No, you’re still bitter about Peter sending Sarah home last week. Just kidding. I’m the one who is still bitter. It bothers me that I don’t know why she was sent home.
Anyway, we move on to Episode 4. I hope you enjoy this recap!
HOMEROOM W/CHRIS HARRISON
~ Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion with his sleeves rolled UP and invites the ladies inside because, “We’re making biscuits!”. I highly doubt that.
~ “Peter’s serious about this. He wants to find his wife and he still feels like she’s in this room.” – Chris Harrison, trying out his stand-up routine
~ Chris announces they’re moving out of the mansion and are off to…CLEVELAND!
~ The women HATE it. They wanted to go somewhere on the other side of the world, so they could have a months worth of, “Take me back” photos for Instagram.
~ I’ve been to Cleveland before. Friendly people, but there’s not much there. You’ll turn onto the next street and not see anyone. It happened.
~ “We’re in Cleveland! This is where Superman came from. Clark Kent was born here.” – Peter
~ Confirmed: We’re in for a loooooong night.
~ Last week, Peter acted like he was a country boy from LA. Now he’s a comic book nerd from Cleveland.
~ Peter called Cleveland a great sports town. I feel like there was a better way to say this, without making it seem like he doesn’t know the Browns stink and LeBron left…twice.
~ The women go for a stroll downtown and are shocked at how nice the city is. Natasha calls it a midwestern city. Are East and West backwards in America or am I missing something here?
~ They move into a penthouse, overlooking Lake Erie and FirstEnergy Stadium, home of your Cleveland Browns.
~ Deandra has talked more in this episode than the first three combined.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Victoria F.)
~ Victoria F. is driven to an airport, where Peter is waiting for her. Peter is like a fridge; you always know where it is.
~ Random question: Are these women aware that if they marry a pilot, they’re going to be left at home while Peter flies around the world?
~ She’s panicking in the car because she thinks they’re going skydiving. They aren’t.
~ But they are boarding a small plane. This is getting excessive.
~ He’s taking her to a deserted amusement park. Now this is the Cleveland I know!
~ They’re on a rollercoaster and Victoria hates it. I hope they didn’t eat breakfast.
~ “Our relationship is just kind of like a rollercoaster.” – Peter
~ Victoria wants four kids and Peter wants two or four kids because he loves amusement parks and if you have three kids, one of them has to sit out.
~ I had a friend who was one of four kids and they told me pretty much the same thing.
~ “It ended up being, like, the best day because Peter’s just been, like, the best.” – Victoria
~ The sentence structure on this date is quite something.
~ Time for their very own private Chase Rice concert!
~ It’s too bad Victoria F. dated Chase Rice before the show and can’t enjoy this date.
~ Are the producers really trying to give their contestants a mental breakdown? We see this kind of emotional abuse every season, honestly.
~ Chase is realizing he should’ve pulled an Arnold and stayed home today.
~ Victoria F. looks like she wants to crawl into a tiny butter packet.
~ Hey, if Peter can have his ex-girlfriend on dates, it’s only fair Victoria has her ex-boyfriend on a date….
~ Peter is oblivious and thinks this date is the bananas pyjamas. Or is it the bees knees?
~ Peter is now talking to Chase, without Victoria. This is so staged, you’d think it was Stagecoach. That’s a reference for the die hards.
~ I think Chase and Peter just exchanged numbers.
~ Victoria is talking to Chase now, but nothing they said is worth typing.
~ Fun Fact: Chase Rice was on Survivor before he was famous. I’ve seen every season of Survivor and don’t remember him at all.
~ Victoria is dreading telling Peter that she used to date Chase.
~ Meanwhile, Peter is telling the camera that if things go well, Chase Rice can sing at their wedding!
~ “So, Chase and I used to date.” – Victoria
~ “Like, the singer Chase?” – Peter
~ Victoria missed her opportunity to say she was talking about Chase from Zoey 101.
~ “Nooooo…” – Peter
~ “The guy…I talked to him…” – Peter
~ The quotes are golden tonight, Ponyboy.
~ Peter is now realizing how weird that date was. I’m sure he’ll give the producers a stern lecture later.
~ Why are they both making it seem like it’s a crime that she dated him before the show?
~ Their dinner is getting cold. Why doesn’t anyone care about the food!?
~ Oh look, they kissed and made up by a defibrillator sign on the wall.
~ Victoria is getting a rose.
GROUP DATE (Victoria P., Kiarra, Kelley, Deandra, Madison, Lexi, Shiann, Tammy, Sydney, Hannah Ann, Savannah, Natasha, and Mykenna)
~ Peter just called Cleveland one of the best kept secrets. He’s flirting with this city a bit too much.
~ They are the home of the Cleveland Browns – FirstEnergy (yes, one word) Stadium, but Peter insists the girls have no clue what’s coming.
~ How dumb does he think they are?
~ The Browns need a complete brand overhaul. Change the name, the logo, the colour scheme – everything.
~ Do they not know their logo is a picture of a blank, orange helmet? It looks like they forgot to do their homework, so they drew something quickly and found a pencil crayon on the floor to colour it. I’m not even going to get into the whole “Dawg Pound” thing. This is the most uninspiring team identity in sports.
~ And why are we shoving “FirstEnergy” together like two teenagers at a school dance? Leave some room for Jesus.
~ Last one and I’ll drop it. Google tells me there is a debate over who the Browns are named after. THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW. I can’t. This is too much.
~ Peter introduces the women to former Browns, Josh Cribbs and Hanford Dixon.
~ Time to run some drills.
~ Mykenna is “very terrified”.
~ Victoria P. has a back injury so she won’t participate. Instead, she’ll get a shoulder massage on the sidelines from Peter. She’s playing the game.
~ Time for the Bachelor Bowl 2019! The winning team goes to an after party.
~ I just realized they planned for a football date to air this week to coincide with the Super Bowl and that Cleveland was probably one of the only places that would grant them access for this. It all makes sense now.
~ Sydney with a high tackle on Hannah Ann. It goes uncalled.
~ Shiann is running people over like she’s Derrick Henry. Four touchdowns!
~ Kelley throws a short pass to Deandra and she goes. all. the. way. for. the. TOUCHDOWN.
~ The game ends in a tie. Everybody goes on the date!
~ Thirteen people complaining about not getting enough time will be fun.
~ “So Peter, can I steal you for a second?”
~ STOP SAYING THIS. JUST STOP. AND DEFINE “A SECOND”.
~ Victoria P. says she saw Peter cheering on all the other women and had a moment where she was like, “Wow, this is the guy I could spend forever with!”
~ That makes zero sense.
~ Shiann gets her alone time and opens up the chat by saying she’s upset that Victoria got to talk to him first.
~ YOU’RE WASTING VALUABLE SECONDS.
BACK FROM THE DEAD
~ And in walks Alayah. She was eliminated last week. There are now 14 women on this date. We can now have a Rugby Sevens match.
~ Alayah instantly goes to find Peter and he looks like he just saw a ghost.
~ Alayah is trying to convince Peter that her and Victoria P. were legitimately friends before the show – even planned a Vegas trip – and not just acquaintances like Victoria P. made it sound.
~ The left side of my stomach just howled like a wolf. I’m concerned, but intrigued.
~ Anyway, Peter sent Alayah home last week on the premise that he thought she was lying about her friendship with Victoria P.
~ Peter is going to talk to Victoria P. now because he trusted her.
~ “Yeah, we went to Vegas together.” – Victoria P.
~ That’s the smoking gun right there.
~ If the stories do not fit, you must…evict?
~ Time for all three of them to talk.
~ Victoria P. is basically like, “Who are you again?” and Alayah is like, “We have photos together! And text messages!”
~ Why is any of this relevant to Peter finding a wife?
~ Peter doesn’t trust Victoria P. anymore.
~ Cut to the other 12 women, sitting and waiting to talk to Peter.
~ Peter is inviting Alayah back. She agrees because they’re probably travelling somewhere better than Cleveland next week.
~ Time to tell the other women!
~ Alayah gets the group date rose! The date is over! He spoke to three of them.
~ If these women had any guts, they’d all walk out right now.
~ “Making me question everything” – Another phrase that needs to be launched into the sun.
~ Alayah has been on the internet since she went home and knows that Victoria F. dated Chase Rice at one point. The women didn’t know this.
~ She’s a plant by production, just so this Chase Rice story can circulate throughout the house, isn’t she?
BACK AT THE HOUSE
~ “Process everything that’s happened” – These people use the same 10 clichés.
~ The girls aren’t happy that Peter is bringing drama back into the fold.
~ Mykenna says he better be prepared for what they’re going to do tomorrow.
~ A bunch of bored women, planning to rebel against a boyfriend they all share. This could be good?
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Kelsey)
~ Kelsey’s date starts with Peter breaking the news that Alayah is back.
~ She receives the news in a very mature manner. Who knew that was possible?
~ After buying some pierogis from a vendor, they go polka dancing with strangers in the street.
~ Now they’re crashing a soapbox derby. Just-in Time! (10 points if you get this reference).
~ Gotta love that authentic Cleveland experience!
~ Peter and Kelsey win their race. Well if that isn’t a miracle in lane two, I don’t know what is.
~ We’ve gone deep into the early 2000s Family Channel references here tonight.
~ Too much is happening too quickly. They probably want to get back to the drama at the house.
~ They’re having dinner at a table by the water. Peter is wearing a black turtleneck, like he’s Joe Goldberg.
~ Kelsey gets a rose and fireworks go off everywhere.
~ Cleveland loves fireworks. They had a 30-minute rock music firework show at the baseball game I went to. They just never stopped.
BACK AT THE PENTHOUSE
~ Victoria F. is mad that Alayah told everyone about her and Chase.
~ She’s going to call her out.
~ Alayah claims she didn’t know that nobody knew because it was “literally all over the place” when she was at home.
~ Victoria F. reminds her that no one has access to their phone.
~ “You’re fake and I’m not.” – Victoria F.
~ I think Victoria F. is mad that stories about her are being leaked in the real world and she has no way of knowing what is said, so she’s taking out all of her anger on Alayah.
~ Again, they’ve made it into such a big deal that she dated Chase Rice. Is it against the law or something?
~ Peter meets with the women and wants to talk to Victoria P. privately, but is stopped!
~ Deandra says she has never felt so unrecognized by somebody, especially after the physical football date that left them with bruises!
~ And then he had the audacity to give the rose to Alayah, Deandra couldn’t even look at him! Tell ’em!
~ Peter says he’s sorry and he’s not perfect.
~ Victoria P. is now with Peter and she’s mad at him for not trusting her.
~ Victoria P. plants the seed that something happened yesterday with Victoria F., but won’t tell him what.
~ Peter came here to become a husband, but he’s turning into a private investigator.
~ The women are now ganging up on Alayah.
~ Victoria F. finally tells Peter about the whole, “Everyone knows I dated Chase Rice because of Alayah” thing.
~ “You don’t know what my middle name is. You don’t know what I do at home. You don’t know anything about me.” – SYDNEY, THE CHAMP
~ Peter is sweating bullets tonight.
~ He’s worried the women are going to walk out because they’re disappointed in him.
It’s over. À la prochaine!
What are your thoughts on this episode? Is this even a dating show anymore?