Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 12

We made it. Welcome to Part 1 of the season finale of The Bachelorette.

Joining me once again is Cass – her thoughts will appear in BOLD. Let’s get this show on the road.

We’re back! Only two more of these before you’re done with us till The Bachelor.

~ Chris Harrison greets us in front of a lively studio audience and asks a bunch of rhetorical questions that subtly tell us Hannah won’t have a happy ending.

~ I now expect Avril Lavigne to perform, “My Happy Ending” at the After The Final Rose episode, just as Air Supply did last season.

~ We go back to the Rose Ceremony in Greece, where Luke was banished, and Hannah still has two roses to give out.

~ Starting off with Hannah freaking out & Chris nonchalantly moving the rose table back.

~ This Rose Ceremony has already carried on for too long, let’s get on with it please.

~ Really upset the salmon jacket didn’t make it this far, clearly it belonged to one of the guys who was sent home. 

~ The first rose goes to Jed.

~ The second rose goes to Tyler.

~ Tyler always says her whole name & it’s the freaking cutest thing in the world. 

~ Peter Pilot will be flying home.

~ Later Peter.

~ I reallllly hate the back of that dress.

~ She tells Peter Pilot he is her Ken doll and did nothing wrong. We go back to the studio and Peter Pilot has landed in the seat across from Chris Harrison.

~ We’re back in the studio, time to fast-forward.

~ I am going to fly through this episode if it means I can fast-forward these studio segments.

~ Back to Greece we go and Hannah’s family is there to meet the final two. First up, Tyler.

~ OMG, time for Tyler to meet the parents.

~ Tyler arrives with flowers and a golf shirt that says, “I just came from a country club.”

~ Tyler reveals that he took a bunch of dance classes in college because he got kicked out of his English class and got a D in Economics, so he had to take summer classes and dance was one of them.

~ Hannah’s mom is very impressed by Tyler: “He was pretty amazing all the way around.”

~ Hannah’s dad is also impressed by Tyler.

~ OMG I’M JUST MELTING OVER HERE.

~ This just in: Cass is also impressed by Tyler.

~ That went so damn well!

~ GO TYLER.

~ Oh Jed’s time, let’s see how this goes.

~ While Hannah is outside greeting Jed, Hannah’s mom tells the rest of the family that she’ll give Jed a fair shot, but Tyler set the bar high.

~ It’s been five seconds and Jed is already talking about being a musician.

~ The family doesn’t look impressed.

~ Hannah’s dad pulls him aside and asks about his plan for the future and how he’ll support Hannah.

~ Jed tells him he’s signed a deal with a dog food company. He wrote a jingle for them.

~ LOL, Jed going on about how he signed a contract with a dog food company to write their jingle…

~ Remember when Jed admitted to coming on the show to further his music career, but that changed when he realized how great Hannah is?

~ Jed says Hannah’s parents seem concerned about the financial aspect of their relationship.

~ “They don’t think I’m adequate or something.” – I’M DEAD

~ Do her parents not know that most contestants who make it this far end up being social media influencers and get paid to sell products no one needs?

~ “How do you think about Jed and I together?” “He has qualities….”

~ OH MAN.

~ Hannah’s parents prefer Tyler because he’d be able to support her.

~ All signs from her parents are literally pointing towards Tyler.

You can tell Hannah came into this wanting to pick Jed, but her family likes Tyler, so now she’s confused.

~ Hannah tells her dad that she can provide for herself and her family as well, and doesn’t need to rely on a man.

~ I’m just so glad that date didn’t go well at all.

~ Time for the final date between Hannah and Tyler.

~ They are going horseback riding….again. The horses cooperate this time.

~ Tyler and Hannah sit down on a blanket with wine and Tyler tells her he wants to be with her.

~ Guys should be watching Tyler & actually taking notes.

~ The night portion of the date is more of the same.

~ “I could see being in his arms forever.” – Foreshadowing?

~ It’s time for the last date between Hannah and Jed.

~ They’re on a boat. This is the 74th date this season that’s taken place on a boat.

~ Of course, they do the Titanic pose. I’ve never seen Titanic.

~ “I don’t know if I like all these rocky waters.” – Hannah

~ Hannah feels sicks.

~ FORESHADOWING?

~ Hannah getting sea sick while on her date with Jed is a serious sign.

~ Jed’s conversations with her are less about how they’ll spend their life together, and more about worrying what will happen in the next few days and what her family thought of him.

~ Jed, you aren’t here for the right reasons, so shut your mouth. 

~ Safe to say, he knows her family preferred Tyler.

~ It’s time for the night portion and Jed admits that he’s feeling anxious. Hannah is, too.

~ Jed reiterates that he wants to be with her.

~ Hannah is confused about who she wants to be with.

~ She slept with Tyler tonight & didn’t with Jed – that’s another sign guys!

~ Back to the studio we go, to wrap up the episode.

~ Chris Harrison: “Will Hannah get the happy ending she deserves or will it be the most shocking finale in Bachelor history that might leave all of Bachelor nation in tears?”

~ Probably the latter, Chris, by the way you worded that. Geeze.

~ Hannah is now telling us that since the last day in Greece, the last few months have been really tough and emotional and Hannah doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow, but has a lot of questions she needs answers to.

~ Another PSA from Hannah, it’s been one of those seasons.

~ They’re buttering our pans so hard right now.

~ Chris Harrison wants us to get our rest because tomorrow night is like nothing we’ve seen before.

Alright, Chris. Goodnight.

Thanks Paul for letting me be a part of this tonight, & since you can’t get rid of me that easy I’ll see you all tomorrow….

One more episode to go. See you all back here tomorrow for the conclusion of this season.

Do you think she’ll pick Tyler, or Jed? Will Chris Harrison yell at someone? Will Hannah have a happy ending? Will Avril Lavigne show up? We’re dying to know your thoughts! Literally, we’re dying here. It’s been a long season. 

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Hockenheim

Soak it in because…FINALLY, the rain has found its way back to a Formula 1 racetrack on race day! There is nothing better than watching twenty cars struggle around every turn because the ground is wet.

It’s just hours of un-fastforwardable entertainment.

The German Grand Prix took place yesterday in Hockenheim and it was chaos. Oh, how I love chaos with my sports.

I don’t care that auto racing likes to show off fast cars that can get from Point A to Point B in the blink of an eye. I want there to be a struggle. I want every car to have a chance to run near the front. I want the unconventional and unlikely to happen.

I WANT RAIN.

Earlier this week, I added Hockenheim, Germany to my phone’s weather app for the sole purpose of checking to see if there would be rain this weekend.

Sure enough, THERE WAS.

It’s like I stubbed my toe and went to heaven.

If you don’t follow Formula 1, let me lay out this season for you very quickly.

It started with a behind-the-scenes Netflix documentary, which turned into Mercedes dominating every race, and Ferrari looking like bumbling fools at every turn, except in Canada where Vettel ran away from the cameras, but came back to put the first place sign in front of his second place car because wooo pettiness, but let’s not forget about Red Bull essentially being a one driver team, or the fact that Lance Stroll qualifies 18th for just about every race, while the Williams team is three seconds slower than everyone else.

That’s it, you’re caught up.

Needless to say, this season has been boring. There has been no doubt who has the fastest car and everyone is just driving in circles trying to get excited about a 7th place finish.

The great equalizer is rain. Anyone can spin off at any time and strategy comes into play multiple times throughout the race. It’s just mayhem and I love every second of it.

The German Grand Prix yesterday was the most entertaining race I’ve seen since I started following Formula 1 again in 2016. It was the first time, in a long time, I didn’t have to fast forward through any of it.

I won’t bore you with all the details – if you didn’t watch it, you won’t understand what I’m saying. I will list off some of my favourite moments, though.

1. LANCE STROLL WAS IN FIRST PLACE FOR ABOUT 45 SECONDS. I was laughing so hard. I still can’t believe it. Here’s a guy who is consistently 18th in qualifying, leading a race. The camera never showed his car while he was in first. I also found that funny.

2. Lewis Hamilton – resident golden boy – had a pit stop that was nearly a minute long because he hit a wall right before the pit lane and broke his front nose, so his team didn’t have time to prepare anything for him before he arrived.

I love unscheduled pit stops. They make my heart sing. The frantic scene that unravels, while the car sits still for way too long, coupled with the commentators voices getting more urgent – it’s just incredible.

3. The word, “Bollard”. Hamilton darted into the pit lane by crossing over the grass, instead of entering the lane properly on the right side of the BOLLARD. I just love that word and how the British commentators say it. BOLLARD.

4. Hometown hero, Sebastian Vettel, started in last place and finished second. Of course he did. Ferrari is really good at concocting a race strategy when they have nothing to lose. Time for new tires? Sure, why not! Let’s roll the dice!

He was so enthusiastic after the race in interviews. It sounded like he had fun for the first time in years. Hopefully, this sparks something in him and reminds him who he is and what he’s capable of.

5. Daniil Kvyat got his Toro Rosso on the podium in third place. When cars that aren’t supposed to be on the podium, get on the podium, I love it. Some people like greatness and enjoy seeing the same people dominate. I don’t.

6. If I had a dime for every time they said someone was off at the penultimate corner, I could probably sponsor the German Grand Prix and keep it alive beyond this season. I like when cars go off the track, as long as the driver doesn’t get hurt, obviously.

It normally leads to some sort of safety car and forces teams to make split-second decisions on whether to pit, or stay out. It just injects uncertainty into the race.

I didn’t enjoy seeing Charles Leclerc go off, but it was for the greater good. He’s young and will be around for the next decade. It’s fine.

7. The Haas drivers don’t play nice with each other and I love it. In a world where all every team wants is for their drivers to give each other space on the track, Kevin Magnussen and Romain Grosjean refuse to go an entire race without bumping into each other.

It’s like a square on a Bingo card at this point. Did the Haas cars touch? Yup! Cross it off.

8. Max Verstappen won the race. Red Bull is like the Alternative music genre. They won’t get the attention on the radio stations, but will sneak up on you and say, “Hey, we sound better than them!”

My loyalties are split between Ferrari and Red Bull, so it’s always good to see Red Bull do well.

9. Kimi Raikkonen’s car is the epitome of “old man strength”. All the young kids on the track are driving around in the rain for the first time, feeling things out, and there he is just cruising around like it’s no big deal.

He’s such a character. You can’t understand a word he says in interviews because he speaks on the same breath for the duration of his mumbled collection of sentences, but it’s endearing.

10. I thoroughly enjoy watching a team be the first to take a gamble on dry tires. It could pay off, like it did for Stroll and Kvyat, or it could be catastrophic. There is no in between. But as soon as the other teams see that dry tires are working…EVERYBODY INTO THE PITS!

If you can’t tell by now, I enjoy a busy pit lane.

11. Honourable mention to Ted Kravitz – pit lane reporter. For some reason (which I won’t get into), he isn’t at every race this year. It’s a shame because he brings so much joy to the broadcast. He transfers his passion and knowledge of F1 to each viewer at home.

Those are my favourite moments from the race. I’m probably missing some because the whole race was my favourite moment.

It’s a shame there won’t be a German Grand Prix next season. It’s a great track, which is surrounded by a gazillion trees. It’s quite the site/sight.

I enjoy the old-school feel to it, with grass on the side of the track, as well as different areas where you can pass. Plus, it’s Germany. How can you not have a Formula 1 race there every year? They basically make cars there for breakfast.

I’m still mad they aren’t going back to Malaysia, so don’t get me started on this whole “not returning to certain tracks because of money” thing.

That being said, if they find new countries with racetracks that provide great entertainment, I’ll shut right up and enjoy it. But the last thing this sport needs is more tracks where overtaking is impossible.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this post because the race was so much fun to watch. I hope there are more wet weather races this season. And if they aren’t, I urge F1 officials to set up sprinklers on the track to get it nice and wet.

Anything you need to do to bring out the wet tires, do it.

I still long for the days when they didn’t just have wet tires, but also monsoon tires.

MONSOON TIRES.

Those two words still get me pumped up.

Tomorrow I’ll be adding Mogyorod, Hungary as a location on my weather app, to see if rain is expected for next weekend’s grand prix. Let us pray.

Thanks for reading!

What are your thoughts on yesterday’s German Grand Prix? What quirky aspects of your favourite sport do you enjoy?

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 11

This will be the shortest Bachelorette recap we’ve ever done because the first twenty minutes of the show is all we’re discussing. The rest of the episode was The Men Tell All which I refuse to sit through.

After a week away, Cass is back to make sure I don’t fall into this sinkhole alone. Her thoughts will be in BOLD.

I’m back, sorry for leaving y’all last week (very sorry Paul for abandoning you, won’t happen again).

Let’s get this going.

~ Chris Harrison is in front of a deathly silent studio audience because this show must be serious about everything at all times.

~ We’re now seeing footage of the Rose Ceremony in Greece, after Hannah sent Luke “home” last week.

~ Peter Pilot, Tyler, and Jed are wearing the same suit, just different colours. Are they triplets now? What’s going on here?

~ The overlapping audio is Hannah trashing Luke, which is only about nine weeks later than when the viewers started doing it.

~ That is one interesting dress.

~ I’m just so glad she finally came to her senses about Luke.

~ Surprise, he’s on his way back…

~ Cut to Luke in a car, filming himself en route to the Rose Ceremony. The studio audience is shocked he’s coming back. SHOCKED, I tell you.

~ HE HAS A FREAKING RING.

~ I CAN’T GUYS, I CAN’T.

~ Luke says he still loves Hannah and this isn’t over for him.

~ The Bachelor producers have (probably) convinced him to come back to talk to Hannah because they don’t care about how it’ll make Hannah feel seeing him again. They just want the drama.

~ Luke walks into the Rose Ceremony and takes his place in the police lineup.

~ Meanwhile, off-stage, Chris is telling Hannah she has three men and two roses.

~ OMG she has no idea, omg my heart can’t take this.

~ This is all a set-up and Chris Harrison knows it. He’s an evil mastermind.

There’s probably a producer in his earpiece telling him that Luke has arrived and he can stop stalling Hannah.

Hannah is on her way…

~ Wow, she walked those stairs so gracefully, I would have wiped out.

~ Hannah arrives and sees Luke standing there.

~ “Why are you here?” “I need to talk to you.” “No.”

~ This is a script straight out of a Grade 9 drama class.

~ The look on the guys faces right now. 

~ Pretty sure you can’t just wander onto a TV set if the crew/security doesn’t let you. They let him. He’s not crashing anything. He’s being permitted to torment her further. That ain’t right.

~ HIM PULLING THE COMMUNICATION CARD.

~ “I’ve already sent you home.” – The guys in line look relieved.

~ Go Hannah!

~ Peter, Jed & Tyler are trying so hard not to laugh. 

~ The guys are now stepping in to create a buffer between Luke and Hannah.

~ STEP ON IN, BOYS.

~ Jed talking to him like he’s a dog. “Get”…”Go”.

~ Where’s Chris Harrison with a broom to sweep him away?

~ Oh, there he is. No broom. No pepper spray. Just a stern look.

~ This whole Luke thing is seriously a piss off. 

~ “So, Hannah, what do you want? This is all up to you.” – Chris Harrison

~ Oh, shut your mouth. Don’t let Luke back on the show in the first place. That’s what she wants.

~ “I don’t want him to be here.” – Hannah

~ Thank God Chris stepped in, I mean it took him long enough.

~ I almost feel bad that they (probably) put Luke up to coming back for the Rose Ceremony.

~ Luke clearly just wanted to extend his stay in Greece.

~ “He has a ring in his pocket right now. He was ready to propose to you.” – Chris

~ He didn’t get the ring on his own. The show obviously gave it to him. What a set-up. Chris is twisting the plot.

~ “We just watched Luke’s shocking return, crashing the Rose Ceremony in Greece.” – Chris

~ Shocking? Crashing? You had someone drive him there and then allowed him in front of the camera, probably while wearing TV makeup that your crew provided.

~ We’re transitioning into The Men Tell All recap in front of the live studio audience and I have no interest in watching.

~ Shoot, Paul SOS. They stopped it for The Men Tell All.

~ That’s my cue.

~ Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put wine in the fridge for next week, see you next Monday!

Next Monday is the finale. Next Tuesday is the two-hour After The Final Rose episode because this season insists on being a dumpster fire until the very end and they need two hours to tell us why we wasted our time.

Sorry if my tone came across as annoyed, but I am annoyed. Cass was great, at least.

Bye.

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How To Clean A Window

Hey, what’s up everybody!? It’s ya boy, Paul E. Wally Windows here to teach you how to get your windows looking clean, pristine, and virtually unseen. So, don’t be a fillet, let’s scrub that dirt today!

WHO’S READY TO WINDOW?

WE’RE READY TO WIN, DOE!

Righteous, that’s the spirit, my windoholics!

The first thing you need to do before cleaning a window is select a window. Do you want a car window? Do you want a bathroom window? Do you want your bedroom window?

The possibilities are endless! It doesn’t even have to be your window! It could be the second window at the McDonald’s drive-thru!

Today, I’m going to teach you how to clean your patio doors from the outside.

But Paul E. Wally Windows, that’s not a window. It’s a door.

False! It’s a sliding door. And you can see through it! Therefore, it’s a window and I can handle it!

First thing you’re going to need is a bucket. Get a bucket. Next thing you need is some dish soap. Put some of it in the bucket. Then fill up the bucket with water.

BAM. SOAPY WATER.

Then you need to find yourself a window washing brush with a long handle, that has a spongy end to it so you can squeeze out all the excess water.

Are you talking about a turkey baster?

NO.

Are you talking about a mop?

NO.

Are you talking about a…

I think it’s pretty clear what I’ve asked for!

Once you have your stuff, head outside! Those windows won’t know what’s coming…until you get there.

Let’s get ready to WINDOWWWW!

Step 1: Using the hose in your backyard, spray your patio windows until they are wetter than a child who fell in a giant puddle during recess because they were chasing a soccer ball and slipped.

Was that you Mr. Paul E. Wally Windows?

NO.

Ok, maybe. IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

Step 2: Dunk your window brush into the soapy water and then start washing the window by starting on the East side of the window, following a North-South, South-North pattern, while slow migrating your way to the Western border.

Once there, you may or may not have to provide documentation to prove that you are only there on a business trip. It may offer you a voucher for a veggie lasagna dinner, but don’t trust it, because IT’S A WINDOW.

DON’T LOSE FOCUS.

Step 3: Repeat Step 2 for the window’s spouse. Patio windows are always married, it seems. They always come with a companion. One slides, the other doesn’t. I think it’s an arranged marriage. I’ve never asked. Anyway, there’s two of them.

Step 4: Oftentimes, these windows like to bicker. So to keep the peace, there is a screen between them. It filters a lot of the nonsense and keeps them from bugging out. To clean the screen, you will use the same motion as Step 2, but do it gentlier.

You mean, “gentler”…

I SAID GENTLIER! NO, WAIT. MORE GENTLIER! DO IT MORE GENTLIER!

The screen is emotionally and physically fragilé (must be Italian) and you don’t want to put a hole through its heart with a window brush. Why? It screened you before you showed up. It knows who you are. Don’t mess with the screen.

I SAID DON’T MESS!

Step 5: Congratulations, windowmaniacs, there is soapy water everywhere! Grab the hose and wash it away!

Looking clean already!

BUT NOT CLEAN ENOUGH!

Do you have standards, or lanyards? Because if you have lanyards, you’re in the wrong place! Here, we have standards! So let’s act like it!

Step 6: Repeat steps 2-5, but with purpose this time.

I SAID WITH PURPOSE!

Step 7: Inspect your work. Is the dirt gone? Did you miss a spot? Is water dripping from above? Is there soot on the bottom, where the door slides?

Would you just really like to spray the window down one more time with the hose because it’s fun?

GO FOR IT!

At this point, you realize you’ve forgotten a few things in the house. You don’t have any windex. You don’t have any towels – of the paper, nor tea, variety.

You look around and realize there is no Tow L. Truck in your backyard, so…

Hey, Mr. Paul E. Wally Windows, do you mean a Tow Truck? Like for cars?

NO. A Tow L. Truck. Like for towels. We’re not cleaning a car window! Get with it!

Step 8: Scream in the house, saying you need towels and windex. Someone will eventually  show up, whether they live there or not.

Step 9: Today, we have paper towels. Rip off a few sheets and get drying! Be sure to get all the drips at the top, all the water at the bottom, as well as the droplets in between. Water is everywhere, so your towel should be too.

Step 10: Gently pass the towel over the screen door. Again, it’s fragilé (must be Italian). It’ll make a few popping sounds, but don’t be alarmed, it’s not making popcorn. You didn’t forget the butter in the house, also. It’s just drying itself. Nothing to worry about.

Step 11: When the windows are as dry as you’re going to get them, get that windex bottle ready to fire. It’s important to do this step quickly after Step 10, so streaks don’t develop.

THERE SHALL BE NO STREAKERS TODAY.

Make sure the wind isn’t blow in your direction, otherwise the windex will come back and hit you in the face. When you’re ready, aim, and fire at the window. A couple sprays at the top, middle, and bottom.

This is an equal opportunity window – each level should have it’s time to shine.

Step 12: Wipe the windex using paper towels.

Step 13: Stand back and admire your work! If there are any runaway drops of water, or windex that wasn’t rubbed in properly, handle it.

I SAID HANDLE IT.

Voila, mes amis, you did it! You cleaned a window!

Feel free to go up to it and make remarks like, “Wow, I can see through it more clearly than before” and “Birds are going to be flying into this, it’s so clean” and “Wait, is it time for lunch?”

And that concludes today’s window washing lesson! Most of you have been wonderful students! The rest of you don’t know what a Tow L. Truck is.

To the window, to the Paul – I’m drying off and signing off!

Thank you for your attention…to detail.

Posted in Fiction, Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

New Twitter

I’ve been using social media for ten years. Sorry, should I have introduced myself before saying that? For some reason, this feels like one of those meetings where you sit in a circle, admit your faults, and try not to get too many cookie crumbs on yourself.

I’m not going to do that, it’s too cliche. I’ll accept cookies, though.

Whenever a social media platform changes their layout, you can always rely on people to complain about it. It’s inevitable. People like negativity. It’s ironic, if you think about it.

Twitter has come a long way from the days of manual retweets. Remember that? You had to copy someone’s tweet, add their @, and then put an “RT” in front of it, all while staying under 140 characters. Such a process.

Might as well have just pulled out the papyrus and quill pen, and sent the message out via passenger pigeon.

And then they took away the Favourite button which was a star and turned it into a Like button with a heart icon, making it Valentine’s Day, every day. What a nightmare.

People complained…about the button changing, not the Valentine’s Day every day thing.

And then they made the square profile picture a circle! Who are we, Humpty Dumpty?

That made people mad because photos should be a square and not cut off at the corners. How dare they force us into a circle? No one puts us in a corner circle!

So, after circle got the square (told you it was Valentine’s Day every day), they started putting our timeline out of order.

*Insert long tangent here about how tweets appearing out of order makes me miss some tweets, or see others more times than I want to*

Then there was the whole thing about how tweets would now be 280 characters, which most people dreaded, but it hasn’t turned out that bad.

Note: These changes may not have happened in this order, but I’m not going to waste my time looking it up. 

I’m getting off topic.

New Twitter came out a few days ago and I was expecting to hate it. I had taken a look at it over the last few weeks, as a preview, and determined it was ridiculous.

Well, hello my name is Paul, and I am the ridiculous one.

*Eats cookies*

I like New Twitter. There, I said it. I like New Twitter.

The main headings being on the left side, rather at the top, is surprisingly refreshing. If I was nitpicking, the Profile button should be at the top of the list, but whatever.

I like how Messages open in a side window, so you can still see other messages coming in while you’re talking to someone.

I like how if you click on a tweet, it takes you to a new page and you can scroll smoothly through the replies.

If this were the first version of Twitter and we didn’t have anything else as reference, I think people would really enjoy it. That’s how I try to view things.

One thing I don’t like is that they took my red colour scheme from me. With Old Twitter, you could pick any colour you wanted for the buttons and hashtags. Now, you have a choice of six.

Blue, Yellow (or is it Gold?), Pink, Purple, Orange, and Green.

The whole reason I had red with Old Twitter, was because I thought the blue was boring and generic.

So, without red to choose from, I needed a new colour. I’ve chosen a colour and will now explain how I selected it.

Let’s start with Green. I tried it out for a few hours and it wasn’t bad, but it’s green. Do I like green? Am I green person? I don’t know. It doesn’t jive with me, though it was a nice change and easy to see.

Orange just reminds me of Halloween and I don’t really care much for Halloween.

Blue was too generic. I can’t do it.

Is the Pink supposed to be half red? Is it a tweener? Am I colour-blind? It’s just a strange colour and I can’t be staring at it all the time thinking about how weird it is.

It just hit me – it’s the colour of Barney.

Yellow (or is it Gold?) is nice, but it’s hard for me to read. It’s one of those bright colours that hits you like a line drive, rather than a lazy fly ball. If you don’t know baseball, that last sentence went right through your glove.

So, all that is just leading me to say that the colour I’ve chosen is Purple. I know, I’m shocked too.

I like purple. Guys can like purple. Fight me. In university, my residence floor colour was purple. We had purple sweaters and bandanas, so that’s left some purple residue in me.

I also had a nice purple/white dress shirt at one point, too.

On Twitter, the colour is just easy on the eyes. I can read it. It’s a warm colour. It says, “Hey, take a nap or have a snack.” I like that. The other colours don’t talk to me like that.

Blue: “Hey, I’m unoriginal.”

Yellow (or is it Gold?): “You like me but I’m hard to read.”

Pink: “You think I’m red, but I’m not red, I’m Barney.”

Orange: “PUMPKIN.”

Green: “I look like your front lawn.”

See, terrible pick-up lines.

If they still offered red, I’d have chosen the red, but they didn’t. They had limited options and I talked myself out of 83.3% of them.

So, purple it is. It’s different. It’s a nice change. I like it. You can judge me, but you’d be wasting your time.

Most people don’t like New Twitter, but they’ll still use it. Two months from now, they won’t even think about the old one. It’s just “in-the-moment” outrage because that’s what everyone does.

Not to end this abruptly, but I’m going to end it abruptly because I’ve run out of words.

Thanks for reading!

Do you like New Twitter? What colour theme did you choose? Are we supposed to tweet forever?

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 10

Hold on to your butts.

I’m flying solo this week, but I don’t recommend you try this at home. Watching this show without a buddy is like being in a horror film and running upstairs as soon as the killer shows up. It’s just stupid.

If Cass does end up joining me at some point, her thoughts will appear in BOLD.

I’m contractually obligated to say that in every post.

I’m not, it’s just habit. This is off the rails, already. Cass, come back.

~ We are in Crete, Greece this week, so they can talk about how great the culture is but never actually explore it.

~ It’s almost as if their stay will be Dis-Crete. HAHA.

~ Peter Pilot is up first and what the goat, they’re on a boat! Again?

~ I’m starting to think they have so many boat dates on this show, just to prevent real people from taking pictures of them.

~ Oh great, we get an extreme close-up of their feet as they lay together. Can we not zoom in on their elbows instead?

~ It’s time for dinner after a long day of exploring Greece! Oh wait, they didn’t.

~ Peter Pilot says he’s never met anyone close to the kind of person Hannah is, and flying with her was like nothing he’s ever experienced.

~ The couch they’re sitting on has about six too many pillows. Like, is it a couch or a pillow convention?

~ While I’m talking about pillows, he tells her he’s in love with her because it’s Episode 10 and this is the time you’re allowed to say it.

~ Hannah pulls out the fantasy suite card, written by Chris Harrison.

~ “Hannah & Peter Pilot, welcome to Greece, home of the whopper. This is your conscience speaking. Take this key to stay the night in the fantasy suite, which will be a room that only has candles, so let your “spark” burn eternal. – Your dawg, Chris Harrisizzle.”

~ Their fantasy suite is in a windmill. Ruh roh. If you’ve done your additional readings, you’ll know what “the windmill” means.

~ It’s the next morning and Hannah says she feels like Aphrodite – “the Greek goddess of Luuuv”.

~ If I knew I’d get the chance to put my Ancient Greek mythology knowledge to use tonight, I would’ve wrapped myself in a bedsheet and called it a toga.

~ I regret not making a Poseidon reference while they were on the boat. Oh well, there will be more boats.

~ Poseidon was the god of the sea, as you may know.

~ Whereas Paulseidon is the god of, “I don’t care, let’s fast forward”.

~ Time for Tyler’s date. He doesn’t look as tall in Greece as he does everyone else in the world. Must be the conversion rate.

~ “Greek god of a man”.

~ They’re exploring Greece by going to a spa to get a massage. Yay, travel!

~ They talk about how Hannah fit in with his family.

~ Hannah tells us that Tyler is that dream guy everyone wants to be with and she’s like, “Woah, he wants to be with me?”

~ This is where Cass would say that if Hannah doesn’t want him, she’s here.

~ The masseuses have left and Tyler is giving Hannah a massage.

~ You know how people make a house a home? They just made this massage room a sauna.

~ BOOM ANALYSIS!

~ Time for dinner and Hannah tells Tyler that she needs more than a physical connection with him.

~ *Insert Cass yelling*

~ Told you last week, she doesn’t take him seriously as the final one.

~ Now they’re hopping on a boat. AGAIN. Is this their fantasy suite? So, a windmill and now a boat. Does Greece not allow them in hotels?

~ It’s the next morning – they have breakfast, Tyler grabs his backpack, and heads off, as Hannah sits on the plank.

~ A backpack? Is Tyler in summer school?

~ I’m restraining myself from calling it a knapsack.

~ Time for Jed. If they get on a boat, I will be Poseid myself. As opposed to beside myself. It’s a joke. Laugh. I SAID LAUGH.

~ “So, we’re gonna take in the culture”.

~ In other words, they’re crashing a family gathering so they can dance and eat with the locals and say they experienced Greek culture.

~ “Together, you looks very beautiful.” – Greek man

~ The family asks if they’re going to get married and she explains that this week is about getting more time with her four boyfriends.

~ This makes Jed feel awkward and he pulls her aside to ask how she could consider being with someone like Luke.

~ Time to activate Paulseidon – the Greek god of fast forwarding.

~ It’s time for dinner and they’re still talking about Luke. Somebody help me.

~ So much for politics, religion, and your girlfriend’s other boyfriends not being appropriate dinner topics.

~ Hannah is frustrated that Jed is questioning her, doesn’t want to explain why she likes Luke anymore, and walks away.

~ I would also like to walk away.

~ Another dinner left untouched. HAVE YE NO HUNGER?

~ Oh, they’ve returned to the dinner table to talk some more. I can’t listen to this.

~ Summoning Paulseidon.

~ The fantasy card has been pulled out. Wow, they actually get a real suite. The living room is a pool!

~ Their bed is the location for the second pillow convention of the episode, attended by about 14 of Greece’s softest.

~ Jed calls this the best sleepover ever. I don’t think either of them have had any food for the last 24 hours. I’m genuinely concerned.

~ Can we slip them some cashews? Saltines? I’ll settle for cheesestrings, even though it’s the most ridiculous snack ever created.

~ Jed also leaves with a backpack. Does he have summer school with Tyler?

~ It’s time for Luke’s date and they are going to Santorini on a helicopter. What, no boat?

~ Hannah went from a boat ride, to a spa, to a family picnic, to a helicopter ride.

I get more of a Greek experience when I get food from Jimmy The Greek. Note: This joke may not be available in your country. 

~ Hannah declares Luke the best kisser.

~ “When I look you in the eyes, I see my future wife.” – Luke, quoting the Jonas Brothers?

~ The first half of this date has gone so well, it’s as if the editors are preparing to drop a bombshell on us.

~ It’s also a harrowing reminder that they’re really good at controlling how each contestant comes across.

~ It’s time for dinner and they make a toast, BUT NEVER EAT ANY TOAST.

~ EAT SOME TOAST. GET SOME NOURISHMENT. YOU SPENT ALL DAY IN THE SUN.

~ Luke wants to talk to her about marriage and how “the marriage bed should be kept pure”.

~ Luke wants to hear her say that she’s saving herself for marriage and isn’t sleeping with the other guys, otherwise he’s going to self-evict.

~ I’m about to climb inside my water bottle and stay there for the next 72 hours until it’s safe.

~ Hannah is mad that he’s questioning and judging her.

~ Now would be a good time for a waiter to show up with food.

~ “Bologna for the gentleman and chicken nuggets for the lady”. – I’m preparing the script for when the waiter finally pops out of the bush.

~ “The closest thing I’ve ever felt to love at first sight was with you.” – Hannah

~ “You’ve broken my heart….and I’ve ignored the red flags.” – Hannah

~ It is now raining. This is pathetic fallacy at its finest. All my school knowledge is coming out tonight.

~ Hannah is just letting.him.have.it.right.now.

I believe that’s how the kids would’ve typed that out.

~ “I do not want you to be my husband.” – Hannah

~ BOOM, you just got Hannah’d!

~ Luke is dejected. D-E…J-E…C-T-E-D…DEJECTED.

~ She wants to walk him out, but he’s not standing up.

~ “It’s over, come on.” – Hannah

~ “Come on. Come on. Why won’t you come on? Here boy. Let’s go. You want the bologna? You want the bologna? Go get the bologna! Come on. Go get it!” – Again, I’m just writing a better script for this show.

~ He feels like she owes him a minute to explain.

~ “I don’t owe you anything at this point, don’t you understand that? I don’t owe you anything, please get up!” – Hannah

~ Luke says he sees a future with her.

~ LOL WHO IS HIS OPTOMETRIST?

~ Cass would be SO over this.

~ Luke is now refusing to get in the limo.

~ Can you be arrested for refusing elimination on The Bachelorette?

~ At this point, his camp councillor needs to just pick him up and carry him away.

~ Still refusing to enter the vehicle, Hannah tells him what she did in the windmill with Peter and that finally convinces him to leave.

~ Luke drives away and Hannah gives him the finger.

~ Hannah goes back to the table to eat her dinner grab her wine.

~ It’s over.

~ Next week on The Bachelorette, Luke crashes the Rose Ceremony and Hannah yells at him.

And then it looks like the episode transitions into the Men Tell All reunion? We’re not making notes on that because our sanity is our main priority. If there’s a recap next week, it’ll just cover the Rose Ceremony.

In two weeks, it’s the finale.

So what’d I miss?

NOT MUCH, JUST EVERYTHING.

Sorry I left you on your own tonight Paul, but thankfully you survived fantasy suite week & recapped it for us all!

Survived and thrived! Barely. Not really. I’m ending this post now.

What are your thoughts on last night’s episode?

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Blue Jays at the Break

I realize that Major League Baseball is back in action after the All-Star break, so do whatever you need to do to make yourself believe this post happened last week and the Toronto Blue Jays are still on a break.

Channel your inner Ross (Atkins) if you have to.

That was a Blue Jays GM and Friends joke for the price of one. Appreciate.

The Blue Jays have a record of 35-59, which includes the three games they played after the All-Star break, which means I’ve made a whole mess out of this “Blue Jays at the Break” premise.

Now that you’re thoroughly confused, I’ll mention that they’re 25.5 games out of first place and have been eliminated from playoff contention since before the season started.

It’s a rebuilding year; I expected this.

When you’re rebuilding, you’re going to lose a lot. Younger players are going to struggle and make mistakes. Games are going to get ugly. It’s hard to watch, at times, but you know it’s a necessary step.

Apparently, a lot of fans don’t understand what “rebuilding” means and feel the need to vent their frustrations on Twitter. I don’t know, it’s like getting mad at a 4-year-old for spilling their drink. There’s really no point.

The season started and it felt like no one on the team could hit anything. It was like they were swinging at a piñata, while wearing a blindfold, except the piñata was moving at 94 MPH.

Then the bats finally got going and they started scoring runs. Yay, hitting! I’m trying to avoid talking about the pitching, if you can’t tell.

Let’s go around the diamond.

Catcher – Danny Jansen: Danny hit the wall, never had it all…for the first three months of the season, but now he does nothing but hit home runs, it seems. His defence has been solid, I can’t complain.

Ten points to whoever caught the song reference.

First Base – Justin Smoak: He’ll probably be traded in the next two weeks.

Second Base – Cavan Biggio: He’s quickly becoming my favourite Blue Jay. Not to toot my own horn, but he plays the game exactly how I used to. Just a smart player who is patient at the plate and gets on base. I think his patience has rubbed off on others.

Shortstop – Freddy Galvis: There was a two-week stretch at the start of the season when no one knew how he wanted his last name pronounced. He’s been a solid veteran for the kids to look up to, but he’s probably getting moved in the next two weeks, as well.

Third Base – Vladimir Guerrero Jr.: How can you not like this kid? He’s 20-years-old, has a million dollar smile, and hit 91 home runs in the Home Run Derby. When I was that age, I was shoving my face into a watermelon for a watermelon eating contest. Surprisingly refreshing.

Left Field – Lourdes Gurriel Jr.: Good Lourdes, what an arm he has. He always looked too tall in the infield, but I don’t think anyone expected him to adapt to the outfield as quickly as he has.

Centre Field – Teoscar Hernandez: I don’t know if he has more to give, or if we’ve seen everything he’s capable of. At times, he feels like a young Edwin Encarnacion who will take a few years to truly find himself, and other times it just feels like we need to move on.

Right Field – Randal Grichuk: The five-year extension he received earlier in the season surprised me, considering his career on-base percentage is .297. He’s a solid defender who will give 20 home runs and 60 rbi each season, which is fine for now, but five years is a long time.

Starting Pitcher – Marcus Stroman: Pretty sure I wrote on this blog two years ago that it was the right time to trade Stroman. But no, the team wanted to milk the fans for every last dollar they could, while living off the nostalgia of the playoff runs with an aging roster. (Their words, not mine). Now, Stroman is about to be traded for prospects.

I get it, and I’ve been all for it for a few years, but I also don’t get it. If he wants to re-sign, why not re-sign him? We have no starting pitching depth walking through that door. Don’t give me the whole, “He’ll be in his thirties by the time this team is back in contention” spiel. Then why not trade him two years ago when I said they should? It just feels like they waited too long and now it makes more sense to keep him.

However, if we can get the kind of return that Tampa Bay got when they traded Chris Archer – Tyler Glasnow and Austin Meadows – you make that trade in 0.1 seconds and don’t second guess it.

Starting Pitcher – Aaron Sanchez: I don’t know what happened to him. He lead the AL in ERA a few years ago and now he’s on the opposite end of that list.

Closer – Ken Giles: I’d love to see us keep him, but he’ll probably get traded as well.

Minor League Shortstop – Bo Bichette: He’s the last of the Guerrero, Biggio, Bichette triumvirate. He’ll be up soon, probably when they move Galvis. Between those three kids and Gurriel Jr., the future is bright. We just need patience and a lot of starting pitching.

Minor League Starting Pitcher – Nate Pearson: He’s just a tower of power of the mound and should be our Ace for the next decade, at least.

The Blue Jays are still in “depth collection” mode, as they should be. Slowly but surely, the young kids of the future are being slotted into their positions around the diamond. It’s not hard to see what the batting order will be two years from now.

I’m never worried about the bullpen because it’s never the same group of guys from month to month, and you can remake it every year.

I am worried about the starting rotation.

Trent Thornton has been good this year, though his ERA and WHIP won’t reflect that.

Maybe Ryan Borucki comes back from his injury and turns into a reliable starter.

Maybe we get some pitching prospects back for Stroman and they turn into something.

Maybe something else (that is good) happens.

It’s just a lot of maybes at the moment, which is fine because it’s a rebuilding season, but also concerning because pitching is kind of important.

Until then, the rebuild carries on, as the Red Sox roll into Boston tonight to hit some balls off of, and over, a really tall green wall.

You may now go back to living in a world where the Blue Jays are no longer on a break.

Merci beaucoup.

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50 Thoughts XXVIII

1. Desk chairs must hate sitting at a desk all day. Some probably wish they were patio furniture, while the free spirit desk chairs want to be folding chairs that travel the world on concert tours.

2. What do you call an old pair of underwear? Calvin De-Klein. Sorry.

3. We’re all powerless against water running down our arm to our elbow.

4. The miniature table on pizza reminds me of the tiny table they have on one-on-one dates on The Bachelor.

5. There needs to be a third variation of the word, bare/bear. “Bare with me” means naked. “Bear with me” still means naked. Bears don’t wear clothes.

5.5 I suggest, “Baer”. Same letters, different order.

6. I always find it awkward when a newscaster reads a tweet on TV and lists off all the hashtags at the end of the tweet. Someone needs to tell them that’s not necessary.

7. Why do Americans love cornhole so much?

7.5 I already regret asking this.

8. Raptors fans were sleeping over at the parade, yet can’t get back to their seat for the start of the third quarter.

8.5 I realize it’s the rich people who aren’t back in their seats and they probably weren’t the ones sleeping outside. Just let me make the point, okay.

9. Shaving two days in a row is the worst.

10. Suit jackets with fake pockets are stupid.

10.5 And don’t start with me about how you have to break the seal yourself.

11. I’m way too excited about the Leafs signing Jason Spezza. Was always a closet fan of his when he was on Ottawa.

12. Carpet is a compound word.

13. My least favourite part of The Price is Right is when the contestants spin the wheel and the host asks if they want to say hi to anyone, so they shoutout their family and friends instead of watching the wheel go around. It drives me nuts.

13.5 I’m mad just writing about it.

14. Every time I watch The Amazing Race I try to think of who my partner would be if I ever went on the show.

15. Trampolines need more of a presence in every day life.

16. To calculate your unofficial age, follow this formula: Your Age – 4 = ?

16.5 The 4 represents the first 4 years of your life, which you hardly remember.

17. I changed my profile picture, so if you see a different photo show up in your notifications, don’t be alarmed, it’s just my face.

18. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is only 20-years-old.

19. I read the other day that millennials don’t use a top sheet on their bed anymore. I must’ve been sleeping under a rock TOP SHEET because I never knew this was up for debate.

20. In thirty years, people won’t sleep on beds anymore. They’ll say the elevation brings them too close to the ceiling, and ceilings never get cleaned, so “ew”, or something.

21. Male politicians who make public appearances, with their sleeves rolled up, are trying to send the message that they’re, “Here to get to work!” but we see it and are like, “Oh, they’re just trying to look like they’re here to get to work.”

21.5. That doesn’t fly anymore. We know the tactics.

22. I really enjoyed Season 3 of Designated Survivor.

23. Don’t tell me “what”. Tell me “why”.

24. There’s way too much outrage/sadness over The Office and Friends eventually leaving Netflix.

25. Montez Ford has a chance to be the most entertaining person in wrestling within the next five years. Remember the name.

26. I’m always bothered when athletes complain about the weather in Toronto in the winter. As if it’s any different from New York, Chicago, Boston, Colorado, Philadelphia, etc.

26.5 I swear they think Canada is the North Pole.

27. I’m currently addicted to granola. I just want to eat it. All the time.

28. I went to a wedding as a kid and there were three forks set up at my spot. I still think about how unnecessary that was.

29. The NBA champion isn’t coming from LA next season.

30. If you watch a horse race on TV and mute the commentary, you realize there isn’t much movement for most of the race.

31. The fourth best player on an NBA team will make more money than the best player on an NHL team.

32. Big Brother needs to cast people who will actually play the game and not just form an alliance with half the house in the first week.

33. Based on pre-show interviews, Kemi was my favourite. I only half regret it because her gameplay is awful, but her attitude in the Diary Room is great.

34. Nicole is now my favourite because she “gets it”, but needs to work fast to organize her side of the house so they can go after the eight-person alliance.

35. Ain’t no sunshine when the blinds are drawn.

36. If you can’t knock their socks off, they’re already barefoot.

37. I have too many blog post ideas and not enough motivation to write them.

38. Do you think someone saw the success of Eminem and was like, “I should call myself Smar Tee or Mint Arrow”?

39. I don’t remember any of the promoted tweets I’ve scrolled past on Twitter.

40. Do animals know they’re in a zoo, or do they think it’s animal prison?

41. When an artist draws something, are they imagining the image in their head, or on the paper in front of them?

42. Social media is not here for the right reasons. It’s a thought-provoking trap. Don’t fall for it.

43. WordPress should have a feature where it lists bloggers who have the same writing style as you.

44. I turn my phone off during the night.

45. I wonder if the first two strangers who became internet friends know they were the first.

46. I’ve been running into a lot of coincidences lately. Like the other day I said “7:13 pm” in a blog post and then on TV I see a digital clock that says “7:13”.

46.5 This happens to me a lot. My mind is from the future.

47. Imagine sports were like movies: “Let’s remake the 1995 MLB season, but with a bigger budget and different actors.”

48. Twenty years from now, the year 2000 will still feel recent.

49. Once you make the switch to red grapes, there’s no going back to green grapes.

50. Someday is always so far away.

Posted in 50 Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 9

Welcome back to your favourite Tuesday tradition. I am Paul, she is Cass, and this is Viewing Notes. Roll the opening, hit the theme song, take one last sip of water.

Sorry, I’m just picturing this in my head as a video production. We should get a theme song though.

Cass’ thoughts will be less off-topic than mine and will appear in BOLD.

It’s hometowns….

I’m not ready for this, you’re not ready for this. Let’s get this started.

~ Hometown numba one is Peter the Pilot.

I’ll bet you anything this date involves aviation.

~ I’m assuming they go flying on this date.

~ He picks her up in his Mercedes, which looks like a product placement.

~ Oh look, he’s taken her to an airport. They must be going snowshoeing.

~ Yeup, we’re flying.

~ Ohhhhhh right. Planes. Of course. Righteo.

He takes her up in a little, tiny private plane and they fly by the Bachelor mansion.

~ “Look, Hannah! It’s the house! The Bachelor house! That’s where I lived! I lived in that house! Yay!” – No one said this, I’m just bored

~ Peter’s parents are in the street, waving at the plane, as it flies over. Oh.

~ The only thing missing from this plane ride is a really big message written in a field for Hannah to read. Didn’t think of that one, did ya, Mr. Pilot?

~ Actually, that’s probably how he’ll propose one day.

~ Time to meet the family – Hannah’s meeting his parents and little brother, Jack.

~ They’ve got a banana yellow colour scheme going on in the house and I want banana pudding now.

~ Hannah’s nose is red again.

~ RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

Only took us nine episodes to make that a thing.

~ Peter looks like he’s 12.

~ “Are you ready for some Cuban food?” – Peter’s mom

~ Are they actually going to eat? I need the cameraman to pan down so I can see the food.

~ Brother Jack pulls Hannah aside to talk, while Peter Pilot talks to his mom in the backyard. This leaves his dad alone with the food!

~ Peter’s mom might be the best parent to ever be roped into appearing on this show.

~ “I’m really in need of a daughter.” – Peter’s mom, to Hannah

~ Peter and his dad are crying together in the backyard and the pillows on their chairs are yellow.

We interrupt these Viewing Notes for a song. Sing along if you know it.

Yo listen up, here’s the story, about a little family that lives in a yellow world, and all day and all night and everything they see is just yellow, like them, inside and outside, yellow their house with a yellow little window, and a yellow seat cushion, and everything is yellow for them, and their walls and everybody around, ’cause they ain’t got nobody to listen…to listen…to listen. They’re yellow and seem really mellow, the son is a nice fellow, they’re yellow and seem really mellow. – “Yellow” (2019)

~ This is what happens when Cass fast forwards.

~ It’s over. Hannah is off to hang out with her other boyfriends.

~ Peter’s street is really wide. Would be perfect for road hockey.

~ Hometown numba two, it’s Tyler time.

~ Basically the only date I actually want to watch tonight.

~ Hannah is in Jupiter, Florida to meet Tyler’s family. Tyler is dressed like he spends seven days a week at an expensive resort.

~ Lots of pastels on his person right now.

~ He’s taking her for a boat ride because…say it with me now….this. show. loves. boats.

~ But first, the application of sunscreen.

~ Can I volunteer for sunscreen time with Tyler? (I’m not even sorry for that one Paul).

~ I’m not even fazed anymore.

~ That’s one freaking nice boat.

~ Tyler points out the house he grew up in, which is right on the water.

~ Hahaha and here I am pretending to be Peter Pilot, pointing out the house he lived in. Gotta love when jokes come to life.

~ Time to meet the family and Tyler sees his dad for the first time since he got sick and almost died.

~ OMG TYLER & HIS DAD RIGHT NOW. 

~ Tyler’s dad reminds me of Seth Hazlitt from Murder, She Wrote. Wonderful character. Not sure anyone will get this reference.

~ Hannah asks Tyler’s brothers if he’s ready to get engaged.

~ I don’t think Hannah takes Tyler seriously, or sees him as someone who could be the final one. Though he’s only 25, he’s probably the most mature guy there.

~ Tyler’s dad says he saw a look on Tyler’s face that told him he might be in love.

~ Hannah keeps asking his family members if Tyler’s ready.

~ Tyler’s dad and Peter’s mom will be inducted into the Bachelorette Parents Hall of Fame.

~ TYLER I’M HERE MARRY ME.

Tyler follows Hannah into her getaway car for more time.

~ How awkward must it be being the driver of these cars.

~ Word on the street (GET IT?) has it that the rear-view mirror covered its eyes.

~ It’s time for Luke’s hometown aka fast forward. 

~ Hannah is with Luke in Gainesville, Georgia. I feel like they go to this town every season.

~ Is it just me or does Luke just look like he could turn into a werewolf at any moment?

~ CASS. BE NICE.

~ Luke brings her to a church group and proceeds to give a speech.

~ How many times are we gonna hear about this shower realization…

~ Hannah is now going around the room to hear people say nice things about Luke because she’s never heard anyone say anything nice about him.

~ Time to meet the family. Dad is named, Mike. Brother is named, Mike. Sister-in-law is named, Hannah. Luke is named, Luke.

~ Luke and Hannah tell them about how Luke has been causing trouble all season. Taylor Swift would write a song about it.

~ OMG, Luke’s family asking, “Why is he here” is literally all of us.

~ Luke’s brother tells Hannah all the good things about Luke.

~ Luke’s dad says Luke is the kind of guy who steps in when two guys are fighting. Oh, the juxtaposition.

~ Hannah seems happier with Luke, than she did with Tyler.

~ I had to skip the rest, I couldn’t.

Time to go on a date with Jed in Knoxville, Tennessee. Is everyone in Tennessee from Knoxville?

~ Hometown four starts with Jed picking Hannah up.

~ Jed admitted early on to coming on this show to further his music career, so of course he takes her to a music studio.

~ Another day, another guitar.

~ To be completely honest, going on this show will do nothing for your music career. No one watching is going to look up your songs.

~ It’s like saying, “Link in bio” and expecting people to click on it.

~ They sing a song together. No, it was not the duet: When You Say Nothing At All.

~ Time to meet the family. Based on the sunlight, it appears to be about 7:13PM.

~ I’m really good at looking outside and knowing what time of day it is. Just tooting my own horn here.

~ Jed’s dad pulls Jed away from dinner at the picnic table to try and understand what this whole process means.

~ “He lived his life before The Bachelorette.” – Jed’s mom

~ Jed’s mom tells Hannah that Jed has a different path for his life right now (music), which is to say he’s not ready to be engaged.

~ WOW, the talk Hannah & Jed’s mom had was a little interesting.

~ This whole family visit is about how Jed cares about his music.

~ Jed’s mom doesn’t think this is realistic. She’s going to get some votes for the Bachelorette Parents Hall of Fame.

~ So this whole hometown is literally all red freaking flags.

~ The hometown visit did not go like Hannah thought it would.

~ “Music”. Drink!

~ It is time for the Rose Ceremony, back at the Bachelor Mansion, where Chris Harrison looks refreshed after not having to do much in recent episodes.

~ Hannah is nervous, but on the surface she also looks nervous so the Eminem lyric doesn’t work here.

~ I really don’t like this green dress this week. 

~ The music for this Rose Ceremony is too dramatic.

~ Peter Pilot gets the first rose.

~ Tyler gets the second rose.

~ Hannah leaves the room to think about her decision, as the guys huddle up.

~ I like how Peter, Jed & Tyler just cluster, leaving Luke out.

~ Chris Harrison tracks Hannah down to get the inside scoop.

~ “I don’t know what to do. I have four great men.” – Hannah

~ Hannah, you do not have four great men…you literally have one & his name is Tyler.

~ Hannah doesn’t feel like she’s had enough time to dive into the relationships and know.

~ Back to the boys chilling & talking shit.

~ Back to the ceremony!

~ She says she can’t give out a final rose, so Chris Harrison brings in two roses, which he HIDES BEHIND HIS BACK.

Chris is earning that paycheque this week.

~ Luke gets a rose.

~ Jed gets a rose.

~ I’M ACTUALLY SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

~ I literally have nothing to say.

~ Jed doesn’t feel good that she had a hard time deciding between him and a “scumbag” like Luke.

Thanks Paul for not letting me go through this alone & thanks for having me back. See you all in Greece next week.

Yes, see you all in Greece as we will be LIVE on location, following the cast around while hiding in folding chairs and behind stop signs and…oh what, that’s not what you meant? TOO LATE, I’m running with it.

Viewing Notes: Road Trip – next week on the blog. It’s gonna get Greece-y.

I am so tired.

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Thank You, Kawhi

It’s okay. Take a deep breath. Don’t panic. There is no need to panic.

At 1:54AM ET this morning, it was announced that Kawhi Leonard is joining the Los Angeles Clippers. About a minute later, we found out that Paul George was being traded from the Oklahoma City Thunder, to join Kawhi in LA.

What the hell is happening?

I looked at my Twitter feed and thought it was a joke. Forget the Kawhi to LA thing, that didn’t even matter to me anymore. When in the world did Paul George become apart of this?

The NBA remains undefeated in off-season chaos and post-midnight announcements. Thou shalt not go to bed early when NBA free agency is in full swing.

Like most Raptors fans/Canadians/NBA fans, I’ve been on Kawhi Watch for the last week. It has been a rollercoaster. Nay, scratch that. It has not been a rollercoaster.

It has been a private jet ride. Literally.

THERE WERE PEOPLE TRACKING A PRIVATE JET, WONDERING IF KAWHI WAS ON IT.

The Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment jet flew to LAX on Wednesday, picked some people up, and flew back to Toronto. Waiting in Toronto at the airport, was a local news helicopter, broadcasting a live feed of whomever got off the plane.

Footage was inconclusive, so we had to revert to the call on the court, which was it was definitely Kawhi Leonard and his representatives.

And then, the news helicopter followed two black SUVs around Toronto. If Kawhi came back, he would’ve ask for a restraining order.

It was the OJ chase, minus the white bronco, and a million other small details, but it was the OJ chase. Crazy. And all the while, the reporters on the broadcast were saying how Kawhi likes his privacy and probably wants to be left alone.

YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY ONES FILMING HIM AS HE NAVIGATES THROUGH TORONTO.

The media is so hypocritical, but they make it sound like everyone else is.

So, as we were tracking flight patterns, or speculating as to why the MLSE jet flew to San Diego yesterday, we were trying not to listen to all the talking heads of the American media who had no clue what was going on, but get paid per word, so they had to say something.

Reporting is dead.

Sources are liars.

Unless it’s official, I don’t believe a thing anyone says anymore.

In the end, I’m okay that Kawhi isn’t coming back to Toronto. I’ve been okay with it since the moment he got here, actually. I trust the Raptors front office no matter what hand they’re dealt.

The fact that Kawhi helped bring us a championship makes this even easier for me. He gave me so many memories that will stay with me forever.

The Raptors won the NBA championship. I got to witness it. I never thought that was possible.

He could’ve come to Toronto last year and said, “You know what, I’m not going to try too hard, I want to stay healthy, and then leave.” He didn’t do that. He gave us everything.

People talk about his “load management” as if he was soft and didn’t want to play. I always felt like most people were missing the point of it. To me, it was always, “If he sits out these games, there’s a 0% chance he gets hurt in them.”

The whole purpose of the regular season was to get him to the playoffs in one piece.

I can’t be mad at him for leaving. He turned a Toronto team into a champion. That will never be taken away from us.

There was talk about OKC trying to trade Paul George and Russell Westbrook to Toronto for a package surrounded around Pascal Siakam and a bunch of draft picks.

I’m so glad we didn’t make that trade. The Clippers had to give up 7 draft picks, Danilo Galinari, and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, just to get George.

The Raptors would’ve had to give up more for both of them, no? Like a decades worth of assets.

Westbrook has already proven to be great at stuffing the stat sheet, but unable to win when it matters. And although George is a great player, if I’m the Raptors, I’m not hitching my wagon to him and Kawhi, knowing both players have already missed a full season due to injury.

The Raptors make smart trades. They don’t just fold under pressure and ship out a bunch of assets because another team is demanding them.

This team doesn’t need to go “all in”. They just won a championship! Plus, they’ve become really good at drafting and developing their own players.

They are not desperate and don’t need an immediate, quick fix like most teams in the league.

I trust Masai Ujiri and the rest of the front office to build this thing back up and make bold moves when they need to.

I said in a blog post a few months ago that if Kawhi leaves for the Clippers, I hope we can get Shai Gilgeous-Alexander back via trade. I think he’s going to be a star. And he’s Canadian, so that doesn’t hurt.

OKC ended up with him; I like that for them.

I’m actual excited for what Kawhi’s departure means for the Raptors. Maybe that’s silly.

Danny Green has moved on to the Lakers, which is understandable. He gets to team up with his old Cavalier teammate, LeBron James. Green was great for this team and was everything they needed.

Also seeing that DeMarcus Cousins is headed to the Lakers, as well. He gets to team up with Anthony Davis again. What a reunion.

As of right now, Norman Powell and OG Anunoby move into the starting lineup and I’m excited about it. I think OG has so much untapped potential. If Kawhi came back, I don’t know if we ever see everything he’s capable of.

Same goes for Powell. Let’s see what they can do as starters. Maybe they each take the next step, like Siakam did.

And I’m just seeing we signed Stanley Johnson, which is a move I really like. He’s a good defender, but still needs to develop his shot – which the Raptors staff is really good at helping players with. See: Siakam, Powell…

This is still a really good team. Are they going to win the championship next season? As currently constructed, probably not. Just being honest.

Everything they learned from Danny and Kawhi, and all the experience they gained in the playoffs, will only help them going forward.

Next season seems to be about, “Let’s see what our young guys can become” and then if you have to trade a Lowry, Ibaka, or Gasol, you do it, and move on with the youth.

No matter what happens, the Raptors will be okay. This isn’t a team that will fall apart just because their best player left.

Don’t get caught up in watching all the superstars jump from team to team. People fall for it every year. A lot of those players get a lot of praise and have never won anything.

The Raptors organization knows what it’s doing and will not be crippled by Kawhi’s departure. Is it setback? Obviously. But it’s not a fatal blow.

And for everything Kawhi helped us achieve on the court this season, he and the rest of the team inspired a bunch of kids to pick up a basketball this summer, which only bodes well for the future of the sport in Canada.

Hey, maybe this is just another step in squashing the whole, “No one wants to play here” narrative which will officially be dead when the NBA is full of Canadians who want nothing more than to play in Toronto.

That day is coming, trust me. So is a team in Vancouver.

Thank you, Kawhi, for everything you brought to Toronto and Canada. Thank you for the laughs, the shot, the championship, and for being a fun guy. I’ll never forget this season.

You had the chance to go home and you did.

I just hope Clippers’ fans get you a Kawhactus. I hear it makes a nice house warming gift.

Aha ha ha ha.

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