1. I will be laughing about the press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping for the rest of my life.
2. Put your Timbits in the fridge. They taste (even) better when they’re cold.
3. The only time I press the reels button on Instagram is by accident.
4. I very, very, very mildly burned my arm last week while taking something out of the oven and now have a Harry Potter scar. It’s like a one-inch red line, don’t worry.
5. …and then the Snowman said, “that’s how I ROLL.”
6. You say, “charcuterie board”, I say, “every trip to Nonna’s house as a kid”.
7. My new hobby is looking up places I’ve already been on Google Maps.
8. Whenever I hear the song that goes, “Oh, ho, ho, it’s magic”, I immediately change the lyrics in my head to, “Ho, ho, ho, it’s Santa”.
9. I’ve reached the “hotdogs with waffles on the side” portion of the pandemic. What do I win?
10. It feels like every time I flip to a college football game, one team is always winning by three touchdowns.
11. I don’t know anything about Rick and Morty, but were they named after Brick and Mortar?
12. There should be a concert channel on TV.
13. 25% of the people on Twitter are missing the point, 75% of the time.
14. My fantasy baseball team subscribes to the Billy Beane approach of: two months to see what you have, two months to fix it, and two months to make a run at it. Unfortunately, this season was only two months long.
15. Katie Nolan wins the award for best altered TV show name during the pandemic with her show: Always Isolate.
15.5 Otherwise known as, Always Late.
16. I cannot handle the smell of peanut butter in the oven. Air out the house, or I’m getting headache.
17. The 2028 Summer Olympics will be held in Los Angeles. I guess no one is worried about wildfires?
18. I had a dream I met my wife in a food court. She left her card in the machine and it accidentally paid for my meal. When they came back, I repaid them with a $7 bill.
18.5 A $7 BILL.
19. Cobwebs are downright impossible to remove with water.
20. Haven’t seen it in probably fifteen years, but The Even Stevens Movie was great.
21. The older I get, the better room temperature water tastes.
22. They should put custard in tiny packets.
23. What if you read a book backwards? Knowing the ending, would you be able to pick up on more details as you made your way to the earlier chapters?
24. I feel like the leader of a country shouldn’t have an, “it’s good enough for me, so it’s good enough for you” mentality.
25. The logo on the Toronto Maple Leafs’ reverse retro jersey reminds me of the animation from the early seasons of The Simpsons.
26. What’s a word you like to say for no reason? Mine is, “Gourmet”.
27. I miss the Ottawa Senators players giving post-game interviews, while riding a stationary bike.
28. One day, the WWE is going to have a legal battle on its hands regarding their classification of talent as “independent contractors”. Look up “Zelina Vega” and “Unionization” and you’ll understand why.
29. Zelina Vega would be a great addition to AEW.
30. Leaf blowers are the worst.
31. If you think long enough about how a sink is called a sink, you may reach some morbid conclusions. At least, I did.
32. We’ve become a society that doesn’t listen, nor follow instructions. Social media has given us a “know-it-all” mentality. IT’S NOT WORKING OUT.
33. NFL teams know they aren’t winning anything without a star quarterback, yet when they have a Top 10 pick in the draft, they convince themselves they don’t need a quarterback.
33.5 But no, they insist on sticking with “their guy” who doesn’t even get picked in fantasy leagues, because admitting they got it wrong means they’re a step closer to getting fired.
34. This version of Everything by Lifehouse is my favourite.
35. I don’t hate the new Fleets on Twitter as much as I thought I would, but as of right now, I have no purpose for them.
36. I really like the Raptors’ draft picks, Malachi Flynn and Jalen Harris. Based on a few YouTube videos I’ve seen of them, they seem like the second coming of Fred VanVleet and Norman Powell.
37. If flying cars ever happen, they won’t be called flying cars. We don’t refer to busses as a “bigger car”. Flying cars be called, Soar, or something.
38. The crowd reactions on The Masked Singer are starting to be a bit much.
39. I miss sleeping on the floor.
40. When you open a box of pizza, you have a 7-second grace period to take a photo, or map out which slice(s) you want. After that, you gotta make a move. This isn’t a museum, the heat is escaping!
41. Netflix documentaries are weird in that they have random, eerie archival footage from a person’s life, and I’m left wondering, “Why did anyone think that was worth filming back then?”
42. How many giant balloons at the Macy’s parade are going to be of characters wearing a mask? I’m setting the over/under at 2.5.
43. Fifty years from now, kids aren’t going to believe that Blockbuster Video was a real thing.
44. The Oslo episode of Unsolved Mysteries gave me the heebie jeebies.
45. Late-night shovelling is the best. It’s just you and the crisp air.
46. Roman Reigns is so unbelievably good at being a heel.
47. If the forks and spoons get into a spat in the cutlery drawer, and then give each other the silent treatment, do the knives offer their assistance in cutting the tension?
48. This was the longest year of our lives, then September came and it’s felt like a sprint to the finish, ever since. Are we even counting all the seconds in the day anymore, or are the clocks skipping a few when we’re not looking?
49. I’m really happy that Mick Schumacher is going to be in Formula 1 next year. It breaks my heart every time I think of his dad and what their family has been through over the last seven years.
50. We are all different because we are all the same.