The story of Week 3 in the NFL has two chapters. The first one is called, “Butt Punt” because the Dolphins’ punter punted the football directly off of his teammate’s posterior. The result of the play was a safety, which means an alternative to “Butt Punt” could be “Safety Squeeze”.
The second chapter is called, “They’re 2-1? But we’re 2-1!”. It would be about how front-running teams like the Bills and Chiefs have 2-1 records, but so do the Bears.
Nothing really makes sense anymore and I haven’t even mentioned that the only undefeated teams left are the Eagles and Dolphins.
Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
Kyler Murray has rushed the ball 12 times for 65 yards this year. Maybe it’s just me, but I expected those numbers to be higher.
Atlanta Falcons (1-2)
For the first time in three weeks, Kyle Pitts did not have 2 receptions for 19 yards, and the Falcons won. (Skip to Carolina Panthers)
Buffalo Bills (2-1)
The Bills lost, despite running 90 plays, which was 51(!!) more than the Dolphins. If there were three more seconds on the clock, the Bills spike the ball and (probably/maybe) win the game with a field goal. The Bills are still the better team.
Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
The Ravens didn’t sign Lamar Jackson to an extension in the off-season and now his level of play is making the price go up, just like Aaron Judge did with the Yankees.
Carolina Panthers (1-2)
For the first time in three weeks, D.J. Moore did not have 3 receptions for 43 yards, and the Panthers won. There’s some statistical synchronicity going on here between Pitts and Moore. (Go back and read the Bills and Ravens now)
Cincinatti Bengals (1-2)
Starting this Thursday, four of their next seven games will be nationally televised in prime time. I think they’ll hand the Dolphins their first loss of the season this week.
Cleveland Browns (2-1)
About a month from now, the Browns will start playing playoff caliber teams and we’ll find out what they’re made of at that time.
Chicago Bears (2-1)
All 2-1 teams are not made equally. In my mind, the Bears are worse than the 0-3 Raiders.
Dallas Cowboys (2-1)
It’s so refreshing to see an NFL team with a backup quarterback who can come in and actually win games. Good for Cooper Rush.
Denver Broncos (2-1)
I feel like the Broncos’ official theme song so far is, “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction, as the lyric “you don’t know you’re beautiful” can easily summarize their stagnant offence. It makes sense in my head, at least.
Detroit Lions (1-2)
Two very winnable games coming up against the Seahawks and Patriots.
Green Bay Packers (2-1)
The Packers can put things into cruise control, as their next four games are against the Patriots, Giants, Jets, and Commanders.
Houston Texans (0-2-1)
The Texans have only been outscored by 10 points this season. They’re keeping things close and will eventually win a game with a field goal as time expires.
Indianapolis Colts (1-1-1)
They have scored the fewest amount of points in the NFL this season (40), but the AFC South is wide open this year (or maybe not; see: Jaguars) so all they have to do is hang around.
Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1)
The Jaguars are for real, okay. Get used to it. This is my hot take of the day.
Kansas City Chiefs (2-1)
One of the things that made the Chiefs so dangerous over the last few years was their propensity for scoring quickly. They’ve lost that “points on speed dial” ability, with the loss of Tyreek Hill. When there’s a lot of time on the clock, Mahomes will move the ball down field. When they need 45 yards in 30 seconds, with one timeout, to get it into field goal range…it’s not automatic anymore. That’s where they will miss Hill the most.
Las Vegas Raiders (0-3)
I’ll say it: Week 4 against the Broncos is a must-win game. Because Week 5 is on the road against the Chiefs, so…
Los Angeles Charges (1-2)
I understand Justin Herbert wanting to play through his injury, but when you’re down by 28 in the 4th quarter, there’s no reason why he should be on the field. That’s on the coaches.
Los Angeles Rams (2-1)
I don’t know what it is, but something feels off with the Rams.
Miami Dolphins (3-0)
Butt Punt. The stats say they had no business winning that game, but they did. They head into the Thursday nighter pretty banged up.
Minnesota Vikings (2-1)
As far as I can tell, the Vikings flew to London, England right after their game on Sunday. The only thing I keep thinking about is how sore the players must’ve been on the plane. I hope there was a lot of space for them to get up and stretch.
New England Patriots (1-2)
Mac Jones could be out for a few weeks with a high ankle sprain.
New Orleans Saints (1-2)
Every time I see Chris Olave’s name, I wonder if he likes olives. One day, I’ll find out.
New York Giants (2-1)
If the butter in your refrigerator could run, it would run like Saquon Barkley. So smooth.
New York Jets (1-2)
Zach Wilson will likely make his season debut this week which means Joe Flacco is headed back to the bench. Flacco is 5th in the NFL in passing yards (910). He did a good job filling in.
Philadelphia Eagles (3-0)
Jalen Hurts is an early MVP candidate. This week’s matchup against the Jaguars could be a trap game.
Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2)
I think the Steelers are in a quarterback no-man’s-land in the sense that, yes, Kenny Pickett is the future, but how soon do you want to enter that future? What if you put him in too soon and he struggles? Do you go back to Trubisky? Do you then go back to Pickett at a later date? I think that’s why they’re being extra patient. Because once they say, “Pickett is our starter”, they don’t want to go back.
San Francisco 49ers (1-2)
Their defense gets their first real test this week against the Rams.
Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
Until they find a new franchise quarterback, they’ll just be the team that Russell Wilson used to play for.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
Unless they meet in the Super Bowl, this Sunday could be the last time Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes face each other.
Tennessee Titans (1-2)
Two of their next three games are against the Colts. There is a bye week mixed in there too, but this seems like an odd scheduling choice.
Washington Commanders (1-2)
I still think the Commanders offence is good, it’s just that the Eagles defence is superior.