I watched The Goonies at the end of August and it has taken me this long to muster up the motivation to write about it. Needless to say, I will be leaning on Wikipedia to fill in the gaps in my memory.
Let’s get this out of the way early: I did not like the movie. I found it boring and had a hard time getting into the characters and plot.
The movie begins with a man breaking out of jail and hopping in a getaway car – commissioned by his brother and mother – at the designated rendezvous, directly outside the police station.
Meet the Fratelli family! I say that as if they are contestants on Family Feud, but no. They are a crime family.
Mama Fratelli reminded me of the bird lady from Home Alone 2. One of her sons looks like he was born to be a movie villain. Can’t quite put my finger on why I came to that conclusion, but I think it’s his skin care routine. The other son reminded me of Wayne Szalinski from Honey, I Shrunk The Kids, otherwise known as Rick Moranis.
I was so excited to reference Rick Moranis in this post because I hadn’t heard his name a lately. And then a couple of weeks after I watched this movie, but failed to write this post, he reappeared in a commercial with Ryan Reynolds and it was a big deal. And now Rick is in the news again for being randomly attacked!
I seem to have a knack for thinking of something and then seeing it appear somewhere else. I was thinking about writing this post tonight and then I went on Twitter and someone I follow was tweeting about The Goonies. How dare they know my inner thoughts?
Alright, enough italics.
Anyway, we’re introduced to a cast of kids who are the focal point of the film.
At this point, I was feeling a very 80s/90s childhood vibe and thinking I was really going to like the movie. Surely, this band of misfits would, inevitably, roam around town without telling their parents and get into some sort of mischief. You could just tell.
At the same time, I was a bit confused because whenever I had heard about The Goonies, I did not envision humans. Is that weird to say? I pictured deformed creatures that had slime coming out of their ears and nostrils.
Surely, they didn’t have Kleenex or Q-Tips at the ready, during allergy season. It’s fine. I’d be able to look past it. Maybe.
But that’s not what this movie is. At all.
I think I was lead astray many years ago when I saw a GIF of the character, Sloth, and didn’t fully understand what I was seeing. So I just pictured a bunch of odd-shaped pumpkin-people comprising the cast.
I imagined a lot of prosthetics.
The premise of the movie is that some property development company, with no soul, wants to build a country club right on top of these kids’ houses.
“Buh-bye, go live somewhere else. We need this land so we can suck at playing tennis and then sit by the pool and complain when an unsupervised kid does a cannon ball and splashes us with water.”
The children don’t like that, so they conveniently stumble upon a treasure map in Mikey’s attic, and he obsesses over the loot left behind by One-Eyed Willy.
Mikey would grow up to star in the movie, Rudy, which would be shown in high schools all across Toronto. True story.
I didn’t really like the Mikey character. His gusto style of leadership wasn’t convincing me to follow him. Whenever he tried to rally the troops, it was in a very forceful, “Aw shucks, c’mon guys, we gotta do it for this 300-year-old pirate!”
In retrospect, I can see exactly why he was cast as Rudy.
I might as well talk about his other friends now.
Data was my favourite. He was the Inspector Gadget of the group and always had something up his sleeve, shirt, and coat. Literally. It was a touching moment at the end of the movie when we found out his father is the exact same way.
I didn’t really care for the Mouth character. He was definitely the type of kid who stayed up until 1AM and watched things on TV he was too young for. I feel like we all went to school with a kid like that.
Now on to Chunk. I’m disappointed in myself that I didn’t like this character. I can hear people already shouting, “How could you not like Chunk!?”
I know! I was shocked too.
But I found him to be really annoying. He was a loudmouth and reminded me of some other actors, who I won’t name because that’s mean.
His antics didn’t pull me in. Maybe I’m too old for this because Goldberg in the Mighty Duck movies shares many similar traits and I love that character. But I watched those movies as a kid, so now I see it through the lens of nostalgia, whereas I see Chunk through the lens of an a-ah-ahh-adult.
Sorry, must’ve been a fur ball.
The whole pursuit for buried treasure, that took the kids underground and into caves for most of the movie, didn’t interest me the way it should have.
Why was there so much lighting down there? I’m not even mad that the booby traps were still fully functional. Just, why was everything so well-lit? It was the antithesis to Ozark if there ever was one.
They finally reach One-Eyed Willy’s pirate ship, which is enclosed in a cave. It was a cool image, but because this isn’t my first rodeo, all that was repeating in my head was, “Wow, look at this massive soundstage.”
The magic of some movies is dependant upon how old the viewer is when they see it for the first time. If I were 10-years-old watching this, I wouldn’t think twice about it. I’d see a ship, I’d see water, and that’s it.
Instead…”Wow, look at this massive soundstage.”
After everyone (I think) walks the plank because The Fratelli family shows up just in the nick of time, Chunk and Sloth show up to save the day after bonding over their love of food while held captive.
The Fratelli clan also end up jumping in the water. At this point, it felt like a synchronized diving competition.
Guys, it’s a massive ship. Hunker down, don’t go near the edge. You don’t have a change of clothes.
Somehow, the cave…wait for it…caves in and no one gets hurt. Instead, they all end up on a beach where the kids’ families are waiting for them. How perfect!
It was a very kids-getting-off-a-roller-coaster-and-looking-for-their-parents-who-are-all-huddled-together vibe.
The kids come out with no treasure, as papers are about to be signed for the country club. But wait! The housekeeper finds some valuables in Mikey’s bag and his dad rips up the contract!
SPA SATURDAYS ARE CANCELLED.
I don’t know how they so quickly determined those items would be worth enough to prevent the foreclosure, but hey, it was 1985. You just had to sound like you knew what you were talking about. No one was going to fact-check you with Google.
The kids don’t have to move and Chunk tells his parents that Sloth is going to move in with them.
Pfft, and they say the relationships on The Bachelor are formed too quickly…
And those are my thoughts on The Goonies.
Let me know what you think. Are you a fan of The Goonies? What makes this a classic film, that I’m clearly missing? What should I watch next?