For some reason, we’re being blessed with two episodes of The Bachelor this week. I haven’t fully recovered from Monday night’s episode yet, but I shall power through.
I think this set of viewing notes are some of my best work. They made me laugh, so hopefully you do too.
~ We are in Santiago, Chile. Peter got his forehead stitches removed, but still has another week with the bandage.
~ No one has said that Santiago, Chile is the perfect place to fall in love and I’m offended.
~ The women are sitting at tables on the sidewalk/patio of a restaurant(?), listening to Mykenna complain about the cancelled cocktail party. She’s crying now.
~ Peter shows up and invites Hannah Ann out for a date.
ONE-ON-ONE (Hannah Ann)
~ They are going to explore Chile by wandering around the streets like it’s a Saturday.
~ “Today could change my life forever. I could potentially be falling in love with my future husband. This is what I’ve been dreaming about for the past six weeks.” – Hannah Ann
~ Peter shoves a piece of cake in her mouth with his hand. Yup, they’re getting married.
~ At a coffee stand, a married couple strike up a conversation with Peter and Hannah Ann to teach them what it takes to make a relationship last.
~ That was so staged.
~ Peter still worries about her age, sometimes. She’s 23. He’s 28. It’s a 5 year gap. I’m good at math.
~ He just found out she hasn’t been in love before. This is a concern of his because this show only lasts for two months.
~ Time for dinner and Hannah Ann says she was able to envision her future with him today.
~ That’s So Hannah Ann.
~ Peter asks her what her goals are and she said she wants to continue modelling for as long as possible because so many people stay in the shallow waters of life and become superficial; she wants to go deeper.
~ Huh? Je suis confus.
~ Peter asks her if she’s 100% sure that this (their relationship) is what she wants.
~ She says this is what she wants because Peter’s qualities are what she wants. He’s struggling to believe her.
~ She is just saying what he wants to hear. It feels like she’s in a university seminar and is trying to get participation marks by rephrasing what someone else said.
~ Peter leaves the table, Hannah Ann goes after him in tears, and Peter says this is what he wants to see.
~ Maybe word has gotten around the house that Peter loves to make a girl’s tears disappear.
~ She says she’s starting to fall in love with him.
~ YOU’RE WHAT? YOU BARELY KNOW THIS BOY.
~ Sorry, that was a very fatherly response. Let’s try this sequence again.
~ She says she’s starting to fall in love with him.
~ ARE YOU THOUGH? (Was that better, worse, or about the same? Great, now I’m an eye doctor).
~ And just like that, Hannah Ann gets a rose.
~ This is some ooey gooey phooey right here.
~ It looked like she felt their relationship slipping away, so she said exactly what he wanted to hear. That’s how it came across, at least.
~ I don’t know, maybe they love each other. Love is blind…to onlookers, I guess.
~ Peter: “I do feel like she wants this and that she is ready. I didn’t expect to feel this kinda breakthrough with her. I can see myself falling in love with Hannah Ann.”
~ GO TO YOUR ROOM, PETER. AND DON’T COME OUT UNTIL I SAY SO.
~ This was the most mind-boggling date I’ve ever seen on this show.
GROUP DATE (Sydney, Natasha, Kelsey, Victoria P., Madison, Tammy, Kelley, and Mykenna)
~ Mykenna from Canada is crying that she’s not on a one-on-one. She’s wondering if it’s time for her to leave.
~ It’s the next morning and she still thinks this group date is pointless and that Peter doesn’t notice her.
~ The women will be participating in a telenovela.
~ “Let’s see how much drama we can make.” – Peter.
~ We’ve seen.
~ Peter says he grew up watching telenovelas. He also grew up as a country boy, living in LA, with a love for football and planes. He’s almost as all over the board as I am.
~ Mykenna is playing the maid, which she says she can relate to because she is someone who goes unnoticed.
~ Peter is speaking a lot of Spanish tonight and the girls have no clue what he’s saying.
~ This telenovela is a good chance for all of them to show they can have an acting career after the show, but it’s not going well.
~ Tammy is waving around a big knife and CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HIDE THE CHILDREN.
~ Oh, it’s just a plastic knife. STILL, HIDE THE YOUNGINS.
~ The plot twist of the skit is Peter (Pedro) finally notices the maid (Mykenna) and proclaims his love to her.
~ Mykenna feels like Peter sees her now. She’s happy she didn’t leave.
~ She does know he was following a script, right?
~ Peter tells Kelsey he has real feelings for her.
~ WOAH, they have prosciutto and cheese on a platter on the table! Why aren’t the girls eating it? This is not right. NOT RIGHT.
~ Victoria P. tells him she hopes he doesn’t have any doubts.
~ Doubts about what? Do you guys even talk about anything?
~ Peter says he thinks she’s more secure about them than he is.
~ “What are you trying to say?” – Victoria P.
~ He’s trying to send you home.
~ Peter: “I don’t know if I see you as my wife.”
~ Holy cannoli, Peter. You don’t have to be so blunt! The honesty is refreshing, though.
~ “I’m concerned for you…I’m worried for you. I hope you’re making the right decisions because this is the last conversation we’re gonna have.” – Victoria P.
~ Peter says he’s sorry and Victoria P. says, “NO, YOU DON’T APOLOGIZE.”
~ YES VP. YES VP. YES VP. (To the tune of an MVP chant)
~ “Can I get a car?” – Victoria P.
~ More like, “Can I get an Amen?”
~ What an exit! I loved it.
~ Peter tells the other women what he has done. “It sucked, you know?” They don’t, but they will.
~ Madison and Peter have some drama free, alone time, where they read a script he wrote.
~ She is also 23, but he doesn’t question her age like he does with Hannah Ann.
~ Tammy calls out Mykenna for calling this the best day ever, when she packed her bags before the group date started.
~ “I am here for the right reasons!” – Mykenna
~ Tammy says Mykenna is immature because she acts like a child. I don’t know about you, but Mykenna is 22.
~ Natasha has Tammy figured out and claims she’s more concerned with eliminating people who don’t belong here.
~ Seems true.
~ “Grow up!” – Mykenna
~ Tammy is telling everyone to shut up now.
~ This is bananas. B a n a n a s.
~ Peter now sits down to talk to Mykenna and says this is all confusing.
~ Peter is perpetually confused. Are we sure he doesn’t have a concussion?
~ The group date rose goes to Madison!
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Victoria F.)
~ Peter is seeing this date as a do-over because the first date they went on had Victoria’s ex-boyfriend playing music for them.
~ This time, they’re going horseback riding. Victoria did not know the horses before the show.
~ Victoria thought Peter was second-guessing things, which is why he wanted to have a second one-on-one date.
~ Only on this show could spending a whole day with someone you like be seen as a negative.
~ Peter asks her to be honest about if she can really see herself doing this. She’s struggling.
~ “We need to have a very honest talk tonight.” – Peter
~ That means they won’t touch their dinner, again.
~ How offended must the chef be that no one ever eats their food on these dates?
~ Peter tells her he asked her on this date because he wanted to spend time with her.
~ WHY IS SHE QUESTIONING WHY SHE GOT A ONE-ON-ONE. THIS IS SILLY, WILLY.
~ Victoria can’t even look at him when he talks. What is going on?
~ Peter is wondering why her wall has gone up, instead of letting this be, without sabotaging it.
~ “Just talk to me.” – Peter
~ Talk to me, Tell me your name, You blow me off like it’s all the same, You lit a fuse and now I’m ticking away, Like a bomb, Yeah, baby.
~ “Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe you’d be happier with someone who is more open.” – Victoria
~ This is hogwash.
~ Victoria says she feels like she’s going to throw up and walks away from the table.
~ I spy some sliced carrots on their plate.
~ They each split off to talk to producers. Peter doesn’t know what more he can do. Meanwhile, it feels like Victoria doesn’t want to let Peter down if she’s not at the same stage as him? I have no clue.
~ Victoria comes back to the table and says she doesn’t know why she’s acting like this.
~ She tells him he deserves someone confident.
~ She wishes she could get to a point where she knows her own issues, so he doesn’t have to deal with them. I’m not sure that made sense, but okay.
~ Peter says he cares about her a lot and offers her a rose.
~ SHE ACCEPTS THE ROSE.
~ I am floored. Not roofed. But floored. What is going on tonight?
~ Victoria wants to be with someone she can share everything with but doesn’t know why she can’t with Peter.
~ Probably because you’re also sharing with millions of viewers.
~ Peter realizes he’s not receiving the same validation back, but she accepted the rose, so there’s hope?
BACK AT THE HOUSE
~ Another date card arrives because the producers couldn’t help themselves. It says, “Enough is enough.”
~ It’s a two-on-one date with Mykenna and Tammy. They are to meet Peter before the cocktail party.
~ Oh, so they didn’t actually want to send them on a date. They just wanted to film the drama.
TWO-ON-ONE DATE (Mykenna and Tammy)
~ The girls sit in silence waiting for….nope, Mykenna is going at Tammy with her words.
~ Mykenna is reciting a bunch of lines you’d find in an inspirational Instagram post about how kindness wins. She has a plethora of common phrases in her lexicon.
~ Peter has entered the chat.
~ He pulls Tammy aside first to get her side of the story.
~ Tammy says she’s collected enough information to know that Mykenna isn’t here for the right reasons. She claims Mykenna is trying to create hashtags for her brand.
~ I haven’t heard any hashtags.
~ Tammy reveals that Mykenna packed her bags before the group date. Ohhh, she done did it now.
~ Tammy says this is getting so serious for her. Is it, though? Do her and Peter have a legitimate connection? It’s possible they do and we just haven’t been shown it.
~ “Trust the process”. The Philadelphia 76ers have entered the chat.
~ “No little girl, with blonde hair, from Canada, is gonna stop me.” – Tammy
~ WOAH. SHE BROUGHT CANADA INTO THIS.
~ “I’m wearing black today because it’s her funeral.” – Tammy
~ This is wild.
~ Time for Mykenna to tell her story. She says Tammy gets so much joy from bringing people down.
~ Peter asks about the hashtags and packed bags. Mykenna says Tammy is twisting things.
~ Peter’s brain must be a blender right now.
~ Mykenna and Tammy reconvene on the couch and sling arrows at each other. This is so childish. They’re probably cringing as they watch this.
~ Peter comes in and tells Mykenna he trusts her. Then he walks Tammy out. BOOM.
~ THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU COME AFTER CANADA. (You get sent home from a dating show, which is probably for the best, but yeah).
~ In the car, Tammy says Peter wants a trophy wife and that’s not who she is.
~ Peter talks with Natasha and tells her he is not about the drama and he’s cancelling it out as much as possible.
~ Hannah Ann says that now, instead of being hurt by the drama, you could be hurt by the connection – like, being rejected.
~ Yes, that’s precisely the point of the show.
~ Victoria F. says she wants to move forward with Peter and not push him away.
~ She probably realized that Victoria P. is gone and she no longer needs to use her last initial.
~ Peter says he can see a future with each woman. Okay, sure.
~ All I’m saying is if you put me in a room with eight women, I’m not going to be able to see a future with ALL EIGHT of them. I took Data Management in high school. Probability is a real thing, Peter.
~ Madison, Hannah Ann, and Victoria F. already have roses.
~ Kelsey gets the first rose.
~ Natasha gets the second rose. One left.
~ Kelley gets the final rose.
~ Mykenna and Sydney are going home!
~ Mykenna and Sydney are gong home?
~ He kept Mykenna around for an extra hour just to send her home??? Were there only late flights back to Canada?
~ And what happened with Sydney? They just had a one-on-one date in the last episode.
~ “I enjoyed this. Thank you.” – Sydney
~ I’ve never been shocked by every Rose Ceremony in a season like I have this season.
~ They are off to Lima, Peru next week and if someone doesn’t say it’s the perfect place to fall in love, I’m going to have multiple conniptions.
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts below!