I didn’t expect to do a post tonight, but then I started watching the recorded version of the show and realized the first hour was going to be actual stuff, while the second hour was going to be the Men Tell All.
So, here are my viewing notes for the first hour.
Previously on The Bachelorette: Tayshia kept Noah and sent Bennett home, but he came back like a boomerang.
RETURN OF THE CHRIS
- Tayshia is sitting in her house, when there is a knock at the door. Isn’t this how 95% of children shows start? I’m looking at you, Blue’s Clues.
- It’s Chris Harrison! He has returned from dropping his son off at college. It looks like he got a haircut, too.
- “I needed you, where have you been!?” – Tayshia. I hope JoJo isn’t watching!
- Tayshia catches Chris up on all the things he probably already knew about via phone alert.
- “These are all good guys. You could end up with any of them and be perfectly happy…but who do you really love?” – Chris
- Wait, is marriage really that simple? You just pick one and it’ll be fine?
- Tayshia feels conflicted and needs clarity. Drink! Water. Drink water.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Blake)
- Blake and Tayshia are walking along a path, when they run into a woman named, Gita. She is a Reiki and Crystal Master.
- Oh, here we go.
- She’s giving Blake a pickaxe! I know I’ve been watching too many murder-related shows when my initial reaction was, “A MURDER WEAPON!?!?”
- He is using it to crack open a stone. They’re instructed to each take a piece of it.
- “Since you both have a part of the stone, as long as you have this stone, you will always be connected.”
- HOLD THE HECK ON.
- She stole that line from Home Alone 2, when Kevin gave the turtledove to the pigeon lady!
- Tayshia is now holding a blue crystal. It signifies communication.
- Blake has a red crystal. It signifies ketchup. I don’t know, they never said.
- Gita has asked them both to disrobe and lay down. She is going to look at their chakras.
- WOAH. I swear, this whole date is going to end up on Dateline.
- Tayshia’s heart chakra is feeling cautious.
- My stomach chakra is feeling hungry. Did I do this right?
- Oh, it’s time for an intimate, two-person breathing exercise. They are staring right into each others eyes. Optometrists don’t even get this close.
- Tayshia tells us that when she looked into his eyes, she was looking for more confidence and validation in the situation.
- Or was she looking for that Jonas Brothers song from over a decade ago? Really makes you think.
- Anyway, Blake is going home tonight. She hasn’t told him yet, but I am.
- “I just don’t know if we can get there.” – Tayshia
- The cliches are out in full force tonight.
- She’s sending him home now. If all it took was staring into his eyes for a few minutes, maybe she should do that with everyone else?
- Tayshia cries as the car drives away. Blake says he didn’t see it coming. Too soon for the unintentional eye pun, Blake. Too soon.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
- Tayshia walks in to tell the guys that she just sent Blake home.
- Wait, is she going to tell them that Bennett has also returned? Do I need to make a new heading soon?
- She pulls Riley aside to talk. Huh?
- Riley is wearing grey sweatpants and I think it’s about time this attire is more accepted in society. We all know they’re more comfortable than other pants.
- Don’t get me started on jeans.
- Tayshia says hometown dates are next week and she doesn’t want to put him in that position if her heart isn’t 100% matching his.
- “I don’t get it. What am I missing?” – Riley
- THE SHOW ONLY HAS A COUPLE OF WEEKS OF FILMING LEFT. PEOPLE HAVE TO GO HOME.
- But honestly, the way some of these people are broken up with on this show is so abrupt that it probably makes them think they did something wrong.
- Tayshia is walking him out to a car, tout suite. What if he left a book open and didn’t put a bookmark in, is a producer really going to be mindful of that or are they just going to hastily pack up his things?
- Let me host a show called, Beyond The Rose, and we’ll find out about all the meaningless minutiae.
THE NEXT DAY
- None of them know that Bennett is about to walk through that door.
RETURN OF THE BENNETT
- The guys are sitting around, waiting for the cocktail party and in walks Bennett, wearing a purple suit.
- Bennett has pulled the classic Royal Rumble move. Hang out on the outside of the ring, so you can’t be thrown over the top rope and get eliminated, and then sneak back in the ring when there are only a few people left.
- Chris walks in and says the cocktail party is cancelled. CANCELLED.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
- Ben is the only one with a rose, so far. There are five other guys, but only three roses to hand out.
- Zac receives the first rose.
- Ivan receives the second rose.
- HOLD THE HECK ON.
- Did she bring Bennett back, just to send him and Noah home at the same time, so the show could put them in the backseat of the same car and soak up the tension one last time??
- This is diabolical.
- Brendan gets the final rose.
- Oh my God. It’s happening.
- It’s not happening.
- Okay, Noah got in a car and was driven away before Bennett even got out of the house.
- I’ll die if the car circles back to pick up Bennett.
- Alas, no. Bennett gets his own vehicle. What a missed opportunity.
We now head into the Men Tell All portion of the episode, which I’m going to skip.
There’s another episode tomorrow, so I’ll be back then.