I try not to go back and read my old blog posts. When I do, I find myself struggling to find the posts that make me feel smart.
I see a bunch of posts where I’m cracking jokes and saying clever things that I don’t even know how I came up with in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing that. I love sitting down and just letting humour flow through me like water in a toilet.
But when someone asks me what my blog is about, or what I write about, I still have no clue how to answer them. When they ask me what I’ve written about lately, I draw a blank.
That’s bothered me for a while.
How am I supposed to explain that I once wrote a blog post about Wrapping Presents and said, “Another conundrum is the whole, “Oopsy No Cutsy-Nufsy”, which is pig latin for, “Oh no, I didn’t cut enough.”?
In what world does that make sense? Well, my world, I guess.
That “Recent Posts” widget on my blog is a lifesaver, otherwise I’d have no idea what my most recent posts were about. Unless I think hard, I’m not going to remember.
Insert my Grade 12 yearbook quote: “If you can’t remember something, it’s not important.”
Where is the blog post where I discuss the state of the world today? There isn’t one. Why? Because I could scroll through Twitter all day, watch the news every night, and read Wikipedia pages until 4AM, and I still won’t feel like I know enough to write a “smart” blog post about it. So I don’t.
Even when I write about sports, I refuse to discuss statistics, trends, or anything I have to research. I go by “feel” because that’s how I think sports should be portrayed.
At the same time, I feel a bit empty because I’m not providing any research; I’m just sitting down and giving my thoughts. Is that enough? I always thought it was, but I don’t know.
My wheelhouse is sports. That is where I feel smart. Yet I’ve turned away from writing about sports regularly because I find it extremely frustrating to write about. I have too much to say, not enough motivation to say it, and not enough patience to explain things I know people won’t understand. So I don’t.
I turn to humour because it’s easy. I can turn every single sentence into a joke of an egg yoke, if I really wanted to. See?
Does that make me feel smart? I don’t know. It makes me feel creative. It makes me feel clever. It makes me feel happy that other people get enjoyment out of it.
But at the end of the day, what did I really do? Was it really that important?
Sometimes I wish I could sit down and write a professional article about something, anything. One where I use big words, don’t use I, and aren’t inclined to start sentences with “but”, “and”, or “because”.
I wish I could do that, even if it’s just once, so I can turn around and tell someone, “Hey, I wrote this really professional article. You should read it.” That would make me feel smart.
At the same time, I’ve turned my back on writing like that because I think it’s boring. Not to sound cocky, but I think I present words in a more entertaining manner than if I sounded like a robot who used big words and adhered to every single writing rule.
This is my dilemma at the moment.
Perhaps there are different versions of “smart” and I have to accept that mine is a combination of creativity, wit, and feel.
I’m incredibly proud of this blog, but sometimes I wonder if it could be better. I wonder if I’ve spent too much time making words sound funny. I just want to be able to look back on the things I’ve written and be able to pinpoint the posts that were more meaningful than the rest.
You’d think after four years, a few features, and thousands of followers, that I’d be completely satisfied with this blog. I’m not. I think that’s a good thing, but it eats at me sometimes.
There are things I’ve wanted to write about lately, but I haven’t because I think, “What’s the point?”
There are also topics I want to write about that just feel overwhelming. I told a friend a few weeks ago that I might do an NHL or NBA preview for every team in the league. In my head, I can write that out in three minutes.
But to sit down and go through every team, and sprinkle some research in there too, it’s hard finding the motivation. Who will care? What’s the point? I can count on one hand the number of people who will genuinely like those posts.
I also want to write more about wrestling, but there is too much to say. And again, who will care? I have no one to talk to about wrestling in real life, so this blog acts as that other person. One who only listens.
That’s the lonely part about blogging that people don’t mention. The part where the things that interest you, don’t interest anyone else.
I’ve never forgotten that this started as a sports blog and pretty much failed. I like to spin that story and say, “One night I had this urge to write about something else, so I did”.
That is 100% true.
But what is also true is, no one cared about my posts about sports. Four years down the line, a handful of people care about them. Great, right? Lonely? Absolutely.
Those posts were written “professionally” and with research and by following the rules. Very vanilla, no toppings.
So in the back of my mind, I feel like I’ve gone so far into the “writing freely” and “crack a joke every now and then” realm, that I can’t go back, even though it feels like I have unfinished business.
Maybe I just want to prove to myself that I can write something that looks smart and have people care about it, too.
That being said, maybe I’ve been doing it all along.
My way. My version of smart.
Hopefully, it’s enough.