Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Arie) Ep. 10

Guess who’s back, back again, Paul is back, for episode ten.

~ They are in Ica, Peru this week which I bet is a “great place to fall in love.” I’ll wait for confirmation.

~ “I could definitely see myself falling in love in Peru.” – Arie

~ And there it is.

~ Arie’s first date is with Kendall.

~ “I’m definitely falling for him.”

~ Drink!

~ Arie wore a grey t-shirt to the desert. The sweat stains are coming. The sweat stains are coming!

~ “Dune Buggying is like a relationship.” -Arie

~ Oh yeah, they’re riding a dune buggy and it stops before going over a ledge. This gives them the giggles because they “almost died.”

~ Arie thinks being married to Kendall would be exciting because she’s so interesting.

~ The giggles on this date are continuing. I haven’t found a second of this funny yet.

~ Kendall wants Arie to see passed her quirkiness.

~ She’s frustrated that the other women are ready for a proposal and she’s not.

~ Ah, nothing like proposal peer pressure.

~ “I haven’t dated anyone like you. I’m always curious about you.” – Arie

~ The curiosity probably comes from the fact that they never talk about anything, but who am I to know?

~ Arie is okay with the taxidermy thing now. Oh?

~ Kendall tells him she’s falling in love with him and they kiss.

~ Interesting, because when Lauren A. told him that, he excused himself from dinner to go stand somewhere else. But it’s not because he was scared. No, no, no. He said everything was fine!

~ Arie has handed her the fantasy suite card, which is written by Christopher Harrison.

~ I will never understand why Chris H. has to be the one to invite them to use the fantasy suite for the night.

~ Harrison Manor rules do not apply in Peru, Chris. You have no legislation there. Stop third wheeling and go roll up your sleeves.

~ Kendall accepts the invitation to the fantasy suite.

~ For those of you who don’t know what’s about to happen, I’ll tell you. Arie is going to spend the night with three different women, three nights in a row.

~ So yeah, put the kids to sleep now.

~ It’s the next morning and they are still kissing. Their lips have disintegrated to nothing, like Voldemort’s.

~ Awwwwww they are cooking eggs for breakfast. Totes adorbs.

~ …………….

~ This show is such a cliché.

~ Still no sweat stains on Arie’s grey shirt. There is some sorcery going on, for sure.

~ Lauren A. is up next.

~ “Welcome to Peru.”

~ I thought we were over this!

~ They hop in a plane and fly over the Nazca Lines.

~ Designs are drawn into the ground and visible from the sky. They see a monkey.

~ Arie is acting like a 4-year-old who is playing with sand for the first time.

~ Lauren doesn’t seem to care. Again, she’s gone quiet!

~ Back on land, they talk about a whole lot of nothing.

~ They constantly talk about their feelings for each other, but I don’t know where those feelings came from.

~ Lauren tells him she feels like walking away from this sometimes.

~ “Hopefully tonight I can see more of her.” – Ehh probably not the wording you want to use on the fantasy suite episode…

~ Arie tells the camera that he loves Lauren. However, he can’t tell her that because that breaks an unwritten rule of this show.

~ The bachelor must lead on as many women, for as long as possible, without divulging their true feelings until 4.52 seconds before they propose.

~ That way, it’s a shock to everyone!

~ Holy cannoli, he just told Lauren that he loves her!

~ The rules hath been broken!

~ Hey Lauren, ask him why the other two women are still there if he loves you. Ask him!

~ Arie whips out the fantasy suite card, again written by Chris Harrison, to distract her.

~ Does Chris H. dress up as cupid on Valentine’s Day, or Halloween? Or both?

~ As they kiss in the fantasy suite, we have a 90s song playing.

~ “How do I…oh how do I live without you…I want to know…how do I breathe without you…if you ever go?”

~ That song.

~ It’s the next morning and again, the cameras are right on them the moment they wake up.

~ Will they go make breakfast? Will it be french toast, or a fruit platter?

~ I must be missing something. They’re both in love with each other, but their dates have been so awkward up until now.

~ This episode isn’t giving me any material to be funny. I’m sorry. I’ll be better. Here, I’ll make up a joke.

~ So a bachelor and three women walk into a restaurant. The waiter asks, “One bill, or separate?” The bachelor replies, “One bill, but we’re not together.”

~ That’s my joke. It’s a real thinker.

~ You see, Arie will pay for everyone so he asks for one bill. But the four of them aren’t together.

~ Did anyone laugh at that? I’m a riot at parties, I swear.

~ Note: I don’t go to parties.

~ I amaze myself at how quickly I come up with utter nonsense.

~ Time for Becca and Arie to go on a date. They are boarding a catamaran because they can never stay in one place on this show.

~ They do the Titanic pose on the boat.

~ This is the 49th time they’ve been on a boat this season.

~ Becca says she never thought she’d be on a catamaran with her boyfriend.

~ I think she means, “Our boyfriend” but Lauren and Kendall aren’t there so I’ll let it slide.

~ If you think about it, they could change the name of this show to Communal Boyfriend. Imagine seeing that in your TV Guide for the first time.

~ They have no doubts in their relationship. Well that’s grand. I’m sure that’ll change eventually.

~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and they are sitting inside something that looks like a tent, but there are plants in the tent.

~ Arie and Becca have no questions for each other.

~ You know in school how the teacher would go around asking if anyone needed help and no one ever did, so it was just a laid back work period, but then when test day arrived, everyone was lost? That’s the vibe I get from Arie and Becca.

~ I have a really roundabout way of saying things, but it’s worth it because I’m always bang on.

~ Becca told him she loves him.

~ Arie admits he loves her too.

~ He kisses her quickly, so she can’t ask if he said the same thing to Lauren yesterday.

~ Out comes the fantasy suite card.

~ “Arie and Becca, I hope you enjoyed your time sailing amongst Islas Ballestas. If you choose to forego your individual rooms tonight, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. – CH”

~ There has to be a better way of presenting this opportunity to them than having the host of the show give them a key in an envelope.

~ How about when they check into the hotel, the person behind the counter gives them each a key to the same room without telling them, and then gives them different directions on how to get to their “own” room. That way, they’ll arrive to the room and be like, “Oh hey, fancy seeing you here. Is this your room? But this is my room…. Ohhh that sneaky matchmaker down at reception!”

~ Bam.

~ She accepts the invitation and their fantasy sweet is basically a bigger tent, but with a door. There is no hotel.

~ My suggestion doesn’t work in the desert, I suppose.

~ Are they glamping?

~ Am I glamp-shaming them?

~ Is glamp-shaming a thing? Quick, let’s put together an 18-person focus group!

~ They are sharing the bed with a platter of strawberries, which are being neglected.

~ Arie says there’s a part of him that wants to end this now and propose in the sand dunes.

~ Oh look, another morning chat in bed.

~ They need to get more creative.

~ They are having breakfast on a blanket on the sand. It’s a fruit platter (called it!) and a bottle of wine?

~ 80% of this date has been spent kissing.

~ Becca says she sees her life partner in Arie. If that’s the case, congrats.

~ What’s this? An intruder?

~ It’s Becca’s old boyfriend!

~ Looks like the “doubt” in their relationship has arrived.

~ He doesn’t know anything about this show and didn’t know it ended in a proposal until someone told him. So, naturally, he got on a plane to go to Peru.

~ “I don’t want to be on this show.” – Intruder Peruder

~ Cool, just wear this microphone for us, as we show you where Arie and Becca are staying. Oh, and don’t look at the camera. We’re trying to give the whole, “This is real life and they don’t even know they’re being filmed” vibe.

~ Ohhh the shenanigans.

~ His name is Ross and he’s knocking on Arie’s door. Arie answers, looking stunned.

~ “I’m Becca’s ex”….and they cut to commercial so you can all tweet about it!

~ Arie thought it was hotel management. So there is a hotel!

~ Ross found out a week ago that Becca is on the show. How did he know she was still on it though?

~ The producers, obviously.

~ Ross wants to propose to her ahahahaha you’re too late! Arie already went glamping with her. That’s it! It’s over. You missed your chance.

~ “She’s the one for me.” – Ross

~ They broke up a year ago, and it took him this long to realize he wanted to propose to Becca. What a coink-e-dink.

~ Can we have an impromptu cage match? Chris H. can be the referee. I can do commentary.

~ Why isn’t Arie asking the producers why they allowed this guy on the show?

~ Becca is in room 55, how did Ross know that? The security measures at this hotel are poor.

~ “What’s his right to come here during this experience?” – Arie

~ That’s not the question I told you to ask, Arie!

~ Becca opens the door.

~ “Ross, no. Like, no.”

~ Well, it’s settled. Let’s start the Rose Ceremony!

~ Ross was probably waiting all week for the producers to bring him to the hotel. They definitely waited for the day after Becca’s one-on-one to do this. Clever.

~ Becca wants none of this.

~ “I feel like you live your life in a movie and, like, you think it’s going to work out like The Notebook.”


~ Oh man.

~ Becca just found out that Ross talked to Arie.

~ She asked him why he talked to Arie hahahahaha.

~ Is she so clueless as to how this show works? Of course the producers are going to make sure he talks to Arie. Come on!

~ Becca doesn’t understand why he’s there.

~ “I have no business being here.” – Ross

~ That’s the end of it.

~ As soon as it looked like Becca had a clear path to a proposal, they needed to plant a seed of doubt. So they flew that seed of doubt to Peru.

~ A random person just doesn’t track down the crew for The Bachelor while they’re in Peru, especially not when everyone just so happens to be in their hotel room instead of out on a boat.

~ Becca and Arie meet up to talk about nothing.

~ Arie is afraid that there is still some love between Becca and Ross even though Becca made it clear that she wants nothing to do with Ross.

~ Arie, you’re being dramatic.

~ Arie is now sitting down with Guidance Counsellor, Mr. Harrison.

~ “How’s your week been?” – Chris

~ This is ridiculous.

~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. They appear to be in a courtyard and there is a horse nearby.

~ Instead of a teary car ride, will the person he sends home have to ride off on the horse? I’m praying that’s the case.


~ He grabbed the first rose, paused, and then pulled Kendall aside. Again.

~ Just give them their phones so they can text and avoid these disruptions.

~ He’s telling her, “I don’t think we can get there.”

~ Ahhh the forever ominous “there” that they have to get to.

~ Fortunately, there’s a horse! All aboard! Or whatever people say when they mount a horse…

~ Nope. She’s going home! Like Russia in 1972.

~ He sends her home in the back of a car. She might be the first person to ever wear a seatbelt on this show. Finally.

~ Plot twist: the horse is driving!

~ Nay, I’m just horsing around.

~ I’m losing my mind.

~ Lauren gets a rose.

~ Becca gets a rose.

~ He tells them they are meeting his family next week.

~ Friendly reminder that Krystal met his parents in the second episode.

Next week is the three hour finale. Thanks for getting through this with me.

Twitter: @CappyTalks

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Arie) Ep. 9 – Women Tell All

This is uncharted territory for me. I’ve never done viewing notes for the “Women Tell All” reunion show. For starters, I don’t think they actually “tell all”. It’s more about who can roll their eyes the most without the others noticing.

~ For the uninitiated, the show is taking place in front of a live studio audience which is 97% women and 3% men who can’t wait to go out for dinner afterwards. The women who were sent home are back to argue with each other and Arie will show up later to look awkward.

~ Chris Harrison and his new haircut walk out to a standing ovation.

~ His suit jacket looks a bit short in the sleeves.

~ There are way too many audience shots already. Everyone has a judgmental look on their face. This will be fun.

~ “What will happen when the women see Arie for the first time since he sent them home?”

~ They’ll smile and say hi, Chris. You know this.

~ Oh, what’s this? A highlight package from previous “Tell All” episodes? Are they concerned we’re already flipping channels?

~ “And later, we have BLOOPERS!”

~ Alright, simmer down, Oprah.

~ *Cut to a shot of an audience member screaming as if they just walked in on a surprise party*

~ I’m remembering why I never watch this episode.

~ Back from commercial, Chris is sitting in a chair which is surrounded by a circle of candles. 8PM television at its finest?

~ Olivia, Jessica, Jenny, Lauren G., Lauren S., Annaliese, Brittany T, Marikh, Jenna, Ashley, Krystal, Jacqueline, Caroline, Bibiana, Chelsea, Bekah, Seinne, and Tia are there.

~ That was a lot. I’m out of breath.

~ The great thing about this show is they show 3-minute long video recaps that I can skip.

~ We’re talking about glam-shaming now.

~ Marikh feels like it was a judgment of how she looks.

~ Brittany steps in and says she’s blowing things out of proportion.

~ To be clear, there are 18 women arguing about whether or not “glam-shaming” is a thing.

~ Bekah Earring Update – They are black circles with a hole in them, so if Arie tries to kiss her he has somewhere to put his fingers. There are also feathers hanging from the earrings.

~ The addition of feathers gives a “6-year-old kid in arts and crafts making a gift to give to their mother for Mother’s Day” vibe to them. Tell me I’m wrong.

~ “I can’t control that I was born in 1995.” – Bekah

~ What she really means is, “I can’t control that this show cast an older bachelor and provided him with a group of women who are a few years removed from college.”

~ Boom #RealTalk

~ Bibiana and Krystal start arguing and someone else jumps in and Christopher H., who is sitting at the other side of the stage, breaks it up and sends it to commercial.

~ I think it’s low of this show to keep mentioning Krystal’s name and immediately cutting to members of the audience shaking their heads at her.

~ Way to guide your TV audience on how they should feel.

~ Chris has invited Krystal down to centre stage.

~ Another recap package!

~ Listen, I have The Walking Dead to get to. I’m going to skip through this whenever I can.

~ Chris asks him why Krystal didn’t divulge information about her date with Arie to the girls.

~ She says she did that because she didn’t want to know about their relationships, and wanted to focus on hers.

~ That’s a good answer.

~ How long before the other women attack her with a stern tone?

~ Oh, here comes Sienne and Lauren S.

~ “You were so in-aw-THen-tick.”

~ Caroline has come out swinging tonight. I barely remember her from the show.

~ She’s done it now, she just said Krystal was a sociopath in her interviews on the show.

~ Six women are now talking about how they mocked each other? I can’t hear.

~ Yay, another break!

~ Krystal retorts to Caroline by saying she always talked behind her back and never to her face.

~ Caroline says Krystal also talked to people behind their backs. Ugh.

~ Remember how on every date on this show, they never actually talk about anything new? The just talk about their previous date? We are going through the same sort of syndrome here.

~ Two women talking to each other, who keep talking about talking behind the other’s back.

~ “I didn’t like you. I had a moment of weakness and I mocked you.” – Caroline

~ Bibiana says Krystal has anger issues she needs to confront.

~ Bekah is laughing while biting her fingers.

~ Was Krystal nice to the girls? Not really. Were the other girls nice to her? Not really. They’re all at fault! You all said mean things!

~ One person just used the word “condescension” because in order to win an argument you need to use big words that make you sound smart.

~ Okay, there are people in the audience wearing masks over their eyes to play up the whole “Arie is a kissing bandit” theme.

~ It feels like Halloween in February.

~ These girls are still mad that Krystal interrupted their alone time with Arie when she already had a rose.

~ Can we all just move on? Your extra three minutes talking to Arie wouldn’t have made a difference.

~ Olivia just asked Krystal why her voice was different on the show.

~ Who is Olivia? She’s 23? Why wasn’t her age an issue?

~ Krystal says she lost her voice for 6 weeks which is why she sounded like that.

~ Krystal tells a touching story about her little brother who saw her on the show and didn’t realize how much she cared about him. He had been homeless for two years and is now transitioning into housing with their parents.

~ Everyone smiles and claps because they realize how petty they’ve been for the last 10 minutes arguing about ridiculous things THAT DO NOT MATTER.

~ Seinne gets called up to Chris’ Circle of Candles. C3, for short.

~ Wooo another video package!

~ Seinne is at peace that she’s not with Arie.

~ They just showed two men in the audience sitting next to each other. They definitely found each other on the way in and formed an alliance. I bet they didn’t even speak. A nod would’ve been all they needed.

~ They’re probably sharing snacks, too.

~ “I’m dating, but I’m single.” – Seinne

~ Is she planting seeds to become the bachelorette?

~ Chris calls Bekah to the stand.

~ Yes, I just turned this into a courtroom.

~ Throw Annalise Keating at her.

~ Another video package of her journey!

~ They have to stop calling this a “journey”, I’m sorry.

~ If the path to marriage involves dating someone that is also dating 28 other people, and you can’t text or phone them, while only going on one date a week (which may or may not be a group date)…and that’s considered a “journey”, then I need a new dictionary.

~ If this weren’t televised, it wouldn’t be called a “journey”.

~ It would be called “One guy’s strange method to finding a wife”.

~ Bekah feels judged about her age.

~ She says there are other girls there that are 23, 24, and 25, yet no one is making jokes about their age.

~ Bekah must read my blog, I’ve been saying this forever!

~ Well, a lot of it has to do with editing. The people behind this show didn’t have to include so many “Bekah is so young” video clips, but they did.

~ As in wrestling, everyone on The Bachelor needs a gimmick. Being young was hers. You can’t have two people with the same gimmick, or else they’d be a tag team. And Arie can’t propose to two people, so…

~ Every time they show Tia, she’s had a stone cold look on her face.

~ We are 70 minutes into this episode and Arie hasn’t made an appearance yet.

~ Chris is now talking about how there was an article in a California newspaper that listed Bekah as a missing person since November 12, 2017.

~ She said she went up north to a marijuana farm with friends, didn’t have phone service, and her mom didn’t know where she was and reported her missing.

~ Chris pulls out his phone to have her call her mom right now to check in.

~ “Mama Martinez, this is Chris Harrison from The Bachelor, I have your daughter – she’s safe.”

~ I didn’t make that up, he actually said it.

~ Chris tells the mom that Bekah will be on Bachelor in Paradise this summer. I’m considering doing viewing notes for that, even though I’ve never watched it. We’ll see.

~ “She was a small town girl. Living in a lonely world. Tia is here. Did she take a midnight train going anywhere?” – Chris

~ No, no, no. He did it wrong. He was supposed to change “anywhere” to “Airy-where” since Tia’s Dad called him Airy.


~ I had that pun ready to go the moment he said “small town girl”. I don’t know why my mind is so quick.

~ Tia comes down now to join Chris.

~ She got a three-minute video package.

~ Tia is bothered that Arie didn’t give an explanation as to why she went home.

~ “Are you ready to love again?” – Chris

~ He’s serving her up on a platter of pigs in blankets to be the bachelorette. I see right through this.

~ “I’m open to the chance to fall in love again, for sure.” – Tia

~ Do people talk like this in real life?

~ With 31 minutes left in the show, Arie arrives.

~ Tia gives a good ‘ol “Oh, it’s you” wave to him from her seat. The disdain is noted.

~ He should’ve brought bubble wrap because someone might throw a candle.

~ Arie says hi to the girls and they SMILE and say HI in return.

~ Scroll up the page, back to the part where Chris Harrison asked how the girls will react when they see him and I said they will SMILE AND SAY HI.

~ I am too good at this. Someone pay me.

~ Jacqueline mentions that Arie doesn’t deserve flack for being scared off by the fact that she’s going to get her Ph.D.

~ Did the producers put her up to saying that, to take some heat off him?

~ I don’t trust anything that happens on my TV, if you haven’t noticed.

~ Arie says Bekah’s age scared him off.

~ Caroline says to Arie, “I know what you did and I don’t know how you could do that.”

~ “I think that’ll play out in the weeks to come.” – Arie

~ “I appreciate you saying it.” – Arie


~ Caroline is alluding to the fact that the ending of this season is going to be “different” and “controversial” and…what’s the golden phrase I’m looking for…?

~ “The most dramatic ending in Bachelor history.”

~ Ahh there it is.

~ I do like Caroline’s delivery of that morbid line: “I know what you did.” I just wish she said, “I know what you did last summer.”

~ Chris throws to break because whenever this show gets interesting, they need to send it to commercial so the viewers can tweet about it.

~ This show knows how to control its audience, if you haven’t noticed.

~ Krystal invites herself over to the couch to talk to Arie.

~ She sits down and says hi. He says, “Hey, how are you?”

~ And then she said “Good, you?” And he said, “Good, you? And she said, “Good, you?

~ Sorry, I was just living out an introverts worst conversation nightmare.

~ Krystal says their goodbye felt cold. Arie says it was an appropriate goodbye. 

~ Oh no he di’int.

~ Arie says it sucked to see how she actually was, in comparison to how she was with him.

~ He’s trying to win over the fans tonight, so when he looks bad in two weeks, he doesn’t look “as” bad.

~ This crowd is hooting and hollering when Arie says he maybe dragged on their relationship longer than he should have.

~ This is very State of The Union Addressy.

~ They speak three sentences at a time and wait for an applause from the crowd. I can’t stand that.

~ Arie’s time in the “hot seat” is over. He spent 14 minutes in it, but 3 of those minutes were a commercial.

~ He was there for 11 minutes.

~ In that time, Jacqueline told him it was okay that he dumped her.

~ He told Tia that his emotions were further along with Kendall.

~ And he held a Comedy Central roast at Krystal’s expense.

~ It’s time for some bloopers.

~ The last blooper is of the wrestling date where Arie got in the ring with the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King.

~ Chris “Sleeves” Harrison got in the ring and hit Kenny King with a folding chair.

~ Like I said last week, this show always comes back to wrestling.

~ Back in the studio, John Cena has appeared outta nowhere!

~ But that’s Randy Orton’s schtick…

~ Oh, Cena is there with two other actors to promote a movie.

~ Chris just suggested that Cena could be the next bachelor.

~ No, Chris. He got engaged to Nikki Bella at WrestleMania last year. Pay attention!

~ We’re back to wrap up.

~ “The conclusion to Arie’s journey (drink) is unlike anything that has happened before on this show. More dramatic (drink), more real (hahaha), more different from anything you expected.” – Chris

~ “This truly is the most dramatic ending in Bachelor history.” – Chris


~ “You don’t want to be the only person in America that doesn’t see how this goes.”

~ No love for the Canadian viewers? After all I do for this show?

~ Are you aware, Christopher P. Harrison, of how many people are now interested in this show because of my viewing notes? ARIE YOU?

~ See what I did there? Always gotta end with a pun.

~ It’s over. I’m free.

Oh wait, the outtakes at the end show Arie eating on the dates and saying “Mmm” every time he puts something in his mouth.

See you all back here tomorrow.

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Remembering The Olympics

I love the Olympics. You may not and that’s okay. But I do. There’s just something about them that draws me in. It’s more than my love for sport and competition. It’s an indescribable feeling.

It’s the chill going through me right now after writing that introduction.

So, I ask that you bear with me as I bring that indescribable feeling to life.

Let’s go back to the year 2000. The Summer Olympics were held in Sydney, Australia. An overhead shot of the Sydney Opera House has been engrained in my memory ever since. It will never leave.

These were the first Olympics I was really invested in. I was 9-years-old and addicted to sports. I couldn’t be stopped.

I remember watching the triathlon on TV. There was a Canadian named Simon Whitfield competing. In the bike portion of the race, he was involved in a crash with a bunch of other racers. By the time he got to the third stage of the triathlon – the run – he was way back.

And then he wasn’t…

If I had to pick a moment when I first started cheering for the underdog, this was it. One by one, he passed the runners in front of him. All of a sudden he was in second (SECOND!) and blew by the runner in front of him. He was now in the lead and on the cusp of a gold medal.

What in the world am I watching?

I had never seen anything like it. His perseverance in that race has always stayed with me. I think that’s the root of the reason why I always get frustrated when I see athletes, or teams, give up before the end of their event/game.

To many, it may be a foregone conclusion that they will lose. But to me, you never know when a historical comeback might happen. Just give yourself a chance. Whitfield gave himself a chance.

Eight years later, Whitfield was running the triathlon again at the Olympics.

He was in fourth place with one kilometre (1000 metres) to go. I still remember sitting in front of the TV thinking, “He’s going to do it again. Oh my God, he’s going to do it again!”

And he almost did do it again. With 200 metres to go, Whitfield was in first place. But he had nothing left to give and was passed, leaving him with a silver medal.

Again, I was amazed.

Here’s a story on the opposite side of the spectrum.

At the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens, Canadian 100 metre hurdler, Perdita Felicien, made it to the finals. As one of the favourites, she occupied one of the middle lanes.

The race was only a couple of seconds old, when Felicien’s race ended. She ran into the first hurdle, bumped the runner in the next lane, and was out. I was crushed (as if my feelings mattered in that moment), so I can only imagine how devastated she must’ve been.

In 2008, she missed the Olympics due to an injury.

Fast forward to 2012. Alright, this is her year. Everyone likes a redemption story. This is it!

At the Canadian Olympic track & field trials, she false started and was disqualified. Done. No redemption at the Olympics. She didn’t make the team. That was it.

When an Olympic athlete wins, the entire country wins. When they lose, we feel their pain.

Heck, I still feel bad that Felicien hit that first hurdle in 2004 and never got back to the Olympics to redeem herself. Just not meant to be, I guess.

In 2002, the Canadian men’s hockey team won gold in Salt Lake City. Admittedly, I didn’t know where Salt Lake City was. It wasn’t until a few years later that I actually put it all together that the Olympics were held in Utah. Utah! That’s the United States of America! Who knew? Not me.

I was in Grade 5 at the time and my classroom was in a portable outside. Canada had a round robin game during the afternoon and all of a sudden, that was all that mattered.

We got a TV, hooked up some pipe cleaners to it, and voila, we had a cable connection. I still don’t know how we did it, but the hockey game was on at school and we were watching it instead of doing work. I didn’t ask questions.

Everyone arranged their chairs around the TV and watched the game. If that isn’t Canadian, I don’t know what is.

Eight years later, in 2010, I’d be in university, once again watching the Olympics at school and arranging my chair to get the best view.

In the cafeteria, the school set up a huge screen which showed the Olympics all day, for 17 days. The Olympics were held in Vancouver, you bet we were excited.

For two and a half weeks, we all sat on one side of the table, to ensure we didn’t have to turn around to see the screen.

One by one, people would trickle out until it was just me and a friend still sitting there watching the Olympics. Our food would be finished in 10 minutes, but two hours later, we were still there watching figure skating and talking about glitter.

No stone was left unturned when it came to discussion topics.

Those moments – from 2002 and 2010 – stand out to me because of how they brought people together. Even people who didn’t like sports were watching the Olympics. It just felt like we were one team.

And when you’re in a school setting, you don’t always feel that. Everyone has their own friend group and is sitting at their own table, or off doing their own thing.

But the Olympics brought everyone together, even if it was temporary. I liked that feeling.

I guess that brings me to this year. The 2018 Winter Games in PyeongChang, South Korea.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to these Games. I had done the math and figured out that most of the events would take place while I was sleeping.

I’d have to record everything and watch it the next day. That didn’t excite me.

Sports are meant to be seen live! That’s why they’re fun. When you know how it ends, there is no nervousness at the start of a race. There is no anticipation for the judges score. There is no optimistic voice in the back of your head saying, “We have 10 minutes to score one goal, we can do it!”

So I was fully expecting not to care as much as I normally do. I was expecting to feel empty.

I was wrong.

Let me start with Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir – Canada’s favourite couple, who aren’t even a couple. I only found that out two weeks ago. Ever since 2010, I thought they were dating, and sometime in the last eight years I guess I had expected they had gotten married.

Nope. Just friends.

But man, their ice dancing performances made me feel things.

Here’s the thing, every four years I get way too worked up over figure skating. Short track speed skating is my favourite event, but figure skating pulls on my love for drama in sports.

Also, I can’t understand how they jump and spin so many times in the air, but never get dizzy. I’m enthralled by the whole thing.

And what is even more mind-boggling to me, is the commentators ability to analyze a spin, seconds after it’s performed. Excusé-moi? I don’t even know what I just saw. Do their eyes see things in slow motion?

Then again, I feel the same way when the snowboarders and skiers are doing their tricks in the air. I’m being told what they did before they even land.

Unless the commentators have a script telling them what the athlete is planning on doing. Hmm…maybe that’s it.

Back to ice dancing, though. Virtue and Moir were not only the flag bearers for Canada, but they won two gold medals and Moir turned himself into the local ambassador for Canadian hockey fans. He played the part well.

I don’t think this country loves them because they were successful, I think we love them because of who they are and how they made us feel. Then again, the gold medals don’t hurt.

To team sports now…

The Canadian men’s and women’s curling teams always dominate at the Olympics. However, neither team is coming home with a medal this year.

It’s a shock, absolutely, but I’m not going to go on Twitter and insult them, like others have. I don’t see the point in that. I watched the games. Both the men and women did everything they could to win. They just didn’t.

Both teams looked crushed. You could see how much this meant to them.

I feel as though we’ve gotten to a point where some Canadians don’t know how to deal with losing because it’s something we haven’t done a lot of when it comes to team sports at the Winter Olympics.

Take the women’s hockey team, for example. They’ve won the gold medal in the last four Olympics. This year they lost to the USA in a shootout.

Yes, the shootout is a terrible way to end an Olympic final. But both teams had to do it! There was a bit too much blaming of the shootout format for my liking. It made us sound like sore losers. Hey, it was an even playing field. We lost. That’s it.

As for the men, NHL players weren’t there. Canada lost to Germany in the semi-finals.

All of a sudden, the commissioner of the NHL – Gary Bettman – is trending in Canada and is being blamed for Canada’s loss to Germany. What? The country has gone mad.

Last time I checked, the game started 0-0. The team Canada put on the ice was capable of winning that game. They didn’t. That sports.

This whole argument of, “If we had NHL players…” is dumb to me. Sports don’t exist in the “If” world because games aren’t played on paper.

There is this tendency for fans to predict an outcome based on the facts they have, rather than waiting for the actual facts to present themselves.

See Simon Whitfield, Triathlon, 2000.

There is nowhere to hide at the Olympics. The world is, literally, watching.

These athletes dedicate years of their lives to being the best they can be, all for a few days at an event that happens every four years. As a viewer, I don’t see everything they go through to get there. I just see the final result.

More importantly, I see how they react to success and failure.

Most of the time, the reaction on their face says it all.

Football players are happy to score a touchdown and baseball players are happy to hit a home run, but their emotion doesn’t make it all the way through the television set.

With Olympians, it feels different. It looks different.

The women on Canada’s hockey team were crying as they stood on the ice waiting for their silver medal. None of them wanted it; they all wanted gold. One player took her medal off after receiving it and was criticized about it, to the point where she had to issue an apology.

Personally, I didn’t have anything wrong with her taking her medal off. It’s not like she threw it away. As viewers, we always see things done in a split second and misconstrue it to mean a million different things.

“She doesn’t respect the Olympics.”

“She’s disrespectful to the South Koreans.”

“She’s a sore loser.”

“She should be grateful she got to represent her country in the first place.”

Geesh. All she did was take a medal off her neck and now she has to issue an apology to satisfy all the people who assumed it meant something horrid? Come on.

It’s a shame all these experts in their living room have to make her feel even worse for not winning gold.

I’ve seen that too much these Olympics. If social media were this prevalent in 2004, would Canadians be tweeting Perdita Felicien words of encouragement after hitting the first hurdle, or would they be mad at her for failing?

Probably a bit of both. That saddens me.

As the 2018 Winter Olympics come to a close, I anticipate the final video montage to encapsulate everything I felt during the last 17 days.

As the music plays and the images move across the screen, I’m sure I’ll feel that indescribable feeling once again – the one that reinforces my pride as a Canadian, while reminding me that the Olympics are more than just a sporting event.

Because at the end of the day, I’ll remember so much more than who finished in first, second, and third.

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Arie) Ep. 8

Two, four, six, (episode) eight, who’s ready for a hometown date?

Three, five, seven, nine, every two minutes you’ll need some wine.

~ We are down to the Final Four sponsored by, This Space For Rent: Tia, Lauren A-, Kendall, and Becca. Arie will meet their families tonight. Get’cha popcorn ready, kids.

~ Arie can’t believe he went from 29 women down to 4, and that 1 of them is going to be his wife.

~ Hold your geese, Arie. They still have to say “I do”.

~ We start with Kendall’s hometown date – I’ll let you know where they are when Arie tells us how beautiful it is there. Don’t worry, he’ll say it. HE. ALWAYS. SAYS. IT.

~ Arie says that Kendall is not your average girl – she’s interesting, quirky, and curious.

~ He just pulled an old school English class trick on us – list things in threes.

~ When he says “Quirky”, it comes out as “Corky”.

~ We are 1/1 in girls running and jumping into Arie’s arms.

~ Tongue twister of the night: Say “Arie’s Arms” 10 times fast.

~ Oh, they are in Los Angeles. The City of Angles. Right?

~ That was a protractor joke. Laugh!

~ Kendall takes him straight to her taxidermy room. Yes, Kendall! Coming through in the clutch.

~ Kendall thinks of it as having stuffed animals. Arie thinks of it as, “Get me the hell out of here.”

~ “She’s corky.”

~ Drink!

~ “She keeps things interesting.”

~ Drink!

~ I’m starting to think Arie has three words to describe each girl and that’s his way of remembering each one.

~ It’s arts and crafts time! They are going to be mounting rats. I guess that means they’re operating on them? Stuffing them?

~ They’ve each dressed up a rat and are now holding them up as if they’re puppets from Mr. Dressup.

~ Arie’s rat asks Kendall’s rat if she will accept a rose.


~ Get them to the fantasy suite already. Where’s Chris Harrison? Have him prepare a shoe box for the ratty couple.

~ I ate too much mashed potatoes at dinner and they’re all coming back up.

~ It’s night time now and Arie tells us “today was incredible”.

~ That’s not what the look on your face said, pal.

~ Time to meet the family!

~ Arie is meeting her mom, dad, younger brother Colton, and twin sister Kylie.

~ A twin sister! Oh, here come the shenanigans.

~ “Thank you for inviting me into your home.” – Arie

~ Did they have a choice?


~ We have our first Dad alert of the evening. He was drinking his wine while staring straight at Arie. Eye contact while drinking from a glass is a red flag.

~ “Kendall’s interesting.” – Mom


~ “It’s a different kind of courtship.” – Dad

~ The Dad hates Arie’s guts and I love it.

~ “Kendall’s not your typical girl.” – Mom

~ The Mom is saying everything Arie has been saying.

~ Kendall and her Mom go off to talk.

~ Kendall tells her that Arie told her today that he’s falling for her. She says this is scary.

~ Arie is talking to the twin sister now and apparently she’s been dissecting his every move since he entered their house.

~ “Every move you make, every breath you take, every litre of water you use when you flush the toilet, I’ll be watching you.” Something like that.

~ Twin Sister claims to have seen some “space” between Arie and Kendall.

~ I don’t know what she’s talking about, Arie is always three feet away from her face.

~ “Our chemistry is amazing.” – Arie

~ Arie is the kinda guy who would make a volcano for his school science project, but it doesn’t do anything when he has to present.

~ Twin Peeks (because she notices everything) is now interrogating her sister.

~ She says she doesn’t feel that there is an undeniable love between Arie and Kendall.

~ Who is she, Harriet the Spy?

~ I dug deep for that reference, I hope it was appreciated.

~ It’s only been two months. But yeah, they’ve never even exchanged a text message and could get engaged in two weeks, so…

~ Arie and the father are now talking.

~ The father is skeptical so Arie tells him that he’s falling for Kendall.

~ That’s the third time in 19 minutes he’s said that.

~ If he’s in the “falling” stage right now, does that mean he’ll be completely on the floor by the time the finale rolls around?

~ Wait, is that why men propose on one knee? Because they’ve completely fallen for a girl? I should make note of this.

~ And then when the guy is down, it’s up to the girl to raise him so they could stand on mountains. Or am I including Josh Groban in this for no reason?

~ Arie says they have potential.

~ Arie, she’s not an 18-year-old college prospect looking to be taken in the first round of the upcoming draft. She’s not Bekah.

~ Father Frown says he wouldn’t give Arie permission to propose to his daughter, though he would support her.

~ Well, there goes her chances. Never mind on that fantasy suite shoe box for the rats, Christopher H. You may go back to rolling up your sleeves and counting roses.

~ Kendall tells Twin Peeks that she’s not ready to be engaged but it could happen at the end of this.

~ My mind is spinning.

~ Don’t they have to eat dinner? Why is everyone dressed so nice inside their own house?

~ Oh right, the cameras and TV show thing.

~ That’s it! The referee is calling for the bell! Arie and Kendall say goodbye to the family and go sit outside.

~ Kendall tells Arie that she’s falling for him.

~ What is this, Ring Around the Rosie?

~ Ashes, ashes, we all fall down!

~ Here we go! We’re off to Weiner, Arkansas for Tia’s hometown date.

~ They slowly run up to each other and he picks her up for a hug.

~ We are 2/2 on the run-pick up-hug sequence.

~ “I’m in Weiner.” – Arie

~ Tia is taking Arie racing on a dirt track. How original.

~ Arie drifts around in the dirt and Tia limps along like a snail on a driveway.

~ Tia warns him that her brother might grill him with questions tonight. Can’t wait!

~ Tia’s family has rolled out the red carpet tonight, and by that I mean they have a platter of pigs in a blanket! Because they’re in Weiner! I get it!

~ “So, like, we went on some crazy dates, Dad, you will freakin’ die.” – Tia

~ Tia’s Dad just called him “Airy” ahahahahahaha

~ They cheers to mini hotdogs.

~ Airy and Brother sit on the back porch and there is a breeze.

~ Tia’s brother looks like he’s dressed up as Stone Cold Steve Austin for Halloween.

~ Stone Cold has done his research on Airy and calls him a playboy.

~ Dang, the things you could find on the internet huh?

~ Airy has the wind taken out of him right now.

~ “I’m falling for your sister.”

~ Drink!

~ Arie has the same canned answers for every hometown date, it’s unbelievable completely believable.

~ Oh no, Stone Cold has softened up. He likes Airy.

~ Father Kenny is talking to Airy now. He mentions he’s read on the internet that he’s a playboy.

~ I’m just picturing Father Kenny and Brother Stone Cold hovering over a computer doing their research. What a sight.

~ Airy denies the playboy rumour.

~ Airy wants his blessing to propose to Tia.

~ “She really digs you.” – Father Kenny just turned into Booker T

~ This show always comes back to wrestling.

~ He gives his blessing.

~ “If you hurt her, I can find you on Google.”

~ And then what? AND THEN WHAT?

~ I don’t know how he did it, but Airy won over the family.

~ Tia tells Airy that she’s in love with him.

~ She’s peaking too soon. We’re still at Final 4! Save something for later, Tia!

~ Quick question as we go to commercial – Which did you enjoy less: Krystal’s unique voice on this show, or Fergie’s rendition of the national anthem at the NBA All-Star Game? Vote now by calling 1-888-IDOLS-08.

~ Don’t actually call that number, I’m just being stupid and reciting an old American Idol phone number. Those things never leave the brain.

~ We are off to Minneapolis, Minnesota – home of many of the kids in the Mighty Duck movies – for Becca’s hometown date.

~ Is there any chance they go rollerblading through the streets with hockey sticks?

~ Autumn is about to vomit all over my television screen.

~ And by “Autumn” I mean the season that comes after Summer.

~ I would’ve called it Fall but with so much falling going on in this episode, I thought it would be overkill.

~ They casually run up to each other and Becca performs the two feet jump into his arms.

~ She sticks the landing on his torso and we are 3/3.

~ Oh look, they’re picking apples. I bet they’ll take pictures of themselves pretending to walk between the trees and then post it on Instagram.

~ Arie is wearing a big winter jacket with fur on the hood. A bit too much. I’m sure Becca can crop him out of the photo.

~ Arie is now sitting in a tree p-i-c-k-i-n-g apples and tossing them down to Becca who is holding a bucket. This is love.

~ Now they are using a slingshot to launch an apple at a target. They hit it and we have a voiceover of Arie saying, “I know I’m falling for Becca”.

~ They just made caramel apples.

~ They’ve done about four things and Arie is convinced she’ll make a great mom.

~ Hey, I was once told I’d make a great Dad but that was after a kid at camp filled his pants and I…never mind.

~ Tia and Arie roll up to her house and the family inside is already skeptical. This is going to be great!

~ This jacket is wearing Arie. Arie is not wearing the jacket.

~ And we’re in the house!

~ Everyone is at the table and no one is eating! What has this show done to these normal, probably hungry, individuals!

~ After Becca’s father passed away, her Uncle Gary took on the father role.

~ Uncle Gary and Arie go have a chat.

~ Meanwhile, Becca is talking to her mom and asks her if she would allow Arie to propose to her.

~ “No.”

~ Well, there we have it.

~ The Mom is now sitting down with Arie.

~ According to them, choosing each other every day is what makes a marriage work.

~ I’m picturing Arie handing out roses to his wife every day for the rest of his life, but Chris Harrison always pops out from under the bed to say, “This is the final rose of the evening, Arie, when you’re ready.” And then the kettle goes off and they have to redo everything.

~ “I’m falling for her.”

~ We’re 3/3 with that statement.

~ Arie is falling for the camera operator at this point.

~ Arie asks for the mom’s blessing. Her mom says she will trust her daughter’s choice.

~ Oh no, Arie has won over this family as well.

~ This whole time I’ve been waiting for him to mess up a conversation with a parent so I can jump in and say, “Arie is poor with parents. Meanwhile, parents love me.” But no, everyone likes him and I can’t compliment myself.

~ This episode is dragging. I just want it to finish so I can watch ice dancing since there’s apparently some crooked judges who are looking to screw over Canada (Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir) tonight. Over my dead body they will!

~ We are off to Virginia Beach for Lauren A-‘s hometown date.

~ If this goes well, she’s getting bumped up to Lauren A.

~ And there it is, the running jump into his arms.

~ 4/4

~ To recap, these two have walked around on a date. They’ve rode (ridden?) bicycles. And now they’re riding horses on a beach.

~ Always in motion.

~ “I think Lauren and I started out pretty slow.” – Arie

~ Well yeah, she was barely on the show until Episode 3, but I singled her out in Episode 1, so take that Arie!

~ They’re eating crab legs on a pier and Lauren tells him to break a leg tonight, and hopefully no one gets crabby.

~ This! I’ve been waiting for the puns for eight episodes. Finally someone with a desperate attempt at humour.

~ Time to meet the parents.

~ From the outside, the house looks like it was built for a television show or movie. It looks like the backside of the Home Alone house.

~ Lauren and Arie are sitting on a couch on the other side of the room from the family.

~ You could put a moat between them.

~ Arie is now speaking Dutch. And the conversation dies!

~ I’ve been waiting for this!

~ Lauren’s Dad asks him if he plays golf. He doesn’t!

~ How are they supposed to bond? Arie, you fool. Lie next time, and then go play 36 holes a day to practise.

~ Arie is leaving the dinner table. He’s uncomfortable.

~ He’s nervous, and on the surface he looks clammy and sweaty.

~ There will be a moat in that living room before we know it.

~ The Father takes him out back to talk.

~ They are bonding over which type of planes they’ve flown. Ah, good save.

~ Arie tells Lauren’s mom that he’s falling in love with her daughter.

~ “Really?” – Mom; Ahahahaha Lauren gets her humour from her mother

~ So Arie has told every family that he’s falling in love with their daughter.

~ How in the world did they gather 29 women and within 2 months, Arie fell in love with 4 of them?

~ Lauren tells her mom, “I’m falling in love with him.”

~ “Really?” – This mom is on top of her “That don’t impress me much” game tonight.

~ The night is over, I don’t know what they served for dinner.

~ Just a reminder, he sent Bekah home because she was too young. She was 22. Lauren A (yeah, she’s gotten bumped up from A-) is 25. Is three years that much of a difference?

~ The girls are returning to the mansion and are greeted by Christopher Harrison.

~ Becca arrives first.

~ Kendall arrives second.

~ Tia rounds out the podium, arriving third.

~ “Welcome back to the mansion.” – Chris

~ Finally, he’s welcoming people to places where he isn’t also a visitor.

~ Though by this point, it should be the Harrison Manor.

~ Lauren A arrives fourth.

~ They’re all in different coloured dresses tonight. I wonder if they coordinated that in a Final Four group chat, or….?

~ Arie arrives last and exits the limo as if he’s never seen the mansion before.

~ He doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. Well, you can’t marry four of them.

~ He tells the girls that this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make in his life.

~ Man, these women must feel great knowing the guy they’re falling in love with is hung up on three other women.

~ Isn’t this what The Jerry Springer Show is for?

~ Arie is breaking down and leaves the Rose Ceremony.

~ Here, I’ll conduct the proceedings for him.

~ Hey, me again. Your boyfriend. I had a great time meeting your families. None of them had an appetite which was a bit concerning, but I can let that slide. There are three roses tonight and four of you, but I found where Chris Harrison hides his stash of roses and now there are four, so let’s get this going before production…catches…oh, they caught me. Back to three.

~ Lauren A. Lauren A, will you accept this rose? *Hug*

~ Tia. Tia, will you accept this rose? *Hug*

~ *Chris Harrison is lowered down from the ceiling in a harness*. Ladies, Paul, this is the final rose this evening. *Chris Harrison is raised back to the rafters*

~ *Cue the dramatic music* *Pan over to a shot of Kendall looking worried* *Overlay audio of her saying their connection is deep* *Cut to a shot of Becca looking worried* *Overlay audio of her saying she can see a future with Arie* *Go back to me, breathing heavily and twirling the rose*

~ Becca. Becca, will you accept this rose? *Hug*

~ Done.

~ See, Arie. It isn’t that hard.

~ In the meantime, Arie has come back in the room and taken Kendall away to talk.

~ Arie is asking Kendall if there’s a chance she can “get there”.

~ He’s basically asking if she will accept a proposal at the end of this. She won’t because she’s normal and knows two months on a TV show doesn’t mean they’ll spend a lifetime together, so why go through the charade of a TV proposal and the ensuing media appearances where she has to look happy and show off a ring that she knows is just a symbol of their time spent on a TV show and not a symbol of their everlasting love.

~ Woah, that was deep.

~ Let’s get this Rose Ceremony on the racetrack!

~ Becca gets the first rose.

~ Lauren A gets the second rose.

~ Here is Chris Harrison! He takes a deep breath, like he’s at a Doctor’s appointment, and reminds everyone there is only one rose left.

~ He gets paid so much.

~ Kendall gets the final rose! I guess I’m the one who should’ve had one last chat with Kendall?

~ Did the pigs in a blanket make him sick? Is that why Tia’s father called him Airy? Because he had a gas leak in their house? And is this why he’s sending her home? He’s embarrassed? He knows he can never go back into that house?

~ I love a good conspiracy theory.

~ Tia asks him what she did wrong. He says she didn’t do anything wrong.

~ “There’s just something missing.” – Arie

~ Tia it’s not you, it’s just the rules of Harrison Manor.

~ Tia goes home, crying in the limo.

The Women Tell All episode is next Sunday and the Final 3 episode is on Monday. I normally don’t do viewing notes for the Tell All episodes, but let’s see if I can be talked into it.

Thanks for reading and don’t forget to choose each other every day.

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

A Letter To T

Dear T,

Right off the top, let’s clear the air. Are you, or are you not, related to Mr. T? 

I’ll wait.

Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo DOO, doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, da, da da da, da, da da, dum dum.

That was the Jeopardy music, for those of you playing along at home.

Reveal your answer, T!

“What is no?”

Good question. What is no? 

So I take it, you’re not related to Mr. T. It’s fine. 

Perhaps you want to be referred to as T because you’re from Toronto? You’re not really from Toronto though, right? I say I’m from Toronto too, and so do some other bloggers, but we don’t literally mean Toronto. 

We live around there, the greater area of Toronto, if you will. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Unless you do actually live in Toronto, them I’m winking at and nudging strangers. Wouldn’t be the first time! Ha! Actually, I think it would be the first time.

Except maybe once on the subway. I once had this older man fall asleep on my shoulder. I let him stay there until I had to get off then I sort of nudged him to wake up.

Hey, we all need a pillow and no one likes to be woken up mid-sleep. I did my good deed of the day.

I guess he likes firm pillows because my shoulders are rock hard. Ba dum shhh.

Walking around downtown Toronto is quite the experience. Mainly because there are a lot of people and narrow sidewalks, especially when the Blue Jays play. However, no matter how busy the sidewalks are, strangers always seem to seek me out when they need directions.

I cannot explain it. Maybe I just have a welcoming, non-threatening disposition that people feel comfortable approaching? Might as well call me Paul E. Directions because if it weren’t for me, at least a dozen people would still be lost in Toronto.

Transitioning away from things that start with the letter T, let’s talk about the letter H. You know where this is going.

House warming presents!

Just kidding.


I might not be the biggest animal person in the world, but I can appreciate other’s affection towards them. Such as yours with Hippos. 

It always brings a smile to my face when you mention Hippos on your blog because I can tell you were probably smiling as you wrote about them. It makes me want to go find a penguin and hug it. 

Are penguins slippery? Should I only hug the penguins that are wearing clothes? What’s the proper etiquette?

Speaking of penguins…funny how this letter transitions into new things so seamlessly eh?

Speaking of penguins, the other day I tweeted about how I was watching an episode of Pingu on YouTube. I thought, “Ah, this tweet will go untouched and sail over everyone’s head, and then in 7 hours I’ll feel embarrassed about it and delete it when no one’s watching.”

But no! You commented on it and restored my faith in Pingu fans worldwide. Or maybe just locally. 

Seriously though, why was Pingu using the stove without parental supervision? And why did he think it was okay to give the townspeople (townspenguins?) popcorn that had been on the ground?

Very questionable life lessons, but hella entertaining.

I just used the word “hella” for the first time on this blog. How’d I do? 

Speaking of doing things…another seamless transition.

Speaking of doing things, you wanted me to tell you about that time I met a pirate queen. Well, okay.

It was a dark and stormy night because that’s when pirates come out to play. I was at Queen Station – you know the place, probably.

All of a sudden the subway stalled and the lights went out and onto the train walked a person in a pirate outfit. They had Polly the Parrot propped on the left shoulder. If it weren’t Halloween, it would’ve been weird.

So the pirate got a phone call and I’m assuming the person they were talking to asked them where they were because the pirate replied with, “I’m in a subway y’ar.”

Get it? Like “Subway car” but they’re a pirate so….ah, you get it.

Then they sat next to me and asked me my name. I said it was Polly, just to mess with them. Their eyes widened and then they said, “Golly, I got a Polly on my left and right shoulder.”

And then the pirate took out some cashews to feed Polly. Do parrots eat cashews? Because the pirate was feeding them to me. Ha!

I named it the Pirate Queen because it was a pirate at Queen station.

End scene.

Well, that was fun.

Fun…happy things…things outside…garden gnomes. Garden Gnomes!

I am killing it with these transitions, let me tell ya!

You told me that garden gnomes are of interest to you. There used to be a garden gnome in my neighbourhood. I always thought it was a year-round version of the scarecrow. I mean, would you trust a garden gnome in front of someone’s house?

Methinks it moves at night like the toys in Toy Story. You don’t just have a silent “G” in your name and not cause mischief.

Speaking of names….you asked me how I got the name Paul.

My parents gave it to me. Apparently, “Thomas” was also in the running but they liked Paul more.

Could you imagine if my name were Thomas? I would be a runaway train with the Thomas the Tank Engine puns. See!

As it is, my name offers up many puns for my disposal. I like my name. In Grade 2, we went around the class and had to clap out the number of syllables in our name.

Everyone had anywhere between 2-4 claps. Then it was my turn to shine.

Paul. One clap. Everyone laughed. It was great.

Well, I must be going now. It’s a cloudy, rainy day and it would be a waste if I don’t go stare out the window and listen to slow music. I’m only half kidding. 

Thank you for reading my blog and being a supporter of all things ridiculous that I write about. It really means a lot.

With one clap,


Posted in Letters | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments


I can see the moon from where I rest
It always has a twinkle in its eye
Come talk to me, come talk to me in the night
Tell me the story one more time tonight
It makes me feel good but you won’t know
Because this dream will never leave my pillow

Watch your hand like the ticking of a clock
Somehow, the morning is always out of reach
Come talk to me, come talk to me in the night
I promise to listen, but I might not hear
Never sure which way I have to go
I know this dream will never leave my pillow

There’s a water fight breaking out at 4am
Wait for the storm to pass and clouds to clear
Come talk to me, come talk to me in the night
And tell me who makes the sun shine
So I know where to find the rainbow
But this dream will never leave my pillow

Come talk to me, come talk to me in the night
This time of day makes everything feel alright
But it’s another day with nothing to show
Because this dream will never leave my pillow.

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

The Soundtrack of Sport

Yesterday, the radio voice of the Toronto Blue Jays, Jerry Howarth, announced his retirement after 36 seasons with the team. Health issues that have affected his voice in recent years, lead to his decision. Spring Training begins today, without him.

This post is inspired by Jerry Howarth.

I once had a conversation with my mom while I was in high school. I told her that if I ever end up working at a sports radio station, “or something like that”, then I’d be thrilled.

Truthfully, I didn’t know what I wanted to do there. I didn’t want to be on the air. I didn’t want to be behind the scenes. I didn’t actually want to do any work.

I just wanted to be there. I wanted to be the phantom of the opera for sports radio, but in a “Don’t mind me, I’m just observing” sort of way. Does that make sense?

Basically, I wanted to be a fly on the wall or a shadow on the floor.

I never pursued it. Perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy at the time since just a few years prior, I listed “Sports Reporter” as my future career in my elementary school yearbook.

Also, at the time, I was really hooked on just about every sports radio show on The FAN 590.

The Chuck Swirsky Show in the afternoon from 1-4 got me through an entire summer. I sat at my computer and played video games while listening to him on the radio. A cool breeze came in my window.

Nothing could beat that.

Ever since I was a kid, I’d fall asleep listening to sports talk radio at night. It would always be the end of a game, or the post-game show.

There was Andy Frost handling Leafs Talk. It was always a joy when “Mike in Buffalo” called in. He was almost a mythical creature. Hearing those long-time callers phone in each night, made the whole experience feel familiar.

On the baseball side of things, there was, and still is, Mike Wilner. He handles callers better than anyone else because the people who call him are delusional and he’s not.

The best nights were the ones when he’d say, “We’re going to extendo the Jays talk.” The best, I tell you.

When 11PM rolled around, Stormin’ Norm Rumack – The Late Night Vampire – would take over. If I’m not mistaken, his show ran all the way to 5AM. I thought it was ridiculous and incredible, all at the same time.

I thought, how in the world does this guy stay awake that long? When does he sleep?

About a decade later, I had become him. I was the guy staying up until 5AM with ease. I was the one people asked, “When do you sleep?”. I understood.

I haven’t even mentioned the radio voices that actually provided the play-by-play.

There was Eric Smith and Paul Jones calling Toronto Raptors Basketball. Eric Smith would always say, “The Raptors are going right to left in your mind’s eye.” I thought that was the smartest thing he could say.

Because when you listen to a game on the radio, the broadcaster is doing their best to paint a picture in your mind.

I recall a game a few years ago where Smith filled in on TV to call a game. He was describing every little detail and not letting the game breathe. This was how he always called a Raptors game, but for a TV audience, it was too much paint on the canvas.

I’d imagine going from radio to television, or vice versa, is extremely difficult, especially when you’re so accustomed to just one. Of course, there were people complaining on Twitter about his abundance of details because they didn’t know any better.

On the television side, some of my favourite broadcasters come from the hockey world.

Bob Cole.

Bob Cole is the soundtrack of my childhood. There are millions of other people who can say the same thing.

Nothing beat a Saturday night with the Toronto Maple Leafs on the ice and Bob Cole in the broadcast booth with colour analyst, Harry Neale. Absolutely nothing.

The way Bob Cole used his voice to build anticipation and guide the viewer through a rollercoaster of emotions, was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. There was a warmth to it, too.

Bob Cole is 84-years-old and still going. However, he doesn’t call Leaf games anymore, outside of the rare one, here or there. That saddens me, greatly. Nothing against Jim Hughson – I like Jim Hughson – but no one is Bob Cole.

Sticking with the Leafs – there’s Joe Bowen. The voice of the Leafs.

He would provide the play-by-play for television and radio games when I was growing up. And then a few years ago, he was moved to the radio permanently. No more Joe Bowen on TV.

That is a crime, in my books. (Insert story about Rogers owning the broadcast rights to the NHL in Canada).

Joe Bowen is boisterous. He’s enthusiastic. He’s loud. He’s the most excited person in the building. But most of all, he’s one of us. He’s a fan. And they took that away from us on the TV side.

We sat through many bad years, but Bowen was always there to guide us through them. He made sure we were still fans. A few years ago, when he was no longer on TV, and the team was horrendous, I didn’t watch a single game from start to finish. I couldn’t do it.

If you haven’t understood what I’ve been getting at in this entire post, it’s that sports are elevated to a new level when the broadcasters lend their voice to the action in front of them.

They are the soundtrack to their sport.

Some are better than others at capturing the emotion in the building, or stadium, and sending it through a television screen, or radio.

That’s why when Bob Cole does call the rare Leaf game, I text people about it. I’ll even tweet about it. Everyone has to get by their television and listen to Bob Cole until further notice, so help us God.

As a sports fan, I like a familiar voice, especially if it’s one I grew up listening to. Sports are the greatest thing in the world when you’re a kid. You’re innocent to all the drama, trade talks, and general discourse surrounding the team.

When you become an adult, you know too much. You might still love it, but the innocence is gone. You start to notice things you never did before.

Back to familiarity, though.

I grew up listening to Dan Shulman and Buck Martinez calling Blue Jays games on television. The music would hit, the camera would pan across the stadium, and then Dan and Buck would appear on my TV.

Every night, it was like seeing a couple of old friends and inviting them over.

And then in 2001, Shulman left.

In 2002, Martinez became the Manager of the team.

Everything was changing. I don’t like when broadcasters change. You don’t just let strangers into your home. You have to get to know them, first.

So when it was announced that Dan Shulman would be returning to the Blue Jays broadcast booth in 2016 for 30 games, I was overjoyed. Buck Martinez had already come back, and now Shulman was too.

I’m a sucker for nostalgia, if you can’t tell.

Ever been to a sporting event? There’s no commentary. Sure, you get the thrill of sitting next to someone who steals your arm rest, but the whole time – or maybe just me – you’re fully aware that something is missing from your experience.

I miss that voice that tells me what I’m seeing. I miss being led up a mountain of excitement, only to slowly come back down. I miss watching the game with that friend I’ve never met, but who’s voice is always in my house.

Here are some other broadcasters, who I’ve been a fan of for as long as I could remember.

Brian Williams – To the Americans reading this, I’m not talking about your Brian Williams. I’m talking about the Canadian Brian Williams. His Olympic coverage was incredible. No one weaved in and out of a story better than him.

Ron MacLean – The host of Hockey Night in Canada. He was replaced for two years and I think I speak for the entire country when I say that Saturday nights felt foreign to us without him. Again, we like familiarity. Fortunately, he was brought back last year. He is the soul of this country and you’re wrong if you think otherwise.

Steve Armitage – When the CBC was showing CFL games in the late 90s – early 2000s, he’d call the games. That’s when I first became aware of him, at least. He just has one of those voices that must be heard. Long track speed skating at the Olympics is a must-see event because he’s on the call.

Elliotte Friedman – He’s turned into one of the top hockey insiders in Canada, if not the world. I’ve been a fan of his since his days at The Score and the CBC, when he covered the CFL in the summer and NHL in the winter. My “50 Thoughts” segment on this blog was inspired by his “30 Thoughts” column, which has now turned into “31 Thoughts”.

There are many more. Bob McKenzie. Gord Miller. Stephen Brunt. I could go on forever.

I’d like to end this by going back to Jerry Howarth, though.

His long-time partner in the booth was Tom Cheek, who had been with the Blue Jays from Day 1 until his passing in 2005. Cheek was in the booth for 4306 consecutive games (think about that) and will always be the soundtrack behind Joe Carter’s walk-off home run to win the World Series in 1993.

“Touch ’em all Joe! You’ll never hit a bigger home run in your life.”

I’m lucky enough to have grown up listening to Cheek and Howarth. They don’t make broadcaster likes that anymore.

Jerry Howarth started each radio broadcast with, “Hello friends”. Fitting, considering he carved out a friendship with millions of fans. We’re forever grateful for the one-sided conversation. All we had to do was listen.

Sitting in the car, or laying in bed listening to the Blue Jays will never be the same. It’s not because whoever fills his seat isn’t qualified.

It’s because whoever fills his seat won’t be Jerry Howarth.

“Yes sir, there she goes.”

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Arie) Ep. 7

Twelve comes after eleven, it’s episode seven!

~ The circus continues in Italy this week. How long before Arie says it’s beautiful there? Oh, three seconds. He just said it.

~ Arie can’t wait to eat pasta. If my grandparents were watching this, they’d be screaming “Mangia!” at the TV.

~ Hey look, it’s Christopher M. Harrison. He’s wearing a jacket so there is no sleeve update, for now.

~ “Welcome to Tuscany!” – Chris


~ The last three episodes have all started the same way.

~ Chris says Arie is in a great mood. Is Arie an animal in a zoo? Does this mean they’re allowed to pet him?

~ There is no Rose Ceremony this week. Instead, there are three one-on-one dates and a group date.

~ Nothing says, “I don’t want a future with you” more, than being put on a group date the week before hometown dates.

~ “Almost half of us are going home.” #BachelorMath

~ The girls enter their hotel room and freak out at how nice it is. Again.

~ Becca is going on the first date.

~ “Ciao, Bella” – Arie. Don’t make me break out my Italian lexicon, Arie.

~ Actually, I’m better at speaking Italian than I am writing it. And by that I mean, I know about three sentences and they’re all useless.

~ Arie wants to have a picnic. They went all this way for a picnic? Even Yogi Bear is questioning this.

~ They buy bread from a man who has a table set up outside. Probably because his bakery is too small for a camera crew.

~ I know where this is going. They’re about to make a Paul Christmas Special.

~ A nice crusty panino with either prosciutto, or salami and cheese. That’s my Christmas lunch appetizer while everything else is cooking.

~ Oh look, they’re picking out cold cuts. I’m good.

~ Becca doesn’t want Arie to question whether or not she’s interested in him. Episode 7.

~ They kiss on rocks and dance while holding wine. Now he has her against a wall. This concludes the first half of their date. They know so much about each other.

~ Back at the hotel motel holiday inn, Jacqueline is crying. She liked her date with Arie but had doubts.

~ If you remember, Arie called her too smart for him and made her feel bad that she’s not dumber.

~ Becca tells Arie he will be the first guy she introduces to her family as her boyfriend. Oh this should go well.

~ “This is my boyfriend. He’s been dating 25 women and kissing most of them over the last two months. Oh and he used to race cars but he wasn’t that great at it. Our couple name is Beccarie. Get it? Like bakery, but Beccarie. It’s going to be the social media hashtag for our wedding and everyone will hate it, but no one will say anything.”

~ Arie gives her a rose and tells her he’s falling for her.

~ “He’s coming to Minnesota!” Alright, Tom Brady went to Minnesota and it didn’t work out that well for him, and he’s the best. Let’s cool our jets, Becca.

~ Tom Brady and Arie have the same haircut.

~ Arie says he had doubts about Becca this morning, but eating a Paul Christmas Special helped him get over those doubts.

~ Note: I’ve never called it a “Paul Christmas Special” until just a few minutes ago when I felt the need to make it sound better than just a sandwich.

~ The next date goes to Lauren B+.

~ Newsflash to everyone else: You’re not even his second option. Leave the hotel and befriend a Nonna who will take care of you.

~ Jacqueline goes to visit Arie.

~ Arie answers the door like it’s Halloween.

~ I think Arie’s drunk. He’s pouring more wine. He’s been drinking since the morning.

~ Jacqueline is worried she’s going to end up married to him and not know how it happened.

~ But Jacqueline, you’re the sober one right now!

~ She breaks up with him. He doesn’t seem crushed at all. They kiss a few times, as all couples do when they break up.

~ Grab your bags, Jacqueline! There’s a Nonna waiting for you down the road with a fresh veal on a bun, with peppers. Andiamo!

~ To clarify, Jacqueline is leaving because she thinks Arie is perfect, and she really likes him, but doesn’t think she can marry him.

~ It’s the next day and Arie meets up with Lauren B+.

~ Last week, they walked around in silence. Let’s see what they do now.

~ They are going to ride bikes around town. I see what he did. If the conversation isn’t there, they can get to their destination faster.

~ Friendly reminder that Lauren B+ was my favourite after night one. Never forget that.

~ Oh, now they’re walking around town with ice cream cones.

~ Now they’re eating pizza! Mangia!

~ Arie would be the first guy Lauren introduces to her family.

~ A kid kicks a soccer ball at their table.

~ Thou shalt not mix soccer with pizza! How dare you!

~ Arie and Lauren are now playing soccer with the kids on pavement, with tables around them. I see no nets.

~ You’re not supposed to play sports five seconds after eating! What is this, camp? Shoutout to Sharon.

~ Seinne gets the final one-on-one date. This is her first of the season.

~ For maximum drama, he’ll probably send Seinne home and then give roses to two of the three girls on the group date.

~ The drama is in him leaving one person behind, rather than two. If he left two of them, they could console each other. But this show is ruthless and leaving one person behind will get them the maximum amount of tears.

~ We’ll see how this plays out, but you’ve been warned.

~ Arie and Lauren A- (I’ve improved her initial) are now at dinner, sitting at everyone’s favourite circular table!

~ Arie wants to get to know her better, but asks her if she’s ready to bring him home.

~ Oh no, she said it. She’s starting to fall in love with him. That made Arie sweat. He leaves the table.

~ Dinner for one! Every dinner is a dinner for one when you’re Italian.

~ Arie returns.

~ He assures her nothing is wrong and that he’s just excited to meet her family.

~ For a guy who, on night one, said that excitement makes him excited, that was a weird way to show his excitement.

~ That sentence gave me a headache.

~ I need my Nonna.

~ Another dinner left untouched. IN ITALY. Go back to Fort Lauderdale.

~ Arie and Lauren A- are now kissing by a really big tree, on empty stomachs!

~ You know the phrase, “Wine and Dine”? On this show it’s, “Wine and Whine.”

Boom, roasted.

~ Or, “Wine and More Wine”.

~ Arie and Seinne are now on their date and Arie welcomes her to Tuscany. This has to stop.

~ If you’re in a relationship with someone and go on a trip, are you going to meet them for lunch and say “Welcome to ____!” NO!

~ They are on the hunt for some truffles.

~ Please tell me we’re getting a Nonna on this date.

~ If not a Nonna, I’ll settle for a visual of furniture that is still covered in plastic. Some of you will understand this. The rest of you have no clue what I’m talking about.

~ They meet up with a guy named Giulio, who has two dogs.

~ They’ve been saying”Andiamo” a lot in this episode. That means “Let’s go” in Italian. I know this because my parents have said it to me my whole life, mainly as a joke.

~ Giulio is now digging up truffles in the woods…

~ Well knock me over and call me Truffleupagus, I thought they were going to a bakery.

~ Ah, Giulio invites them over to his house for lunch with his family.



~ They’re making pasta!

~ I’m having flashbacks to my childhood and using my hands to mix eggs with flour. The developmental years of Chef Paulo.

~ Now they’re making pizza and Arie brags that he used to work at a pizza place.

~ Seinne tells Nonna Helena that they’ve been together for two months.

~ Arie tells the daughters (?) inside that it isn’t love yet with Seinne.

~ Grated cheese! Oh man.

~ Mangia! Mangia!

~ This show really caters to me and my interests.

~ “I can tell she really, really likes me.” – Arie, Age 9

~ Slow your role, Carly Rae Jepsen.

~ Arie is worried that they’re going to fall in love and then be on two different fences.

~ I don’t know much, but I don’t think that’s how love works. This isn’t Home Improvement with Tim Allen.

~ Who got that reference?

~ Seinne says she needed this date to “get there” with him. Lauren A- said the same thing.

~ Wowee, the things people say when hometown dates are next week. It’s almost as if they’re playing a game and know the exact thing to say to get to the next level.

~ Back at Hotel Parmegiano, Bekah is dressed like Rupert Bear!

~ Do you guys know who I’m talking about? Google it. He was in comic strips and a children’s TV show.

~ She’s wearing the same red sweater that Rupert Bear wore.

~ Bekah, Tia, and Kendall are on the final date.

~ Oh no, is he going to leave Bekah behind and allow the producers to create a “Lost child in Italy” vibe?

~ She’s been talking about her odds of getting a rose all episode. Classic editing move. They’re setting up the juxtaposition of her feelings with the reality of the situation. Watch.

~ Hey, I haven’t watched this show since the days of Trista and Ryan (2003), just to not know how the editing works.

~ I’ve been watching this show for 15 years. A moment of silence for me, please.

~ Back to Seinne. Arie is sending her home because he feels like they should be further along.

~ That’s his fault, isn’t it? Episode 7 and she gets her first one-on-one date.

~ Seinne is blindsided, wishes him well, and leaves her food untouched as he walks her to a car.

~ They should just use food props on this show.

~ Back at Hotel Cantina, the other girls are shocked Seinne is gone because everything surprises them.

~ Time for the 3-on-1 date. Two will stay, one will go.

~ “Oh hey there. Ciao, ciao, ciao.” – Arie

~ Is he going to be repeating himself three times for this entire date? He might short-circuit.

~ The women walk up to him slowly. They were more excited to see their hotel room.

~ They are at Villa Royale which is a “perfect place for a date”, says Tia.

~ Why can’t they go somewhere imperfect? No wonder these couples don’t transition well to the real world. Everything is a downgrade.

~ Bekah needs to stop talking about the odds of getting a rose on this date. The editor already has enough footage and we know the odds.


~ Boom, roasted.

~ Kendall is worried that her family will question whether they’ll be “at that point” by the time “this” ends.

~ Why do they always feel like it’s a proposal or nothing at the end of this?

~ Tia spends her time by telling Arie that Bekah is on a different page.

~ Page. Books. Follow along, class. School. Magic School Bus.

~ Bam. A Magic School Bus reference, three episodes in a row. #MakeItFour

~ Tia has no doubts. She wants him to grab the mustard, so he can relish his trip to Weiner, Arkansas next week.

~ Tia is now telling Rupert Bear Bekah that she told Arie that Bekah could break his heart because she might not know how she’s feeling since she’s a child.

~ “I feel like a big sister.” – Mama Bear Tia

~ Bekah is crying and her mascara (correct me if I’m wrong) is running so it looks like a black tear streaming down her face.

~ Bam, first beauty reference on this blog ever.

~ Bekah is afraid she’ll lose something she can’t replace and doesn’t want to love someone and have it go to waste. She’s stuck in reverrrrse.

~ Let’s see if lights can guide her home.

~ And if you didn’t pick up on those Coldplay references, I will try to fix you.

~ It never ends.

~ Bekah feels like she just got kicked in the stomach.

~ Bekah is wearing the same kind of shoulderless top that Lauren A- wore on her date.

~ Look at that, beauty and fashion observations within 30 seconds. I might need to rebrand.

~ So now these two are going to spend their time talking about whether Bekah is here for the right reasons or not.

~ What does Arie talk to people about when he first meets them? How does he get to know someone? Because he hasn’t shown off any conversation skills this entire season.

~ Bekah is proving that they’re compatible by showing off her two grey hairs.

~ Well, if this isn’t love…

~ Kendall gets the first rose! Because the battle is between Tia and Bekah and this heightens the drama.

~ Also, as I said last week, Kendall is a direct talker. That’s key on a show like this. Oh, and in life. Yeah.

~ And she collects taxidermy, so you knew they weren’t going to let Arie send her home without accompanying her and filming it.

~ Arie walks Kendall to a car because he likes her so much, that he’d rather spend the evening with two girls he’s unsure about.

~ See, this is why he couldn’t keep Seinne. The drama is in him sending one woman home on a date where there are three of them.

~ It’s the last supper, featuring Tia and Bekah.

~ Topics tonight will include: Age, Wine, and Grey Hairs. Bonus points if all three topics are used in one sentence.

~ “I like your hair, but it doesn’t age like a fine wine.”

~ They are seated for no more than 11.3 seconds and Arie takes Tia away to talk to her.

~ That’s just rude.

~ Now they’re sitting on a bench outside because most conversations on this show happen on a bench.

~ Tia is 26. Bekah is 22. Arie is 37. Tia claims she is more ready for marriage than Bekah.

~ My calculator is getting an error. Something doesn’t add up. And when something doesn’t add up, you must subtract!

~ Kids, that’s not a real math rule. Stick to BEDMAS, listen to your teachers, and look up the answers in the back of your textbook. You’ll have all your homework done in time for the 7PM hockey game.

~ Tia gets the rose! Bekah is going home.

~ Arie never says how he’s feeling on this show. All he does is ask the girls how they are and then kisses them until we go to commercial. So when he sends someone home, it feels so cold and sudden.

~ It’s very Juan Pablo-esque.

~ Oh good, it’s over.

~ We have a Final Four of Becca, Lauren A-, Tia, and Kendall. Tune in next week as February Fever continues.

Get it? Final Four. March Madness. February Fever? Alliteration? I give up.

Next Monday we meet the families and get to hear from the intimidating fathers.

Thanks for reading!

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments


Seasons come and go, you sit by the radio
Finish your coffee, but the bottom doesn’t show
The world is outside the window
Your world is deep within
One day, maybe
One day, maybe, it’ll begin

Where am I supposed to go
And what should I take
Do I bring the things I’ll never need
Or ingredients to bake
I’ll know when I get there, but by then…
It’ll be too late
It’ll be too late

Reading the paper, you soak in all the words
Fill in the crossword, you’re smarter than all the nerds
Be a rain drop among the puddles
But only when you cry
One day, maybe
One day, maybe, it’ll dry

What am I supposed to show
And what am I supposed to tell
Sit around on the carpet and hope it all goes well
If I could only decide which side to hide
And who will see the rest
Then I’ll get some rest
Then I’ll get some rest

When the sun is my watch, what will make it turn
When the moon is my crutch, who will stand next to me
When the water runs out, will my reflection run in
When my mind is made up, what could bring me down
When will that be, when will that be
Because the seasons come and go with an empty chair by the radio
Finish my breakfast, there is no morning joe
Skimming the paper, the words dry up you see
Solving the crossword, I get stuck at number three
But it’s only me, it’s only me.

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

A Letter To Gelene

Dear Gelene,

I’m currently dealing with a minor injury to my right hand, but I shall power through and overcome the pain in order to get this letter out to you!

You’re probably wondering how I injured my hand. I’ll tell you.

I was sitting at my laptop, when all of a sudden my right hand moved and rubbed up against the front edge – the part below the cursor pad. There’s a bit of a lip there because that’s where the laptop opens.

Anyway, I hit the back of my hand against it and it cut me. Just like that, without warning.

The edge of the laptop fled the scene.

There is a small cut on the back of my right hand and a dot of blood that has dried up and won’t go away.

Am I in pain? Well, are giraffes necks long?

No, I’m not in pain. I just like to play it up for the cameras. Disregard that question about giraffes.

So as I write to you in my fragile state – again, playing it up for the cameras – just know that this letter meant a lot to me. It’s my first step in seeking revenge on my laptop for doing such a thing.

I’m not someone who gets hurt. Maybe it’s all the milk I drink. The worst I’ve ever been injured is torn ligaments in two of my fingers, but that was so long ago I can’t even remember which hand it happened to.

I think it was me left hand because the top third of my middle finger and ring finger bend a bit flimsier-ly (new word alert) than the same fingers on the other hand. Not much. It’s not like they’re a doggy door, but they’re bendy.

That being said, it could easily be the same two fingers on the other hand. I can’t remember for certain. 

Anyways, you mentioned that you like the show, Better Caul Saul. I do too. Though I feel like the show hasn’t hit its groove yet. Maybe I’m just anxious for Saul to get into his criminal activities.

I’m bored with the whole storyline about his brother. I just want that to end.

Did you watch Breaking Bad before this show? I did. Many people say it’s the best show they’ve ever seen. I don’t know if I’d say that for me. I mean, it was really good and concise. But I wouldn’t say it’s the best show I’ve ever seen.

Nothing will ever top Scooby-Doo.

I’m kidding. Kinda.

I didn’t watch Breaking Bad until the entire show was finished, so I was essentially binge watching it and not looking up anything about the show between episodes. Maybe I missed out on the experience by doing that.

Currently, I need a new Netflix show to watch. Nothing is jumping out at me. I watch Riverdale and How To Get Away With Murder, but I record those and watch them on TV.

From television to fiction now. You asked me to tell you a story about my neighbour, who keeps leaving donuts at my doorstep.

I’d love to get into a fictional story about this, but it has actually happened to me before! Sorta.

I was living in residence at school in third year and my roommate and I were going to walk across the street to get donuts. It was late at night, we both had long nights ahead. Donuts called our name.

At the same time, I was texting a girl who lived on our floor and told her we were going for donuts. She mentioned she wanted to come too, but we were already gone by the time I got that text. So I asked her if she wanted me to bring her something. She asked for a tea. 

A few days later, I got a knock on my door and answered it. No one was there, but on the ground was a box of six donuts. 

I knew who it was from right away.

The only bad thing about this box of donuts was they were an assortment because “I didn’t know which ones you liked.”

Truth be told, I like two donuts. Chocolate Dip and Hawaiian (the one with sprinkles on top). That’s it. 

Boston can keep their Cream.

Crullers can keep their Honey.

Though push come to shove, I’d eat those as well.

This box didn’t even have them, though! I think there was one with nuts. A strawberry looking flavour. And who knows what else.

Is it bad that I appreciated the gesture, but didn’t like the contents of the box?

“It’s the thought that counts.”

I get that. And I wasn’t even expecting anything in return for the tea.

But being the donutaholic that I was at the time, a small part of me was wishing my favourites in the box. 

And that’s my story.

Lastly, you asked me what the last movie I watched was.

The last movie I watched was The Disaster Artist. I’m not big on movies. I’ve been to the movie theatre exactly twice in the last six years and both of those visits have been within the last five months.

Some people go to movies, I go to sporting events or stay home.

The movie was good. I had read the book that inspired it, and had seen the movie, The Room, which had inspired the book.

I don’t know what the next movie I’ll see is. 


I think I lied to you.

I think the last movie I saw was called Table 19 – it’s on Netflix. Anna Kendrick is in it.

Don’t ask me what inspired me to watch it because I have no idea. But I was looking for something to watch one night and it looked interesting and so I thought, “Hey, why not?”

Well, I must be going. I hope this letter has found you well in the Philippines!

With a minor injury,


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