Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Colton) – Ep. 7

According to The Good Place, if you watch The Bachelor, you’re going to hell. They have no motive to lie, so it must be true. Not sure what that means for those of you who watch the show via these notes, so read at your own risk.

~ We start off with a vlog from Colton, who is in full-blown paranoia about some people being there for the wrong reasons.

~ To clarify, the “right” reason to be there is to throw yourself into a relationship with a stranger, with the hope of getting engaged in eight weeks.

~ They’re all headed back to Denver, from Vietnam, as if it’s the final leg of The Amazing Race.

~ Colton walks into a bar and meets up with Ben – the Season 20 Bachelor.

~ Ben is there to give advice because Colton needs to find out which girls are there for the wrong reasons, so asking an outsider, who has not met them, is the best route at this time…somehow.

~ The quick chat is over and Colton is magically fixed.

~ Time to greet the girls in a park, with his dog, Sniper.

~ HIS DOG IS A HITMAN.

~ Colton and Tayshia are going on a date, while everyone else is ditched in a field.

~ They’re finally in a place that Colton is from, and he doesn’t even say, “Welcome to Denver!” This is unbelievable.

~ They go wine tasting and then stop off at an ice cream shop. Sniper is eating their ice cream.

~ Oh, now they’re buying salmon. I can’t keep up.

~ “Hometowns” has been uttered at least five times already. I don’t drink, but that’s a drinking game waiting to happen.

~ I don’t know where they are now, but they’re sitting down talking about who’s not there for the right reasons.

~ “I’ve heard some disheartening conversations that have taken place in the house.” – Tayshia

~ “I’m not telling you who because I don’t want to tattletale.” – Tayshia

~ And then she proceeds to say Cassie and Caelynn aren’t genuine, as they’re already talking about being the next bachelorette, and don’t know if they’re ready for an engagement. Colton is disappointed.

~ The audio on this date is horrible. They’re in a public place with so much background noise.

~ QUIET ON THE SET.

~ Time for dinner and they’re cooking. The cooking portion lasted for 8 televised seconds.

~ He asks if her family is ready for this. She says her dad might be a bit apprehensive because he’s a normal person.

~ Back at the house, Caelynn is getting a one-on-one date.

~ These girls keep these date cards as mementos, probably not knowing an intern wrote them and Colton never even breathed on them.

~ Tayshia gets a rose on the date and their food has disappeared. Poof.

~ “Tonight, I started to fall in love with Tayshia.” – Colton

~ Time for Caelynn’s date. They’re going snowboarding in the Rockies.

~ About 74 televised seconds are spent on Colton teaching Caelynn how to snowboard, before transitioning to a conversation about what Tayshia told Colton.

~ She denies it and claims she is ready for marriage and isn’t thinking about the bachelorette.

~ Bring in Maury as a celebrity chaperone on one of these dates.

~ “Today was extremely difficult.” – Caelynn

~ No one is ever happy on this show. What a distressing process.

~ “Hometowns”. Drink.

~ Time for dinner and it looks like they’re in Hagrid’s Hut.

~ Their dinner is full of long pauses and sudden bursts about how hard this is.

~ They always do this. They never have a real conversation about the issue, they just have short bursts about how hard the situation is.

~ Just get them phones and let them text what they think.

~ Caelynn says she hopes it’s her at the end so they can get married and have kids.

~ Everything is better now. Caelynn is getting a rose.

~ Now they’re at the Red Rock Amphitheatre, by themselves, to dance to Fred Young, whoever that is. Colton calls him his friend. I don’t believe him.

~ Never mind, it’s Brett Young. Colton can’t enunciate. This changes nothing. I still don’t know who Brett Young is. Where are ya, Cass?

~ Back at the house, Hannah B. is informed she’s getting a one-on-one.

~ Caelynn is now confronting Tayshia. I don’t have time for this back and forth that will, surely, resolve nothing.

~ Hannah B. is getting to meet his family, something normally reserved for a front-runner. Not sure the edit she’s been given has portrayed that of a front-runner, but here we are.

~ Colton talks to his dad, while Hannah talks to his mom.

~ “Are you in love with Colton?” “Yes.”

~ Colton is not comfortable that she’s falling in love with him and he’s not there yet.

~ Well, it can be hard falling in love with someone when you’re dating six other people, COLTON.

~ Meanwhile, Hannah is exuding so much confidence during her chats with the camera. They’re clearly building her up to be disappointed.

~ It’s time for dinner. I don’t even see food on the table. Why bother, right?

~ Colton doesn’t think he can get to where she is right now.

~ “I don’t know that I’m there.” – Colton

~ The ominous “there” returns, which reminds me of Demi…

~ There she goes, there she goes again, racing through my brain, and I just can’t contain, this feeling that remains.

~ Alright, I’m back.

~ He’s breaking up with Hannah B. Into the limo and out of his sight, she goes.

~ Her luggage is removed from the hotel by a man in black, as the girls look shocked.

~ Time for the group date with Kirpa, Cassie, Heather, and Hannah G. Two roses are available. Whoever doesn’t get a rose is going home.

~ They all hop on a train, headed for Hogwarts.

~ “I do want, more than anything, an engagement at the end of this.” – Colton

~ Really? You’re going to rush into an engagement for the sake of TV? There must be a huge bonus in his contract if he proposes.

~ Colton is sitting down with Heather, who tells him it’s not fair to take him to her hometown if she’s not 100% sure that she’s ready for that.

~ He doesn’t put up a fight, walks her out, and puts her back on the train.

~ This is very much unravelling like the plot of, And Then There Were None. Sorta.

~ Meanwhile, Kirpa thinks Cassie is still trying to find herself.

~ Cassie sits down with Colton and says, “This week’s been hard.”

~ Again, no one is ever happy on this show.

~ She reassures him that what Tayshia told him about her not being there for the right reasons, is not true.

~ Is now a good time to mention that Cassie filmed another relationship-y show right before this one and its airing at the same time?

~ Kirpa is now telling Colton that she has concerns about Cassie and Caelynn.

~ This isn’t a dating show. This is a drama, disguised as a dating show.

~ These people spend all their time talking about each other, rather than trying to learn about the lead person and see if they’re a match.

~ “This is so dumb to me.” – Cassie, to Kirpa

~ Kirpa is level-headed and has good intentions, but is getting caught up in drama on a show she’s too good for. I’m a Kirpaholic. Nope, that sounds weird.

~ Oh yeah, Hannah G. is on this date. Are they excluding her commentary from this drama in order to protect her and make her the next bachelorette?

~ It’s time for dinner and they’re all seated at a round table. Colton says he’s reached clarity on one thing and pulls Hannah G. away.

~ Colton returns 28 televised seconds later, to grab a rose to give to Hannah.

~ Colton has 5 televised minutes to decide what to do about the final rose.

~ Meanwhile, Caelynn is about to crash the date to put in a good word for Cassie.

~ Caelynn walks by Kirpa and Cassie, twice, and doesn’t acknowledge them. This is so scripted it hurts.

~ Kirpa and Cassie are sitting there like they’re at a family party and wanted to leave an hour ago but their mom keeps talking to someone.

~ In comes Colton to make his final decision, based on who knows what, because he hasn’t learned more about them since the afternoon.

~ Cassie gets the final rose.

~ Kirpa is going home.

~ I’m not interested in previews, I have a massive headache and want this to be over.

Next week features the final four introducing Colton to their families. Someone’s father is always made to look threatening, while someone’s sister always looks like they could be the next bachelorette.

See you then.

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Colton) – Ep. 6

Hello. Welcome to the most outrageous episode in Bachelor history. I’m Paul and this is my friend, Cass. Her thoughts will be in bold, while mine will be in dismay. Please enjoy, and remember to weep not for the memories.

~ Unfortunately, we pick up where we left off last week – Colton walking up and down the beach because he’s tired of petty drama.

~ Forget a wife, Colton just needs a friend.

~ Absent father figure, Chris Harrison, reluctantly leaves his freezer to see what’s up with Colton on the beach.

~ Mr. Harrison isn’t even wearing a tie. He’s probably got slippers on, but the camera won’t pan down.

He’s a celebrity, get him out of here.

~ Finally, Rose Ceremony time.

~ Caelynn gets a rose.

~ Tayshia gets a rose.

~ Kirpa gets a rose. She still has a bandage on her chin, which is there because she slipped on a rock while taking a selfie.

~ Demi gets a rose. Yes! Never send Demi home.

~ Hannah G. gets a rose.

~ Katie gets a rose.

~ Sydney gets a rose.

~ Onyeka and Nicole are going home because when you’re in a feud on this show, you’re destined for the Women Tell All episode.

~ I have no words for how this episode started.

~ Later, Nicole & Onyeka.

~ Back from commercial and Colton is filming another vlog after his run on the beach. Nobody wants these vlogs.

~ Home videos from Colton, I low key love it.

~ Of course. The one person who likes them…

~ Oh, they’re somehow in Vietnam. The magic of television, I presume.

~ Bring on Vietnam.

~ “Oh my Gawwwd, it’s a house with a couch and a pool, ohhh myyy gawwwd ahhhh.”

~ “I could see myself falling in love with Colton because every time I’ve been on a group date, our relationship has progressed.” – Katie

~ Nooo, Katie! You were doing so well until you said that. That’s probably foreshadowing her dismissal tonight.

~ Hannah G. is getting a one-on-one date for the second time. The girls who are still waiting for their first one-on-one aren’t getting the hint.

~ Hannah G. gets the one-on-one. I actually think they are the cutest.

~ Is it weird that Hannah G. and Colton look like they could be siblings?

~ Hannah, somehow, still has makeup on after her facial…TELL ME HOW THAT’S POSSIBLE.

~ They’re at a spa, which is really just time for them to relax and talk and, oh what’s that? They’re not? What are they doing then?

~ They’re making out in the spa, the mud bath, the shower, WHAT’S NEXT…MAKE IT STOP.

~ Thought we caught them on the counter, wasn’t them.

~ Back at home base, beauty pageant participant, Caelynn, says Hannah G. has relied on her beauty for most of her life. The irony writes itself.

~ It’s time for Hannah and Colton to watch their food get cold.

~ Dinner conversation revolves around how their parents are divorced. Colton says they bonded over this and “opening up, in general”.

Colton just told the camera he’s falling in love with Hannah. Well that’s just dandy.

~ Colton dropped the L word.

~ The next date card arrives and it is for: Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi.

~ Does this mean Kirpa and her, now healed, chin is getting a one-on-one? It does!

~ Kirpa doesn’t have a band aid on her chin anymore.

~ Meanwhile, Sydney is crying.

~ “Demi’s not in a good mood today.” – Demi

~ Paul is thankful Demi speaks in third person.

~ Uh Demi needs to stop being so pushy.

~ Whoops sorry Paul, didn’t mean to be mean about your Demi.

~ Thank you. She’s just a flower of entertainment. Let her sprout. What am I even saying?

~ The group date has them learning the ancient art of vovinam, which is a Vietnamese martial art.

~ Whoa whoa whoa, Heather’s job changed from “never been kissed” to “been kissed”.

~ HANNAH BEAST IS BACK.

~ Demi doesn’t want to be on this date, but she’s going to tough it out because that is who she is.

~ So I feel like these girls need to cover up a little.

~ Oh look, two pigeons are doing their best Hannah G. and Colton impression.

~ Chris Harrison is there with the host of Bachelor Vietnam (who has the same stylist as Chris) to provide commentary (that we won’t hear) for the fights between the girls.

~ FINALLY WE GET SOME FIGHTING.

~ This better be good.

~ Wait, are we not going to ask the host of Bachelor Vietnam about the time two contestants chose each other and ditched the bachelor?

~ The first fight is underway between Heather and Sydney. It’s more like a tussle with a lot of squealing.

~ Hannah Beast vs. Cassie is up next. Were they throwing punches? I couldn’t tell.

~ Demi vs. Katie is up next. Oh no, two of my favourites right here. Can’t they just talk it out?

~ Katie punches Demi in the face and she’s not happy about it. Demi is better with words.

~ Time for the night portion.

~ “These group dates kinda suck.” – Sydney

~ KINDA?

~ OMG are we finally seeing repeat outfits?

~ Colton sits down with Tayshia and asks how she’s doing.

~ “I’ve been feeling kind of…I don’t know. This week has been kind of hard for me.”

~ No one on this show is ever feeling good. They’re all having a hard time, all the time. Must be the lack of connection to the real world, or the fact they’re sharing a boyfriend.

~ Katie sits down with Colton and he asks her how she’s feeling.

~ “Scared”.

~ Her biggest fear in this is being Ms. Understood, as opposed to being the future Mrs. Underwood.

~ Oh, she meant “misunderstood”. Never mind.

~ Hannah Beast is spending her time with him being a ninja with a stick. She’s Morgan from The Walking Dead, basically.

~ Sydney feels like he doesn’t notice her and just pays attention to the girls who do outgoing things.

~ Now she’s asking him why she’s never been on a one-on-one.

~ “I’m still working through this. I’m still navigating us.” – Colton

~ That’s an excuse.

~ Colton saying, “I can try” is like saying “nah”.

~ Some people are way too smart to be on this show. 

~ Demi just asked Colton if he wants to call her mom. It’ll be the first time Demi talks to her since she’s been out of prison. This is nice?

~ Are they doing this now because Colton told the producers there won’t be a hometown date for her?

~ SAY IT AIN’T SO.

~ I can’t take Demi laughing. Like what was that noise?

~ “You’re in Vietnam? Wow.” – Demi’s unimpressed mom

~ Sydney doesn’t think Demi and Hannah Beast are ready for marriage.

~ It’s The Bachelor, barely any of them are ready for marriage. You should know this!

~ Sydney is sitting with Colton again.

~ Our NBA dancer wants something “more & magical”. Join the club, girl.

~ I actually love Sydney’s dress.

~ And Sydney is going home, without much of a fight from Colton.

~ Colton gives the group date rose to Tayshia and Hannah Beast is like, “Whaaa?”

~ Time for Kirpa’s one-on-one date. This should be interesting, since we haven’t seen much of her.

~ That bandage caught his attention last week, I’m telling you.

~ They start their date with Colton explaining why he sent Kirpa’s friend, Sydney, home. How romantic. Surprised they aren’t feeding each other strawberries at the same time.

~ Kirpa & Colton are kinda awkward.

~ I think they just broke the record for most conversation on a one-on-one date.

~ Is this the most time she’s had on screen?

~ Oh, now they’re on a boat. The first boat ride in bachelor history!

~ They dive in the water and catch some urchins. Yay, lunch! The one time they eat on this show…

~ It’s time for dinner and Kirpa has been previously engaged?

~ Kirpa was previously engaged, WHAT?

~ Kirpa’s previous relationship lasted eight years before she broke it off and doesn’t want to be engaged again unless it’s the right person.

However, she is open to an engagement at the end of this two month television show.

~ Love doesn’t make sense.

~ Colton gives her a rose. Well, at least they talked a lot on this date.

~ Is it just me, or have all the girls been sparkly tonight?

~ I mean, I’m not surprised. They probably just shared a tube of glitter.

~ Back at the house, Demi is getting ready to go see Colton. That’s nice.

~ There are thunder noises and everything outside is wet, but not a drop of rain is on Demi.

Either the storm has stopped and the sound effects were added in post-production, or the rain fears respects Demi too much to inconvenience her. Probably the latter.

~ DEMI JUST SHOWED UP AT COLTON’S ROOM.

~ Demi is with Colton and oh no…

~ SHE JUST TOLD HIM SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE.

~ Noooooooo Demi! Too soon! No! This is going to backfire. Noooo! Get out of there. Abort mission!

~ “I appreciate you saying that to me, I really do.” – Colton

Shut your face, Colton. Don’t do it. I SAID DON’T.

~ Run, Demi.

~ HE JUST TOLD HER HE DOESN’T THINK THEY CAN GET THERE.

~ NOOOO NOT THE OMINOUS “THERE” THAT CONTESTANTS CAN’T GET TO!

~ DON’T SEND HER HOME. THIS SHOW NEEDS ENTERTAINMENT.

THIS IS HORSERADISH.

~ I’M FREAKING OUT.

~ Colton doesn’t know if he can see himself with her at the end.

~ On a human level, better for her to know now. On a selfish level, no other contestant brings this much material to these viewing notes.

~ Demi is going home.

~ So much for my “Never send Demi home” campaign.

~ She even gave him a trust ring last week! That was supposed to buy her two more weeks, at least!

~ #NotMyBachelor

~ WE’RE JUST GOING TO REMOVE DEMI FROM THE SHOW? OH, BUT THE AWFUL VLOGS STAY, RIGHT?

Demi was the show! You can’t send the show home. You know what happens when you send the show home? The show ends! Next week’s episode has been cancelled. Enjoy reruns of Shark Tank.

~ This season is dead to me.

~ So, how many girls left tonight?

~ Colton had a good connection with Demi and couldn’t “get there” with her. He has a so-so connection with half of the other girls and they’re still here?

~ Chris Harrison says there will be no cocktail party tonight. Good, he gets it. Nothing else matters.

~ Chris just walks on in to the bomb and then dips.

~ Time for the Rose Ceremony. This Rose Ceremony will be played under protest.

~ Hannah Beast gets a rose. Whatever.

~ Caelynn gets a rose. Yeah yeah, she’s pretty. We know.

~ Let me guess, Cassie gets the next rose?

~ Cassie gets the next rose. Just make me a producer.

~ The final rose better go to Katie. I can’t handle both of them leaving tonight.

~ HEATHER!?

~ Oh, just spit in my pasta and call it parmesan cheese at this point.

~ Heather got the final rose, as I try to regain some level of professionalism.

~ Katie is gone.

~ Hey, I called it earlier when I said her remark was foreshadowing her dismissal. Same with the Demi phone call to her mom.

~ The scenes they show us in the first 10 minutes of every episode aren’t random. If you pay attention, you can figure out who’s going home.

~ Katie deserved more time. This is unjust. She’s a medical sales representative! Heather is a “been kissed”!

~ Colton is alarmed by Sydney and Katie telling him there are some girls there, who are not ready for marriage.

~ Katie just gave Colton the warning of all warnings.

~ “Am I missing something?” – Colton

~ YOU SHOULD BE MISSING DEMI AND KATIE.

~ I need to cool off.

~ Colton is telling the other girls that he’s been informed that some of them aren’t ready for this.

~ Heck, I wasn’t ready for this.

~ He’s planting a seed, hoping someone takes the bait and spills the beans next week.

~ All these girls are trying not to freak out right now.

~ Tayshia is whispering to Kirpa that it’ll be them in the final two. I’m not convinced.

~ And that’s a wrap on Vietnam.

~ They just spoiled who’s gonna be in the final four.

~ It looks like Colton hops the fence next week. I hope he rips his pants, but in an obscure spot so he doesn’t notice it until that night when he gets back to his hotel room.

I’m about ready to hop a fence. This was awful.

Join us again, next week, for alternative programming because this show is cancelled.

I’m kidding, we’ll be back with Viewing Notes for Episode 7, but I’m not going to like it.

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Book Tag: Two Truths, One Lie

Now, don’t be offended, but I’m about to lie to all of you. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t. Maybe I would, though. But that’s beside the point. Everyone still with me? Right on.

Thanks to Becky for nominating me for this Book Tag! Without any further adieu, here are the rules. Oh, and I hope you’ve been paying attention.

How To Participate

  • Create a post with your two bookish truths and one bookish lie—but be sure to keep it a secret so your readers can guess!
  • Reveal the lie in a spoiler at the bottom of your post.
  • Tag 8 friends to play along.
  • Link back to the original post.

Two Truths & One Lie

1. I once handed in a book report, without finishing the book. Thankfully, I had seen the movie.

2. I won a haul of eight books and two posters from the Scholastic Book Fair in Grade 8. They put it all in a large see-through plastic bag. I felt like Santa.

3. I used to be in a summer book club at the local library. For every book you read, you wrote your name on a piece of paper and posted it on the wall.

Nominations
I’m nominating: J, Jaimie, Linda, Michelle, and Manessah! If I didn’t nominate you but you’d like to participate, please do and just say I slighted you, or something slanderous along those lines.

Reveal
I think this is the part where I’m supposed to reveal my lie. Becky did a fancy little reveal that I’m still amazed by. I, on the other hand, have opted for something different.

If you take the first letter from each sentence at the top of my post, before I list the rules, it spells out which answer is my lie.

BEAT THAT, BECKY. Actually, your reveal is still cooler.

Okay, the end.

Did you guess correctly?

This part is unrelated to the tag, but I just wanted to mention a book I read when I was a kid called, The Borrowers. Pretty sure there was a movie for it, too. It was about a family of tiny people living in the walls and floor of a house, who used cans as an elevator to go “borrow” things.

Anyone know what I’m talking about?

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New Glasses

I got my first pair of glasses in 2008 – the summer before starting Grade 12. Did I wear them at school that year? No. I was too afraid of people pointing and staring and asking, “Since when do you wear glasses?”

I convinced myself I could still read the board. I could, so long as I sat in the front row, or squinted if I was further back. Some classes were tougher than others.

Truthfully, I probably needed glasses in Grade 8, but I didn’t want the attention I thought glasses brought. I didn’t want to be the only one taking out a pair of glasses, just to see the board.

Silly, right?

I never wore my glasses in a school setting, until I got to university.

Looking back, I don’t know what I was so afraid of. It’s easy for me to say that now, of course. But, however I felt at the time, was how I felt at the time.

Last November, I went to the eye doctor and was told my vision had gotten slightly worse. I didn’t need new glasses, unless I wanted them.

I was still on my very first prescription with my first pair of glasses, purchased ten years ago. The glasses were still in style, not that I care about that, but they didn’t look out of place on my face.

That being said, I decided I’d just replace the lenses, immediately after the eye appointment since LensCrafters was right next door.

Maybe I was hungry for lunch, or blinded by eye drops, but once the appointment was over, I had no interest in getting new lenses. I convinced myself I could still see with my current pair of glasses.

Over the next three months, I slowly started realizing that numbers on the TV weren’t as sharp as they once were, and street names weren’t as clear from afar.

Again, I was giving myself excuses. Oh, maybe I’m just tired. Google says our vision can get blurry if we’re tired. I’m normally tired, so it makes sense.

Finally, a few days ago, I had enough. Sometimes it’s just time for something different.

I’ve told myself that this year is about, “fresh”, and “new”, and “reset”, and “power walking away from stubbornness”. Feel free to steal that last one.

So on Thursday, I went with my mom to get a new pair of glasses and sunglasses for the first time since 2008.

I am the easiest person to shop with because I’m decisive and know what I want as soon as I see it.

Before we left the house, I had picked out my new pair of glasses just by looking at their website. It took me less than two minutes. I wrote down the model number and off we went.

We get there and the glasses are nowhere to be found. Oh no. I don’t go shopping with back-up plans. If I have to resort to my back-up, it means I’m settling for something that wasn’t good enough to be Plan A.

After a few minutes of looking at ugly eyeglasses – seriously, the selection out there these days is brutal – the worker says he found them in a drawer!

Hallelujah! Good thing I wrote that model number down.

The frame came in black, or gunmetal silver. I had decided on the gunmetal silver at home, but black was winning me over. They came with rectangular lenses.

I went with the gunmetal silver. They were my first love.

Later on when we got home, my mom told me she had a dream the night before about “gunmetal silver” and she thought it was weird because she’d never heard that term before.

AND THEN LESS THAN 24 HOURS LATER, I’M BUYING EYEGLASSES WITH A GUNMETAL SILVER FRAME.

My mom and I have always been able to read each other’s mind, so it wasn’t as shocking as the All Caps made it seem.

I’m leaving out a lot of the plot from my visit to LensCrafters. I was actually there for an hour and a half because there was some problem with the sunglasses and the prescription and computer software.

I don’t want to get into it. Everything worked out fine. I had multiple people assisting me because I’m a VIP, yeah you know me I was the only customer.

There was a point when they kept handing me different pairs of glasses to try. I probably broke a world record for, “Most pairs of foggy glasses from a store display, put on in one minute”.

And as soon as every pair went on my face, they had instant analysis. It was great, really.

I’m still trying to figure out if, “They don’t fit your head” is a fat joke, or not. Are they saying I have a big head, or are the glasses just small?

Either way, I’m still chuckling about it.

If you were expecting a photo of me wearing my new glasses – who do you think I am? That’s not happening. I don’t even have them yet.

For some reason, I’m having a hard time figuring out how to end this post – as if I can’t see the finish line. I’m not wearing my glasses; it must be too far away.

GET IT? BECAUSE I’M NEARSIGHTED.

Do you wear glasses? Where are my nearsighted people at? How long have you had glasses? Share your eyesight stories.

Written While Listening To: Sleeping Sickness – City & Colour

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50 Thoughts XXV

1. I’ve never seen an episode of Spongebob, so when that whole Super Bowl halftime show controversy sailed over my head, I didn’t even know it flew over.

2. I also don’t know what a Travis Scott or a Big Boi is. One has two first names and the other has none?

3. If the ice cream flavour has the word “Gobs” in the title, it’s probably not for me.

4. Coach’s Corner with Don Cherry is Canada’s version of the State of the Union Address.

5. The sight of a parent with their kid’s backpack on their back, will always look weird to me.

6. Going back to regular boxer shorts after wearing long sleeve underwear for two months, takes some getting used to.

7. Starting in the late 90s/early 2000s, my dad and I would point out “Ed Sushi, Section 123!” at Blue Jays games. I realized this week that Ed Sushi is not a thing. It’s Edo Sushi. We’re both devastated. Send flowers.

8. Putting your signal on after you’re already halfway into the next lane is like knocking on a door after opening it just a crack.

9. Showers should come with two shower heads. One for water, one for soap.

10. I still think people who put ketchup on macaroni and cheese are playing a really long con on the rest of us. They don’t actually do it, right?

11. Auston Matthews’ parents were standing ten feet away from me the other night, for five minutes. I didn’t know what to do, so I texted three people, who all freaked out and told me to go hug them.

11.5 Auston Matthews is a star player on the Toronto Maple Leafs.

12. I’ve only met three famous people in my life and they’re all television personalities from Toronto. I wasn’t born with the urge to meet celebrities.

13. In real life, no one asks questions on behalf of their friend.

14. I haven’t watched the Marie Kondo Netflix show yet because I found out her whole schtick is “throw it out if it doesn’t spark joy”. I’ve been using that same mindset for the last five years and no one gave me a Netflix show.

14.5 Just let me be bitter and petty about it, okay.

15. Ever wake up from a dream before it ends and try to immediately go back to sleep to see how it ends? Never works.

16. You know two people are meant for each other when neither of them bother to pick up the weekly newspaper that’s been sitting at the end of their driveway for three days.

16.5 To my future wife who will inevitably read all of my blog posts someday, if the newspaper sits outside for more than six hours, we’ve failed.

17. Every street has a guy with a snowblower, who sprays their snow back into the road.

18. Poppy Red was always the better red crayon.

19. The chocolate chip muffin at Tim Hortons has stolen my heart. I don’t even bother with donuts anymore.

20. It’s always an empty feeling when there’s an available seat next to me on the subway, but none of the people who have been standing for fifteen minutes sit down.

21. Thirty years from now, the oldies station will just be a lot of Coldplay, with “Drops of Jupiter” and “Mr. Brightside” playing every 15 minutes because everything else is too much of an embarrassment.

22. 2009 was 10 years ago. Makes me sad whenever I think about it, if I’m honest.

23. I’d prefer if Kenny Omega signed with WWE instead of with his pals in All Elite Wrestling. I don’t think AEW has the type of talent he can have big matches with. Would feel like a step sideways.

24. Patiently waiting for any word on the Formula 1 behind-the-scenes documentary series that’s supposed to be coming to Netflix “early this year”.

25. I’ll never get over someone pronouncing Arkansas as “Are Kansas” in high school during a read around in English class.

26. This season of Celebrity Big Brother has exceeded my expectations.

27. I don’t think Kyle Lowry will ever forgive the Raptors for trading DeMar DeRozan.

28. If there’s a difference between green, red, orange, and yellow bell peppers, I can’t taste it.

29. Oh, the Philadelphia 76ers just made a trade for Tobias Harris after Pascal Siakam walked all over Mike Muscala, who is heading to the Clippers. The 76ers still don’t scare me.

30. That “Baby Shark” song was introduced to my ears in 2010. Send me your retroactive pity.

31. In kindergarten, we had to bring in a book so I brought in a Winnie The Pooh pop-up book called, A Trick or Treat Surprise. Christopher Robin surprised them at a party when he revealed himself as the person in the ghost costume.

31.5 As if they had any other human friends it could’ve been…

32. When I’m not watching sports, I like sniffing around the hot food section of grocery stores.

33. I don’t have enough patience to dip chips in anything.

34. The words “pitchers and catchers report” just mean it’s the beginning of a drawn out Spring Training and never-ending updates about how guys are “in the best shape of their life”.

34.5 That’s great, but I’ve already pencilled you in for your annual stint on the DL.

35. Do butterflies like butter on their popcorn or does that not fly with them?

36. Do butterflies get butterflies in their stomachs when they’re nervous, or do they just flatulate, like skunks?

37. I like to think that each animal species has a union representative and once a year they all get together for meetings.

37.5 Good luck getting this thought out of your head.

38. What did the dog say to the tree? Bark.

39. The year is 2075. People are still saying “don’t @ me”.

40. What happened to Old Zealand?

41. Imagine if our brains typed out a transcript of every thought we have throughout the day and then posted it to social media without our consent?

42. The older you get, the more passwords you have to remember.

43. Kids love vending machines.

44. Friends is a good show, but I can’t relate to the people who will re-watch episodes over and over again. I’d rather spend the time watching something I haven’t seen.

45. If food could get married, lettuce and tomato would be like, “We grew up together!”, while a carrot muffin and butter would say, “We’re so opposite, but it works.”

46. Waving at people in cars and motioning for truck drivers to honk is something we all did while riding the school bus.

47. Survivor would be a fun game to play, but I couldn’t hack it as a contestant. The lack of food, constant sun exposure, and physical exertion while dehydrated, would give me too many headaches. Literally.

48. I took a sneak peek at the new Twitter. It’s fine, but the current layout is perfect as it is.

49. Shows I’d like to see added to Netflix include: Home Improvement, Saved By The Bell, Family Matters, Malcolm in the Middle, and the original American Gladiators.

50. Life is but a game of Bingo.

Written While Listening To: I Need My Girl – The National 

Posted in 50 Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 45 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Colton) – Ep. 5

This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl. This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl. This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl. This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl. This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl.

Join me in welcoming back Cass, whose thoughts will appear in bold, as always.

I don’t even know how I’ll stay up for this whole episode, but here we go.

~ They’re in Thailand this week. Who on the Ministry of Tourism signed off on this? You don’t need this show’s publicity. You’re THAILAND.

~ This hotel is really damn nice.

~ The date card arrives and it is for Heather. She’s so excited and just can’t hide it, she’s about to lose control and I think she likes it.

~ The Pointer Sisters.

~ Is it just me or is Heather really boney looking?

~ “Welcome to Thailand.” – Colton

~ Ugh, this again. Colton, you’re also visiting Thailand. You can’t welcome someone to a place where you’re also a visitor!

~ They hop on a boat. This whole date is built around Heather experiencing her first kiss.

~ Back at the hotel, Elyse is tearing up because she’s realizing she’s sharing a boyfriend.

~ Heather and Colton are exploring a market, looking at monkeys, and eating.

~ EWW STOP, please stop showing Colton eating and licking his fingers.

~ WHO CALLED FOR THIS EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF COLTON’S MOUTH?

~ I’m glad they went all the way to Thailand not to get to know each other, but to have a date built around, “will they kiss?”

~ So Heather went out with a guy for almost 8 months and he didn’t try to kiss her….I don’t believe it.

~ Back at the hotel, the next group date is for: Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, Hannah G., and Elyse.

~ This means Cassie is getting a one-on-one date.

~ Note to future contestants: If you don’t get a one-on-one date by the end of Episode 5, you ain’t the one.

~ Oh great, Heather and Colton’s dinner conversation is about how she hasn’t kissed anyone.

~ If I had to write a test on things I’ve learned about each contestant this season, I’d fail.

~ Heather gets the group date rose, but no kiss.

~ The producers, thankfully, shortened this date for us, that was painfully boring.

~ They’re now on a beach by the fire and…

~ FIREWORKS TO ADD EXCITEMENT.

They finally kiss. Well, that’s over with.

~ What was that giggle Heather, come on girl.

~ When he sends Heather home in three weeks because he doesn’t think she can “get there”, remember this comment.

~ Back at the hotel, Elyse’s ship is continuing to sink. She leaves, wearing a dress, as Heather returns.

~ WHERE IS ELYSE GOING?

~ Elyse arrives at Colton’s door. If it was that easy to find him, why doesn’t everyone else?

~ OMG, she’s at his room.

~ You know it’s a serious conversation when there’s no music in the background.

~ She’s gone crazy.

~ He’s telling her that he’s genuinely excited about their relationship and she’s like, “I can’t accept a proposal after two months of sharing your time with 29 other social media influencers.”

~ Does Elyse not know how this show works?

~ If Colton really liked her, he wouldn’t pressure her into a proposal by the end of this show.

~ She’s going home. Elyse is going home.

~ And goodbye Elyse.

~ Colton doesn’t understand how Elyse could give up on him.

~ YOU’RE DATING A DOZEN OTHER WOMEN WHILE SHE SITS AT HOME AND HEARS THEM TALK ABOUT YOU.

~ Oh great, we’re back from commercial with another vlog from Colton. Nobody wants these.

~ Oh, group date time.

~ They’re in the Khao Lak Jungle.

~ Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games, we got everything you want, we know the names.

~ Guns ‘N Roses.

Colton is there with his “friend” Joe, who was raised in the jungle.

~ I’m waiting for Demi to chime in with, “Alright Joe, if that’s your real name….” but she’s not. Just when I thought we were on the same humour wavelength…

~ That was a weak ass welcome to give Joe, that man deserves a better hello.

~ They are hiking through the jungle because Colton wants his wife to be able to go on adventures. He couldn’t just check their Instagram bios instead?

~ “Elephant poo. It’s starts a fire when it’s dry.” The more you know!

~ Hannah B. just called herself “Hannah Beast”. I can’t stop laughing.

~ Every group date turns into a school field trip.

~ Eels and scorpions, what the hell is this?

~ Snakes are Colton’s worst fear. He didn’t conquer it, but he attempted to hold it. Ugh. Just go to a bowling alley, this is boring,

~ Flashback to the time I held a gecko. Still waiting for it to hold me.

~ They’re being divided into three teams and need to bring back water and food. Guys, you’re not on Survivor. You’re a car ride away from civilization.

~ Are we about to watch the bachelor version of Survivor?

~ Colton and Tayshia are kissing, while Nicole and Katie watch from afar. Yay, dating!

Joey Jungle asks each team what they found.

~ Demi’s team comes back with burgers, fries, and beer. Yes, Demi! That’s the humour I’ve grown to expect!

~ Time for my weekly, “Never send Demi home” comment.

~ It’s just hitting me that Elyse went all the way to Thailand, just to leave the next day. What a smart business decision! Free trip.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is nowhere to be seen tonight.

~ We’re at the night portion of the jungle date and Hannah B. says she would do well if there were a zombie apocalypse.

~ Now Hannah B. says she’s falling in love with him.

~ HOLD THE PICKLES, HOLD THE LETTUCE, SAYING THAT ON EPISODE 5 REALLY UPSET US.

~ “Hometowns are up next.” – Nicole

~ Hometowns are not for, at least, another four episodes.

WATCH THE PRODUCT, NICOLE.

~ Onyeka sits down with Colton and tells him that Elyse told her that Nicole is on the show so she can find an opportunity to leave Miami.

~ Oh snap, crackle, pop. This is about to get crispy.

~ I feel like I’ve waited forever for this.

~ It just came out that Nicole wasn’t there for the right reasons. Guys, come on.

~ Colton confronts Nicole with this piece of gossip. She denies it and says she’s there because she hasn’t been able to find love.

~ If Rihanna can find love in a hopeless place, Nicole can find love on The Bachelor. It’s the same thing, really.

~ “I’m gonna take her to get air” – YOU’RE OUTSIDE

~ Meanwhile, the other girls are talking about Nicole’s situation and Tayshia says she never said any of the things she’s being accused of saying.

~ “Here for the right reasons.” – Nicole

~ Drink!

~ Orange really doesn’t look good on Demi.

~ Take that back. Thou shalt not slander Demi. She’s the only one making this show interesting.

~ Hannah B. gets the group date rose because the pageant drama is no longer a storyline, so he likes her now.

~ It’s raining outside and it’s kinda putting me to sleep.

~ Time for Cassie’s date. They’re getting on a boat to go exploring.

~ If this show could marry a boat, it wood.

~ GET IT? IT WOOD? A BOAT? WOOD? BOAT?

~ I’m going insane.

~ Cassie and Colton are on their own private island.

~ I might need to add this to my future boyfriend pre-recs. I mean, how awkward would it be being all like, “Take me to my own island on a date, or else.”

~ It’ll be just them and a camera crew, which is no different from any other date because this show shuts places down to film.

~ Oh, they’re just going to kiss the whole time. Could’ve just rented out a walk-in closet.

~ Now, they’re in the water kissing. Could’ve just rented out a bathtub.

~ I’ve learned -3 things about Cassie on this date. Yes, I typed negative three.

In an alternate universe, there’s an episode of The Bachelor where we learn so many things about each person, to the point where we can say to ourselves, “Yeah, I think they’d make a great match because of x, y, and z.”

~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and they’re kissing again. Could’ve just rented out the moon.

~ They talk, they don’t eat, they kiss again.

~ What’s this? Background commentary from Kirpa? Wow.

~ Why does Kirpa have a bandaid on her chin?

~ WHO HURT YOU?

~ Cassie and Colton are now laying in bed. Could’ve just rented out a Sleep Country.

~ Okay, safe to say she’s in the top three, probably top two.

~ He is “crazy about Cassie”. Is he allowed to say that?

~ I was gonna keep a tally of how many times he kisses anyone on the show, but I’ve already lost count.

~ It’s time for the cocktail party and you could cut the tension with safety scissors, as Onyeka and Nicole try and avoid each other.

~ Seriously, why does Kirpa have a bandage on her chin? Is this her way of trying to stand out? Because it’s working.

~ Demi gives him a trust ring. Yes, Demi! That bought you at least three more weeks.

~ Kirpa is flossing his teeth. FLOSSING HIS TEETH.

~ Time for Nicole to talk to Colton about anything other than their future together.

~ “I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want an Instagram husband.” – Nicole

~ Wait, what is an Instagram husband? Is that like having a work wife?

~ “Onyeka has been bullying me since the moment I met her.” – Nicole

~ Nicole talks likes she writes, in that her sentences are very structured, almost like she rehearsed these lines earlier.

~ Colton takes Onyeka aside to ask about the bullying allegation.

~ Colton, man, you’re wasting your time with these people. Send everyone but Cassie, Caelynn, and Hannah G. home.

~ Oh, and keep Demi. Always keep Demi.

~ Time for Onyeka and Nicole to fight each other.

~ “How dare you spread lies about me to OUR boyfriend! Hurrumph!” – #UnsaidQuotes

~ “Why would Colton waste his time with this petty drama.” – Tayshia

~ Well said, Tayshia! I said it better myself, but I appreciate you backing me up. You can stay, too.

~ Colton now abandons his alone time with Katie to diffuse the bickering. Katie can stay, too. She deserves more time.

~ Nicole will not stop talking. Colton is leaving.

~ Colton goes for a walk on the beach and the girls don’t know what he’s thinking.

~ HE’S THINKING THAT HE WANTS TO SEND EVERYONE HOME, EXCEPT: CASSIE, CAELYNN, HANNAH G., DEMI, TAYSHIA, AND KATIE BECAUSE SHE DESERVES MORE TIME.

~ I feel like Colton is “confused” or “flustered” or has some sort of mixed feelings at every cocktail party.

~ This is so awkward.

~ There is no Rose Ceremony this episode and no sign of Chris Harrison. I’d send out a search party, but we all know he is in the freezer, staying young.

I can’t believe I stayed up for this, see you all next week.

Well, at least this wasn’t worse than the Super Bowl.

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Hold My Hand

Yesterday was Groundhog Day, which means I need to get some stuff off my chest before I seamlessly transition into the main point of this post. Is that okay? You don’t really have any say in this, but it’s important to make the audience feel included.

Alright, here’s the thing. When they say that a groundhog saw its shadow, does that mean its eyes actually looked down at the shadow, as if to have an a-ha moment?

What if the shadow is there, but the groundhog never looks down at it? Does that still count as seeing the all-knowing shadow? Or is it just, “Aw shucks, so close to making eye contact. Just wasn’t in the cards this year.”

This has always bothered me. Why are we harassing groundhogs, anyway? (Don’t answer; I don’t care). When the aliens come, good luck explaining this tradition to them. That’s all I have to say.

As for me, I did not see my shadow yesterday, as I made a 15-minute walk from my house to the local Subway for lunch. You know what I did see? A lot of yellow snow.

My goodness, it’s an epidemic. Where’s the weather forecast on this? What do the urination splash patterns of pets in outdoor settings tell us about the likelihood of anything?

“Yellow snow is a sign that it will be raining cats and dogs for the next twelve months. So, grab what you need and start barricading the windows because once you’re in, urine. I’m Precipitation Paul, signing off.”

Well, there you have it.

Anyway, I get to Subway…except, I don’t. I open the door to the place next to it because I’m a fool. I took one look inside, realized I was lost and needed an adult, and closed the door.

I found out later it was a Shawarma place, so if they track me down for questioning, my official story is I was cold and wanted to get sh-warm.

So I get a sub for my Dad and I – (insert story about how they asked me, “Do you want toasting?” and I replied, “No toasting”) – and make my way back outside to walk home.

I get to an intersection and there are people getting off a bus, also walking to the corner, waiting to cross. It should be noted that the snow plow had pushed a mountain of snow right to the curb, thus giving every pedestrian a calf workout when they climb Mt. Snowlympius, just to cross the street.

On top of that, the sidewalks weren’t cleared because why would they be?

As I’m waiting for the lights to change, this elderly lady comes up beside me and starts talking to me as if we’ve known each other our whole lives.

I wasn’t too phased by it because strangers always talk to me. Seriously, in a crowd of people, they’ll seek me out. I’ve got the face they’re looking for.

She was saying it’s hard to walk around and that the city needs to do a better job cleaning the sidewalks. At this point, I realized she was crossing the same way as me and there was a mound of snow blocking our entry into the road.

Sure, there was a small path created by others, but it’s not like an elephant had come by to clear it entirely. There was still some climbing that had to be done.

So I reached out my hand and asked, “Do you want some help?”

She immediately took my hand and we just stood there holding hands, until the lights changed. There was even a moment when she started to inch forward, but the walk signal hadn’t changed yet, so I told her to hold back.

It was the cutest thing in the world, man. “Totes adorbs” as the youth say.

As we crossed, the road was clear, so she let go of my hand and started thanking me for my help, and told me the mound of snow at the next curb wasn’t so bad and I could go on ahead.

That was just her Canadian guilt setting in, though. She thought she was holding me up, when really she was making my day.

I didn’t go ahead. I walked with her and when we got to the next curb, I took her hand and helped her through the snow.

The whole thing was so heart-warming, we fogged up every car window at that intersection.

She then told me her son doesn’t want her out in this weather, but she’s been stuck at home for the last two weeks and wanted to go grocery shopping.

This lady was about 5’3, but was a force of nature. No one tells her to stay home, ya hear?

She was thanking me profusely, while I kept saying it was no problem and wished her a “good day” enough times to hold her over for the next week.

Having completed the Canadian ritual of dishing out the same compliment multiple times, we went our separate ways…except we were walking the same way.

Our little final two alliance continued for eight more seconds until we finally split up.

We knew each other for about 90 seconds – if even that long – and will probably never see each other again, but for those 90 seconds we were best friends.

As I write this now, my heart is still full of joy from that encounter. I can’t explain it better than that.

I couldn’t even tell you if there were other people crossing that intersection with us, because I was so focussed on our conversation, and getting her through the snow safely.

It was like a snippet of a dream that you forget the next day, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget this.

If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that parents, the elderly, and children, absolutely adore me. Those three groups are, somehow, my target audience. It’s the crowd in the middle I don’t know what to do with.

And that’s perfectly fine with me.

I encourage all of you to do a good deed tomorrow, whether it’s for someone you know or a stranger, if only to feel the same amount of joy that I felt in helping an elderly lady cross the street.

Thanks for reading!

Written while listening to: Just For Tonight – One Night Only

I’m trying something new where, at the end of my posts I’ll include the song I was listening to, as I wrote. It’s normally just one song on repeat because I’m a psychopath. Maybe this will encourage you to do the same at the bottom of your posts, and hopefully we’re all introduced to some new music. Just an idea. It may not stick. We’ll see.

Have you ever had a heart-warming interaction with a stranger? 

Posted in Humour, Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 42 Comments

Let’s Rumble

WWE held their annual Royal Rumble event last Sunday night, at Chase Field in Phoenix, Arizona. It was a fun night that seemed to satisfy the appetite of fans, especially those in attendance, thanks to a heart-stopping Royal Rumble Burger.

Would you eat it? I wouldn’t. Especially if I have to sit there for six hours.

It rarely happens, but I enjoy when wrestling occurs inside baseball stadiums. It’s a throwback to the early aughts when WrestleMania X-Seven was held at the Astrodome in Houston; WrestleMania X8 at SkyDome in Toronto, and WrestleMania XIX at Safeco Field in Seattle.

It’s just a cozier-looking environment than a football stadium. Also, I’m a fan of when the really long aisle has a bend in it. The superstars entered through the dugout on Sunday, which gave it a Tokyo Dome-Wrestle Kingdom feel.

The Royal Rumble is the start of a two-month road to WrestleMania and is headlined by two Royal Rumble matches – one for the men, and one for the women.

To the uninitiated, a Royal Rumble match consists of 30 participants. The match starts with 2 superstars in the ring and every 90 seconds, a new competitor joins the fray. You’re eliminated when you go over the top rope and both feet touch the ground.

The last superstar standing gets to challenge for the championship of their choosing at WrestleMania, thus securing themselves a main event spot at the biggest show of the year.

Let’s start with the women’s match because I find their storylines more interesting at this point.

Drawing #1 was Lacey Evans, who was making her in-ring debut on the main roster. Out second was Natalya – member of the Hart wrestling family dynasty. That made sense to me.

Lacey wasn’t as smooth as she could’ve been because making your debut in front of 48,000 people is probably terrifying, but having a veteran like Natalya in there helped.

This was only the second year the women have had their own royal rumble match. Last year was mainly devoted to bringing back women from the past to share in the historic moment.

I’m glad none of them came back this year, though. Yeah, it’s always nice to see them, but they weren’t needed. Instead, we got a glimpse of the future with multiple call-ups from NXT (the developmental brand).

I was impressed by Rhea Ripley, who is somehow only 22-years-old. Whenever they decide to bring her over from NXT UK, she’s going to cause quite a commotion.

Also impressive was Kacy Catanzaro, who you may or may not know as a competitor from American Ninja Warrior. She did a handstand on the top rope, and then switched the way she was facing, which was a move I’ve only ever seen done at the Olympics on the parallel/uneven bars.

And then she found herself on the floor, but her feet hadn’t touched the ground, so she ninja’d her way back in the ring.

I’m a fan. She probably has a lengthy run in NXT ahead of her before moving up to the main roster, but either way, the future is bright.

Another fun part of the rumble was when Zelina Vega was hiding under the ring, until Hornswoggle – a leprechaun who lives under the ring, but was released by WWE a few years ago – appeared and chased her away.

That clip just gave some of you nightmares, I can sense it.

Before I get to the end of the match, let me tell you about “The Man”, Becky Lynch.

Becky Lynch is the best thing in professional wrestling right now. She’s turning into the Stone Cold Steve Austin of this generation, which is perfectly fine with everybody.

The first match of the night saw Becky face Asuka for the SmackDown Women’s Championship. Becky lost, which meant she’d probably find her way into the rumble later on, but we didn’t know how.

Fast forward to the royal rumble match. Lana comes out at #28, but can’t put any weight on her left foot, which was injured on the pre-show when she got involved in her husband’s match.

So while Lana is crumpling in the arms of the medical staff, out comes Becky Lynch to take her spot in the rumble. And the place went nuts.

In the end, the match came down to Charlotte Flair and Becky Lynch, as any wrestling fan could’ve predicted. Becky tossed Charlotte out, winning the match and sending herself to WrestleMania to face Ronda Rousey.

The Becky and Ronda rivalry has been brewing since last November, when they were supposed to face each other at Survivor Series. However, Nia Jax broke Becky’s face (quite literally) ahead of the event, and Charlotte faced Ronda instead – a match everyone thought would take place at WrestleMania.

But Becky Lynch has catapulted herself to the top of the WWE and the match everyone wants to see now is her against Ronda Rousey, which should/will be the first time the main event of WrestleMania has been a women’s match.

There are conflicting internet rumours that say Charlotte will eventually be added to the match. I hope that doesn’t happen because she’s not needed.

A year ago, Ric Flair’s daughter vs. Ronda Rousey would’ve been the biggest thing. Now, it’s not.

I’d much rather see Charlotte face Asuka, because if she doesn’t, I have no clue who’s worthy of facing Asuka. Maybe Kairi Sane from NXT? But then that throws a wrench in my plans for a Japanese faction consisting of: Asuka, Kairi Sane, and Io Shirai. #FantasyBooking

Also, with the WWE introducing Women’s Tag Team Championships at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view in a few weeks, it’s possible that Bayley and Sasha Banks could win those.

And then at the end of WrestleMania, we could potentially have Becky, Charlotte, Bayley, and Sasha in the ring holding up their championships, while flashing the Four Horsewomen sign – a distinction they gave themselves will in NXT many years ago.

That’s important, because Ronda Rousey also claims to be apart of a Four Horsewomen faction with three of her MMA pals, who are all still in NXT.

It’s slowly starting to be teased, with Sasha holding up the four fingers in front of Ronda after their match at the Royal Rumble. Becky and Bayley subtly held them up too, the next night on RAW.

Somewhere down the line, the Four Horsewomen of WWE will face the Four Horsewomen of MMA. I just don’t know how soon.

All in all, the women’s royal rumble accomplished what it was supposed to. There was maybe too much sitting in corners and not enough attempts at throwing opponents over the top rope, but that’s also a complaint I have for the men’s rumble.

On to the men’s royal rumble match. I’ll do this one in bullet points, until the end.

  • Jeff Jarrett showing up did nothing for me, since he wasn’t around when I started watching wrestling.
  • The New Day needs to do something more serious than their current schtick.
  • Samoa Joe deserves a championship.
  • No Way Jose lasting two seconds in the match was exactly how long he should’ve been in it.
  • Pete Dunne is fantastic.
  • Andrade is a star.
  • It was good to see Johnny Gargano get called up from NXT for the rumble. His wife, Candace LeRae, also debuted in the women’s match. That must’ve been fun for them.

Bobby Lashley came out at #26 and lasted 12 seconds. His elimination looked sketchy to me. I’m not sure if he messed up, but either way, he was gone.

But not so fast because this is wrestling and the heels have to get their heat back. I’ll explain what that means at another time.

So he grabs fan-favourite and Jesus lookalike, Seth Rollins, pulls him out of the ring (but not over the top rope) and sends him through an announce table at ringside.

Yay, wrestling!

I’m tired of spots like this in matches. We all know that whoever goes through the table will stay out there for 10-15 minutes, be “forgotten” about by the commentators who are standing five feet away, and then make a miraculous comeback at the end of the match.

Spoiler: Seth Rollins ended up winning the match, which I’m happy with, but I would’ve preferred he stayed in the ring the entire time.

But the best moment of the men’s rumble match was when R-Truth came out at #30 and was attacked from behind by a woman – Nia Jax.

Nia then entered the match and eliminated Mustafa Ali, before receiving a super kick from Dolph Ziggler, a 619 from Rey Mysterio, and an RKO from Randy Orton.

Basically, she received the signature move from three of the company’s top performers.

This was the first time in about a decade that men had delivered offensive maneuvers on a woman in the WWE. Now, by no means do I condone men hitting women, and neither do the WWE.

However, this is professional wrestling. It’s a performance art. It’s a different world than the one we live in and has come a long way since 20 years ago. I know many of you won’t understand and say this is terrible, but it’s not.

Nia Jax, who is hated by fans, came out looking like a million bucks after that display. And if this slowly opens the door for the return of inter-gender matches, I’m all for it.

I mentioned Candice LeRae earlier – she made a career on the independent wrestling scene, fighting men. When she was signed by the WWE last year, she mentioned inter-gender wrestling as something she hoped would be featured again.

She might get her wish.

So, Seth Rollins is going on to WrestleMania to face Brock Lesnar. I’m tired of Lesnar and hope he goes away. He disappears with the championship for months, leaving the television show in ruins.

I’m done with that nonsense. It’s been going on for too long.

As for the other matches on the card, here are my quick thoughts on them:

  • I love that Daniel Bryan is considered a heel for telling the fans they eat too much bad food and that we’re all killing the planet by being wasteful. It’s the best.
  • Rowan?
  • Shane McMahon is doing shooting star presses off the top rope at the age of 49. What?

I have so much more I could say, including stuff about the new wrestling promotion, All Elite Wrestling, but I’ll save that for another post.

I know 99.8% of my readers have no interest in professional wrestling, so if you’ve made it this far, thank you!

Hopefully you found this to be somewhat entertaining, if not educational. I’ve never put so much effort into a post.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about anything I just wrote, or didn’t write, whether you’re a wrestling fan or not. Please share your perspective!

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Colton) – Ep. 4

Hit the floor, it’s time for episode four! I’m assuming the contingent of beavers who read my blog, are the only ones hitting the floor right now. Shame shame.

At this time, I’d like to bring in Cass, whose thoughts will appear in bold throughout this post.

~ Can you believe we get to go to Singapore tonight?

~ The girls are in the middle of a math lesson, as they realize they started with 30, but are now at 15. That’s like 1/5 of the people they started with. #BachelorMath

~ In walks the hostess without the cupcake – Chris Harrison, who looks like a supply teacher who doesn’t know if he’s in the right class.

~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch: Rolled UP

~ We start tonight with Chris calling Hannah the wrong name.

He “accidentally” called her Caelynn. Way to put the “I” in “scripted”, Chris.

~ It’s going to be a long night.

~ There is no date today because they’re going to Singapore.

~ In other the words, the people they’re renting the mansion from are back from vacation.

~ Let’s be real, they are way more excited to go on this trip than they are to hang out with Colton.

~ “Where is Singapore?” – why Hannah

~ Why is Nicole still here?

~ Singapore looks great at night. The city lights aren’t just lights, they have some pizzazz.

~ Always the pricy hotels eh ABC, let us see the girls try to make it in a hut.

~ While we’re at it, let’s see them at a Pizza Hut too. All the huts.

~ Duh, your feet are soaked because you went too close to the water…..

~ Tayshia is getting a one-on-one date. Everyone is fake excited for her. Facial expressions never lie.

~ Back from commercial, Colton is again filming a home video. Does he want to become a vlogger after this show? Where are the quick cut edits?

~ Time for the date. They’re going bungee jumping. I hope they both had a huge breakfast.

~ They’re both scared and aren’t even jumping together! Well, this is one way to break up with someone.

~ No offence, but I would not bungee jump for Colton, he is not worth it.

~ They jump. No one pukes. The show continues.

~ Time for dinner! I spy with my two eyes, something that is empty. Give up? It’s their stomachs. Because they don’t eat!

You guys can tell by now when I intentional make a joke unfunny, right? God, I hope so.

~ Tayshia tells him she got a divorce this past year, from her first boyfriend.

~ Back at the hotel, the next date card is for: Hannah G., Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie, and Hannah B.

~ Which means, Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) is getting the one-on-one. And the pageant drama continues!

~ Back on the date, Colton gives Tayshia a rose and takes her on the giant ferris wheel that overlooks Singapore.

~ They are the only ones on it, so I guess you can say it’s FERRIS WHEEL’S DAY OFF!

~ I zoned out….what did I miss. 

~ Time for the group date! There are 13 girls on the date, so when they buddy up, one person will have to go with the teacher – Mr. Underwood.

~ 13 women, 1 Colton. Good luck, buddy.

~ Oh snap, pageant drama and Demi.

~ Oh hey, they’re getting leeches put on their skin. There’s an analogy here but I can’t quite get it to stick.

~ Demi clinging to Colton is making this episode.

~ “Do you guys wanna pet my leech?” – CUE THE CORNY

~ Courtney wishes her parents didn’t sign the permission slip for this field trip.

~ She asks if the leeches are FDA approved.

~ I would be Courtney asking all these questions.

~ They come across a fortune teller in the street, who says that Cassie is Colton’s sister from a past life.

~ Cassie and Colton, sitting in a tree, arguing about who gets to watch TV.

~ Meanwhile, Hannah B. thinks Colton’s ignoring her because she was annoying last week.

~ It could be that, or the fact he brought a baker’s dozen amount of people on this date AND CAN’T TALK TO ALL OF YOU.

~ It’s time for lunch and for the first time ever, they are eating food on this show. What is the food? I couldn’t tell you, but Hannah just said she ate a fish eye, so we’ll take her word for it.

~ I would not eat a fish eye for anybody. NEXT.

~ Hannah’s nose is burnt!

~ Oh look, even Singapore has couches for everyone to sit on for the night portion of a group date. I was getting worried.

~ Hannah steals him away and Colton tells her he’s okay with her and Caelynn having beef. Of course he is, the two-on-one date isn’t for another episode or two.

~ Colton and his sister from a former life, Cassie, are alone now as the camera zooms in on them.

~ “That’s not a kiss a sister would give.” – Oh, are they going to write their own jokes now?

~ This show is two seconds away from going to a black screen.

~ Katie brings Colton special chocolates.

~ Sydney wraps him up in mummy tape.

~ Hannah G. is reading his palm. It says, “Let me give you a hand.” GET IT? IT’S BECAUSE IT’S A HAND.

~ Courtney is upset she’s not getting any time, while Demi tells us Courtney’s strategy is lazy.

~ Demi just gave Courtney some good words of advice there.

~ And there you have it, so many marriage-like bonds being made in Singapore! I can hardly keep up.

~ Demi is now telling Colton that her mom was released from federal prison this past week.

~ “I’m not judging that at all.” – Colton

~ Colton’s not judging the fact that Demi’s mom was in federal prison, but you could tell by the look on his face, that would hurt his “All-American good boy athlete” look.

~ There’s a joke here I made in my head, but won’t type out.

~ Back on the couch, Courtney is growing more and more perturbed. Demi is annoyed by her nonsense and goes to talk to Colton for the second time tonight.

~ Is Courtney self-sabotaging, or is that just a really comfortable couch?

~ The girls are encouraging Courtney to go talk to Colton. She’s going to do it! She’s off the couch!

~ Courtney is on the move! Andddd she’s talking to Demi. Good heavens.

~ DEMI IS NOT THE BACHELOR.

~ Courtney questions Demi’s maturity so Demi says, “You have the right to feel that way and I have the right to not care. I’m over you.”

~ Colton must never send Demi home. Give her immunity until the final two.

~ DEMI IS GETTING THE GROUP DATE ROSE. YES!

~ Uh she got the rose.

~ Definitely shut everyone up there.

~ Courtney didn’t talk to Colton at all tonight. Has she never seen the show?

~ Night has turned to day and it is time for Caelynn’s date. Her arch-nemesis, Hannah B., is trying to stare daggers through her face.

~ They’re going shopping because Colton likes to splurge every once in a while. In other words, the producers gave him a Singaporean credit card.

~ So we get bungee jumping, leeches, and a shopping spree tonight. Next week they’re going to solve a four-piece puzzle and then nap. You heard it here first.

~ Caelynn is trying on a bunch of dresses. This feels like the part of the episode where Cass can take over for a bit.

~ I just love all of Caelynn’s clothes.

~ Look at all those bags.

~ Oh what? Caelynn is back at the hotel? So soon?

~ Caelynn just walks in with a freaking armful of bags and of course the Valentino one is front and centre.

~ “Hey, look what your boyfriend bought me.” – #UnsaidQuotes

~ Jesus, I love those shoes.

~ Caelynn is holding an impromptu show-and-tell session now.

~ This would so not be easy to watch.

~ I’m just gonna put this out there: Caelynn is 100% taking Colton’s virginity.

~ They are out for dinner now.

~ Caelynn shares with him that she was sexually assaulted in college.

~ I’m shook right now.

~ Caelynn’s story is every girls nightmare.

~ It is time for the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, which is taking place at the Fairmont Singapore!

~ Fairmont Singapore – Yours to Discover!

~ Colton and Hannah G. mess up the perfectly made bed in his room, and then fix it up before leaving. How considerate.

~ Caelynn has pulled Hannah B. aside.

~ Pageant problems in the ‘Pore shall persist! Say that 486 times fast.

~ “We used to be good friends and then we had a tiff.” – Hannah

~ WHAT WAS THE TIFF?

~ Caelynn wants to squash the beef. They both apologize!

~ THEY’RE HUGGING?

~ What show is this? They didn’t even have a moderator. They squashed their problems with a mature, adult conversation.

~ I’m glabberfasted.

~ Word War 3 averted for now, now we just have to make it through Demi and Courtney drama.

~ The Courtney and Demi drama has moved into the main event spot on the card.

~ Demi goes to tell Colton that Courtney is the cancer of the house and she isn’t deserving of his heart.

~ Courtney walks in on them kissing. Oh, these producers are smooth with their timing cues.

~ Courtney claims Demi isn’t there for the right reasons and she’s here to “play the game.”

~ It’s all about the game and how play it. It’s all about control and if you can take it. All about your debt and if you can pay it. It’s all about pain and who’s gonna make it.

~ Oh Courtney, spending your time with Colton, bashing Demi, will get you sent home ASAP.

~ This is Colton’s worst nightmare.

~ Hey Colton, go bribe the production crew with your Singaporean credit card and ask them if you can review some footage for 20 minutes while they’re all “on a break”.

~ After how many seasons, we can all agree that most people are not there for the right reasons.

~ I wish you guys could see how serious this show was in 2002. Back when getting married was more important than Instagram followers.

~ Courtney returns to the group and confronts Demi.

~ Safe to say Colton won’t pick either of them in the end, so can I fast forward as they argue with each other?

~ Hannah trying not to laugh is all of us.

~ Christopher O’Harr-ison – the airport, himself – walks in and says it’s time to land the plane.

~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Not to be confused with the Rosé Ceremony, which is a Bachelor Italy staple.

~ Chris was totally eavesdropping and waiting for that argument to be over.

~ Rose ceremonies would be so stressful. 

~ Bed maker extraordinaire, Hannah G., gets a rose.

~ Heather gets a rose. Did she say one word this episode?

~ Kirpa gets a rose. She gets no screen time.

~ Hannah B. gets a rose.

~ Katie gets a rose.

~ I’m starting to realize tonight’s episode revolved around six people and the rest were just there as extras.

~ Elyse gets a rose.

~ Sydney gets a rose.

~ Sister in a former life, Cassie, gets a rose. Should’ve never gone to that fortune teller.

~ Nicole gets a rose.

~ Onyeka gets the final rose.

~ He only has a real connection with 3-4 people. This is a waste of time.

~ Courtney is going home.

~ Tracy is going home. The cougar den days are over.

~ ABC’s budget for this season is interesting.

It’s done.

I’m off to shovel the snow for the second time in three hours. If this doesn’t get posted, it’s because I made a snow bed on the front lawn and never came back in.

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No Lights, Camera, Action: A Review of Ozark

Happy Sunday, to those who celebrate!

Today, I’d like to direct your attention over to Becky’s blog, Strikeouts + Sprinkles, where we both wrote a post about the Netflix show, Ozark…or as I like to call it, Odark. That joke will make more sense in about two minutes.

Don’t worry, there aren’t really any spoilers. We talk about the show without actually talking about the show. It’s quite the tightrope walk we do.

So, check it out! The portal link is at the bottom of this post. You’ll be entertained. If you aren’t, we’ll provide a full refund.

Note: This is a free event

Enjoy!

This is something new here on Strikeouts + Sprinkles: A collab post! It features yours truly and Paul, from over at The Captain’s Speech! This post delves into both of us watching Ozark on Netflix. So, enjoy! As someone who watched four out of the five seasons of Breaking Bad, I love a good money laundering and drug cartel show. Doesn’t everyone? […]

via No Lights, Camera, Action: A Review of Ozark — Strikeouts + Sprinkles

Posted in Guest Posts, TV | Tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments