NFL Snapshots: Week 1 (2022)

Arizona Cardinals (0-1)
They just need to hover around .500 until Deandre Hopkins returns from suspension in Week 7. For now, I propose they adopt the marketing slogan, “Peaks & Valleys”. Trust me, it’s clever.

Atlanta Falcons (0-1)
Is there a point where the Falcons just say, “Let’s be the 2021 Eagles” and firmly lean into the running game, while having two receiving weapons? Because they could do it.

Buffalo Bills (1-0)
“D-Von, get the tables.” I thought they played with a Super Bowl-like intensity, and focus, in the opening game of the season.

Baltimore Ravens (1-0)
Lamar Jackson had 6 rushes for 17 yards in Week 1. Will he be running less because he’s in the final year of his contract and doesn’t want to get hurt? Or, is this an outlier and he’ll be running the same amount as usual, in order to prove his worth?

Carolina Panthers (0-1)
The Baker Mayfield vs. Cleveland Browns storyline should be the last time we ever hype up the “Revenge Game” narrative in the NFL.

Cincinatti Bengals (0-1)
It’s hard to be “the team of destiny” two years in a row.

Cleveland Browns (1-0)
Their midfield logo is going to be “Brownie the Elf” because this franchise hasn’t done enough questionable things lately.

Chicago Bears (1-0)
Congratulations to the Bears for being the first team in NFL history to win a football game that was played in a swimming pool.

Dallas Cowboys (0-1)
It just feels like they’re in denial all the time.

Denver Broncos (0-1)
You know how some contestants on Masterchef make a gelatin dessert and throw it in the blast chiller so it can set, but it doesn’t because there isn’t enough time? Well, that’s the Broncos after Week 1. Give them time, they’ll be fine.

Detroit Lions – (0-1)
D’Andre Swift is electric.

Green Bay Packers (0-1)
Surely, it’s only a matter of time before someone makes a montage of all the times Aaron Rodgers appears to be disappointed by his receivers, set to the song “Lonely” by Akon.

Houston Texans (0-0-1)
Little known fact about me: I believe in Davis Mills this year.

Indianapolis Colts (0-0-1)
You cannot tie the Texans in Week 1. You cannot.

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)
Another little known fact about me: I believe in Trevor Lawrence this year.

Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)
No matter where you go, the moon is still the moon. Mahomes is still Mahomes. Don’t question it.

Las Vegas Raiders (0-1)
Derek Carr and Davante Adams are the kids in gym class who only pass to each other.

Los Angeles Chargers (1-0)
I feel like we’re on the cusp of Justin Herbert, Patrick Mahomes, and Josh Allen rotating Super Bowl appearances for the next 15 years.

Los Angeles Rams (0-1)
The, “Who’s house? Rams house!” chant is lame, especially when a large portion of the audience is supporting the visiting team. Also, you share the stadium with the Chargers, who pay $1 rent (not a typo) per year. You’re not some evil landlord. Stop.

Miami Dolphins (1-0)
It all comes down to how good Tua Tagovailoa is.

Minnesota Vikings (1-0)
Justin Jefferson is Randy Moss.

New England Patriots (0-1)
The Patriots are what the San Antonio Spurs have been for the last three years. Nothing remarkable, just a large shadow cast from championship banners.

New Orleans Saints (1-0)
Is Jameis Winston going to be a thing this year?

New York Giants (1-0)
I’m happy for Saquon Barkley.

New York Jets (0-1)
Joe Flacco threw the ball 59 times against the Ravens. It’s like when a goalie makes 50 saves in an NHL game. It’s impressive, but you start to ask yourself, “Why so many?”

Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)
A.J. Brown is like a runaway dumpster rolling down a hill when he has the ball, and I mean that in the most complimentary way. (I was going to go with shopping cart, but Brown is larger, hence a dumpster. In no way am I comparing him to trash.)

Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0)
The grim reaper of the AFC North.

San Francisco 49ers (0-1)
You cannot lose to the Bears in Week 1. You cannot.

Seattle Seahawks (1-0)
They narrowly snuck out a victory over their former face of the franchise because the Broncos are currently gelatin that has not set.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0)
Tom Brady throwing passes to Julio Jones is something you’d do in Madden 14 when you got to Year 8 of Franchise Mode. But now it’s real life.

Tennessee Titans (0-1)
Derrick Henry can only do so much.

Washington Commanders (1-0)
It’s nice to see teams surround their quarterbacks with playmakers. The Commanders have more than a few.


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