1. Last week, a guy on the radio said people were stocking up on toilet paper and onion powder. Is onion powder a substitute for baby powder? What am I missing here?
2. When people go on Shark Tank and say they bootstrapped their business and raised money through friends and family, I’m expecting them to say they raised $363.72. NOPE. They raised $150,000.
3. I can’t be the only one who thinks the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ uniform isn’t good enough for someone of Tom Brady’s stature.
3.5 His full name is Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., by the way. Shoutout to Edward as a middle name.
4. Once you get, “‘Cause baby now we got Dad bod” in your head, there is no going back to, “‘Cause baby now we got bad blood.”
5. Dishwashers should have a transparent door, so we can see what’s going on in there.
6. Twitter is the worst thing to happen to Town Criers since laryngitis.
7. Socks are just pillow cases for your feet.
8. It’s going to be disturbing when this pandemic ends and people go back to not washing their hands.
9. I was introduced to 3-ply Kleenex the other day. My life will never be the same.
10. It’s called a ruler because somebody has to keep the pencils in line.
11. Planks should not be as painful as they are.
12. The Bachelor and Bachelorette should be allowed to stalk the contestants on social media before meeting them in person.
12.5 No way you can marry someone without knowing the kind of captions they write.
13. Life doesn’t truly begin until you start wearing an apron when you cook.
14. I finally realized there is a difference between running shoes and trainers.
15. Who will be the first baby to grow up and reject the Instagram account their parents made for them?
16. Sally Field is an absolute star in Dispatches From Elsewhere.
17. I feel like auctioneers and ventriloquists don’t do small talk very well. Who does, though?
18. I find it funnier to call it “The TikTok” because I am secretly an old man.
19. When the world goes back to normal and all the sports return, I’ll be entering Social Distancing Phase II, thank you very much.
20. I would’ve hated it if my final year of university came to an abrupt end a month earlier due to a pandemic.
21. You don’t realize how cold-blooded the sport of Curling is until teams kick players off their team.
21.5 I’m happy to see John Morris back with a team full-time and Lisa Weagle move over to the indestructible, Team Jennifer Jones.
22. My mom had to say “pineapple tidbits” four times before I realized she wasn’t talking about pineapple-flavoured Timbits.
22.5 Aka “donut holes” for the American audience.
23. My new hobby is remembering how many days it’s been without sports.
24. The biggest power move in Bachelor history was when Barb didn’t set her Instagram account to private after the finale.
25. I’ve always imagined Hot Cross Buns to be bread that gets angry when it’s removed from the warmth of an oven, not unlike humans from their bed.
26. Is there anyone who hasn’t had a two-bite brownie in just one bite?
27. New Idea: Slip N Slidewalks.
28. If you want to get kids active, bring back the Skip-It toy from the 90s and stand back.
29. All Elite Wrestling (AEW) is a much better product than World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and it’s not close.
30. Library books probably have a ton of germs, eh?
31. Political debates on TV have been about the same things for the last 12 years.
32. I never fully embraced Pringles. Always got an aura of superiority from the kids who had them.
33. I just want to plant my flag on the word, “foibled”, so when everyone is using it three years from now, I can receive royalties.
33.5 It’s a combination of the word “foiled” and the desire to mutter a word under your breath while looking like a distraught Draco Malfoy, so you decide to throw a “b” in there.
33.75 Try it at home!
34. We all Googled “Coronavirus symptoms” and then became paranoid every time we thought we were short of breath, right?
35. Some podcasters sound as if they’re sitting in the cabinet under their kitchen sink.
36. I’ve never seen Titanic.
37. Thirty years from now we’ll be saying, “Back in my day, we had to recharge our cellphones by plugging them into a wall. Now they just run on oxygen.”
38. Duck, Duck, Moose – for when animals want to be inclusive.
39. The middle of the night goes by so much quicker than the middle of the day.
40. I’m starting to get uncomfortable watching characters in TV shows be so close to each other.
41. I’m mentally preparing myself for when a contestant on Big Brother Canada is someone I know, but they end up in an alliance everyone hates.
42. This season of Survivor better bring back the Survivor Auction.
43. February feels like it was 23 years ago.
44. Leaders are people who know when to follow.
45. We don’t really need sporks.
46. The Nintendo 64 had some of the strongest wires I’ve ever seen.
47. My favourite type of marble is cheese.
48. Speaking of marbles, it’s about time more people discovered marble races on YouTube. Check out the Marblelympics for phenomenal entertainment.
49. Do bagels ever dream about being donuts?
50. They should make a superhero movie called, The Introverts, and instead of saying “Introverts, assemble!” they say, “Introverts, disperse!”