Paulo’s Kitchen is normally filmed in front of a live studio audience. However, due to the current state of the world, this episode of Paulo’s Kitchen will be filmed from Chef Paulo’s home. Cameraman Sam will also be there, via video chat.
And now, here is the apple of your pie…Chef Paulo!
Ciao! Bonjour! And hello! I am Chef Paulo, welcome to my home kitchen! Wow, this is very exciting! You get to see where the magic happens today. I feel like David Blaine.
The name of the show should be, “Chef Paulo: Street Cooking”. Has a nice ring-a-ding-ding to it, doesn’t it?
Before we go any further, I want to apologize in advance if you see anyone walking around in the background. I know many people and have many friends living here.
Cameraman Sam: You live alone!
Oh yeah, Cameraman Sam is here too on my laptop. The executives at the network told me they wanted him here just so I am not lonely.
Paulo is never lonely! Paulo has many friends! Paulo lives with 17 people. So many people. So many friends. He’s not alone. Never alone.
Fine, Paulo has to come clean now. I hope you can accept this bath bomb.
There is no one else here, but that is only because I am in quarter chicken. I will say that again because people always get confused and think I’m trying to imitate Mr. Bean.
I am in quarter chicken. Let me spell it. Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E. Quarter chicken.
Cameraman Sam: Quarantine.
Why do you say it so funny, Samsterdam?
Since I have been at home, everyone else has been at home. I said to the network executives that when we film the show in the studio and the audience is half empty, maybe people are just quarter-chickening, but they told me that’s not the case.
But can I trust them? Paulo does not know.
Cameraman Sam: What does Paulo know?
DON’T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME! Just sit there and look petty.
Over the last few weeks, many people have been asking me for cooking tips. Womany people too. Many and Womany – you know, man and woman. Everyone has been asking Paulo for recipes!
I’ve been getting so many phone calls, I almost forgot to have dessert with every meal. Can you tell?
Cameraman Sam: No.
UP SHUT IT, SAMILTON!
Anyway, in future episodes from home, I will share more complex recipes, but for now, here are some simple things you can make for yourself.
Cameraman Sam: All your recipes are simple.
Don’t make me mute you! I will mute you so fast, you won’t know who muted you!
Numero One: Carrot Muffin with Beurre
Say it with me now…beurre. That is the french translation of butter, but it sounds like someone is cold. Beurre. Brrr. Same thing. So, since it’s still a bit nippy outside, we say beurre.
When it warms up, it is butter again. Think of it as Daylight Savings Time, but for Butter.
We call it, Butter Translation Time. BuTT, for short.
Step 1: Take a carrot muffin out of the container on your counter. Pretend your hand is a claw in an arcade game and the muffin is the toy you want.
Step 2: Using a knife, cut the carrot muffin in half. If any blood comes out, you did it wrong. Get it? Because muffins don’t have blood. Your fingers do!
Cameraman Sam: Did you seriously just make a kitchen accident joke?
NO, Samcouver. No. I made a food joke.
See, that is one of those jokes that a studio audience would eat up, so I just know you’re all digesting it at home. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all night for the next 7 minutes.
Step 3: Get a block of beurre from the fridge. It looks like a brick, but we don’t throw stones in this brick house.
Cameraman Sam: You mean, “glass house”.
A-ha, who’s making kitchen accident jokes now? Eating glass is nothing to joke about!
Step 4: Use your knife to slice off beurre from the top of the block.
Funny story – this is where the phrase, “Chip off the old block” comes from, actually. When beurre gets old, it gets really hard. So hard, that you can place it on the counter and throw potato chips at it from ten feet away, like they are a frisbee.
The goal is to get the chip to bounce off the old block. Hence, chip off the old block. Fun game. Try it at home.
Step 5: Spread the beurre on the inside of the carrot muffin.
And voila! You have yourself a carrot muffin with beurre. It is a perfect marriage. They live on the corner of Seventh Heaven and Fifth E-Harmony, with each other. You can announce it on Instagram Wive, if you want.
Cameraman Sam: It is Instagram Live.
I do not think so, Samurai. Have you never heard of a wedding announcement?
Do I have time for another recipe?
Cameraman Sam: No. Unless you make water.
Do not be silly, Sample! I cannot turn water into wine.
Okay, one last recipe.
Numero Two: Apple
Cameraman Sam: Surely, you mean, Apple Pie.
Nope! Who is this, Shirley? Introduce me next time.
Step 1: Get an apple out of the fridge. I like Royal Gala, so…
Cameraman Sam: So you can take a bite and spit in the face of those who said you will never be a royal. We know.
What!? Pfft. Me? No! Never. I do not do that. No. Um.
Step 2: Bath time! Wash the apple under running water. Do not use soap, though.
Step 3: Using a knife, cut off the four sides of the apple. If blood comes out, you did it wrong!
Cameraman Sam: Are you really making the same kitchen accident joke as before?
Listen, Samanova, it is a food joke. Besides, comedians perform the same jokes all the time. Why can’t Chef Paulo?
Step 4: Slice the big pieces into smaller pieces. We don’t want anyone to choke. Safety first, here in Paulo’s kitchen!
Cameraman Sam: Oh, now we care about safety.
We always care!
Step 5 (optional): You can add some cinnamon and sugar to the apple slices, if you want.
And voila! You have yourself an apple!
Cameraman Sam: Tune in next time, when Chef Paulo teaches you to how to peel an orange!
Yeah! That’s the spirit! Wait, no. It always spritzes juice in my eye. I am not doing that. I do not have a snorkel. I do not snore.
Cameraman Sam: But now, how will people know how to peel an orange?
Hmm…you make a good point. I am in a pickle jar, aren’t I?
Anyway, we’ll figure it out and get back to you.
That is all for this special edition of Paulo’s Kitchen. Thank you for joining me inside my home. Please, come back any time.
Cameraman Sam: Just be sure to call ahead so Paulo can hide the foods he wants to save for himself.
WHAT!? Paulo would never.
Okay, Paulo would sometimes.
Eat well, be swell, and don’t ring my doorbell.