Last week on The Bachelorette: Tayshia took over, four new guys showed up, and a barbecue scene wasn’t shown. I’m still trying to get over it. Oh, and we also haven’t had a Rose Ceremony since Episode 3. So, maybe we’ll see one of those tonight?
GROUP DATE #1 (Montel, Ivan, Demar, Ben, Chasen, Ed, Joe, and Bennett)
- All the guys are wearing the same, plain colours. Seven out of the eight are wearing white shoes.
- They’re really not making it difficult for the SNL wardrobe department at this point.
- Tayshia has brought two of her friends to take care of the date today, which means Chris Harrison has reached the point of exhaustion and needed a break.
- Her friends are Ashley and Jared from Bachelor in Paradise.
- DID THEY QUARANTINE?? Sorry, it’s a reflex.
- The guys sit down at desks, for they are taking the Grown Man Challenge. Number 2 pencils only, gentlemen.
GROWN MAN CHALLENGE
- Question #1: If you wake up at 7:35AM and it takes you 1 hour 42 min. to get ready and walk to her suite, what time will you get to the date?
- My answer is 9:17AM, which is probably 17 minutes too late. Let’s see how many of them got it right.
- Everyone got it right, except Bennett, who said 9:07AM.
- Question #2: Tayshia has 25 roses, she gave out 6 roses during a cocktail party, 1 first impression rose, and 3 during one-on-one dates. How many roses does she have left?
- My answer is 15. Bennett got it wrong again. He said 19. Friendly reminder that Bennett went to Harvard and I did not.
- Question 3: Spell “Limousine”. That’s pretty easy. Can every episode be a quiz show?
- Bennett forgot the “u”.
- Time for Tug-o-War, sorta. They’re both tied to the same rope and have to retrieve a bouquet behind them.
- Bennett can’t compete in this because of an old knee injury from playing football.
- Now it’s the Breakfast in Bed challenge. Tayshia is waiting in bed, as the guys throw together a breakfast.
- Demar has made her a….nope, we’re not going to see. He brought her a mimosa and we skipped to a montage of the other meals.
- Chasen throws on an apron and crawls into bed, declaring himself as the meal. In other words, he can’t cook.
- It’s Bennett’s turn and he is wearing a bathrobe, somehow. He also gets into bed and stares at his breakfast plate with Tayshia. Oh, now he’s feeding her a pastry.
- The Man Child Award goes to Ed. He gets a fake, crying baby.
- The Grown Man Award goes to…Bennett. He goes right in to kiss Tayshia in front of everyone. It didn’t look like she was expecting, nor wanted, it.
- Bennett is still wearing his robe and tries to steal Tayshia away before she gets to say hi to everyone else.
- Ed has named his baby, Carlos. He is also there tonight. He couldn’t find a babysitter.
- Tayshia makes a toast and Chasen swoops in and steals her away. She can’t leave with him fast enough.
- Meanwhile, Ed tells us that Chasen is a phony. Trouble is afoot.
- Tayshia is with Ben now. She asks why he’s single. He says his last relationship destroyed him, so he hasn’t tried to date anyone for the last two years. Tayshia likes him.
- Ivan wants to show her his romantic side, so he puts a blindfold on her and feeds her a strawberry, and then a kiss.
- Bennett and Ed are going after Chasen now. He refers to them as Batman and Robin, while he is Wolverine…because that’s his nickname. Okay.
- Personally, I can’t take anything Ed says seriously, while he’s holding that baby.
- Ed and Carlos now get one-on-one (two-on-one?) time with Tayshia and he ruins it by telling her that Chasen isn’t there for the right reasons, and that he’s using the same adjectives to describe Tayshia, as he did with Clare.
- Has anyone ever used the word “adjectives” on this show?
- Ed says Chasen wants Instagram followers and adds, “he just called my legs, chicken legs”.
- BAWK BAWK BAGAW. Sorry, I had to.
- Tayshia now pulls Chasen away for a chat. Chasen is insulted that Ed would insinuate that he is there to advance his career.
- Chasen goes back to yell at Ed, right in front of Carlos!
- “Take your schmedium shirt and sit down.” – Ed
- “It’s actually a large.” – Chasen
- He didn’t show him the tag, so how do we know for sure?
- Friendly reminder: Ed received the Man Child Award today.
- Tayshia is giving the group date rose to Ivan, right after complimenting Ben. Oof.
- “Hi, hello, I’m Ben, I didn’t get a rose again.” – Benny Rhymes
COCKTAIL PARTY BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY
- Well, this sort of snuck up on us, didn’t it?
- Chasen tries to clear the air in front of everyone, but Ed calls him a fraud and a phony again, WHILE HOLDING HIS CHILD, CARLOS.
- WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDR…oh wait, Bennett steps in to grab Carlos.
- Tayshia is there now, so everyone stops bickering.
- Ben gives her a kiss, Joe gives her food, and a guy whose name I don’t know, gives her a popsicle. What next?
- Bennett takes her out front, where there is a fake Eiffel Tower set up. Ah, I should’ve known.
- Back in the house, the guys are talking about how Chasen keeps using the word “smokeshow” to describe Tayshia. They laugh at him for not coming up with another adjective, for that is a noun he is using.
- Oh, the snobbery.
- Ed tells Tayshia that Chasen stood over him last night and screamed at him. He makes it seem like Chasen was going to punch him.
- Can we skip to the Rose Ceremony? Nope…
- Tayshia sits down with Chasen and calls this stuff really petty. Now Chasen calls Ed aside to apologize, but Ed cuts him off and turns it into an argument.
- Zac C. swoops in and tells them he could care less about their disagreement. Of course, he meant to say, “I couldn’t care less”, but the English snobs didn’t point it out.
- Over an hour into the show, Chris Harrison finally makes his first appearance. He seems refreshed.
- Zac C. gets the first rose of the evening.
- Riley, Kenny, Ben, Demar, Bennett, Spencer (there’s a Spencer??), Jordan (there’s a Jordan???), Noah (THERE’S A NOAH????), Joe, Blake from Canada, and Ed get roses.
- Chasen gets the final rose.
- Tayshia sent three guys home. I’m not sure what their names are, unfortunately.
THE NEXT DAY
- We see Ed lifting weights, making his arms even bigger than they already are.
- In walks Chris Harrison to drop off a group date card.
GROUP DATE #2 (Eazy, Brendan, Joe, Jordan, Spencer, Ben, Ed, and Chasen)
- The guys walk into a wrestling match between Tayshia and is that…it is! WWE Hall of Famer, Amy Dumas, who you may know as Lita, is there. As is undefeated UFC Fighter, Tatiana Suarez.
- DID THEY QUARANTINE?
- Tatiana and Lita will be training the guys. This has a very “Tough Enough, Season 1” feel to it. That reference was just for me.
- Lita is having the guys practice trash talking.
- Joe is worried that he’s going up against former football and basketball players, while he’s just a former high school volleyball player.
- Sounds like he might get….SPIKED. GET IT?
- Don’t worry, Joe! I’m sure there’s an ambulance waiting outside!
- This is all just building to Ed vs. Chasen.
- Chris Harrison walks in with a ring bell. His sleeves are rolled up and he says, “Fellas”. He’s back, baby. This is peak Chris H.
- He says the guys will be wrestling in front of an audience (DID THEY QUARANTINE?) tonight at Bachelorette WrestleMania.
- Chasen tells us he’s bringing the wolverine out tonight. Meanwhile, I just hope they all have full ring entrances, with music.
- Chris Harrison and Wells Adams are on commentary tonight, as the guys walk in wearing…boxing robes.
- Match 1: Big Eazy vs. Volleyball Joe. Eazy wins…easily.
- Match 2: Brendan vs. Jordan. No build-up for this feud. This is the type of match they would refer to as a “Bathroom Break Match” in wrestling. Jordan wins.
- Match 3: Spencer vs. Ben. Neither of them have common wrestling names. The match ends in a draw. Ben is bleeding and the Medic steps in. They’ll have a rematch tomorrow on RAW.
- Main Event: Chasen vs. Ed.
- Before the match starts, Ed pulls Chris Harrison aside and says he has a bad shoulder. Chris says he’s built like a “brick outhouse”, whatever that is. Ed says he can’t even throw a football.
- Bennett and Ed both pulled out of physical competitions tonight due to injury. Interesting.
- Chris says Ed is unfit to wrestle tonight.
- Chris asks if there is anyone here who wants to wrestle for Tayshia’s heart. Oh, this is a classic wrestling trope.
- Everyone waits for someone’s music to hit…but no! Jumping the barricade is Noah! Ba gawd, what is he doing here? This is like when Santino Marella debuted in Italy.
- I guess when they said “audience”, they meant the other guys in the house.
- New Main Event: Chasen vs. Noah. It’s a physical fight, but Chasen wins.
- “The champion of the main event tonight…Chasen!” – Chris Harrison, giving Chasen a championship belt
- See, me and Chris H. are on the same wavelength. He knew I was calling it the main event, so he did too.
- AND NEWWWWW Bachelorette Champion…
- Tayshia invites Noah to join the night portion of the date. The other guys aren’t happy about this. Hey, there are already eight guys on the date, what’s one more at this point?
BACHELORETTE WRESTLEMANIA POST-SHOW
- Noah immediately steals Tayshia away. The guys trash talk him, while he’s gone, calling him a “goofball” and “25”.
- Yeah! How dare he have an age! This is dumb.
- Noah has a moustache and Tayshia says she wonders what he looks like without it. In other words, she hates it, and wants it gone tonight.
- Ben has a strategy tonight. He’ll steal her away last, bring her a drink, and relax. Then they’ll come back and he’ll *hopefully* get the group date rose. Oh, this won’t blow up in his face at all.
- The guys are starting to wonder where Noah is. HE’S OFF SHAVING.
- We have a camera on Noah now.
- “Tayshia asked me to cut away a huge part of my life.” – Noah
- Noah thought she liked it and is worried he’ll look funny without it. Noah lives in opposite world.
- Noah is back and interrupts Jordan and Tayshia, right as Jordan is telling her all about his Leo qualities.
- He didn’t shave his moustache yet, but brought an electric razor and says he will either have stubble, or a babyface.
- Tayshia is the one shaving it off and SHE IS GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN. This is a major power move.
- Not only does she hate his facial hair, but she wants him to have razor burn for the next few days, in case he even thinks about growing it back.
- She’s using the electric razor as if it’s a paintbrush.
- Tayshia says he looks really good and he says, “Well, what was I before?”
- Tayshia and Noah come back to the group and Ben has missed his opportunity to talk to her! He tries to steal her away and she says, “Ben, the night’s over. I’m kind of disappointed you didn’t come find me earlier.”
- We saw this coming.
- Noah gets the group date rose. Without the moustache, he looks like he’s a member of an early 2000s boy band.
I miss not having the Rose Ceremony end the episode. It just feels like we ate half our lunch and got rushed outside for recess.
Anyway, that’s it for this week! Thanks for reading!
What did you think of the episode?