The Spelling Bee

Ever since I was a kid, I would get excited whenever I saw the Scripps National Spelling Bee on TV at the end of May. It’s one of those things where you do a double take and question why it’s on a sports channel, but two minutes later you’re hooked and hanging on every letter.

I seem to like really obscure things that aren’t the norm, so when you put a bunch of kids on stage and ask them to spell words that no one has ever heard, that’s entertaining to me.

Back in the day (if I can sound hip for a second), one girl stepped up to the microphone and received her word: “Epopt”.

That’s pronounced, “Eh-pawpt” for those of you playing along at home.

Well, this girl couldn’t pronounce it to save her lunch money.

“AY-POPPED”

“EH-POP”

She would say it louder each time, it turned into a comedy routine. How many different ways could she say the word before settling on the actual pronunciation?

Minutes were passing by and she still wasn’t saying the word correctly, so the adult reading the word had to go on stage and say it right next to her.

I’m pretty sure she’s the reason they instituted a time limit.

That moment has stuck with me – and my mom – forever. We still say “Epopt” to each other whenever one of us trips over the pronunciation of a word.

This year, I didn’t really watch the Spelling Bee because the Raptors were in the NBA Finals and I was incapable of comprehending anything other than that.

I did tune in for a few words, but it felt really slow and boring. I didn’t have the patience to listen to the definition of each word, or its language of origin, or how it was used in a sentence that got a chuckle from the audience.

I believe the broadcast was set for two and a half hours, but the Spelling Bee would go until there was a winner, or they ran out of words. With about 40 minutes left in the broadcast, I flipped over and saw there were still 11 kids remaining.

Holy big words, that’s a lot for this stage. So I shout over to my mom that there will probably be nine winners because there’s no way they’ll all drop out.

I go back to the Raptors game and check Twitter afterwards to see who won the Spelling Bee.

Well, it was an eight-way tie for first place! I was so close.

They’re spelling words like, Dorskopylyptic, and aren’t even hesitating.

Dorskopylyptic is a fake word that I just created, by the way. It means, “the occasion in which one holds the door open for the person behind them, but feels awkward upon realizing that person is too far away”

Used in a sentence, “Billy thought he would be nice, but quickly found himself in a dorskopylyptic situation thanks to Henry.”

I really need to create my own language.

I’ve always been a good speller. I attribute some of that to my early years of sitting outside with a mini chalkboard and spelling the words my mom quizzed me and my sister on.

In Grade 1, we had a spelling test and out of ten words, I only got one wrong. I got it wrong because I misheard the teacher and spelled a different word.

In Grade 6, our class had a Spelling Bee. We were told that participation was optional, but if you wanted to be in it, you could study the key words that appeared throughout the Spelling textbook.

For some reason, I decided not to participate. Maybe it was the whole standing at the front of the class that held me back. So, I didn’t study.

The day of the Spelling Bee arrives and the teacher asks everyone participating to stand at the front. Half the class went up.

And then slowly but surely, almost everyone still sitting down was coerced into participating, including me. I didn’t study, I’m not prepared!

Poor Preparation Prevents Peak Performance!

So much for optional participation.

Anyway, by the time first recess came around, the competition was down to two. Myself and someone else. The finals would play out after recess.

I go outside and am immediately approached by the other finalist and their flock of friends. They asked me if I could lose on purpose because the prize was a gift card to Chapters (bookstore) and “they would actually use it” and “what would I do with it, do I even go to Chapters?”

They were clearly one of the smartest people in the class, if not the grade, and here comes me – pretty smart, too, if I say so myself. I was good at the subjects that required an immediate answer like, spelling and math. No wonder I’m witty. Woah.

I was proud of myself for making them nervous. I’d fear me, too. There was no way I was going to let them win, though.

I didn’t even think about telling the teacher about this potential Beegate scandal. What would happen? I win be default? The other person cries? That’s too messy. I’ll just win.

As it turned out, I ended up losing the Spelling Bee. I can’t remember what word I got wrong. That’s probably a good thing. I would’ve outlawed it from my vocabulary.

I’m still bitter about coming in second place, mainly because I really wanted to shove that gift card in their face. I also really hate losing. I’m not a sore loser, I’ll be respectful, but it’ll eat at me.

Who the heck likes losing, anyway?

So, that’s my story. Perhaps it’s no coincidence I ended up with this blog.

In basketball, shooters shoot. In writing, spellers spell.

The End.

Are you a good speller? Were you ever in a Spelling Bee? What’s your favourite word? What word always trips you up?

Advertisements
Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

NBA Finals, Game 1: Something is Different

After last night, I think it’s clear this is not the same Toronto Raptors team I’ve been watching all my life. The team I grew up watching would’ve crumbled on a stage this big. They would’ve been intimidated by the Golden State Warriors. They would’ve looked out of place and dragged through the mud all over Twitter.

Not this team, though. Not this year.

The Toronto Raptors won Game 1 of the NBA Finals. Excusé moi? We did what?

The Raptors weren’t intimidated. They weren’t scared. Did they pass up some open shots? Yeah. But it wasn’t a glaring issue.

I was oddly calm and confident during the game. Part of that can be attributed to the fact that it didn’t hit me until half time that the Raptors were actually playing in the NBA Finals.

All of this hoopla doesn’t feel real.

It’s like I’m trying to teach my left hand that it’s capable of writing words, but my hand doesn’t want to believe it yet.

At no point during the game did I think the Raptors were in trouble. I was never worried about them coughing up the lead. I don’t know why I didn’t have those thoughts. I always have those thoughts.

As a Toronto sports fan, I am conditioned to look for red flags and sound the alarm. That didn’t happen last night.

The Warriors didn’t have Kevin Durant, and in my mind he’s not playing at all this series. However, they did have Curry, Klay, and Draymond. You can add Iguodala to that list.

Those are winners. The term “they know how to win” sounds ridiculous, right? Because everyone knows “how to win”. You score more points than your opponent, duh.

No. When you’ve won a championship before, you know exactly what it takes to do it. You know the mindset, the effort, the focus – you even know how to control the moment and make it work in your favour.

You can’t underestimate that.

The Raptors never win Game 1. The Warriors never lose Game 1.

And yet, I’m sitting on my couch watching this Raptors team cruise to a victory, in a pretty close game, and not worried about them blowing the lead.

What is wrong with me? Who am I? Do I need a system reboot?

Hello, my name is Paul 2.0. Can someone please help me through my start-up procedures? Be sure to select English when you get to the language part. Merci Beaucoup.

Seriously though, I’m not scared of the Warriors. Maybe I should be, but I’m not.

This series is far from over, I’m aware of that. But tonight’s win proved that the Raptors can beat this team. They needed this win. Losing home court advantage right out of the gate would’ve been deflating.

I’m not worried about Kawhi, even though the Warriors did a good job of containing him. He’s Kawhi Leonard. I don’t worry about superstars; they find a way, even if his leg is giving him problems.

Pascal Siakam had a big night and I’m happy for him, but this just means the Warriors will watch a lot of film and figure out how to stop him. Fortunately, without Durant, they don’t really have anyone with length who can disrupt him like Giannis did in the Bucks series.

Draymond Green is an elite defender, so maybe he figures out how to guard Siakam, but it won’t be with his smothering length.

Another reason I’m not scared of the Warriors is because of how much veteran leadership the Raptors have. This is a smart team. I’ll take a smart team over a skilled team any day of the week.

Granted, the Warriors are smart too. Dang it, can I just compliment the Raptors without forcing myself to say the Warriors hold the exact same attributes?

Both teams are great. There. Happy?

Bonjour, Je m’appelle Paul 3.0. Ou est le pamplemousse?

The playoffs are all about adjustments. In past years, it never felt like the Raptors adjusted after wins. They just came back with the same gameplan and were steamrolled because the other team figured out how to stop them.

All season, Head Coach Nick Nurse has been talking about how there are a million (or maybe he says thousands, I don’t recall) ways to win a basketball game and you just have to keep searching for the one that will work in the current game.

I love that. It forces you to be one step ahead. It forces you to change the question just as your opponent finds the answer.

The Raptors get OG Anunoby back for Game 2, which will be awesome because he’s had such a rough year, personally. I don’t know how much he’ll contribute after having not played in over a month, but his presence on the floor will be a welcome sight.

Last year, as a rookie, he was the one this team turned to to guard LeBron James. And he didn’t look scared at all. That says a lot.

I think the timing is right for this team. Everything has lead to this. The history of this organization has been put to bed.

All the former players that the fans booed out of the building whenever they returned, are now welcomed with cheers. We’ve grown to appreciate them.

As a fan base, we always wanted recognition from the US media. Hey, look at us! Hey, put us on national TV on Thursdays! Hey, stop giving us playoff games at noon! Hey, look at how good our team is! Hey, give us validation!

I don’t think we’re doing that anymore. Yeah, it’s still cool when they talk about us on PTI or Inside The NBA or even First Take, but now it’s more like, “Of course they’re talking about us” rather than, “Why won’t they acknowledge us?”

We’re no longer unsure of what we have. We know what we have. And what we have is a team that is three wins away from winning a championship and hosting a parade.

I’m aware this moment may be fleeting and the next four games could go the other way, but something is different. You can’t put it into words, you just feel it within.

Something is different.

Here’s hoping this different continues.

GAME 1: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS 109, TORONTO RAPTORS 118

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 3

It has come to my attention that the 50th edition of these Bachelor/ette recaps was two weeks ago – the season premiere. What perfect timing! And I missed it. A whole fortnight has passed.

So, here’s a belated thank you for reading these recaps and going along with the hilarity within them! In typical Canadian celebratory fashion, we’ll pass around a box of Timbits for everyone to share.

And now, join me in welcoming in the other half of these viewing notes – Cass. As always, her thoughts will appear in BOLD.

It’s that day of the week again! Let’s do this, Paul.

~ Tonight, we are starting the episode with Chris scaring the guys.

Chris Harrison is giving a sermon to the “fellas” who are all decked out in their non-branded, TV-approved clothes.

~ CH Sleeve Update: Rolled Down

~ Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C., Mike, and Cam are on the first group date.

~ Is it just me or does John Paul Jones always look confused?

~ The men run down the sidewalk to greet Hannah. Mike picks her up like she’s Simba.

~ “Circle of Wife” plays in the background: Ahhhhh Za Hannah The Bachelorette-ah

~ These guys just booked it around that corner like they were running a marathon.

~ “Guys, I want a family someday” – Hannah has taken them to classes to learn all about pregnancy, taught by Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen.

~ Lol, I love how they always say “my friends” when introducing celebs.

~ Does Hannah even know all of their last names yet?

~ Tyler C. doesn’t know much about pregnancy except that, “your belly gets bigger and bigger and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier”.

~ This is an interesting exercise.

~ Real talk, how does Jed know what a woman grows, like I didn’t even know it was placenta.

~ The men are now wearing pregnancy suits to see how it feels to be pregnant.

~ It’s time to change diapers! It’s time to rock-a-bye baby! It’s time to be a dad!

~ These guys better want kids, otherwise this is a scary damn date.

~ John Paul Jones is shaking his (fake) baby upside down, like it’s a wet bag.

~ JOHN PAUL JONES FLIPPING THAT BABY UPSIDE DOWN.

~ The final lesson will have the men experience a labour simulator. Kevin! goes first.

For those who didn’t read last week’s recap, I’m calling him Kevin! as an ode to the mother in Home Alone. Speaking of being a mom…

~ They are all in excruciating pain.

~ “Labour is like a blackout” – now I’m scared

~ Jed & Hannah are adorable.

~ John Paul is shaking & it hasn’t even started.

~ His reaction has me crying, I’m laughing so hard.

~ John Paul Jones looks like he’s having an exorcism. He also looks like Sunshine from Remember The Titans.

~ It is time for the night portion of the date and Hannah toasts to a “painless night”. GET IT? BECAUSE THE DAY WAS ALL PAIN.

~ Cocktail party number 1 of the night.

~ Jed swoops in quick here.

~ Honestly, I really hope Jed is here for the right reasons & not to further his music career because I really like them.

~ Jed has Hannah throw a chicken nugget off the roof and make a wish.

~ CHICKEN NUGGETS ARE BACK.

~ THAT CHICKEN NUGGET HAD A FAMILY, JED.

~ What a damn waste of a chicken nugget.

~ Tyler looks like he might punch Cam right now.

~ Mike opening up & talking about how him & his ex lost a child & he’s blaming himself for not being with her. My heart is hurting.

~ Cam keeps popping in to interrupt the most real moment on the show. GO AWAY, YOU BOOMERANG.

~ Cam interrupting this moment pissed me off even more.

~ LEAVE THE ROOM, CAM.

~ This is honestly the most heartfelt conversation & now Cam has interrupted three times – not once, not twice, BUT THREE FREAKING TIMES.

~ Mike kisses her right in front of Cam.

~ I’m just waiting for Mike to tell Cam to “Sit his ass down” in person. I will literally lose it.

~ Cam is still talking about bold gestures and says he quit his job to be here. Uh oh, spaghettio.

~ Jonathan comes in to break up the conversation and Cam doesn’t want to leave. This is so awkward and petty.

~ What goes around comes around, Cam. Everyone knows that.

~ Now, Always Be Cam goes to complain to Just John Paul Jones about Swoopin’ In Jonathan, even though Always Be Cam did the exact same thing but much worse.

~ So many nicknames, I need a tiny notepad.

~ John Paul Jones just eating nuggets & watching this awkward half stare down…between Jonathan and Cam.

~ At least someone is eating the food for once, thank God.

I’m starting to see the Paul side of John Paul Jones. What a hero.

~ At the house, Connor finds out he’s getting a one-on-one date.

~ Tyler just said he wants to be “her arm candy, supporting her”.

~ I just want one person to have the guts to say, “You’re great, but our lives don’t fit together”.

~ It’s really weird listening to kisses being picked up on the mics, it’s actually really gross.

~ YAY, Mike got the rose tonight.

~ Cam looks like he might hurt Mike now.

~ Alright Cam, let’s put this out there. You are not the first person to leave a job for the show, put your big boy pants on & deal with it.

~ Holy shit, we get back from commercial & Hannah is in an ambulance.

~ Hannah is now in a hospital room….

~ The date is cancelled, they’ll have a double header tomorrow but Connor is invited over to her hotel room to make her feel better.

~ I’ll bet $100 he shows up with flowers. I’ll bet $5 he shows up with chicken soup.

~ OH LOOK, HE’S GOING TO BUY FLOWERS.

~ Thank goodness ABC is footing the bill on those yellow roses.

~ OH MY GOD HE’S ALSO BRINGING HER CHICKEN SOUP LOL.

I’M TOO GOOD AT THIS.

~ I’m sure someone owes me $105. Fess up.

~ I like how the note says “door is unlocked” – it was slightly open.

~ Connor finds Hannah in her bed. She says she woke up and passed out and was pumped with fluids.

~ Cut back to Luke being all, “I’m here to protect her”. No stop, no one likes you.

~ “I’m so sorry, but I have to get back to sleep. Doctor’s orders.” – Hannah

~ They kissed a lot, so Connor will be at the hospital in about half an hour.

~ Connor leaves her a bunch of post-it notes around her hotel room. It looks like he used his foot to write them.

~ LOL Connor leaving notes was so cute, but his handwriting is awful.

~ New dating standard: be with someone that leaves cute notes hidden.

~ Connor talks like a hockey player who only knows the same three clichés.

~ We interrupt these Viewing Notes because there’s A MOTH FLYING AROUND ME.

MOTH DELAY

~ Alright, the moth has been dealt with. Shoutout to my mom for handing me her slipper.

~ Hannah wakes up and finds the notes of, “all the things Connor loves about her”.

~ At the mansion, a limo driver walks in and tells Connor his date is not over. This limo driver is coming for Chris Harrison’s job.

~ I like how “be sharp” to Connor is, wearing a plaid shirt.

~ OMG, the guys are saying he’ll get a pity rose, that is heartbreaking.

~ Connor gets a rose and now they have our first private concert of the season with Lukas Graham. I only know who he is because I clicked the info button on the PVR.

~ Back from commercial, Hannah tells us that Tyler G. had to leave. They give no explanation, but the internet has a bunch of unflattering reasons.

~ It’s time for the second group date and the guys are going to have a photoshoot.

~ Anyone else notice how Garrett was the only one not drinking on the bus?

~ Grant is way too excited for this photoshoot.

~ The guys think they’ll be posing with models, but they’re actually a combination of dogs, pigs, and snakes.

~ Insert product placement: The Secret Life of Pets.

~ Hey Paul, your girl Demi’s back.

~ I’m gonna let Paul take the reins here.

~ OH MY GOD IT’S DEMI. SHE’S THERE TO SPY ON THE GUYS AGAIN. AHHHHH.

~ I’M LIVING THAT DEMI-CHARMED KIND OF LIFE RIGHT NOW.

~ She’s hired actors to be the animal handlers and makeup artists. So smart, what a brilliant mind.

Shut up, I don’t wanna hear that the producers planned all of this for her. Lalalalalalala.

~ The spying reveals no bad apples, but that whole segment was worth it.

~ CRASH MORE DATES, DEMI. WE NEED YOU.

Alright Cass, it’s safe to come back now.

~ I’m back, Luke is so jealous right now. Jealousy is an ugly look, Luke.

~ At the photoshoot, Hannah needs Luke P. to “slow his role” because he wants to be attached to her hip the whole time.

~ Luke is coming on too strong.

~ Hannah is now talking to Luke at the night portion of the date.

~ The guys know something’s up when she pulls some aside.

~ HANNAH IS FRUSTRATED, YESSSS.

~ She tells him she’s irritated by his cockiness and that he doesn’t respect her other relationships. He looks like has no clue what she’s talking about.

~ He is starting to panic.

~ You freaking tell him girl, you tell him.

~ LUKE’S PULLING A CAM, I REPEAT HE’S PULLING A CAM RIGHT NOW.

~ Always Be Cam, meet Always Be Luke.

~ Luke is now stalking all of Hannah’s conversations, trying to get a word with her.

~ SHE JUST TOLD YOU THAT YOU DON’T RESPECT HER OTHER RELATIONSHIPS AND NOW YOU’RE PROVING HER POINT.

~ You can smell the desperation oozing off him.

~ Someone get him a cellphone so he can call it a night. GET IT?

~ This whole night is not about Hannah and the guys, it’s about Luke’s quest to talk to her again.

~ Peter Pilot is the only one having a meaningful conversation (that we see) tonight.

~ “That could be my wife right there, that really could.” – Peter Pilot

~ Luke just said he’s been thinking about going home, DO IT PLEASE.

~ OMG Peter got the rose, he deserves it after sitting in that hall with Luke fuming.

~ At the mansion, the guys are tanning by the pool and Chris Harrison shows up to inform them the cocktail party is cancelled, but they’ll be having a tailgate party instead.

~ CH Sleeve Update: Rolled Up

~ I’m so freaking happy we are getting a tailgate party, that is what this episode needed.

~ Cam tells the guys that he has something serious to tell Hannah, so he wants time with her first. The guys think he’s phony.

~ Lol Mike calling BS on Cam, this is why we watch this show.

~ Everyone honestly wants to hurt Cam right now & it could happen because there is so much testosterone flying with those footballs. 

~ Hannah wants a chill day, but Cam pulls her aside to tell her about surgeries he has had. Sorry to say, but this feels like a last ditch attempt at a sympathy rose.

~ Well Cam, of course she reacted well, she’s on National TV right now. She can’t react bad.

~ Oh, a segment about Tyler’s uhh…posterior.

~ Wow, Tyler’s butt is fantastic. (Sorry Paul, I had to).

~ STOP IT. Even though this is what makes these recaps great, but STOP IT.

~ Mike tells Hannah that Cam planned to tell her his story to get a pity rose.

~ We got plenty of football puns at this tailgate party.

~ Hannah is basically a teacher trying to manage a bunch of children. She calls Cam over to call him out for trying to manipulate her with his story.

Cam admits that he was writing the guys goodbye letters because he thought he was going home tonight.

~ LOL, he was writing the guys letters.

~ Oh Cam, homie you brought this on yourself, man.

~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, finally.

~ Hannah looks amazing, but what the hell is with that necklace?

~ This dress is meant to have no jewelry, especially chunky stuff like that. SO mad right now.

Oh yes, I too am equally aggravated about this obvious fashion faux-pas…..

~ The big Jed-y Bear gets a rose.

~ Tyler and his buns (HAPPY NOW, CASS?) get a rose.

~ Minor characters, Dustin, Dylan, and Grant get roses.

~ Who is Dustin again? I thought he went home.

~ Luke P. gets a rose after a week of scolding.

~ Garrett gets a rose.

~ John Paul Jones gets a rose. More chicken nuggets in his future.

~ I am so happy John Paul is staying. 

~ Matteo and Devin get roses.

~ Luke S. gets a rose.

~ Kevin! gets the final rose.

~ I’m so glad Kevin is still here.

~ Always Be Cam doesn’t have to go home, but he can’t stay here.

~ BYE BYE CAM.

~ Hannah’s not playing any games, boys.

~ And in 3…2…1…Cass will freak out about next week’s preview….

~ HOLY SHIT, the preview is insane.

~ Who ends up in the ambulance?

~ Who questions Hannah?

~ I have so many questions.

Never fails.

That is all for tonight, I need a week to recover from tonight.

Also, huge congrats to my homie Paul on hitting the big 5-0 with these Bachelor/ette recaps. You make these Monday’s a whole lot more bearable for us all! Next stop, hitting the triple digits!

That’s been Cass, I’ve been Paul, and we’ll see you all next week.

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

50 Thoughts XXVII

1. Do the random, far-fetched scenarios you think about before falling asleep, ever actually happen in real life?

2. Famous people really love to complain on Twitter when their flight is delayed. I’m sorry all of your money has put you in such a terrible situation.

3. I’ve made the switch to thin-sliced steaks and don’t think I’ll ever turn back. Let it cook on the stove, ONE MINUTE on each side, and it’s done.

4. Fred VanVleet’s son was born on Monday. Nick Nurse’s son was also born on Monday. The Raptors have some weird baby magic going on and IT MUST CONTINUE.

5. I woke up the other day and noticed the pulse in my ankles for the first time. It was beating out of my foot. It startled me, but then it disappeared and that freaked me out even more.

6. Back in elementary school, there was a time when the librarian gave us an individual pack of Chips Ahoy Cookies for reading a certain number of books.

7. Christine Sinclair is the best soccer player Canada has ever had and I still remember seeing her on TV for the first time in 2002, when her and Kara Lang were dominating some other country at Commonwealth Stadium in Edmonton.

8. All Elite Wrestling is what professional wrestling should be. The WWE better be worried.

9. Anders is the best character on Dynasty. Cristal Carrington is second. The final spot on the podium is up for grabs.

10. I still don’t understand why the pineapple on pizza debate just took off in the last few years, when it’s been a topping since at least 2003.

11. Whenever something doesn’t go the way I thought it would, I’ll say it was “Foibled”. This is Paul-speak for “Foiled”. When this catches on in five years, I want credit.

12. I miss the presence of “the lollipop man” in Formula 1 pit crews. Now they just have automated systems, telling the drivers to go.

13. It bothers me that they don’t interview the horses after horse races.

14. A few months ago, I was cornered into watching an episode of Project Runway with my sister. Almost every outfit looked like it could get caught in an escalator.

15. Orange freezies are the best.

16. The third season of Designated Survivor is coming to Netflix on June 7. ABC should’ve never cancelled it.

17. “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips is a banger. I dare you to tell me otherwise.

18. There’s been a shift in the keyboard industry, recently. Best to keep tabs on it.

19. “Hey, let’s fill a flexible bag with a gas and make it the primary decoration at birthday parties!” – The origin story of balloons

20. STOP APOLOGIZING FOR YOUR BLOGGING HIATUS.

21. Laura Secord has the best mint chocolate bars on the planet.

22. Ever lay on your back, stare upwards, and imagine you were able to walk on the ceiling?

23. It’s not a garden salad unless you can taste cucumber on every leaf.

24. I’m just learning that people actually hate Scrappy-Doo. I will not stand for this.

25. My friend was mad at me the other day because they HAD A DREAM that I was being awkward around them and didn’t pet their dog.

26. The weather app goes all out during thunderstorms.

27. The word “picnic” was created because it makes “eating lunch on the grass, while flicking a mosquito off your sandwich every 23 seconds” sound somewhat fun.

28. I’m already excited for fantasy football.

29. Did I miss the memo that said you’re only allowed to use sand to make castles?

30. Picture a beach full of sand castles. Now bring it to life. That’s what Monaco looks like.

31. The Michelin Man looks like he can be the father of Casper The Friendly Ghost.

32. Care Bears Countdown.

33. Betty Crocker is a fictional character, who was created for marketing purposes. And here I am thinking I haven’t made it in life until they name a boxed cake mix after me.

34. Pool Noodles should be called Pool Straws, which would make more sense because WATER.

35. Paint cans are so positive and optimistic. Otherwise, they’d be paint can’ts.

36. Back in my day, May had warm weather.

37. The human behaviour inside Costco is preparing us for the end of the world.

38. I always laugh when a sports team introduces new jerseys and over-explains what the logo and colours mean. Your jersey is blue. End of sentence. I don’t care that it represents the sky, which means the sky’s the limit for your team. Stop.

39. Wilma Flintstone always looks like she’s off to a toga party.

40. I have a hard time remembering when to use “peak” vs. “peek”, but I think I’ve figured out a way to help myself. “PEAK” has an “A” in it which looks like you’re climbing to the pinnacle of something.

41. I started reading a book about nine months ago and I’m only 107 pages into it. This is what happens when you combine a semi-interesting book with a mildly interested reader, who is too stubborn to give up on it and start another book.

42. Dust accumulates too fast.

43. MLB should extend the protective netting all the way down the foul line to the outfield wall. It’s only a matter of time before someone gets a line drive to the face. The netting will also prevent fans from reaching over and touching a live ball.

44. The social media of the future is called, YourSpace, and it’s where you just step away from the chaos and let others continue to look like fools on the internet.

45. I feel inferior to people who know how to play chess.

46. Dimetapp and Banana Medicine were the best tasting medicines when I was a kid.

47. Chocolate brownies.

48. Recently got a new pillow for my bed and it is already in my Pillow Hall of Fame. Don’t know where it’s been my whole life.

49. I’ve grown to appreciate shorts that have a mesh lining on the inside.

50. Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

Posted in 50 Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

The Toronto Raptors Are In The NBA Finals

I can’t believe I just wrote that. The Toronto Raptors are in the NBA Finals. What!? This is not real life. This doesn’t happen to us. This doesn’t happen to Toronto sports teams. What do you mean we’re going to be playing games in June?

The Toronto Raptors defeated the Milwaukee Bucks, 100-94, to win the Eastern Conference and secure a berth in the NBA Finals for the first time in the team’s 24-year history.

By the way, the last 29.6 seconds of the game took 16 minutes to play. I went back to check. I’ve waited 24 years for this moment and those 29.6 seconds were, by far, the most agonizing.

For the last two and a half hours, I’ve been in a state of, “WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?” Yes, the all caps are necessary.

I sat on the couch shaking for over an hour. I’ll never forget this night.

This is one of those moments you tell the grandkids about.

From the minute I was born, I’ve loved sports. Don’t ask me why or how, it’s just the way I am. I was that kid who wore sports jerseys to school. I was that kid who always heard, “The Leafs suck”, and “The Raptors are so bad”, and “Who even watches baseball?”

My fandom, my loyalty, the essence of my being – have all been questioned, doubted, and mocked because Toronto sports teams aren’t good. And when they are good, it ends horribly.

It ends in Game 7. And then it ends in another Game 7. And then another Game 7.

And when my heart isn’t being ripped out of my chest, it’s put on a yo-yo, so I can get my hopes up every three seconds.

I was alive when the Blue Jays won the World Series in 1992 & 1993, but I was born in 1991 and have no memory of them.

The Toronto Raptors, however, entered the NBA in 1995. By that time, I was 4-years-old and tripping over hula-hoops at school, which is to say I grew up with the Raptors.

There was one day in kindergarten when they had us bring in a pillow and blanket (optional) because we were all going to have a group nap in the gym.

For the occasion, my mom bought me a square pillow – I think they’re called “throw pillows”. Anyway, it was black and had the Toronto Raptors logo in the middle of it.

I can still remember the smell of it. So fresh, so new, so Zellers. I still have it, it’s currently sitting on the rocking chair behind me.

For the first few years of the Raptors’ existence, they played out of the SkyDome – a baseball stadium.

That is so 90s, I love it. I just want to know the dialogue that took place back then.

“Hey NBA, we’d like to have a team in Toronto.”

“Hey Toronto, no problem. Where will they play?”

“We were thinking the SkyDome. You’ve probably heard of it, everyone’s going crazy about the retractable roof.”

“Ah yes! The baseball stadium! That’s perfect! You may have one (1) team.”

Sometimes I wish I was born 5 years earlier, so I could’ve fully appreciated how wacky sports were in the 90s. The 90s sports scene is my spirit animal.

I still remember watching those early games on TV. I would even use the VCR to tape them, just so I could go back and watch them whenever I wanted.

Who does that? No one. Especially not kids who don’t know how to tie their shoes yet.

There was just something I loved about it. I didn’t know what the NBA was. I didn’t know there were standings, or playoffs. I didn’t know what the greater purpose for these games was. And none of it mattered, I was hooked.

Then Vince Carter came in and the team moved over to the Air Canada Centre. I still remember the first game they played at the ACC. It was against the Vancouver Grizzlies and I think it was a 6PM start.

So, I’m in the kitchen eating dinner and have the TV on in the next room with the game on. After every bite, I stood up to take a look.

Nothing has changed about me since I was child, except now I’ll just eat in front of the TV if I have to. Sports have always come first. I don’t know how else to live.

It was always a race for me to get my homework done before 7PM because that’s when the games were on. Yeah, I have a test tomorrow but the Raptors are on. Or the Leafs are on. Or Blue Jays. Argos. You name it, I found a reason to be in front of the TV at 7PM.

The Vince Carter years with the Raptors were exciting and he brought us to the playoffs, but then the winning stopped and the injuries started, and next thing you know he’s traded to the New Jersey Nets and the Raptors receive two guys named, Williams, and a guy named, Mourning.

Alonzo Mourning didn’t even enter the country. He didn’t want to be here.

That happened in December 2004.

From the 2002-03 season all the way until the 2012-13 season, the Raptors were awful. They had one winning season out of eleven. Oh, they also won half their games in another season, but whatever.

That is 11 seasons of armpit-ery. I just created that word, feel free to use it. But you know what, I watched just about every one of those games.

The last six seasons of Raptors basketball have been outstanding. They have four 50+ win seasons in a row.

What?

Little Paul could not fathom such a thing ever happening.

But within all that success there was still a lot of failure. There were two first round exits, and then 12 losses to LeBron James in 14 games.

The Raptors would go to the dance, but they’d end up sitting in a washroom stall until it was over. That is my analogy for how the playoffs have gone for this team.

They would crumble and you could see it through the TV, year after year. You knew when it was coming.

“Typical Raptors”, they’d say. And they’d be correct. There was a pattern of losing.

Enter – Kawhi Leonard. Robot. Cyborg. Superstar. Saviour.

Oh, so this is what it’s like to have one of the best players in the NBA on your team. Now, we have something. Now, we have a team that is the perfect blend of wise owls and young bucks. Now, we have the right mix and it shows.

You don’t make the NBA Finals by accident. You don’t just back your way into it. You have to beat teams that are capable of beating you. The Raptors have done that.

Orlando Magic – Hocus Pocus’d
Philadelphia 76ers – Cheese Steak’d
Milwaukee Bucks – Deer, Cleared

I’m already talking myself into the Toronto Raptors beating the Golden State Warriors. Heck, we’re already 2-0 against them this season. Let’s shock the world!

All those years when no one took us seriously. All those rebuilds. All those players that left. All the playoff disappointments. All of it lead to this moment. It’s a moment I’ve always dreamed of, but never thought would happen.

Why would it? We’re Toronto. We don’t win stuff. We lose, in the most heart-crushing ways possible. If a cat has nine lives, then a Toronto sports fan must have about 284.

The Toronto Raptors’ journey from a freakin’ baseball stadium, to the NBA Finals, is exactly why I love sports. You never know when things will change, so you better keep watching, as to not miss it when it does.

This is still so surreal to me. I need to take a deep breath, or 87.

Win or lose, I’m so proud of this team.

That being said, I really want a parade downtown. I want to experience that chaos. I want to wander around, trying to find people I know, and then when I find them I want to say, “OH MY GOD, WE’RE AT A PARADE” and then laugh because that would be the most unbelievable thing we’d ever experience.

It’s a very specific request, but I think it’s doable.

Sports are the best and last night was magical.

No one wake me from this dream.

IT HAPPENED

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

The Moment

The best picture you can take is one that doesn’t require a camera. It’s a mental image. A lasting impression for a moment that stood still, even though no one said, “cheese”.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about life and how it comes in waves. I’ve been thinking about what it means to live in the moment.

Is it eerie that as I finished typing that last sentence, the lyric “And even though the moment passed me by, I still can’t turn away” played through my laptop speakers?

“Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls, for those who care.

I have a good memory for moments.

I remember the last softball game I ever played as a kid. We won the championship for the second year in a row (I was 3-0 in championship games, thank you) and I remember turning back to look at the field one last time before going to the car.

And the image I remember is a party size pizza box on top of a garbage can that was too small to hold it. The moment wasn’t made to be special, even though it was the end of something.

I remember the last day of high school, which was prom. My dad picked me up at the banquet hall, I said goodbye to the people around me, and left. It wasn’t some emotional send-off with hugs or anything. It was just time to go home.

At the time, I didn’t have Facebook. It never hit me that I would never see some of these people again. There was no sense of, “I’ll miss this”. That’s not to say high school was horrible, I just never gave it a thought one way or another.

Then, going off to a university where I only knew one other person – that didn’t scare me. I’m still baffled by this. Not once did I ever think, “Oh man, this is a daunting situation.” Nope. Just rolled with the punches.

The first time I truly recognized a moment was ending and that I’d miss it, was at the end of my second year. I lived in residence and my floor was the greatest collection of people I’ve ever been around.

We were a family. I’m talking, nightly dinners where 25 people marched to the dining hall and put tables together.

At the time, you think it’s going to last forever. Then the end of the school year arrives and everyone goes back to where they came from. I remember being one of the last to move out and having to watch my friends leave one by one.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sit in the hallway and cry beneath my hoodie. That’s real.

Although I’d see everyone the following year, it wouldn’t be the same. We wouldn’t be just an obnoxious yell away.

By the time I made it to the first day of my final year, I felt like I was fighting a countdown clock. I told myself I’d say “Yes” to as many things as I could for the next eight months because once they’re done, it’s over.

Fast-forward to my final day. I finished my exam in the morning and had meet-ups scheduled with friends all the way until 2am, just to say goodbye. That included a big hug for my favourite cafeteria lady, who had become my mom away from mom.

I was sucking the juice out of every last second because I knew how I would feel after it was all gone.

By that point in my life, I was starting to recognize the starts, stops, and re-starts of life that are disguised as weeks and months, but are really just moments that shape who you are for a specific amount of time.

I started this blog two months later. Two months after that, school started again and I wrote about all the little things I missed about it. That post got featured and opened me up to a whole world of bloggers.

If I didn’t shake my shoulders out and strip myself of every excuse as to why I couldn’t share my emotional thoughts about missing school on a “sports blog”, I probably stop blogging a few weeks later and aren’t writing this post right now.

As for all of you bloggers, I’ve been here for six years and bounced from friend group to friend group. The reality is, bloggers stop blogging and all of a sudden that community you were apart of is no more.

Those people you interacted with are gone. Those conversations you had end. The clock runs out.

So, yeah, maybe in the back of my head I’m wondering who’s still going to be here two years from now.

Outside of this blog, in the past few years, I’ve had the tendency to recognize when something will end before it even starts, and thus not allowing myself to enjoy it fully.

I’ve been trying not to do that lately.

But before this turns into an episode of Dr. Phil where he tells me I have some sort of phobia, let me say this:

At the beginning of this post I said I’ve been thinking about life and how it comes in waves.  All of these experiences were waves and they ended because I didn’t need them anymore. I don’t mean to say that so bluntly, but rather, one thing ended so another could begin.

The people in your life ten years ago probably aren’t the same ones in your life right now.

Hear me out.

In sports, a head coach can sometimes only take a team so far before they need another voice to lead them places they’ve never been.

In life, I am my own team. To someone else, I am the coach. You are your own team. To someone else, you are the coach.

If that doesn’t make sense, it’s because I have no credentials to be saying any of this.

There’s a reason why we’re still not close friends with every close friend we’ve ever had from the day we were born. The special ones stay with us, everyone else is dropped.

Again, that may sound blunt, but isn’t it true?

If you’ve ever seen the show, “How It’s Made” you’ll know that products go through many stages before appearing on shelves at the grocery store.

We are the same way. In each stage, we find new people, new experiences, new places, new ideas, new mindsets – you name it. Each stage prepares us for the next one, I truly believe that.

So, when it comes to living in the moment and not worrying about the starts and stops of life – I’m trying to look at my memories as part of the story, rather than the whole book. And the moment that I’m living is just preparing me for the next one.

Because for a while, those memories felt like giant figures sitting in the row ahead of me at the theatre, preventing me from seeing the next scene in the movie of my life.

Wow, that line was good. I should end this now.

Anyway, that’s what has been on my mind, and it was brought to the forefront last night when the Toronto Raptors moved to within one win of the NBA Finals.

It hit me that I better enjoy this – and not worry about when it may end – because who knows when it’ll happen again?

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments

Feeding Frenzy

My blog friend Suchie sent me a message all the way from India to request that I write a song about pizza, donuts, and coffee. I don’t drink coffee, I haven’t had a donut since 2018 (I think), but I do daydream about pizza…so I accepted the challenge.

Here is my song, which was written in about ten minutes because I’m just that good.

Note: If you’re wondering why it says “Hun-jun-hungry” in the lyrics, it’s because I made a typo and liked it too much to change it to “Hun-hun-hungry”. In the music industry they refer to this as “creative freedom”, or “dumb luck”.

“FEEDING FRENZY”

Everything you need is in the kitchen
We find the pizza, it’s a win win
One more donut won’t be a sin sin
But I spit up my coffee in the bin bin

You caught me in a food mood
don’t mean to be so rude (so rude)
now you caught me in a food mood
don’t mean to be so rude (so rude!)

We fill our tummy
It’s so yummy
One too many donuts
I feel funny
It’s allergy season
My nose is runny
Still won’t drink your stinkin’ coffee

You caught me in a food mood
don’t mean to be so rude (so rude)
now you caught me in a food mood
don’t mean to be so rude (so rude!)

(Piano solo)

I see a salad, I go eat it
It’s not a pizza, but I will get fit
I throw the donut, like a ring toss
Around a chicken finger, now I need floss
There’s no escaping the escape clause
Still not sippin’ coffee, you can get lost

You caught me in a food mood
don’t mean to be so rude (so rude)
now you caught me in a food mood
don’t mean to be so rude (so rude!)

Now I’m hun-jun-hungry
Gotta feed me
Oh, I’m hun-jun-hungry
Like a frenzy
Yeah, I’m hun-jun-hungry
Just ready to eat

Posted in Music, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 2

Welcome back to another life-changing edition of viewing notes for episode two of The Bachelorette. This week, we learn the ABCs of love which DEF-initely brings out the alpha-bet obsessed nature of one contestant, while another contestant is just plain old obsessed.

So, grab a chicken nugget and get ready to profess your love to someone you met two days ago because the best Bachelorette recap on the internet begins….in about 4.3 seconds.

As always, I’m happy to have Cass joining me to add her thoughts, which will appear in BOLD. One of us leans on the Caps Lock button a lot tonight. Place your bets now.

Week 2, let’s do this!

~ Hannah is rapping because she’s not like the former bachelorettes and this show wants to hammer home their thesis statement.

~ Hannah trying to rap was pretty weird, I could have done without it.

~ The guys have moved into the mansion and are fully clothed in neutral coloured, non-branded shirts. We call this look, “The Boyfriend Who Dresses Too Fancy In Their Own House”.

~ Reason #146 why I’ll never be on this show: I’m currently wearing a neon yellow shirt and could be mistaken for Charlie Brown.

~ Luke is so fake, like dude stop. You just met her.

~ Chris Harrison saunters into the living room with a date card in his hand and an, “It’s too early for this” look on his face.

~ CH Sleeve Watch: Rolled UP

~ Group date time already, so ready for this.

~ Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, and Luke P. are on the first group date.

~ The eight lookalikes meet Hannah at a theatre where they will be competing in the Mr. Right Pageant. Miss J is there, too. I don’t know who that is.

~ OMG IT’S MISS J.

~ Chris Harrison is there in a tuxedo to host the Pageant. Was Steve Harvey not available?

~ CH Sleeve Watch: Rolled DOWN

~ They are competing in a talent portion as well as a runway portion, where they will wear a speedo.

~ Correction: The speedo will wear them.

~ I really don’t want to see these guys in speedos.

~ Mike is walking in those heels like he was born to.

~ Drag Superstars, Alyssa and Alaska, will be judges along with Miss J.

~ This Mr. Right Pageant is going to be great.

~ They start with the men walking the runway in their speedos. I’ll defer to Cass for commentary on this.

~ It’s speedo time, I’m not ready for this.

~ Team Magic Mike.

~ Jed in the cowboy boots might have won that walk.

~ Luke walked that like he’s a totally hardcore gym douche.

~ Talent time, let’s go boys.

~ John Paul Jones is on a unicycle. This is the most logical thing I’ve ever seen on this show.

~ Nick Viall’s lookalike plays a trumpet(?) terribly. Stick to the recorder.

~ Jed & his guitar just ended this competition.

~ WHAT IS LUKE DOING?

~ STOP, THIS IS A TALENT COMPETITION.

~ Luke P. doesn’t have a talent, so he gets on the microphone and tells Hannah that he’s starting to fall in love with her. And then he goes to kiss her.

~ YOU CAN’T PROFESS YOUR LOVE ON DATE ONE.

~ IT’S EPISODE TWO. PULL THE ALARM. EVACUATE THE BUILDING. SEND IN THE HAZMAT TEAM. WE CANNOT HAVE THESE FEELINGS IN THE AIR AT THIS POINT IN THE PROCESS.

~ Luke P. is named Mr. Right because of course.

~ Like, how in the hell did Luke win Mr. Right?

~ You got it Jed, the rose does mean more than that Mr. Right title.

~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and they’re sitting around a fire like they always do.

~ Luke P. steals her away first, so the guys can talk about him when he’s not there.

~ All the guys are making digs at Luke.

~ I love the pettiness.

~ Hannah wonders how he’s already falling in love with her when they’ve only known each other for 48 hours.

~ Luke developed a connection with her before he met her…IS THAT POSSIBLE?

~ “Luke P. told me he’s starting to fall in love with me and I believe him.” – Hannah

~ I’m getting serious creeper vibes, send him home girl.

~ I still say he’s gone by Episode 5 because she couldn’t “get there” with him.

~ OMG she just said Luke says everything she wants to hear.

~ Mike just called Luke a dog, you tell him Mike.

~ Guys can be so petty, I love it.

~ The first one-on-one date goes to Tyler G., who is he again?

~ The group date rose is going to Jed, who is a third generation Nick Viall lookalike.

~ Jed better be the one who gives musicians a good name, finally.

~ Jed deserves that rose today!

~ It’s time for the one-on-one date with Tyler G. and a helicopter is picking them up in the driveway, which means a tornado is touching down. BOARD UP THE WINDOWS.

~ Hannah wearing a whole white outfit…good luck girl.

~ She just said that “Tyler is like Tim Tebow but hotter” – I’m dying because I now see the resemblance.

~ They’re going to ride some ATVs and sling some mud.

~ SHE IS ABOUT TO GO ATV-ING IN ALL WHITE.

~ That looked like a real fun date.

~ It’s time for dinner at the Hollywood Roosevelt and for the first time this season, the tiny round dinner table makes an appearance.

~ I can’t unsee the Tim Tebow thing.

~ I didn’t really listen to what they were talking about because I was too busy trying to come up with a tiny table joke. I’d share it with you, but there’s NOT ENOUGH SPACE.

~ I like that we’re getting to know Tyler G.

~ Back at Harrison Manor, the next date card is for: Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter Pilot, and Garrett.

~ Three guys aren’t on a date this week. One of them is Mr. ABC – Always Be Cam.

~ Cam is spitting crazy thoughts.

~ Hannah is giving Tyler G. a rose.

~ It is time for Group Date Numero Deux and everyone is in athletic clothes.

~ They’re at a roller rink! This is awesome.

~ It’s roller derby time.

~ This is like short track speed skating, except contact is encouraged. I think. I hope.

~ I love Hannah’s shorts, where can I find those?

~ The guys are falling all over the place.

~ This looks kinda boring.

~ Back to Cam with his harmonica solo.

~ Chris Harrison is there with Fred Willard to call the action for The Bachelorettes Derby Dudes Derby.

~ CH Sleeve Update: Rolled DOWN

~ It’s the orange team vs. the green team.

~ Start the derby!

~ The green team is having issues.

~ Wow, bodies are falling everywhere.

~ Dustin has been injured. He’s episode-to-episode with a sore ankle.

~ What a complicated sport. Couldn’t they just go play laser tag?

~ How do you find out who wins?

~ The green team won, if anyone cares.

~ It’s time for dinner at Big Daddy’s. I don’t name the restaurants, don’t look at me.

~ She tells Dustin that his subtle energy is noticed. He’s going to go to sleep tonight like, “Yes! She notices my subtle energy! I’ll keep that up, but not too much.”

~ Peter seems like the sweetest guy.

~ What is going on with Garrett’s hair?

~ Holy shit.

~ CAM JUST SHOWED UP AT THE GROUP DATE.

~ ABC is here!

~ “Howdy howdy, y’all.” – Cam

~ Like dude, you can’t just show up like that.

~ Cam brought her flowers, which means he had his driver make a detour to a grocery store that was open late, before dropping him off.

~ The rules of The Bachelorette clearly state that you must share one (1) girlfriend with 29 other men and only go on the dates that are assigned to you, as written on the date cards by an intern.

~ Hannah says this is “a good surprise”.

~ I no longer know what “a good surprise” is.

~ Our dancing contractor is pissed, let’s get him dancing.

~ Hannah is trying so hard to let him down easy & then that kiss just threw that off.

~ Cam is talking to the camera and is being interrupted by guys who are on the date, who aren’t happy he’s there to steal time from them.

~ Tyler creeping up on Cam right now is the best thing yet.

~ & now Garrett creeps up on him.

~ & Kevin is now talking to Cam.

~ Cam is now fielding more one-on-one conversations than Hannah.

~ This keeps getting better & better.

~ The group date rose goes to Dustin.

~ Back in the mansion for the cocktail party, Hannah starts crying during the toast. At least, I think this is a toast…

~ There are too many toasts on this show.

~ Mike coming in with the, “Can we get her some Kleenex?”

~ Connor S. (I think) takes her outside.

~ Connor S. swooping in quick there, just trying to make up for not getting a date.

~ But, she just said she feels good about where they’re at so that makes up for it.

~ I’m changing ABC from “Always Be Cam” to “Always Be Cass”.

Woah woah woah, I want in on this fun.

NOP – Never Overhaul Paul. I don’t know what that means.

~ Kevin and Hannah let out some screams, when Cam swoops in and brings them to a rose-shaped heart, where he wants to eat chicken nuggets with them.

~ I feel so bad for Kevin.

~ Cam needs to stop, he is getting so creepy.

~ SNACK TIME. IS. OVER. Don’t know why I yelled that.

~ KEVIN THREW NUGGETS AT CAM.

~ FOOD FRIGHT! (I’m just assuming the nuggets are frightened)

~ I CAN’T RIGHT NOW, I JUST CAN’T.

~ Tyler The Contractor is now joining her in the heart, set up on the ground outside.

~ Tyler C. is locked in apparently.

~ In an alternate universe, Tyler is a greaser in The Outsiders.

~ In another alternate universe, Tyler is a member of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, and sings certain parts of “Sherry”.

~ I do like Tyler C., I just don’t know if I trust him after creepin’ his Insta hardcore last week. 

~ Luke P. is giving her a massage in a room that has candles on the wall. I’m going to refrain from making a “heating up” joke.

~ LUKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT IS GOING ON?

~ STOP, PLEASE DON’T SAY THIS IS A SNEAK PEAK.

~ I’M GOING TO BE SICK.

~ DON’T TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF HANNAH, IT’S A GAME.

~ DON’T DO IT.

~ Luke takes his shirt off and Jed walks in and asks, “What’s going on?” because the dad of the show, Chris Harrison, wasn’t available to deliver that line himself.

~ I WILL NEVER LOOK AT DESERT THE SAME, LUKE P. IS NOT DESERT.

~ I’m so glad Jed walked in & almost stopped that.

~ Hannah goes to talk to Jed and they laugh about it. He’ll have trouble sleeping later.

~ Side note: Jed is in 3 different shades of white right now.

~ It is time for the Rose Ceremony.

~ I am so nervous.

~ Tyler The Contractor, greaser, newest member of the band, & his pastels get the first rose.

~ Garrett & his hair got the second rose & they are staying.

~ Devon, and Connor S. get roses.

~ Luke P. gets a rose.

~ Dylan, Luke S., and Mike get roses.

~ Honestly, how could she give both Lukes a rose? That seems wrong.

~ But on the bright side, Mike got a rose!

~ Peter Pilot lands a rose.

~ Kevin! gets a rose. From here on out I’ll be saying his name like the mother in Home Alone when she remembers she forgot her son at home. Kevin!

~ Jonathan, Joey, and Matteo get roses.

~ Joey needs to fix his eyebrows, I cringe every time they do a close up.

~ John Paul Jones gets a rose.

~ Grant gets a rose.

~ This Rose Ceremony is making me realize that tonight’s episode was only focussed around about four people.

~ Always Be Cam gets the final rose.

~ WHY WOULD YOU KEEP CAM?

~ Hannah likes guys who make bold moves, so Cam continues to be bold by making a toast, “To my future best friend, Ms. Hannah (whatever his last name is).”

~ “Gotta be bold, fellas, gotta be bold.” – Cam, completely unaware

~ That was a bad toast, Cam.

~ In a world full of bold, be an italic. He’ll be gone next week.

~ Hannah walks away to give an interview to the producers and Luke P. follows her.

~ WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LUKE?

~ WHAT IS GOING ON?

~ DON’T SIT ON HIS LAP.

~ STOP THIS, STOP.

~ At this rate, these two are going to have grandchildren by the finale.

~ When they say, “Everything I’m telling you is 100% real” it probably isn’t.

~ Luke P. always gets background music like he’s the villain in Scooby-Doo, who’s pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes. The editors are sending subliminal messages to our ears.

~ YOU CAN’T TRUST HIM, HANNAH.

Wow, that was one stressful week. I feel like I need a glass of wine after that. To make things worse, next week looks even more stressful.

Again, thank you so much for having me Paul. It’s always a total honour!

See you all next week!

I have nothing to add!

What did you think of this week’s episode?

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Puzzle

Wake up alone
next to the ringing of the telephone
it says there is no space anymore
won’t let me put another thing in the drawer
not even if I close it quick
but what am I supposed to do
when all my puzzle pieces don’t fit with you
maybe I’ll keep a few
maybe I’ll keep a few

The pieces I lost may never be found
you can find my invincibility somewhere in the ground
but a time capsule does not hold tomorrow
which is where I will find new pieces to borrow
just do not ask me right now
do not make me say no
I will catch up to the rest of you
maybe in a few
maybe in a few

There is nothing to see and nothing to say
my words might make it seem differently
but the walls are bare
please do not look all the way over there
not yet
not until the paint can dry
I promise these little pigs will fly for you
maybe I can see a few
maybe I can see a few

But right now
I am still trying to find
the puzzle pieces that blow my mind
I need a clue
maybe you have a few
maybe you have a few.

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 1

It’s only been two months since The Bachelor ended. In that time, Hannah B. went on a journey to find love and brought a camera crew with her. Now, it’s time to roll tide the footage and let the world see what 30 single men will do for a few thousand Instagram followers love.

As always, I’ll be here to provide play-by-play recaps for each episode because most of you would rather read this than watch the show.

I’m happy to announce that joining me behind the virtual commentary desk once again this season is my friend, Cass! At this point, I think she feels like she’s intruding on these recaps, while I think I’m being a bother every time I ask her to be a part of them. It’s a very Canadian dynamic.

Cass’ thoughts will be in bold, so you can tell us apart. At times, you’ll see me respond to some of her comments because I like to take advantage of my role as editor.

Oh hello, guess who’s back for another season of The Bachelorette? Hannah B. is the bachelorette and I am all for it! Like, if I could be gal pals with Hannah, I would!

And with that, we begin the best bachelorette recap on the internet.

~ We start off in Tuscaloosa, Alabama where Hannah is Facetiming with Chris Harrison. He informs her that she is the next bachelorette.

~ Cut to shots of Hannah around town, standing underneath train tracks, and slowly walking through a wheat field.

~ There’s an extra emphasis on Hannah “not being like other bachelorettes” so scenes that normally make the blooper reel, are being left in.

~ We are only in the opening scenes & have already heard “Roll Tide” like 6 times. I am a Roll Tide fan, but at this rate it’s gonna be a long season.

~ Chris Harrison is driving her around town talking to locals. I call this segment, Chris In A Car Driving Like A Dad.

~ We see old footage of Hannah winning Miss Alabama.

~ Now she’s running on the football field at the University of Alabama.

The over/under is at 11.5 for the number of times someone says “Roll Tide” tonight. She’s already said it once.

~ Hannah is sitting down with former contestants, Katie and Demi! I just want to thank the producers for selecting my two favourites from last season for this “advice” segment.

~ Roll Tide Counter: 2

~ Alright, so we are meeting the men with some home shot videos…interesting.

~ And now we are meeting some of the men via professionally shot video packages.

~ Time to meet Tyler the dancing contractor.

~ Tyler loves to dance like he’s an extra in a really raunchy musical.

~ Next is Peter. He’s a pilot. Peter Pilot pronounces “Hannah” as “Henna”.

~ We met 1/2 of the pilots. I wonder where he will take her first.

~ Next is Mike, who is an Air Force veteran from Dallas. He is bringing his great-grandmother flowers as a pre-emptive apology for the type of show she will see him on.

~ Mike coming in hot with the flowers.

~ Here we have Joe, who sells boxes. He has an Italian accent, so you know they’re trying to recapture the magic that was Joey Grocery.

~ “Bawxes”

~ Oh God, Joe is already annoying me.

~ Next is Matt, who is feeding animals on a farm while dressed like a guy who’s about to walk into a Christmas party and complain about how much snow has already fallen.

~ Roll Tide Counter: 3

~ Roll Tide Counter: 4

~ Next is Connor and he asks his mom if she thinks he’s ready to get married. That’s probably a no.

~ Next is Luke and he likes to workout until his muscles have muscles. He also likes to shower, read the Bible, and hang out with his niece.

~ Roll Tide Counter: 5

~ Roll Tide Counter: 6

~ Hannah has arrived at the mansion. Just like your Italian grandparents’ house, the driveway has been watered and is ready to go.

~ Hannah looks gorgeous right now.

~ Chris Harrison tells her to try “a few different flavours” when talking about her “type”.

~ “I don’t think I have a type, but Southern is comfortable.” – aka bring on the Southern boys.

~ The first limo pulls up.

~ First out of the limo is Garrett the Golf Pro, Alabama boy.

~ So much for trying different flavours. He wants to be her hole in one. His words, not mine.

~ They totally sent Garrett out first on purpose.

~ Out next is Mike. He lives by the five C’s – Character, Charm, Charisma, Consistency, and Compassion. Did he steal this schtick from Kurt Angle?

~ Here comes Jed, who is a singer/songwriter from Nashville. He is wearing dress shoes without socks, which means he’s been disqualified.

~ Will Jed finally give musicians a good name?

~ Out comes Tyler The Contractor. “That smile’s worth every mile.”

~ Out next is Dylan, who is dressed like a waiter at a banquet hall.

~ These guys are so not unique, like they all are coming out of the limo being like, “you gorgeous girl”, we know – change it up.

~ Connor jumps the front fence as he makes his entrance, so that’s how you know he’s original.

~ OH MY, we got a fence jump on night one! YESS

~ Connor is seriously cute (Sorry Paul, you should really be used to this by now…)

~ Oh, I’m used to it. You do you, though, since I made last season’s viewing notes to be all about Demi.

~ Here comes Devin who says, “I’m so like excited to go on this you know journey with you really.” That hurt my head.

~ Oh no, Devin with the “I’m a virgin, just kidding” – don’t do that dude.

~ Hannah has met seven guys and has asked three of them, “What’s your name again?”

~ Out next is John Paul Jones, who looks like he snuck away from his high school band practice to come on the show. The one time they get a Paul on this show….

~ John Paul Jones needs to go home.

~ Brian the math teacher is out next. It’s unclear if he’s taught John Paul Jones before.

~ Brian’s voice keeps cracking & it’s kinda adorable in a nervous way, but its not. Get it together.

~ Here comes Scott, who tells her he’s there to “look for a life partner”. Look? She’s your only option.

~ “What’s your name again” counter: 4

~ Matteo is nervous and doesn’t know what to say.

~ Daron is excited to be here.

~ Tyler G. says she’s been in his dreams a lot. I feel like you can make a horror film with that premise.

~ Tyler G. with the, “You’ve been in my dreams so you’re my dream girl”.

~ Thomas is an international basketball player.

~ Matthew is a car bid spotter.

~ In comes a big box that says, “Fragile” on it. Must be Italian. And it is!

~ Holy shit, Joe popping out of the box.

~ “You check all of my boxes.”

~ Lord, give me strength.

~ “What’s your name again?” counter: 5

~ “Joe. The Box King.”

~ I’m just gonna call him Joe Boxer and maybe his time on this show will be brief. GET IT? Sorry.

~ Here comes Joey with a baby carrier, but there’s a bottle of wine in it.

~ Out next is Connor who talks to her in French. She says “Bon-Jer” just like every person who can’t speak French but thinks they know how to say, “Bonjour”.

~ Roll Tide Counter: 7

~ Roll Tide Counter: 8

~ Ryan is a roller boy and of course comes in on roller skates. He’s about as agile as a duck on a skateboard.

~ Ryan, dude if you’re going to roller blade in for your first impression, practice first.

~ Hunter is a pro surfer and asks her to tie his tie.

~ Grant is unemployed and talks to her with a hotdog in his mouth and a bottle of mustard in his hands. Just self-evict. You got no chance.

~ Roll Tide Counter: 9

~ Jonathan goes down on one knee and says, “Will you have a pizza my heart?”

~ Kevin comes out of the limo and fumbles about 9 footballs.

~ Luke P. gets on top of the limo and growls at her. He says that while she’s a beast, he’s the king of the jungle, and he’s hoping she can become his queen. No chance.

~ I’m sorry what, Luke P. jumping out of that limo like he’s the beast from Beauty & The Beast.

~ Go home Luke S., you look like a wannabe Nick Viall.

~ Dustin is a Russell Wilson impersonator.

~ Cam gets out of the limo and starts rapping. He’s definitely been rehearsing that in his hotel room for the last two days.

~ Hannah is way too excited listening to Cam rap right now.

~ Cam already has a rose because he met Hannah at the After The Final Rose show two months ago.

~ SOMEONE TURN OFF THE MIC.

~ “ABC – Always Be Cam”

~ “I was spitting some bars like Willy Wonka” – stop Cam, just stop.

~ Matt Donald rides in on a tractor and starts singing a remixed version of Old MacDonald.

~ That is one slow moving tractor.

~ Why didn’t he have “She thinks my tractor’s sexy” playing while he rolled up?

~ Has anyone been counting how many times, “Roll Tide” has been said? I lost count.

~ I got your back, Cass! We’re at 9. I think.

~ Chasen is also a pilot and he gives her a paper airplane and says their relationship is about to take off.

~ Chasen has a great smile, but like who says, “Women like a man in uniform, I try to work that” on national TV.

~ Him and Peter better be on a two-on-one date where they just talk about aviation the whole time and Hannah chimes in with, “I’m wearing aviators”.

LET ME PLAN THE DATES.

~ Oh, and here comes Peter Pilot in his uniform.

~ The two pilots might be the most down to earth people there, which is ironic.

~ The pilots are threatened by each other.

~ Wow, we flew through those 30 entrances…

~ I feel like the key to the first meeting out of the limo is to just be genuine and unscripted. If everyone is over the top, then no one is. Think about that.

~ Hannah is in the backyard praying that God gives her words that make her sound smart.

~ So cute, Hannah is praying pre-cocktail party. I mean, I would too, if I were her.

~ Into the mansion she goes and not only are the guys slow to stand up, but they don’t even clap! Have they not watched the show? Have they no manners?

~ “I don’t want perfect, I want real.” – PREACH IT SISTER

~ BRING ON THE COCKTAIL PARTY.

~ Hannah says she can see her husband in this room. They say that every season.

~ Luke immediately takes her outside and the other guys aren’t happy because they were too slow.

~ Luke already has strong feelings. He’ll be telling her he loves her on Episode 4 and she’ll send him home because she’s “not there” yet.

~ Connor J. takes her out front and throws her a bachelorette party, with a bunch of games. No one else attends.

~ Cam is already kissing her.

~ Chris Harrison awakes from his nap to deliver the first impression rose to the living room.

~ Everyone’s face when Chris brings out the first impression rose – they literally all just froze in their place.

~ In the driveway is…Demi and Katie rolling up in a white stalker van.

~ THIS EPISODE IS SAVED. BRING ‘EM OUT.

~ Back from commercial & Jed is serenading us with his guitar. Or should I say, attempting to serenade.

~ Roll Tide Counter: 10

~ In the white van, Demi and Katie are spying on every conversation in the house. They’ll definitely find something problematic. The producers wouldn’t waste money on this.

~ Demi’s sweater is ripped, girl come on.

~ Easy with the slander, Cass, maybe it’s a fashion statement!

~ Demi says “someone” “reached out to her” “on social media” saying one of the guys here has a girlfriend. That sounds like a fake story but I’ll allow it.

~ Joe Boxer is now ranting about being able to make any size box. Demi isn’t impressed.

~ So when Peter Pilot gets the helicopter date, will Chasen be jealous?

~ Hannah is talking to Scott now and Demi identifies him as the guy with the girlfriend.

~ Scott loves interior design and starts showing her pictures, so they can pick out fixtures that will make their house a home.

~ Chris Harrison comes in all serious looking for Hannah, & brings her to the stalker van.

~ As if the show didn’t know that Scott had a girlfriend before he met Hannah. Of course they did.

~ Chris brings her outside and Demi breaks the news about Scott.

~ Hannah goes back in and the BEAST is about to come out and play.

~ Hannah came in hot there & all the guys look scared. I would be too.

It’s like when you hear your teacher yell for the first time. Everyone shuts up and tries not to move, but then they leave the room and everyone looks around like, “Oh my goodness, what just happened?”

~ “I don’t have a girlfriend” says Scott, in the most guilty tone ever.

~ Scott going on about “how they clicked & how they’ll be together long-term” but Demi is here being like, “homeboy has a girlfriend.”

~ “Here for the right reasons”. Drink!

~ She didn’t even beat around the bush, she was like, “You have a girlfriend.”

~ Scott says he was dating a girl up until Monday…which means he went through the whole casting process with a girlfriend.

~ Scott’s over here being like “nope, nope”. Stop lying.

~ YOU TELL HIM HANNAH, YOU TELL HIM GIRL!!!

~ She’s sending Scott home. Demi celebrates in the van. I’m surprised she hasn’t honked the horn yet.

I feel like they cast Scott just to use him as a patsy they could feed to the beast, so Hannah could legitimize herself as the bachelorette early on.

~ Hannah goes back and tells the guys that Scott has a girlfriend back home.

~ All the guys are like, “How dare he lead you on and breathe the same air as us single people!”

~ How could Chris Harrison allow him in the mansion? The sacred mansion!

~ Yes Luke, the mood is killed.

~ Hannah goes to cry in the backyard and stands about 25 feet away from the door, with a camera crew set up to catch whoever walks out the door next.

~ This is literally a set-up so someone can go console her and the guys don’t see it…yet.

~ I like how they’re all like, “yes let’s give her time & then Luke’s like, “let me be your hero”. 

~ Luke looks like Bryce Harper with less hair.

~ “I’m here to win your heart”….but what if you’re not meant to spend your lives together?

~ “I’m here for you” and “This journey” are in the Bachelor(ette) handbook under, “Words you should say if you want the editors to use clips of your conversation on TV”.

~ Hannah walks in to get the first impression rose and brings it to Luke because he’s the only one who cared about her well-being earlier.

~ Not even surprised that Luke got the first impression rose.

~ That was way too steamy of a kiss for TV.

~ Luke is already saying to the camera that he can see himself falling in love with her. A producer probably asked him that question and he just repeated it as a statement.

~ Chris Harrison comes in with a knife and wine glass to break up the party. It’s an odd weapon/shield combo, but it works for him.

~ It’s time for the first Rose Ceremony of the season.

~ Cam and Luke already have roses.

~ Mike gets the first rose.

~ Connor S. gets the next rose. He went with no tie tonight, which means he forgot to pack one, or he didn’t have enough time to watch a YouTube tutorial before getting dressed.

~ Matthew gets the next rose.

~ Connor J. spoke French and threw her a bachelorette party tonight. He gets a rose.

~ Jed, Dustin, and Joey (who’s Joey?) get roses.

~ Devin – the guy who put 19 words into a 12-word sentence – gets a rose.

~ Peter Pilot flies in for a rose.

~ Banquet Hall Waiter, Dylan, gets a rose.

~ Matteo and Jonathan get roses.

~ Tyler The Contractor gets a rose. He’ll dance later.

~ Tyler G. and Daron get roses.

~ Nick Viall impersonator, Luke S., gets a rose.

~ Garrett gets a rose.

~ Oh look, John Paul Jones’ occupation is listed as John Paul Jones.

~ Grant and Kevin get roses.

~ The final rose of the night goes to JOHN PAUL JONES. Oh man.

~ How could she keep John Paul Jones over some of the guys she sent home, come on girl.

~ Chasen didn’t get a rose? So much for that two-on-one with Peter Pilot.

~ I didn’t even get to use a Chasen Your Seatbelts pun.

~ Joe Boxer is gone too? Hannah is shutting down my jokes before I even get started.

~ But thank goodness she sent Joe packing (see what I did, you can laugh)

That was such a Paul joke.

~ Back to John Paul Jones for a second – if he puts on a hat at any point during this season, I’m calling him Jughead Jones.

~ YAY, sneak peek time!

~ HOLY COW, she drops “LOVE”.

~ Who is in the ambulance?

~ There is so much testosterone.

~ So, we have to wait for the fantasy suite to see who she’s talking about, ugh. Tell me now!

~ In the previews Hannah says, “Holy ham, I’m in Amsterdam!” I’m disappointed I didn’t have the chance to come up with that first.

~ Chris at the end complaining about Joe & the box. Priceless.

The final Roll Tide count was 10 (unconfirmed). If you picked under 11.5, you win my heart. Not really, I was just trying to keep with the theme.

Thank you Paul for giving me the honour of appearing again on the best Bachelorette recap. I am honestly so honoured to be back! This season is going to be a hell of a ride, so buckle up.

Normally, I give my Top 5 at the end of the first episode, but I don’t really have any. Most of them felt very rehearsed and gimmicky. The pilots seemed cool, though.

You can find who Cass’ Top 5 are by clicking HERE.

Thanks for reading! We’ll see you next week for a considerably shorter recap post.

Share your thoughts in the comments below. 

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments