Guess who’s back, back again, Paul is back, for episode ten.
~ They are in Ica, Peru this week which I bet is a “great place to fall in love.” I’ll wait for confirmation.
~ “I could definitely see myself falling in love in Peru.” – Arie
~ And there it is.
~ Arie’s first date is with Kendall.
~ “I’m definitely falling for him.”
~ Arie wore a grey t-shirt to the desert. The sweat stains are coming. The sweat stains are coming!
~ “Dune Buggying is like a relationship.” -Arie
~ Oh yeah, they’re riding a dune buggy and it stops before going over a ledge. This gives them the giggles because they “almost died.”
~ Arie thinks being married to Kendall would be exciting because she’s so interesting.
~ The giggles on this date are continuing. I haven’t found a second of this funny yet.
~ Kendall wants Arie to see passed her quirkiness.
~ She’s frustrated that the other women are ready for a proposal and she’s not.
~ Ah, nothing like proposal peer pressure.
~ “I haven’t dated anyone like you. I’m always curious about you.” – Arie
~ The curiosity probably comes from the fact that they never talk about anything, but who am I to know?
~ Arie is okay with the taxidermy thing now. Oh?
~ Kendall tells him she’s falling in love with him and they kiss.
~ Interesting, because when Lauren A. told him that, he excused himself from dinner to go stand somewhere else. But it’s not because he was scared. No, no, no. He said everything was fine!
~ Arie has handed her the fantasy suite card, which is written by Christopher Harrison.
~ I will never understand why Chris H. has to be the one to invite them to use the fantasy suite for the night.
~ Harrison Manor rules do not apply in Peru, Chris. You have no legislation there. Stop third wheeling and go roll up your sleeves.
~ Kendall accepts the invitation to the fantasy suite.
~ For those of you who don’t know what’s about to happen, I’ll tell you. Arie is going to spend the night with three different women, three nights in a row.
~ So yeah, put the kids to sleep now.
~ It’s the next morning and they are still kissing. Their lips have disintegrated to nothing, like Voldemort’s.
~ Awwwwww they are cooking eggs for breakfast. Totes adorbs.
~ This show is such a cliché.
~ Still no sweat stains on Arie’s grey shirt. There is some sorcery going on, for sure.
~ Lauren A. is up next.
~ “Welcome to Peru.”
~ I thought we were over this!
~ They hop in a plane and fly over the Nazca Lines.
~ Designs are drawn into the ground and visible from the sky. They see a monkey.
~ Arie is acting like a 4-year-old who is playing with sand for the first time.
~ Lauren doesn’t seem to care. Again, she’s gone quiet!
~ Back on land, they talk about a whole lot of nothing.
~ They constantly talk about their feelings for each other, but I don’t know where those feelings came from.
~ Lauren tells him she feels like walking away from this sometimes.
~ “Hopefully tonight I can see more of her.” – Ehh probably not the wording you want to use on the fantasy suite episode…
~ Arie tells the camera that he loves Lauren. However, he can’t tell her that because that breaks an unwritten rule of this show.
~ The bachelor must lead on as many women, for as long as possible, without divulging their true feelings until 4.52 seconds before they propose.
~ That way, it’s a shock to everyone!
~ Holy cannoli, he just told Lauren that he loves her!
~ The rules hath been broken!
~ Hey Lauren, ask him why the other two women are still there if he loves you. Ask him!
~ Arie whips out the fantasy suite card, again written by Chris Harrison, to distract her.
~ Does Chris H. dress up as cupid on Valentine’s Day, or Halloween? Or both?
~ As they kiss in the fantasy suite, we have a 90s song playing.
~ “How do I…oh how do I live without you…I want to know…how do I breathe without you…if you ever go?”
~ That song.
~ It’s the next morning and again, the cameras are right on them the moment they wake up.
~ Will they go make breakfast? Will it be french toast, or a fruit platter?
~ I must be missing something. They’re both in love with each other, but their dates have been so awkward up until now.
~ This episode isn’t giving me any material to be funny. I’m sorry. I’ll be better. Here, I’ll make up a joke.
~ So a bachelor and three women walk into a restaurant. The waiter asks, “One bill, or separate?” The bachelor replies, “One bill, but we’re not together.”
~ That’s my joke. It’s a real thinker.
~ You see, Arie will pay for everyone so he asks for one bill. But the four of them aren’t together.
~ Did anyone laugh at that? I’m a riot at parties, I swear.
~ Note: I don’t go to parties.
~ I amaze myself at how quickly I come up with utter nonsense.
~ Time for Becca and Arie to go on a date. They are boarding a catamaran because they can never stay in one place on this show.
~ They do the Titanic pose on the boat.
~ This is the 49th time they’ve been on a boat this season.
~ Becca says she never thought she’d be on a catamaran with her boyfriend.
~ I think she means, “Our boyfriend” but Lauren and Kendall aren’t there so I’ll let it slide.
~ If you think about it, they could change the name of this show to Communal Boyfriend. Imagine seeing that in your TV Guide for the first time.
~ They have no doubts in their relationship. Well that’s grand. I’m sure that’ll change eventually.
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and they are sitting inside something that looks like a tent, but there are plants in the tent.
~ Arie and Becca have no questions for each other.
~ You know in school how the teacher would go around asking if anyone needed help and no one ever did, so it was just a laid back work period, but then when test day arrived, everyone was lost? That’s the vibe I get from Arie and Becca.
~ I have a really roundabout way of saying things, but it’s worth it because I’m always bang on.
~ Becca told him she loves him.
~ Arie admits he loves her too.
~ He kisses her quickly, so she can’t ask if he said the same thing to Lauren yesterday.
~ Out comes the fantasy suite card.
~ “Arie and Becca, I hope you enjoyed your time sailing amongst Islas Ballestas. If you choose to forego your individual rooms tonight, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. – CH”
~ There has to be a better way of presenting this opportunity to them than having the host of the show give them a key in an envelope.
~ How about when they check into the hotel, the person behind the counter gives them each a key to the same room without telling them, and then gives them different directions on how to get to their “own” room. That way, they’ll arrive to the room and be like, “Oh hey, fancy seeing you here. Is this your room? But this is my room…. Ohhh that sneaky matchmaker down at reception!”
~ She accepts the invitation and their fantasy sweet is basically a bigger tent, but with a door. There is no hotel.
~ My suggestion doesn’t work in the desert, I suppose.
~ Are they glamping?
~ Am I glamp-shaming them?
~ Is glamp-shaming a thing? Quick, let’s put together an 18-person focus group!
~ They are sharing the bed with a platter of strawberries, which are being neglected.
~ Arie says there’s a part of him that wants to end this now and propose in the sand dunes.
~ Oh look, another morning chat in bed.
~ They need to get more creative.
~ They are having breakfast on a blanket on the sand. It’s a fruit platter (called it!) and a bottle of wine?
~ 80% of this date has been spent kissing.
~ Becca says she sees her life partner in Arie. If that’s the case, congrats.
~ What’s this? An intruder?
~ It’s Becca’s old boyfriend!
~ Looks like the “doubt” in their relationship has arrived.
~ He doesn’t know anything about this show and didn’t know it ended in a proposal until someone told him. So, naturally, he got on a plane to go to Peru.
~ “I don’t want to be on this show.” – Intruder Peruder
~ Cool, just wear this microphone for us, as we show you where Arie and Becca are staying. Oh, and don’t look at the camera. We’re trying to give the whole, “This is real life and they don’t even know they’re being filmed” vibe.
~ Ohhh the shenanigans.
~ His name is Ross and he’s knocking on Arie’s door. Arie answers, looking stunned.
~ “I’m Becca’s ex”….and they cut to commercial so you can all tweet about it!
~ Arie thought it was hotel management. So there is a hotel!
~ Ross found out a week ago that Becca is on the show. How did he know she was still on it though?
~ The producers, obviously.
~ Ross wants to propose to her ahahahaha you’re too late! Arie already went glamping with her. That’s it! It’s over. You missed your chance.
~ “She’s the one for me.” – Ross
~ They broke up a year ago, and it took him this long to realize he wanted to propose to Becca. What a coink-e-dink.
~ Can we have an impromptu cage match? Chris H. can be the referee. I can do commentary.
~ Why isn’t Arie asking the producers why they allowed this guy on the show?
~ Becca is in room 55, how did Ross know that? The security measures at this hotel are poor.
~ “What’s his right to come here during this experience?” – Arie
~ That’s not the question I told you to ask, Arie!
~ Becca opens the door.
~ “Ross, no. Like, no.”
~ Well, it’s settled. Let’s start the Rose Ceremony!
~ Ross was probably waiting all week for the producers to bring him to the hotel. They definitely waited for the day after Becca’s one-on-one to do this. Clever.
~ Becca wants none of this.
~ “I feel like you live your life in a movie and, like, you think it’s going to work out like The Notebook.”
~ SAYS THE GIRL ON THE BACHELOR.
~ Oh man.
~ Becca just found out that Ross talked to Arie.
~ She asked him why he talked to Arie hahahahaha.
~ Is she so clueless as to how this show works? Of course the producers are going to make sure he talks to Arie. Come on!
~ Becca doesn’t understand why he’s there.
~ “I have no business being here.” – Ross
~ That’s the end of it.
~ As soon as it looked like Becca had a clear path to a proposal, they needed to plant a seed of doubt. So they flew that seed of doubt to Peru.
~ A random person just doesn’t track down the crew for The Bachelor while they’re in Peru, especially not when everyone just so happens to be in their hotel room instead of out on a boat.
~ Becca and Arie meet up to talk about nothing.
~ Arie is afraid that there is still some love between Becca and Ross even though Becca made it clear that she wants nothing to do with Ross.
~ Arie, you’re being dramatic.
~ Arie is now sitting down with Guidance Counsellor, Mr. Harrison.
~ “How’s your week been?” – Chris
~ This is ridiculous.
~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. They appear to be in a courtyard and there is a horse nearby.
~ Instead of a teary car ride, will the person he sends home have to ride off on the horse? I’m praying that’s the case.
~ OH MY GOD WHY
~ He grabbed the first rose, paused, and then pulled Kendall aside. Again.
~ Just give them their phones so they can text and avoid these disruptions.
~ He’s telling her, “I don’t think we can get there.”
~ Ahhh the forever ominous “there” that they have to get to.
~ Fortunately, there’s a horse! All aboard! Or whatever people say when they mount a horse…
~ Nope. She’s going home! Like Russia in 1972.
~ He sends her home in the back of a car. She might be the first person to ever wear a seatbelt on this show. Finally.
~ Plot twist: the horse is driving!
~ Nay, I’m just horsing around.
~ I’m losing my mind.
~ Lauren gets a rose.
~ Becca gets a rose.
~ He tells them they are meeting his family next week.
~ Friendly reminder that Krystal met his parents in the second episode.
Next week is the three hour finale. Thanks for getting through this with me.