In a year where we’ve all been encouraged to keep our distance from other human beings, it feels a bit weird to be watching a new season of The Bachelorette. And yet here I sit, as they prepare to swap sp…nope, not going to say it.
This season was filmed in a bubble. Everyone was quarantined, tested, and cleared to participate. So, good for them for finding a safe way to do this and for giving us something to watch.
The bachelorette this season is Clare Crawley from Sacramento, California. She first appeared on Juan Pablo’s season in 2014. She also appeared on two seasons of Bachelor in Paradise, and one season of Bachelor Winter Games.
Personally, I’m excited it’s her. She’s always been one of the most confident, honest, and straightforward people to be associated with this franchise, so I’m glad she’s finally in charge of handing out the roses.
Best of luck to Clare.
~ Chris Harrison and his bevy of hand gestures welcome us to a new season of The Bachelorette.
~ He said, “during times like these” and “these most troubling times” in his monologue, which means I must start a “These Times” Counter.
~ “These Times” Counter: 2
~ We go back to the Before Times and see Chris telling Clare that she is the next Bachelorette.
~ Now we get the obligatory Clare/Juan Pablo breakup footage from 2014, followed by a montage of her appearances on Bachelor in Paradise.
~ Clare is looking out her window as if someone just dropped a pizza in a puddle, while they tell the story of the pandemic altering their filming schedule.
~ The show will be filmed in a Bachelorette Bubble in La Quinta, California at La Quinta Resort & Club. Book your stay today…or in 2025.
~ Oh nice, a time lapse of Clare quarantining in her room. This feels like an episode of Big Comfy Couch.
~ Dr. Chris Harrison knocks on her door and informs her she has tested negative for COVID-19. I feel like this is a HIPAA violation.
~ I want to know who knocked on Chris’ door to tell him he had tested negative.
~ The men are moving into the resort – it looks like they each have their own house – and film their reactions to getting swabbed up the nose.
~ I feel like we could’ve skipped the whole, “these are the mundane things we did while in quarantine” video package. WE KNOW. WE LIVED IT.
~ Clare pulls up to the makeshift mansion to have a chat with Chris Harrison.
~ Chris talks about how no one else in the world can find love the way Clare will be doing so here. And how is that different from any other season, Christopher?
~ We can’t all just walk into a room where we’re the only option for 30 potential spouses.
~ It’s just about time to get this show on the
road television. So far, Clare has been giving off confident, decisive, Trista-from-Season-1, vibes.
~ These men better not be stupid. This is Clare Crawley. Don’t mess this up.
~ Out of the limo first is Ben, who is an Army Ranger Veteran. He looks like Dan Gheesling from Big Brother. They hug for 2.05 seconds. Yes, I have a stopwatch.
~ Next up is Riley. He is an attorney. He says Clare is guilty, as charged, for looking beautiful in her dress. He practiced that line for 14 days, I guarantee it.
~ Zac C. is up next, which means we must have another Zac on the way? He believes everything happens for a reason.
~ Here comes Jordan M., who seems to be expecting a flood. He left his socks at home and his pants end before his ankles. Either this is an 8D chess move, or he had a laundry mishap.
~ The next guy out is Jason, who also isn’t wearing socks! His pants also end above his ankles! What is happening inside Limo #1? I haven’t even mentioned that he showed up “pregnant”.
~ Clare exited the limo on her season with a “baby bump”, so Jason thought it was a great idea to do the same…and have her remember the time she met Juan Pablo??
~ YOU HAD 14 DAYS WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH? GET BACK IN THE LIMO. GO. SKEDADDLE.
~ Ivan is an Aeronautical Engineer. So, rocket scientist? He speaks a bit of Tagalog to tell Clare she’s very beautiful. They held a hug for 1.58 seconds.
~ Here comes Kenny, who is a Boy Band Manager. He’s wearing a t-shirt – with Clare’s dogs printed on it – and a sports jacket. I don’t know how Boy Band Managers are supposed to dress, but this feels spot on.
~ Brendan, with a bow tie, is up next. Clare wiggles his bowtie like he’s a 4-year-old at a wedding. This sparked my first genuine laugh of the night.
~ Mike, from Calgary, brought Clare a pair of sandals so she’ll be more comfortable. What a Canadian.
~ I’d love to hear the backstory. Was he sending photos of sandals to his mom or sister (if he has one), asking what looks nice? Or did he just pick up the ones that sparkled? How many photos of women’s sandals are on this man’s phone?
~ Let me host a show called, Inside The Rose, and we’ll get to the bottom of this.
~ Jeremy promises to make Clare laugh as much as possible. They hug for 1.41 seconds.
~ Blake Monar is a Male Grooming Specialist and only buttoned up 60% of his shirt.
~ Tyler C. pulls up in a station wagon and says he packed up his entire life to be here. He wants kids and dogs.
~ Tyler C. looks like someone, but I can’t put my finger on it.
~ A Rolls Royce rolls up and out comes Bennett, a Wealth Management Consultant. He is wearing a bow tie and a white scarf. His persona is a cross between JBL and MJF. That was a spot-on wrestling reference if there ever was one.
~ Blake Moynes also left his socks at home. They hug for a whopping 5.62 seconds, which might be a new show record!
~ Next out of the limo is Chris, who is as nervous as a popcorn kernel, which means he’s there for the right reasons.
~ AJ also forgot to finish doing up the buttons on his shirt. All his friends tell him he gives terrible first impressions. As he’s holding Clare’s hands, he squeezes too hard and she’s in pain.
~ OFF WITH YOU. BACK TO THE LIMO YOU GO. THOU SHALT NOT HURT CLARE.
~ Joe shows up and says he’s here to save her love life. He has a stethoscope.
~ A few years ago, we had Joey Grocery. Does this guy want to be Joey Stethoscopey?
~ Garin says he’s “kiiiinda fun”. He says it twice. Oh no.
~ Robby says he is super excited to meet her.
~ Eazy busts through a sign that says, “Your Future Husband”. I’m assuming he got the idea because he’s a Sports Marketing Agent. He calls her his first round draft pick.
~ Something tells me this guy has a full playbook of sports analogies.
~ Jay comes out in a straitjacket because it’s been 128 days since he was supposed to meet her and he’s gone a bit crazy since then. His words, not mine. They don’t hug BECAUSE HE’S IN A STRAITJACKET.
~ Jay, this is not a winning formula. Who put you up to this?
~ How many men have ever met their future wife, while wearing a straitjacket? It has to be less than zero, right? This is not the way.
~ Here comes a knight in shining armour. His name is Chasen. He leaves all the armour on the driveway and walks away. Yes, women love men who leave a mess everywhere they go. It’s called the Pigpen Effect.
~ Demar shows up attached to a parachute and says he’s fallen for her already.
~ Here comes Ed, who is in a bubble. No socks on Ed, either.
~ Call me old-fashioned, but I couldn’t fathom wearing dress shoes without socks.
~ Yosef has brought her MoonPies. I looked it up, there is no space between Moon and Pie.
~ “Who brought the cookies?” “They’re MoonPies.”
~ From what I can tell, the Canadian equivalent to MoonPies is, Jos Louis. The half-moon Jos Louis were my favourite because the straight edge would have a thicker layer of chocolate, than if you had a full-moon Jos Louis.
~ Thank you for coming to my Fed Talk.
~ Jordan C. brings her some popcorn.
~ This is turning into a potluck. I swear, if I see a veggie platter, I’m going to type aggressively in all caps.
~ Zach J. gets on one knee and opens a ring box that makes a farting noise.
~ BACK IN THE LIMO FOR YOU.
~ Brandon meets Clare without any hokey gimmick and kisses her on the cheek – the only one to do so. He’s there for the right reasons.
~ Out comes Dale, who is a self-proclaimed hugger. It was a pick-up hug and lasted for 3.15 seconds. Blake Moynes’ hug was longer and he wasn’t even wearing socks.
~ Clare is smiling more than she’s ever smiled in her life.
~ Dale goes inside and Clare is left breathless. Someone should call Joe back out to save her. He has a stethoscope!
~ She says, “it feels like I just met my husband.”
~ Alright, everyone else can form an orderly line out front. Your limos will be back to pick you up, shortly. Please split the last of the cookies, as you wait.
~ “THEY’RE MOONPIES.”
~ Chris checks in to make sure Clare knows what she just said because, you know, more guys are coming and they need to make enough episodes to fill the next three months.
~ Here comes Page. No socks.
~ IT’S AN EPIDEMIC WRAPPED IN A PANDEMIC.
~ Tyler S. is a Music Manager. His best friend in the house will be the Boy Band Manager. I have made this decision for them.
~ That’s all of ’em. Let the games begin.
CLARE ENTERS THE HOUSE
~ Clare gives a great, genuine speech and then is immediately stolen away by someone. I don’t know their name.
~ Eazy and Clare bond over the fact that their mothers always ask them if they’ve met someone yet. Ah, nothing like a little familial pressure to bring two people together.
~ Clare sits down with Dale – the guy who she thinks could be her future husband.
~ “During this time…”
~ “These Times” Counter: 3
~ Their interaction is very natural and he didn’t even have to show up with any props!
~ Clare’s dogs have joined the cocktail party. They will sniff out the guys who are only there for Instagram followers and cross-reference that list with the guys who aren’t wearing any socks.
~ One guy presents Clare with a picture that his niece drew of her.
~ Joe has some kind of origami display, where each piece is a member of the show. It’s fun. He makes her laugh. Joe is a good guy.
~ A guy asks Clare if she’s seen the movie, My Cousin Vinnie. She hasn’t because she likes to be outdoors. He says he also likes to be outdoors.
~ “Don’t even put me indoors at all…I want a cabin in the woods.” – Guy, whose name I don’t know right now (Edit: It’s Jason)
~ Clare asks if he’ll be murdering people out there. That is a fantastic follow-up question.
~ Ah, his name is Jason. He’s the one that showed up “pregnant”. I think I told him to get back in the limo. Clare seems to like him. I’ll let him stay.
~ Into the living room walks Christopher B. Harrison, to drop off the First Impression Rose. He says, “fellas”, as always.
~ Tyler C. has some dirt on Yosef. Something about being reckless on Instagram. This will blow up soon.
~ Soon seems to be right now. Tyler calls Yosef over to talk about what he knows about him talking to girls on Instagram.
~ Yosef brushes the whole thing off and goes straight to Clare to say that Tyler is dragging his name through the mud.
~ Clare gets both of them together and will interrogate them like a mature adult.
~ Clare asks Yosef if he has a girl friend who thinks she’s his girlfriend. Solid question. This show loves that exact storyline.
~ That whole spat is over with, for now.
~ Clare sits down with Blake Moynes and tells him she’s glad he reached out to her during quarantine, even though it’s against the rules of the show to do that. She really appreciated him checking on her.
~ I missed it before, but Blake is from Hamilton, Ontario. No wonder he had the longest hug of the night.
~ Clare pulls Dale aside and presents him with the First Impression Rose.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
~ Not to be confused with, The Rosée Ceremony.
~ Night has turned to Morning, which means everyone is exhausted. One guy appears to have pink eye. I wonder if he knows.
~ Blake Moynes, from Canada, gets the first rose.
~ Eazy, Ben, Riley, Zach J., Tyler S., Joe, Jason, Demar, Chasen, and Jordan C. get roses 2-11.
~ Blake Monar, not from Canada, gets the 12th rose.
~ Kenny, Brendon, Garin, Ed, Bennett – who is STILL wearing his scarf -, Zac C., Jay – who is STILL in his straitjacket, and Brandon receive roses 13-20.
~ As long as Brendon and Brandon are both on the show, I’m going to need everyone else to really enunciate.
~ Ivan gets the penultimate rose.
~ The final rose is going to Yosef or Tyler C., isn’t it?
~ Yosef gets the final rose, which means the drama surrounding him will probably continue.
~ It took me the whole episode, but I finally figured it out. Tyler C. looks like LA Rams Head Coach, Sean McVay. For a while, I was going to say Ryan Atwood, but the hair wasn’t lining up.
Well, that’s it. We’ve reached the end of the first episode.
If you made it this far, you are a superstar. Thank you! I really appreciate it.
See you next Wednesday!
What did you think of the first episode? Do you have any favourites? Why did so many guys show up without socks?