Pack a snack and then pack another one because we’re venturing back into the wardrobe for episode two of: The Chronicles of The Bachelorette: The Clare, the Dale, and the Massive Waste of Time. Now available on VHS!
~ The guys all congregate under one roof at the resort. It’s like they’re at summer camp and each cabin has a different activity.
~ I hope we see them in the dining hall. Who will need to be encouraged to eat “just three more bites” before they can go on a date? Find out…TONIGHT. Maybe.
~ Chris Harrison enters with his sleeves rolled up and says, “Fellas”. Ah, some things never change.
GROUP DATE (Riley, Jordan, Yosef, Ivan, Ben, Bennett, Zac C., Zach J., and Dale)
~ The guys form a singe-file line and follow hearts on the ground to get to their date destination.
~ Clare tells us that she specifically picked Dale to be on this date.
~ Camp Director Chris is also on the date, to walk them through the different love languages.
~ Clare will be positioned in the window of a castle (?) as the men speak words of affirmation to her.
~ One guy should just be like, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair” but I doubt they even know who Rapunzel is.
~ They all say their piece, but she seems most impressed by Dale, even though his speech wasn’t that different from the others.
~ The guys not on the date are having a belly flop competition…because it’s camp, when all of a sudden the guys on the date come running by and into their respective
~ Dale splits his pants and Bennett looks like Stu from Mrs. Doubtfire.
~ The second part of the love language date is: gifts. Ah, so that’s what the guys went to get from their luggage.
~ Ivan gives Clare a chess piece (Queen), in hopes that he’ll be her King one day.
~ The next guy gives her a baseball from the last game he ever played in 2012. He wrote on it, “Don’t complain, just figure it out.”
~ I hope he gets the ball back.
~ Next guy gives her his favourite t-shirt. I don’t care if he gets it back.
~ Dale gives her perfume for her dogs. Do they smell? What’s he implying?
~ The next love language they’ll be exploring is: physical touch.
~ They will be hugging each other, while blindfolded.
~ Zach J. says he has tried to smell good ever since he was 12-years-old because his step-mom told him boys should smell good.
~ The guys are uncomfortable watching Clare with Dale. This is going to be a theme.
~ Day has turned to night and it is time for them to spend some quality time with Clare because quantity time is impossible on this show.
~ They are all sitting together and Clare is waiting for someone to steal her away for a chat, but no one is! This is a first for this show.
~ Finally, Bennett pulls her away. She asks him to tell her about himself.
~ “New York, Harvard guy.” – Bennett, thinking she asked for his social media bio
~ Somewhere, a money bag just got its wings.
~ Clare can’t stop thinking about what just happened with the guys, probably because Bennett hasn’t given her anything new to think about.
~ Oh, here we go.
~ She leaves their chat to go back to the guys and tell them how embarrassed she was that no one took the initiative to talk to her.
~ Yosef says he’ll speak for the group, but Clare says, “You can speak for yourself!”
~ What is happening??
~ Now all the guys are standing up, trying to make amends.
~ I feel like this was all a misunderstanding because the guys are new to the show and don’t know when they’re allowed to pull her away from the group. The producers have them stand/sit in certain spots all the time, perhaps they didn’t know they had the freedom to go elsewhere?
~ Yosef wanted to say they’re all here for her, but Riley says he doesn’t want anyone speaking for him.
~ “There is no me and you.” – Riley, directed at Yosef
~ Clare has disappeared with Dale. Bennett is still waiting, alone in the room Clare left him in. We may never see him again.
~ We are half an hour in and I’m ready to declare this a disaster. Ten points to whoever finds the pun in that sentence.
~ Clare to Dale: “Thanks for pulling me away, it makes me feel like you care.”
~ Dale scares her because of how she already feels about him.
~ Back at Camp Bro, Jason finds out he’s getting a one-on-one date.
~ Meanwhile, Clare is enjoying a chat with Zac C.
~ Alert the production truck, Clare likes someone other than Dale. The season is saved! For now.
~ Riley is slow dancing with Clare to bring back memories of high school prom. Ugh why?
~ My high school prom was on the night of the NHL Draft and that was the first time I ever sent a text message.
~ Riley gets the group date rose. Bennett has re-joined the group. And Yosef tells us that he thought the response from Clare tonight was hotheaded and immature.
~ We are way too early in the season for this much animosity.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Jason)
~ Before the date, she wants Jason to write a letter to his younger self. This is like if a professor assigned a reading before Syllabus Day.
~ This date is taking place by a campfire because the producers knew I would turn this episode into a giant camp analogy.
~ Clare says they’re going to practice letting go. Are they going to tie their letters to a helium balloon and release them?
~ Nope. They’re screaming as loud as they can. Oh. Well, that also works.
~ Now they’re writing down things they’ve been told about themselves that hurt them.
~ At least we’re getting some real, emotional, meaningful chats out of this. In previous seasons, they’d be on a boat in the middle of nowhere by now, getting a sunburn.
~ They are now throwing their clipboard (?) against the rocks to shatter their past.
FOOD (Yes, this heading is necessary)
~ They both read their letters, and right before we go to commercial, the camera zooms in on a spread of food that neither of them have touched!
~ I spy green grapes, prosciutto, and…is that bread? The sandwiches that never were. Sad.
~ This show needs an “In Memoriam” for all the food that went uneaten on dates.
~ Jason gets a rose. Okay, now eat the food.
~ Wait, Clare just pulled out the dress she wore at the finale of Juan Pablo’s season.
~ She’s throwing the dress in the fire!
~ I feel like she’s one ritual away from fully defeating Voldemort, or something.
~ Eat a grape! Voldemort hates fruit!
GROUP DATE (Eazy, Kenny, Garin, Joe, Blake Moynes, Brandon, Jay, Brendan, Chasen, and Jason)
~ They are playing dodgeball! The camp activities continue!
~ The guys are so relieved they get to play sports.
~ Camp Director Chris stops the game with a whistle! He divides them into two teams; the winning team spends the evening with Clare.
~ Oh, Clare wants them to play strip dodgeball.
~ This is going to be uncomfortable.
~ The blue team lost, as Clare consoles their naked (and afraid) bodies with hugs.
~ I was right. That was uncomfortable.
~ The blue team walks home in their underwear. What a team bonding moment…?
~ They walk in the house and sit on the couch with the guys who weren’t on the date.
~ That couch will be burned in the morning, if someone doesn’t toss it in the pool in the middle of the night.
~ Back on the date, Eazy pulls Clare away and gives her a foot massage…while her shoe is still on.
~ Clare is with Chasen now, and reveals she never went to prom because she was “invisible in high school”.
~ Blake Moynes, from Canada, has put on some clothes and is headed back to the date. He’s breaking the rules!
~ He immediately steals Clare away from Jay, who is wondering why no one is stepping in to say he can’t do that.
~ “Didn’t you lose?” – Jay
~ Haha oh Jay, ya silly moose. It’s The Bachelorette. There are no rules.
~ All five guys – sans burgers and fries – are now going to confront Blake. They call him a sore loser.
~ They are so mad that their reward for winning strip dodgeball on a dating show, is being compromised.
~ Clare sends Blake away, as to not disrespect the guys who won.
~ She’s now sitting down with Brandon, who looks like Carey Price.
~ Brandon says he saw that she was the bachelorette and knew he wanted to sign up, however, he knows nothing about her.
~ This irks her because he can’t say why he wanted to come on the show, other than that she’s beautiful.
~ She’s really bothered that he didn’t Google her before coming on the show.
~ Alright, Clare. This is unfair. Maybe he didn’t want to have a preconceived notion of who you were before he met you?
~ Maybe he would rather hear you tell him about yourself, instead of reading it on the internet??
~ Maybe he wanted you both to get to know each other at the same pace?
~ Maybe he saw you and had the same reaction you had when Dale got out of the limo?
~ Hey, there was a time when the “contestants” didn’t know who the bachelor/bachelorette was until they rolled up in the limo. Give this guy a break.
~ Brandon is sitting there sweating, feeling terrible, and she’s ending things right here and now with him. This is unfair.
~ Clare says she’s having conversations with the other guys about things they appreciate about her, but Brandon can’t tell her one thing he likes about her.
~ BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW YOU YET. THAT’S THE POINT OF THIS DATE.
~ I’m perplexed.
~ Brandon just got hit by a bus and he didn’t even know he was outside.
~ The group date rose goes to Chasen.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
~ Yosef felt humiliated on his group date, and hearing about how Clare made guys strip while playing dodgeball, isn’t sitting well with him.
~ Yosef will confront Clare later. Spoiler: It will not go well.
~ Clare steals Blake Moynes away first.
~ The guys stand around very awkwardly when Clare is around. It’s like they don’t know how to act on this show.
~ Clare tells Blake she thought it was amazing that he came back to the date, even though his team lost the dodgeball game.
~ She gives him a rose, so he doesn’t have to worry.
~ And the second he walks back in that house, he will be Public Enemy #1. Did the producers put her up to this?
~ In the house he goes and they all stare daggers right through his Canadian heart.
~ Eazy declares, going forward, there will be no rules of engagement. Finally, someone gets it.
~ Meanwhile, Dale has snuck off with Clare. She puts the blindfold from their date back on him and they kiss.
~ Yeah, the rest of the guys are just wasting their time now.
The episode ends there, as we’ll have to wait until next week to find out who will be sent home, and who will be forced to stick around and watch Dale get all the attention.
What did you think of this episode? What do you think happens to the uneaten food on dates?