under 11.5, you win my heart. Not really, I was just trying to keep with the theme.
Thank you Paul for giving me the honour of appearing again on the best Bachelorette recap. I am honestly so honoured to be back! This season is going to be a hell of a ride, so buckle up.
Normally, I give my Top 5 at the end of the first episode, but I don’t really have any. Most of them felt very rehearsed and gimmicky. The pilots seemed cool, though.
You can find who Cass’ Top 5 are by clicking HERE.
Thanks for reading! We’ll see you next week for a considerably shorter recap post.
Share your thoughts in the comments below.