Welcome to finale night, part one! This season has flown by. Get it? Because Peter is a pilot. That was an unintentional joke, so if you didn’t laugh, I’m not at fault.
Anywho, Peter has narrowed the field down to two.
Hannah Ann, the 23-year-old model from the South. And Madison, the 23-year-old foster parent recruiter from the South.
This comes after Peter was rejected by Hannah – the 24-year-old from the South – last season.
I’m no artist, so y’all can connect those dots on your own.
~ The show starts with Chris Harrison in front of a live studio audience, which means it’s time for Episode 2 of everyone’s favourite new game show: Spot The Men In The Audience!
SPOT THE MEN IN THE AUDIENCE – EP. 2
~ I see one, two, three, four men. Do I see five? I see five! Five men. Are there six? Six going once. Since going twice. Cold. There are only five.
~ This is down from the eleven men I spotted in the audience last week.
~ There may or may not be a third instalment of this game show tomorrow night.
BACK TO THE OTHER SHOW
~ They are at Alice Springs, which is in Northern Territory, Australia.
~ Who’s Alice?
~ This is the outback. Oh! They filmed Survivor here at one point.
~ Peter and his pink shirt, white pants, and luggage, check into his hotel room. Of course there’s a balcony and OF COURSE he has to stare into the distance, with a disposition that says, “I knew I should’ve packed my kite.”
~ Peter goes to meet up with his family, who flew all the way around the world for this.
~ He breaks down the situation to them and wow, his parents are active listeners. They have stage presence, as opposed to staged presents…though they might have those too. We’ll see.
HANNAH ANN MEETS THE FAMILY
~ Hannah Ann is already crying and she hasn’t even entered the house.
~ This calls for some impromptu vocal exercises. Shall we?
~ Me me me me. You you you you. Hannah Hannah Hannah. Boo hoo hoo hoo.
~ That concludes our vocal exercises. Proceed.
~ And we’re in. Let the questioning begin.
~ Peter’s mom, Barbara, compares Peter and Hannah Ann to her and her husband.
~ Barbara pulls Hannah Ann aside for a chat. She wants H.A. and Peter to grow each other and make each other better. What a sweet woman.
~ Hannah Ann starts crying and says how hard this process has been for her.
~ Barb says to not say negative things. If only she could’ve said that on EVERY EPISODE.
~ Time for H.A. to talk to Dad. Will she also cry in front of him?
~ She says it was love at first sight. Someone sign her up for Married At First Sight if this doesn’t work out!
~ Papa P. (no relation to Papa Poutine) asks Peter if there is anything lacking in his relationship with Hannah Ann. He says no.
~ Peter mentions that both women have his heart and he doesn’t know how he’s going to do this. Now he’s crying.
~ And that’s the end of the family visit. A lot of abstract art on the walls…or are those just circle mazes?
~ Chris Harrison prepares us by saying that what we’re about to see “is so different, so emotional, you really have to see it to believe it.”
~ Really? That’s his tease for this date?
~ Madison has arrived and sits with Peter outside before going in to meet his family.
~ She is “not good”.
~ Madison feels like he puts his needs and wants ahead of hers, after she told him how she felt about him being in the fantasy suite with the other women.
~ Peter says it sounded like an ultimatum and like she was letting other relationships affect them.
~ They talk a lot about how unfair and difficult this is.
~ Madison says she feels like she’s holding on by a thread and doesn’t know what to do.
~ I think she’s gotta hold on to what she’s got, but then again, it doesn’t make a difference if he picks her or not. Bam, Livin’ on a Prayer.
~ Peter doesn’t want her to go and hopes she can meet him halfway.
~ HALFWAY THERE, OHHHHH.
~ If this were the musical version of The Bachelor, they’d break into a Bon Jovi song RIGHT NOW.
~ It’s eerie how I started singing that song before Peter even made the “halfway” comment. I just know.
~ Madison says love isn’t the issue here. “All the other crap” is the issue. Peter says they’ll find a way to get through this.
~ Peter compares this to the time Madison had a tooth knocked out while playing basketball and her Dad said, “I need you back” and she said, “Ok.”
~ If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Madison is Canadian.
~ They’ve been talking to each other while resting their noses on each other. The Coronavirus won’t like this.
~ They seem to have turned a corner, and that corner is leading them inside to meet the family.
MADISON MEETS THE FAMILY…AGAIN
~ Madison first met his family on the first episode of the season. She was the chosen one.
~ Papa P. asks them what the roadblock in their relationship was.
~ Madison says she told Peter it would be hard for her if he slept with someone else, but she loves him and sees a future with him.
~ The Dad’s name is Peter Sr. I wish I knew this sooner.
~ Papa P. asks Madison if they are compatible. She says they have many differences.
PETER TALKS TO HIS BROTHER
~ Peter’s brother looks more like Peter than Peter looks like Peter.
~ His brother’s name is Jack.
~ Jack says he sees a perfect girl on one side with no issues, and then he sees Madison raising a lot of red flags.
~ WHAT? Have you not watched this season, Jack? I guess not since it was still filming, but you’re wrong.
MOM AND MADISON
~ Barbara asks Madison about how Peter isn’t on the same level of faith as her. “He socializes, he parties.”
~ Peter’s brother mentioned this too. He said Peter comes back from trips and goes line dancing and clubbing.
~ Is this a scare tactic? How primitive do they think Madison is? She came on THE BACHELOR for crying out loud.
~ Obviously, if they got married, Peter’s not going to be out clubbing, right?
~ Peter’s family is basically saying to Madison, “Sorry, I can’t hang out, I have family stuff.”
~ The visit is over and Madison leaves.
MOM IS CRYING
~ Is this the moment they’ve been teasing in previews since the beginning?
~ “She’s not there for you, but bud, you know what, I have to tell you something. I said a prayer last night. I said, Lord, please guide Peter today and guide Madison to see where they’re at in this relationship because you have a gem waiting for you who is madly, head-over heels in love with you and God put her there for you.” – Peter’s Mom
~ SHE’S TALKING ABOUT HANNAH ANN. WHAT?
~ Woah! This is a heel turn I was not expecting.
~ This whole season, I thought she was talking about Madison. NOPE! What a swerve.
~ I am floored. As I sit on this couch, I am floored. Couched?
~ Barb calling her son, “Bud” is such a heelish (villainous) tactic too. I’ve never liked, “Bud”.
CHRIS HARRISON IN STUDIO
~ He asks the crowd if Barb should’ve kept her opinion to herself. Half the crowd applauds quietly.
~ Is Chris Harrison being passive aggressive toward the mother of the bachelor? Yes, yes he is. I didn’t know he had it in him. Earn that paycheque, Chris!
BACK TO AUSTRALIA
~ Peter’s parents ask Peter where he is at.
~ He says he’s crazy for Madison.
~ Peter Sr. asks if he’s willing to risk something so perfect (Hannah Ann), for something he hopes might materialize (Madison).
~ How dare his parents try and rewrite the narrative of this entire season!
~ Barb brings up Hannah Brown and how she picked the wrong person last season.
~ His family is so forceful in saying he should pick Hannah Ann. Can they just let him make up his own mind?
~ We need to stage a retroactive intervention. Who’s got a time machine?
~ “Don’t let her go. Bring her home, bring her home to us.” – Barb, crying
~ And there’s the quote from all the previews. It’s about Hannah Ann.
~ I’m still stunned.
~ Peter tells her she has to stop doing this. That’s right, Peter! Tell her!
~ Peter’s mom is a cryer. I’m no Psychologist (I just play one on the internet), but this may explain why Peter favoured the girls who cried a lot.
ULURU – NORTHERN TERRITORY, AUSTRALIA
~ Chris warns us that this will be brutal. I’m ready.
DATE WITH MADISON
~ They’re going to take a helicopter to Uluru, which is a sacred rock.
~ Peter lists off some facts of Uluru while in the helicopter because you can take the pilot out of the bachelor, but you can’t take the….I thought this quote would go differently.
~ In a voiceover, Madison says she’s realizing they are two different people and it’s time to surrender.
~ The women in the studio audience are shocked. SHOCKED.
~ They’re sitting down for a picnic(?) and Madison gives a speech about wanting something so badly, but not seeing clearly.
~ “I’M WILLING TO WALK AWAY SO YOU CAN GET WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO FIND.” – MADISON
~ Peter asks her why she thinks she isn’t that person.
~ Madison says they see things so differently. God, she’s so smart.
~ This chat is going on for a while. Peter is trying to get her to stay, but she’s not giving in. She wants out.
~ They just gave each other a break-up hug.
~ Peter wouldn’t be this sad if he knew he wanted to be with Hannah Ann.
~ Madison is in the car and that’s it. She was going, going, going, and now she’s gone.
~ Surely, Peter is now realizing HE SHOULD’VE KEPT SARAH AND NOT SENT HER HOME IN WEEK 3 BECAUSE SHE WAS AN ANGEL.
~ Never forget.
BACK IN ALICE SPRINGS
~ It’s the next day and Peter wakes up sad. He says he was head over heels in love with Madison.
~ When it was down to the Final 3, he should’ve sent Victoria and Hannah Ann home. He definitely knew by then that he wanted Madison, but he took it for granted.
PETER AND CHRIS HARRISON CHAT
~ Chris asks if he can get over this heartbreak, or is this over.
~ I forgot to listen to his answer, but he has a date with Hannah Ann now, so…
DATE WITH HANNAH ANN
~ She is completely in the dark about what’s going on, which is why she looks so cheerful today.
~ Will Peter tell her what happened, or no?
~ An Australian man picks them up in his vehicle. DON’T GET IN THE CAR WITH STRANGERS.
~ You know things are serious on this show, when the only background noise is nature noises. When they don’t add in any music, things are BAD.
~ They are feeding baby kangaroos, before going to watch animals in the wild.
~ Peter sits her down and says he’s appreciated her being there for him the entire time.
~ He just verbally subtweeted Madison on a taped TV show. The gall.
~ Hannah Ann tells us she can tell something is off with Peter.
~ Peter meets her in her hotel room, wearing a zip up hoodie. She’s wearing a fancy dress. Which one of them didn’t get the memo?
~ Hannah Ann says she hopes she’s the person who makes him the happiest.
~ Peter reveals that this has been the hardest week of his life.
~ He says his heart has been pulled in two different directions, but won’t tell her that Madison is gone.
~ Hannah Ann is starting to cry. This has been a recording.
~ The evening ends and Hannah Ann says her heart is already breaking.
~ She says everything in her wants to cry and beg and ask him what will happen tomorrow.
~ Aha! So she admits to using tears as a tactic!
BACK IN STUDIO
~ Chris Harrison says we haven’t see the last of Madison or Barb. Are they fighting inside a steel cage?
~ He says Peter doesn’t know how this will end, but it will end tomorrow night. How ominous.
TOMORROW – PART TWO
It looks like Madison regrets her decision and returns, so get’cha popcorn ready.
How do you think this season will end? What was the most surprising part of this episode?