I don’t know what I’m doing.
Ever have those days where you feel like nothing will ever change? That you’re stuck in the same place, the same day, forever? And you’ll just live that day, over and over again?
I do. Happened yesterday.
I guess I’ve been fighting off the urge to cry ever since dinner. You may find that lame, but I don’t really care.
How do people know what they want to be when they grow up? Because I fit the definition of a “grown up” and I still have no clue.
You know how hard it is going to family events, or even just the dentist, and when they ask you about yourself, you reluctantly mention that you have a blog and they expect you to say how you plan to turn it into a career as a writer, or something in the media, but all you can say is, “Yeah, I don’t know if I want to do that exactly.”
It’s not that hard. You get used to it.
I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this “stuck” feeling that no one told me about.
Life always seemed to follow a pattern: you go to school, you go to more school, you graduate, you get a job, and all the knowledge you didn’t have when you were a kid, miraculously appears in your brain. And off you go.
No one told me what to do when I don’t know what to do.
For the last five years, I feel like I’ve been chasing my tail, trying to recreate the past and see if it still applies to the future. It doesn’t.
I have no clue what I want to do with my life because I never put any thought into it. Even when I decided to go to university, there was no clear goal for me. I just figured that I’d have it figured out by the end of the four years.
I still don’t.
I like sports. I think I’m creative. I’m the best writer I know. See, at least all the confidence isn’t gone.
Based on those three things, you’d expect me to be in marketing or advertising, or a sport journalist. Heck, even one of those witty social media people for a sports team.
Nope. Not interested.
Sorry if I’m sounding pessimistic.
So where does that leave me? In a dark room, writing blog posts in the middle of the night, hoping this will eventually turn into a motivational story one day. I’ll settle for a funny story.
I just don’t know.
As a kid, I always had teachers say I had a good head on my shoulders. I didn’t even know what that meant. What made my head “good”.
One teacher told my mom that they wish their kids turn out like me. Ah, so that’s what it means.
High praise, right?
Maybe I peaked too soon.
“You can be anything you want.” Yeah, well I don’t even know that.
Perhaps I should’ve been a bigger fan of Halloween. I hated choosing a costume. I was the “Scream” for two years and didn’t even know there was a movie called Scream. It was just an easy thing to wear.
I’ve tried to go back through my life and figure out how my other classmates grew up knowing what they want to do, and I didn’t.
In grade 7, we each had to give a 3-5 minute speech in class. The teacher called on someone to go first. They weren’t ready. He called on the next person. They weren’t ready.
By the time he called on the 4th person to go, everyone had realized all they had to say was “I’m not ready” and they’d be given a free pass for another day.
I was the 7th or 8th person that was called, everyone ahead of me “wasn’t ready”. So what did I do? I stood up and went to the front of the class and gave my speech on “A Day in the Life of a Toronto Maple Leaf.”
I was ready.
I think of moments like that and wonder where that level of certainty in me has gone.
Maybe it was easier to be certain back then because I didn’t really have to do anything except what I was told to do.
Now that I have the freedom to choose, I have no clue.
I present a funny persona online because it feels good. My default setting is to make a joke. It makes me feel like I’m sure of something. And I like knowing that people laughed at something I said. It creates a circle of happiness, I think.
Also, I can’t bring myself to write something boring. There has to be a flare to it, even if it’s just one sentence that’s off kilter.
I’m feeling better, so I’m going to end this.
I know all the clichés. I know not to compare myself to others. I know that good things happen when you least expect it. I know that everyone moves at their own pace. I know.
But that doesn’t make the clock tick any slower.
It just makes it tick louder and louder.
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