50 Thoughts XXXII

1. Kids these days will never experience finding 25 cents in a payphone, only for their parents to ask them, sternly, “Do know how many germs are on those phones!?”

2. The song, “Mr. Roboto”, doesn’t really get going until the 3:10 mark. Shame.

3. New Idea: The Olympup Games. The announcer will go, “And here come the German Shepherds from Germany, or as they are referred to in their home country – Shepherds.”

3.5 “And here come the Canadian synchronized doggy paddle team. They train out of Newfoundland and Labradoodle.”

4. If you hold a roll of paper towels, horizontally, it looks like toilet paper for giants.

5. Whenever a dad posts a picture of their kid on social media, there is always another dad who comments, “Good thing they got their mother’s looks!” 

6. If you eat enough parsley, you can speak parseltongue.

7. So, we’re calling these The Boring 20s, right? 

8. My thoughts regarding Too Hot To Handle can be found, exclusively, on my friend Cass’ blog. Click HERE to read our baffledness. 

8.5 I know “baffledness” isn’t a word, but it is the only word assemblage of letters that makes sense in this context.

9. These “Don’t Rush Challenge” videos with multiple people in them are starting to drive me up the wall, across the ceiling, and into the light fixture.

9.5 WHY ARE YOU THROWING YOUR PHONE AROUND LIKE IT’S A BOUNCY BALL?

10. The most country thing about me is my love of donuts from Country Style. Yee-Haw..aiian donuts?

11. When all of this is over, can we agree to not ask each other “what’s new?” for the next six months. And if we like not having to answer that question, we’ll extend it indefinitely. 

12. I am a handful of mixed seeds, and a 25-minute talk about yard work with the neighbours, away from being a full-fledged house husband. This is a call for help. 

13. Is it bad that I don’t like the song, “Imagine”?

14. I have always seen Carol and Daryl as having a mother-son relationship on The Walking Dead, but people have wanted them to be a couple for years. I don’t see it.

15. If a shoelace and a necklace switched places, would they also switch names?

16. I was taught that when you use contractions in your writing, it takes away the importance of the words, so I try and avoid them when I can. 

17. Three WWE superstars I’m currently excited for are: Bianca Belair, Austin Theory, and Liv Morgan. Oodles of potential with all three.

18. I was bored enough to look up what Animal Crossing is. Sadly, it has nothing to do with chickens crossing the road. Missed opportunity.

18.5 Unrelated, but related: Chickens walk like they always have a wedgie. 

19. The first five turns of the Japanese Grand Prix, in the 2012 Formula 1 video game, are absolutely chaotic. There’s a 98% chance you’re losing pieces of the front wing.

19.5 The hairpin at Turn 6 in Monaco is also gnarly. It is a 35-car pile up, in a 24-car race. No rear wing is safe.

20. There was a kid crying outside the other day. I like to think they represented all of us in that moment.

21. There is always at least one comment under every song on the Song Meanings website, that says the lyrics are about a relationship. No, Romeo, it’s about the YMCA. Do the dance and move on.

22. 93 years from now, when movies are set in 2015, the wardrobe department is going to have so many pictures to look at to see how people dressed in 2015.

23. The best magazine ad I ever saw was for Imodium. It was a full-page picture of a house and groceries scattered across the front walkway and yard. The front door was wide open. Just brilliant.

24. I’ve started doing stretches before going to sleep, in an attempt to not wake up sore in the morning. I aged about 80 years just writing that.

25. It is incomprehensible to me that I have lost weight during this time at home. All I think about is my next meal. 

26. In last month’s edition of 50 Thoughts, I said the Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform wasn’t good enough for someone like Tom Brady. They must’ve heard me because on April 7th, they unveiled new uniforms.

27. Back in my day, which feels like it was 240 BC, we used Skype and Oovoo. 

28. It is alarming how many people are uncomfortable by the word, “moist”. “Most” and “mist” are fine, but add the “oi” together and it’s “OH NO, DON’T SAY IT”.

29. If you’re looking for a show on Netflix to cleanse your viewing palate, may I suggest, The Big Show Show. It is a fun, little sitcom that I enjoyed a lot more than I thought I would.

30. I’ve never liked doing push-ups, but since this social distancing thing started, I’ve done two (2) (deux) (dos) (due) push-ups. So, hear me roar, or whatever.

31. I’m assuming we all mastered the, “There’s a coin on the ground, let me step on it and drag it until I can pick it up” maneuver at a young age. 

32. You gotta think we’re only a few days away from a comic strip of a doctor calling a family asking if anyone is sick, to which they reply, “Only of each other.”

33. I have watched the Jose Bautista bat flip home run, no less than 63 times in the last 48 hours. I don’t think most people realize the bat didn’t even go that far.

33.5 Elvis Andrus should’ve left the building in that 7th inning. Fake a paper cut and get the hell out of there.

34. Socks are a scam. 

35. Ichiro Suzuki was the coolest visiting player I saw in-person as a kid. 

36. Being Italian is exhausting. I blame the carbs.

37. If you go back and watch episodes of The Newlywed Game from the 1970s, it’ll take you two seconds to feel uncomfortable by some of the things that are said.

38. Chloe Fineman is slowly turning into a breakout star on Saturday Night Live.

39. I’ve learned that rainy days do a better job keeping people inside, than the threat of contracting a deadly virus.

40. The contestants on Survivor can last up to 39 days without toilet paper.

41. I don’t like how the media rushed the court when the Raptors won the NBA Championship last year. The players couldn’t really celebrate with each other. I also didn’t like how the owner got the trophy first.

42. I follow about nine people on Instagram, who are currently doing the 30-day song challenge. I don’t think any of them are on the same day.

43. “Hey all you pool noodles and floaties!” – A lifeguard starts a vlog

44. You are the weakest link, goodbye.

45. My life goal is to lead a focus group of people who leave stupid comments on the internet, so I can ask them what they were thinking. They won’t get lunch until I’m satisfied with their answers.

45.5 Yes, their lunch is humble pie.

46. How we feel about each day of the week is dependent upon how we feel about the days that come immediately before and after.

47. Jason Bateman is always on the verge of screaming in Ozark, while Julia Garner makes you forget you’re even watching a fictional show.

48. Conspiracy Theory: Linda Cardellini from Freaks & Geeks (1999) and Jennifer Love Hewitt from I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) are actually the same person and they grew up to be Monica in Cheer, after a brief stop as AJ Lee in WWE.

48.5 I’d draw a diagram to show how they’re all connected, but this is a blog, not pictionary.

49. You’re not living, if you’ve never cleaned a bathtub and almost fallen in.

50. Make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along.

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