Are You The One?

Woah, hold on. I can hear the alarms going off already. Let’s turn those off, remove the batteries, and not read too much into the title. Instead, let’s read into this post.

Boom, word play. Drink it in.

Raise your hand when you’ve removed the batteries from your alarm.

On Saturday, I woke up with a headache. I said, “Headache, how dareth thou ruineth my favourite day of this here half fortnight?

And it said, “Paul, you ain’t no Shakespeare.”

And I said, “I’m Milkshakespeare.”

Boom, word play. Drink it in.

I could end this post here and be satisfied.

Anyway, the headache was still lingering after lunch, so I decided to watch TV because new studies show that by taking your mind off the headache, the headache gets taken off your mind.

I made that up, but it sounds right, doesn’t it?

There was nothing on TV, except college football games where the score was 28-3 and the team with the ball was running it up the middle for a gain of one.

Yay, student athletes! At that point, just end the game. These kids have important essays to write in APA format. You see the backup quarterback with a clipboard? He’s not writing down football stuff.

He’s mapping out his five paragraph essay about Ancient Greece and how they would have chariot races down at the hippodrome.

Fun story: I once found myself sitting in the second last row of an Ancient Sports lecture and the professor asked, “How long is a hippodrome?”

I thought it was one of those questions where everyone would shout out an answer, or at the very least mutter one. So I said, “Eight laps.” I didn’t even think I said it that loudly, but no one else in the class said anything.

Everyone chuckled and the professor clarified that he wasn’t looking for the length of a race, but rather the size of the track.

OH.

I then stuffed myself into my backpack and had someone zip me up. And now I blog, semi-anonymously.

Hi I’m Paul and this is my TED Talk. (Did I do that right?)

Now back to my Saturday afternoon…

So I’m flipping around and somehow find myself watching MTV. I never watch MTV – I couldn’t name seven of their shows if you asked me to.

I say “seven” because I could probably luck myself into coming up with six that I’ve heard of, but seven is pushing it. Let’s try.

1. Jersey Shore
2. The Challenge
3. 16 And Pregnant
4. Teen Mom
5. Cribs (No relation to babies)
6. The Hills (DIDN’T EXPECT TO SEE THAT HERE, DID YA?)

See, don’t doubt me.

The show I was watching was called, Are You The One? Now does the title of this post make sense?

That program pulled me in like it was the Bermuda Triangle. I pressed the “Guide” button and realized I had tuned in during the first episode of a six episode marathon.

Each episode was one hour.

Math Question: If Paul watched all six episodes, how many hours was Paul parked on the couch? Show your work using pictures, words, numbers, and a scan of your brain activity to prove you didn’t just use a calculator.

That’s right. Six hours. I apologize to no one.

Let me tell you about this show – Are You The One?

It’s a game show where a groom-to-be, or not to be, enters a room holding 12 wedding cakes. His bride-to-be, or not to be, has already chosen which one she wants for their wedding. It is up to him to select the wedding cake he thinks his future wife picked. He gets three strikes before the wedding is called off.

I made that up. Pretty good, right? Probably more of a Food Network show, though.

I came up with that show concept in about 16 seconds. I scare myself sometimes.

Here’s what Are You The One? is really about:

22 strangers – 11 guys and 11 girls – are living in a house in Hawaii. They are all single and have been classified as “terrible at dating”. They are there to find love, fame, and Instagram followers.

The producers have secretly matched each guy with a girl, using a matchmaking algorithm.  It is up to the contestants to figure out who their “Perfect Match” is, by the end of the ten weeks.

If everyone finds their Perfect Match, they will share a prize of $1 Million.

Exciting, right? Hear me out further.

Each week, two guys and two girls go on a group date. This is decided by “fate” when their faces scroll quickly on a screen, and slow to a stop when someone presses a button.

In other words, the producers control who goes on the dates and want them to believe it’s random.

While those four individuals are away, the rest of the house is choosing one guy and one girl from that date, to send to the Truth Booth.

The Truth Booth is a room that confirms if two people are a Perfect Match, or not. If the couple is a Perfect Match, they are removed from the house and get to go hang out in a different house with the other Perfect Matches.

At the end of each week, a Matching Ceremony is held. This is where the show bleeds over and steals the concept from Bachelor in Paradise – who stole it from Paradise Hotel – where one gender is seated and the other gender selects them one at a time.

If there are no matches, the prize money is cut in half.

Looking at this from a mathematical perspective, there is a strategy to this. Write down all the combinations and week by week, slowly figure it out, and win the money.

BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY DO.

I should point out that while 6 episodes were on TV that day, this season (Season 7) has already aired 13 episodes and the finale is on Wednesday. So yes, I’ve already watched the other 7 episodes online.

This show is absolute chaos because for the longest time, they couldn’t get more than three matches.

But the thing is, when they get a match at the Matching Ceremony, they aren’t told which couples are the match. It’s all guess work! That’s why the Truth Booth is important.

After every disappointing ceremony, they’d go back to the house and say they all need to work on making more connections and talk to different people.

So on one hand, you have this game for one million dollars where it’s your responsibility to get to know everyone and figure out if they’re you’re match.

On the other hand, a lot of them are connected to one person and venturing away from that is always met with yelling, tears, and hurt feelings.

It’s mayhem and I can’t look away.

Heading into the finale, there are two Perfect Matches that have been confirmed. The most matches they’ve had at a Matching Ceremony was four. They need eleven to win. I don’t think they’ll get there.

They’ve been told to play the game with their heart – surely, so they don’t use their brain to figure out the mathematical combinations – and if they did, they would find their perfect match. Hahahaha.

Maybe there’s some truth to that, but that didn’t stop them from coupling off with the person they wanted, rather than needed.

So, that’s how I spent my Saturday. By Episode 3, my headache was gone.

I’m sure some of you think my made up show about wedding cakes sounds better. Quite frankly, it does. Let Food Network know. They won’t return my calls ever since I pitched, Paulo’s Kitchen.

I highly recommend this show. MTV has posted every episode online, so you know what to do.

Angry mob of readers: “Avoid it!”

If you already watch this show, you’re my new favourite person. If you don’t, we can still be acquaintances…I guess.

Alright, I’m done. This was a lot to unpack. (Yes, this is a call back to when I said I stuffed myself into my backpack).

You may now judge me.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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43 Responses to Are You The One?

  1. Let’s just get one thing clear straight away: Paulo was robbed and he deserves his own Food Network show!

    There. I said it!! Let the Food Network gods punish me whatever way they see fit but they done messed up!

    And your version of the show does sound so much better. But I think it should be about all the wedding choices. Have the bride pick everything and if the groom makes it through all the rounds, there she is at the end in her dress and it’s their actual wedding!

    But this show sounds like it would give me a headache not take it away. I’ve never been one to enjoy the dating reality shows. I did watch one season of bachelor pad or whatever it is where all the old rejected male and female contestants try again for love. But that was teachers college for me and my brain needed something to detox from kindergarten teaching lol

    And once again I’ve written a book when I’ve only wanted to say a little. Sorry for taking up so much space! Not really – I regret nothing! Viva le Paulo’s kitchen!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Viva le Paulo’s Kitchen ahahaha. It really is the Food Network’s loss. Ohh I like your idea about the show being about all the wedding choices. Could probably sell the show to TLC at that point.

      Yeah, honestly I couldn’t care less about the dating aspect of this show, I just found it intriguing that they each had to find their match and weren’t looking at it as a mathematical equation until Week 8 lol. Stupidity is interesting to me I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I LOVE this show lol I’ve watched almost every season, it’s like the perfect amount of stupid drama for me! When I read the title of your post I was just hoping this is what you were writing about

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Becky Turner says:

    Um, what’s with you and dating shows?

    I’m also “terrible at dating” but you’d never find me on one of those shows. I have too many things going on to just uproot and go on a television show.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      That’s a valid question and the answer is I don’t know. I didn’t really care much for the dating aspect, I was more concerned with the challenge of matching everyone.

      I think all the contestants were between age 21-23 which told me they took a semester off of school or just graduated and are doing nothing.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Jess says:

    First of all, is Cribs even on anymore? Because I remember that show circa 2002. Which goes to show how old you are 🙂 Secondly, $1 Million between 22 people? That’s less than $50,000 hahaha I mean, I understand the end goal is to find your soulmate but still. Seems like a lot of work for $50,000 when you could just get a job at Liberty Mutual.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Wikipedia says Cribs is still going, somehow… It was revived and the episodes now air on Snapchat Discover, whatever that is. Haha I don’t think the contestants are smart enough to figure out how much money they’re actually getting. Just there to get drunk and embarrass their family on TV.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Bryan Fagan says:

    You were sucked in. They grabbed you by the toe. They promised to rid you of your headache and before you knew it you were wrapping up the final episode.

    Come on man, you’re in Canada. One of the greatest places in the world. Get out and enjoy what you got before you become an MTV junkie.

    A side note; My kids caught me watching MTV Classics the other day. Busted!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Bryan Fagan says:

    Old ’80’s and ’90’s videos. It’s not like I can’t see them on youtube. Something about the big screen pulled me in. Madonna, The Cure. A little bit of Motley Crue. Good for the soul. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dutch Lion says:

    Buddy, you are hilarious. I love your writing. “Hippodrome” and “TED Talk” made me LOL. Thanks for the comedy!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ely says:

    Ok you have my attention Paul!!! I’m going to watch this thing and then I’m gonna come back to this post and put all my comments here as I go LOL or I’ll just DM you. Probably. Lol also. How dare they not give Paulo his own show!!! “Practical Meals with Chef Paulo” it would be a hit! Damn it. Also? I won’t even Lie.
    I literally thought the wedding cake deal was the actual show.
    I’m too easy. lol!!! Keep you posted on my thoughts on this show! I’m currently hooked on Wentworth. But almost done.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      LOL no way! Are you really!? Oh man. I’m giddy with excitement haha

      I agree with you on Chef Paulo! Maybe if he puts on a disguise he can pitch another show….hmmm

      I need to write about The Walking Dead so then we can have an intellectual conversation about it lol

      Also, just a heads up – in the comments section of my most recent blog post, you received compliments.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        OHHHH so many things to say about that! I wouldn’t even know where to start about TWD lol it’s been too much. I lost interest last season but now with Rick “disappeared” and JUDITH being such a boss and with NEAGAN STILL a prisoner! Whaaaattt is happening!!!! Crap. Hopefully you’re caught up?! lol I should’ve asked first. Damn it.
        Saw the comments! Love WordPress. I’m so grateful for you guys I can call friends on here. Seriously. Ok no more sappy stuff! Happy Monday Paul!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        SPOILERS!!!

        Haha just kidding, I’m all caught up. Judith is the best! I’m liking this time jump they’ve done, except for the fact that Carol looks like Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween. I want Negan to be free! He’s too good of a character to be locked away and having no lines except “I’m not eating today”.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        YESSSS! Carol is basically a Vigilante, love her! And yes I want NEGAN FREE!!! We should make shirts that say FREE NEGAN! Lol!!! But did you see when he was helping Judith with a math problem and she was all like “I only need help with math. Math doesn’t care if you’re a good or bad person” or something like that? It wasn’t exact so
        I shouldn’t have quoted that lol but that little moment was like BOOOMMM!! Go Judith!! Negan is just vital. He’s addictive to watch on this show. #iamNegan

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Yes!! I loved that scene. I like how he’s now an after school homework tutor. I just want him to be free and coach a youth football team or something haha

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        LOL. Do you think there’s any possibility that he’s been rehabilitated? That he will turn into a useful member of this after-life society?! I feel like he emotionally tortures me because I really want him to end up being the protagonist here! I have high hopes for the man, I really do. Oh this has been a good conversation! lol!! Also? Rick? Government pawn. For sure.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I think there will come a day where Negan is let out, probably when they eventually get over run but the next group of villains and instead of turning on them, Negan protects Judith or something and that wins over Michonne.

        Yeah the makers of the show said Rick is done with the TV show and is going to be making 3 made for TV movies to further his stories, so we’ll find out in those what happens. He left the show because he wants to be with his family in England.

        I still think he’ll come back to the show at some point, even if it’s one episode. They sort of allude to Rick in last night’s episode but I won’t spoil it!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Omg! What??! That’s it?! They can’t leave everyone believing he’s dead when he’s actually not!! Whattt?! Oh hell to the no. lol that’s insane! Ok I’m getting caught up after work! First thing! Never mind dinner! LOL

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        LOL yeah so for the people who don’t read about the show, or watch the after show, they’re gonna be in the dark about Rick forever.

        You are Negan and Negan doesn’t need food!!! Just repeat that to yourself if you get hungry.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        LMFAO!!!! I will repeat that! And man I usually start falling asleep when the talk comes on. I need to pay more attention damn it. True fans would KNOW this information. Very annoyed with lack of attention to detail. But thanks for the heads up! Is there anything you DO NOT know or are NOT good at?! Geez lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Hahaha government forms and anything bank related. I need adult supervision.

        OH here’s something that will blow your mind. The kid who now plays Henry, his little brother played younger Henry, and his sister played Sophia in the first 2 seasons! So Carol’s “kids” are all siblings in real life!! Sophia and the current Henry were only Talking Dead last night.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Really??! That’s so cool! I can’t wait ok I’m watching the whole thing and the Talking Dead too! Damn it. Last week’s as well! Lol

        I also suck at Anything bank related and politics. I don’t even vote because I’m afraid I’ll be partially responsible for the potential demise of a country and I can’t have that on my conscience. I’m just saying. Ok catch up about TWD soon! lol I bombed this comment feed! Sorry!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        It was fun! I’ll write about the show and we’ll talk more there. Andddd break! (I just broke the huddle) (Does this make sense?) (Don’t answer that)

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        I hit like but I won’t “answer” so as to stop the conversation. Ok I just answered. Bye. Lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        PS- I haven’t seen last nights episode! Careful! Lol

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Ely says:

    Ok. I’m back to let you know I’ve actually fulfilled my promise and I am WATCHING THIS DEMON-show!!!!! The thing is I am watching it “ON-DEMAND” which they only give me seasons 6 and 7. Ok. I’m watching season 6, and I saw like 5-6 episodes in one sitting (pathetic right?) LOL I have to say I’m kind of hooked and amused by how DUMB AND EASY these people are!!! Like wait? First of all? The BOOM BOOM ROOM?! Wtf!!!!!??? Lol are they all SHARING THIS and how often are the sheets being changed because this is just nasty lol. Also? YOU JUST MET why are you In love??!!! How OLD are you?! And can’t you see it’s not
    Really about feelings but it’s about figuring out who your match SHOULD BE not who you want it to be so that you can win the freaking money??! These people are on week 5-6 and have ZERO MATCHES in the honey moon suite and 3 BEAMS HAVE LIT UP, ever!!!! How dumb are they?! I can’t! Paul! I can’t. Lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      LOL ELY, I can’t stop laughing. It’s so ridiculous but amazingly addicting! Everything you questioned about the boom boom room is exactly what I thought too! Like can we get a health inspector in that house every 12 hours? Why can’t these people sit in a circle all day and figure out the matches and go home by the end of the week?? I’ve only seen season 7, wait until you get there. It’s bananas!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Ely says:

    Oh I can’t wait! You have To go back to season 6. So much gossip!!! LOL. I’m not into reality series that much but this is just too good. Ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ely says:

    I’m back again. UPDATE: season 7, like episode 8 right now. I have one word: BRIA! Lmfaoooo also my fave guy in the house is by FAR, MOE. Someone needs to notice this guy he cooks he cleans he’s chill he’s mature hellllooo?????!!!! As far as the rest of these girls, I LOVE NUTSA, She’s tiny but super confident. If I could drown one person in the house it would be the chick with Tevin that her ex came and looked just like him and she was such an ass I can’t stand that hoe. lol I’m hooked

    Liked by 1 person

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