Are You The One?

Woah, hold on. I can hear the alarms going off already. Let’s turn those off, remove the batteries, and not read too much into the title. Instead, let’s read into this post.

Boom, word play. Drink it in.

Raise your hand when you’ve removed the batteries from your alarm.

On Saturday, I woke up with a headache. I said, “Headache, how dareth thou ruineth my favourite day of this here half fortnight?

And it said, “Paul, you ain’t no Shakespeare.”

And I said, “I’m Milkshakespeare.”

Boom, word play. Drink it in.

I could end this post here and be satisfied.

Anyway, the headache was still lingering after lunch, so I decided to watch TV because new studies show that by taking your mind off the headache, the headache gets taken off your mind.

I made that up, but it sounds right, doesn’t it?

There was nothing on TV, except college football games where the score was 28-3 and the team with the ball was running it up the middle for a gain of one.

Yay, student athletes! At that point, just end the game. These kids have important essays to write in APA format. You see the backup quarterback with a clipboard? He’s not writing down football stuff.

He’s mapping out his five paragraph essay about Ancient Greece and how they would have chariot races down at the hippodrome.

Fun story: I once found myself sitting in the second last row of an Ancient Sports lecture and the professor asked, “How long is a hippodrome?”

I thought it was one of those questions where everyone would shout out an answer, or at the very least mutter one. So I said, “Eight laps.” I didn’t even think I said it that loudly, but no one else in the class said anything.

Everyone chuckled and the professor clarified that he wasn’t looking for the length of a race, but rather the size of the track.

OH.

I then stuffed myself into my backpack and had someone zip me up. And now I blog, semi-anonymously.

Hi I’m Paul and this is my TED Talk. (Did I do that right?)

Now back to my Saturday afternoon…

So I’m flipping around and somehow find myself watching MTV. I never watch MTV – I couldn’t name seven of their shows if you asked me to.

I say “seven” because I could probably luck myself into coming up with six that I’ve heard of, but seven is pushing it. Let’s try.

1. Jersey Shore
2. The Challenge
3. 16 And Pregnant
4. Teen Mom
5. Cribs (No relation to babies)
6. The Hills (DIDN’T EXPECT TO SEE THAT HERE, DID YA?)

See, don’t doubt me.

The show I was watching was called, Are You The One? Now does the title of this post make sense?

That program pulled me in like it was the Bermuda Triangle. I pressed the “Guide” button and realized I had tuned in during the first episode of a six episode marathon.

Each episode was one hour.

Math Question: If Paul watched all six episodes, how many hours was Paul parked on the couch? Show your work using pictures, words, numbers, and a scan of your brain activity to prove you didn’t just use a calculator.

That’s right. Six hours. I apologize to no one.

Let me tell you about this show – Are You The One?

It’s a game show where a groom-to-be, or not to be, enters a room holding 12 wedding cakes. His bride-to-be, or not to be, has already chosen which one she wants for their wedding. It is up to him to select the wedding cake he thinks his future wife picked. He gets three strikes before the wedding is called off.

I made that up. Pretty good, right? Probably more of a Food Network show, though.

I came up with that show concept in about 16 seconds. I scare myself sometimes.

Here’s what Are You The One? is really about:

22 strangers – 11 guys and 11 girls – are living in a house in Hawaii. They are all single and have been classified as “terrible at dating”. They are there to find love, fame, and Instagram followers.

The producers have secretly matched each guy with a girl, using a matchmaking algorithm.  It is up to the contestants to figure out who their “Perfect Match” is, by the end of the ten weeks.

If everyone finds their Perfect Match, they will share a prize of $1 Million.

Exciting, right? Hear me out further.

Each week, two guys and two girls go on a group date. This is decided by “fate” when their faces scroll quickly on a screen, and slow to a stop when someone presses a button.

In other words, the producers control who goes on the dates and want them to believe it’s random.

While those four individuals are away, the rest of the house is choosing one guy and one girl from that date, to send to the Truth Booth.

The Truth Booth is a room that confirms if two people are a Perfect Match, or not. If the couple is a Perfect Match, they are removed from the house and get to go hang out in a different house with the other Perfect Matches.

At the end of each week, a Matching Ceremony is held. This is where the show bleeds over and steals the concept from Bachelor in Paradise – who stole it from Paradise Hotel – where one gender is seated and the other gender selects them one at a time.

If there are no matches, the prize money is cut in half.

Looking at this from a mathematical perspective, there is a strategy to this. Write down all the combinations and week by week, slowly figure it out, and win the money.

BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY DO.

I should point out that while 6 episodes were on TV that day, this season (Season 7) has already aired 13 episodes and the finale is on Wednesday. So yes, I’ve already watched the other 7 episodes online.

This show is absolute chaos because for the longest time, they couldn’t get more than three matches.

But the thing is, when they get a match at the Matching Ceremony, they aren’t told which couples are the match. It’s all guess work! That’s why the Truth Booth is important.

After every disappointing ceremony, they’d go back to the house and say they all need to work on making more connections and talk to different people.

So on one hand, you have this game for one million dollars where it’s your responsibility to get to know everyone and figure out if they’re you’re match.

On the other hand, a lot of them are connected to one person and venturing away from that is always met with yelling, tears, and hurt feelings.

It’s mayhem and I can’t look away.

Heading into the finale, there are two Perfect Matches that have been confirmed. The most matches they’ve had at a Matching Ceremony was four. They need eleven to win. I don’t think they’ll get there.

They’ve been told to play the game with their heart – surely, so they don’t use their brain to figure out the mathematical combinations – and if they did, they would find their perfect match. Hahahaha.

Maybe there’s some truth to that, but that didn’t stop them from coupling off with the person they wanted, rather than needed.

So, that’s how I spent my Saturday. By Episode 3, my headache was gone.

I’m sure some of you think my made up show about wedding cakes sounds better. Quite frankly, it does. Let Food Network know. They won’t return my calls ever since I pitched, Paulo’s Kitchen.

I highly recommend this show. MTV has posted every episode online, so you know what to do.

Angry mob of readers: “Avoid it!”

If you already watch this show, you’re my new favourite person. If you don’t, we can still be acquaintances…I guess.

Alright, I’m done. This was a lot to unpack. (Yes, this is a call back to when I said I stuffed myself into my backpack).

You may now judge me.