I don’t feel like coming up with a creative introduction, so let’s get right into it. Cool? Cool.
~ We continue where we left off at the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony. There is something in the air tonight and I don’t think it’s love.
~ It might be hand sanitizer. That stuff lingers.
~ Yosef tells us that he’s questioning Clare’s maturity and thinks the strip dodgeball date was classless and distasteful.
~ Yosef is going to tell Clare how he feels and “wash his hands of this atrocity”.
~ A-ha! Maybe it is hand sanitizer in the air after all!
~ The production crew are probably saying in their headsets, “Get a car ready out front.”
~ Yosef tells Clare that he was appalled to hear about what happened on the dodgeball date. He calls it silly and immature.
~ He says there’s no way he’d want his family to see him like that and Clare says, “That’s why you were not on that date.”
~ Ohh, she just returned his serve. Alright, okay. Volleyball away.
~ I feel like the “strip dodgeball” idea wasn’t fully Clare’s, if at all. You have to think the producers came up with it. Every season, there is a date early on where people take their clothes off.
~ And then the show uses that footage in previews and commercials. So, basically, Yosef is mad at a marketing ploy and doesn’t even know it.
~ “I expected a lot more from the oldest bachelorette that’s ever been.” – Yosef
~ “You’re not setting the right example for my daughter…I’m ashamed to be associated with you.” – Yosef
~ Yosef is like that Manager in baseball who gets into an argument with an umpire for the sole purpose of being ejected from the game.
~ They’re on their feet now, exchanging harsh words.
~ “Do not ever talk to me like that…I would never want my children having a father like you. Get out of here!” – Clare
~ “You’re not fit to be a mother to MY child.” – Yosef
~ Yosef is walking away, still shouting insults back at Clare.
~ I’m always amazed at how easily the people on this show throw their reputation away.
~ Fermé la bouche.
~ He talks about her maturity level, but what about his? You don’t talk to her like that. You’re mad – fine. Go home. Stop embarrassing yourself on international TV.
~ Dale swoops in to make sure Clare is okay.
~ “Literally all I’ve ever wanted is a man like Dale, who will come over and protect me.” – Clare
~ Clare tells us she’s already falling in love with Dale. We haven’t even had the second Rose Ceremony yet.
~ Chris Harrison pulls up a chair to talk with Clare. He looks like a student who is having a conference with a teacher about an essay outline.
~ Clare tells the guys to put the cocktail glasses in the dishwasher because they’re going right to the Rose Ceremony. Okay, maybe not in those exact words.
~ The first rose goes to Dale.
~ Zac C., Demar, Brendan, Jordan, Joe, Jay, Bennett, Eazy, Ben, Ed, Ivan, and Kenny get roses.
~ Zach J. gets the final rose.
~ We’re on the third episode and I still have a hard time matching names with faces, outside of a few.
THE NEXT DAY
~ Some guys are sitting by the pool, talking about what Yosef did last night.
~ Chris Harrison walks in with his sleeves rolled up (as always) and calls them “boys” instead of “fellas”. I’m rattled.
~ Chris says that because of what happened, everyone will get a date this week.
~ Before we get to the date, DeAnna, the former bachelorette herself, visits Clare.
~ How is this possible? Did she quarantine for 14 days and receive clearance from Dr. Harrison?
~ I just want to know all the logistics behind everything that happens on this show.
~ This season is moving as slow as me after a Christmas feast.
~ Clare tells DeAnna: “This might be the shortest season ever.”
~ A few hours have passed and the guys are wondering where Clare is.
~ She walks in and says they were supposed to have a day portion of their date, but it’s been cancelled in favour of a really long cocktail party tonight.
~ I’m just glad people on this show are saying “day portion” because I’ve been saying it for years in these blog posts and they’ve never acknowledged it.
GROUP DATE (Jason, Jay, Eazy, Chasen, Blake Moynes, Ed, Riley, and Dale)
~ “Cheers to spending quality time together.” – Clare
~ This infers that the day portion of the date is not quality time. We already knew that, though.
~ Dale steals Clare away first, but before they leave, he asks for a group hug. It was as awkward as you think it was.
~ Clare brings him back to her house. This feels like a fantasy suite date.
~ Back at the main house, Zach J. is informed that he is getting a one-on-one date. I can’t remember any his previous interactions with Clare.
~ Back on the impromptu fantasy suite date, Dale and Clare have been away from the group for an hour.
~ Eazy is going to go look for them.
~ HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR OF CLARE’S HOUSE. HE’S PERSISTENT, LIKE HE’S SELLING SOMETHING NO ONE WANTS.
~ “No, go away! We don’t want your driveway sealer! We don’t care if it doubles as a shoe shine kit. We’re not home!”
~ Dale goes back to the group and is met with crickets. He has the biggest smile on his face, though.
~ Now we see Clare suggesting that her and Eazy go back to join the group, making it seem like they spent very little time together.
~ We’re now privy to some behind-the-scenes dialogue between Clare and a producer where Clare asks, “Can we kind of hurry the rest along?”
~ Oh man. The show is throwing her under the bus. Yeah, it’s obvious she only likes Dale, but now the show is actively painting her as a villain.
~ The only other time the show did this was on Juan Pablo’s season. No one liked him by the end of it. Clare was on that season, too.
~ All of the other guys are getting quick conversations in with Clare, when all of a sudden, Dale interrupts.
~ People are going to be mad at Clare and Dale. Their quick connection has ruined everything viewers like about the show. The whole “picking a favourite and wanting them to go far” aspect is completely gone.
~ This show is still so popular because it follows a formula that keeps viewers engaged. Clare and Dale have broken that formula.
~ Good for them for finding each other, but watching Clare ignore over a dozen guys and not really give anyone a shot, is not why we watch.
~ Dale gets the group date rose.
~ Chasen gives him a golf clap.
~ The guys look like they’re thinking, “We quarantined for two weeks for this?”
~ Dale tells the guys he believes he’s the best suited guy there. Dale cannot read a room.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Zach J.)
~ It’s going to be awkward seeing Clare hang out with someone not named Dale.
~ They are having a spa day. During a pandemic?
~ This is Zach’s first pedicure and he’s not comfortable at all. I wouldn’t be either.
~ Clare says Zach’s excited energy has turned into nervous energy and it stresses her out. She wishes Dale was there. Her words, not mine.
~ They’re in a pool now and Clare is on a floaty. Zach is having more of a connection with her dog than with her.
~ She leaned in for a kiss and then stopped an inch in front of his face. She pulled away as if it was his fault? Was there a glitch?
~ He then grabbed her by the neck (??) to pull her back towards him, as she tried to exit the pool.
~ Now they’re on land and Zach tries to kiss her again but she says, “It’s okay.” She’s brushing the whole thing off.
~ Zach tells us it was a huge mix up. No kidding.
~ Clare is telling us her side of the story and says Zach pulled away from the kiss. I reviewed the tape and that doesn’t appear to be the case.
~ She felt extremely uncomfortable.
~ That was an odd sequence and the footage doesn’t align with what Clare says happened.
~ It’s time for dinner and Zach is sitting at the table by himself. Is Clare not going to show up?
~ SHE ISN’T.
~ Let us pause and think about the effort that went into making the food that will not be eaten.
~ Chris Harrison shows up and says Clare isn’t coming for dinner, which means Zach is going home.
~ This is wild. Zach calls the whole kiss situation a misunderstanding.
GROUP DATE (Kenny, Brendan, Joe, Bennett, Jordan, and four other guys)
~ The guys are glad Dale isn’t on this date. I wonder if a producer asked them that question in their interview, or if they offered it up willingly.
~ It’s so easy to assume that the guys can’t stop talking about Dale in their interviews with the camera, but if the producers constantly ask about him to help with their narrative, then…
~ Not as if there is any other narrative this season, but still.
~ Margaret Cho is on this date. She’s a comedian.
~ The guys will be participating in a roast. The audience will be the guys not on the date.
~ Remember when I said Dale couldn’t read a room? He’s about to receive the audiobook.
~ Margaret starts off the roast by saying Bennett scares her and she can see him as the topic of a true crime podcast.
~ Alrighty then.
~ Dan Gheesling’s lookalike, Ben, is up first. I’d just like to point out that I made this comparison in the first episode and tonight, the real Dan Gheesling tweeted that he is not on The Bachelorette and Ben is not him.
~ The guys are taking a lot of shots at Dale, and Clare doesn’t seem to understand why.
~ It’s a non-stop barrage. I mean, they probably made jokes about other people, but we’re not going to see that. Not tonight. Not during this episode.
~ Bennett gets up there and says what all the guys are thinking, in regards to Dale.
~ The roast is over and we once again overhear Clare with producers. She didn’t find the jokes about Dale to be funny.
~ Clare goes into a spiel about “if” the guys are picking up on her connection with Dale, it’s because she likes him.
~ She says you can’t hate love, but stops short of quoting the John Cena lyric, “If they hate, let ’em hate.”
NIGHT PORTION OF THE DATE
~ Clare pulls Bennett aside first, to ask why he went at Dale so hard.
~ Bennett says he gave Dale enough air time during the roast and would like to talk about something else.
~ Clare doesn’t seem to want to drop it.
~ Clare is now interrogating Ben over his Dale jokes.
~ Zac C. is now forced to explain himself. He says Clare is a “gossip girl”. Xoxo, right?
~ Now Kenny needs to explain himself.
~ Clare isn’t asking the guys about themselves. She probably doesn’t care.
~ The guys feel like she’s only interested in Dale and they’re wasting their time.
~ The group date rose goes to NO ONE. She “didn’t get what she needed today”.
~ Clare says she has to go sleep on things and has a lot to think about.
~ She sneaks away without hugging anyone! Oh, that’s so cold. No hugs!
~ Clare tells a producer, “I didn’t want to sit there and go, ‘you dished on my fiancé so hard…'”
~ FIANCÉ? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
~ The guys are left to talk about how Clare has tunnel vision and doesn’t care to give anyone else a chance.
PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK
~ “You’ve just blown up the bachelorette” – Chris
~ “Clare’s gone.” – Blake?
~ The closing shot is TAYSHIA popping out of the pool, seemingly right where Clare and Zach had their awkward moment.
~ If you can’t put the puzzle pieces together, Tayshia is allegedly going to be the new bachelorette after Clare leaves with Dale. Spoiler alert.
I now have one week to figure out how this affects how I write the title of these posts. As if I needed that stress in my life.
Let me know your thoughts below.