This episode of The Bachelorette is unlike any episode we’ve ever seen before because nothing is normal in 2020, not even a dating show.
~ It’s the morning after the rose-less group date and the guys are, you guessed it, bitter about Clare not giving out a rose on the group date.
~ Meanwhile, we see Clare writing in her journal and she tells us she’s falling in love with Dale.
~ Okay, that’s a wrap. Pack up the trucks. Cancel the food orders. Cut off the Wi-Fi. It’s over.
~ Almost as if the producers summoned Chris Harrison at the last second, he appears at her front door, out of breath.
~ “We need to talk.” – Chris
~ He tells her the guys in the house are upset and, “the path we’re on right now…we can’t continue.”
~ Clare reveals that she looked up the guys on social media during the COVID shutdown, but vehemently denies talking to Dale before they met on the show. I believe her.
~ “I feel like Dale is my match.” – Clare
~ Chris has guided this conversation to the point where it’s obvious the show can’t go on and that Clare just wants to spend as much time as she can with Dale.
~ “Congratulations, you’ve just blown up The Bachelorette.” – Chris
~ Cue the panicked phone calls to ABC executives.
CHRIS MEETS WITH THE GUYS
~ He tells the guys there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, nor will there be a Rose Ceremony.
~ Chris will see the guys tomorrow, BUT FIRST, he pulls Dale outside.
~ Everyone is confused, while Chris plays Cupid.
~ Chris tells Dale there is no cocktail party, or Rose Ceremony, because Clare wants to spend time with him tonight.
~ Chris has a “just watched The Parent Trap” vibe to him tonight.
DALE AND CLARE
~ It’s a “dinner date” and Clare is going to tell Dale how she feels.
~ She says she couldn’t give out a group date rose last night because she was thinking about him.
~ Clare is going into her Final Rose Ceremony speech (on Episode 4) and Dale is expressionless.
~ Clare’s parents’ names are James and Lily…
~ THAT MUST MEAN HER BROTHER IS HARRY POTTER. WHAT.
~ Which means…YOU’RE A WIZARD, CLARE.
~ Her parents met once, and then three weeks later they were engaged.
~ Quick math…carry the one…subtract the food…I think Clare and Dale have known each other for about three weeks now.
~ This is a really long conversation, uninterrupted by commercials, where they’re learning about each other and we get to hear it.
~ What show is this!?
~ Back at the house, the guys are wondering where Chris and Dale went. FIGURE IT OUT, GUYS.
~ Clare is back into her Final Rose Ceremony speech.
~ “All I know is that…I’m so falling in love with you.” – Clare
~ Dale says when they met, he felt love.
~ Alright, so they feel the same way.
~ The Casting Director is either going to get a huge raise, or fired.
~ I mean, good for them for figuring this out so…WHAT IS THIS???
~ Chris and Bri from the Listen To Your Heart Bachelor spin-off series are there to play music, while Clare and Dale dance spontaneously in the middle of a sidewalk? Courtyard?
~ I’m going to need a wide shot from Camera 4, to get my bearings.
~ Just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get stranger.
~ I forgot I watched that spin-off series. When did it come out? Let me check…APRIL OF THIS YEAR? That seems very impossible.
THE NEXT DAY
~ It’s the next day and we see that Dale spent the night with Clare.
~ Someone should really tell the other guys they’re no longer needed.
~ Clare tells us she genuinely wanted to give the other guys a chance, but nothing compares to what she has with Dale.
~ I feel like there are four guys she hasn’t even talked to yet.
~ Back at the house, the guys say Dale has been gone for 18 hours.
CHRIS VISITS CLARE
~ They talk about how Clare loves Dale and Dale loves her. The look on Chris’ face is just, “I’m happy for you, but the rest of this season is going to be more work than I wanted to put in for this crazy season.”
~ Chris says the next step is a proposal???
~ Are we rushing to this already??
~ Chris says it’s happening tonight. TO-WHEN?
~ Well knock me over and leave me there as a speed bump.
~ HAS ANYONE ASKED DALE IF HE WANTS TO PROPOSE?
~ This feels like a wrestling match that is going straight to the finish because one of the wrestlers got hurt.
~ Maybe it’s in the contract that if the bachelorette has picked the Final 1 by Episode 4, in exchange for messing up the entire season (and three months-worth of episodes), there must be a proposal.
~ TV shows love proposals, especially this one. It allows them to do swooping shots with a drone or a camera jib.
~ As far as I could tell, that date last night was done so 1) Clare and Dale could get on the same page re: blowing this popsicle stand; and 2) provide the show with a stepping stone they could place before a proposal.
~ As unprecedented (I know you all love this word) as this is, it would’ve been a bit too weird if Dale went from group dates to engaged in the matter of minutes. You can’t tell that story on TV.
~ I think way too much about the intricacies of this show. Help me.
CLARE FINALLY ADDRESSES THE GUYS
~ Clare asks how they’re doing and they say, “Alright”. Lies!
~ Has anyone ever broken up with 16 people at the same time before, because that’s what Clare is doing.
~ She says she has found what she wants in Dale.
~ Blake says he doesn’t know how Clare can be so sure, so fast. Yes, because that statement is going to change her mind and she’s going to date all of you now.
~ Sometimes, it’s best to say nothing.
~ One of the guys says she should apologize to the group. She asks for what.
~ SOMETIMES, IT’S BEST TO SAY NOTHING.
~ He says he could tell she was faking it and her head wasn’t there when talking to some of them.
~ She is not going to apologize for love.
~ I mean, the purpose of this show has been fulfilled. This should be a happy moment. Some of the guys express their happiness for her.
~ Here come the goodbye hugs.
~ Now that she’s gone, the guys are expressing their frustrations.
~ Are they mad they didn’t get enough screen time to gain a substantial amount of Instagram followers? This is a rhetorical question.
CHRIS HARRISON RUNS AROUND PLANNING A PROPOSAL
~ Chris FaceTimes Neil Lane and tell him he needs a ring…TODAY.
~ Doesn’t Neil need to quarantine for 14 days first?
~ Now Chris is checking in with Dale, probably to tell him Clare wants a proposal TODAY because he has no clue.
~ Man, Chris Harrison is good at leading conversations. He should be an interrogator, or a television host.
~ Chris tells Dale that Clare broke up with the other guys.
~ “There are no more steps.” – Chris
~ I mentioned steps earlier, didn’t I!?
~ Chris just said there is a FINAL STEP and that Clare will be waiting for him…waiting for a proposal.
CLARE IS STRESSED
~ Clare tells a producer that she doesn’t want to ruin a good thing because of the pressure, and if Dale isn’t at the same place as her, what do they do?
~ Well, they could exit the Bachelorette Bubble and be a couple in the real world?
~ Enter Chris Harrison. He is getting in his steps today, let me tell you.
~ Chris says she has to trust herself because this last hurdle is the biggest one for her to get over.
~ He’s pushing for this to end with a proposal soooo hard.
~ Can they let Clare call her family and friends and ask them for advice, or will they tell her to do something that won’t be a flashy TV moment?
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY, I GUESS
~ Clare takes her place, awaiting Dale’s arrival, when all of a sudden Chris walks in with something to tell her.
~ Is the ring not there yet? Because there is no way he’s going to tell her that Dale isn’t coming. Surely, this is misdirection.
~ “I just want to say, we are so proud of you.” – Chris
~ CAN’T FOOL ME, CHRISTOPHER B. HARRISON.
~ People are going to question them getting engaged on Episode 4, rather than taking their time and getting engaged on Episode 11. I say, let them be.
DALE HATH ARRIVED
~ Clare goes into her Final Rose Ceremony speech for the third time tonight.
~ “It’s wild, right?” – Dale
~ Dale goes into his speech.
~ Dale proposes with Neil Lane’s ring, which they had to pay Same Day Delivery shipping on, unless Neil was secretly in the bubble.
~ Clare accepts.
~ Dale accepts the final rose.
~ I joke on here a lot, but honestly, good for them. They seem to have found something that everyone (most people?) want, and they did it in a short period of time. Who are we to judge them, or say it’s too fast? It’s their decision. All the best to them.
THE NEXT DAY
~ The guys are packing up to leave.
~ Aw man, think of all the dates they never got to go on…at the other side of the resort.
~ Chris Harrison has arrived.
~ One of the guys asks Chris for his opinion on Clare researching Dale before the show. Chris says he was assured that there was no prior relationship.
~ Chris tells the guys that Clare and Dale got engaged last night and have left the bubble.
~ The guys are in disbelief, which is the exact reaction the cameras were hoping for.
~ Chris says he feels like the guys were cheated a little bit, which means they’re about to do something historic.
~ “Your journey is not over.” – Chris
~ Chris says they all need to make a decision by tonight, as to whether they want to stay, or go home. And in that time, they need to try and get over Clare.
~ Oh, okay.
~ Bennett is very excited for a clean slate.
~ Jason is taking this hard because he had a one-on-one with Clare where he opened up a lot, and now he’s being told to forget about her immediately. He doesn’t know if he’ll stay.
~ All of the guys have decided to stay.
~ The guys have put on their Limo Exit suits and are seated in a room. Chris Harrison joins them. He must be exhausted.
~ Don’t be surprised when he gets a co-host next season.
~ Chris announces that the new bachelorette is on her way, but won’t tell them who it is.
~ “We’re going to start The Bachelorette right now…again.” – Chris Harrison
~ SO LET IT BE WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE.
~ Ha, these guys went from months of knowing they were going to meet Clare, to five minutes notice that they’re going to meet a mystery woman.
~ Kenny says he likes this (not knowing anything about her) way better.
~ The limo pulls up outside and out comes Tayshia.
TAYSHIA IS THE NEW BACHELORETTE
~ The guys are stressing over the fact that this is a blind date.
The episode ends with a “…to be continued.”
I’ll be back next week for the fifth episode of the season…which will feel like the first episode…as well as the final episode, since they’re doing a Clare and Dale Tell All segment.
God, I miss normalcy.
Let me know what you thought of this episode.