50 Thoughts XXVIII

1. Desk chairs must hate sitting at a desk all day. Some probably wish they were patio furniture, while the free spirit desk chairs want to be folding chairs that travel the world on concert tours.

2. What do you call an old pair of underwear? Calvin De-Klein. Sorry.

3. We’re all powerless against water running down our arm to our elbow.

4. The miniature table on pizza reminds me of the tiny table they have on one-on-one dates on The Bachelor.

5. There needs to be a third variation of the word, bare/bear. “Bare with me” means naked. “Bear with me” still means naked. Bears don’t wear clothes.

5.5 I suggest, “Baer”. Same letters, different order.

6. I always find it awkward when a newscaster reads a tweet on TV and lists off all the hashtags at the end of the tweet. Someone needs to tell them that’s not necessary.

7. Why do Americans love cornhole so much?

7.5 I already regret asking this.

8. Raptors fans were sleeping over at the parade, yet can’t get back to their seat for the start of the third quarter.

8.5 I realize it’s the rich people who aren’t back in their seats and they probably weren’t the ones sleeping outside. Just let me make the point, okay.

9. Shaving two days in a row is the worst.

10. Suit jackets with fake pockets are stupid.

10.5 And don’t start with me about how you have to break the seal yourself.

11. I’m way too excited about the Leafs signing Jason Spezza. Was always a closet fan of his when he was on Ottawa.

12. Carpet is a compound word.

13. My least favourite part of The Price is Right is when the contestants spin the wheel and the host asks if they want to say hi to anyone, so they shoutout their family and friends instead of watching the wheel go around. It drives me nuts.

13.5 I’m mad just writing about it.

14. Every time I watch The Amazing Race I try to think of who my partner would be if I ever went on the show.

15. Trampolines need more of a presence in every day life.

16. To calculate your unofficial age, follow this formula: Your Age – 4 = ?

16.5 The 4 represents the first 4 years of your life, which you hardly remember.

17. I changed my profile picture, so if you see a different photo show up in your notifications, don’t be alarmed, it’s just my face.

18. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is only 20-years-old.

19. I read the other day that millennials don’t use a top sheet on their bed anymore. I must’ve been sleeping under a rock TOP SHEET because I never knew this was up for debate.

20. In thirty years, people won’t sleep on beds anymore. They’ll say the elevation brings them too close to the ceiling, and ceilings never get cleaned, so “ew”, or something.

21. Male politicians who make public appearances, with their sleeves rolled up, are trying to send the message that they’re, “Here to get to work!” but we see it and are like, “Oh, they’re just trying to look like they’re here to get to work.”

21.5. That doesn’t fly anymore. We know the tactics.

22. I really enjoyed Season 3 of Designated Survivor.

23. Don’t tell me “what”. Tell me “why”.

24. There’s way too much outrage/sadness over The Office and Friends eventually leaving Netflix.

25. Montez Ford has a chance to be the most entertaining person in wrestling within the next five years. Remember the name.

26. I’m always bothered when athletes complain about the weather in Toronto in the winter. As if it’s any different from New York, Chicago, Boston, Colorado, Philadelphia, etc.

26.5 I swear they think Canada is the North Pole.

27. I’m currently addicted to granola. I just want to eat it. All the time.

28. I went to a wedding as a kid and there were three forks set up at my spot. I still think about how unnecessary that was.

29. The NBA champion isn’t coming from LA next season.

30. If you watch a horse race on TV and mute the commentary, you realize there isn’t much movement for most of the race.

31. The fourth best player on an NBA team will make more money than the best player on an NHL team.

32. Big Brother needs to cast people who will actually play the game and not just form an alliance with half the house in the first week.

33. Based on pre-show interviews, Kemi was my favourite. I only half regret it because her gameplay is awful, but her attitude in the Diary Room is great.

34. Nicole is now my favourite because she “gets it”, but needs to work fast to organize her side of the house so they can go after the eight-person alliance.

35. Ain’t no sunshine when the blinds are drawn.

36. If you can’t knock their socks off, they’re already barefoot.

37. I have too many blog post ideas and not enough motivation to write them.

38. Do you think someone saw the success of Eminem and was like, “I should call myself Smar Tee or Mint Arrow”?

39. I don’t remember any of the promoted tweets I’ve scrolled past on Twitter.

40. Do animals know they’re in a zoo, or do they think it’s animal prison?

41. When an artist draws something, are they imagining the image in their head, or on the paper in front of them?

42. Social media is not here for the right reasons. It’s a thought-provoking trap. Don’t fall for it.

43. WordPress should have a feature where it lists bloggers who have the same writing style as you.

44. I turn my phone off during the night.

45. I wonder if the first two strangers who became internet friends know they were the first.

46. I’ve been running into a lot of coincidences lately. Like the other day I said “7:13 pm” in a blog post and then on TV I see a digital clock that says “7:13”.

46.5 This happens to me a lot. My mind is from the future.

47. Imagine sports were like movies: “Let’s remake the 1995 MLB season, but with a bigger budget and different actors.”

48. Twenty years from now, the year 2000 will still feel recent.

49. Once you make the switch to red grapes, there’s no going back to green grapes.

50. Someday is always so far away.

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 9

Welcome back to your favourite Tuesday tradition. I am Paul, she is Cass, and this is Viewing Notes. Roll the opening, hit the theme song, take one last sip of water.

Sorry, I’m just picturing this in my head as a video production. We should get a theme song though.

Cass’ thoughts will be less off-topic than mine and will appear in BOLD.

It’s hometowns….

I’m not ready for this, you’re not ready for this. Let’s get this started.

~ Hometown numba one is Peter the Pilot.

I’ll bet you anything this date involves aviation.

~ I’m assuming they go flying on this date.

~ He picks her up in his Mercedes, which looks like a product placement.

~ Oh look, he’s taken her to an airport. They must be going snowshoeing.

~ Yeup, we’re flying.

~ Ohhhhhh right. Planes. Of course. Righteo.

He takes her up in a little, tiny private plane and they fly by the Bachelor mansion.

~ “Look, Hannah! It’s the house! The Bachelor house! That’s where I lived! I lived in that house! Yay!” – No one said this, I’m just bored

~ Peter’s parents are in the street, waving at the plane, as it flies over. Oh.

~ The only thing missing from this plane ride is a really big message written in a field for Hannah to read. Didn’t think of that one, did ya, Mr. Pilot?

~ Actually, that’s probably how he’ll propose one day.

~ Time to meet the family – Hannah’s meeting his parents and little brother, Jack.

~ They’ve got a banana yellow colour scheme going on in the house and I want banana pudding now.

~ Hannah’s nose is red again.

~ RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

Only took us nine episodes to make that a thing.

~ Peter looks like he’s 12.

~ “Are you ready for some Cuban food?” – Peter’s mom

~ Are they actually going to eat? I need the cameraman to pan down so I can see the food.

~ Brother Jack pulls Hannah aside to talk, while Peter Pilot talks to his mom in the backyard. This leaves his dad alone with the food!

~ Peter’s mom might be the best parent to ever be roped into appearing on this show.

~ “I’m really in need of a daughter.” – Peter’s mom, to Hannah

~ Peter and his dad are crying together in the backyard and the pillows on their chairs are yellow.

We interrupt these Viewing Notes for a song. Sing along if you know it.

Yo listen up, here’s the story, about a little family that lives in a yellow world, and all day and all night and everything they see is just yellow, like them, inside and outside, yellow their house with a yellow little window, and a yellow seat cushion, and everything is yellow for them, and their walls and everybody around, ’cause they ain’t got nobody to listen…to listen…to listen. They’re yellow and seem really mellow, the son is a nice fellow, they’re yellow and seem really mellow. – “Yellow” (2019)

~ This is what happens when Cass fast forwards.

~ It’s over. Hannah is off to hang out with her other boyfriends.

~ Peter’s street is really wide. Would be perfect for road hockey.

~ Hometown numba two, it’s Tyler time.

~ Basically the only date I actually want to watch tonight.

~ Hannah is in Jupiter, Florida to meet Tyler’s family. Tyler is dressed like he spends seven days a week at an expensive resort.

~ Lots of pastels on his person right now.

~ He’s taking her for a boat ride because…say it with me now….this. show. loves. boats.

~ But first, the application of sunscreen.

~ Can I volunteer for sunscreen time with Tyler? (I’m not even sorry for that one Paul).

~ I’m not even fazed anymore.

~ That’s one freaking nice boat.

~ Tyler points out the house he grew up in, which is right on the water.

~ Hahaha and here I am pretending to be Peter Pilot, pointing out the house he lived in. Gotta love when jokes come to life.

~ Time to meet the family and Tyler sees his dad for the first time since he got sick and almost died.

~ OMG TYLER & HIS DAD RIGHT NOW. 

~ Tyler’s dad reminds me of Seth Hazlitt from Murder, She Wrote. Wonderful character. Not sure anyone will get this reference.

~ Hannah asks Tyler’s brothers if he’s ready to get engaged.

~ I don’t think Hannah takes Tyler seriously, or sees him as someone who could be the final one. Though he’s only 25, he’s probably the most mature guy there.

~ Tyler’s dad says he saw a look on Tyler’s face that told him he might be in love.

~ Hannah keeps asking his family members if Tyler’s ready.

~ Tyler’s dad and Peter’s mom will be inducted into the Bachelorette Parents Hall of Fame.

~ TYLER I’M HERE MARRY ME.

Tyler follows Hannah into her getaway car for more time.

~ How awkward must it be being the driver of these cars.

~ Word on the street (GET IT?) has it that the rear-view mirror covered its eyes.

~ It’s time for Luke’s hometown aka fast forward. 

~ Hannah is with Luke in Gainesville, Georgia. I feel like they go to this town every season.

~ Is it just me or does Luke just look like he could turn into a werewolf at any moment?

~ CASS. BE NICE.

~ Luke brings her to a church group and proceeds to give a speech.

~ How many times are we gonna hear about this shower realization…

~ Hannah is now going around the room to hear people say nice things about Luke because she’s never heard anyone say anything nice about him.

~ Time to meet the family. Dad is named, Mike. Brother is named, Mike. Sister-in-law is named, Hannah. Luke is named, Luke.

~ Luke and Hannah tell them about how Luke has been causing trouble all season. Taylor Swift would write a song about it.

~ OMG, Luke’s family asking, “Why is he here” is literally all of us.

~ Luke’s brother tells Hannah all the good things about Luke.

~ Luke’s dad says Luke is the kind of guy who steps in when two guys are fighting. Oh, the juxtaposition.

~ Hannah seems happier with Luke, than she did with Tyler.

~ I had to skip the rest, I couldn’t.

Time to go on a date with Jed in Knoxville, Tennessee. Is everyone in Tennessee from Knoxville?

~ Hometown four starts with Jed picking Hannah up.

~ Jed admitted early on to coming on this show to further his music career, so of course he takes her to a music studio.

~ Another day, another guitar.

~ To be completely honest, going on this show will do nothing for your music career. No one watching is going to look up your songs.

~ It’s like saying, “Link in bio” and expecting people to click on it.

~ They sing a song together. No, it was not the duet: When You Say Nothing At All.

~ Time to meet the family. Based on the sunlight, it appears to be about 7:13PM.

~ I’m really good at looking outside and knowing what time of day it is. Just tooting my own horn here.

~ Jed’s dad pulls Jed away from dinner at the picnic table to try and understand what this whole process means.

~ “He lived his life before The Bachelorette.” – Jed’s mom

~ Jed’s mom tells Hannah that Jed has a different path for his life right now (music), which is to say he’s not ready to be engaged.

~ WOW, the talk Hannah & Jed’s mom had was a little interesting.

~ This whole family visit is about how Jed cares about his music.

~ Jed’s mom doesn’t think this is realistic. She’s going to get some votes for the Bachelorette Parents Hall of Fame.

~ So this whole hometown is literally all red freaking flags.

~ The hometown visit did not go like Hannah thought it would.

~ “Music”. Drink!

~ It is time for the Rose Ceremony, back at the Bachelor Mansion, where Chris Harrison looks refreshed after not having to do much in recent episodes.

~ Hannah is nervous, but on the surface she also looks nervous so the Eminem lyric doesn’t work here.

~ I really don’t like this green dress this week. 

~ The music for this Rose Ceremony is too dramatic.

~ Peter Pilot gets the first rose.

~ Tyler gets the second rose.

~ Hannah leaves the room to think about her decision, as the guys huddle up.

~ I like how Peter, Jed & Tyler just cluster, leaving Luke out.

~ Chris Harrison tracks Hannah down to get the inside scoop.

~ “I don’t know what to do. I have four great men.” – Hannah

~ Hannah, you do not have four great men…you literally have one & his name is Tyler.

~ Hannah doesn’t feel like she’s had enough time to dive into the relationships and know.

~ Back to the boys chilling & talking shit.

~ Back to the ceremony!

~ She says she can’t give out a final rose, so Chris Harrison brings in two roses, which he HIDES BEHIND HIS BACK.

Chris is earning that paycheque this week.

~ Luke gets a rose.

~ Jed gets a rose.

~ I’M ACTUALLY SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

~ I literally have nothing to say.

~ Jed doesn’t feel good that she had a hard time deciding between him and a “scumbag” like Luke.

Thanks Paul for not letting me go through this alone & thanks for having me back. See you all in Greece next week.

Yes, see you all in Greece as we will be LIVE on location, following the cast around while hiding in folding chairs and behind stop signs and…oh what, that’s not what you meant? TOO LATE, I’m running with it.

Viewing Notes: Road Trip – next week on the blog. It’s gonna get Greece-y.

I am so tired.

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Thank You, Kawhi

It’s okay. Take a deep breath. Don’t panic. There is no need to panic.

At 1:54AM ET this morning, it was announced that Kawhi Leonard is joining the Los Angeles Clippers. About a minute later, we found out that Paul George was being traded from the Oklahoma City Thunder, to join Kawhi in LA.

What the hell is happening?

I looked at my Twitter feed and thought it was a joke. Forget the Kawhi to LA thing, that didn’t even matter to me anymore. When in the world did Paul George become apart of this?

The NBA remains undefeated in off-season chaos and post-midnight announcements. Thou shalt not go to bed early when NBA free agency is in full swing.

Like most Raptors fans/Canadians/NBA fans, I’ve been on Kawhi Watch for the last week. It has been a rollercoaster. Nay, scratch that. It has not been a rollercoaster.

It has been a private jet ride. Literally.

THERE WERE PEOPLE TRACKING A PRIVATE JET, WONDERING IF KAWHI WAS ON IT.

The Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment jet flew to LAX on Wednesday, picked some people up, and flew back to Toronto. Waiting in Toronto at the airport, was a local news helicopter, broadcasting a live feed of whomever got off the plane.

Footage was inconclusive, so we had to revert to the call on the court, which was it was definitely Kawhi Leonard and his representatives.

And then, the news helicopter followed two black SUVs around Toronto. If Kawhi came back, he would’ve ask for a restraining order.

It was the OJ chase, minus the white bronco, and a million other small details, but it was the OJ chase. Crazy. And all the while, the reporters on the broadcast were saying how Kawhi likes his privacy and probably wants to be left alone.

YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY ONES FILMING HIM AS HE NAVIGATES THROUGH TORONTO.

The media is so hypocritical, but they make it sound like everyone else is.

So, as we were tracking flight patterns, or speculating as to why the MLSE jet flew to San Diego yesterday, we were trying not to listen to all the talking heads of the American media who had no clue what was going on, but get paid per word, so they had to say something.

Reporting is dead.

Sources are liars.

Unless it’s official, I don’t believe a thing anyone says anymore.

In the end, I’m okay that Kawhi isn’t coming back to Toronto. I’ve been okay with it since the moment he got here, actually. I trust the Raptors front office no matter what hand they’re dealt.

The fact that Kawhi helped bring us a championship makes this even easier for me. He gave me so many memories that will stay with me forever.

The Raptors won the NBA championship. I got to witness it. I never thought that was possible.

He could’ve come to Toronto last year and said, “You know what, I’m not going to try too hard, I want to stay healthy, and then leave.” He didn’t do that. He gave us everything.

People talk about his “load management” as if he was soft and didn’t want to play. I always felt like most people were missing the point of it. To me, it was always, “If he sits out these games, there’s a 0% chance he gets hurt in them.”

The whole purpose of the regular season was to get him to the playoffs in one piece.

I can’t be mad at him for leaving. He turned a Toronto team into a champion. That will never be taken away from us.

There was talk about OKC trying to trade Paul George and Russell Westbrook to Toronto for a package surrounded around Pascal Siakam and a bunch of draft picks.

I’m so glad we didn’t make that trade. The Clippers had to give up 7 draft picks, Danilo Galinari, and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, just to get George.

The Raptors would’ve had to give up more for both of them, no? Like a decades worth of assets.

Westbrook has already proven to be great at stuffing the stat sheet, but unable to win when it matters. And although George is a great player, if I’m the Raptors, I’m not hitching my wagon to him and Kawhi, knowing both players have already missed a full season due to injury.

The Raptors make smart trades. They don’t just fold under pressure and ship out a bunch of assets because another team is demanding them.

This team doesn’t need to go “all in”. They just won a championship! Plus, they’ve become really good at drafting and developing their own players.

They are not desperate and don’t need an immediate, quick fix like most teams in the league.

I trust Masai Ujiri and the rest of the front office to build this thing back up and make bold moves when they need to.

I said in a blog post a few months ago that if Kawhi leaves for the Clippers, I hope we can get Shai Gilgeous-Alexander back via trade. I think he’s going to be a star. And he’s Canadian, so that doesn’t hurt.

OKC ended up with him; I like that for them.

I’m actual excited for what Kawhi’s departure means for the Raptors. Maybe that’s silly.

Danny Green has moved on to the Lakers, which is understandable. He gets to team up with his old Cavalier teammate, LeBron James. Green was great for this team and was everything they needed.

Also seeing that DeMarcus Cousins is headed to the Lakers, as well. He gets to team up with Anthony Davis again. What a reunion.

As of right now, Norman Powell and OG Anunoby move into the starting lineup and I’m excited about it. I think OG has so much untapped potential. If Kawhi came back, I don’t know if we ever see everything he’s capable of.

Same goes for Powell. Let’s see what they can do as starters. Maybe they each take the next step, like Siakam did.

And I’m just seeing we signed Stanley Johnson, which is a move I really like. He’s a good defender, but still needs to develop his shot – which the Raptors staff is really good at helping players with. See: Siakam, Powell…

This is still a really good team. Are they going to win the championship next season? As currently constructed, probably not. Just being honest.

Everything they learned from Danny and Kawhi, and all the experience they gained in the playoffs, will only help them going forward.

Next season seems to be about, “Let’s see what our young guys can become” and then if you have to trade a Lowry, Ibaka, or Gasol, you do it, and move on with the youth.

No matter what happens, the Raptors will be okay. This isn’t a team that will fall apart just because their best player left.

Don’t get caught up in watching all the superstars jump from team to team. People fall for it every year. A lot of those players get a lot of praise and have never won anything.

The Raptors organization knows what it’s doing and will not be crippled by Kawhi’s departure. Is it setback? Obviously. But it’s not a fatal blow.

And for everything Kawhi helped us achieve on the court this season, he and the rest of the team inspired a bunch of kids to pick up a basketball this summer, which only bodes well for the future of the sport in Canada.

Hey, maybe this is just another step in squashing the whole, “No one wants to play here” narrative which will officially be dead when the NBA is full of Canadians who want nothing more than to play in Toronto.

That day is coming, trust me. So is a team in Vancouver.

Thank you, Kawhi, for everything you brought to Toronto and Canada. Thank you for the laughs, the shot, the championship, and for being a fun guy. I’ll never forget this season.

You had the chance to go home and you did.

I just hope Clippers’ fans get you a Kawhactus. I hear it makes a nice house warming gift.

Aha ha ha ha.

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Back Pain is a Pain

I don’t know if you’ve ever had to carry something heavy. Maybe a mini fridge. Maybe one of those fat back televisions from 2006. Maybe your group members for a school project. Maybe the weight of the world. Maybe a dozen pizza boxes for a Super Bowl party.

Regardless, any of the above could give you back pain. Do we agree? Great.

A few weeks ago, I found myself battling some intense back pain. What caused it, you ask? Alright, I’m going to say it once…and then I’ll repeat it later. Follow along.

So, I was sitting on the couch. Can you picture it? And then I stood up. Still with me here? And then I stretched my arms to the sky like a toddler waking up from a nap.

BAM!

Pain all over the upper east side of my back.

I should mention that I’ve never seriously injured myself before.

I’ve torn ligaments in my fingers, taken a line drive off my shin playing softball, been kicked in the face and punched in the nose by children, pulled muscles, and had wisdom teeth taken out, but nothing seriously painful.

This newfound pain in my back was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Right around the right shoulder blade was the root of the problem. I felt paralyzed.

I couldn’t turn my head to the right. I couldn’t tilt it down – my chin could not reach my chest. Do that right now. See how easy it is? Don’t take it for granted.

I was in a world of hurt, all because I stood up and stretched my arms in the air. I didn’t even do it aggressively! What the heck!? This doesn’t happen to me.

The closest I’ve ever felt to that kind of pain was the day after my Grade 7 cross-country ski trip because I had spent the whole time falling all over the trail. That trail was the longer one of the two we could choose from. I took it by accident.

I still remember finally returning to the lodge for lunch and people asking me, “Where have you been?” Then I bought french fries because I felt like I earned them.

But that was just soreness all over my body. I could power through.

This back pain, however, was stabbing me up and down from the inside. It would spread to my neck and poke its head through to my left shoulder. I needed to put up barricades to contain it.

I went up to my room to lie on my back. You know how slowly I had to ease myself down on the bed? It hurt so much. I finally ended up with an ice pack and put it under my back.

At that point, I was wondering if I need a hospital, chiropractor, or divine intervention. Do I need to be re-aligned? What does that even mean? I just want to be centred again, like the title on a Microsoft Word document.

In order to look to my right, I had to turn to my left and spin around 270 degrees. Try that right now.

But Paul, you could’ve just moved your feet to look to your right!

You know what, let me be dramatic!

The ice brought the pain down a bit, but I was still sore and lacking mobility. I’m sure some of you want to chime in by saying I should’ve used a heating pad, but we can’t go back in time now, can we?

In the days following my back pain, my mom, cousin, and grandmother all developed the same issue! It spread like wildfire!

Back pain is contagious, y’all. It spreads via genetics.

I don’t care if your relative lives three hours away and you never talk to them, their back pain will soon be your back pain. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

After a couple of days of applying ice to my back and neck, I was finally able to look to my right without having to spin around 270 degrees. I could also touch my chest with my chin again.

I could still feel mild pain for a couple of weeks after the initial incident and applied ice just to be safe.

Also, an ice pack on your back feels pretty good in the summer months. 10/10 – would ice it again.

I think I’m back to normal now, but it was scary at first.

You don’t always realize how lucky you are to have a healthy body and the moment something happens and your ability to do something as small as look to your right gets taken from you – it hits you.

So, that’s my story about getting back pain by standing up and stretching my arms in the air.

The lesson here is to stay seated on your couch. Nothing bad can happen if you don’t stand up. This is why they always made us sit in school, probably.

Have you ever had back pain? Have you ever injured yourself in a strange way? General thoughts on anything I wrote? 

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 43 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 8

I find myself in a Canadian conundrum. Do I wish you a “Happy Canada Day!” because I’m writing this on July 1st, or do I not wish you anything because it won’t be posted until July 2nd? Well, since two Canadians are writing this post, I’m just going to go ahead and say it.

YABBA DABBA DOO!

Ohh sorry, wrong holiday. Wrong blog post. Don’t ask. Let’s try that again…

Happy Canada Day!…or as our American readers call it, the First of July! I hope your syrup was sweet, but not too much – don’t want your pet beaver getting a cavity.

I’m going to shut up now and throw this over to my fellow Canadian, Cass, so we can get this moose on the road. Her comments will appear in BOLD.

Last week before hometowns, last week hanging out in Europe. Let’s do this, Paul. 

~ We are in the Netherlands and Hannah is walking through a field of roses. She sounds like her nose is plugged and her voice is going…going…almost gone.

~ Is it just me or does Hannah sound sick?

~ “Are you okay, you sound like you’re a little sick?”

~ We knew it! Dr. Paul and Dr. Cass on the case.

~ There are seven guys left. Only four will remain by the end of the night.

~ Jed is getting the first date. They go buy some chocolates, skip down the sidewalk, and then end up on a boat because this show loves boats.

~ Knowing what we know, Jed sucks.

~ Now we get our annual, “We’re just sitting down at a table, getting advice from a local couple who have been married for decades” staged bit.

~ The fact they are talking to this little old couple is cute, but not, ’cause I hate you, Jed.

~ Back at the hotel, Tyler finds out he’s going on the second date.

~ Jed and Hannah are at dinner tiny table time. Dinner would give the impression that they actually ate the food in front of them.

~ Hannah has really been rocking the suit sets this season. 

~ SHE JUST TOLD JED SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM. WHAT? THERE ARE SEVEN GUYS LEFT! YOU CAN’T DO THAT.

~ “I feel the same way and I’m…yeah, falling in love with you.” – Jed, wordsmith

~ I need to fast-forward, I can’t listen to this. 

~ Hannah just broke about 37 unwritten rules of this show.

~ Can we redo this scene? I’m not convinced they know more than four things about each other.

~ SOMEONE WAKE CHRIS HARRISON UP FROM HIS NAP TO INTERRUPT THIS.

~ Time for her date with Tyler and they’re going horseback riding on the sidewalk.

~ Oh, hi Tyler.

~ Hannah’s horse isn’t stopping for waffles on the street, but Tyler’s horse stops so he can get ice cream.

~ These horses right now are making this date.

~ They’ve parked the horses, so they can sit on a bench and talk.

~ It’s tiny table time again and they talk about how communication is important.

~ Tyler is really holding back from telling her how much he hates Luke. 

~ Tyler gets a rose. Oh, I guess Jed got a rose on his date, too. I was distracted.

~ Tyler says he’s falling in love with her. She says nothing back.

~ Mike is getting the next one-on-one date.

~ Connor is mad he’s going on another group date. His one-on-one date earlier in the season was when Hannah was sick and he brought her soup.

~ Connor is now going to Hannah’s hotel room to talk to her. Nothing good will come of this.

~ What is with these boys just showing up to Hannah’s hotel room unannounced? I would be pissed if that was happening to me. 

~ I wonder if she looked through the peephole and was like, “Ughhh now I have to pretend to be happy to see him.”

~ She tells him he’s faded on group dates.

~ This is like a really bad performance review.

~ Hannah says he should’ve done this weeks ago when she was like, “Where’s Connor on these dates?”

~ So she’s kept him around all this time for what reason?

~ Now she’s giving the, “There are other relationships that I have stronger feelings with” speech.

~ So I guess Connor is going home…

~ Connor is going home.

~ I wonder how much the producers influenced Connor to go talk to her, knowing she’d send him home. Four people on the group date later would’ve been too much.

~ Time for Mike’s date. They are going to roam around on bikes. “Bike with Mike”, she says.

~ Next week, they go “Tan-nah with Hannah”.

~ They’ve ended up at an art studio and are going to draw each other. Hannah draws Mike, but it looks like a clown.

~ I would be awful at this. They say people who can’t dance have two left feet. Well I have two left hands because I can’t draw.

I should do a blog series where you request me to draw something and I do it, and post the picture. Paulo Picasso Presents….

~ A professional is now drawing a portrait of them.

~ Wait what? All of a sudden they’re talking on a bridge. Do we not get to see the final art product?

~ AHHH, Mike is literally the sweetest.

~ Mike keeps talking to the camera about potentially proposing to her.

~ This is a very disjointed episode, they’re trying to cram so much in.

~ Hannah is now staring at art on a wall and bawling her eyes out because maybe the artwork reflects her current situation? I don’t know. I don’t get paid to analyze art.

~ So, she’s all ready for dinner & she’s standing there crying, this can’t be good. TURN AROUND, MIKE.

~ Mike joins her for tiny table time. She is still crying.

~ Hannah says there was a painting that encompasses everything she’s going through. Wow. Maybe I should get paid to analyze art!

~ Sponsors, can you hear me?

~ Hannah is crying even harder now as she informs Mike that she is not going to be the fourth lady in his life.

~ Note: Mike has three important women in his life and was looking for a fourth.

~ Hannah sending Mike home is literally breaking my heart.

~ He was clearly the only one who was here for the right reasons. 

~ #MikeForBachelor

~ I need a cry break – give me 5.

~ Did Hannah just realize over the course of this date that her and Mike weren’t meant to be? What about the last seven weeks?

~ Where is Chris Harrison to ask the tough questions?

~ Back at the hotel: “We got a 5 foot 8 villain” – Tyler talking about Luke.

~ While they argue, Mike’s suitcase gets removed from the hotel room. The guys blame Luke for Mike’s departure.

~ Jed & Tyler giving a little pre-group date pep talk is what I need before work tomorrow.  

~ Garrett, Peter Pilot, and Luke are going on the group date. Garrett says, “the bad guy is going home.” Oh, so that means Luke is staying. Thank you, editing.

~ They sit in front of a table of fruit and deli meats. Luke steals Hannah away, leaving the other two with the food!!!!

~ “Do you want to steal the two roses & run?” – at least Pete & Garrett are trying to make light of this.

~ Luke immediately starts talking about what the other guys have been saying to him.

~ Luke throwing the guys under the bus less than two seconds into his “talk”.

~ Hannah doesn’t know why people won’t be nice to Luke.

~ This show has been on TV since 1835 and every season, there is one person who the group doesn’t like, but the lead person does. And the lead is always like, “What do they see that I don’t?” EVERYTHING. THEY SEE EVERYTHING.

~ The same storylines pop up every season, it’s just a different cast.

~ Hannah is now confronting Garrett about his comments toward Luke.

~ Garrett now confronts Luke about I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE.

~ So, this little argument between Garrett & Luke is pretty freaking ridiculous. 

~ These people go on this show to “fall in love” with someone they have limited time with and then they spend their time talking about HER OTHER BOYFRIENDS.

~ I’m sure they talk about other stuff, but the show never lets us see it. It would be refreshing if we had a season where we got to know everyone rather than watching them talk about each other.

~ I’m taking this way too seriously.

~ Luke is now standing over Garrett and yelling in his face.

Luke just dropped a pile of bologna on Garrett. Oh, he done did it now.

~ Phony bologna?

~ That bologna deserved a better life.

~ Next week, the Deli Meat of America sends in its heavy artillery for revenge in an episode called: Revenge of the Mortadella.

That’s the best I could do. I’ve lost all my energy to be funny.

~ Oh wait, now Luke & Pete are arguing. 

~ Peter Pilot is talking to Hannah now and overuses the word, “like”.

~ Hannah gives the first rose to Peter Pilot.

~ OMG Tyler jumping on Pete when he gets back to the hotel. #priceless

~ The night portion is a 2-on-1 with Garrett and Luke. Yeah, they definitely encouraged Connor to go talk to Hannah so she could send him home. I can’t picture this being a 3-on-1 right now.

~ Luke talks to Hannah about his faith. Some would call this a last ditch Hail Mary to score some points.

~ Garrett tells Hannah he loves her.

~ It’s time for Hannah to decide which voice in her head she will keep alive.

~ Luke is getting the rose ahahahahahahaha, I told you this would happen about half an hour ago.

~ HOLY SHIT, LUKE P. OVER GARRETT.

~ I AM JUST SO DONE WITH THIS DAMN SHOW. 

~ I honestly shouldn’t be as shocked as I am, but like I’m shook.

~ Garrett might be the only person in this show’s history to wear a seatbelt in the car as he’s sent home.

~ The guys at the hotel are mad.

Peter Pilot, Jed, Tyler, and Luke will bring Hannah home to meet their families next week.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go mourn the loss of Connor, Mike, & Garrett (3 of my top 5 for this season)…..

And I need to go feed my pet beaver, or something.

What are your thoughts on last night’s episode? Let us know below.

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Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 7

Last week on Viewing Notes, we had a recap to recap the recap which recapped a series a of events that didn’t need recapping. This week, we’re going to bungee jump right into the action. I already regret my choice of words.

I’m joined again by Cass because neither of us can stop watching this dumpster fire journey to find love. Her thoughts will appear in BOLD.

Another week has come & gone, it’s Bachelorette time!

~ We are in Riga, Latvia, as evidenced by the eleventy hundred establishing shots the editors threw in.

~ The guys check in to their hotel suite, which means they have to immediately jump on the beds. Every time, never fails.

~ That is one way too modern hotel for Europe.

~ Rule for tonight: If the guys are sitting together and talking about anything, I’m fast-forwarding.

~ Tyler putting Luke in his place right now is the best way to start this.

~ Garrett is going on a one-on-one date.

Luke is jealous, but doesn’t think Garrett will get a rose. He “knows for a fact that no guy here feels about Hannah” the way he does.

~ NO LUKE YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT FOR A FACT, SHUT IT.

~ I’d honestly pay money to punch Luke in the face, just saying. 

THE SPONSORS CASS, THE SPON….oh what’s the point, the dream is dead. DEAD.

~ Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “Welcome to Lativa!” NO HANNAH. NO.

~ They are in the woods. Garrett stares into a bunch of trees and says, “This is incredible, huh?”

~ Okay, he gets no more dates.

~ They witness a naked couple bungee jumping out of a cable car. And guess what!? They’re gonna do it too! Wow! WHO saw that coming?

~ “Explore Latvia” was a euphemism, right?

~ So, naked bungee jumping….what a way to start this episode off.

~ Oh great, they’re meeting the naked couple now.

~ This is the Naked And Afraid crossover we never wanted.

~ They have boarded the cable car in their robes.

~ The clothes have come off and away they jump, while wrapped in each others arms. If this doesn’t warrant a roundtable chat back at the house, nothing will.

~ They probably wore underwear, but the show still put a black box over their uhh areas. What am I even writing?

~ Sitting by a fire to get warm, they’re wearing robes again. Clothes are now optional on this show.

~ “I feel closer” – DUH you both just jumped naked.

~ It is time for dinner and Garrett gives a toast to all the “great sights” Latvia offered today. I told you “Explore Latvia” was a euphemism.

~ Dinner dates on this show would be more interesting if they ate the food and talked about it.

~ Back at the house, Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, and Dylan are going on the group date. Peter Pilot is getting a one-on-one.

~ If you haven’t had a one-on-one yet, why haven’t you self-evicted?

~ Garrett gets a rose.

~ Oh look, there’s a random cello player on an empty street/sidewalk? and they stop to dance.

~ “Always dancing, never eating” is the new tagline for this show.

~ Back at the house, Garrett tells them about the naked bungee jump. Garrett re-enacts how he and Hannah were positioned.

~ “Who would wanna be naked with that guy?” – Luke

~ “I can’t wait to have a normal date with seven men, which is not normal.” – Hannah

~ They are roaming the streets of Riga because Hannah spent yesterday in the woods.

~ They’re in a food market, EATING AND TALKING ABOUT FOOD. They finally listened to me!

~ LOL Luke just complained about sharing her while on the group date.

~ Moonshine, pickles, and cheese…all the Latvian classics. Meanwhile, Tyler buys her flowers.

~ Tyler just melts my heart. 

~ Story Time with Hannah The Tank Engine (because they’re on a train): she tells them about the naked bungee jump date.

~ Luke feels uncomfortable that Hannah exposed her body to someone that isn’t her husband, but hasn’t told her yet.

~ Time for the night portion and Tyler and Hannah…uhhh…yup. This show does not think of the children.

~ Jed, I don’t like you right now. Stop playing the piano. 

~ Luke is telling Hannah that he felt uncomfortable hearing about her and Garrett being naked together.

~ “I felt like it was a slap in my face.” – Luke

~ Tyler is getting the group date rose and Luke is shocked it’s not him.

~ Time for Peter Pilot’s date. They are also in the woods and arrive at a house for a Latvian-style spa day.

~ Peter Pilot is wearing a wreath on his head, but it looks like a really big salad.

~ Hey Paul, Hannah’s nose is red again.

~ Why yes, it is. (Ahem…you know we can’t talk about this publicly, Cass)

~ The spa people are having them cleanse each other with plants and Hannah feels like she just got caught in a tornado in Alabama.

~ Translation: They are whacking each other with tree branches.

~ And off come the robes as they enter the sauna. The spa people come with them. There’s also a cameraman in there. Do they all want to share sweat?

~ The spa people finally leave and Hannah and Peter climb all over each other.

~ WHAT JUST HAPPENED…Did he seriously awkwardly just push her back down like that?

~ WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

This show is going to have an 11pm start time if they’re not careful.

~ This is awkward to watch…

~ Think of the cameraman. 

~ When that cameraman gets home and his wife asks what he did in Latvia, what does he say?

~ “I was third wheel in a sauna.”

~ Now they’re in a hot tub outside and Latvia continues to uhh, get explored.

~ Time for dinner and Hannah reveals she’s an introvert.

~ “I really am falling for you.” – Peter Pilot

~ Every time I type “Peter Pilot” I think of Reader Rabbit.

~ I’m trying to see what food is on their plate. Kinda looks like a waffle with strawberries, but it could be a puddle of apple sauce with radishes.

~ This show should release a food menu before every episode.

~ Peter gets a rose and they go outside to watch fireworks.

~ We have forty minutes left and all the dates are done.

~ Peter reports back to the guys and Jed takes off to find Hannah.

~ Jed is playing a guitar and singing outside her window. I’m hoping a neighbour screams out their window at him.

~ Hannah invites him in for another song. And then the music stops and oh…OH.

~ STOP JED.

~ EW EW EW, the sounds of them making out is gross.

~ Jed tells her he’s falling in love with her.

~ Meanwhile Luke & Garrett are back at the house & verbally going at it.

~ “She’s your girlfriend, but she’s also mine.” – Luke

~ That’s one of the all-time great lines in this show’s history.

~ Luke wants Garrett to promise he won’t make a big deal about this at the Rose Ceremony. No pinky promise is made.

~ “Sweet dreams, Luke.” – Garrett

~ These guys are just auditioning for soap operas.

~ It’s the next day and Hannah shows up. She pulls Luke out to talk to him. This is about the bungee jumping thing, of course.

~ Hannah is coming in guns blazing this morning. 

~ “You’re not my husband, you don’t own my body, you don’t own me, it’s my body.” – Hannah

~ Here we go, Luke just being all manipulative.

~ HOLY…Luke just said he would never “try to control her or her body”.

~ So many damn red flags with this boy. I lost count. 

~ Luke returns to the guys and tells them his conversation is between him and Hannah, and that he’s going to stay in his lane.

~ These people have no access to any automotive vehicles.

~ “Don’t text and drive.” – Luke

~ Next week’s group date is going to be bumper cars, I’m calling it now.

~ Luke better watch his back. 

~ IN WALKS CHRIS HARRISON. OH NOW THEY’RE GONNA GET IT.

~ There is no cocktail party tonight, the guys are disappointed.

~ 3 weeks in a row we have no cocktail party. 

~ THE BOYS ARE BITTTERRRR.

~ This show can’t have a cocktail party every week because 1) It would cost too much; and 2) They probably have an early flight to their next destination.

~ But it’s always disguised as, “Their mind is made up. They don’t need a Rose Ceremony.”

~ Time for the Rose Ceremony.

~ Jed, Mike, and Connor get roses.

~ Down to the final rose.

Will it be Luke – the guy whose story on this show probably ends in a more dramatic fashion.

OR will it be one of Dylan and Dustin – the two guys who were talking earlier about how they haven’t had a one-on-one yet. #Editing

~ Gee, I wonder.

~ Luke gets the final rose. I typed this before it happened.

~ NOOOO, Luke over Dylan, come on.

~ “There’s goodness inside of you and I see that.” – Hannah

~ The look on Tyler’s face is all of us.

~ Dylan and Dustin are going home.

~ The boys, talking each other down right now, is all of us.

~ Chris H. is asking Hannah what she likes about Luke.

~ “I’m either falling in love with Luke, or Luke is making me go crazy. I’m not sure which one.” – Hannah

~ Next week, they are in the Netherlands. Hup hup and away!

~ So, basically, Luke cracks next week. The million dollar question, will he finally leave?

~ I just want to mention that throughout this episode I kept hearing a ringing noise in my ear, like a medical thermometer was going off. This show is ruining my life.

I think I need to start watching this with wine, you okay over there, Paul?

NOT REALLY, CASS.

I’m going to need a trip to a Latvian spa to cleanse myself.

See you all next week.

Posted in TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

My Blog Turns 6

One of the first textbooks I opened in university was for an online writing course. I had just bought the book at the campus bookstore, was walking back to my residence, decided to pull it out of the bag, and read the first page.

On the first page, it talked about blogs and how they were short entries that shared personal thoughts and ideas.

I don’t know why that memory exists in my head, but if the story of our life is told backwards, then perhaps that moment was just a dot, waiting to be connected.

Four years later, The Captain’s Speech was born. Dot = Connected?

As I sit here, six years after starting this blog, I don’t really know what to say that I haven’t said before.

To all of you who read this blog – you’ll never know how much you mean to me. Seriously, I won’t tell you.

Thank you for giving me an audience. Thank you for going along with all of my jokes, even the ones you don’t understand. Thank you for being so kind.

I never expected any of this. Not this blog. Not any of you. Not the things that come out of my head and appear on the screen in front of me. All of it has been a wonderful surprise.

Blogging does not require you to fool anyone. You don’t have to “try to be”, you just have to “be”. I spent so many hours trying to provide a perfect, wise voice for this commemorative post and everything I wrote didn’t sound right because I forgot to “be”.

So, I deleted it.

This blog has been such a joy for me and I hope I never run out of ideas with which to infiltrate your Reader.

I’ll end with a poem, just because I like telling myself to do things I’m unprepared for, apparently. Thanks, self.

Blog posts are read
comments are too
leave one for me
and I’ll get back to you.

Wow, I am just too good. That’s what you get for putting me on the spot, SELF. In yo/my face.

Now is the time when you all tell me what you love about me and my blog. 

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 55 Comments

Running Like A Runner

Here’s the thing about running around the neighbourhood that no one wants to talk about. First of all, sidewalks are a pain. Literally. Second, your neighbours stare at you like you’re in a really long Scooby-Doo chase and they’re like, “What are you running from? What are you running from?” No, Gary! I’m not running from anything. It’s what I’m running to! It’s what I’m running to….because running is all about the destination! And in every case, the destination is my house. Because the fanny pack I’m wearing isn’t a picnic basket, and I don’t want to pass out on your front lawn because I’m out of shape. I just want to get home. Because I’m hungry. That’s where the food is. I just want to eat something.

How was that for a cold open wrestling promo? Me vs. Gary in a Sidewalk Chalk match.

Some of you may have seen me deliver that rant, via video, on another platform a few weeks ago. Somehow, I still had it memorized.

To clarify: I don’t know anyone named Gary. Creative liberties were taken.

I’ve been putting off this post for about a month, maybe more. I wasn’t comfortable writing it until now because I thought I’d be crossing three lanes of traffic too quickly and  didn’t want to disrespect a whole community of runners.

Let’s start from the beginning-ish.

Growing up, I played softball. Most kids played soccer in the summer. I had no interest in it. You know how frustrating soccer is when you’re a kid? You spend the whole game screaming, “Pass!” at someone who’s surrounded by every member of both teams because no one understands the concept of spacing.

And then everyone’s like, “Why didn’t you pass?”

At least with softball, I could be the pitcher, hold the ball more than anyone else, and have some control over the action. Does that make me selfish/greedy? No! It makes me smart. That, and I was one of two people on the team who could actually pitch, but regardless, I was smart. That’s the takeaway here.

I had a tournament one Saturday, a few towns over. I was about 12-years-old at the time. Our first game was at 9am.

To “wake us up”, my coach had us running around the outfield from right field, to left field, back to right field. It was the worst. I had no stamina. The grass was long and the morning dew was dew-ing it’s thing.

Nothing like preparing for a whole day of games by immediately wetting your socks and tiring yourself out.

Energy food on the bench that morning was a bucket of sunflower seeds and a 50 pack of timbits, or as the Americans reading this call them – donut holes. Shouldn’t they be called donut plugs, though?

Fast-forward a few years to when I was in Grade 9. I had gym class, first semester, first period. At first, it sounds great. Then you realize you’ll be carrying your sweaty self around with you all day, but only if you don’t choke on second-hand Axe body spray from everyone else in the change room, first.

2005 was a stupid time for body spray.

Anyway, the 12-minute run was a component in the curriculum. You do it at the beginning of the semester, and then again at the end.

At some point during “fitness week” I re-aggravated a pulled muscle in the back of my leg, which I first injured that summer playing softball.

So we get to the 12-minute run around the huge gym, and I’m hobbling. Add that to my lack of stamina, and I did 12 laps in 12 minutes, which wasn’t good.

At the end of the year, fully healed, I did 15 laps. Still not good. 

If you looked at me in Grade 9, you would’ve thought I was in shape. Looks are deceiving, though. I found that out every morning when we had to run two laps around the track outside to “warm up”. I wouldn’t run more than 200 metres before needing to walk.

Where did all these people learn how to run long distances? Why is this such a struggle for me? I play sports in the summer. I can beat out ground balls. I can steal bases. I can run home from third on wild pitches.

Why can’t I run 800 metres at 8am in the morning like everyone else?

Skip ahead to third-year university and my roommate is someone who does lifeguard competitions and goes running. We were so opposite, yet exactly the same. I tend to mesh with people like that.

At some point, I decided to join him on one of his runs on the 200m indoor track above the school gymnasium.

I didn’t know what “shin splints” were until we both complained about them. He was the better runner, even though I was faster when we raced.

He would pump out lap after lap, whereas I was just happy to get to five before walking for a bit, and then starting up again. I’d accompany him for runs for two years and I think the most I ever ran, before walking, was nine laps – 1.8km.

I had no sense of running goals back then. I didn’t have anything to officially calculate my distance, or steps, or calories. I had a chunky BlackBerry in my pocket, feeding music to earbuds that were slowly falling apart.

Looking back, I really don’t know what my motive was for being on that track. I didn’t like running, but I enjoyed being there. Does that make sense?

Over a month ago, I decided I wanted to get into running…again. It’s been six years since the shin splint days on the indoor track. So, why now?

This will sound cheesy, so I hope you brought crackers, but I was inspired by my blog friends, Becky and Cass.

Becky & Cass, injury attorneys, call 1-888-88..oh wait, that’s Cellino & Barnes. NEVER MIND. Back to the blog post.

Over the last year and a half, I’ve read their blog posts chronicling their respective running journeys (Is that a phrase? “Running journeys”?) and have been forced to ask myself why I’m not doing that, too.

So I reached out to them, blamed them for inspiring me – HOW DARE YOU? – and asked for advice and tips only a beginner could ask.

What do you bring with you? How do you carry it? How far do I run? How long do you run? Where do you run? What if I see a fox? What about deer?

They were very helpful, encouraging, and supportive. From their answers, I determined that I needed to instantly buy a fanny pack, as well as befriend Bambi.

I bought a fanny pack (running belt) on Amazon the next day, or as I like to call it – a running pouch. In my head, it makes me sound like a kangaroo. Have you seen how fast they are?

The pouch fits my phone, keys, and cards. I wear it under my shirt and rotate it around so it sits on my lower back. You can’t even tell it’s there. It’s not bulky and doesn’t shake when I’m running.

My intention was to run the path in the ravine near my house because it’s out of the way and no one would stare at me and watch. As a kid, I’d see runners on the sidewalk and always think they looked funny.

Like, why are you jogging on the spot as you wait to cross the street? Shouldn’t you be glad you could finally stop and take a breath? The whole concept seemed foreign to me. I didn’t get it.

It’s only fitting that I was made aware that ticks could be roaming around in the ravine and I should run on sidewalks around the neighbourhood, instead.

I was nervous about running so publicly around the neighbourhood. In my head, I envisioned everyone and their parakeet watching me from their upstairs window, as if I was being chased by an imaginary monster.

How will they know that I’m just out there running like a runner, rather than running like an idiot? Maybe if I look down at my watch a few times, they’ll know I’m a runner and that I just didn’t randomly start running in front of their house for no reason?

But it was either running around the neighbourhood, or not running at all. And dang it, I was inspired to run! (HOW DARE YOU?)

So, I quickly got over it. Now, running around the neighbourhood doesn’t bother me at all.

A few weeks ago I went out for my first run and immediately did everything wrong, except put on microfibre boxer briefs beforehand. Too personal? Sorry. I’m just trying to find a positive.

It was too hot outside. It was too soon after a big meal. I didn’t really stretch. My pace was way too fast out of the gate. I couldn’t find a way to breathe that didn’t make me sound like a whale. It was a disaster.

After four minutes, I needed a forklift to come pick me up.

My feet hurt. My calves hurt. My nose was plugged. My throat was sore. My ears hurt for some reason. My teeth were screaming at me. The watch on my wrist felt too tight. I always thought I liked the smell of freshly cut grass, but now it was trying to suffocate me.

I think I ran 700 metres – 300m short of 1km – before needing to walk and reassess my choice in blog friends. 

I did a loop around the block and walked the rest of the way home, trying not to throw up on someone’s lawn. I was close.

For my second run, I was smarter. I went in the morning, ate only a nectarine beforehand, and capitalized on the cooler conditions outside.

I knew exactly where I stopped running the first time and it was my goal to run further the second time. And I did! Only a few hundred metres more, but to me, that was progress.

My third run was last week and I went 1.45km in just over six minutes, before needing to walk for a bit. That’s more than double the distance of my first run, so I think I’m making progress.

Do these numbers sound pathetic? Probably. I love stats, but I’m trying not to get caught up in them. I’m just trying to go further than last time. Run #4 will be all about me trying to run beyond the fire hydrant I stopped at on Run #3.

Setting a specific “running schedule” is not in my DNA. I’m more of a, “Look at the weather app on my phone and see when it’s not raining, or isn’t too hot, and then ask myself if I’m up for it” kinda guy.

Don’t try this at home.

Also, I’ve been dealing with a stiff back lately which will be explained in another post.

But, I’m trying to run more often. It’s not trying to avoid it by any means.

I’m not really sure what my ultimate motivation for running is, other than it’s something I want to do. Also, I’d really like to prove to myself that I can do it. That 12-minute run still bothers me.

I guess “health benefits” can be a motivation. I’ve always said I hope to live until I’m 100, but I’ve never actually done anything to ensure that happens, other than the fact I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or anything of that nature. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to hit triple digits.

Hope is not a strategy. Running is. I think.

Since I got into this running mindset, I’ve told myself I should try and eat healthier too. I’ve been about the same weight for five years, and it’s exactly what I should weigh, but that doesn’t mean I’m “in shape”.

I’ve decided to cut out pop as much as I possibly can. It’s not like I drank it a lot to begin with, but now I’m seeing there’s no point to it. I drank pop twice in May and one time was because the fast-food restaurant I was at only offered pop or chocolate milk.

Full disclosure: I asked for white milk, which I’ll drink with most meals, if not water. I’ve never had chocolate milk before. Don’t see the purpose of it. You can yell at me in the comments.

Oh, and we don’t have to talk about how I mentioned “fast-food restaurant” right after saying I was trying to eat healthier. 

I don’t want to fast-forward to 25 years from now and wonder why I didn’t just run around the block. Life is a pyramid – if the base isn’t good, the top has no chance.

People have told me that running eventually becomes fun. I’m not at that stage yet. I’m still at the stage where it feels like there’s a rain cloud above my head.

Sweat. I’m talking about sweat. Lots of it. Too personal again? Hey, I can go back to taking about…never mind.

I’ve gained so much more respect for runners since starting this – whatever this is. You all make it look so easy. I was planning out 5km runs with Google Maps and thinking they would be so easy, I might have to do them twice.

Then I got out there and realized I was a fool.

I never realized just how long the streets around me are. I also didn’t realize how hard sidewalks are. Why can’t they be softer? Who can I send an email to about this?

Anyway, I’m proud of myself even if you think this is hokey. And I’m thankful to Becky and Cass for inspiring me – but really, HOW DARE YOU?

But really really – thanks.

A post this long begs for me to share a lesson at the end of it, so here it is.

You may close your mind off to many things, but don’t lock any of the doors because you never know when you’ll want to open one to see what’s inside. The best things are normally behind those doors.

And if you don’t like what you find, well, you can always run.

Are you a runner?

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 57 Comments

Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 6

Have you ever dipped a cracker in a jar of peanut butter when the peanut butter was running low and accidentally dropped the cracker at the bottom, making it difficult to recover without needing a second cracker to rescue it?

If this sounds like you, or someone you know, then you’ve come to the right Bachelorette recap.

I’m joined again this week by Cass because you should never watch this show alone. You might get lost, like a cracker at the bottom of a peanut butter jar, and need someone to bail you out. Can you tell I’m scarred?

Cass’ thoughts will be in BOLD.

Another week, let’s do this.

We’re back where we left off last week – hell. The guys are sitting around wondering if Luke will come back from his date.

~ I would love to see these guys throw a party if Luke doesn’t get a rose.

~ OMG Hannah doesn’t give him the rose.

~ Because Hannah isn’t giving Luke a rose, he wants her to think about every little detail since Day 1. This sounds like homework.

~ She just sent Luke home. Asta la pasta baby.

~ Wow, that was one serious goodbye speech.

~ GOODBYE LUKE P.

~ Luke is walking away from the castle, but all of a sudden he turns around and walks back.

~ This can’t happen. Someone set off the sprinklers! Release the hounds! Anything…?

~ So wait. He’s literally walking into the forest & then decides to turn around to fight for her.

~ Insert Michael Scott saying, “No God, please no. No. No. Nooooooooo.”

~ Luke is now yelling at/to Hannah, saying he wants to move mountains.

~ Homeboy is seriously crazy.

~ “I genuinely wanna marry you.” – Luke

~ How many things do you know about her? LESS THAN ZERO.

~ He’s admitting that they talked in circles all day. It was more like a really big oval, but okay.

~ Luke has returned to the house with the guys and tells them it was the worst one-on-one Hannah’s had this season.

~ Luke has his initials on his suitcase…are you trying to be an influencer before you even join the show?

~ Just when we thought we could get rid of him.

~ “I didn’t get a rose, but Hannah said she still wants me to be here.” – Luke

~ No rose, but he gets to stay….WHAT THE HELL.

~ I’m done, Paul, I’m done.

~ She’s treating him like a child who misbehaves at school every day, but smartens up when the, “I’ll call your parents” threat is issued.

~ Luke is now in a church asking the Bachelorette Gods for forgiveness.

~ Time for a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony.

~ There are points in every season where it hits me like, “Woah, it’s kinda creepy that all these guys are sharing the same girlfriend. This is messed up.” Just had one of those moments.

~ Garrett is now talking to her about Luke. Don’t care. Fast forward.

~ Now the guys are having a group chat where they’re trying to get Luke to admit that he talked to Hannah about them. Don’t the cameramen ever get tired of this?

~ These guys arguing right now legit sound like little girls.

~ I feel bad for Connor, these guys just ruined his talking time.

~ Hannah is eavesdropping.

~ “Stop!” – Hannah

~ She’s mad that all of her boyfriends can’t get along.

Yeah guys, sharing is pairing.

~ I don’t even know what they’re arguing about.

~ Hannah has left the room to go listen from another room. She’s frustrated and downing her wine in record time.

~ She has returned to the guys to scold them for always talking about Luke.

~ Hannah, are you seriously backing Luke up right now?

~ Hannah says they’re all making her feel psycho.

~ “NONE OF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.” – HANNAH

~ The realest seven words ever uttered on this show. That also confirms Hannah read these Viewing Notes before going on the show.

~ NO HANNAH, YOU’RE NOT FRUSTRATED. I’M FRUSTRATED. 

~ Does no one take my feelings into consideration during filming?

~ Nope, sorry. But Demi’s been in two episodes this season, so clearly someone cares about my well-being.

~ “All we do is talk about stupid sh–.”

~ SEND THEM ALL HOME. ADOPT A PET. GET A PLANT. BUY A RUG. FILL THE VOID.

~ So, let me get this straight. She wants everyone to stay in their lane, but won’t send the instigator home…uhh what.

~ She leaves, saying she doesn’t want to talk to any of them.

~ “We were petty. Petty fights, petty arguments.”

~ These guys need a Wi-Fi connection, or a chocolate bar, so they can do something other than talk to each other.

~ The guys are apologizing for their roles in this debacle.

~ Alright, I need to fast forward. I have nothing nice to say & can’t hurt future potential sponsorships, sorry y’all.

~ I feel like they’re always trying to say the right thing, or be on the right side of an argument because they want to look good on TV.

~ Chris Harrison is now consoling Hannah.

~ Chris should go yell at the guys like any protective father would.

~ “HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY LITTLE MUFFIN CRY!”

~ And then he should throw something to really emphasize his point. Maybe spike a remote on the carpet, so the batteries pop out and roll under the couch and force the guys to retrieve them while thinking about how angry Mr. Harrison was.

~ But NO. Instead, he tells her that the guys are crazy about her.

~ Time for the Rose Ceremony. Let’s go.

~ Connor, Tyler, and Dustin get the first three roses.

~ Peter Pilot gets a rose.

~ Dylan gets a rose.

~ Garrett gets a rose.

~ Luke gets the last rose.

~ Devin and Kevin are among those going home.

~ Who the plant is Grant?? Anyway, he’s going home.

~ Hannah tells the guys they all need to get on the same page. Slow readers, they are.

~ They’re all in Riga, Latvia now because they only travel to places that look nice on Instagram.

~ Hannah is having a morning talk with Chris. Her eyebrows look angry.

~ “I don’t know how this works for people.” – Hannah

~ “Is it gonna work?” – Chris

~ Back from commercial, Chris is in front of the Bachelor mansion, telling us that Hannah doesn’t know if she can fall in love with any of these guys.

Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi. Sub in Demi.

~ Darn. Hannah didn’t come out and sub Demi in. Maybe at the next timeout.

~ Chris is now sitting down with Hannah to talk about what’s going wrong. Shouldn’t this be a private matter?

~ They clearly filmed this after the season ended. What a scam.

~ I’m done here. I’m not sitting through an hour long recap of the first five episodes.

~ So, is this a mini tell all in the middle of the episode that lasts the whole episode….

~ DO THEY NOT THINK WE SAW THE FIRST FIVE EPISODES? HAVE YE NO FAITH, CHRIS HARRISON? WE DON’T SKIP EPISODES.

Just give us dates where they don’t talk about anything, don’t eat food, and dance at a concert in front of a singer I’ve never heard of before.

~ This is all you, Cass. Time to shine.

~ Chris just told Hannah she’s “the kissing bandit”.

~ He asked her who the best kisser was & drum roll….Luke….ew.

~ I can’t tonight. I have no energy for this.

~ Blooper time: Mike rips his pants, Jed’s ice cream gets attacked by Penny the pup, and Jonathan’s awkward hinting for a kiss.

~ Back to fast forwarding.

This show really blows by when you fast forward through half of it. Time for the previews.

~ Sooooooooo, Paul warned me but I wasn’t ready for this preview.

~ There was lots of almost nudity & these boys have some rockin’ bods. I hate to say it, but I’ll keep tuning in (sorry Paul).

I should put together a Cass Compilation of things you’ve made me write on my blog and immediately apologized for. The sponsors would love it.

~ WOW. Luke might as well keep digging that grave.

~ Who has a ring? Who is ready to propose? YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME.

That’s a wrap on tonight. Thanks Paul for having me on again & listening to me freak out for 2 hours. Till next week.

I don’t know what that was, but it was not The Bachelorette. 

You can follow us on Twitter:
@UniquelyCass
@CappyTalks

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We The Champs

I’m speechless.

There are moments in life that seem elusive. You dream of them, you look for them, you picture yourself in them, but you never get to live them.

You chalk it up as something that might happen “someday” but the calendar has seven days and “someday” isn’t one. So, you keep waiting.

The Toronto Raptors just won the NBA championship and I don’t know what to say. This is one of those moments that never felt possible.

A basketball team in Canada. In a hockey town. Arriving in 1995, two years after the baseball team finishes winning back-to-back World Series championships. An extinct reptile as the mascot, inspired by a movie. Playing games out of a baseball stadium. Instructing the fans on when to boo and cheer.

No, that’s not a recipe for success. That’s not even a recipe.

Twenty-four years later, look at them. Look at what they’ve done to this country.

They’ve pulled at our hockey puck hearts and united us behind the mantra of, “We The North”. In Canada, if you’re not from Toronto, you probably don’t like Toronto. And yet, the entire country is cheering for our local sports team because in this situation, the word “local” is not confined to a city.

So, it’s fitting that the Raptors won the championship while wearing uniforms that said “North” across the front. Because that’s who they represent. All of us. Canada.

And if this championship came 15 years ago, it wouldn’t have the same affect. Heck, if it came 5 years ago, it wouldn’t be like it is now.

This was the time. This was the elusive moment. This was “someday”.

The years between Alvin Robertson’s first bucket for the Raptors in 1995, and this NBA title, have been playing on a loop in my head ever since the final buzzer sounded a few hours ago.

I wish I could invite you inside, so you can see what I’ve seen, and feel what I’ve felt because it hasn’t been easy. Oftentimes, being a Raptors fan has been a lonely experience.

You wear a Raptors jersey to school and you’re just asking for someone to tell you they suck. You sit at home watching all 82 regular season games and they can even win 30.

You get your hopes up for Stoudamire, McGrady, Carter, Bosh, and others, but one by one they leave and trigger your greatest insecurity – no one wants to play in Canada.

It’s too cold. It’s too different. Crossing the border is a hassle. They don’t want their kids to  learn the metric system. Their family and friends can’t watch them on TV. It’s a foreign country. It’s a hockey town. They don’t understand why the locals say, “Toronno”. What the hell are all-dressed chips?

For so long it felt like an uphill battle that would never end. The fight for legitimacy was real. The fight for attention from the media down south was real. We just wanted to be noticed.

But then they’d finally put the camera on us and we’d crumble, time and time again.

The feeling of, “This is too good to be true, something bad will happen soon” was engrained in me. I knew no other way for a Raptors season to end, other than in disappointment.

For the first four games of the NBA Finals, I watched every minute, yet still couldn’t believe the Raptors were one of the final two teams. It didn’t feel real. I was always looking for the old Raptors to appear.

I was looking for fear to emanate from their pores. I was looking for a collapse that would start up the, “Same old Raptors” narrative. That never happened.

Don’t get me wrong, I believed in this team – just check my playoff bracket – but when you’ve never experienced something before, you don’t know how it feels until after it hits you.

Well, this is the “After” and I can confirm that reality is finally hitting me.

The Toronto Raptors are NBA champions and yeah, I cried a few tears. I had to. I owed it to my younger self – the one who stayed up way too late one night in February of 2000, to watch Vince Carter win the dunk contest in Oakland – because 19 years later, that little boy would watch the Raptors hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy in the exact same building, and feel like a kid all over again.

It’s been a wild ride, to say the least.

On Monday, there will be a parade in Toronto. I’m expecting the entire country to be shut down because we, the north, have a new mantra to celebrate.

We The Champs.

It happened.

Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments